Cranky Recaps ... because sometimes, you've just gotta bitch

Drs. Strange in Love: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying When Zabel Will Drop the Bomb

2008-04-10T15:49:00.021-04:00

Previously on ER: Abby drank … and drank … and drank … and drank … Then the skank lost her swank and got really rank, by yanking a crank and spanking a wank – and no, no, not Frank – that I’m sure probably stank and its girth was more lank and not at all like the shank of The Pretty’s fine tank. How low she sank, I wish were a prank because it’s made my mind so completely blank. Now the drums of doom clank and we have Zabel to thank …

We also have Zabel to thank for McRoadkill’s new moving body parts violations … This time with Sam … Ewww …

These two really make my skin crawl … and itch … like eczema … EgSama … What is it about The Ego and hook ups on this show … and the fact that he actually gets hook ups on this show – he must be warping them on the inside in some way we can’t see – that cause dastardly deadly diseases like the Egola virus when he infected Neela, and malodorous medical maladies, with the now exuding execrable excuviating epidermis with Sam? … McUgh … It’s only a matter of time before he shows up in a hair shirt and one of those black leather zipper masks … Besides, everyone knows by now that John Stamos Has Rabies ...

I mean, good God, have we viewers not suffered enough having lived through Carter’s Sanctimonious Smirk of Condescending Righteousness doing double duty … or make that “doody” … as the Iniquitous Irk of Long-Suffering Boyfriend-edness throughout his: painfully-overlong-ill-considered-courtship-with-Abby-where-he-was-supposedly-so-in-love-with-her-that- he-decided-not-to-propose-to-her-after-she-gave-the-woefully-wrong-answer-by-stating-that-she- didn’t-think-people-ever-really-changed-even-though-her-mother-Maggie-had-seen-right-through- the-fact-that-he-didn’t-really-love-who-Abby-was-but-loved-what-he-wanted-her-to-be-and-tried- to-tell-him-exactly-that-earlier-in-the-same-episode-by-saying-that-he-had-to-love-her-even-if-she- never-changed-but-even-so-he-magnanimously-kept-up-with-his--philanthropic-pursuit-of-slumming suitors-by-continuing-to-date-Abby-until-her-unfortunately-unanticipated-unmedicated-manic-brother’s- untimely-arrival-just-when-she-was-in-the-midst-of-having-to-prove-her-girlfriend-worthiness-to-Carter- and-then-Eric-proceeded-to-use-a-cemetery-tree-as-a-urinal-then-face-dive-into-Carter’s-equally- pompous-pissily-prim-patronizing-grievously-grim-geriatric-Gamma’s-grave-causing-Carter-to-rethink- his-Wyczenski-wooing-ways … Good times …

And you, Sam, haven’t you done enough damage to the viewing audience by extraordinarily exploiting egregiously emasculating lax lenient lovable Luka for like two whole seasons and almost -- though not quite because his Strikingly Sexy Stupendously Superb Stunningly Sublime Surpassingly Superior Supremely Substantial Slavic Studliness cannot possibly be overcome -- succeeded in making The Pretty … gasp … unbelievably unthinkably unimaginably unlikely unsexily unattractive? … Shudders …

I guess I need to watch what I say, seeing as I did suggest this EgSama pairing last year – if only to relieve the pain in my eye sockets from watching really repulsively randy roadkill shag suddenly single surgeons … and to give Neela’s vaccinations a chance to work, because the tree bark she’d inherited from her dead husband Plank sure didn’t work to ward off infections. If I had known you were going to take me literally, Zabel, I would have suggested hooking McAsshole up with The Tooch’s character, Moretti … seeing as they would have been perfect, what with their coupling being More-Ego making and all … and have kept him away from Abby, and then her hoisting hooch might not have lead to The Tooch smooch and cooch pooch … and we could have averted the whole heartache and mess that now is her life …

Speaking of that heartache, how heartbreaking has it been to watch this whole thing unfold? I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, Maura Tierney is absolutely amazing. She has such an uncanny ability to make you feel exactly what Abby is feeling, and she can do it without saying a word. From the overwhelming joy that infused her and lit up her face when she saw Luka, running to him and leaping into his arms, where nothing else in the world mattered right then but him; to the staggering guilt she felt barely moments later when Luka’s happiness at being reunited ran right up against the living embodiment of her infidelity, subsequently contributing to her being violently ill in the break room sink; to her quiet desolation as she gave in later to weeping over her secret shame as she cleaned up a spill in MoJo’s room. How painful it was to see her sinking further and further as she continued to keep this all from Luka; watching the alienation her dishonesty caused, the shocking projection of her disgust with herself onto Neela with the pinpoint accuracy of bitter hateful eviscerating words, her shocked incredulity that Luka could question whether she still loved him or not, realizing the complete extent of her inability to hide her unhappiness from him and that her self-loathing-inspired avoidance of him and withdrawal from intimacy sadly caused him to believe she no longer felt the same as she once had towards him. All this culminating in Abby’s finally confessing her relapse to Luka in a scene so full of pain, so steeped in raw emotion, so realistic that you almost felt like a voyeur watching an actual married couple’s struggle. When Goran Visnjic’s Luka broke down and started blaming himself for what happened as a tear-filled Abby insisted that the fault was hers, I pretty much broke down, too … Though I didn’t take the blame … because I know that the fault lies with Zabel … and his unholy insistence on torturing the living hell out of me …

And so we come to the return – FIN-A-FUCKING-LLY – of ER tonight, where Zabel will continue his overzealously persistent maniacal glee in prolonging our hideous anguish … Because it is abundantly apparent, all is not resolved between Abby and Luka – not anywhere close. Though Abby came clean about the drinking in December, she couldn’t bring herself to admit the affair to him, even though he knows, and tried to get her to talk about, that there is something that she hasn’t told him. And though in January we left post-rehab Abby in a seemingly good place, having divulged her alcoholism and stint in a residential rehabilitation facility to the all-but-Sam-for-some-strange-reason supportive hospital staff, made peace with Neela, and was about to leave for Croatia to be with Luka and MoJo, we know that all really is not well. Will Abby confess everything? Will Luka immediately forgive her and they carry on past this single ugly incident in a lifetime as if nothing at all happened that could have ruined their beautiful, idyllic marriage that people are overly interested in and jealous of? Will they seal their love, taking MoJo to an island paradise seemingly away from prying eyes to frolic in the sun? Or will it be much more complicated, excruciating and emotional than that? Will we more likely see Luka agonizingly trying to come to terms with the betrayal? Will he be able to comprehend as he hasn’t before just what havoc alcoholism can wreak and what devastation it can leave in its wake? Will he be able to actually understand what Abby was going through? Will he ultimately accept and finally find a way to forgive her?

I have a feeling we ain’t seen nothing yet … In the undeniably talented hands of Maura Tierney and Goran Visnjic, this is going to be extraordinary … Stay tuned …

… That is, at least for a few more episodes – as there’s not much time left for this storyline, or any of the show’s storylines for that matter, to be resolved. It’s been officially announced that ER will end its long and memorable run at the end of next season – its 15^th. Kudos to all involved with this show to reach that kind of incredible milestone. However, looks like Maura Tierney, and Goran Visnjic, will only be around for some of the shows – departing sometime next season. According to Maura, “Fans of Luka and Abby should always have their tissues close by … We are going to make you cry so hard. But they might be tears of joy” … Great … Zabel the Unstable’s not yet finished with his Poisonous Peppy Pen of Tempestuous Tyrannical Torture … Oh, goody …

Even though it’s getting near the end of her run, apparently Maura hasn't decided yet what she's going to take with her from the show … Hmmm … I think I may have a few ideas …

What Maura Should Take With Her When She Leaves ER:

The snowglobe Luka gave Abby
The snowglobe Abby gave Luka
The compass
Luka’s fish tank
Luka’s PlayStation
Abby’s iPod ... with Abby’s music loaded... leave Luka's craptastic collection for the scrap heap ... or Sam ... same difference
Abby’s wedding dress
The "Taxicab of Love" where Abby got my lap dance from Luka in I Don't ... Bitch ...
Luka’s mom’s pearls that Abby wore in her hair … because they look “great”
The bikini Luka bought her
The squeaky elephant Abby and Luka got busy on in the baby store in Split Decisions … Bitch …
The foosball table from Benton Backwards
Abby's red cell phone
The knife Carter got stabbed with
Carter’s “Dear Abby” letter … that he didn’t want to waste the kerosene writing
The bench in the Ambulance Bay where Abby first kissed Luka … which later was the one where she read Carter’s letter and her relationships with Carter, and then later Jake, finally, thankfully, ended ...
All of the lockers … because she never knows which one will be hers
The large diamond studs Abby’s sported quite a few times since the middle of last season
The “circle of love” pendant Abby wore in Breach of Trust
The necklace and earrings she wore in I Do
The hair clip Luka removed and tossed in I Do … Bitch …
Abby’s brown leather jacket from Man With No Name that I totally covet
Abby’s huge many zippered jacket that they kept making her wear
Luka’s antlers … with Luka wearing them
Luka’s baseball hat … with Luka wearing it
Luka’s Santa hat … with Luka wearing it
Luka’s grey sweater … with Luka wearing it
Hell, she should just take Luka
and all his Luka Blues, I & II, so he has something to wear …
… or not …
… and if not, then she should take Abby’s “panties”, so he at least has something to toss at her and say sexily while he’s not wearing … Bitch …
Abby’s Naughty Santa outfit … and Naughty Nurse outfit … and Naughty Schoolgirl outfit … for when Luka’s not wearing … Bitch …
Since Abby's carrying Luka's heart in her heart, I guess Maura gets to take that with her, too ... Bitch ...
Her trailer …
The Mobile Hair Salon … complete with Shampoo Boy … Bitch …

Cranky Commentary – ER Season 14: To Hair is Human … To Schtup The Tooch, Unkind

2007-11-15T11:21:00.002-05:00

See what happens when there’s a Mobile Salon operating without its proper Shampoo Boy?

What have I repeatedly told you people – It always comes down to the hair … And man, has Abby’s been in a lot of trouble this season … She’s obviously missing her individualized deep penetrating massage treatments from her live-in Super Slavic Shampoo Boy … Bitch … but her real problems didn’t start until crazy cosmetologist lady Faberge’d Farrah’s feathered flip to the long Lockhart locks, Seventies’ Senior Prom style ...

From there, it just regressed even further than Abby’s formative years, and her ‘do went right on back to preschool …

Though the head-banded, kindergartner look really worked well for the scene of Abby’s conversation with her sponsor, where her physical appearance matched what her facial expressions portrayed – that of a little girl lost. And I can’t even tell you what a stroke of genius it was to have Coburn (I love her) be Abby’s sponsor – there’s always seemed to be more depth to that relationship than that they’d just worked together in OB, and the sponsorship explains wonderfully. Just brilliant …

And just because it’s taken me a couple of episodes to comment, don’t think I’m unaware, nor at all ungrateful, that the Mobile Hair Salon set up in the Lounge by the grateful Beautician Mom in Gravity was a total direct and delicious shoutout to Cranky Recaps, David Zabel – Just like Neela’s bitching “Oh, God, not the Yellow Room” in the season opener when they were going to take her to Trauma Yellow, aka … dun dun DUN …“The Trauma Room of Impending Doom” after her trampling … Hee … So, yes, as of last week, I was totally loving you, Zaby Baby … Now, not so much … Not after the Tooch Smooch and Abby’s extremely excessively explicit, shockingly shamefully scandalous, hurtingly horrifyingly hellacious, unbelievably unseemly undressing, depraved defiling debauchery, frightening filthifying fornication, malicious monogamy murdering, empty-headedly execrably enjoying, befoulingly bleak betrayal of her haplessly harmed husband, the preoccupied Pretty perfection, comely clueless Croatian, undeservingly unknowing of unfaithfulness. For shame, Abby. It is at least comforting to know that there will be no infringement on nor takeover of the Hair Salon, for The Tooch has none … How does a hopelessly haggard Hairdresser send a message that this is just a meaningless fuck and not a lifetime commitment? Boff a bald boy …

And while I did say "In your dreams, Tooch" to The Tooch's comment about replacing her husband at the end of last season, I had inadvertently left off the end of that sentence. It should have read -- "In your dreams, Tooch ... or only when Abby is completely off the wagon and her judgment ... and taste ... greatly impaired by alcohol ... like how she ended up (and continued drinking so she'd be able to keep staying) with Carter in the first place ..." At least The Tooch didn't go all caveman on her and throw her over his shoulder to try and force her to go to an AA meeting. Instead, he, who could not have been nearly as inebriated as Abby was, considering how she showed up at Ike's already feeling no pain, (and it’s interesting to note that even Neela doesn’t seem to be aware of Abby’s alcoholism), somehow knowing she was definitely coming back to the bar, ordered a visibly intoxicated woman a pretty potent cocktail rather than, say, something with a lower alcohol content, like beer. And while there's something very compelling about The Tooch himself, I, like Abby, don't like Moretti -- he's an arrogant ass. Hmmm ... seems to be a pattern here ... Abby, when in various states of intoxication, ends up with human jackasses. Interesting that she's never needed alcohol … because, seriously, why the hell would she? … to get her motor running and head out on the highway looking for adventure with Luka ... Bitch ... It's been pretty apparent since The Tooch first appeared on this show at the end of last season that Moretti is very attracted to Abby. There has definitely been an underlying vibe between them in all of their scenes. What Abby did could kind of be explained -- but not in any way excused -- by the fact that she is obviously totally and completely overwhelmed by her life. She misses Luka terribly, unsure when or even if he's ever coming back (not for nothing that with her extreme abandonment issues the seeds of doubt had already been planted when she mentions to Neela in In A Different Light that she thinks Luka’s comfortable in Croatia and happy there and that she can “hear it in his voice”), so for all intents and purposes, she’s a single parent, and in the fourth year of her medical residency, struggling to balance home and career -- all of which contribute to her being in full-blown relapse, needing the alcohol constantly, even arranging to get out of work early so that she can go drink. But what's Moretti's excuse? He knew she was married, though he probably assumed from her response to his asking when Luka's coming back, "You'd have to ask him that ... because he was supposed to be home weeks ago ..." that the marriage was in serious trouble, either not knowing Abby well enough to get, or else just plain misinterpreting, the bitter pain in her tone when she said it.

Hmmm … I seem to remember reading a Story this summer about having a drunken one-night stand with someone who you’re not particularly attracted to (and referring to someone snidely as “Mussolini” at least five times per every episode leading up to the horribly hideous humping and actually telling them to their face that you don’t like them is a pretty good indication that you find someone unattractive) … Although Abby does really regretfully remember the blotto boinking … Guess it’s a good thing there’s no chance of her getting pregnant, huh?

So, what's the recourse when your Shampoo Boy is gone and your hair is in distress? Go after a Mullet? A Mohawk? A Mike Brady-esque man-perm? Or do you go to the opposite extreme -- no hair. Again, explains the Carter thing - who was starting to show the signs at that time, though not as bad as the recession-hiding faux comb-overs (though technically, I guess they were more comb-forwards) that really got going in his later seasons ...

Being in full-blown relapse this time, Abby couldn't just go for thinning locks, she had to mercilessly slap the face of all things Salon and go for bald ...

Though really, I don’t think it mattered that it was The Tooch that Abby ended up with that night – it could have been anyone. The way she was overtly way overly noticing Energy Manager Guy who was all into Sam, the way she immediately (and maybe subconsciously deliberately) believed that the bewildered Moretti was coming on to her -- though she obviously did sense his attraction to her. Promos for this ep told us Abby was falling back on “old habits” – and it wasn’t just the drinking. Back during their first go-round, when it seemed Abby felt that Luka didn't really want to be with her and was possibly just staying with her out of some sense of obligation, it was like she needed to have Carter around to feel wanted, and then had to go after him to validate that after pretty much forcing Luka to break up with her ... Carter at least knew her well enough to know she was doing so because of Luka, Moretti doesn't know her, or her history, well enough to figure that out ... Abby’s statement to Pratt in The Test that “It’s like I’m actually trying to screw things up” was very telling – it’s not that she’s actively trying to mess her life up, but she’s clearly not in control enough to make good decisions. Now Abby’s reenacted the lowest point of her life, the one she told Bird about in Murmurs of the Heart, when she related the story of waking up in an apartment and having no idea how she got there – as she does in Blackout when she’s running around getting dressed after having woken up in Moretti’s bed and asks him, all confused, “What happened? How did I get here?” – and next to some guy that she didn’t even remember meeting. Where in that instance, Abby had an en bloc blackout, which is when there is full and permanent memory loss for events that happened while intoxicated, this time she experienced a fragmentary blackout, which are far more common, where reminders of alcohol-fueled experiences can trigger at least some recall of initially missing information. Though I’m sure that Abby, like all of the viewing audience, wishes that she didn’t remember screwing The Tooch -- though considering what a royal fuck-up this is, that should be "screwing the pooch" …

Whatever happens in the Hair Salon apparently doesn’t stay in the Hair Salon, because the effects of its shut-down are truly trans-global, because WTF is up with your hair, Luka???

I guess they get the Disney Channel in Croatia and you’re all into Hannah Montana because you are totally on the verge of a full-on Billy Ray Cyrus mullet-ization and you don’t even know you’re about to have an Achy Breaky Heart yet … Jeez, you’d better get your frightfully-skinny-on-the-verge-of-anorexia-
what-the-hell-don’t-they-have-food-in-Croatia-better-get-thee-to-a-bunnery-and-eat-a-donut-
for-Chrissakes bony ass back to Chicago and into soaking in the spa … Bitch … pronto, Luka. Six months, Luka??? WTF??? I know that your dad is sick, and multiple myeloma is terrible and painful, but you couldn’t have found time to come home and at least visit your only-been-married-to-for-one-week-
before-you-left-her-on-her-own-for-half-a-year wife and your turned-one-year-old-while-you’ve-been-gone-
and-is-now-walking son and then gone back??? I’m sure that you’re dealing with a lot of guilt for having left Croatia and not visiting as often as you could have and are trying to in some way make up for that, but you do have a family and responsibilities in Chicago, too. And you were all upset in Ames vs. Kovac that a court judgment against you could greatly affect yours and Abby’s income, yet being away and not working for six months doesn’t hurt your family’s financial situation? That just totally sucks, Luka …

So, how does Abby rectify this situation? I think a Twelve Step Program is really the only way to go …

Dr. Estranged-Love, or How Abby Learned to Stop Fucking Up and Love The Pretty

The 12 Suggested Steps for Tooch’s Ho Frolics Anonymous

1. Admit that she is powerless over bad hair days – that her hair has become unmanageable

2. Came to believe that a Pretty greater than herself could restore her to sanity … and sheen …

3. Made a decision to turn her will … and her hair … over to the care of the Shampoo Boy, and the wonder and good that is him ...

4. Made a searching and lubricious immoral inventory of all hair products … Bitch …

5. Admitted to God (aka The Pretty), to herself and to the entire freakin’ audience, the exact nature of her wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have The Pretty remove all the defects of hair over-processing.

7. Humbly asked The Pretty to remove her shorts … er, shortcomings … Bitch …

8. Made a list of all persons she had harmed, including the entire freakin’ viewing audience, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends – such as ensuring that we see naked Luka as an antidote for removing the retinal-burning image of shirtless Tooch – whenever possible … wherever possible … forever possible … and not doing so would definitely injure them and others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory of The Pretty parts she’s wronged and promptly submitted to them … Bitch …

11. Sought through protein treatments and massages to increase her conspicuous contact with The Pretty, and be underneath him, playing only Barfly and her Human Tequila Shot with him because only he has the power to carry that lime wedge just right … Bitch …

12. Having had a sexual reckoning that resulted in these steps, she tried to carry on with Pretty massages … Bitch … and to practice teasing follicles and have no more affairs …
However bleak the situation seems now, and however horrible it’s going to be to watch what happens when Luka finds out about Abby’s incredibly idiotic indiscretion, and however terribly difficult it’s going to be for them, and the viewing audience, to go through this, I have every confidence that Zabel will keep their we-always-seem-to-find-each-other compass fully functioning and that Luka and Abby will find their way back to one another and make it through this. You hear me, Zabel? Don’t fuck this up …

Seriously now, does anyone really think that Abby’s going to throw away this:

For this?:

No offense, Tooch. Just saying …

As painful as it’s been to watch Abby’s downward spiral, it’s also been absolutely mesmerizing, completely owing to the extraordinary and riveting performance of Maura Tierney. Like I’ve said on many occasions before, she is absolutely fearless in her portrayal of this character, willing to take her to the lowest of the low places, totally stripped bare (in this ep, literally), showing the most extreme vulnerability and like all good train-wrecks, you just can’t turn away from watching. The depths of her despair and the look of utter hopelessness and disgust with herself in that last scene in the airport -- absolutely heartbreaking. And of course, Blackout was just the tip of the iceberg. Yet, as much as I really wish they hadn’t gone there with Abby and Moretti … especially because they just had to show it to us … shudders … and as excruciating as it will be when Luka finds out about this, I find myself really looking forward to having this storyline unfold, if only to see what Maura will do with it. Just when I think that she can’t possibly top what she’s done before, she never fails to surprise me again. And now with Goran Visnjic coming back next ep … thank the Lord … and the amazing way those two play off each other, I simply cannot wait to see what happens next …

Thank You

2007-10-12T10:22:00.000-04:00

Well, as the saying goes, all good things ... and really crappy recaps ... must come to an end. After much soul-searching ... and shiraz ... coupled with much pigheadedly petulant preemptive presumptive pretentious pretending The Pretty's damned disappointing dreadful devastating departure definitely delusional dramatic decoy until urged unequivocally unilaterally unforgivably unhappily uncovering grave genuineness Goran's going, generating great grandiose grieving, leaving largely loathsome lamenting losing luscious Luka ... I've regrettably decided to no longer do detailed recaps of ER. As the new season has already begun and the final two episodes of last season still have yet to be crankified, I unfortunately am unable to carry on with them. I had a lot of fun doing this, but no longer have the "free" - in all senses of the word - time to work on them the way that I would like to. Now, of course, if big bucks -- I'm available, Zabel -- or just the opportunity to party with The Pretty, or just have him do my ... hair, would happen to come my way ... Just saying ... Anyway, I will continue to faithfully watch ER, because even if Goran Visnjic is sadly no longer a regular cast member, Maura Tierney still is, and I honestly can't wait to see what she does with what's been planned for Abby both while she's on her own and when Luka does return. As interesting as I think the new character of Moretti, played by the wonderful Stanley "The Tooch" Tucci, is, as glad that I am that the characters of Sam and Morris have become tolerable and sometimes enjoyable to watch, as much as I love Parminder Nagra and Mekhi Phifer, as much as I adore poking fun at Stamos and his McEgo and look forward to the snarkiness that will inevitably flow out of me with the return of Noah Wyle and the McSmirk, they're not what keeps me watching. When Maura Tierney goes, I go.

Because I'm sure that I won't be able to help myself and will just have to comment on certain scenes -- Like Luka's intimate belly and neck kissing Abby in Sea Change ... Bitch ... The shock of seeing that Ray's been cut off at the knees, literally ... Moretti telling Abby that he's replacing her husband - Yeah, in your dreams, Tooch ... Bitch ... The lovely family scene with Luka, Abby and their son MoJo that was marred by Luka's disturbing phone call ... The same cab, #2295, aka "The Taxicab of Love" that Abby ended up getting my Luka-licious lapdance ... Bitch ... in on the way to their surprise wedding in I Don't, is the one that takes a tremendously conflicted, sad and haunted-looking Luka to the airport in the season finale, while Abby and the beautiful little boy who played Chicago MoJo stand in the street, sporting the same longing, wistful expression as they watch the cab drive away ... The Neela's trampling finale and her season opening treatment in the ER so-did-not-even-come-close-to-packing-the-same-punch
and-having-me-sick-with-worry-over-the-hiatus of the prior year's prostrate Pretty watching helplessly as Abby collapsed in Trauma Green in 21 guns and the subsequent angst of the premature birth of the MoJo in the will-never-be-equaled Bloodline ... -- I am fairly certain that at times there just may be some Cranky Commentary floating hereabouts, though not 21 single-spaced typed pages worth - like the last recap ... And considering that like the characters, and many in the viewing audience, I waited seven long years for Luka and Abby to finally get married, maybe ending the recaps there might not be such a bad thing ...

Thank you to all of you that have taken the time to read these ramblings over the past two years. I greatly appreciate all of your comments, emails, encouragements and well-wishes. I hope that you will continue to watch ER, because even if the ratings are down, and those who've changed to another channel over the past couple of seasons have really missed some of the most amazing episodes and acting ever, in my opinion it's still the best show on television.

And remember, it really is all about the hair ...

