Monday, February 13, 2006

ER 12.14 Quintessence of Dust

Previously on ER: Lying in bed, Luka dreamily says “We’re going to have a baby”, Abby, who’s next to him (bitch), looks over and says “I know”, and he raises his eyebrows and gives her a brilliant smile (again, bitch); Morris tells Neela that she’s not going anywhere, and he doesn’t care what “Dr. Cruella”, meaning Surgical Chief Resident Albright, aka Snotty Surgeon, says; Dubenko tells Neela that she must have impressed Albright because she’s been accepted into the surgical elective; Victor Clemente, aka John Leguizamo, aka Chi-Chi Rodriguez from To Wong Foo, tells his interstate off-ramp squeeze Jodie, who reminds me of Cha-Cha DiGregorio from Grease, the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s with the worst reputation, that her “dick of a husband”, Bobby sent out a missing person’s report; Chi-Chi tells the police who question him that he hasn’t seen Cha-Cha, but he can see what’s going on and “it’s pretty low”; Chi-Chi asks Cha-Cha how long she thinks it will be before he is walking around with his testicles in a jar, and because that’s such a romantic notion, Cha-Cha tells him she loves him; Luka tells Weaver that they have no Attending for the day shift because Chi-Chi hasn’t shown up yet and can’t be reached.

Pratt, looking very dapper, is running down patient charts with Abby. Looks like this is the start of the night shift. Because they can never be bothered to learn patient’s names, Pratt gives them titles and tells her that “Intractable Hiccups”, which are hiccups that last for longer than a month, in on his way up to the floor. That sucks. Try standing on your head, swallowing a spoonful of sugar, then holding your breath. Always works for me. Pratt then says that “Self-tanner Ingestion is waiting on tox, and what the hell kind of stupid person eats that stuff? It tastes awful. And “Freaky Nail Gun Girl”, which sounds like it could be the title of a Violent Femmes song, needs keflex and a psych consult. Abby questions “freaky nail gun girl?”, and Pratt says she’s a performance artist and to believe him, she does not want to know. How do performance artists go through the forest? They take the psycho path … Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Jerry, who is dressed for the cold so must just be either starting or ending his shift, comes up to Admit and asks Pratt who the lucky lady is. Pratt starts putting on his scarf and says it’s nothing like that, it’s just a charity event he has to attend. Morris tells him not to be coy and announces to everyone that Chicago’s 50 hottest bachelors are being auctioned off to benefit the Chicago Health Coalition. Jerry thinks that’s impressive as Morris says that as the 51st hottest bachelor, he didn’t make the cut. Chicago must be one ugly city if Morris would be in the top … million. Abby asks Pratt how Olivia feels about this, and it takes me a minute to remember that’s the name of Pratt’s non-descript, pointless, thank-God-mostly-off-camera girlfriend. Because Olivia is obviously not allowed to have an opinion of her own, Pratt doesn’t understand what Abby means. Abby has to explain “the fact that someone’s buying a date with her boyfriend”. Pratt tells her it’s a good cause and that Olivia is cool. Haleh pointedly says “Really? Your African-American girlfriend is cool with her African-American boyfriend being put up on the block for a bunch of rich, white women to bid on?” Pratt tells her “take it easy, Angela Davis”. Hee. He asks Haleh how she knows they are all white and he walks away, as she rolls her eyes at him. Abby asks Morris who the Attending is. Morris tells her that they have a moonlighter again, and adds “thank God”. Is it David Addison? Then I’d thank God too because this show could use a little Bruce Willis to liven it up. "Yippee-kye-yay, motherfucker". Abby thinks they are useless. Much like your hair, Abby. What’s with the bangs, severe pulled back sides and ponytail? Once again it’s before Opening Credits and I’m all about the hair. Thanks, Abby. She continues that they never know how anything works. Morris says exactly, and that he conned the guy yesterday into buying dinner for the entire overnight staff. And for the first of what I’m sure will be many times this episode - Shut up, Morris! Jerry pipes in that the eggplant thing was delicious. Abby sarcastically says “that’s great” and asks Morris what else he did, “tape a ‘kick me’ sign to his back?” And the fourteen-year old staff writer is back as Morris asks “oh, you heard? Wasn’t that awesome?” Abby asks if Chi-Chi is ever coming back and that he’s missed like three shifts in a row. Morris corrects “four”. Abby hopes he’s okay. Morris tells her that she’s met Cha-Cha, and that he bets Chi-Chi is more than okay, as Jerry singsongs that Chi-Chi is probably just on a little “holiday” as he and Morris do that annoying male-bonding thing of touching and wiggling their fingers. Abby shoots them a look that says she hopes the middle school staff writer has mid-terms coming up soon.

Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha are lying on a bed, naked. And since I doubt we’re allowed more than one naked couple per episode, I’m guessing that I’m shit out of luck of seeing shirtless Luka again this week. My bank account thanks you for the money I’m saving on air conditioning and cigarettes, ER. Please note though, that I am more than willing to part with the cash in the future. Just saying. Cha-Cha is laying on her stomach over Chi-Chi’s midsection, her legs bent behind her, doing a crossword puzzle. She asks “14 letter word for ‘no higher form’”. Chi-Chi, whose right arm is up against the bedpost, thinks about it for a minute, then says “quintessence”. Cha-Cha chuckles and tells him to shut up. He tells her to go ahead and try it. He starts to spell it, licking his finger and sticking it in her ear. Isn’t junior high Spring Break coming up soon? Cha-Cha tells him how smart he is and asks how he knows that. Oh yeah, he’s so smart, Cha-Cha, that he doesn’t know that it’s only 12 letters. Annoying. Looking a bit loopy, he tells her “It’s Shakespeare, baby. Shakespeare”. He starts reciting “Oh, that is too, too sullied flesh or nothing …” Please quit quoting Hamlet, Chi-Chi. Because unless you grow about ten inches and can recite it in Croatian, I really don’t want to hear it. And because Cha-Cha saw lovely luscious Luka’s sexy Shakespearean soliloquy in the Secrets and Lies episode too, she doesn’t want to hear it either, and sticks her hand across his mouth to shush him. She tells him that she’s hungry and asks what time it is. He goes to look at his watch, pulling his wrist and the bedpost with it … because apparently, he’s tied to it with what looks like fringed curtain tie-back cords. Nice. He and Cha-Cha start giggling about the busted post. Chi-Chi says that it’s time to get a new bed, as he throws the broken piece across the room. Cha-Cha says she’s serious and he asks her what she wants him to do – it’s dark out. Pouting a little she returns to the crossword and asks for an eight letter word for “great haste”. Chi-Chi scratches his chest and thinks, then says “alacrity”. Cha-Cha gets an idea and asks if he wants to see a movie. Chi-Chi picks up the remote and turns on the TV. Cha-Cha’s disappointed because she meant going to a movie theater. Chi-Chi thinks TV is good, and I have to disagree with you there, Chi-Chi, because most of the stuff on TV now is pure crap. Cha-Cha rolls over on her side, just to give us a view of her only partially covered, eagle-tattooed ass. Thanks, Cha-Cha. I needed to see that as much as earlier this season I needed the shot of Sally’s cleavage or to learn that Abby wears a thong. She complains that it’s been a week, and she thinks they can go outside now. Chi-Chi thinks they have everything they need right here, as he reaches over and grabs a vial and a straw. Cha-Cha goes back to the crossword and asks for an eight-letter word for “brisk”, as Chi-Chi snorts coke off her butt. Guess that really does make her a “crack” whore, then. She giggles as he leans back, sniffs, and licks his fingers. I think this explains that spontaneous nosebleed Chi-Chi got while arguing with Luka in The Human Shield episode. He leans over Cha-Cha’s shoulder and starts kissing her forehead as he suggests “spanking”, and smacks her on the ass. She laughs and says that she doesn’t think “quintessence” fits. And I’m just impressed that Cha-Cha can even pronounce “quintessence”, let alone spell it and count the letters.

Pratt is on stage at the charity auction as one of the women in the audience holds up her bid panel and says “300”. Someone bids 325, and another 400. Pratt leans into the microphone and smiling says “whoa, easy, ladies. It’s only dinner”, as all the women start retracting their bids at this incredible show of arrogance. Except, not that last part. Everyone laughs. Another bids 425, as a woman in red says forcefully “450”. Pratt’s all smiles over this bidding war, as we hear “475”. Then Red bids “490” and Pratt says “wow”. Auctioneer lady is about to close the bidding as we hear a male voice say “600” and Pratt gets a WTF look. Hee.