ER 13.21 I Don't

2007-09-30T09:45:00.000-04:00

Previously on ER: Sam tries to convince Nurse Dawn that the ER shutting down is only temporary, but Dawn’s not so sure considering there are people running around checking cracks in the ceiling and now the department is having “some dinner”; Pratt tells Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House but better known by the more absurdly apt aliases Uncle Ego, or McEgo, or even McRoadkill in honor of his puerilely putrescent penchant for fuzzy facial features, that Luka probably just wants to boost morale, which must mean that Luka’s either going to appear in various states of undress … Yum … And about time, Luka --- waaaaaaaaay overdue … or else he’ll be performing lapdances … or both … and I can so feel my morale boosting already, Luka … Just saying … Call me …; Morris asks Luka how they can afford such a fancy place and hopes that it isn’t the pharmaceutical company, Ladokern, to whom he had almost sold his soul earlier in exchange for his exceedingly expensive ensemble of pretentiously polished purplish pimpwear; Pratt asks Ray and his pornstache-that-even-my-mother-couldn’t-love if he’d sorted things out with Neela, but Ray’s ‘stache thinks there’s nothing to sort out that some crème bleach or a good depilatory couldn’t take care of; Dubenko introduces Neela to the new surgical med student, Mae Lee Park, or Lovebite as I’ve dubbed her, since this actress also played the valley-girl’ing hickey-coated twit who wanted Abby to check her neck after Katie O arrived in the ER with meningitis in Out on A Limb last season, Neela thinks it’s nice to meet her and Lovebite’s heard a lot about Neela, which could be really bad for you Neela if it turns out she’s a PETA person and learns about your foul foray into fetid fur through far-fetched foolish fulsome fornication with the recognizably rabid Roadkill, since everyone knows that John Stamos Has Rabies; Intern Hope Bobeck, who’s played by Busy Philipps, who was Kim Kelly opposite Linda Cardellini’s Lindsay Weir on Freaks and Geeks, tells Morris that she’s Martha Stewart’s lovechild because she can “smell a wedding a mile away” and that it’s like a “sixth sense”, because I guess she doesn’t see dead people, she sees unwed people; Busy’s all happily blathering away to Abby about how it’s “in your eyes” and how she has “the glow” , despite Abby’s repeated attempts to try to get a word in edgewise to protest how she didn’t want this news to get out because it was “the only one thing” that Luka asked of her, until Abby finally shuts Busy down by yelling “Hope!” to get her attention and then warning her in a hilarious I’m-so-not-joking-so-don’t-even-try-me-Blondie tone “If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you” … Hee …

Daylight … Chicago scenery … the lake … the El … Train roars by overhead as we see Ray walking down the street. He heads into the now deserted Ambulance Bay. It’s unoccupied, except for a security guard type sitting on a folding chair by the in-lieu-of-doors-plastic-sheet-covered entranceway. Eerily empty, there’s even a background noise that sounds like crickets chirping … Hee … Next there will tumbleweeds blowing past … We hear the sounds of a baseball game, so Security must just so be on top of the … security, as Ray takes a moment to do that obligatory looking around bit, like “Wow, can you believe it’s this barren?” Well, yes, Ray, I can. Seeing as they’ve done the remodeling-the-ER-plastic-tarps-all-around-thing quite a few times before. And why am I getting the really bad déjà vu feeling, especially after the last ep ending with Luka walking down the darkened hallway, that Chuny is going to emerge from behind the plastic to say that Luka died in the Congo? Shudders … Besides, Luka can’t be dead yet – I haven’t gotten my lapdance … Ray approaches Security, who’s doing his armchair coaching, looking at his handheld TV and bitching at the batter for swinging. He barely even glances up at Ray as he tells him “We’re closed”. Ray knows this because he works there, and Security thinks that Ray should know then that the ER is closed until further notice. Again with the not looking, Security. Way to be on top of your job. You could have a permanent position in this ER with that attitude. Ray gives him a you-so-don’t-know-who-I-am-buddy look and attitude, saying “I’m an R3”. Well, la-di-freakin’-da, Ray … Security pretty much feels the same way I do and keeps ignoring him. Ray then asks more politely, “I left something in my locker. Do you mind?” Security gives him a quick look, then tells him to go ahead, handing him a flashlight and saying that he might need it. Ray and I are both giving the guy an incredulous “you’re not even going to check ID?” look as Ray takes the light from him and I wonder what goodies and Luka-licious memorabilia I might be able to loot from this place if I tell Security the same story … Hopefully that Cubs game is a doubleheader … As the Poignant Piano of Strangely Stagnant Redundant Remodels plays, Ray pushes through the plastic curtains to enter the darkened ER. What day is this? Is it a weekend? Or maybe it’s simply after 3 pm – which seems to be when the crew that is revamping our offices quits working, drops their tools where they’re standing, and hightails it out of there, even though considering the four scheduled coffee breaks, the fifteen unscheduled smoke breaks, the hour lunch break, and the numerous standing around the watercooler discussing last night’s Lost episode breaks, they’ve pretty much only done about 12.2 minutes worth of work total today. Bastards. Though it’s probably more likely that, like with Security and most of the rest of the staff, “work” is optional in this ER. Ray shines the light around as he makes his way through the ladder strewn, drop-cloth draped construction site to get to the locker area, where he finds the section with his lying on its side on the floor. I wonder if Abby’s is one of them, since the last time we saw it, her locker was beside his. Though probably not, considering hers seems to be caught in some kind of deliciously malicious viciously pernicious conspicuously suspicious game of Musical “Chairs” -- or “Lockers” as it were -- never settling in one spot for more than one episode. Since the music’s still playing, I guess the game’s still on. Ray opens his locker, pushes aside a lab coat, stethoscope and some scrubs, and seems to find what it was he forgot. He picks up what looks like a CD, shining his light on it so that he, but not we, can get a better look at it. Yeah, thanks a lot, Ray. The light’s pretty much blocking out whose picture it is on the cover, but it looks like it’s a man and woman, and I’m hoping to God that Ray hasn’t been going through Luka’s craptastic CD collection and borrowed the Captain and Tennille’s Greatest Hits. Even though I’ve been known to break into some verses of “Do That To Me One More Time” around Luka … Just saying … and can see the appeal of the whole “Love Will Keep Us Together” thing, I’m so not into “Muskrat Love” … Though I suppose that Neela is, considering the rodent she’s been dating …

And as if on cue, there’s Neela, in Abby’s ex/now her apartment, putting on some earrings, when we hear someone at the door. Who can it be knocking at your door, Neela? If it’s the muskrat, don’t worry, they aren’t particularly known for their hearing, so, make no sound, tiptoe across the floor. If he hears, he’ll knock all day. You’ll be trapped and here you’ll have to stay. The knocking continues and Neela doesn’t heed my advice and says loudly, “Okay … just a second …” From behind the door we hear McEgo say, “C’mon, Mayday …We’re gonna miss the canapés …” Oh, great. It is him. Why didn’t you listen to me, Neela? And why am I totally surprised that McEgo even knows what a canapé is, considering Abby had no clue back in A Saint in the City in Season 9 when Carter trotted her out to one of his family’s omniscient magnificent beneficent proficient omnificent munificent garishly self-serving philanthropic events and how because Carter just ignored her when she asked him before, she questioned Gamma as to what the difference was between a canapé and an appetizer, to which she got the patented completely-runs-in-the-Carter-family one-two combo of an expression of condescending smugness coupled with the patronizing “you’re-really-just-slightly-removed-from-trailer-trash-aren’t-you-dear” tone. I don’t know whose behavior towards Abby was more true-color revealing in its shameless superciliousness that episode – Gamma’s or Carter’s. Ugh. Neela gets a “WTF is he doing here?” Botox-inducing scowl on her face. Well, you must have done some harm, didn’t keep to yourself, and there’s definitely something wrong with your state of mental health because this is what you get when you make with the McHemming and the McHawing on the McDumping, Neela. McIdiot. Neela rolls her eyes before heading over to answer the door. I feel like I’m watching one of those teenage slasher movies where the audience always yells at the screen during the action, “Don’t do it!!! Don’t open the door!!!” But no, Neela once again ignores me and to my horror opens the door to reveal … dun dun DUN … A clean-shaven McEgo! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! … Wait … clean-shaven??? … What??? No bristly beard? No scruffy stubble? No seedy shadow? No putrid pelt? … Am I being “Punk’d”??? Alright, where’s that awesomely attractive Ashton? C’mon out, now -- you got me!… No? … Wow … So now I guess that since the roadkill’s been eradicated, it really is his personality that I find most repugnant … Huh … Neela wants to know what he’s doing there as McEgo way overly McAppreciates Neela’s cleavage. Nice, McPervert. Neela does look very nice, though. Her hair is up, with ringlets down over one shoulder and she’s got on a little black dress with spaghetti straps. McEgo, never lifting his McEyes from her McChest, tells her that he thought they would go to this “ER shindig” together. Neela, rightfully underwhelmed, just says “Oh”. McEgo, letting his eyes flicker up to her face for just one millisecond before returning to McGawking, replies “Or not”. Still McStaring, he gives her the “Wow … you look … wow”. Neela doesn’t answer, looking embarrassed at all the McLeering disguised as McFawning McFlattery. Filling the silence, McEgo tells her that he knows that things have been a bit crazy with him and that their relationship is undefined, but Neela turns away from the door before he can continue, heading back into the apartment as she says “We should talk …” He starts to follow, but seems to realize that she hasn’t invited him in, so he stays at the door, suggesting that maybe they could talk at dinner. Neela, not sounding too excited at the prospect of supping with him – though it’s got to be better now that things can’t get McTrapped in the McUnderbrush anymore, Neela -- still doesn’t look at him as she tells him unenthusiastically, “Yeah … let me just … get my stuff”. She walks off camera, further into the apartment, leaving him to uncomfortably watch after her, probably because he’s McPissed that he can’t McOgle her anymore … McDeviant …

It’s nighttime as green and white taxicab #2295 makes a left turn into a streetlamp lit Chicago alleyway. As it gets closer, we can see Abby and Luka in the backseat. Ooh, I guess I’d better start getting ready for my lapdance … I’m shivering with an-ti-ci-----pation … Now where did I put that wad of dollar bills … and my camera … and my smokes … and my smelling salts … Abby better not be getting any preliminary lap action in that backseat, Luka … Bitch … I so don’t want to know that you two have changed up the role-playing and moved out of the Hair Salon and into the Red-Light District so you can start being all Exotic Dancer and Her Human Stripper Pole … Bitch … What would Abby’s stripper name be? According to this site it would be Fantasia Glitter Tower, though she’s not really the sparkly type so I’m thinking she’s more of a Kinky Downs, Angel Spunk or Bambi Throb … And Luka’s probably a Huge Sparks, Manley Body, Cockney Hammer, King Kong Steel, Bone Bends or something … Lucky bitch … The cab pulls to a stop, Luka opens the door and gets out, with a confused-looking Abby following him, as a sirens-blaring police car passes behind them. Luka shuts the door and they both turn to rubberneck as the cops go tearing off down the street. Still watching as another police car goes by, Luka adjusts his jacket around him and buttons it up. Damn, Luka’s fully clothed. I’d been hoping for the standard Chippendales’ uniform of just the bow-tie and some tight completely-hugging-more-contours-than-others spandex pants … sigh … but I’m easy … Well, not easy easy … Actually, okay, yeah, I am … I’m just as fine with you performing the striptease out of that lovely-looking black suit ensemble, too, Luka … Especially since it seems to be rather formfitting as well ... Abby’s still looking around quizzically as she asks him “Why are we here so early?” Luka, putting his right hand on her left upper arm as they start to walk … Bitch … tells her “Well, I’m the Chief … I thought I should be here first”, as a gusty wind blows up his carefully buttoned coattails and suddenly I’m thinking about Luka and the Full Monty and that maybe I can get my lapdance sooner rather than later … Call me … Luka then looks at Abby, giving her that adorable little grin of his … Bitch … Playing with her hair, Abby pointedly reminds him before I can, “Were the Chief”. Hee. Luka, still grinning, now has his arm around her … Bitch … saying “Well, consider this my last official act”. Abby’s still looking around dubiously as she questions, “The department dinner is here?” Keeping on with the grinning, Luka takes his hand from her shoulder … good boy … then he actually claps and rubs his hands together, strangely seeming like a kid in a candy store, even licking his lips as he keeps looking at her like he’s trying to gauge her reaction. I must say, Luka, that I’m sharing Abby’s apparent skepticism, and can’t see why you seem so … excited … by all this. Luka, seeing Abby’s smirk, starts to preemptively roll his eyes to the smartass comment that he knows is definitely following … and it does … “I haven’t been in a neighborhood like this since the last time I tried to score some crack …” Hee …

Camera shot from above of Abby and Luka in an industrial type elevator that reminds me too much of the one Glenn Close and Michael Douglas found love in during Fatal Attraction … Let that be a warning to you not to be getting any ideas about livin’ it up when you’re goin’ down, Abby, because there could so easily be some rabbit stew with your name on it cookin’ up when you get home … Just saying … Bitch … From the overhead elevator cam, we see Abby looking up and watching as they ascend.

When they reach the floor they’re going to and stop, we’re behind them with the inside-the-elevator cam as Luka lifts the gate and a so-far-not-impressed Abby comments, “Budgets cuts are getting serious, huh?” The gate retracts and we see a long catering hall sort of place with a dark wood bar to the left while straight ahead there’s some small burgundy-clothed two-people-seating type round tables and cane-backed chairs with matching burgundy cushioned seats pushed up to them, and some white-shirted, black-vest-and-tie wearing waiter-types milling about. Luka tries a pep-talk like tone, “C’mon, it’s different”, to get Abby in the spirit of whatever it is he wants her in the spirit of tonight. And remember, Abby, it better not have anything to do with that elevator … Bitch … Since Abby’s basically the opposite of “peppy”, she sarcastically replies, “That’s for sure”. Hee. Luka keeps trying though, tapping his hands together sort of nervously as he points out the space to her, saying, “See this? Pretty cool, huh?”, and looking at her hopefully. Because Luka’s enthusiasm apparently isn’t catching, Abby looks around as she continues to wear the slightly amused but curious expression and asks, “Is this a restaurant?” Camera angle widens to show us more of the room, which is actually more like continuously connected rooms. It really is a cool open space with exposed brick walls, tall palm-like greenery placed unobtrusively around, iron chandeliers, and wall sconces, that all make for an intimately lit setting, although maybe a little too intimately lit, seeing as whoever owns this place must be using the same lamp supplier that Luka did for his pre-Abby and their son, Mongo Joe Kovac, or MoJo, days, because this place is just as well lit as his Bat Cave apartment used to be. Memo to ER’s lighting department – the bulbs you are looking for are spelled h-a-l-o-g-e-n and you can get them at any Home Depot or Lowes. Just saying. Luka’s actually wringing his hands as he watches her, really wanting her to love this place as much as he seems to. Abby’s still not buying whatever Luka’s trying to sell her here, but she’s watching the working wait-staff intently as they’re setting up the tables and placing centerpieces. Luka tells her that it’s not a restaurant, it’s a “rental space” as he grabs her hand to lead her towards a sort of doorway that flows into another large space.

He fills her in that a patient told him about this place as they move into another waiter-ed area, this one with large stone columns, a few rather ornate baroque-ish chairs around, tapestry-looking artwork on the bare brick, lots of freestanding scrollwork candleholders, and a straight out of some Harem, ceiling-hanging, burgundy-pillowed reclining swing thing. Walking a little ahead of him, Abby sees all this ornamentation and throws over her shoulder to Luka facetiously, “And was she by any chance … a porn star?” Hee … Abby’s right though, this place is definitely a bit eccentric – with the colors, lighting, architecture and décor, this space is sort of a cross between an industrial warehouse, a Medieval church and a bordello. Luka reaches out to grab Abby’s hand again to lead her in yet another direction as he corrects her assumption by telling her “He is a music producer”. As Abby moves with him, she jestingly says, “O-o-h, so it is a drug den”. Luka smiles as they walk, and because he’s been hanging around Abby way too much, he actually does a total Abby playing-with-the-hair move as he reaches his left hand up to a piece of his hair that his hanging down in his face and sweeps it over his forehead and back, like he’s trying to tuck it behind his ear, even though it’s in no way long enough. Hee. They keep moving, but Abby’s eyes follow a vest-wearing girl carrying floral centerpieces, before turning back and asking him, “And since when did these things get so formal?” Formal? Is that what you call what you’re wearing, Abby? I mean, you look nice and all, in your dark suit with coordinating dark scoop-necked top with white camisole thingy and long thin chain necklace underneath, and I love the little black leather clutch you’re carrying, not to mention the nice-sized silvery crescent earrings you’re sporting … but, that ensemble is definitely not what I’d call “formal”. Whereas Luka on the other hand, is looking mighty yummily elegant in the aforementioned black suit, crisp white shirt and black tie with the subtle monochromatic black stripes. Delicious. Though I have to say that I am liking your hair, Abby -- in that style you wore in the All About Christmas Eve episode last year when you broke the news to Luka about being pregnant -- with the around the crown pieces pulled back and clipped behind leaving most of it to hang down past your shoulders and the bangs swooping down across your forehead and to the right. It looks nice, so of course I’m left to conclude that with the ER closed, Luka’s and your in-home Hair Salon and Day Spa is functioning at top capacity, and without the distractions of his former job as department boss, your Shampoo Boy has been able to devote himself to his exclusive clientele of one on a full-time basis. Bitch … Luka thinks it’s fun and that people like to get dressed up, but Abby just nods at him with a slight shrug and “uh huh, sure they do” expression as a waiter guy carrying two centerpieces approaches them and says “Good evening”. He holds up the flowers that he’s carrying, doing that sort of weighing up and down motion, as he tells Luka that “Dr. Bobeck” is in back and she needs him to make a decision on the centerpieces, even though the two he’s holding look pretty much the same to me. Luka makes a weird sort of “oh, shit” eyes-widening look before nervously nodding at Waiter Guy. Abby just kind of stares at Waiter Guy with a “huh?” expression. He says “hi” to her, and she smiles and “hi” ‘s him back. As he starts to walk away, Waiter Guy says “Big night, huh?” to her. Uh oh … What’s going on here, Luka??? Because while Abby’s evidently thoroughly confused with that “Who the - ? What the - ?” scowl, you’re looking awfully guiltily apprehensive all of a sudden, Luka. Abby watches after Waiter Guy, asking Luka “What’s he talking about?” And what’s with the huge all white rose floral arrangement on the table against the wall right behind you, Luka? That is so not a “work” dinner spray … Luka starts to pull Abby through yet another burgundy velvet draped doorway, telling her that Busy is there and that she helped set everything up as a couple more waiter guys wheel a large ice sculpture past them. We view Abby through the heart-shaped opening which is made by the connecting heads of two carved swans. Swans??? Oh, man no way … NO WAY … Is this really what I’m thinking this is, Luka??? Luka has to drag Abby forward because she’s totally and completely confounded as she stares at the ice block going by.

He pulls her into the next room, walking backwards so that he can watch her reaction as Abby questions, “What do you mean, ‘Hope set everything up’?” Even with Luka tightly holding her hand, she stumbles a little bit, feet tripping over each other as she moves into the room, staring wide-eyed at what she sees. As he moves his free arm in a presenting gesture towards what he’s been wanting all along to show her, Luka makes an uncomfortable little sighing noise before asking her “What do you think?” Camera angle switches to show us Abby’s point-of-view as we see a brighter, better lit large room, filled with more of the cane-backed chairs, arranged in rows on either side of a long white floor runner, facing forwards towards what looks like a white flower and greenery surrounded makeshift altar. Oh, wow … Wow … A dark green taffeta-dressed Busy, who’s standing in the center of the runner with some of the wait staff and a little girl dressed in white, gives an excited gasp as she spots Abby and Luka and starts rushing over, happily going, “Yay, yay, yay!” Abby, mouth still hanging open in disbelief, turns to gape at Luka, who’s rubbing his hands expectantly and looking at her with such adorable hopefulness. Busy gets over to them and says with all her shoulder-shrugging delight, “A wedding!” Abby, recovering from her initial shock but blushing from embarrassment, says simply, “No”, before starting to back away. The little girl dressed in white, whose wearing a crown of light pink flowers and has her dark hair hanging down in angelic curly ringlets, asks her “Are you the bride?” Cheeks flaming and smiling embarrassedly as she keeps backing up, she looks at Angelic Curls, points her finger towards her and says “Nope”. Abby never stops moving as she keeps shaking her head and repeating “no” as Luka, Busy and Angelic Curls move with her. Busy says that Angelic Curls is “Sophie” and she’s the daughter of the caterer and that “she’s going to be your flower girl”. Abby’s finally made it through the doorway and, still smiling through gritted teeth, tosses over her shoulder, “Like hell she is”, as she turns and starts fast-walking down the hall to get out of there. Hee. Luka, looking amused, like he was totally expecting this reaction, follows after her saying, “Abby”, as Busy and Angelic Curls watch them with “what’s going on?” expressions.

Abby keeps right on trucking but is no longer smiling as she says to Luka in an “I-cannot-believe-this”, totally annoyed tone, “You’re kidding me, right? I mean you’ve got to be kidding me”. He wants to know if they can please just talk about this as Abby moves through a doorway. Realizing that she can’t get out that way, she quickly turns around and heads in another direction as she asks in a slightly panicked tone to no one in particular, “How do I get out of here?” Luka, talking fast to get the words in over her panic, says, “You’re just nervous. That’s why I did it this way”, then with a shrugging shoulders, open hand, palms up supplicating gesture adds, “It saves you the stress”. Still walking, but facing him as she talks, Abby replies sarcastically, “Really? Do you think I look particularly un-stressed right now?” Hee. Abby keeps moving into yet another room as Waiter Guy comes up to Luka again, stopping him to tell him that the cake is coming up and asking him where he wants it. Luka points down the hall and tells him to check with Busy as he hurries to try to catch up with a fast-moving Abby, who’s using her talent for multi-tasking to speed-walk purposively and bitch at him at the same time in a “I just don’t get it” chuckling-mirthlessly-at-the-end incredulous tone, “How could you have ever imagined I’d want to do it like this?” Following behind her, Luka tries to explain that planning the wedding was freaking her out, then unbelievably says as he appropriately mimics it with his hands, “This way it’s like … ripping off a band-aid”. Oh, yikes, Luka. I get what you’re trying to tell her about how it’s better to just jump in, do it and get it over with because apprehensive anticipation is worse then the actuality, but, I mean … Jeez … What is it with you and the idea of weddings? Last year you just blurted out the “let’s get married” to her and when she backed off and wanted to just get through one major life change at a time, you told her that sometimes it’s better to just “lump them all together”, and now this astoundingly asinine analogy? Abby’s not seeming too taken with it either. As she gets to a stairway, grabs the railing and starts to descend, she turns her head towards him to mock his totally unromantic statement in a sardonic tone, “Oh man, you really know how to melt a girl’s heart”. Hee. Luka follows her on the stairs, chuckling as he claims, “This is something that we both want”, as Abby disgustedly sighs in frustration as another escape route is blocked to her because some waiters are carrying up the giant multi-tiered white wedding cake with the plastic bridal couple on top. Abby turns to head back up, stopping on the step so that they’re face-to-face to turn and protest, “Luka, it’s crazy”. He again holds his hands up placatingly as he tries to soothe her with, “We can do something for our families later …”, but Abby’s on the move again before he finishes “… tonight is for us …” Abby’s not buying that and gibes, “Yeah, what … and a bunch of people from work?” Luka corrects her as he follows, “Our friends”, but she’s not listening as she heads towards the elevator, spouting off, “And what about the food? … And what about the music? …”, then adding pissily, “And just look at this place … it’s like getting married in a Meat Loaf video … “ Hee … You took the words right out of my mouth, Abby. And you certainly are trying to get out of there like a Bat Out of Hell … I mean, what, you’ll do anything for love, but you won’t do that? Do you want to sleep on it and give him an answer in the morning? And sure, the place is dripping with Elizabethan ostentation, but it does have Luka and it is already all set up, so two out of three ain’t bad … Abby pushes repeatedly on the button to get the elevator to come so she can make her getaway as Luka keeps explaining that he took care of everything and that Busy helped him. Abby’s not satisfied that the elevator’s not there to let her exit quickly, so she starts off in the other direction, muttering, “It’s like a labyrinth in here …”. Luka, saying, “Hey …” grabs her by the arm, her momentum spinning her around to face him. Leaning towards her, he says calmingly, “Hey … hey” as he places his other hand on her other arm, then smiles a little exasperatedly, declaring sincerely, “I love you …” Awww. Abby takes in a breath at this as she looks at him and he continues, “… and you love me … Let’s make it forever … “ Oh, how sweet is he??? Still gazing at him, Abby looks like she’s about to say something, but then stops as he goes on “Let’s get married …” Abby keeps looking in his eyes with an expression that’s mostly uncertain yet also maybe just a little bit hopeful as we crash into funky opening graphic montage …

After commercial, we find Abby and Luka right where we left them, standing in front of the elevator, his hands on her upper arms as they look at each other. As the elevator gate starts to raise, Luka rubs his hands up and down her arms before releasing them and taking a step back from her. A bunch of hoopin’ and hollerin’ County employees, including nurses Dawn, Lily and Chuny, and Surgical Chief Resident Dustin Crenshaw, aka Moby for his un-haired head’s recognition to the singer, step off the elevator and walk through the space between Abby and Luka into the decked out catering hall. Everybody’s totally “ooh-ing” and “ahh-ing” over the place, even Moby, who thinks the “ER rocks!” and Timmy, the desk clerk who reminds me of Usher, thinks it looks like New Year’s in Mozambique. Abby’s looking down as they all file past her, before finally looking up at Luka, who raises his eyebrows at her like “Well?” She cocks her head and stares at him as the staff goes on with their inane chatter before Dawn asks Luka which way the bar is. Briefly taking his gaze from Abby, Luka points off down the hall saying “Uh, back there …” Abby and Luka stand the length of the elevator apart and continue to look at each other, Luka nervously tapping the fingers of his left hand against his leg, as the crowd moves off to go get their booze on. Luka bites on his lip as Abby still stares at him with that head-tilted scrutinizing look before finally smiling and turning her head away. She says, “Luka, look …I …”, but he’s seen an opening and has already started moving towards her, quickly jumping in to stop her before she can finish so that she stutteringly shuts up and he says, “Just give me ten minutes …” She looks at him with an adoring tolerant expression as he again asks for ten minutes. Looking at her in all seriousness, he asks her to let him show her what he’s done, and in a tone that says just how much he hopes to not disappoint her and to not be disappointed himself, “If you don’t like it, I’ll take you home … I promise …” He moves past her towards the hallway, while she continues to stand there, sighing and looking off, conflicted. Realizing that she hasn’t moved, Luka turns and looks at her, unsure. Abby, tapping her foot impatiently as she thinks, finally rolls her eyes at herself and turns to face him, as we get another long-shot of them, showing us that there is again a space between them. Luka, like he’s coaxing a reluctant child, moves his hands in a sweeping “come here” motion and says, “Come on …” She still stands there. He smiles at her hesitation, encouraging her with a head tilt, “One foot after the other …” God, he’s adorable … Abby does the not-quite-an-eyeroll, close your eyes and look away move, before licking her lips and turning back to him with a “I’m still not convinced here” look. Another camera long-shot shows us Abby with her head down a little and looking like a pouty kid while Luka holds his hands out in front of him, rocking his body back and forth with a “Yes? No? Maybe?” movement. Hee. Abby, still acting like my four year old, places one tentative foot towards him then slides the other up to meet it. Hee. Luka does the biting-the-lip grin as he watches her indulgently. They really are just so cute. She tilts her head again as she gives him an “I’m not completely giving in to your charm yet” almost grin and we hear Ray say in voiceover “It kind of looks like a Victoria’s Secret ad” … Hee … as we move to:

Ray and Lovebite walking down the hallway. Lovebite thinks it’s “so pretty” and she loves the way that “ER people do things”. And I’m so with you there, Lovebite. Especially if we’re talking about Luka doing the “do -- ing”. Just saying. Dubenko comes up and asks Ray if there’s something going on here that they don’t know about. And there’s a weird illustrated poster on the wall over Dubenko’s left shoulder that has what look like three hooded figures, one yellow, one blue and one red, standing atop a yellow hill, holding what seem to be star shaped balloons, with the words “Notre Nuit”, or “Our Night”, as the title, and also in a red text box as part of the picture. There’s some other writing on the hill, but I can’t make it out, and since the rest of it’s probably in French also, it doesn’t matter because I wouldn’t understand it anyway … But it is a strange poster and totally out of place with the rest of the décor, though with the “Our Night” thing, it probably has something to do with the wedding, I just have no idea what … Busy and Morris come rushing up. She throws a quick “hi” to everyone, then yells to someone off camera, “Not over there” then hurries along to give instructions to some waiters. Pratt, who’s come up behind Ray, grabs Morris, who’s carrying a digital camera and following Busy, by the arm and asks him what the deal is, what’s going on. Morris hesitates for like a nanosecond before all happily stating, “Well … tonight is the night”, and smiling like the cat who ate the canary. Ray wants to know what he’s talking about. Morris fills in the small crowd that’s gathered around them, “Abby and Luka … they’re getting married!” Dawn gasps and tells a totally shit-eating grinned Chuny, “You were right!” and Chuny’s all with the “I told you” and then proclaims loudly for those who missed Morris’ announcement, “Abby and Luka’s getting married!” With a surprised scowl, Pratt asks Morris, “Seriously?” and Larry the dorky Med Student who reminds me of Ross from Friends asks unnecessarily, “Dr. Kovac and Dr. Lockhart?” Well, duh, Ross … Just how many Lukas and Abbys are there at County? And how many of them are a couple? Or work in the ER? Moron … Everyone seems totally psyched by this news, Pratt even starts adjusting his tie, like he’s trying to make himself look even more presentable for the festivities. Busy comes flitting on through, waiters in tow. Dubenko comments, “Well … a surprise wedding … How novel …” Moby doesn’t think this sounds like “Lockhart’s style”. What is Moby even doing there? He’s definitely not “Lockhart’s style” either, considering she pretty much wanted to beat the crap out of him in Jigsaw, certain that she could take him, and even more sure that Luka could “kick his ass” … Hee … Usher asks if Abby even knows. Busy rushes up to Morris, bubbly explaining that “It’s going to be awesome” and saying that they’re just running a tad bit behind, as she lowers her voice, telling Morris that they’ve hit an “itty bitty snag”. Lovebite offers to help, but Busy thanks her and tells her no, as Morris jokes out loud, “Small case of cold feet”. Busy smacks him hard in the shoulder, causing him to jump back, as she says forcefully, “It’s a logistical issue … We will be sealing this deal within the hour”, then excuses herself and heads off, leaving everyone giggling because I’m sure they all know exactly what that “logistical issue” is.