After Opening Credits, Jerry is going through the mail and we see what looks like a postcard with a close-up of a red setting sun on it. He flips it over and tells everyone it’s a “missive from the long-lost Carter”. Oh, great. Why couldn’t he stay lost? Frank comments “finally found a stamp, huh?” Guess Carter hasn’t been in touch since he left. Chuny asks if the card says why they haven’t heard from him in so long. Luka chimes in “he’s happy. He’s busy”. How does Luka know that? Have he and Carter kept in touch? I wouldn’t be surprised though since they finally became friends after bonding over amputated limbs and guns at their heads in the Congo a few years ago. Jerry thinks it’s because Carter just doesn’t miss this place. Frank thinks that’s hard to imagine. And I’m so hoping that it’s Luka’s answer, because I do think the character deserves the happiness he left for at the end of last season and since it also decreases the chances that I’ll actually have to deal with Carter on a weekly basis again in the future. Chuny asks what the card says and how Kem is as she goes to take it from Frank, but Luka snatches it away first, telling her “hold on, hold on”, as he cutely turns his back so that he can look at it first.

Morris and Snotty Surgeon are walking towards Admit as he’s bitching at her that “it’s called the ER for a reason”. He’s following her yelling that ER residents get to do the chest tubes and lines, adding emphatically “end of story”. Snotty comes back “until your hack jobs get stuck, and you have to call us to do damage control” as she approaches Luka and Chuny, who are both looking at Carter’s postcard. Morris appeals to Luka to use “the mighty force of his authority”. Luka hands the card to Jerry saying that he’ll read it later as Snotty tells Morris that he doesn’t see her running to her Attending “like a punk”. Luka wants to know what the problem is. Morris explains that “Dr. Stalin here is invading our turf again”. Snotty sarcastically answers “wow, Morris, you’re so versed in world history”. Morris retorts that in college he spent a semester in Germany, as Luka clears his throat and gives him a “duh” look. Hee. Morris looks at him, and starts covering saying that he studied … cut to Luka giving him a “come on, idiot” look … and Morris adds “Russia”, all proud that he finally remembered what he learned in third grade. Then looking at Snotty, adds that he knows all about Stalin. Snotty complains to Luka about how can they expect her residents to clean up their messes if they don’t let them get the training. Morris scoffs “Training?” and asks what for, slicing hemorrhoids and doing boob jobs? Snotty gets in his face “Excuse me?” Luka diplomatically jumps in and explains that Morris is trying to say is that only a small percentage of her residents are ever going to need any trauma skills after they leave here. Morris adds “Yes, right, whereas our kids …”. Kids? Uh, Morris, did you happen to notice that Abby’s a bit older than you? And also the fact that you are only a fourth year resident yourself, so unless you were left back a lot of times in primary school, which is entirely possibly considering your lack of knowledge of famous dictators, that makes you only a few years older than the other residents. Except Abby. Luka corrects, “Residents”, and Morris holds his hand up in acknowledgement, continuing that they need to be able to handle whatever comes through the door and that they need the practice. Snotty snots that she’s with him there. Morris tells her that there is no need to get cold, and asks Weaver, who is standing a couple of feet away, “That was cold, right?” Weaver agrees, though doesn’t really care, “yeah, that was a little cold”, and walks over to the Board. Snotty tells Morris not to be such a sissy. Morris says that he needs to kick out his Meth Mom in Four, though it’s clear who he’d really like to kick. He walks away and Snotty turns back to Luka, starting to complain again. Luka stops her and tells her that she and Morris need to work this out. Snotty walks away as Weaver tells Luka that she’ll be covering for Chi-Chi today. Jerry asks “again?” which Weaver ignores and continues that she has to stay off her feet as much as possible. Luka asks her if her hip is still bothering her. She shrugs it off saying “a little bit”, and tells him to page her if it gets busy. As she starts to walk away, Luka tells her they’ll be fine. Abby walks up to Admit, exchanging greetings with Weaver, and telling Luka that she consented sickle crisis for the pain study and heme’s on its way.