Abby and Luka are alone in a total church-y looking room where to the left is what almost looks like a stage with a couple of full-length steps leading up to it. I’m half expecting to hear Gregorian chanting or maybe even those monks from Monty Python and the Holy Grail happening by … “Pie Jesu Domine … *bonk head with bible* … Dona Eis Requiem … *bonk head* …” Abby is pacing back and forth in front of Luka, who’s standing, but leaning against a table. Offering one hand up in acknowledgement and grinning a little, he tells her that he knows what she thinks, but Abby certainly doesn’t think so as she walks over towards a bench, scratching her forehead and snarkily replying, “Oh, really? That this is a paternalistic, controlling, manipulation …” then turning to face him, snipes “… that makes me question our entire relationship???” Uh oh. Luka, sounding a little offended that she would feel that way, throws his hand out in a broad sweeping gesture to show just how strongly he believes what he’s telling her and answers, “Maybe it’s a symbol of how much I love you …”. Abby, who had been staring at him kind of defiantly, is obviously affected by what he’s saying as she visibly softens more and more as he continues, “… How well I know you … How deeply we’re meant to be together …” Awww … She stares at him for a moment, before rolling her eyes and loudly exhaling the wind that is being let out of her sails, exasperatedly sighing “Jeez”, as she sits down on the bench, leans on her hands on her thighs, and turns away from him, because she knows he’s calling it like it is. Seizing on the moment, Luka heads over to her, unbuttoning his jacket as he moves, and reaching into his pocket … Uh, Luka, honey, maybe now isn’t the time to be “seizing” that kind of “moment” … But, call me … As he sits on the bench opposite and facing her, he pulls a small box from his pocket and asks her what kind of ring she thinks he got. Still thrown by all of this, Abby starts stammering as she’s trying to look away “I--I--I--I--I have no idea what kind of …” as Luka opens the box and holds it up to show her, causing her to stop absolutely dead in her tracks for a moment when she sees it, before trying to nonchalantly blow it off with a brisk “It’s not bad” and quickly getting up and moving away to stand in the center of the room. Hee. Luka, seeing that he’s getting to her, gets up to follow her as he goes on with what’s all been planned, “Okay, the music … I don’t want to ruin the surprise …” and emphatically insists that the evening will be free of his craptastic musical tastes, “… but there’ll be no Celine Dion, no Air Supply …” AIR SUPPLY??? Oh … my … God – it’s worse than I thought, Luka. That’s almost enough to make me be All Out of Love and so lost without you … Either marry the guy quickly, Abby, or at least do a complete music intervention and curtail his addiction to Easy Listening before he breaks into a Tony Orlando and Dawn medley or gets caught between the moon and New York City with Christopher Cross … Shudders … Luka adds, “… and no boy bands”. Oh, for Heaven’s sake, Luka. As if it weren’t already bad enough … I know that I can't take no more … It ain't no lie … I wanna see you out that door … Baby, bye, bye, bye ... Abby whips around to start pacing again and sarcastically asks him, “Really? Not even a bit of Menudo?” Ha!! What makes that even funnier is that Maura Tierney once got into a discussion with Jon Stewart about them when she was on the Daily Show at the end of Season 7 and she claimed that she knew “way too much about Menudo”. Hee … Luka ignores this and goes on to expound on the menu, “The food is international … You name the country, we got it!” Okay, Luka – how ‘bout Uzbekistan? Bet you don’t have any mutton pilaf … Or Borneo? Got any grilled python slices going on there? Didn’t think so … Abby’s still not giving in, and questions now, “Okay, so what am I going to wear … this?” Since we’ve already gone over the misfortunes of your outfit, Abby, I so hope not … Luka points at her like “Aha, thanks for reminding me” and heads to the back of the room where there is a white tented wardrobe-thingy. He reaches in to get what’s inside, telling her “You mentioned it one morning … I was half-asleep and you were flipping through a magazine …” He pulls out a long white dress, holding the hanger in his right hand and draping the train over his left, he heads towards her, finishing quietly, “… You thought I wasn’t paying any … attention …” He holds the hanger up to show her, turning it with a slight flourish and pulling his left hand away to let the gown fall down to full effect. Abby looks stunned as her eyes travel up and down the cap-sleeved, low-cut dress, sucking in a breath, slightly shaking her head in disbelief and drawing in her lower lip. Luka swallows a little in apprehension as he watches her reaction. Abby looks at the gown for another moment, before tilting her head to gaze at him with a look on her face of realization that he really does listen to her. Remembering that she’s supposed to be against all this, Abby sighs and quickly shakes her head, dismissing that the dress is not going to fit and turning away again. Still holding the dress up, Luka tells her that Busy sized it from some of her other things, which is so not what Abby wants to hear as she starts rolling her eyes, wagging her head back and forth and throwing her hands around as she bitches the name “Hope” over and over again, getting more dramatically sarcastic each time until Luka interjects that Busy’s cousin is a tailor and that he’s on standby if any adjustments are needed. Luka carefully lays the gown on a table, and moves towards Abby with hands spread apart, pausing because he’s not sure what to say next, before clapping his hands together and waiting. Abby, arms folded in front of her, tilts her head as she considers him for a moment before overly swinging her head back and then sitting down on the steps with an exaggerated sigh. She slaps her right hand against her leg as she regards him with a “you’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?” look before shaking her head with a sardonic grin and exclaiming, “Croatian Sensation pulls a rabbit out of the hat”. This must be the scene for references to her Daily Show appearance, because besides it’s being an absolute accurate appellation, it’s also what she called Goran Visnjic in that interview. Hee. Luka, standing with hands on hips, purses his lips for a second, then moving towards her, says earnestly as he kneels down in front of her “I just … wanted to make the wedding that I thought was going to make you happy …” Abby chuckles incredulously at this, saying “Luka …” He stops her, shaking his head and imploring her in a hushed tone, “No, no … Don’t say no … Not now … Not after everything …” Shaking her head at it all, Abby tells him, “It’s too weird …”, then with a negating shrug adds that it’s “too sudden”. Still not comfortable with all of this, in a “how can we possibly do it this way” voice and snapping her fingers for emphasis, Abby says to him, “You just want to just do it … on the spur of the moment like this?” Luka takes in what she’s saying and looks down for a moment before quietly starting, “If there was ever …”, then moves to sit beside her, “… anything that was not rushed into it’s …”, turning more towards her and continuing with more confidence as he enthusiastically smiles and cutely shrugs like it’s an indisputable fact, “… you and me promising to be together forever …” Awwwwww. He draws in a breath, gives the “just can’t argue with that” shrug again as he raises his eyebrows, grinning expectantly at her. Abby repeats the melodramatic head roll in the opposite direction as she looks away with a “what am I going to do?” sigh.

Ray and Pratt are at the bar. Ray picks up and downs what is so not his first shot of the night. Pratt, The Ladies Man, smooth operators to Ray that weddings are great opportunities for guys like them, because it weakens women’s defenses. Nice, Pratt. Weren’t you just trying to make time with Bettina, Radiology Woman, last ep and now you’re all on the prowl? And there’s another one of those strange cartoon-y posters on the wall behind them, too. Bizarre. Pratt wants to know if Ray ever thinks about settling down and Ray kind of blows it off with a “Sometimes … I guess …” Ray asks the same of Pratt, who laughs at the very notion that his loveliness would not be spread around to as many women as possible. A chuckling Ray looks up and spots a having-just-arrived Neela and McEgo laughing it up with Chuny and Dawn. His face changes to the picture of annoyance as he hears Rick Springfield in his head telling him that he wishes he had Uncle Jesse’s girl ... Pratt plays along with the charade, sees Ray watching them and asks the bartender to give his friend another.

Busy hurries through the room where the altar is bitching to Morris that the “energy” is sagging and he has to do something, so he hands her a glass of champagne. She downs it quickly, then places it on the tray of a passing waiter, never missing a beat as she immediately starts up to Morris again about how “the timing” and “the momentum” are crucial to an event like this. Morris tells her to calm down because everyone’s having a good time, but she’s having none of it as she grabs him forcefully by the lapels and shakes him, yelling “It is sagging, damn it!” He tries to get her to let him go, pointing out what’s she doing by saying repeatedly, “Lapel …” He gets her to calm a bit, and tries to soothe her by telling her that it’s easy. He heads over to the string quartet that’s been playing over in the corner and asks them if they have a playlist he could see … Cut to:

Morris and Busy, with the Sassy Strings standing behind them, singing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” into Morris’ upraised beer bottle. Hee. Elton starts with “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”, then Kiki Dee chimes in with “I couldn’t if I tried”, and they totally get their ‘70’s on as they keep going … Oh, honey if I get restless … Baby, you’re not that kind … The camera pans around to show the ER gang watching them. Chuny and Pratt are smirking, while McEgo’s got the eyebrows raised “WTF” look going. Morris and Busy are totally getting into it, even doing the bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp’s and ooh hoo’s into Morris’ camera that he’s holding outstretched so they can capture their America’s Got Talent audition on tape. Nobody knows it … Nobody kno-o-ows it …

Back to the barmy bickering brouhaha of the Balkanite’s budding but backwardly balking bonkers bride … Abby, now standing, claims that what Luka’s done is sweet, insisting, like she truly does think it, that it really is. Luka, still sitting on the steps and leaning his elbows on his knees, plays with his folded hands and chews his lips as he watches her thoughtfully. She goes on, right hand gripping a chair back as she makes outstretched arm gestures with her left, “… and … I love that you did it, but … this should be something that we plan together … so that we both want …” Luka opens his hands, asking her impatiently, “What else do you want? I’ll get it …” Abby looks at him, shaking her head slightly in a “you really just don’t get it, do you?” way, hits her fist lightly on the table beside her, a little frustrated, and says “Luka …”. She doesn’t continue, but instead picks her purse up off the table and heads towards the door. Sighing, he gets up to follow her. Luka starts, as Abby rolls her eyes at what he’s saying but doesn’t stop moving, “We could put this off forever. There’s always going to be some reason not to do it …” Camera switches to show Abby exiting through the church-y looking doors, with Luka right behind her trying to change her mind as we hear the Elton and Kiki wannabes still breaking each other hearts in the background. He tells her definitively, “We want it. We deserve it. So let’s stop stalling and dive into the ocean.” Not one to miss a chance to correct his American idiomatic expressions, Abby tosses over her shoulder as she keeps walking, “Jump into the pool”. Ooh-hoo … Nobody knows it … Now it’s Luka’s turn to be frustrated as he stops and simply declares to her, “It’s been seven years, Abby”. Still striding away, Abby turns her head slightly towards him as she counters, “I know how long it’s been …” Wait a minute … Are they both actually admitting that they’d been carrying a torch for each other for all those years??? Not that it wasn’t pretty obvious a lot of the time but still … Wow … That pretty much negates all the other relationships that they had in the interim from when they broke up in the beginning of Season 8 until they got back together not even midway through Season 12, huh? Wow … Nobody kno-o-ows … Abby rounds the corner, leaving Luka to stand there … Right from the start … He looks down, setting his mouth grimly, like he’s questioning whether he should have done it all this way and maybe springing it on her like this really wasn’t the best move … I gave you my heart … He still has his head down as we see Abby quickly come back around the corner and stop to face him. Hee. He looks up to see her and his eyes light up as a slow lopsided grin begins to spread across his face, mirroring the one that she starts to give him in return as they stand there and look at each other. O-o-o-oh, I gave you my heart … Awww. She walks to him and starts to say “I never …”, but he interrupts her, throwing his hands up and jumping in before she can protest again, “Hey look …”. She stops, grinning and looking lovingly at him as he settles his hands on her upper arms, smiling as he goes on, “… let’s just do this one thing … that’s fast … and easy … and right”. He reaches his hands up to cup both sides of her face as they look at each other and he says fervently, “Let’s get married … right here … right now …”, then moves his hands back down to her arms as he adds, “… tonight”. Still slightly grinning, Abby holds his gaze for a moment as he looks back at her, waiting. She glances over at what’s going on in the other room … Right from the start … Luka’s eyes follow where she’s looking and he grins at Morris’ and Busy’s lounge act … I gave you my heart … In a long shot past Morris and Busy, we see Abby and Luka watching them from down the hall … O-o-o-oh, I gave you my heart … Abby turns back to Luka, grinning and looking like she’s just about to give in … She looks down for a moment as we see a bespectacled woman walk into frame behind her, carrying a white-tuxed MoJo … Awww … Abby looks up at Luka and asks, “But what about Joe? We can’t get married without Joe”. A totally pleased and grinning Luka whispers to her, “My secret weapon”. Abby looks at him quizzically, and Luka glances over her shoulder, raising his eyebrows to indicate that she should look in that direction. She turns to see the smiling Specs and the miniature Good Humor Man looking back at her. Abby smiles all motherly proud and happy to see him, probably because after all this stress she could totally go for a Toasted Almond right now … Yum … Smiling broadly, Abby turns back to Luka saying, “Saved the best for last, huh?” Luka, evidently all proud of himself for pulling this off, closes his eyes, bites his lip and scrunches up his face with a “oh yeah, I’m the man” -- Oh, yes you so are, Luka ... Again, yum … -- shit-eating grin and head nod. He continues to look at her as she turns back to gaze at their son again, probably wondering why Specs thought putting black shoes on with a white tux was a good move …

Now, of course, we all knew that Abby was going to come back. No way she’d be walking out on The Pretty’s profusely pleasing phenomenally persuasive passionately perfect plans. She’s too old for the crazy that runs in her family to show up now and have her walk away from him … Bitch … It was obvious from the grin on Luka’s face when it was first dawning on her what was happening and she tried to make a quick exit that he knew exactly how she was going to react. In typical Abby fashion, she had to totally put up a fight, protest and try to back away before finally giving in to what she knew she should do. And it does all prove how well Luka really does know her. He’d clearly thought through everything, countered every argument she put up, and except for that slight bit of doubt that he seemed to have just before she came back that maybe he’d pushed her too far, his confidence in this being the right thing for them at the right time didn’t waver. To take the burden of doing everything for the wedding away from her because he knew how it was freaking her out – what a beautifully loving gesture. I wish my husband had done that for me for our wedding. Of course, if he had we would have ended up getting married during Happy Hour on half-priced Coronas night at TGI Friday’s … But just how much more wonderful can Luka possibly be? Sigh … You’d better appreciate him, Abby … Bitch …

Ray is standing alone in some brick-walled dimly lit warehouse-y type room that I at first thought was Luka’s Bat Cave until I remembered that it’s been MoJo-ized and is a much brighter, cheerier place these days. Ray is looking out a window at the Chicago skyline as Neela approaches and says in a voice that echoes off the walls, “This is pretty kooky, huh?” Ray doesn’t answer, so she explains “… them getting married like this …” as she moves to stand beside him. Ray then agrees that it’s “pretty kooky”. Well, considering the lack of light in the room you’re in, Ray, I’d say it’s also mysterious and spooky, and all together ooky .... He asks how things are going “down there” and Neela says that “they” are getting ready. Tired of the stilted small talk, Ray hands Neela a CD. I guess it’s the one he went locker spelunking in the cavernous ER for at the top of the show. She helpfully holds it up and we can see that the pic on the cover is of the two of them, holding up champagne glasses. The title above them in pink lettering says, “For Neela, Best Roomie Ever”, and then below them “Happy …” something or other, and there are little pink hearts down the left side. Oh, that would be so sweet … if it weren’t so freakin’ High School Musical. Jeez, Ray. You really need to stop watching Teen Nick to get your romantic inspiration. And you got the title all wrong, because if you truly wanted to relive puberty and go through all that teen angst, it’d needed to say “For Neela, Best Friends 4-Ever”, or even just “BFF”. He unnecessarily tells her “It’s for you”. Well, duh, Ray. I think she can read. Idiot. He says that he started doing a little bit of recording again, on his own and it’s got some songs that he’s been working on. Neela just nods, not sure whether to be touched, amused or nauseated by the gesture. I know which one I’d pick … Because Neela fancies herself a grown-up, she tries to tell him that it’s “great”, but really doesn’t sound very convincing. Ray says that there’s a song there about her, but she’ll have to figure that out for herself, and that there are some songs that they used to listen to when they were roommates. He goes back to looking out the window and Neela watches him for a moment before telling him that she’s sorry. Knowing exactly what she’s talking about but wanting her to say it anyway, Ray doesn’t look at her as he asks, “About what?” She excuses that she thought she was coming alone and that the Furball just showed up and since she didn’t have any traps or Rat-Be-Gone handy, she didn’t know what to do. Ray turns to lean his back against the window as he looks at her and replies, “No offense, but, uh, not knowing what to do has become your baseline”. He looks away from her as she considers him for a second and then pleads that this isn’t easy for her. Ray doesn’t say anything and Neela goes on that she’s had a pretty hard time ever since, then pauses, probably because she’s trying to remember his name and I’m so with her on that, because then I’m a little shocked when she comes up with, “… losing Michael”. Yes, I know … you are all just as surprised as I am because even though he had such a wooden acting style and was therefore christened “Plank” in the recaps, I’m pretty positive that “Michael” is not a type of tree. Magnolia, Maidenhair, Maleberry, Maple, Mimosa, Mountainash, Mulberry, Musclewood … Nope, no “Michael”. Sounding a little lost herself because she can’t see the forest for the trees, Neela starts to say “I still haven’t quite …”, but doesn’t finish. Ray sympathetically tells her, “Yeah, I know”. Neela tries to explain that the Roadkill was fresh meat, and there was no history, and he didn’t make her think about things from before. Like she’s talking out loud, Neela thinks that maybe she rushed into it because it made moving on easier. Ray watches her for a moment, before turning to face her completely and asking, “So … I feel like history to you?” Neela tells him honestly that because she didn’t have a chainsaw handy, she couldn’t separate him from “Michael”, and that she couldn’t be with him without feeling guilty. Ray nods, understanding, then takes her hand in his, caressing it as he asks, “What about now?” Neela’s not sure now whether all that matters anymore. They look at each other for a bit before Ray grins a little and asks, “Meaning?” Neela grins back at him, about to answer as we hear footsteps approach. They turn towards the sound of a relieved Busy, who’s been looking for them. She tells Neela that Abby needs to see her before the ceremony. Neela tells her “okay” and Busy heads off, checking off her list the successful completion of the task of ruining the moment. Neela and Ray stand there awkwardly for a second before an embarrassed Neela whispers that she has to go and walks away, leaving Ray to go back to city-gazing and to kick himself for having not given Neela a monthly Orkin pest control service rather than that cheesy CD …

Nicely manicured fingernails are tapping nervously along the side of a black velvet-lined jewelry box containing a lovely necklace of tiny freshwater pearls strung together in a lacy floral pattern that goes all the way around it. Camera pans up the box to the mirror behind it to show us the reflection an apprehensive Abby, who’s looking off. Considering how nice her nails look, I’m guessing the Salon really is full-service these days … Bitch … Shot moves from the mirror to Abby’s pensive profile. Abby’s wound so tightly that she literally jumps, startled at the sound of the door opening off to her left. She looks over as a smiling Neela comes in, cheerfully saying, “This is so nutty”, and quickly closing the door behind her. Abby replies rhetorically, “Tell me about it” and an evidently excited Neela talks about how this has gotten everyone so, well … excited. A white-robed but clearly nervous Abby, sitting at a vanity, tells Neela that she needs to ask her a question, then grins at her. Neela, thinking she needs the typical bride-type do-dads, jumps on it, asking if she needs the something borrowed or something blue, then rattles off that Chuny has a scarf that’s kind of aqua in color but it might do the trick. Abby asks her if she can sit down for a second. Neela looks at her quizzically and Abby grins again and says, “Sit down”. Neela sits in the chair across from Abby and looks expectantly at her. Abby smiles, then plays with her hair a little before looking down, not sure how to start. She keeps glancing up at Neela and away again, stammering a little as she tells her, “You know what … I … First of all, I know that this has been a really rough year for you …”. Looking down like she’s really does regret it, Abby distractedly moves the jewelry box as she continues apologetically, “… and I don’t think that I have been around as much … as I should … and I feel bad about that …”. Shaking her head to dismiss this notion and smiling, Neela tells her that she doesn’t have to. Abby looks at her and grins like she really appreciates Neela’s letting her off the hook. She looks down at her hands for a second, collecting her thoughts, before looking back at Neela, eyes a little teary as she tells her sincerely, “But you’ve always been a great friend to me … so …”, then hesitates, taking in a deep shaky breath. Neela looks at her encouragingly, waiting for her to continue. Abby, eyes widening a bit and looking like she’s a little afraid of the answer, breathes out, “… so …”, then stops again. Very ill-at-ease, Abby swallows before going on, switches between looking at Neela and looking away timidly, “I was wondering … i-if you didn’t mind too much …”. Finally holding Neela’s gaze with eyes that are hopeful yet still a little fearful, she asks, “… do you think you could … lead the way … and stand up there with me when we do this?” Neela, obviously touched, clarifies, “Do you mean, uh, like be your Maid of Honor?” Abby, looking a little relieved, shrugs as she replies lightly, “Well … I hate to put … that kind of conventional … term on it”, then smiles as she answers, “… but yes”. Neela, her own eyes a little shiny, smiles at Abby, and says, “I’d be honored”. Abby, moved as well, grins as she nods and thanks Neela. That over with, Abby sniffs and wipes at her nose a little before giving Neela her first duty, pushing the pearls towards her and saying like she really doesn’t have an idea how to do it, “Okay, well your first job is to figure out how I put these in my hair.“ Neela’s all “huh?” as she asks, “Hair?”, probably because she knows that it really is all about the hair and being well aware of Abby’s Hairdressing alter ego, she’s so not buying the ignorant routine … Bitch … Keeping up the innocent-of-all-hair-related-chores charade and throwing her hands up like “don’t ask me”, Abby explains, “It’s a Croatian thing …” Hee. Abby says as she clasps her hands together like she’s praying, “… they belonged to Luka’s mother”. Oh, that’s really sweet. Neela takes the pearls and moves to stand behind Abby, so that they’re both facing the mirror. As she lifts the pearls towards Abby’s hair, both seem to be getting emotional, Abby sniffing and wiping at her nose while Neela draws in and lets out a shuddering breath, saying “Okay”. As they’re both trying to keep a lid on it, Abby kiddingly chastises her not to get going with the crying stuff, “Okay, stop it … Don’t start now …” and they chuckle. Neela takes another deep breath, blows out, “Oh God” and Abby whispers in answer, “I know”. Abby sighs heavily as Neela starts to place the pearls around her crown.

Awww, what a really lovely scene. I totally love their friendship. Even though Abby’s right, and they haven’t had a lot of interaction with each other this year, their friendship is always apparent in all the scenes they do have together. And I think you can probably cut yourself a little slack for not being around, Abby, considering you’ve got a lot on your plate, what with juggling motherhood, your medical residency and a full-time, in-home, full-service Salon and Day Spa … Bitch …

We see Luka’s reflection in a full-length mirror as he’s putting on his cufflinks … Let’s all just admire the view for a moment, shall we? … Sigh … Yum … There’s a knock on the door and Luka says, “Come in”. The big wooden doors behind Luka slowly start to slide open to reveal a Cheshire Cat-grinning Pratt. Pratt’s all with the “heh heh” total guy ball-busting type chuckling as he comes in and closes the door behind him, kidding Luka, “There he is … dead man walking …” A smiling Luka replies, “Ha ha, very funny” as he adjusts his tie and crosses to the other side of the room and Pratt continues giggling. Pratt keeps jesting, “Wait, you’re not getting cold feet are you?” as he checks his watch and tells Luka that he can find a back way out of there and have him at a Gentleman’s Club across town in under twenty minutes. As he puts on his now white calla lily boutonnière-ed jacket, Luka lightly scolds him, “Pratt …” Still laughing, Pratt says that he’s just teasing him. Pratt says that Busy told him that Luka wanted to talk to him and that it was important. Luka buttons his jacket and steps closer to Pratt, saying, “We’ve had our moments, Pratt …”. Pratt reaches up and pulls some fuzz or something off Luka’s lapel. Watch it, Pratt. I’m Luka’s official lint brush … And I’m more than ready to roll all over every lovely inch of you whenever you are in need of dust-busting, Luka … Just saying … And you’re just lucky you’re you and you’re Mr. Smooth Operator, Ladies Man, or else I’d be so over you about terminating the touching, Pratt … Luka tells him, “And, uh, I haven’t always, uh, liked the things you’ve done or the way you’ve done them … But, I’ve always respected your reasons”. Pratt, looking and sounding puzzled, thanks him. Luka goes on that he’s had to supervise Pratt, which wasn’t always easy for either of them, but that he thinks, “… we’ve managed to reach a place where at the end of the day … we’re also friends”. Pratt responds that he feels the same way. He looks at Luka expectantly. Luka hesitates, chews on his lips, swallows, then looks at Pratt earnestly and asks, “Would you stand up for me?” Awww. Pratt’s taken aback, looking really surprised as he says, “Wait, you mean like …” Luka reaches into his pocket … Okay, I know that you’ve got to have just as difficult a time keeping your hands off you as I would, Luka, but seriously, this is not the time either … But I am waiting by the phone … Just saying … Luka pulls out the ring box and holds it up, asking Pratt, “Be my Best Man?” Pratt, apparently as honored as Neela was at being asked, nods and says definitively, “Any time, any place”. Luka’s totally pleased and they smile at each other as they shake hands, with Pratt taking Luka’s right hand in both of his. Luka, a little emotional himself, holds the box out to him, smiling and whispering like he doesn’t quite trust his voice right now, “Don’t lose that”. Pratt laughs as he takes it from him. The doors open behind them and Morris comes rushing in saying to Luka that it’s “Go time, my brother … You ready?” Luka nods, looking slightly nervous. Morris heads out as Pratt says to Luka, “Let’s do it” and they move through the doors, Luka patting Pratt on the back as they go.

Another nice scene, and another friendship that I really like. Luka totally summed up his relationship with Pratt very well. Pratt’s really grown to become a character with some depth, and his interactions with Luka, especially over the past two seasons, have really contributed to this growth, and they have developed a good and very believable bond. It seems fitting that Luka would want Pratt to stand up with him.

We view Pratt and Luka through Morris’ video camera as they exit into the hallway and we can hear the string quartet playing. The date stamp tells us that it is “05/03/07”. Morris tells Luka that his tie is crooked and we see his hand reach up to Luka’s neck to fix it. Luka tells him, “I’m fine, Morris”, but Morris keeps adjusting it until Luka beats me to it and says in more annoyed tone, “Morris … Morris, leave me alone …” Luka’s had enough of Morris and swats the camera away out of his face, demanding, “Stop pointing that thing at me”. Hee … Morris is all apologetic, muttering, “I’m just emotional … I’m emotional …” Busy comes up to Luka and tells him that everything is good and under control. As she places a white calla lily boutonnière that matches Luka’s in Pratt’s lapel, she says, “There’s just been one minor change …”. Morris is filming again as Luka questions Busy, “Change?” Morris starts fiddling with Luka’s tie again and Luka looks over at him sharply, causing Morris to drop it and hightail it out of there. Luka tries to suppress a grin as he watches Morris hurry away. Hee. Busy explains to Luka that the Justice of the Peace couldn’t make it so he sent a replacement. Luka looks over at her, “Someone else is doing the ceremony???” All with the “it’s-really-not-a-big-deal… really” little too enthusiastic tone, Busy assures him “He’s very experienced …” Now it’s Busy’s turn to be all over Luka’s tie as she goes on that “It’ll be lovely …” Again with the touching. How many times do I have to say it -- Hands off The Handsome, people! When they finally meet with her stamp of approval, she tells Luka and Pratt cheerfully, “Okay … Go … Go, go, go!” Luka takes a deep breath and looks around as camera flashes go off in his face and he and Pratt head into the room, leaving Busy to watch them with a huge smile.

As Luka and Pratt step onto the runner on the middle aisle, I’m finally able to make out the tune that the formerly Sassy Strings of Silly Seventies’ Songs, but now because the ceremony’s about to start are more the Supremely Sublime Strings of Splendidly Sweet Situations, is playing – “At Last” … Hee … How absolutely appropriate … Of course, this is an instrumental version, but in my head, I’m hearing the incomparable Etta James singing … Wonderful song, and so fitting after these “seven years” … Luka and Pratt pause at the back of the aisle for a moment, Luka rubbing his hands together in anticipation and grinning while we can practically see every tooth in Pratt’s head with the wide smile that he’s wearing. They walk up the aisle, past the now filled-to-capacity room. They make their way to the “altar” to find a yarmulke-sporting, tallit-wearing rabbi waiting for them. Hee. Hey, it’s George Wyner – this guy’s been in absolutely everything, but I remember him best as Colonel Sandurz from Spaceballs … Hee … Colonel Sandurz grins and nods at them as they step up to stand next to him. Pratt stares at him with a WTF scowl as Luka just keeps looking the rabbi up and down, like he’s trying convince himself he’s actually seeing what he’s seeing. Colonel Sandurz is looking off down the aisle, so he’s totally oblivious to their scrutiny. Luka turns around to look at Pratt with a hilarious “Is this for real?” expression, to which Pratt gives him a “Hey, don’t look at me, man” face back, and they both turn back to look at the Colonel. Hee. Luka starts to rock back and forth on his heels as he continues to regard the rabbi.

Neela comes out from behind the velvet drapes at the back of the “church” and mouths to Busy that Abby’s ready. Busy’s all aflutter as she follows Neela back to where Abby is.

Abby, in her gown, is standing stock-still in the middle of a multi-floral arrangement-ed, candles everywhere hallway, looking petrified. Her hair is now up in a chignon with the pearls arranged around her crown and she’s got a taupe-colored shawl wrapped around her lower back, with its ends draped over her arms. Angelic Curls with her little flower girl basket and some woman carrying a couple of bouquets are walking up the hall towards her as Neela and then Busy come through the curtains, doing that excited gasping thing again. Busy asks Abby if she’s ready and in a totally panicked voice Abby answers, “No”. Neela encouragingly tells her that she’ll be fine as Busy takes the bouquet of white roses from Some Woman. She tries to hand them to Abby who tells her, “I don’t want that”. Busy scolds her, “Abby, do you want to make Sophie cry again”. Frustrated, Abby raises closed eyes and tilts her head back before turning to Angelic Curls and telling her in an exasperated tone, “Sophie, I’m sorry, but I’m really not ready …” Since Angelic Curls is most likely not allowed to stay up that late and has therefore never seen this show before, she incredibly asks Abby, “Why do you have to be such a whiner?” Hee. Because Abby’s emotional state has reduced her to the mentality of a first-grader, she brats back, “Why do you have to be such a crybaby?” Hee … Next they’re going to go all pissy playground on each other and start a slap fight complete with name-calling, hair-pulling and “I’m telling!!” action … Busy tries to take control of the situation and leads Angelic Curls toward the “church”, as Angelic Curls glares at Abby who’s staring back at her. Hee.

As “At Last” continues, a now smiling Angelic Curls starts to head down the aisle, dropping red rose petals as she goes. She’s followed by Neela, who’s carrying a bouquet of different colored roses. Cameras go off as they make their way down the aisle. Luka raises his eyebrows and grins at them, as he still rocks nervously on his heels. Neela steps up onto the “altar”, smiling at Luka as she turns to face him. Luka, all anticipatively playing with his lips, glances over at her and gives her another slight eyebrow raise and grin, before looking down again. The music ends and a general murmur starts up among the congregation. Luka and Pratt both look down the aisle. Shot changes to the altar-cam behind Luka, Pratt, Neela and the Colonel, showing us the whole “church”. Everyone’s turned to look towards the back. There’s an awkward silence and a lot of fidgeting and whispering going on because nothing’s happening. The Sublime Strings start up again, this time playing “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. Hey!!! That was my wedding song! And I had a string quartet at my ceremony, too! Does this mean that I’m married to Luka??? Works for me … Especially seeing as Abby’s taking her own sweet time even making it to the aisle. Who in their right mind would be hesitating when they have THAT waiting at the other end for them??? … Crazy bitch … I’d have sprinted up that aisle hours ago and have long since consummated this marriage … a few times … for good measure … Just saying … Luka’s still looking down the aisle, waiting patiently … Bitch … Everyone strains to see as we hear hushed voices arguing from the back, “Go!”, “No!” “Go, go, go, go!”, “Just …”, as Abby comes stumbling out from behind the drapes, obviously having been given a shove from Busy. Hee. The crowd starts chuckling as Abby comes floundering in, turning around to shoot a look back at Busy. Luka looks down again, suppressing a grin, as we see Abby in the back, trying to readjust her wrap and compose herself. She plays with her hair a little then heads to the center aisle. Everyone starts to stand up as she moves towards the runner. In her right hand, she’s holding her bouquet by the end of the stems so that it hangs down towards the floor. She stands in the center, looking a bit disconcerted by all the people that are there, looking at her. She brings the flowers up to hold them properly, then glances over towards Busy, who’s playing with her hands and smiling reassuringly at Abby. Abby turns to face front, visibly braces herself to do this, and looks up the aisle towards Luka, who’s looking back at her, giving her a slight smile. Abby grins a little nervously, sets her mouth in this “okay, here we go” type way, and starts to head up the aisle, glancing around at all the people there. Everyone gathered is smiling at her as she passes by them, some taking pictures with their cell phones. Morris is at the front, filming her and we hear cameras snapping away. Abby really does look beautiful. That simple cap-sleeved, low-cut gown with gathers across the ribcage is very flattering on her. It looks like she now has on those really nice teardrop diamond stud earrings she’s been wearing a lot this season. Good on the “Croatian thing”, too, because the pearls look very nice arranged in her hair like that, and the matching choker just completes it all perfectly. Luka doesn’t stop watching her as she approaches and she holds his gaze and smiles at him as she walks. As Abby passes her, the camera stays on Sam for a moment, to catch her slightly wistful expression, like she’s recognizing that if she hadn’t given in to early-onset dementia and dumped The Delicious, that could be her right now; but at the same time, in her look there’s also the acknowledgement and acceptance that this is the way that it was meant to be …

Abby makes it to the altar, stepping up and handing her bouquet to Neela. As she turns to face Luka, who’s been watching her and grinning the whole time, she notices the Colonel, doing a double-take as she realizes what he is. Hee. She looks at Luka, inclining her head towards the Colonel like “What’s all this then?” I guess she’s wondering if the Croatian Sensation pulled the rabbi out of the same hat as the rabbit … Luka gives her the “Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with that either” face twist as the music ends. Everyone takes their seats as Luka and Abby stand facing each other with the matching bridal couple holding-my-hands-in-front-of-me nervous postures and grins. Colonel Sandurz welcomes everyone, then taking papers from his breast pocket, says “I understand from my notes that Luka and Abigail …”, and Abby corrects him, interjecting, “Uh, it’s Abby”. Colonel Sandurz picks up right where he left off, “… have no patience for the normal rituals … Which I find a little meshuggah …”. Everyone chuckles and Abby glances over at the Colonel, before looking back at Luka, grinning and shaking her head slightly as Luka bites his lip with a grin and shuffles back and forth and the Colonel says, “… but, hey … if that’s how you want it … We’ll get right to it …”. As Luka keeps licking his lips in anticipation, the Colonel consults his book and starts to read, “Today, you become a man …” which causes Luka to look over at him with a “Say what?” expression and the congregation chuckles a bit. As the Colonel apologizes and says that he had a bar mitzvah this morning, Abby turns to look at Neela and the two of them start giggling. The Colonel says that he’s “such a schnook” as Abby turns back around to face Luka again. Colonel Sandurz finally finds the right ceremony and as Abby and Luka keep grinning at each other, reads, “Marriage … is an important step … a great responsibility …” Abby give him a sideways “let’s get on with it” look as waves his hand in a “keep it moving” way and skips ahead to the “… coming together of souls … Yada yada …yada yada …” The Colonel closes the book and asks them pleasantly, “Any readings?” Abby gives Luka a “Well, are there?” look as Luka, a little caught off guard, smiles and stutters a bit as he tells them that there are no readings. The Colonel’s all disappointed because he thinks readings are a nice touch and “classy”. Nice, Colonel. He just told you that they don’t have any, so what’s with the laying on the guilt trip and making them feel bad about it? And since when is a preening panoplied primped-up prettified pimp palace not the epitome of “classy”? … Neela, clearly taking her Maid of Honor role very seriously, saves the beleaguered bride/bridegroom from continuing awkwardness by piping up that she has one. A surprised Abby turns and asks “You do?” and Neela says that it’s a Punjabi tradition. Neela moves to stand between Abby and Luka and begins reciting something that sounds really pretty, even if I can’t understand a word of it. When she finishes, Luka grins and Abby tells her that it was beautiful, then asks what it is. Neela explains that it’s about love, faith and devotion as the camera switches to Ray, watching her. Neela tells Abby that it’s “kind of a blessing”. Everybody smiles and Neela moves back to her place beside Abby. Colonel makes with the “Alrighty … next thing …” then asks the assembly, “Any jilted ex-lovers out there want to say something about why these two shouldn’t be married?” Luka just looks over at him pointedly as Abby leans towards the Colonel with a “don’t even go there” grin and says through gritted teeth, “Okay, moving on …” Hee. Don’t know why you’re so alarmed, Abby, considering Sam’s crazy Croatian curb-kicking has already been established, plus the fact that Carter dumped you by carelessly callous Congo communiqué, so unless Jake’s done leaving his heart in San Francisco or Dubenko needs another round with the Satisfaction Facilitator and you’re afraid he’ll proposition you again to get it, I really don’t think you have anything to worry about … The Colonel gets the hint and moves on to ask for vows. Abby turns to him again and says, “No vows”. She starts to ask, “Can you just skip ahead to the ‘I now pronounce you’ thing”, as Luka holds up his right index finger and says, “Uh …” to interrupt. She looks over at him and he asks, “No vows?” Abby’s totally taken aback, questioning him, “You have vows?”

Luka steps closer to her and takes both of her hands in his. He looks down at their joined hands, draws in, then lets out a breath, and in the now completely silent room, addresses her in a quiet but ardent voice, “Be my wife … I offer myself, with all my faults and strengths … We’ll help each other when we need help, and work together to raise our son …” Holding his gaze, eyes bright as she blinks back tears, Abby smiles at him and he looks at her with true devotion as he goes on, heartfelt, “I choose you as the person I will love and honor, for the rest of my days”. Wow … Abby just looks at him for a long moment, visibly moved by his words and the beautiful sentiment behind them. Not breaking their look, she shakes her head slightly, like she can’t quite believe all he just said to her. Prompting that it’s her turn to speak, The Colonel murmurs, “Abigail?” Abby takes a deep breath and glances over at him, before leaning in towards Luka and saying in a low voice, “Well, it’s not really fair because you got to practice”, causing Luka to grin. The Colonel asks again, “Abigail?” as Abby turns around to whisperingly complain to Neela, “It’s not fair because he got to practice”. Colonel Sandurz is once again with the nudging, “Abigail?” and Abby whips around, giving him an impatient, “It’s Abby!” Hee. Abby turns back to Luka, chewing on her lips as she tries to think of what to say. Luka watches her, waiting. Abby looks down for a moment and gives an uncomfortable little laugh, before saying “Okay” in an “I can do this” tone and looking up at Luka. She nervously starts, “Uh, okay … um …”, glances down again before looking back up into his eyes and declaring with such profoundly intense feeling, “First of all … first of all, I love you …”. Oh, wow … Looking at him unwaveringly now, Abby grins, then continues with certainty and even more deeply felt emotion, almost whispering, “… I do …”. Wow … She tells him in a voice full of genuine gratitude and fondness, “… and you’ve helped me … through a lot … And we got here, together … with a beautiful little boy …”. Luka stares at her, unblinking, obviously affected by what she’s saying. Abby tilts her head a little as she looks at him, then alternately looking up at him and down again, a little unsure, tripping over her words as she tells him, “And I … I was thinking of a po-- … a poem before, actually … Before when I was getting ready …” She looks up at him and smiles, like he’s giving her the confidence to go on, so she keeps going, “And I think … I think it starts … I carry your heart, in my heart * …”, as Luka looks at her, his own eyes full of emotion, “I am never without it …”. Still smiling and gazing at him with absolute unadulterated affection, Abby continues, “Anywhere I go, you go …”. Her eyes dart around a little as she tries to recall how the rest of it goes, then she looks down as she laughs and says, “I’m probably messing the whole thing up, but …”, and Luka smiles at her lovingly, never stopping watching her. She looks up and away, remembering the last part, and says, “… I think the end … goes …”, as she looks back at him, “And this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart … I carry your heart … I carry it in my heart … “. Eyes filled with warmth, love and like hers, shining a bit from unshed tears, Luka smiles at her. Smiling brightly once more at him, Abby lifts her shoulders in a shrug as she tells him, “So … I guess what I’m saying is … Let’s just try to love each other and uh, … persevere …”, as Luka gazes at her with unutterable tenderness. Just lovely …

Colonel Sandurz breaks the bewitching spell that’s been cast over everyone by this beautiful moment, quipping, “Jeez … for two people who want to cut to the chase … You sure know how to go on …” Hee … The entire group, who had been engrossed to the point of silence during the exchange of vows, laughs out loud at this. The Colonel asks for the rings and Luka and Abby turn to Pratt and Neela, respectively, and take them. Abby holds out her left hand and Luka slides the ring on her finger, stroking her hand with his when he’s done. She smiles at him, then places his ring on his finger. She holds his hand as she looks up at him and they share a smile. The Colonel leans down to place something on the floor and Abby and Luka let go of their hands. Luka looks over at The Colonel, who says, “Humor me”. Hee. Abby chuckles and Luka does an adorable eyebrows-raised “well, okay, if you insist” head wag before giving Abby a huge smile. The Colonel announces, “By the power invested in me by Cook County …”, as Luka holds his clasped hands out in front of him in a gesture of eager expectation, “… and the State of Illinois, I hereby pronounce you, husband and wife …”. Abby and Luka grin at each other as the Colonel orders Luka to “step on the glass and kiss that girl” and the crowd chuckles. A smiling Luka self-consciously moves his hand up like he’s going to tug on his ear, then raises his right foot and brings it down on the cloth covered glass, shattering it. The Colonel proclaims, “Mazel tov!” as Abby and Luka smile broadly at one another, laughing. They move closer to each other, Luka taking her face in both of his hands, leaning in to kiss her. Everyone stands, clapping and cheering, and the now Saucy Strings strike up a rousing rendition of Hava Nagila. Abby drops both of her arms, melting into the kiss, before finally raising them to encircle his waist as he keeps on kissing her. Abby and Luka are lost in each other for the moment, totally oblivious to what’s going on around them. Bulbs flash, the applause and well-wishing goes on, with even MoJo getting in on the act, raising his arm is an almost saluting-like wave to his parents. Awww. Seemingly still not willing to break apart yet, Luka continues to kiss her, slightly swaying back and forth …

Wonderfully done.

Instrumental jazz music that has that sort “Take the A Train” swing to it is playing as the guests are heapin’ on the helpin’s from the nice spread on the buffet table. Not seeing any cream of roast yak there, Luka, so I’m guessing Kyrgyzstan’s out too … But there is a tray full of asparagus, and a carving station where a waiter type is slicing up the ham and turkey and serving it to The Colonel. Is that kosher, Colonel? You know, Luka, this caterer’s not very exciting. If you’re interested, I know some caterers who do some very creative stuff – like this guy who does an elaborate salad tossing routine to the theme from Rocky … We hear Morris calling for everyone’s attention and asking them to “please shut up”. Nice, Morris. Just ruin the whole “classy” atmosphere, why don’t you? Of course, you with a microphone is pretty much the antithesis of “classy” … unless you remove the “c” and the “l” … Morris announces that he’s been asked to kick off the “party portion” of the night’s festivities. Oh, Luka. You voluntarily gave him the microphone? Yikes … Because they’ve apparently been drinking for hours and have no brain cells left, everyone cheers at this bit of information. Luka and Abby are sitting at their two-person ringside round table, where her bouquet, some lit candles, his glass of champagne and her some-kind-of-non-alcoholic-beverage-with-a-lemon-twist are in front of them. Luka even lets out a “woo hoo!” at Morris’ proclamation, as Abby tolerantly grins, probably because by now she’s used to Luka’s craptastic idea of entertainment and realizes that Morris with a mike fits right in … Guess it’s a good thing that Luka’s got plenty of other things going for him, eh, Abby? … Bitch … Though I guess now that you’re married, that should be “Mrs. Bitch” … Bitch … Morris starts off by saying that “this is truly a marriage made at County …” and we hear some “Awwww” ‘s, then Morris continues, “Because if we worked at Northwestern or Rush, there’d be better food and a lot more booze” … Everyone laughs, though there was no obligatory obnoxious rolling rimshot ba dum bum to signal that you were supposed to, so I didn’t … Morris, not having had enough of the Vegas nightlife with his Kiki-filled lounge act earlier, now has to go all schlocky Shecky second-rate stand-up on us …Ugh … He points to Dubenko and is conspiratorially, “The top shelf stuff, right, Lucien?” Dubenko throws his arms out with a “Huh? Don’t look at me” gesture. Then Morris gives him a “Relax, big guy”. And everyone keeps laughing, even Abby, though hers is more of the “WTF is up with this” variety, because really, Morris is so not funny. I think he needs a heckler. Since no one there seems willing to do it, I’m offering my services. Will a “You freakin’ suck!!!” suffice? Busy has the video camera on him and is capturing Morris’ routine for posterity for God’s knows why. Morris, getting hyped up by the crowd, who are probably just hopped up on the booze to be laughing at this shit, goes on “I’m not saying that Kovac is cheap … but he did try to get Murray the Roach Coach guy to cater this thing” … Abby’s just sort of looking at Morris with a “seriously, just get off the stage” grin as a smiling Luka rolls his eyes and wags his head in a “ha ha, very funny, Morris” patronizing way before looking over at her. Morris says “Anyway …”, which hopefully is meant to signal the end of his comedic crapfest. And it is, as he goes on that “…the kids have rested up and are ready for their first dance … So I give you … Abby Lockhart, Luka Kovac … married couple.” Cue applause. Luka stands up, takes Abby’s hand and leads her to the dance floor as the opening bars of Stevie Wonder’s “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” starts to play. I KNEW IT!!! Oh my God, I so called that this would be their wedding song back in Scoop and Run when Abby told Luka that it was essential that Joe listen to everything Stevie Wonder ever recorded in the ‘70’s … And my friend Tish had the audacity to challenge my powerful precognitive psychic proficiency pertaining to The Pretty and bet me on it … Dumbass …I mean, yes, “For Once in My Life” is a great song, Tish, and, yes, it is fitting for them, too, but you really can’t dance to it. But see, you’ve learned a lesson from this, Tish, because seriously … Poorer but wiser, which is more important? … I’ll be expecting your check …

Lightbulbs flash. Morris takes the video camera from Busy and records as a smiling Abby moves in towards Luka, he takes her into his arms and they start to sway to the music. So Luka DO dance after all … Abby seems to be whispering something to him, too, and I can just imagine what it is because he gets a huge smile on his face … Bitch … Camera shows everyone happily watching the happy couple, Busy, with her hands on Morris’ shoulders, even singing along … You are the sunshine of my life … Through the Morris cam, we see Luka even getting all fancy with the dancing, releasing Abby’s left hand so that he can push her out and twirl her, then holding her again so that he can dip her. Abby tosses her head back and drops her arm as he does, totally hamming it up. Hee. The two of them are just grinning from ear to ear – obviously enjoying themselves – and it’s so cute … That’s why I’ll always be around …

Neela watches the dance for a moment, before looking over towards the bar, where Ray is sitting. He’s looking at Abby and Luka so doesn’t notice her noticing him.

You are the apple of my eye … Abby and Luka are still all smiles while they dance. She pulls her back a little to look at him as he starts to say something to her, though we’re not privy to their private murmurings. He tilts his head as he speaks to her, giving her a huge grin, and she bursts out laughing. They are really just absolutely adorable … Forever you’ll stay in my heart …

Busy sidles over to sit next to Neela. Busy complements her on how beautiful her reading was and how it “added an ethnic spice to the ceremony” … I feel like this is the beginning … Neela tries to pass it off as just trying to do her part. Busy then asks her what it meant … Though I’ve loved you for a million years … Neela, looking a bit ill-at-ease, replies that she wasn’t really prepared, but Busy tells her not to be so modest and assures her that she’s was great, as Abby and Luka move past the camera and Busy looks over at them with an “Awwwww” face … And if I thought our love was ending … Neela, watches them dance … I’d find myself drowning in my own tears … She then leans over and hesitatingly tells Busy that it meant, “Uh … I went to the market to buy some meat … But the butcher wasn’t there … so I … got … fish instead”, then takes a sip of her champagne as Busy’s face hilariously drops at this revelation and she just stares at her. Hee. … You are the sunshine of my life … Neela gives an uncomfortable laugh as she says that it was the only Punjabi she could “come up with in a pinch”. … That’s why I’ll always stay around … Still wide-eyed, open-mouthed staring at her, Busy replies, “Okay … let’s just … keep that between ourselves” then heads off. Hee …

… You are the apple of my eye … Neela watches as Ray gets up from the bar and walks away … Love has joined us … She throws one last look at Abby and Luka before getting up to follow him … Forever you’ll stay in my heart …

… You must have known that I was lonely … Abby and Luka, still grinning, are just gazing at each other happily as they move to the music. Looking at him adoringly, Abby knowingly questions, “Stevie Wonder, huh?” Luka’s smile gets even bigger as he gives her a quick eyebrow raise and affirms assuredly, “I told you … I hear everything you say …” Awwww … Abby moves in even closer to him and he rests his cheek against her head as they continue to sway … Again, awwww …

McEgo is on what looks like an outdoor balcony where some tables with umbrellas are set up, talking on his cell phone. He’s telling someone in that condescending tone one uses with a preschooler, “… just try to go to sleep and if you need me, or you just want to talk to me, you call me, okay?” … Because you came to my rescue … Neela, arms crossed in front of her, comes walking through the French doors that lead out onto this patio … And I know that this must be heaven … She watches him as he finishes up his call, saying “I love you, too”, so I guess he must be leaving himself a voice mail … How could so much love be inside of you?... He drops the phone like he’s disappointed he didn’t get to talk to himself as Neela tells him that he’s missing the first dance. He blows this off, telling her that “Sarah” or as I refer to her “Deej” because she reminds me of one of Uncle Jesse’s Full House Tanner girls, the daughter of his ex-live-in, ex-living fuck buddy Meg, called and that she’s having a “rough night” … You are the sunshine of my life … Neela walks a little closer to him, asking if Deej is alright … That’s why I’ll always stay around … McEgo thinks Deej is a tough kid, mostly, and that sometimes she’s just a kid. Neela asks him if he’s alright. See Neela, giving him attention is exactly why you can’t get rid of him – once you feed a stray, or in this case, an ego, it’s almost impossible to keep them from sniffing around you … You are the apple of my eye … McEgo tells her that he’s happy for Abby and Luka, and that this is good and it’s a “beautiful night” and turns to face her. McEgo’s got some sort of weird bruise-like discoloration on his right cheek. Guess when you’re not used to shaving, your skin’s bound to be a bit sensitive, eh, McEgo? Though unless you’re a Yeti, which is entirely possible, I can’t really figure out why you’d shave your cheek … She must be giving him the SPCA sympathy scowl because he shrugs and unconvincingly tells her that he’s fine and she gives him the “c’mon now” type pronunciation of his name, “Tony”, in return … Forever you’ll stay in my heart … He starts going off about how sometimes he thinks he’s handling it fine … You are the sunshine of my life … and other times he gets so angry at “her” and wants to know how she can “leave a beautiful kid like this”, and bangs on a chair in frustration over how pissed he is at Meg, or as I called her, “Trixie”, because that was the role Paula Malcomson who played her had on Deadwood, for having killed herself. … That’s why I’ll always stay around … McEgo just can’t understand how she could have done it, how she could have played with their minds like that. Neela, trying to look empathetic but really just looking like she’s impassively watching an animal at the zoo, which I guess is close enough, tells him that “it’s okay”, but he doesn’t think it is … You are the apple of my eye … Closing her eyes, Neela repeats slowly, “It’s o-kay … to be angry”. He’s not so sure because she’s dead. Neela tells him matter-of-factly that she’s angry at “Michael” … Forever you’ll stay in my heart … She says that she still is, probably because she just hasn’t been able to get any good syrup since he was chopped down … She doesn’t think that she’ll ever get over it. Now it’s McEgo’s turn to try to look compassionate, but despite repeated warnings from me he just won’t do anything about the roughage in his diet and once more just looks constipated, as he touches her face and tells her that “I haven’t been a good friend …”, making it all about him yet again. Shocking. McSelfish. Neela looks down, like she so does not want him to be touching her right now. He tells her that he screwed up and he wants to make it right, make it better, as, of course, Ray just happens to walk by the French doors at this precise moment to spot the McFaceStroking. Ray can’t believe what he’s seeing, and just shakes his head bitterly, before walking away, because he feels so dirty when they start talking cute, he wants to tell her that he loves her but the point is probably moot … McEgo asks Neela if he can have another chance. Neela pushes his hand away from her face as she says his name, then tells him that she doesn’t think that this is the time or place for this, but it seems perfect to him. Once again not immediately ridding her life of vermin, Neela moves past him to head back inside, saying that maybe they should talk about this some other time. She suggests that they can go for coffee or something. McEgo’s McShocked, because he knows that people get back together over dinner, but they break up over coffee. Neela, hearing the frolicking of the partygoers, ignores this and tells him that she needs to get back inside, leaving him to sigh heavily and wonder how he’s going to McMake his McMove over McMochachinos …

We hear utensils being tapped against the side of a glass to get everyone’s attention. Abby and Luka are back at their table and the camera is shooting them from behind, as Dubenko, carrying a beer, passes in front of them, giving the “awww, aren’t you cute” look as he goes. Abby’s left arm is on the table, and Luka’s left hand is on her forearm, his fingers stroking her. Awww, that’s sweet … Bitch … She moves her arm a little closer to him as he continues to caress it … Again, sweet … and again … Bitch … We can hear that Pratt now has the mike and is trying to get everyone’s attention. From the Luka and Abby cam, we see that he’s made himself more comfortable by shedding the jacket, unbuttoning the top buttons on his shirt, and loosening his tie. He’s teasing Frank, who’s returning to his table, by saying, “Pardon me, Twinkletoes, you did a great job out there”, and giving him a little kick in the butt. Hee. Pratt, who’s holding a champagne glass, says that “First and foremost, I have to thank Luka for inviting us all here today …” Frank interjects, “It’s not like we had a choice …” and there’s general chuckling. Luka smiles over at him, while Abby, tongue rolling around in her cheek, gives Frank a little bit of a surprised “oh really” face. Pratt continues, “I think I speak for everyone … including Frank … when I say that it is an honor and a privilege to be here on your special day”. Everyone “Hear hear” ‘s this and raises their glasses in salute. Through the Morris cam, Pratt says, “Now, you guys know me, I’ve never been married before so …”, and Morris chimes in, sing-songing, “But he’s dated women who we-ere …”, and everyone laughs. Sam, belatedly getting in touch with her inner heckler, yells out, “Leave your mom out of it, Morris”, and the crowd’s all “Oooooh”. Morris, in typical “dish it out but can’t take it fashion”, stands up and all pissily spits out, “Okay … okay … What’s the difference between an ER nurse and a Porsche, Sam?”, as Dubenko puts a restraining hand on him. Sam, holding a glass of red wine in right hand, gives him a “Oh, yeah? You want a piece of me? Bring it on” gesture with her left. Hee. Pratt tries to regain control and get people to listen up. Abby looks totally amused and is grinning over at Sam, probably because she saw what Sam did to that Self-Defense Instructor Police Officer, who reminded me of Meat from Porky’s, in the Family Business ep and is so hoping Sam gets her Kung Fu Fighting on with Morris. Pratt says that he can’t believe “you guys save lives for a living”. Getting back to his Best Man speech, Pratt says that he’s had the great pleasure of working with Abby and Luka, adding “both of whom I consider friends”. Everyone’s quiet now, listening to Pratt as he goes on, “And I see them working together … sharing a life … sharing a family … You know, tonight’s been a great night, and I know … we all know … that this can’t last forever … but … I think we all do agree that the love between you two will … and I know it will …” Awww, that’s sweet, Pratt. He keeps on, “And hopefully … with some luck … maybe some of that love will rub off on all of us here and help us find someone as special as you two have …” Abby and Luka, who had been watching him, turn to look at each other and share a smile as Pratt finishes “… someone to share the rest of your lives with … as friends … and … as lovers”. Pratt raises his glass high, everyone else following suit. He says, “To Abby and Luka! And love and friendship! … Hear hear!”, as he toasts them, Abby and Luka hold their glasses up to him and everyone claps and cheers. Well done, Pratt. Pratt turns to the DJ and tells him “you know what to do, now, c’mon!” The disco beat starts up and everyone jumps up onto the dance floor … Put on your dancin’ shoes … Pratt and Chuny are totally getting their boogie on – Pratt even Saturday Night Fever-ing it, Travolta style … We’re goin’ out tonight … Abby and Luka grin as they toast each other and he winks at her. Awww … They both start cracking up when they look out at the dance fools dancing …

A drink-toting feeling-no-pain Usher saunters up to Dawn at the bar and “Hey, baby” ‘s her. Dawn, with the “don’t even” tone and look, asks him “Who are you talkin’ to?” Overtly checking out her ass, he replies, “The hottest nurse in the ER”. Now that’s a little more like it Usher – I was worried about you there with that outrageous octogenarian obsession you seemed to have when you went cruising with Sam’s Gaudy Grandma Gracie. Dawn bursts out laughing and walks away, leaving Usher, who didn’t even seem to notice that he just got dissed, leaning against the bar. Abby walks by behind him, seemingly looking for someone. She keeps going until she comes to a burgundy draped doorway where she hears Busy’s voice saying, “Make sure that the guest has finished eating and make sure that there are no empties …” Abby stands there, watching Busy, who’s in the kitchen area giving orders to some vest-wearing waiter-types. As they start to go back out to do their jobs, an annoyed Busy admonishes one of them to button up her vest. They walk by a smirking Abby, who addresses Busy. Busy, appalled that Abby’s back there, is all “What are you doing here??? No, you should be out there …” as Abby walks over to her. Abby tries to get her attention, but Busy’s busy babbling, “No, the bride can not be back here …” Abby, shrugging her shoulders and holding up her fists in frustration, says more sharply, “Hope!”, and Busy shuts up, looking at Abby apprehensively. Abby’s annoyance evaporates and she pauses for a second before grinning at Busy and telling her sincerely, “I want to thank you for all of this”. Busy, still looking a bit frightened, asks uncertainly, “You do?” Amused at Busy’s expression, Abby nods, grinning, and tells her “yes”. Busy considers this for a second then asks hesitatingly, “You’re not gonna … hurt me?” Abby chuckles and shakes her head, saying, “No”. Busy, all gushingly overcome, hugs her, surprising Abby, who puts her hands up like “uh, okay”. Hee … Abby’s still holding her hands like that, not hugging back, but notices that Busy’s crying, and asks her what’s wrong. Busy’s all with the weepy, “It’s just so beautiful”. Busy hugs a not-returning-it Abby even harder, causing Abby to grin and then grimace at being squeezed like that, saying “Okay …” Hee …

Luka, looking mighty sexy with his tie undone, because he’s apparently doing the initial undressing preparations for my lapdance, strides purposefully through the rooms, looking for someone. I’m right here, Luka … Just saying … Dubenko, who’s sitting in a leather wingback chair downing a beer, spots him, gets up and calls to him. Luka comes over and asks Dubenko if he’s seen Abby. What? You can’t find her? What happened to that “we-always-find-each-other” compass you gave her for Christmas last year? Guess you left it in the Bat Cave … Dubenko, obviously a little loopy from the lager, shakes Luka’s hand and congratulates him, telling him that he’s a “lucky guy”. Luka thanks him, but Dubenko doesn’t think Luka is totally getting it because he tells him, “No, really … Abby’s great …”. Still walking, not stopping on his Lockhart lookout, Luka assures him, “I know”. Dubenko, getting in front of him, puts his hand to Luka’s chest to stop him, warning him, “Don’t ever hurt her”. Uh oh. Guess Dubenko didn’t object during the ceremony because he needed liquid courage before confronting Luka … Maybe he’s afraid Luka’s going to cut him off from his Satisfaction Facilitator supplier … Luka’s all “Excuse me?” Dubenko squares off in front of him and says, “I mean it”. Luka, seeing no real threat here – and really, why would he? … Bitch – gives him a nod and dismisses it, “Okay”, patting Dubenko on the shoulder as he walks right past him. Hee. Dubenko, apparently not done, turns and follows him.