Morris and Snotty are still at it. This time she is following him bitching that they have to log ER procedures for the ACGME as he rolls his eyes. She adds snidely, “So you’ve got to share, Red. End of story.” Abby watches this exchange as Frank tells Luka that they should have Weaver chat with her, one bitch to another. Abby says that she’s getting really sick of this and wants to know why “female” plus “tough” has to equal “bitch” around here? Snotty turns around, snotting, “You know what, Abby? I don’t need you to defend me. Thank you very much”. Uh oh, Snotty. Probably not a good idea as I’m guessing Abby’s raging pregnancy hormones could cause her to do you some serious damage. Abby looks up, surprised, and turns to look at her. Snotty says that she doesn’t mind that guys think she’s a bitch. She kind of likes it. Oh, of course she does. Abby and Luka exchange a look as Snotty continues that at least they respect her. Abby looks back at her, leans in and condescendingly says “Uh huh. So, if they don’t think I’m a bitch, does that mean that they don’t respect me?” I don’t think you have to worry about that, Abby, because I’m pretty sure they all already know that you’re a bitch. Luka rightfully is keeping his mouth shut. Smart move, Luka. Snotty deliberately doesn’t answer and says that she has a hot appy waiting to be seen and walks away. Abby mutters “bitch”. Hee. Morris agrees “exactly”, as Luka warningly says “Morris”. Notice you didn’t correct Abby there, Luka. Again, smart move if you want to keep getting some.

Pratt walks in and says “Good morning, folks”, but is keeping his head down like he doesn’t want anyone to ask him anything. Ray either can’t read or chooses to ignore the “please-leave-me-the-hell-alone” posture and asks what price he pulled. Pratt’s all “excuse me” as he goes over to Admit. Morris clarifies “at the auction” and Jerry says that he had him at $320 in the pool. Pratt informs him that he once again underestimated him and that he went high - $600. Everyone’s impressed and Pratt says that there were a lot of lovely ladies willing to part with their cash for a date with the doctor. What is the matter with those women that this asshole would get more than a fifty cent bid? Morons. Credits tell us that this episode was directed by Joanna Kerns, who played the mom, Maggie Seaver, on the pinnacle of bad 80’s sitcoms, Growing Pains. And for the love of God, please don’t tell me that Kirk Cameron is going to show up in this episode, because I really just might go bitchcakes. And didn’t Maura Tierney get fired once from an episode of that show? If so, hee. Pratt admits that the winning bidder was “a dude”. Morris, Jerry, Ray, Frank and Luka all stop what they are doing to look at him. Hee. Luka says “A what???” and Pratt replies sheepishly, “I’m having dinner with a guy”. Ray asks if he’s cute, and all the guys laugh. Abby shoots The Boys Club a look. Pratt says that the guy didn’t stick around long enough for them to meet. They’re all still smiling as Luka says “Well, it’s for charity”. Frank wants Pratt to look at the bright side, and maybe the guy will buy dinner, as Ray chimes in “As long as he doesn’t assume that means anything”. Hee. Morris tells him “No means no, Greg”. Hee. Pratt walks away from all the ribbing and laughter. Abby testily says that “It’s really impressive how you guys can leap from misogyny to homophobia in a single bound”. Hee. Frank chimes in that she was the one who was just calling Snotty a bitch. Abby snappishly returns “Oh yeah, after you did and that’s not the point anyway”. Luka looks over at her as she’s getting more pissy. Abby starts to go on “The point is, why is everybody so …” but loses steam as she realizes that everyone is staring at her “… bigoted around here”. As he walks away, Ray states “No more overnights for Abby”. Morris tells Luka that “his woman is starting to sound a little kooky”. Uh oh, Morris. Abby bitches “Oh, Morris, I swear to God that if you ever, ever refer to me as someone’s woman ever again”, as she picks up a hole punch, “I will slap you silly with this hole punch!” Ray drops the line “Don’t you mean bitch-slap?” and pulls a hasty retreat. Hee. Abby glares at him, as Luka comes over to her and says “okay, let’s walk”. Morris is still laughing at Ray as Abby waves the hole-punch at him and tells him that she’s really not kidding, as Luka tries to lead her away from the desk. Hee. Luka tells her that it’s alright, they get it. What was that you were saying about the not thinking you were a bitch, Abby? Pretty much answered that one yourself, huh? Abby walks away as Luka follows, holding his hand to his head and rolling his eyes with an “oy, vey” expression. Hee. And Luka’s hair is very short, though it could stand to be a little shorter on the sides. Must not have been a wig in those flashbacks last week.