Chuny comes up to get a drink at the bar as Usher ogles her from the other side and says, “Chuny … anybody ever told you that you was the hottest nurse in the ER?” Chuny gives him a “well, duh” scowl, says, “Yeah”, takes her glass from the bartender and walks away, leaving Usher to look after her, sucking on his straw and watching her with a “damn” face. Hee.

She walks through a doorway, just as Luka, not breaking stride, comes through, with Dubenko right beside him, saying, “No, no, no … Seriously … I’m sorry … You’re great, you’d never hurt her …I know that … What was I thinking …” Luka’s paying no attention to him as he looks around the room for Abby. Not seeing her, he turns and walks back through the doorway, heading off in another direction, with Dubenko right on his heels, continuing as if Luka’s hanging on his every word, “But if you did … I would hunt you down like a cheetah …” Hee … Without missing a beat, Dubenko turns to follow a woman in a dress and stilettos that’s sashaying down the hall in the other direction, and says “Hello …” in that “and what have we here” tone … Hee

Luka walks around a corner and stops when he sees something. Camera switches to show us a blubbering Busy sitting on a chair while Abby stands next to her, sporting a concerned, yet amused at the same time, expression. She looks over, spots Luka in the doorway and gives him a lopsided grin. Luka, obviously pleased to have found her, raises his eyebrows at this scene and smiles back at her.

Dubenko is writing on a giant white paper on the wall that is filled with well-wishes for the happy couple, like “Love Never Fails” from someone named “Jason”, “Dear Abby & Luka, We Luv You” that for a second I think is signed “Carter”, because whatever the name is looks like it begins with “C” and has an “r” in it … Shudders … Someone else signed it with a big “WHATEVER”. Nice, I-can’t-make-out-your-name-but-you’re-a-douchebag-to-have-written-that ER Staffer person. Dubenko has written “Dear” and then crossed out a “K” to write “Luka” and underneath, has started to write “I really mean …” Hee … Neela comes up to him and asks if he’s having fun. Dubenko, apparently over Miss Stilettos already, is looking at Neela all merrily moony as he tells her that it’s a lot of fun. He says that he went to a Surgery wedding once and it was such a bore, all they did was “talk, talk, talk”. All giddy as he says it, Dubenko tells her that “ER weddings have … spunk …” Neela, uncomfortable, tells him, “You know, they’re serving coffee right now” … Hee … He asks her if she’s having fun and she gives him a quick “yeah”. Looking only at her lips, he keeps saying that it’s “fun, a lot of …”, then leans in and kisses a wide-eyed in shock Neela. He backs away, looking mighty pleased with himself, and exhales the word “fun”. So now that Abby’s married, maybe he’s thinking Abby’s passed on the pimping business to Neela – or at least left the Facilitator’s number in her old apartment or something … A totally thrown Neela excuses herself, saying that she has to go to the bathroom, and makes a quick exit.

Neela heads off down the hallway, looking back over her shoulder with a “what the hell was that?” look. She starts to say, “I’m looking for …” as she comes upon a leopard-skin sofa where Sam is getting hot and heavy with someone. Hearing Neela, they break apart and we see that Sam has been snarfing … Ross??? Oh, yuck … WTF, Sam? And here I was going to actually compliment you on how nice you were looking tonight – even your hair. But now you just had to go and skeeve me out by getting your geek on, didn’t you? Ewww … Damn, Sam … To go from The Delicious to The Doofus is way beyond a step down – it’s a freefall into the abyss … Ewww … Neela, apologizes for interrupting, but can’t do it without giggling - and really how could she be expected not to? She keeps walking, this time spotting Morris and Busy giving each other mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in the corner. Jeez, Pratt. When you hoped that “some” of what Abby and Luka have would rub off on everyone there, I didn’t think you meant this particular “some” … Bitch … Walking past them, Neela scowls and asks rhetorically, “Has everyone gone bonkers?” Hee. No, Neela. Apparently everyone’s gone bonking …

Lovebite is lost in thought in the Ladies Room when Neela comes in. Neela says “hey” and Lovebite returns it. Neela asks her if she’s alright, and Lovebite explains that she always cries at weddings, adding that she’s alone. Not knowing what to say, Neela just gives her a “Uh … well … it’s alright …” Looking at her intensely, Lovebite tells Neela that she just wants to say how much she appreciates all the mentoring Neela’s done and that she totally admires Neela a lot. Neela’s all blushingly modest. Lovebite then leans in and lays a big smacker, right on Neela’s lips. Woa, woa, woa, what is this? The Ellen DeGeneres show? She lets Neela go and backs away, leaving Neela totally frozen with a hilarious look of shock on her face. Lovebite tells her that she just really wanted her to know that. Neela, who hasn’t moved, finally blinks a little. Lovebite, all happy with herself, repeats, “Really, really know it” and walks out, leaving Neela to curse the writers for passing on Abby’s ER Love Object That Every Man, Woman and Furry Rodent Desires mantel to her and wondering who she can dump it on to … Considering Sam’s pretty much already scraping the bottom of the barrel as it is these days, Neela, I’m thinking you might just have to wait to see if there are any new castmembers next season …

Most likely having just walked past the action on the leopard-skin couch, Malik comes over to sit down next to Frank, telling him that there’s some “freaky stuff going on in here”. Frank thinks that there’s probably something in the water, though given the state of this crowd, Frank, I’m thinking there’s been very little “water” drinking going on … Malik tells him, “Timmy told me that I’m the hottest nurse in the ER” … Hee … Frank looks over at him and asks, “What do you want from me, a second opinion?” … Hee …

McEgo walks up to the bar where an obviously worse-for-wear Ray is sitting, rubbing a glass against his forehead. Because he’s just a hired hand, working on the dreams he planned to try, McEgo orders a dry, dirty martini and a tequila sunrise. He spots Ray and says “Hey, Ray. What’s shakin’?” Ray, slurring his words more than a little bit, asks “Dry and dirty? I should have figured that one out …” McEgo says that he prefers the tequila sunrise because of all the pretty colors. Ray looks him up and down, channels me and says, “Asshole”. Pratt comes up and kids McEgo that he needs to save some liquor for everybody else as McEgo just stares at Ray. Pratt orders another vodka and cranberry. Oh, yum. Order one for me while you’re at it, Pratt. Thanks. McEgo starts sarcastically saying to Ray that he doesn’t know if Ray’s noticed or not, but there’s a party going on right here, a celebration to last throughout the year, so bring your good times, and your laughter, too … McEgo starts making “get along now” sweeping movements as he tells Ray that any time he feels like jumping in, he just needs to get off the little stool. Morris comes up as McEgo tells the bartender to give Ray some hot coffee and to keep it coming, then takes his drinks and starts to head off. Ray’s not finished with him though, saying after him, “You’re a real prick, you know that?” Pratt and Morris look at each other and Morris asks, sotto voce, “Problem?” and Pratt answers, “Not yet, but soon”. McEgo turns back, walks over to Ray, puts his drinks down, leans over and with that cocky smile that I’d so just like to smack off his face, asks Ray, “What’s your damage, Ray?” Ray comes back at him that his “damage” is that McEgo walked “into our ER like you owned the place” and Ray doesn’t appreciate that and doesn’t think anyone else does either. I know I certainly don’t, Ray. McEgo condescendingly tells him that he knows Ray doesn’t like him, but sooner or later, Ray’s going to have to get used to “living with him”, because he “ain’t goin’ nowhere”. Living with him? McEgo’s going to be Ray’s new “roomie”? Does that mean Ray’s going to make him a mix-tape CD, too? Let me suggest some songs then: How about Urge Overkill’s “Bottle of Fur” or The Deftones’ “Around the Fur”? Or They Might Be Giants’ “Why Did You Grow a Beard”? Or Tom Petty’s “Asshole”? Or Elton John’s “Ego”? Or Justin Timberlake’s “Dick in a Box”? Or The Replacements’ “Shut up”? And most definitely, because I’m sure this fuckin’ jerk pisses you off and gets on your nerves as he does me, Ray, “The Rodeo Song” … Ray thinks that if McEgo wants to leave a mess wherever he goes, that’s up to him, but there are “two things that I will not let you screw around with. That is patients’ lives and …”, then stops. McEgo gets in his face, prompting knowingly, “And what, Ray?” Ray turns to him and says matter-of-factly, “And her”. McEgo bitches at him, “Hey, I care about her, you sulky little pissant”. Morris and Pratt come over, trying to get them to stop before this gets any uglier, saying that it’s the wrong time and the wrong place. Ray stands up, coming back at McEgo, “I bet you almost have yourself convinced about that. But the problem is, you’re the only one that buys it”. Pratt tries to get Ray to go for a walk as we see Neela behind them, watching this whole scene. McEgo spots Neela and tells Ray, “You know that thing you guys had in the past? It’s over … finished … done”. Neela tries to stop him, “Tony …” Ray hears her and glances over to see her looking wide-eyed at McEgo before sliding her eyes over to him. Ray tells McEgo, “You don’t know how to take care of her” and goes back to his drink. Neela says, “Ray, please …” McEgo picks up his drinks, turns to Ray and egos with that smack-able smirk, “Well, Ray, at least I’m trying”. As he walks away, Ray says nastily, “That’s right … that’s right … Like you took care of Meg, huh?” Morris turns around with an “Oh, shit” face, then goes up to McEgo, trying to get him to let it go and telling him that Ray’s drunk, but McEgo, glowering, has got other ideas. Pratt tries to pull away Ray, who’s a bit wobbly, but is still staring down McEgo. McEgo tries to pretend for a second that he’s cool, gives it up, tosses the drinks aside and lunges for Ray, banging him into the bar. Ray pushes him off, sending him into a nearby table as Neela screams at them to stop and Morris, Pratt and Malik try to break them apart. Malik and Morris get a hold of McEgo and pull him away as Pratt holds on to Ray. Morris pushes McEgo out of the room as Pratt takes Ray in the other direction, leaving Neela to stand there, not knowing which way to go. Well, at least there were no swords in this triangle-induced jackass jealous pissing contest …

Pratt leads Ray outside and down a fire-escape staircase. Ray tries to get him to let go and tells Pratt that he’s okay. But Pratt’s pissed, and wants to know what Ray’s trying to do, and if he’s trying to ruin it for Abby and Luka. Ray yanks himself away from Pratt, telling him to “get the hell off”. Pratt follows him down the steps, asking him what’s going on with him. Walking away a little, Ray says that he doesn’t think Pratt gets it. In a broken voice Ray says that every time he thinks he’s turning the corner, every time he thinks he knows what he’s doing, “I end up falling backwards again”. Pratt tries to calm him, saying, “Look, it’s a wedding, you’re drunk and you’re hooked on a girl …” and tells him to go home, and that he’ll feel better about it in the morning. Ray doesn’t want to go home, but Pratt’s having none of it, and taking his duty as Best Man seriously, says, “Well, you’re done here”. He tells Ray to just catch a cab. Ray tries to protest, but Pratt tells him again to go home, then heads back inside, leaving Ray to kick himself because he knows Neela’s watching Uncle Jesse with those eyes, and loving him with that body, he just knows it …

McEgo is sitting on the edge of what looks like a wood-surrounded Jacuzzi while Morris is at the sink behind him, bitching at him, “You know what I love about you, Gates? Just when I get worried that maybe I’m being a little tough on you, you do something to prove what an ass you are”, and disgustedly tosses a towel over at him. McEgo’s all with the McInnocence, McProtesting that he was being all civil until that “alcoholic, OC reject went off on me” as he starts to walk away. Morris thinks McEgo should have just kept McWalking. McEgo tells Morris, “As my role model, Kenny Rogers, once said, ‘sometimes you have to fight when you’re a man’ “. Yeah, well he also said “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run”, McEgo. McDickwad. Morris sarcastically thinks, “That’s deep”. Morris calls after him when McEgo spots Neela and starts walking over to her. McEgo tells him not to worry, he’s not going “back in there”. Thank God. Though I would have so loved to have seen Luka issue his sexily superhuman Slavic smackdown on you if you did anything to ruin this night for Abby, McEgo.

Neela is sitting with Chuny when McEgo approaches. Chuny tells him “Not right now, Tony. Can’t you see she’s upset?” He says that he just wants to talk to her, and Neela tells Chuny that it’s alright and thanks her. Chuny heads off and McEgo sits in the seat she just vacated. He tells her, “I’m sorry that happened”. Way to take responsibility there, McBlameTheOtherGuy. Neela’s pissed and tells him that thank God that Abby and Luka were in the other room and don’t even know about what happened. He tells her that there’s no excuse, and she and I wholeheartedly agree with him. He starts with the McExcuses anyway, saying that he wasn’t looking for trouble, but Ray just wouldn’t back down. Neela bitches at him, “Oh right, and there was no other way for that conversation to end without him backing down”. McEgo doesn’t know what she means. Neela angrily tells him that with men, “you have to win”, and with women, “you have to feel like you’ve done right by them”. She goes on forcefully, “Even if all you are doing is causing them pain, or at best, wasting their time”. Oh, you go, Neela! McEgo can’t believe that’s what she thinks he’s doing – wasting her time. Well, duh, McEgo. Don’t you know how the triangles on this show work? I guess not, so Neela explains it to him, getting up, sighing heavily, then saying that she’s thinks that they both got into this because they knew that it had no future – it was just the bridge from one part of their lives into another. McEgo, not accepting that he’s being McDumped, doesn’t think that’s true – he thinks it’s a lot more than that. Neela shakes her head as she tells him in all honesty, “No … I don’t love you. And I don’t think you love me, and I don’t see much chance of that changing any time soon”. Oh, is it my birthday today or something? Because I thought Abby and Luka getting married after all these years was the best present, but this is the icing on the cake … Go Neela … It’s my birthday … Go Neela … McEgo looks at her for a moment, pursing his lips. As he stands he asks, “So that’s it? We’re done?” Neela just looks back at him and says simply, “Yeah”. McEgo McSnots, “Because Ray couldn’t get over you?” Neela, annoyed, scowls and lets out an exasperated “No!” Her eyes are a little teary as she looks up at him and tells him, getting more vehement as she goes, “Because you can stand there as if you’re listening to what I’m saying, and still believe that none of this is your fault”, before striding away from him. YES!!! Thank God … Thank God, Neela … My disdain for your season of freakish fur fascination has just been eradicated by your perfect summation of EXACTLY what’s wrong with McEgo –-- his tremendous … McEgo …

Astrud Gilberto’s version of “Fly Me to the Moon” is playing as the camera pulls away from McEgo … Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars … Shot moves to Chuny, who had been watching his exchange with Neela, then turns back to talk to Usher. So what happened, Chuny - did Usher come up with a better pickup line? … Let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars … Camera keeps pulling back as Chuny and Usher get up to dance. … In other words, hold my hand … Neela approaches the bar and asks the bartender if he’s got any bourbon as she sits on a stool. … In other words, darling, kiss me … She looks over to see Lovebite giving her the eye. Turning back to the bartender, Neela asks, “Can you make it a double?” Hee … Fill my heart with song and let me sing forevermore …

Camera pans to Morris and Busy on the dance floor in the foreground, Luka and Abby dancing in the background … You are all I hope for … Busy asks Morris if he’s okay, and he says he is, he just wishes “that” hadn’t happened. I guess the “that” is the McEgo vs. Ray glaringly gorked grandiose gonad gauging grudge match … All I worship and adore … Busy tells him that he did a really good job tonight, and he corrects her that she’s the one who did an awesome job … In other words, please be true … Busy looks over at Abby and Luka, and as she does, we can see that Morris has had his arm outstretched, holding his camera and filming them this whole time. Hee. Busy’s all down with her gleeful gasping self, saying that “They look so happy”, and they really do … Bitch ... In other words, I love you … Morris tells her that he got them the Honeymoon Suite at the Ritz for a few nights. Oh, that’s nice, Morris. He tells Busy that they said they couldn’t use it on account of MoJo. Yeah, nice, Luka and Abby. Using your kid as an excuse. You know it’s because you just want your first deep moisturizing treatment as husband and wife to be done with your own hair products … Bitch … Since Busy probably doesn’t know about the Hair Salon and Spa, she totally buys the MoJo mitigation. Morris mock seriously says that it’s too bad because he really doesn’t want the room to go to waste. Busy totally plays along and says that she doesn’t either. She smiles at him and he’s all flustered, “R-r-really? You don’t?” … In other words, hold my hand … Busy tells him, “Of course not”. Morris gives her a scrutinizing look as he makes sure that he’s not getting this wrong and asks if she’s saying what he thinks she’s saying. A totally certain Busy replies, “Oh, it’s ‘go’ time” … In other words, darling, kiss me … Morris, kind of shocked that he actually got it right and he and Busy are going to get … busy … takes the camera off of Abby and Luka and instead wants Busy to say it again so he can get it “on record”. She pushes the camera down, chuckling, and hugs him as they laugh …

Morris and Busy move out of frame and the camera closes in on Abby and Luka, gazing at each other and grinning as they dance. She’s grasping each of his shoulders and he has his hands around her waist … Bitch … She says to him, “So, you quit your job and get married in the same week?” He gives her a “that’s right” affirming head tilt and eyebrow raise as he declares, “I’m a new guy now”. Still grinning, Abby asks him, “Is that so?” In a low husky voice, he tells her, “Being Chief was gonna just mean spending less time with my wife and baby”. Awww … Abby smiles at him, then looks down for a moment, contemplating. She sighs, draws her lips in a bit before glancing back up, evidently wanting to say something to him. Smiling as she humbles herself with the confession, “Well, I have to admit … I don’t think I could have planned a better wedding …” Luka smiles broadly at her, with obvious delight that he made her happy, and wanting to hear her admit it again, he murmurs, “You don’t?” She gives a definitive headshake and tells him with absolute certainty, “I don’t”. They smile, beaming adoringly at one another. Luka leans towards her, rests his forehead against hers, and they close their eyes as they stay like that, captivated by each other, swaying to the music, exuding happiness …

Morris sees them and turns the camera their way. Through the Morris cam, we see Abby and Luka, realizing they’re being filmed. Luka shoots Morris a look of disdain, because it seems Morris has absorbed through osmosis Busy’s talent for moment ruining. Abby grins as she raises her hand to block the camera …

As Blondie’s “One Way or Another” plays, the Morris cam records chair-side confessionals of congratulations. Starting with Jane the Intern, played by Sara Gilbert, who was Darlene on Roseanne, who just says, “Abby, it was a really nice wedding”. Shot slides to a serious-faced Dubenko, beside her, who looks straight into the camera and deadpans, “Luka, what I said before about hurting Abby? I meant it”, then raises his eyebrows pointedly. Hee … Morris cam captures a cheerful Lovebite saying, “I’m not really sure why I’m here but I’m very happy to be invited”. Yeah, I’ll just bet you are, Lovebite. She looks around, then leans in and whispers, “I don’t really know these people” as the Morris cam seems to get a one track mind of its own and focuses in on her cleavage. Nice, Morris cam.

One way or another, I’m gonna find ya … Morris, who’s been filming, makes to put the camera down so that Luka and Pratt come into frame, apparently sitting at Abby’s and Luka’s table because her bouquet is there … I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha … Luka shoots him a “what the hell are you doing, Morris” look before getting it and smirking over at a smiling Pratt … One way or another … Luka leans his head down, sticking his tongue out with a sort of gagging face as he mocks banging himself in the head with his right fist. Hee … I’m gonna win ya … Pratt chuckles as Morris pulls up an empty chair to sit on the other side of Luka … I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha …With a resigned countenance, Luka sits up in his chair as they all face the camera … One way or another … A smiling Pratt, with his arm across Luka’s shoulders, says that he and Morris just want to say “Congrats … to our fearless leader here”, as he shakes Luka companionably … I’m gonna see ya … Luka raises his eyebrows and sports a silly “do I really need to be sitting here with these two nitwits when I haven’t given Cranky her lapdance yet?” grin … Not the right Blondie song, but Call Me … Morris chimes in that they wish him “a life of contentment and joy” … I’m gonna meetcha , meetcha, meetcha, meetcha … Luka smiles as Pratt adds “and love” and Morris agrees … One day, maybe next week … Morris then asks Pratt, “and what else?” … I’m gonna meetcha … Morris remembers with an “oh, oh” … I’m gonna meetcha, I’ll meetcha … and says, “Sleeping with only one woman …” … I will drive past your house … Pratt puts in “ever again” and Luka nods at this with an “ah, yes” self-satisfied grin … Bitch … While Luka keeps grinning, Morris deadpans into the camera, “Forever”, setting his mouth, widening his eyes and giving a “what a shame” headshake as Pratt interjects “… without it …” and turns to raise his eyebrows pointedly at the camera. Hee.

… And if the lights are all down … Angelic Curls, at the food table with the cake visible over her left shoulder, tells the Morris cam that everybody’s real nice and “I hope they’ll be real happy together … I do … Even the bride …”. Hee …

… I’ll see who’s arou-ound … Morris cam pans up the cake to focus in on the dark haired plastic bridal couple topper as Blondie fades out and Tom Waits takes over. Man, this is soooo not your night, Tish, seeing as I bet you before this season even started that they would play a Tom Waits song at some point, in some episode. Too bad you didn’t think to make me specify which episode or which Tom Waits song … Sucks for you because it still counts, so just add it to the total … I’ll accept cash, check, money order, Starbucks gift card, or coupon voucher to redeem for yet another of those still-as-yet-to-be-received-lusty-Luka-lapdances … Just saying … The melancholy melody of Tom’s pensive piano playing “The World Keeps Turning” takes us from the cake to the DJ and the party guests dancing it up, making with the merriment … On our anniversary … Angelic Curls is asleep at a table as we see unexciting Carving Station Waiter Guy who must be her caterer dad come over, wake her, then pick her up … There’ll be someone else where you used to be … Caterer Dad carries the snuggling, exhausted Angelic Curls through the room, past a downcast Neela, sitting on a stool at the bar … The world don’t care and yet it clings to me … She pulls Ray’s ridiculously reckless roomie romantic reminiscing CD out of her purse and looks at it, smiling slightly as we finally get a good glimpse of the picture and the “Happy Valentine’s Day” and “Love, Ray” inscription at the bottom. She gets up off the stool and walks away, opening her cell phone to dial … And the moon is gold and silvery …

Ray is downing a glass of the hard stuff at some bar … Who knows where the sidewalk ends … He takes some money out of his pocket to play the bartender … Well, the road will turn and the road will bend … Ray looks dejected, and more than a little drunk, as he gets up off his stool to leave … They always say he marks the sparrow’s fall … His vibrating cell phone goes off, making him realize that he left it on the bar, and he retrieves it … How can anyone believe it all?

Ray exits the bar, staggering a bit as his cell phone continues to ring … Well, the band has stopped playing but we keep dancing … He opens the phone, scoffing and shaking his head as he looks at it … The world keeps turning … As he puts on his jacket, Ray starts to walk into the street, jumping back when the UPS truck that he didn’t see until he almost walked into it whips around the corner in front of him … The world keeps turning …

Neela, on her cell, gets Ray’s voice mail and leaves a message for him to call her when he gets it … The world keeps turning … She tells him that maybe they can go out for breakfast or coffee or something … The world keeps turning … She says, “Listen, I’m sorry about tonight”. She hangs up the phone and turns back towards the main room … The sun is down … We see Abby and Luka sitting at their table, and Morris filming them. Luka is cutely bopping his head along to the music. Hee. Abby makes a “oh, to hell with this” type move, jumps up, takes his hand and pulls him up to dance … And the moon is in the meadow … Neela smiles as she watches everyone on the dance floor … And the world keeps turning …

The world keeps turning … Ray walks out into the street, opening his phone when it beeps … Put a hat on your head … He keeps walking as he looks at the phone, seeing that he has a message from Neela. The time is 1:04 a.m … Will you paint the whole damned town red … Ray starts mirthlessly chuckling, like he’s wondering what possible bullshit excuses she’s going to be laying on him now and doesn’t answer … with me? … Dropping his cell in the process, he bends down to pick it up … Well, the band has stop playing … Straightening up, Ray scowls at something he sees, then his eyes widen as he literally becomes the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, brightness illuminating his face, horn beeping frantically as a truck bears down on him and the screen goes white …

Oh no … Oh my God … not Ray!!! … Is he dead? … No, no, no … Why can’t The Roadkill have been … the roadkill …??? … Oh my God …

As Elvis sings … Take my hand …, we hear Ray’s voice saying happily, “It’s a pretty amazing night …” … Take my whole life, too … White light dissipates to show us Ray, through Morris’ video lens, being filmed earlier in the evening. Oh, man ... How sad … He’s offering his best wishes, saying, “I guess it just makes you look forward to a time when you get to be as happy as Abby and Luka are right now” … Oh, Ray … Behind the camera, Morris tells him he did a good job and that “we gotta go” … For I can’t help … He stops a waiter type and asks if he can “get this for us”. Camera looks down at the floor for a second before moving up to show us Morris running to where all the ER staff is gathered on the makeshift altar … Falling in love … Morris stands next to Busy, turns and smiles at the camera, while behind him we can see Ray giving Moby the devil horns over his chrome dome … Hee … With you … Panning past everyone smiling, cheering, raising glasses high -- Lily, Busy, Ross, Sam – to Abby and Luka, front and center. Luka has his right elbow bent, hand flat against his chest, thumb hooking his lapel, as Abby has both her hands wrapped around his right bicep … Bitch … Luka is looking into the camera and smiling, while Abby is gazing up at him, absolutely beaming, probably because she can’t believe they’re finally actually married, and that she gets to spend the rest of her life boundlessly beholding The Beautiful … Bitch … Shot moves through the rest of the crowd – Dawn, Pratt, Chuny, Dubenko, Neela, Darlene, Lovebite, Usher, with Malik’s and McEgo’s mooning mugs peeking out from behind – toasting Abby and Luka … For I can’t help … Camera starts to pull back, focusing again on Abby and Luka, who are smiling at each other. Grinning, she looks at something off to the right and he follows her gaze, leaning his head in towards hers as they both look off camera, before straightening back up to once again face forward. Pull back further, the entire smiling, animated group now in frame, the happy couple shining and radiant in the center … Falling in love … Everyone joyfully celebrating this lovely, wonderful, perfect affair, such a long time in coming … With … you …

Fade to black …

* Abby gave her own interpretation of a beautiful poem by e.e. cummings:

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ER 13.20 Lights Out

2007-09-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

Previously on ER: Pratt and his brother Chaz are walking down a Chicago street and Chaz says that it would help if Pratt would write a letter or something, Pratt asks him for what kind of work and Chaz tells him “an EMT”; Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House but better known in my recaps as Uncle Ego for the tremendous size of his McEgo, tells Pratt that he’ll help Chaz out and I hope to God that he means as a paramedic and not any other kind of helping out …because … Ewww …; Neela tells McEgo that she just doesn’t know “how I fit in” and McEgo shows some real self-awareness by saying that he understands, since the size of his swelled head makes it pretty impossible for anyone else to fit in anywhere; At Sam’s birthday party Neela tells Ray that he “won’t have to wait long”; Back in the hospital, Ray wants to know “So, we’re still waiting?”, and Neela tries to pass it off as having only been “a week” to which Ray scoffs, “Oookay”; Pratt tries to put the moves on Bettina, Radiology Woman, saying that he sent her some emails but she calls him on it by saying that she never got any of them; McEgo confronts his dad, Mike, played by Stacy Keach, who was TV’s Mike Hammer, about where the groceries that he gave him a hundred bucks to buy are and demands to know how much a drunken, head-shaking “I dunno” Hammer’s got left; Annabella Sciorra, who played Gloria Trillo on The Sopranos but on this show plays Diana the photographer, is trying to take a photo of Sam, telling her to “C’mon, smile for the camera, Birthday Girl”, then later in the lounge tells Sam how she has ovarian-cancer, which has recurred for the third time and then unbelievably just makes a present to Sam of an SLR digital camera, whose high megapixels costs megabucks, that I’ve been trying to save up to buy for like ever … Bastards …; Sam tells Luka that she’s going to send her son New Alex, or Newlex, aka Splinter for the similarity of his wooden acting style with that of Neela’s dead husband Gallant, or Plank, yet now referred to as Deadwood, away then sadly adds that she just can’t help but feel like she’s giving up on him and lovely Luka in his Luka Blue II shirt assures her “We both know that’s not true” …

Norah Jones sings “Thinking About You” as an overhead camera pans over Sam, lying alone in her bed and looking none too happy about that fact. Yeah, wellm if you hadn’t so freakin’ insanely kicked the comely Croatian to the curb at the beginning of last season, Sam, you might be having a bewitchingly beautiful becomingly bedraggled bare-bodied Balkan bang-buddy bed-warmer beside you right now rather than the Empty Pillowed Unrumpled Sheets of Pissy Pointless Pathetically Passionless Pity Parties you’ve got going on … Moron ... Yesterday I saw the sun shining, And the leaves were fallin’ down softly … Scene shifts to show a now wet-haired, robed Sam cooking up some eggs … And my cold hands needed a warm, warm touch … Bathrobe Sam heads down the hallway in her apartment … And I was thinking about you … Dressed and with makeup on and hair done … Well, if you can call it that … It’s dry now, but it’s kind of just limp noodle hanging there with the Bathwater-Blonde Bangs of the Dour Glower Botox Scowler as Sam puts her earrings on … Grabbing her handbag, Sam in her completely Cranky-coveted cognac-colored leather jacket heads towards the door … But here I am, lookin’ for signs … Sam pulls the door closed behind her … And the point of that scene except to annoy the crap out of me by making me envy Sam’s newly upscaled outerwear was? …

Hammer is sitting at McEgo’s dining table with Sarah, the recently discovered non-product of McEgo’s loins … Oh, ugh … I just totally icked myself with that thought … but whom I call Deej because since she is living with McEgo, she reminds me of one of the Tanner girls from Full House. Hammer is telling Deej a story about one of the fires he was in during his old firefighting days as McEgo comes down the spiral staircase, listening. Deej is all into this story of flames eating walls “like maggots on dead meat”. Yuck. She asks Hammer, “So where was the little boy?” Hammer tells her that he’d looked everywhere for him, but when they radioed him to tell him to get out, something told him to check again, as the phone rings and McEgo heads over to answer it. Deej is asking Hammer if he was scared and he says he was and the kid was behind the dresser and the smoke was so thick he could barely breathe as McEgo says “Oh, hey, Neela” into the phone. Nice, Neela. You tell Ray that he won’t have to wait long, that you’re getting out of things with McEgo, yet you still call him? You just keep stringing Ray along, don’t you? Your wishy-washy back and forth’ing about whether you actually wanted to be a doctor or not was bad enough in Season 11, but at least no one else was involved and it was just a case of you being simply annoying. Now you’re jerking around not only Ray and McEgo, but the audience as well. Jeez, ER, didn’t you learn your lesson about forcing relationships into geometric shapes with Carter, Abby and Luka when you dangled the Wrangling Mangled Entangled Triangle where Carter worked an angle and wangled to untangle while I wanted to strangle? McEgo, overly interested in Hammer’s non-interesting story, asks Neela if he can call her back in five minutes and hangs up as Hammer is getting to the good part where he was just getting the kid and BOOM!, the second floor caved in. Deej, all impressed, asks McEgo if he’s heard this, but McEgo pissily blows her off, telling her that it’s time for her to go to school. Deej, in all her pre-teen superiority, tells McEgo that it’s teacher conferences today and that she and Hammer are having a cartoon marathon. Oh, I’m so with you on that one, Deej. We just did a Fairly Oddparents cartoon marathon last weekend in my house, so I’m so feeling the animation love … McEgo’s not having it and tells her that Hammer needs to go find a job and that she needs to go to “Heather’s”. Oh, you mean, like Shannen Doherty type “Heathers”? What is your damage, Heather? You know, Deej, you blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year. Hammer tells McEgo that Heather’s sick. Oh, no, really, Heather? Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? Did you suck down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant, and then SMASH? Hammer says that he starts working at Home Depot tomorrow. Cool, Hammer. I’m remodeling my kitchen, so can I use your employee discount? Thanks … McEgo, who’s supposed to look skeptically surprised , but instead looks crabbily constipated, doesn’t say anything, causing Deej to prompt hopefully, “Isn’t that great? …” and an unconvinced McEgo grudgingly agrees, “Yeah … great …”

Pratt and Ray head out into the Ambulance Bay to meet an incoming rig. A cropped haired paramedic tells them that they have a female who experienced loss of consciousness at a travel agency. Oh, I totally understand that – she probably got a look at some of the vacation prices. Doors open and we see Chaz, who smiles when he spots Pratt. Pratt’s all “Oh no … damn”, as he smiles back. Chaz goes all business-like, as he spouts off the vitals to Dumar the Paramedic. Ray’s all “Well, listen to you” as he points at Chaz and gives Pratt the “I’m impressed” lip purse and nod. Teasing Chaz, Pratt asks LOC lady, who it turns out is Gloria the photographer, “He hasn’t hurt you has he?” A weakened Gloria says that she’s fine and that she just got dizzy. Pratt introduces himself and tells her that they’re going to take a look at her. Gloria tries to write it off that she didn’t eat breakfast and just got dizzy as they move her gurney towards the doors. She tells Pratt that she wants to go home and he placates her that they’ll try to make it quick. Pratt tells them to take Gloria to Curtain 2 as Dumar hands Chaz the chart, calling him “newbie” and telling him to finish up the run-sheet as they move ahead with Gloria. Pratt puts his arm around Chaz’ shoulders proudly as they walk behind and he and Chaz share smiles.

They enter into the ER and Pratt asks if this is Chaz’ first day. Chaz tells him all the stuff they’ve done so far that day and the shift isn’t even half over. Pratt wants to know how Dumar is treating him and Chaz says that Dumar’s real cool. Pratt presses a bit, “He’s not giving you a hard time?” and Chaz smiles, admitting that Dumar made him stock the rig and get the coffee as Pratt chuckles. Chaz happily tells him that it’s not like he had to “shine the rims or anything”, as they head into the lounge. Pratt warns him to make sure it doesn’t get in the way of his schoolwork, and Chaz assures him that it won’t. Sam and Chuny are standing at the table, looking at some memo thing and Sam asks Pratt if he’s seen it. Chuny says that “Kovac is having a mandatory department dinner next week”. Pratt asks “Now, why would I want to hang out with you losers on my free time?” Hee. I often ask myself the same thing when I’m watching this show, Pratt … Sam chuckles as she empties a packet of sugar into her coffee and says that it’s better than the time that Weaver took them to the “olive plantation”. Hee. Pratt and Chuny laugh as we see McEgo enter and go to the lockers behind them. Pratt bitches that he was “stuck in the toilet for days”. Chaz tells him, “Too much information”, and I am soooo with you on that one, Chaz. Yuck. Pratt asks Sam and Chuny if they’ve met his brother and proudly tells them that it’s his first day on the job. Sam and Chuny congratulate him and McEgo, “hey buddy” ‘s him. Chaz shakes McEgo’s hand and thanks him for everything. McEgo kids him that he’s got to be careful, as he smarmily puts his arms around Chuny and Sam, saying “The ladies love the uniform”. Ugh. Not when it’s flea-infested from the facial roadkill as I’m sure yours was, McInfestation. Double Ugh. Chaz kind of uncomfortably smiles and says “We’ll see”. Pratt watches this, smile fading a little as he gives a “yeah, that’s right, you like boys” nod. Sam hands McEgo the memo. McEgo thinks the dinner sounds like fun and Chuny says that it’s obvious that he hasn’t been to one. Hee. Sam laughs and says that it beats work, which is Pratt’s cue to start handing out some charts, telling Chuny to go take care of Staple Gun Lady in Three, and for Sam to get a liter of NS and an EKG for Gloria in Two. They leave and McEgo asks Pratt what the dinner is all about. Pratt thinks that after County’s lousy Joint Commission Survey, Luka probably just wants to boost morale. And Luka can boost my morale anytime … Just saying …

Luka is walking down the hallway with Anspaugh. Anspaugh asks “What about emergency power for all the rooms?” Luka, sounding frustrated, replies “We’re getting to that”. Anspaugh bitches that the bathrooms still aren’t ADA compliant. What? In a major trauma center. Nice, County. Luka insists that first he needs to update the nurse call systems and get automatic fire doors. Well, that sounds good, Luka, except that ADA compliance is federally mandated and you could get in serious trouble for not taking care of it. Anspaugh says “Well, you’ll have plenty of time to do that when we close”. What??? They’re closing??? How come this is the first I’ve heard of this, Luka? Luka seems exasperated by all this and asks Anspaugh, “Just give me another week … Okay?” Anspaugh comes back at him that he gave him a month. A month, Luka??? Luka retorts with the excuses, “We’re too busy”, but Anspaugh’s not buying it and tells him that they’re busy every day. Luka’s mouth is set grimly as he shoots Anspaugh an annoyed look. Malik follows behind them and tells Luka that his soccer player has a positive culture. Luka throws a quick order over his shoulder to start vancomycin then turns back to Anspaugh, lowering his voice and saying “Look, I haven’t even prepared the staff”. Nice, Luka. Not only did I not know about this, but the staff doesn’t either? Even though I wish you were a bit more consistent with your management competence, you’re yummy in the luscious Luka Blue palette this week after the faulty foray into the glum grays, so I’ll let your slipping supervisory skills slide. Though Anspaugh’s not as benevolent as I am and cuts Luka no slack as he tells him that he has the rest of his shift to do so. As they get to Admit, Luka, starting to get that maybe Anspaugh’s not going to budge, gets a bit snippy with his next try, “What about the patients?” As expected, Anspaugh’s got an answer for this, too, and tells him that they’ve increased capacity at the Urgent Care Clinic. In an incredulous tone, Luka reminds him “You promised shuttles to other facilities”. Anspaugh churlishly spits out that they don’t have enough money for that. With a mirthless sardonic grin Luka dismissively tells Anspaugh, “You have no idea what it’s like to be down here”. Ooh, that kind of tone so isn’t going to go down well with your boss, Luka. And it doesn’t, as an agitated Anspaugh fires back at him, “I’ve covered trauma in this ER for twenty years. We’re trying to improve the way it works”. Realizing that resistance is futile and that it’s a done deal, Luka asks simply, “How long are you going to shut us down?” Anspaugh replies “As long as it takes”, which ticks Luka off even more so that he shoots back like a pissy teenager, “So we can comply with trivial rules?” Anspaugh authoritatively informs him that without accreditation they can’t run this hospital. Luka pleads, “Come on, Donald …”, but Anspaugh’s finished with this and tells him in a no-nonsense tone that in twelve hours they close the ER, “end of story”, then strides away, leaving Luka to gorgeously grit his teeth, doing some fabulously foxy fuming. Seeming like he’s cursing under his breath, Luka’s lovely lips look like they’re forming the word “Fuck” as we crash into the funky graphic opening … Hee …

After commercial, Dawn the nurse is saying to Sam as they walk down the hall, “You heard what he just said … we’re closing down”. Well, I guess Luka decided to get it over with and finally tell everyone. About time, Luka, considering Anspaugh pretty much said that you’ve known for a month. Did you bother to tell Abby before now? We haven’t seen Abby yet, but seeing as how your locks look luxuriantly luscious, I’m guessing you two were too busy playing Hairdresser and her Shampoo Boy and lasciviously lavishing lathering lotion in your in-home Hair Salon and Day spa to discuss such trivial matters as your out-of-home employment … Bitch … Sam tries to reassure Dawn that it’s only temporary, but Dawn says Sam doesn’t know that. Dawn’s suspicious about the dinner but Sam dismisses her concern, telling her that they have the dinner every few years. They do? Sam says that they’re just drinks and dancing and then sounds surprised as she adds that usually you can’t bring a date, so they must be allowed to this year. That’s awfully nice of you, Luka, does this mean you can bring one, too? In that case, I’d better go shopping … I shop, therefore I am … and get my nails done … and my hair … Can you recommend a good salon, Luka? Preferably one that’s not lived in … Bitch … Dawn says that maybe she’ll bring “Wilson” and Sam asks “The cop?”, and Dawn starts to say “They say ‘white men can’t jump’ but he sure can …” as Sam hits her, cutting her off and the two start giggling. Hee. Seeing as how they were flirting a bit earlier in the season, I’m guessing that “Wilson” is Officer Hollis, or as I refer to him, Officer Former Buzz Cut, since last year he was sporting, well, a buzz cut, but it’s grown out some this year. Dawn asks Sam who she’s bringing, but Sam hems and haws before saying “I don’t know”, so I’m guessing Sam isn’t getting any Meat deliveries from that cop from the last ep … Dawn tells Sam that it’s obvious that she has some “stuff going on” and tells says that Sam doesn’t need to keep it all in because “nurses stick together”. Sam pats Dawn’s back gratefully, but tells her that it’s just that she honestly doesn’t know who she’d bring and admits that this is the first time in her life that she’s ever been alone. What? Then what was with all that “me and Alex have always gotten along fine on our own” bullshit you’ve always spouted? And except for the brief period that you let the Sunshine in a few eps back, you’ve been sans man since you dumped Luka … Idiot … like a year and a half ago. Dawn’s all “You’re kidding me”, but Sam’s not and says that now that Splinter is out of the house, she’s got to find something to do with herself. Well, a makeover would be a fine place to start, Sam … Just saying … Dawn conspiratorially tells her, “Girl, it’s called the Rabbit” and that it costs a lot but is worth “every dime”. Hee … Just ask Charlotte from Sex and the City, who got into quite a bit of the Rabbit Habit … And, ewww … I so don’t need to know about Sam’s relationships with electronic devices … Sam just rolls her eyes and laughs with an “Oh God”, before spotting Gloria in the Curtain Area and hightails it over there before Dawn can start giving product demonstrations …

A really-not-looking-too-well Gloria sees Sam and tells her to get “that look” off her face, so I guess Sam must be Botox scowling again and Gloria’s helpfully trying to save her from serious plastic surgery bills down the line. Sam asks Gloria how she is and an out-of-breath sounding Gloria informs her that the cancer has metastasized to her liver, lungs and bones, adding that it’s “not a Kodak moment”. Oh, I’m so sorry, Gloria. That totally sucks. Sam genuinely tells her that she’s sorry, and asks if she’s getting chemotherapy, but Gloria says she’s not, and that she’s done as we hear Luka telling someone “Keep him on the monitor and call for an ICU bed”. Sam looks up as Luka and Ray approach Gloria’s bed. Sam hands Luka the chart and says that Gloria is “Diana Moore” and that she’s hear for syncope and that she has a history of ovarian cancer. Luka introduces himself then takes a look at the chart. Gloria corrects Sam that it’s not a history, it’s now and that it’s end-stage and the doctors need to know that. Luka asks them if they know each other and Sam tells him that Gloria’s been there before, but again Gloria corrects her that it wasn’t as a patient. Sam explains that Gloria’s a photographer and that she’s doing a project on hospice patients. That seems to jog Luka’s memory and he says “Oh, yeah, that’s right … I - I remember you …” Ray examines Gloria’s distended belly and tells her that she’s got pretty bad ascites and Luka explains that her abdominal cavity is accumulating fluid, but Gloria knows what ascites is. Her eyes are tearing and Ray checks them as Gloria goes on, “I took a picture of it … It looks like I’m pregnant …” Sam says that the BP is 92/58. Luka wants Sam to run in a liter of NS, but Gloria doesn’t want any IV’s, and says that she told the paramedics that she’s DNR. Sam protests that it’s just an IV for hydration, but Gloria says she knows how this starts and then you get sucked into the “hospital vortex” and that it never ends up well. Luka and Sam exchange looks before Luka tells Gloria that fluids will make her feel better. Getting visibly upset, Gloria wants them to listen to her, she doesn’t want it – no IV’s, no blood tests, no monitors, no medicines … She then tells them that she’s going to Costa Rica. Ray wants to know what’s in Costa Rica, and Gloria tells him, “The beach …” She looks pleadingly at Luka and nods. He considers her for a second, then tells Sam to give Gloria a liter of oral re-hydration solution. He wants Gloria to stay long enough to show them that she can hold that down. She agrees to that. Luka and Ray start to walk away. Sam follows and asks “Shouldn’t we at least drain some of the fluid?” Ray tells her that they can’t do a paracentesis. Sam wants to know why, because it will help Gloria breathe easier and it will make her more comfortable, but Ray says that Sam heard Gloria, “No blood tests”. Sam implores Luka that it’s just a needle in the belly and it will take him five minutes. Well, hello Abby – as over Luka’s and Ray’s shoulders we see her and her ponytail make their first appearance in this episode, in the Curtain Area. Luka says that Ray’s right, they can’t tap the fluid without checking labs and that Gloria could be dangerously anemic, coagulopathic and it’s not a good idea. As Ray tells Sam that Gloria doesn’t want any treatment and that they should respect that, Abby spots Luka and starts to head over. Sam, not happy with what they’re telling her, walks away, pissed.

Ray walks away just as Abby comes up and tells Luka that his favorite “skin popper” won’t let Abby IND her abscess. Luka, weirdly not looking at her and concentrating on a chart, tells her to just sign the patient out AMA and get her out of there. Abby protests, “Yeah, but she knows you … maybe if you could talk to her you can …”, but he cuts her off sharply, “No …”, as Abby looks at him, taken aback a little by his tone. What’s up with that? Luka get a bad crème rinse in the Salon or something? I could fix that for you, Luka. … Just saying … Finally looking at her, Luka says abruptly, “… We can’t keep convincing people to stay if they don’t want to be here”, then turns to walk away to Admit, telling her bitterly over his shoulder, “We can’t even take care of the ones we have …” Luka strides over to the board, saying loudly, “Okay, listen up … I’ve got re-assignments for all of you during the ER closing” as he picks up some papers and turns around, bending his right leg and putting his foot on the desk as he rests the paper on his knee and faces everyone who’s gathered around. Pratt wants to know how they can just be telling them this today, and I’m with you on that one, Pratt. Luka excuses that he thought he could prevent this, but Anspaugh’s not budging. Malik wants to know how long they’re shutting down for, and Luka admits that he’s not sure. Chuny bitches that she’s sure she’ll wind up giving enemas in Geriatrics, but Luka tells her, no, she’s going to ICU and that Malik is going to Geriatrics, which causes Chuny to chuckle at Malik’s expense. Nice, Chuny. Not looking up from his list, Luka starts calling out the departments that everyone is switching to, telling Pratt that he’s going to Family Medicine and then says, “Abby, you’re going to the NICU”. Abby, who’s looking down, negates this by saying matter-of-factly, drawing out the first syllable to show that there will be no argument, “I-I-I-I-I’m not going to the NICU”, nods then duck-lips as she looks up at Luka with an unwavering challenging “no way in hell that is going to happen” expression. Luka glances at her, then looks away as he says a quick “Right” and stammers awkwardly, “I’ll, uh, fix that …” Hee. Normally, I’d be all over the fact that apparently Abby’s got Luka’s balls again and she’s being disrespectful of his authority in front of everyone, but I don’t think that’s the case here. Abby’s looking away from Luka with a kind of sad expression on her face, like a combination of remembering what happened with both of her NICU experiences - especially the last one and how horrible it was when their son, Mongo Joe Kovac, or MoJo, spent the first weeks of his life in the NICU - and disappointment at Luka’s insensitivity at sending her back there. In his defense, as a boss, he’s probably remembering how Dr. Raab raved about how well Abby did on her NICU rotation and thought it would be a good placement for her, but as her live-in Shampoo Boy … Bitch … and father or her child, he maybe should have realized that place doesn’t exactly hold fond memories for her. And considering how very quickly his face changed from surprised to uncomfortable at her reaction, it seems that he did. I also have to wonder if Abby’s disappointment may also have come from not knowing about the ER closing either, because you would think that if she had she had known about the reassignments she’d have put in a request for where she’d want to go. And Abby’s again sporting those nice-sized diamond stud earrings that she had on in From Here to Paternity and that I’m convinced were a gift for Valentine’s Day from The Pretty, or else they were a prop for role-playing DeBeers’ Executive and her Diamond Miner … Either way -- Bitch … Luka continues that McEgo goes to Anesthesia, which is a good call seeing as he might as well make use of his talent for boring me to sleep, as Pratt glances over at Abby after this exchange with a “yeah, guess you get to make your own rules when you sleep with the boss” scowl and Ray smirks like he’s wondering where Abby’s keeping Luka’s balls. Timmy, the Desk Clerk who reminds me of Usher, asks where he’s going, as Abby is behind him, arms folded and grinning. Luka tells him “the cafeteria”, to which Usher’s all “the caf-a-what???” Doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule? Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes though don't they? Abby’s behind Usher laughing, though I’m not sure at what … Usher wants to know “Why don’t they just give me a jockey suit and set me out on the lawn”. Abby is totally cracking up, which is weird because she was doing it before he even said anything anywhere near humorous, and no one else is even remotely laughing, so I’m left wondering if she was supposed to be doing it and what Maura Tierney thought was so funny. Pratt asks if they get to keep the same shifts and Malik chimes in “Do we still get our choice of schedule?” Luka passes it off by telling them that they’ll have to talk to their supervisors about shift scheduling. Morris wants a straight answer and asks if they’re going to shut down the Residency and Luka tells him that these are just alternate rotations until the ER opens again. Ray, getting up to walk away, bitches that is what they told Residents at MLK in Los Angeles and now they’re scrambling for spots in other programs. He keeps walking even as Luka tries to say that their didactic programs with the Residents will continue and for the Attendings there will be some administrative duties to help correct the JC deficiencies. Pratt and Morris roll their eyes disgustedly at this as Luka continues that they’ll also be assigned clinical shifts in the Urgent Care Center. Morris gripes, “Great. Med refills, URI’s and back pain” as Luka walks away from the desk and Pratt gives him the evil eye behind his back, saying “I’ll bet we’re closing for good”. Morris thinks that something stinks and it’s “not the diarrhea in Four”. No, I’m pretty sure it’s the noxious gas of McEgo’s anesthesia, Morris.

Bettina, Radiology Woman, comes up asking “Who has Johnson?”, which totally cracked me up because I’m basically twelve and any euphemism for “penis” is really funny … Abby turns around and says “Oh, I do”, which made me laugh even harder because in addition to Luka’s balls, Abby’s apparently got that, too … Bitch … Bettina tells Abby that there’s no pneumonia but wants to know if she’s aware that “Johnson” has multiple rib fractures. Abby and the gum she’s chewing did know that as she tells Bettina that the kid plays rugby. A “how you doin’, baby?” smiling Pratt moves closer to Bettina, saying “So, guess who’s, um …” as Bettina shoots her eyes over towards Abby. Pratt turns to look at Abby pointedly, and Abby, knowing she’s not wanted while Pratt makes his move, smirks slightly at him and shuffles to the other side of the desk to review the x-ray report. Hee. Pratt wants Bettina to guess who’s going to Family Medicine, but she’s not playing, so he keeps trying to get his groove on and tells her that now he’ll not have to work nights or weekends so maybe she could come over for some dinner and they can “crack open a bottle”, as he raises his eyebrows suggestively at her. Bettina blows him off with a “yeah, maybe” and walks away. Morris sees her and calls after her that he saw her abstract on neuro-imaging and autism and he thinks it’s pretty cool stuff. Bettina’s all flattered and tells him that the paper’s coming out in Neuroscience next month, and he’s impressed though not surprised because she managed to enroll such a big cohort of autistic children. As Morris goes off about how great Bettina’s study was, Pratt rolls his eyes. Bettina’s blown away by the fact that Morris actually read it and Morris says that he sure did and asks that if she ever has time to talk about it more, that he’d love to chat, which is so not what Pratt is wanting to hear. Morris tells her that he’s looking for areas to focus clinical research in the ER and he’d be interested in collaborating with her department. Bettina’s all excited and asks Morris if he’s free for lunch tomorrow, which causes Pratt’s eyebrows to practically go to the back of his head. Morris thinks it sounds great and Bettina’s all smiles as she walks away, leaving Pratt to stand there and stare open-mouthed before turning to Morris and asking, “What just happened?” Hee.

Door buzzer sounds and Gates wheels in a gurney with a Klingon in full Klingon garb sitting on it. He calls over to the desk saying that it’s blunt trauma to the head and arms, assaulted with a baseball bat. That can’t be right, McEgo. Everyone knows that the Bat'leth and the D'k tahg are the traditional Klingon battle weapons of choice. As McEgo says that he’s alert, the Klingon starts doing the loud Klingon laugh. Abby starts to head over, telling Pratt and Morris that she’s got it. Morris says to put the Klingon in Trauma One then asks what happened. Sounding like he’s in pain and holding his left arm tightly against him, the Klingon explains that he was at a Sci Fi Convention and some Romulans started beating him. Probably because you’re not a real Klingon, you big wuss – Klingons don’t show pain! Morris calls for a c-collar as they start to move the gurney. Faux Klingon says that “He accused us inter-galactic rebel warriors of being inferior. He was just being uppity because Romulans are biological cousins of Vulcans”. And they have cool pointy ears with the Moe Howard haircuts, too. Morris says sarcastically, “Of course”. Abby, still chewing her gum and looking slightly amused, either at Faux’ predicament or she’s still got the giggles over whatever the hell it was she was laughing at before, asks Faux where his pain is. Faux says that it’s mostly his shoulder but his arm hurts, too. Abby wants to get a line in and get Faux some morphine and McEgo adds a c-spine film of Faux’s right shoulder and left forearm. Faux starts complaining “It hurts”, because he’s a big baby and obviously never made it through the Age of Ascension ritual and suffered the painstiks to be able to call himself a warrior. McEgo tells him that he’s dislocated his shoulder anteriorly. Faux wants to know if he’s going to die. Oh, Faux, there is no honor in dying from a bum shoulder. As they try to maneuver his gurney into the trauma room, it hits the side of the door, causing Faux to cry out in pain, and Abby flinches sympathetically before answering his stupid question, “Not today”. Today must not be a good day to die, Faux.

Sam walks into the Curtain Area to find Gloria’s bed empty, though her stuff is still there. She asks a bespectacled flattop-headed high school science teacher looking guy in the next bed if he’s seen Gloria and he bitches that “she stumbled off, so did my doctor. Can you find him?” Sam distractedly says that she’ll send someone over as she walks away and Flattop calls after her “Today? Next year? During Cinco de Mayo? When?” Shut up, Flattop! In this hospital, you should just count your blessings that you don’t have shit dripping on you from the ceilings while you wait. Sam asks Malik if he’s seen Gloria but he doesn’t even know who she is. Sam keeps walking and passes Chuny, who’s looking for some such supply and asks Sam if she’s seen it. Like Abby and her doctoring and chewing gum at the same time, Sam can simultaneously walk and be distracted yet still know where stuff is. She tells Chuny that the thing is packed up but that some mysterious “they” were supposed to have left one in the trauma room. Though maybe Sam’s not as proficient a supply whore as Abby is a gum-chewer, because when Chuny asks for something else, Sam tells her that she’s on her own.

Faux’ head is strapped down to the gurney now and he’s whining about how he gets that the Klingons used to be enemies of the Federation, then cries, “But we had nothing to do with that”. Jeez, that’s a serious faux pas, Faux – real Klingons don’t cry. Morris asks Faux to move his toes as Chuny hands Abby the x-rays. Morris touches Faux’ foot and asks if he can feel that, and Faux can. McEgo and the right bicep tattoo he’s got have never heard of “inter-galactic rebel warriors” and asks Faux what show that was on. Faux says that they’re still in the conceptual stage, but they’re about to land a deal. Oh, now I get it. Is this new show like that episode of Star Trek where they’re in a parallel universe and everything’s the same except they’re all on heroin and Klingons weep like little girls? Abby strokes McEgo’s McEgo by telling him that he’s right – it’s a right anterior shoulder dislocation. Chuny says that the c-spine is clear and McEgo says that there’s a nightstick fracture of the left ulna as Abby raises the head of Faux’ bed. Morris orders one hundred of propofol for a shoulder reduction. McEgo questions that and Morris says that he just got credentialed to use it. McEgo asks why they don’t try scapular manipulation to put it in without having to knock Faux out, as Abby glances over at Morris to see his reaction. Morris negates McEgo’s suggestion and says that reductions are much easier if you have good sedation. McEgo egos that sedation has risks. Morris starts to scoff at this as Luka bursts in, getting his boss man britches on and bitches that he needs Morris to dispo some patients and that they have a full Waiting Area and “the clock is ticking, c’mon”. Morris tells them to set up for the propofol and they’ll do the reduction when he gets back. He follows Luka out and McEgo lowers Faux’ bed, knocking off Abby, who was examining Faux’ ears. McEgo says they’ll get him prone so they can try the scapular manipulation as Abby just stares at him. Uh oh. McEgo once again proves he’s the new Carter because they did this exact same story in Season 7 in April Showers when Carter went against Luka’s orders not to do a shoulder reduction without medication. And Abby was in the middle of that pissing contest, too. But then again, they did the Sci Fi Convention thing in Season 7, too, in Mars Attacks, so I guess that they either once again are without continuity supervisors, ran out of storylines or else they figure no one who watched six seasons ago is still watching and if by chance they were, they wouldn’t remember anyway … Wrong again, ER … Abby, apparently thrown a bit by McEgo’s McEgo and that he’s directly going to go against his Attending, stammers that Morris said he wants to use sedation. McEgo egos that Morris is a “kid with a new toy”. Abby comes back at him, “Well, the kid’s the Attending, so even if you’re right, you have to talk to him about it”. McEgo tells her that they’ll try it and if it goes in easy, great and if not, they’ll try the propofol. Abby just stands there while McEgo McRolls Faux. Abby, aren’t you like a Third Year Resident, which means that you’re McEgo’s supervisor right now? And you’re just going to stand there and let him do what he wants? If you’ve got Luka’s balls, then who’s got yours?

Sam enters the Lounge and finds Gloria on a laptop, saying that she’s been looking all over for her. Gloria’s a bit frantic, saying that she has to get an airline ticket before the price goes up, and I am so with you on that one Gloria, considering those prices get jerked around on a daily basis. Bastards. Sam gets Gloria to come sit down, leading her to the sofa. Gloria says that she had malaria once and she didn’t feel as bad as this. Well, so did Luka, Gloria, and no offense, but he looked more like shit than you do right now. Sam tries to convince her to let them take some of the fluid from her belly so that it’ll be easier to breathe. Gloria gasps out that she just wants to get on the plane. Sam says she understands, but Gloria is breathless and pale and flight crews are trained to spot people like that. Gloria protests that she’ll wear blush. Sam ignores this and says that the paracentesis will only take a few minutes. Gloria tells her that she has friends in Costa Rica and they’re waiting for her and that it’s all planned out. Sam tells her that this is her only chance to get there and asks Gloria to trust her on this. Gloria taps her foot on the floor impatiently as she considers what Sam’s saying.

Luka and Morris are walking down the hall. Luka is telling him that the ICU has beds for their intubated patients. Morris says that there are only three step-down beds, but the others can go to Telemetry and hands Luka the charts. Luka says that they have eleven patients going to Medicine and they can use the GYN floor for overflow. Morris stops Luka before he enters a room and asks “What about the Waiting Room?” Luka tells him to send them to Urgent Care, then taps his watch as he says “The ER is closing at eight”. Hee … I love bitchy boss Luka … Morris turns and enters Trauma Yellow to find Faux laying face down on the gurney and McEgo leaning over him, asking “How do you say ‘this is going to hurt’ in Intergalactic Rebel Warrior?” as he pushes down on Faux’ shoulder and yanks his arm simultaneously. There’s a sickening crunching sound as Faux cries out in pain. Yuck. Morris yells “What the hell are you doing?”, startling Abby, who was wrapping Faux’ left arm. She and McEgo whip around to look at a none-too-happy Morris. Abby immediately throws the blame where it belongs, saying “He did it” and goes back to the wrapping. Morris is all “What???” and Abby informs him in a pointed tone, “Gates thought he’d try it this way …” McEgo, of course all McProud of himself, says that it worked, adding haughtily, “No need for propofol”. Morris wants to know who made that call and McEgo in a “I so don’t see what the problem is here” tone, exposits, “I did, and his shoulder’s back in”. Morris doesn’t think that’s the point and that he gave McEgo an order. McEgo shrugs this off, saying “So, do what a boss does. Take credit for my resourcefulness”, as Abby looks over to see Morris’ reaction. Morris tells McEgo that he’s writing him up. Abby gives a slight eyebrow raise and head tilt in appreciation of this before continuing her tennis match spectator impression and volleying her gaze back over to McEgo. McEgo asks snidely, “Why? Because my approach was better than the Attending’s?” Morris looks him up and down before telling him, “Go home. You’re done”, and heading out. Good for you, Morris. Looks like you are the one who has Abby’s balls. Abby looks over at McEgo with a sort of satisfied “told you so” face and lip purse. McEgo scowls after Morris because his head really is so swelled that there’s no room in there for deductive reasoning because he really can’t figure out what Morris is so upset about. And Abby, channeling one of my co-workers, was totally quick to throw McEgo under the bus about doing the procedure, but like in Season 7 with Carter only made a half-assed attempt at actually keeping him from doing it in the first place. If this were anyone but Abby, I’d be pretty sure this would come back to bite them in the ass …

After commercial, McEgo follows Morris down the hall, bitching that Morris can’t send him home. Morris keeps right on truckin’, telling him, “You should have thought of that before, Cowboy”. McEgo says he just helped a guy without sedation, but Morris corrects him “You went against my orders”. McEgo protests dramatically, “Oh, come on, Morris”. Morris tells him that he’s supposed to be a soldier, and McEgo says that he is, “a real one”, but he could have fooled Morris. McEgo thinks Morris is acting like he killed the guy, but Morris is sick and tired of McEgo not taking orders and starts rattling off all the crap McEgo’s done since he’s gotten there: placed a subclavian line without supervision, tapped a VP shunt without even calling NeuroSurg, overrode an Attending to give digibine to a guy that was already brain dead. McEgo can’t believe Morris is keeping score. Morris continues that McEgo transposes numbers, falsifies charts, and is “slow as hell with documentation”. McEgo thinks Morris sounds like a “high school girlfriend”. Really? You actually had a live one of those in high school and just an inflatable? Huh … Morris gets in his face and tells him “And still, you act like you’re God’s gift to medicine”. Christ, it’s not just hyperbole -- McEgo really is the new Carter – he’s even sporting Carter’s patented Sanctimonious Smirk of Condescending Righteousness. McUgh. God, I so just want to slap him. He just keeps doing it as Morris goes off about how McEgo thinks he’s too good to seek advice or need help. I can tell from the look on Morris’ face that he wants to smack the shit out of him, too. Morris channels Ice Man from Top Gun and tells McEgo, “You’re arrogant and dangerous and I’ve had enough … We all have … Go home!” Still smirking, McEgo asks where Luka is. Jesus, you’re a freakin’ asshole. Go ahead and cry to Luka – considering how much he hated and didn’t put up with this shit when Carter did it as a Resident, I totally doubt he’s going to side with you. Morris tells him that this is his call, not Luka’s. McEgo nods patronizingly and in a “we’ll just see about that” dismissive tone says, “Okay” and walks away. Pratt comes up and asks Morris what that was all about and Morris says that he sent McEgo home. Pratt says that he tried that once, and Morris adds, “Yeah, but this time he’s getting a letter in his file” and heads off.

Ray is putting in some stitches as he asks some sourpuss’ed woman, “So, how did you cut your leg?” Sourpuss doesn’t reply at first as she looks at Ray suspiciously before looking all around and answering that she was trying to “get the chip” out. Ray plays along and asks her what kind of chip. Still looking around, she replies, “A neurogenic biomatrix nano silicate chip”. Ray looks up at her like “who the, what the?” Sourpuss stares at him and says in all seriousness, “The aliens put it there”. Sourpuss the Psycho. Hey, Sourpuss, if you’re into guys with forehead ridges who cry like babies, I’m sure that Faux would be able to get out of his parents’ basement, borrow the car, or “Bird of Prey” starship as it were, and beam on over to your galaxy for some warp speed turbo thrusting and a hot game of hide the Tribble … Just make sure that you (a) rest up beforehand because space travel can be a real bitch, (b) that you have a working dilithium shield with you, and (c) that you have a good cleansing Vulcan MindMeld for memory retention – we wouldn’t want one night drunk on Klingon Bloodwine and Warnog to come back to haunt you, now would we? … Ray smirks and asks if the aliens did anything else to her. Sourpuss gives him a “duh” look and says “Not that I didn’t consent to” … Hee … Like she’s leveling with him, Sourpuss tells him that “they” want her to go back and report her findings. Not looking at her, probably to avoid laughing in her face, Ray whispers, “Really?” and Sourpuss says that she’s willing to give them a report. Getting really agitated, Sourpuss goes all P-a-r-a-noid as she shouts, “But I don’t want them tracking me!” … Then she asks Ray, “You inherit five million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in two days. What do you do?” … Except, not … Ray calls over to Sam and asks her to page Psych for a consult. Sam looks off and points, telling him “Katie’s already down here” as Ray looks over and finds his until-he-mashed-with-Neela fuck-friend Katie the Med Student, who reminds me of Phoebe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Ray sighs as he realizes that he’s going to have to go talk to her.

Sam goes over to the Curtain Area to tell Gloria that they’re going to move her to Exam Three to do the procedure. Sam shows her a piece of paper and tells her that she’s all set and has one ticket to Costa Rica tomorrow. Gloria smiles and asks Sam if she’s ever been to Costa Rica and Sam says, “Only on the Discovery Channel”. Hee. Was that Survivorman, Sam? At least that’s a real show about survival and not one of those ones where they take celebrity has-beens looking to revive their careers and put them in contrived situations and slap the descriptor “reality” on it … And I’m with you on being all about the rugged adventurer type rather than the extremes of doughy-faced paunchiness or unhealthily-borderline anorexia that the male D-listers seem to embody on these shows … Gloria tells Sam that it’s where her dad bought her first camera for her. How sweet. Sam helps her get into a wheelchair as Gloria continues that her family lived there for six months when she was 15 and that it was “magical”, and that it’s really beautiful there with the sunsets and the beaches. Because Sam’s got men on the mind, she thinks it sound very romantic. Gloria says it’s where she met Paul, as she fingers a necklace she’s wearing that must have been a gift from him. She says that “Paul’s” a journalist with the BBC and that he’s the only guy the ever “got” her. Sam wants to know if Paul’s going to meet her there and Gloria tells her that Paul died in Baghdad where he was embedded with a Marine unit that drove over an IED. I’m sorry, Gloria … That’s horrible. Sam’s sorry, too. Gloria says sadly, “Sorry … yeah … he never had to see it …”

Phoebe and Ray are standing on opposite sides of Sourpuss’ bed. Sourpuss has the covers pulled over her head and is crying. Ray leads Phoebe away and asks her what she thinks. Phoebe thinks that Sourpuss should go on a 72-hour hold, and that since Sourpuss cut her leg open, she’s a danger to herself. Oh, too bad, Sourpuss … Guess you won’t be partaking of the Klingon Mating Ritual after all … Ray thinks Sourpuss is a “crazy bird” and Phoebe laughs bitterly, “Aren’t we all”. She tells him that her best friend thinks she’s nuts sitting around waiting for him to call, as we see Sourpuss has pulled the blanket down to her nose and is peeking at them. Hee. Ray says that he’s sorry, but Phoebe’s the one who’s sorry, because “the moment I jump in the pool, you get out”. Ray starts to protest, but Phoebe’s on the phone to Psych so he has to stifle it. As she waits to hear if Psych has any beds available, Phoebe tells Ray “I pulled out my best for you”. Your best what? Best impression of a peevishly pouting pissily petulant pre-teen pantywaist? Because you’ve totally nailed that … Ray looks around and lowers his voice, telling her not to get him wrong, “the sex was great”. Nice, Ray. This is so an appropriate workplace convo. Though I guess at this hospital, it probably is … Phoebe bitches that she’s not talking about the sex … Right, guess you didn’t think it was as hot as Ray seems to, huh, Phoebe, considering you’d admonished him previously in a too-much-information scenario when you said he needed to move his hips more … Phoebe tells Psych that she’ll bring Sourpuss right up as Ray admits in a chastised tone that he should have called her, but Phoebe thinks that’s an understatement because Ray “dropped off the face of the Earth” – even though they work in the same building and she could have wandered down to find him any old time. Drama Queen. Ray tells her that he knows it was wrong, but Phoebe thinks it was more than wrong, that it was “wussy, immature, and tenth grade-ish”. Yeah, okay, Phoebe. Like your own behavior is the epitome of maturity and not taken directly from an episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation. God, she’s annoying. Phoebe confronts him, “What happened? You start dating Neela or something?” Ray unconvincingly tries to laugh this off, but Phoebe see right through him. He asks if they can talk about this but Phoebe doesn’t think there’s anything to talk about because “You’re stupid … and I’m done”, as she makes a quick getaway so that she doesn’t get detention for being late for Gym Class …

Luka’s walking down the hall with Uncle Ego, asking him pointedly, “Did Morris tell you not to do the procedure?” McEgo “yes, but” ‘s him and tries to make excuses that scapular manipulation doesn’t pose any real risks, but Luka’s got his got his manager on and berates the Ego, “That’s not the point”. McEgo tries to interject that he saved Faux from having to be sedated but Luka’s gotten all hot and bothered and in turn has done the same to me with his absolutely alluring authoritarianism … Yum … and comes down on him, “Doesn’t matter. You were out of line and now you’re going over his head to me”. You go, Beautiful Boss Man. McEgo egos that his way was better and it doesn’t merit being written up. Luka crushes the Ego with, “Actually, it does. When an Attending tells you to do something you do it or discuss it”. McEgo attempts to scoff at that “Oh, come on, Dr. Ko -- …” but Luka cuts him in a no-nonsense tone, “And now you’re going to go home and think about that, okay?”, as Morris, who’s standing at Admit next to Abby, watches this exchange with interest. A pissed off McEgo glares at Luka, but Luka’s already turned his attention away, leaving McEgo to head off to go McLick his McWounds.

Luka walks up to Admit, staring at Morris. A nervous Morris wants to know if he’s in trouble, as Luka walks past and addresses him, “Morris”, before giving him a verbal pat on the back with, “That’s one of the best moves you’ve ever made”. Hee. It so is, Morris. Morris is all happy and starts gloating that he knew it. Pointing in the direction McEgo went, Morris says, “He can’t go against me”, then pointing in the direction of Abby, who’s just moved to get something in front of Luka, adds, “He shouldn’t even be able to go against Residents”. This is news to Luka who questions, “There was a Resident in the room?” Uh oh, Abby. Not looking up from her paperwork, Abby says, “Uh, let’s leave me out of it …”, but Morris jumps in, telling her that she should have stopped McEgo. Abby turns to Morris with her back to Luka and makes a “yeah, right” face as she protests, “Oh please, like he’s going to listen to me. He doesn’t even listen to you”. Morris, still on his power trip rush, gets all high and mighty and tells her “Well, maybe I should send you home, too”. In a totally mocking tone, Abby says, “O-o-o-kay” as she squares off and looks at Morris with a “I’m so loving this, let’s just see you try it when standing right behind me is my 6’4” totally pussy-whipped Shampoo Boy, whose balls might as well just be fuzzy dice on my rearview mirror for all he’s going to get them back” expression, while over her shoulder Luka raises his eyebrows and gives a “Well, I can’t wait to hear this” face as he looks at Morris. Hee. Scowling at Abby, Morris glances up to find Luka watching him. Camera switches back to show that Abby and Luka are hilariously sporting that exact same expectant expression as they wait to see what Morris is going to do. Hee. That is too funny and a pretty neat trick that without even looking at each other they are wearing the same face. Seeing Luka, Morris starts to lose his nerve and backs down, telling Abby “Well …well … not today”. Abby gives him a “I knew you couldn’t do it” grin. Morris, attempting to preserve at least some of his air of authority and his dignity, tries to be all stern as he wags his finger at her, “But, I’ll do it, Abby … Don’t test me …” Abby and Luka watch him walk away, again both having identical amused looks and smirks on their faces. The fact that they can do that has me wondering whether it’s a coincidental occurrence, or if Goran Visnjic and Maura Tierney rehearsed this, or if the facial mimicry is just a by-product of having worked together for so long and knowing each other so well. Whatever way it is, it totally works for this scene. Abby starts to turn around. Seeing this, Luka quickly loses the grin and just stares at her, all business-like. Hee. Abby chuckles a little at his look, and in an “oh, come on now” tone tries to minimize what happened by passing it off as not being life-threatening. In managerial mode now, Luka strikes his best disciplinarian pose and tells her that it doesn’t matter and that Morris is the Attending and it’s his decision. Luka walks away leaving Abby to roll her eyes and raise her eyebrows with a “yeah, okay, we’ll just see who’ll be doling out the discipline when we get home tonight” smirk before heading away. Hee. Cute scene.

Ray swabs some betadine on Gloria’s belly, prepping for the paracentesis. Gloria runs through the list of stuff that she’s taking to Costa Rica to Sam, saying that she’s got her Coltrane, her Margaret Bourke-White books, and the timer for her camera. Ray thinks she seems at peace, and Gloria agrees, saying that she’s got no more stresses, just going to cook and drink wine on the beach. And that so sounds like the way to go, Gloria. Sam hangs an IV and Gloria asks her if it’s necessary. Sam says that it’s a precaution for the invasive procedure. Gloria protests that she said no blood, and Ray tells her that it’s just platelets and that her count is a little low. Gloria asks if she’s still going to get out of there, and Sam promises her she will. Luka enters and says approvingly that the platelets are running and the belly’s prepped, and Ray tells him that the lido is drawn up and ready. Gloria asks Sam to get her film to her publisher, and to give her camera to “Yolanda”. Sam asks who Yolanda is as she lowers the head of Gloria’s bed. Gloria says that Yolanda is a girl she mentors in a photography program. As Luka injects the lido, he tells Gloria there’s going to be a little sting so that she doesn’t feel the big needle. Luka asks for the vitals and Ray says that Gloria is a little tachy but the BP’s good. Luka dumps the tiny needle into the red receptacle that Ray’s holding then grabs the – Holy Shit, that’s a big needle!!! Yikes. Luka tells Gloria that she’s going to feel some pressure as he starts to push the needle in. Luka keeps pushing and pushing and the needle goes deeper and deeper … I’m all for Luka pushing and pushing, deeper and deeper, but with not with that needle … Yuck … He says “that’s it” and Ray hands him a tube. Luka tells him that if the bottle fills up, clamp the tubing before he switches to an empty one and Ray says that he’s got it. Gloria tells Sam that she needs to see if she has enough miles to upgrade, because “why scimp on your last plane ride”. Hee. Even with a humongous needle in her stomach, Gloria’s all about the quips. Ray tells Luka that Gloria refused the morphine and Luka replies, “Okay … The painful part is over anyway”, as we see the bottle that Ray’s holding start to fill. Lovely. The fluid start to turn red and Ray tells Luka that it’s bloody, but Luka thinks that just a little shouldn’t be a problem. Gloria starts to get real loopy and says that she feels “weird” as the monitor starts beeping. Sam rubs Gloria’s sternum and calls her name as Luka looks to see the EKG spiking. Sam calls for the crash cart, but Luka just looks at her. Sam starts saying frantically “Come on, Diana!” as Ray reminds her that Gloria’s DNR. Sam doesn’t want to hear that because they talked her into this so they at least have to get her back to where she was when she walked in there. Luka disagrees and tells her flat-out, “No crash cart. No CPR”, as Sam looks at him pleadingly. Luka tells her to give Gloria another liter of NS and to lower the head of the bed. Sam looks down sadly at Gloria as she checks her neck pulse, then looks up at Luka with a “I can’t believe you’re just going to stand there and let this happen” expression. Sam lowers Gloria’s bed, biting on her lip out of frustration because she knows that Luka’s right and she can’t do a damn thing about it.

After commercial, Gloria’s money’s for nothing because she’s still in dire straits. Sam says that the BP’s 88/45 and Luka says disgustedly, “Damn it” and murmurs something else that I don’t catch because I’m too busy appreciating The Pretty getting his doctor on like the finely tuned instrument he is … Yum … but it’s some medical term that sounds like “I took care of ya” … And you sure do take care of me, Luka … Just saying … Luka, weirdly barking out the orders in a pretty rushed tone for a patient who’s DNR, calls for “Another liter of NS and VC the platelets … Now!” Is he doing what Sam wanted after all? What is it with Luka letting his current and former lovers boss him around? Or did Sam just hold on to part of his balls after they broke up in the event of just this type of emergency? Jeez … Ray says that there are crackles at the bases. Gloria starts to wake up and Sam raises the head of the bed as Luka orders 50 of benadryl and to get Gloria on the non-rebreather. Gloria asks Sam what happened and Sam tells her, while sneaking looks at Luka, that she had a bad reaction to some of the blood products. Ray says that he’s going to start another line, but Gloria says that she doesn’t want that, and that she doesn’t want any of this. Ray tells her that she dropped her pressure and that she has no choice, but Gloria says that she does and tells him to stop. Ray looks up at Sam, who says that they need a way to get Gloria fluids fast. Gloria looks over at her, protesting. Luka wants Gloria to listen to him because this is very serious and can be life-threatening. Ray adds, “Especially in your condition”. Gloria wants to know what it is about hospitals, this “toxic environment” and that “everybody gets worse here”. Luka calls for 150 of methylpred and to have epi at the bedside. Sam tries to assure Gloria that it’s going to be okay, but even she doesn’t sound too convinced. Gloria doesn’t believe her either, and says that she doesn’t think she’s going to be okay. Ray asks Luka if he wants him to start a subclavian, but Luka says that Gloria is coagulopathic. Luka wants to give the meds a chance to kick in and then they can reassess. Luka tells Gloria to “hang in there” and tells her that he’ll come and check on her soon, but instead of gazing lovingly at that face of such beauty and getting incredibly excited and appreciative about the prospect of further physical examinations performed by him as I so would be, Gloria’s head is turned and she’s a million miles away. Luka, not knowing what else to say, turns and leaves. Sam looks at him and then away, lost in thought herself over what’s just happened.

Ray and Luka exit into the hallway, Ray saying that “Sam shouldn’t push that” but Luka seems to understand why she did because he replies, “It was Diana’s only chance to get on that plane”. They continue walking as Morris comes down the steps behind them, calling out to Luka and hurrying to catch up. Morris says that people are asking “about this dinner thing”, but Luka ignores this and tells Morris to tell Chuny to officially close them to trauma. Morris won’t let it go and wants to know how they are affording such a fancy place, adding “It’s not Ladokern, is it?” Luka, still looking and writing on his chart as he walks, tells Morris not to worry about it. Ray wants to know if Luka’s gotten “in bed” with a pharmaceutical company. Watch it, Ray. If Luka’s getting “in bed” with anyone, it’s going to be me … And I guess Abby, seeing as they do live together … Bitch … Luka’s annoyed that they keep harping on this and says exasperatedly, “Guys, c’mon! We’ve got a lot of work to do”. Morris pleads with him, “Say it isn’t so … They’re Satan … Trust me, I know”. Hee. But, seriously, Luka – what is the deal with this dinner? The fact that everybody keeps commenting on it means there’s got to be something weird about it. What gives?

Pratt and some typical paramedic types are wheeling in an unconscious fourteen year old with altered mental status and respiratory distress. There’s another kid walking alongside the gurney, saying that they were walking home from rehearsal and Unconscious Kid said that his back hurt and then he just sat down and “stopped making sense”. Oh, maybe it’s rabies, since everyone knows that John Stamos Has Rabies and McRoadkill’s never made any sense … Unconscious starts murmuring “Please …” and then something unintelligible. Pratt asks Ray to give him a hand and they start to wheel Unconscious down the hall. Pratt asks Gurney Walker what Unconscious’ name is and Gurney says, “Dimitri”. Ray wants to know if Dimitri has any medical problems but Gurney doesn’t know. Pratt starts rubbing Dimitri’s sternum, trying to get him to wake up.

In Trauma Yellow, they transfer Dimitri to the table. Ray says that the sat’s only 76 and Pratt asks if he’s sure that it’s picking up, but Malik says that it is and they’ve got good waveform. Pratt leans Dimitri forward so he can listen to his lungs and says that they’ve got shallow resps, decreased at the bases and says “throw me the bag”. Ray wants to know if Dimitri took any medicine, but Gurney says that they’re in Orchestra together but they’re not really friends. Ray asks if Dimitri’s parents were called and Malik says that Usher’s doing it as Gurney never takes his eyes off Dimitri. Pratt bags Dimitri as Malik says that the pulse is thready and he’s tachy at 125. Gurney just keeps on staring. Ray wants to know if they took any drugs, but Gurney says they don’t mess with that. Ray then wants to know if Dimitri fell or whether they got in a fight, but Gurney says that Dimitri just passed out. Ray scowls skeptically at him. Pratt says that they’re going to need to tube him and calls for the stuff as he lowers the head of the bed. Pratt barks out orders for a bunch of tests and tells Malik to let surgery know that they need to come down here for a trauma evaluation. Gurney starts protesting that it’s not his fault, “I swear”. Pratt and Ray just look at him for a second because no one had said a word accusing him. Nice move, Gurney. Don’t you know that when you publicly supply more information than what was asked for, you just implicate yourself and open up absolutely everything you say to scrutiny? Maybe you’d better call a lawyer … or at least a competent publicist … Both of whom would advise you to just shut the fuck up and say “No comment” … Dumb ass … Ray calls for an ABG and then looks over at Gurney, trying to figure out what he did.

In the locker room, McEgo is angrily throwing stuff into his locker like the huge infant that he is. He’s still there? And I thought it took forever for Carter to leave … Jeez … Neela comes in to find him in the middle of his tantrum. She says that he didn’t call her this morning, but no surprise, he’s all into himself so doesn’t hear a word she says and shouts over, “What?” She repeats that he didn’t call her back, but his momentary lapse into recognizing that other people exist is over and he starts grumbling, “Morris is such a little bitch”. Hee. Neela asks what happened and McEgo bitches that the bitch is sending him home as he pulls off his scrub shirt. Great. Now I’m subjected to half-naked Roadkill … Lovely … Thankfully, it was just a brief glimpse until he pulled his t-shirt back down, so I don’t think there’s any permanent damage was done to my retinas. Neela asks him, “What did you do?” Hee. All self-righteous in his pissy party, he says “I reduced a shoulder, that’s what I did!” Neela doesn’t get it. McEgo comes over to her, ego-ing that he was trying to do what’s right for the patient and Morris shows up and pulls this “big power trip”. I guess that’s why McEgo’s so pissed – “power trips” are his thing, and ain’t nobody going to infringe on his territory … McSchmuck … Neela, seeing what this is all about, says levelly, “So you went against him”. McEgo doesn’t think that’s the point. Neela smirks as her beeper goes off, and chuckles, “Well, it kind of is”. Hee. McEgo starts to protest that it “kind of isn’t”, but then holds his hand up to her and says that he doesn’t want to talk about it and is all pouty, “Forget it”. Neela doesn’t know why he just doesn’t tell Morris that he’s sorry. Yeah, okay, Neela. Like THAT would ever happen. As he’s grabbing his stuff and putting it in his bag, McEgo, of course, is not sorry. Neela doesn’t understand why he’s being like this and asks him “So what?” and he tells her that he’s “not a kiss ass”. Well, unless it’s your own ass that you’re kissing that is, right, McEgo? Neela can’t believe that he would want to get written up. McEgo doesn’t think that Morris has the balls to write him up. Well, yeah he does, McEgo – especially since it seems he’s got Abby’s balls today … Dawn comes in and hands Neela a note, telling her that “Since you’ve been ignoring Dr. Crenshaw’s pages, he asked me to read this to you …’Get your ass into the trauma room … now’ …” Hee … Neela tells McEgo that she’s got to go and starts to follow Dawn out. Because she had been wanting to get in touch with him and therefore why she was so obviously has to be all about him, McEgo’s of course curious as to what she wanted to say to him. Neela tells him “Nothing … I’ll call you later”. Yeah, because that’s worked so well in the past for you, Neela. At the door, Neela turns around and admonishes him, “Just go apologize to Morris” … Hee …

Pratt intubates Dimitri. Ray looks at the lab report and tells Pratt that the blood gas is “ugly” and that PH is only 7.02. Gurney wants to know what that means, and Pratt says that Dimitri may have taken something that is making him acidotic, which is when there is an abnormal increase in the acidity of the body's fluids, caused either by accumulation of acids or by depletion of bicarbonates. Thanks, FreeDictionary.com. Ray calls Gurney “Todd”, which is the first that we’ve heard that name so thanks for filling us in Ray, and says that it’s very important that “Todd” tell them the truth. Ray asks him if they took any pills. Todd says that he told them that they were at Orchestra practice all day. Again with the answering things not asked of you, Todd. Ray just shoots him a look. Pratt puts an x-ray up on the viewer as Malik says that he can’t bag Dimitri above 80. Pratt says that it’s because of “this” and points to the x-ray. Ray looks up and says, “Yikes. What is that? Pneumonia?” as the Beating Belting Ballade of Todd’s Odd Façade plods. Pratt thinks that pneumonia seems unlikely without a fever but they’ve got to cover it and orders 750 of ceftriaxone as Neela and Chief Surgical Resident Dustin Crenshaw, aka Moby for his shiny chrome dome, enter the room. Moby is sarcastically bitching at Neela that it “hurts” him when she ignores his pages and it truly wounds him to the core. Talk about little bitches … Moby and Neela come over to look at the x-ray with Pratt and Ray, and Pratt fills them in on Dimitri’s status. Malik says that the hemoglobin is 6.2. Neela says it’s a pulmonary hemorrhage and Moby and Pratt concur. Moby asks if there’s a history of trauma, but Ray says they still don’t know and “his buddy” is not being too helpful. Todd doth protest too much with “I told you, I don’t know anything!” Pratt confronts him that if he knows something, he’s got to tell them right now. Looking like a deer caught in the headlights, Todd looks around at them then turns and hurries out the door. Ray chases after him as Moby calls for the sonosite and Neela asks for a chest tube tray.

Ray runs down the hall after Todd. He catches him, grabbing him by the shirt and demanding to know what Todd did to Dimitri. Todd tries to say that he didn’t do anything, but Ray’s not having it and gets in his face asking, “Oh yeah? Then why are you running?” Todd looks down with an “oh, shit” expression and Ray presses him, asking if he knows that Dimitri could die. Todd looks like he didn’t expect that and asks quietly, “He could?” Oh, man. This is not going to be good … Ray wants to know if Todd did something to Dimitri. Looking scared, Todd says, “I wanted the solo”. Holy shit … Ray stares at him as this sinks in, finally asking, “What did you do?” Like a little kid when he gets his hand caught in the cookie jar, Todd starts babbling that he had been praying for Dimitri to get sick … Yeah, well, Todd, I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad every time I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah … Todd continues that when that didn’t happen, he remembered an experiment that they did in science class where he saw what happened to sulfur when you heated it up, so he figured eating it couldn’t be good … Oh, my God … Ray can’t believe what he’s hearing. He asks Todd if he put it in Dimitri’s food … … It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer, Todd … But Todd’s on a roll with the excuses and says that their school orchestra goes to Milwaukee tomorrow and that he just wanted to play the solo, he didn’t mean for all of this to happen … Jesus … Because he was caught, Todd’s all “I’m sorry” but Ray just gives him a “way too late for that, buddy” look … Wow, who knew those band geeks could be so cutthroat?

Luka is sitting beside an oxygen-mask wearing Gloria, who’s sitting up in her bed. He tells her that he’s sorry this didn’t go the way she wanted. Gloria removes the mask and asks him why he didn’t just sign her out. Instead of telling her about his lack of balls, Luka just looks down as she goes on that she has a plane to catch. He shakes his head as he tells her that she can leave but nothing’s changed, the flight crew’s not going to let her on that plane. She wants to know why, but Luka doesn’t answer that. Instead he tells her that they can send her home and hospice can bring her pain medications. She doesn’t get it because she’s not in pain. Luka says that he knows she’s not right now, but being perfectly frank with her, he tells her that sometimes when people die this way they get really uncomfortable. God, that so sucks, Gloria. Gloria wants to know why they can’t do another paracentesis, but Luka again shakes his head before telling her that they can’t risk her bleeding. Gloria just stares at him, the realization that she no longer has any control over the way she’s going to die sinking in. Sounding broken, she asks of no one in particular why she just can’t fall asleep and not wake up. This is so sad. Still being completely upfront with her, he reminds her that she’s seen this before and that it doesn’t always work that way. Gloria looks around, tears filling her eyes as she tries not to cry. Luka levels with her that the fluid in her body is going to continue to build up and as it does it will compress her lungs, making it harder for her to breathe, as she nods along with what he’s saying, knowing all this. She states, “I’ll feel like I’m drowning” as Luka looks at her compassionately because he knows that’s exactly what will happen and how it will feel to her. Oh, man … How terrifying …

Sam is in the overcrowded Waiting Area, telling the would-be patients that they’re not going to be able to get to everyone before the ER closes. A total doofus asks her nasally, “What about my headache? It could be a brain tumor”. Nah, don’t worry about that, Doofus. I know they tend to recycle stories on this show but given the multi-year span of the Tumor That Chewed Up The Scenery Then Mistakenly Left Carter To Set The Tone In The ER Which Only Succeeded In Dragging The Show Down Until Both He and His Hair Realized That They’d Overstayed Their Welcome And Both Finally Disappeared, I doubt they’ll revisit that anytime soon. A woman for whom the term “Way Too Much Information” was invented tells us that she can’t wait until next week because she’s got the “mother of all yeast infections”. Yuck. Morris is sorry to hear that. Not half as sorry as I am, Morris. Ugh … He tells her that she’ll have to go find a doctor somewhere else, and hands out a list of local clinics. Uh, I think WTMI Lady needs to go far away, Morris. Far, far away ... I hear Carter’s got a couple of clinics going on in Africa, WTMI … Just saying … A pissed off guy comes up to Morris asking how long the ER will be closed, but Morris says that they don’t know. To save Morris and the audience from the incessant whining of these Waiting Room Mutants, Dumar rushes in saying that they need a room. Morris bitches at him that the ER’s closed and that they know that. Luka walks up, carrying a coffee cup and Dumar tells him that they’ve got to take this, but Luka thinks that they can’t and tells Dumar to turn around and go to Good Shepherd. Dumar tells him, “No, listen … It’s Dr. Pratt’s brother”, as Morales comes in supporting Chaz, who can barely stand up. Morales tells Luka that Chaz “kind of overdid it”. Luka checks his eyes as Chaz starts mumbling incoherently. Luka asks what happened and Dumar says that it was “Happy Hour Overload”. Jeez, you must be a lightweight, Chaz, since that’s a daily occurrence for me … Morris calls for a gurney and Sam tells Luka that Trauma Two’s open. Luka dismisses her saying that they’ve got this one and to go give the Nursing Report on Gloria because they got a bed for her upstairs, as Pissed Off Guy complains to Luka that his “appendix is bursting”. Sam stares at Luka with a “what the hell” expression and shakes her head as she tells him that Gloria’s going home. Luka corrects her that Gloria wants to be admitted. Sam can’t believe it. As they walk into the ER, she again shakes her head and tells him definitively, “No … she’s not dying here”. Luka doesn’t want to hear it and tells her dismissively, “Sam, just make the call … Okay?” Sam shoots him a look as Dawn comes up and tells her that she’s got a bunch of kids doing “fence plowing”. Sam wants to know what the hell that is, so Dawn tells her that it’s when a bunch of knuckleheads run full-speed into a fence trying to break it. Nice. Freakin’ idiots. Dawn wants to know if they have time to treat them and Sam says to hurry up because they have to be out of there in an hour. Sam comes upon Pratt, who, along with some random orderly, is wheeling Dimitri’s gurney with Todd in his usual spot walking alongside. She tells Pratt that he’s got to get to Trauma Two and that his brother’s there. Pratt says he knows and that Chaz is working, but Sam fills him in that Chaz is drunk. Pratt’s all “What???” but Sam’s already walked away. Ray comes up and tells a distracted Pratt that Dimitri’s parents called and that he’s got Sickle Cell. Pratt’s eyes widen at this and he asks if Ray’s kidding, but of course he’s not. Ray says that it at least makes sense. Pratt says it means that the white out on the x-ray means acute chest syndrome. Todd wants to know what that is, but Pratt’s says that Ray will explain everything as he heads to go see Chaz. The elevator dings so Ray and Todd load Dimitri’s gurney on there. Guess it’s a good thing Todd was there to help, huh, Ray, given that Random Orderly seems to have vanished into thin air.

Sam enters Gloria’s Exam Room and tells her that she just spoke with Luka. Gloria tries to tell her that it’s okay, but Sam doesn’t think it is. Gloria says that it’s fine, but Sam thinks it isn’t what Gloria wants and says “The hospital vortex … You said it yourself”. Sam says that she’ll take Gloria home and they’ll tell her friends to meet her there instead. Not looking at Sam, Gloria shakes her head and keeps saying “It’s okay … It’s okay”, but Sam doesn’t believe that. Getting upset, Gloria admits to her, “Sam, look … Actually, there is no one, okay? …” Uh oh … In a tearfully shaken voice she says that her whole life, she always just did her “thing” and didn’t really develop any relationships and she doesn’t have any kids. Oh, how sad is this? Sam, realizing that Gloria is completely alone in this world, nods and tells her quietly but firmly, “Okay … But you are still not doing this here … Not like this”. Gloria, really crying now, pleads, “Sam … I can’t … Now, look at me … I can’t do this alone”. Sam just watches her as we go to commercial.

In Trauma Green, Pratt and Morris are working on Chaz. Chuny calls out that the pulse ox is dropping. Pratt is listening to the chest and says that the breath sounds are equal. Morris rubs Chaz’ sternum and calls his name for him to wake up. Pratt bitches at Dumar and Morales, “Have one beer … Hell, have four beers … But fifteen shots of tequila???” Yikes. Dumar tries to explain that it’s a paramedic tradition, but Pratt’s having none of it, “Tradition, my ass! What the hell were you guys thinking???” Morris says that the sat’s only 89 and that Chaz needs a tube, but Pratt negates this and calls for 15 liters of O2 by mask. Morris doesn’t think that will work if Chaz is hyperventilating. Still pissed, Pratt keeps on at the paramedics, “What are you guys, frat boys? You see people die from alcohol poisoning all the time”, as he checks Chaz’ airway. He tells Morris that Chaz still has a gag, but Morris says, “Barely”. Pratt keeps trying to get Chaz to wake up. Morris tells him that the GCS is training down and so are the sat’s and that they need to tube him, but Pratt still thinks Chaz is arousable. Chaz opens his eyes and mumbles, and Pratt tells Morris, “See that? He’s talking”. Morris calls for an 8-0 tube, but Pratt gets in his face that he’s not intubating his brother. Morris won’t back down and tells Pratt that once Chaz aspirates it’s going to be a mess and it’s easy to extubate him later, but Pratt says that he’s not putting his brother on a vent. He tells Chuny they’re going to place an NG and evacuate Chaz’ stomach so he can’t aspirate. Morris just looks at Pratt as he says that it’s just going to make Chaz vomit. Yeah, Chaz, where’s your urge to purge? Pratt starts shaking Chaz vigorously, looking at Dumar and Morales as he’s saying that Chaz had better wake up or he swears to God he’s going to kill them. Dumar and Morales look rightfully scared because it’s obvious that Pratt is totally serious. Chaz finally starts to come around. When he can finally focus, he looks at Pratt and says “… Sorry …” Morris looks at the monitors and says that the sat’s up to 92. Pratt is visibly relieved and let’s out the breath he seemed to have been holding. Morris says to put Chaz on a non-rebreather as Pratt moves to the phone to call for a MedSurg bed, watching Chaz with a “thank God” expression.

Sam and her lovely leather jacket are wheeling Gloria into an apartment. She’s totally impressed as she tells Gloria how nice it is. No, Sam, what’s nice is what you are doing for this woman you barely know. It’s obvious that you are with her so she won’t be alone and so that she can die at home – what an incredibly kind and compassionate thing to do. And I’ve rarely said this but it just has to be done … Bravo, Sam … Sam thinks Gloria’s place is “very chic”. She closes the door behind her as the camera pulls back to reveal a little more of the apartment. Large photographs Gloria took of the hospice patients and other works are mounted on the walls. As Sam takes Gloria’s stuff from her, she looks around at the photos, asking if Gloria did all of them. Gloria says that she did most of them, some were done by friends. Sam teases her that she thought Gloria had no friends. Gloria, who’s got a nasal cannula for oxygen on, says that they’re the kind of friends that you “bunk with in Kabul” or “let you sleep on the floor in Marrakesh”. Gloria admits that she never told them. Sam shakes her head at this, saying “Diana …”, but Gloria says that they’ll read about it in the Obits. Sam wants to know why Gloria underestimates them. Gloria doesn’t answer, put looks instead at a framed picture on a side table. Sam notices what she’s looking at and Gloria tells her that “It’s Paul”. Sam picks up the photo of a guy in helmet, uniform and flak jacket that has “PRESS” emblazoned on it. She looks at it as Gloria continues sadly, “… right before the bomb went off …” Sam tells her again that she’s sorry. Gloria wheels herself to the center of the room and Sam comes over to help her get up and move to the sofa. Gloria tells Sam that she doesn’t have to stay and she’s sure Sam has family to go home to. Getting a blanket to place on Gloria, Sam tells her that actually she doesn’t as her son is away at school. Since there’s no point in lying to a dying woman, Sam tells her that her son’s been “having problems”, which I guess is a nice way of putting that her son is basically “a psycho wood stump that in the past year has: skipped school repeatedly, slapped his great-grandmother across the face, knocked over a laundromat, watched his mother kill his father, and Kentucky Fried an elderly man to Extra Crispy, all without changing either his facial expression or his monosyllabic tone” … Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself … The extreme always seem to make an impression, don’t they? … Gloria asks if Sam has a picture and Sam smiles proudly as she shows Gloria her family tree … Gloria also smiles at the picture of short-haired Splinter holding what looks to be a cat or a puppy or something. I wonder what happened to that pet? Seeing as it’s Splinter, I’m sure I’m much better off not knowing … Yikes ... Sam explains that it’s an old one, but that Splinter looks pretty much the same. Uh, yeah, okay, Sam. Maybe if you chopped down his branches a bit and trimmed back his leaves so that he wasn’t sporting that Dumb Donald from Fat Albert and The Cosby Kids mushroom-head really bad wouldn’t-even-be-caught-dead-with-it-in-the-‘80’s-decade-of-bad-hair hairdo, I could see where he possibly could still look the same … Idiot … Because Gloria is a tree-hugger at heart, she thinks that Splinter is beautiful, and she shares a smile with Sam. Still looking at the picture, Gloria tells Sam that she used to think that you had to choose between family and career but by the time she figured out that you could have both it was too late because she was already sick. Oh, how sad. Sam confides “Yeah, well, I got pregnant at 14, so by the time I realized you could have a career, my kid was in preschool”. Sam puts the photo away as Gloria studies her for a moment. Gloria then asks her, “So, nursing isn’t what you wanted?” Sam says truthfully that she’d actually never thought about what she wanted and that Splinter was the reality. Sam doesn’t continue on this track and instead looks at photos that are laying on Gloria’s coffee table. Gloria, lost in thought, tells Sam that it’s never too late to chose. Hearing this, Sam looks over at her. Gloria tells her, “You have time”. Sam smiles slightly and looks away, because she knows that she does, but Gloria doesn’t. Please don’t tell me Sam’s going to change careers and we’ll have yet another nurse go to med school … Even though Carol didn’t finish, that would make it three for three with the “main” nurse character since this show started …

As Chuny and Dawn head down the hall, there are tons of people milling around and the ER is kind of chaotic. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling. Chuny hands charts to Dawn, updating her on where some of the patients are being transferred. Dawn asks if Chuny thinks it’s a good idea to put a coughing kid in a room with surgical post op patients. Chuny doesn’t but says that it’s the only option as they get to Admit. Dawn approaches Luka to sign a discharge as a homeless guy in a hat is bitching at him that he can’t send him “out”. Luka tells Homeless that they’ll get him a taxi voucher to get to shelter. Homeless now bitches about what the shelters are like, but Luka tells him that it’s all that they can offer because Homeless doesn’t need to stay in the hospital. Luka walks away leaving Homeless to shake his head at the injustice of it all as Usher comes up to Ray and hands him something, saying he found it in Trauma One. It’s a violin case and Ray says that his patient must have left it. Considering your patient was unconscious at the time that he vacated the trauma room, I don’t think he was the one who “left” it, Ray. Ray says he’ll take care of it and turns to see Morris and Pratt moving Chaz’ gurney. Ray asks how Chaz is doing and Pratt says that they’re going to monitor him overnight. Ray asks Chaz if knows that if he gets admitted he can’t be a paramedic as Pratt hides his grin. Chaz looks panicky and asks Morris if Ray’s for real and Morris deadpans “Afraid so”. Chaz says “Hell no” and starts to get up as Pratt grabs him and pulls him back, telling him that it’s a joke and to “sit your ass down” as Morris and Ray laugh. Elevator doors open and Bettina, Radiology Woman steps off. She sees Chaz and asks what happened and Pratt explains that it was his first day as an EMT and he got initiated. Bettina says scornfully, “Damn traditions” as she heads off. Morris is holding the elevator door for Pratt, who tells him that he’ll be up in a second. Morris, getting that Pratt’s in smooth operator mode, gives him the “thumbs up” and winks at him. Pratt frowns and waves him off then turns to follow Bettina. Pratt apologizes to her about the way he “came off” earlier. Bettina wants to know if he’s referring to the “How you doin’, girl?” “Maybe we could have dinner?” “Crack open a bottle of wine?” schtick. Hee. Pratt smiles and nods, saying yes, then actually sounding sincere, tells her that he does want to hear about her research. Bettina thinks if that’s true, then he’s going to have to read up like his “buddy” Morris. Hee. Pratt’s totally willing to do that, but he still wants to take her out. He invites her to the ER department dinner next Thursday night. Bettina’s not impressed, so Pratt adds that he thought maybe afterwards they could get a drink … in a bar … in a public spot. Bettina thinks that “sounds better”. He asks her “C’mon, whattya say?”, and she tells him “Call me” before walking away. I like Bettina … She sooo has Pratt’s number …

Todd is sitting in the hallway, looking down in the dumps. Yeah, I think I’d be down if my scheme of having someone ingest toxic substances backfired and actually almost killed them, too, Todd. Imbecile. And excuse me, but exactly why haven’t the police been called? I know it’s a little crazy in the ER right now, but, I mean, seriously, this kid has, you know, pretty much admitted to poisoning his rival and and yet the authorities haven’t been notified? What about hospital security? Not even his school at the very least? God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something … Ridiculous … Ray approaches, holds up the violin case and tells Todd that he “forgot this”. I thought you said it belonged to your “patient”, Ray. You know, the one whose food this kid contaminated? Nice. Todd asks if Dimitri has woken up yet, but he hasn’t, … He's alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably … Ray says that Dimitri has a long road ahead of him, but it was the disease that did this to him, not Todd. Say what??? Todd asks if he’s sure and Ray’s positive because sulfur doesn’t make you sick like this. Really? Well, okay then. Guess you’re off the hook, Todd. My bad. Ray tells him, “You know you got lucky”. Yeah, you so are, Todd. Todd, sounding remorseful, says he knows. Well, there’s that at least. Ray tells him that when the time is right, he will “get the solo”. Even after what he did, Ray? I’m sorry, but just because what he did wasn’t what caused Dimitri’s illness does not excuse the fact that he DID try to poison the kid, for Christ’s sake … Todd asks Ray if he’s ever felt jealous and wanted something that someone else had … Hee … Just every day of his life over the past year, Todd. Oooh, does this mean Ray’s going to poison McEgo? Cool … Raid usually works pretty well for pests, Ray … Just saying … Ray disingenuously hesitates a minute before grinning and admitting that sure he has. Ray tells Todd that in the end, he believes that people get what they deserve. Really? Oh, I so hope that’s true … I’m starting McEgo’s countdown now … And I know exactly “what”, or should I say “who”, it is that I deserve, too … Ray thinks that if you are patient and you are committed, then you can get what you want. Well, I’d have to agree there, Ray … Even though my patience was definitely stretched to the limit by how long it took for that damned triangle to finally disentangle and for Carter to actually haul his smirky ass off my television screen … Now if I could just do something about ousting the current hairdresser and securing my permanent position in the Hair Salon … Bitch … Ray continues with his Mike Brady-esque 70’s sitcom-y fatherly pep talk by telling Todd, “Whatever you want… whether that means a violin solo … or a better grade”, then with a wistful look adds, “… or even a girl …”. Todd takes this all in as Ray lets a rueful chuckle.

McEgo enters his McLair and starts calling for Deej, but there’s no answer. He grabs a brewski from the fridge, because this is Chicago and if you don’t have a brewski in your hand, you might as well be wearing a dress, as the door opens and Deej and Hammer walk in, arguing about the penguins frolicking feature film Happy Feet, which Hammer thinks everybody should like but Deej disagrees because she’s not “everybody”, since she so totally uses her grand IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew.... They’re surprised that McEgo’s home and he just says that he “got off early”, then asks where they’ve been. Deej says “the video store” as Hammer, who’s holding a thermos, all of a sudden looks very uncomfortable about McEgo’s being home. Uh oh. Deej says that they ran out of movies. McEgo tosses some junk mail in the trash and notices an empty liquor bottle in there. Deej is going off about how they’d scored some Jackie Chan flicks as McEgo whips his head around to glare at Hammer. Hammer corrects Deej that they’re “Charlie Chan” films, so I guess she’s not going to be Kung Fu Fighting tonight after all. McEgo asks Deej to give Hammer and him a second to talk. In a surprising, out of character, non-bratty move on her part, Deej says “sure” and goes right to her room. After she leaves, McEgo confronts Hammer about what’s in his thermos. Slurring his words, Hammer very unconvincingly declares that he hasn’t been drinking. McEgo again asks him what’s in the thermos. Hammer says that he felt like having a little bit of orange juice and quickly twist his body away to keep McEgo from getting it when he reaches for the thermos. Hammer wants to know what McEgo’s problem is and McEgo wants Hammer to prove that there’s no booze in there. Hammer doesn’t think he has to prove a damned thing and McEgo needs to “relax”. Come on, McEgo … Hammer Say Relax … Don’t do it … When you want to go to it … McEgo yells at him for drinking and driving with Deej in the car, but Hammer says he wasn’t. McEgo grabs the thermos and the two of them start fighting over it in a schoolgirl-tug-of-war-over-who-gets-Gangsta-Bitch-Barbie-and-who-gets-stuck-playing-with-Transgender-Ken type way … Hammer wrestles it away and chucks it across the room. And that must have been a blow to the McEgo to be beaten by a drunk old man. McEgo shouts at him, “That’s it! I’m done with you!” Man, everyone’s just done with everything in this episode, aren’t they? Anspaugh’s done with Luka about the ER, Gloria’s done with her chemo, Phoebe’s done with Ray, Morris is done with McEgo, McEgo’s done with Hammer, I’m done with caring at all about the Shut Your McTrap Family Singers here … Not that I ever cared in the first place … McEgo strides over to where Hammer’s stuff is and starts angrily shoving it into a duffel bag. Hammer tries to reason with him, saying it was only a little, but since McEgo’s done with Hammer, he tells him “You’re out! You’re moving out!” and keeps packing the bag. Hammer protests that he and Deej just went around the corner. McEgo starts bitching that he never should have let Hammer in because he pulls this crap every time. Because the alcohol’s destroyed so many of his functioning brain cells, Hammer just now realizes that McEgo’s McPacking and asks “What are you doing?” Hammer asks McEgo to listen to him, but McEgo’s done with that, too, and tells him that he’s a drunk and will always be a drunk. McEgo pushes past him and Hammer follows, pleading that he’ll change, as Deej stands off to the side, observing all this. Deej asks McEgo what he’s doing and he tells her to stay there as he goes outside and Hammer follows. McEgo takes the bag with Hammer’s stuff and tosses it out in the street. Hammer, still trying, says that he’s got a job, but McEgo knows that the day the rent is do he’ll go blow it in a bar. Hammer tries to say that it’s not true, but McEgo says it is. Then McEgo totally cuts him with, “You know what else? You weren’t a fire chief … You were a second rate Captain who got demoted because none of the other guys wanted to go into a fire with you”. Oooh … Hammer spits out, “You son of a bitch”, but McEgo’s on a roll and wants Hammer to face facts, “You killed that rookie, didn’t you?” Oh, man … Okay, stop … Hammer Time … as Hammer channels me, hauling off and punching McEgo right in the face, knocking him into some trashcans. YES!!! McEgo totally goaded Hammer into doing that. McEgo’s not done though as he gets back up and shouts at Hammer, “You left him … you left him burning in that building because you were too out of it to go save him” … Yikes, Hammer … McEgo asks why Hammer can’t just face it, but Hammer screams at him, “You can’t talk to me like that!!!” and pulls his arm back to strike McEgo again. This time McEgo’s ready for him and blocks it, then lands a punch square on Hammer’s jaw. Then he grabs Hammer by the shoulders and throws him to the ground, landing on top of him as he howls, “You killed him … You killed your career … and the only way Mom could escape you was to die herself!!!”, as he punches him again. McEgo is so filled with rage that he just keeps beating an already down Hammer as Deej stands in the doorway watching … Damn, McEgo … And I thought Sam had anger management issues …

As the tugging at our heartstrings Vapid Violin Verse of Pummeled Pathetic Panhandler Parents plays, we see a montage of images … Dawn, Abby and Morris pushing patients in wheelchairs down the ER hallway … Sam and Gloria sitting side-by-side on the sofa, sharing a bottle of red wine and looking at a photo album … Todd sitting at Dimitri’s bedside, playing his violin while Dimitri’s parents keep vigil and Ray looks on … Malik locking up the drug cabinet … Pratt sitting beside Chaz’ bed working on charts as Chaz holds an emesis basin and hopes to not have to use it … Chuny and another random orderly escorting a gurney down a hall … Sam taking photos of Gloria, capturing her sad expression as she watches a slideshow of images of herself, including a shot of her and Paul … Hammer getting to his knees as Deej looks at him impassively and a bloody-lipped, sweating McEgo stands over him and glowers …

In an empty, quiet ER, Luka is at Admit finishing some paperwork as Anspaugh exits the elevator behind him. Anspaugh tells him in an “atta boy” tone, “You did it, Dr. Kovac”. A sullen Luka replies “I don’t like this” as he turns off the desk lamp and walks towards the board. Anspaugh chuckles that it’s “not all Mercedes and racquetball”, but Luka knows that, probably because his extracurricular activities are more of the wash, rinse, repeat variety … Bitch … As Luka lifts the board so it retracts, he tells Anspaugh that he’s beginning to think that the politics aren’t worth the paycheck. In a slightly bitter tone, Luka rattles off, “First you make me fire Weaver, then I spend half my time in BS meetings, and I’m flooded with paperwork … and now this”. Anspaugh chuckles again, welcoming him to management. Luka states definitively, “This isn’t me”. Well, Weaver did try to tell you that when you first applied for the job back in The Human Shield, Luka. Luka hands papers to Anspaugh and continues “… I’m resigning as Chief … “ You know, honestly, I can’t say that I’m at all surprised by his resignation. Though at times you could exhibit great skill as a supervisor, it never really seemed like this job was something you were at all comfortable with, did it, Luka? I am wondering though if you discussed this with Abby before you decided to do quit. I sure do hope so, seeing as how your decision does affect her and MoJo. Anspaugh doesn’t seem particularly surprised by this either. In a measured tone he says, “Luka, part of being the boss is being the bad guy”. Raising his eyebrows a little as he says it, Luka tells him sincerely, “I’ll leave that to someone else … I just want to be a doctor”. Carrying charts in his left hand, Luka puts his right hand in his pocket as he turns to leave, giving Anspaugh a “Have a good night” as he walks away from the desk. As Luka starts down the dimly lit hallway, lights begin to turn off with resounding clicks. In a stunning visual image, Luka never breaks stride as he moves further and further into the shadows, the lights being extinguished one by one behind him as he goes, until finally the ER is shrouded in darkness…

This ending sequence somehow elicits sadness, as this exact visual of the lights going out one at a time is how I have always pictured the conclusion of the series finale. The complete and utter finality of the image of Luka walking down the hallway like that, fading into the black, leaves me melancholic and more than a bit uneasy, as it evokes the feeling that this is the last that we will ever see of him working in the ER …