They walk over into the hallway, Abby still shooting daggers at Morris. Luka asks her if she’s okay. She gives her usual quick evasive “yeah” answer, then stops, and turning to look at him, admits “no”. She explains that Coburn’s office is calling with the amnio results today. Well, that would certainly explain why she’s been even more prickly and on edge than usual. Luka wants to know when. Why didn’t Luka already know when they would find out the results? Was Abby originally not going to tell him and initially process and deal with the results on her own before letting him know? Would certainly fit with the way that she’s always felt the need to handle things alone in the past, but shows some growth and recognition not only of Luka’s role but also his feelings and that he needs to be involved in all of this. Looking nervous, she says she thinks as soon as they open. Reaching over to her, he soothingly tells her to relax for a while and that they’ll do the call together. She gazes at him, looking a little reassured, and nods. Behind them some paramedics bring in Dexter Jenkins, 62, blunt trauma to the face, chest and abdomen. Luka looks over at the gurney, but Abby doesn’t stop watching him, and I’m so with you on that, Abby, because I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off him either. Luka turns back to her and tells her to try not to hit Morris with any desk tools, as he let’s go of her and calls to Ray to help with Dexter. As they walk the gurney past her, Abby tells Luka, “I’m not promising anything”. Hee. He turns to look back at her as Ray asks Dexter what happened. Dexter says that it was just some dumb kids and that “they don’t know nothing”. Paramedic says that they beat up Dexter right out in the open, and that witnesses called 911. Ray’s surprised and asks “At 8:00 in the morning?” Dexter snarks “It’s their breakfast special”.

They transfer Dexter to the gurney and Chuny says that the sat’s 99. Luka checks Dexter’s head. Dexter asks what kids want with a can opener anyway, and that they still have their moms cooking for them. Ray says that the distal pulses are two plus. Dexter tells Ray all about the can opener – EZ squeeze, heavy duty, ergonomic handle, and that they are hard to come by, as Ray’s all “huh?” Luka asks Ray what his plan is and Ray says CBC, trauma panel, type and screen. Dexter tells them it was some kind of stupid dare as Luka tells Ray to order a head CT because Dexter seems a little confused. Dexter insists that he’s not. Ray asks if he knows the date and Dexter says “February 9th and I want my can opener back”.

Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha are carrying on in a convenience store aisle, obviously high. She’s pushing a cart and he’s snatching stuff off the shelves and throwing them, and they are cackling like hyenas. He holds up two bottles before tossing them into the carriage and tells her that she has to have some of this. She looks at them, sees that it’s chocolate milk, and asks if he’s twelve. He says he is and grabs her, pulling her to him so they can start tongue-wrestling in the middle of the aisle. He starts groping her, and puts his face in her cleavage. Nice. They’re grabbing and groping, bumping into the shelves and knocking stuff off as they make out. A clerk stands at the end of the aisle, staring at them. Chi-Chi notices him and apologizes, saying that it’s his bad and he’ll take care of it as Cha-Cha giggles.

Luka pushes open the door to the Sutures Room and Abby walks in, babbling nervously that maybe they should just wait till the end of the shift because if it is bad news …Luka, being positive, stops her and says that it’s not bad news. She looks at him like she hopes that’s true. He tries to reassure her by saying that the chances of having an abnormal amnio are what, one in a thousand? She looks at him anxiously and whispers “two hundred”. Luka soberly says that it’s still pretty good odds and lifts the phone off the cradle. He holds it out to her, and encouragingly says “We’ll be fine”. Abby reaches into her pocket and pulls out her red cell phone, shows it to him, opens it, then presses a speed dial number. That’s a nice touch – since I can never remember numbers, especially when I’m distracted, I had my OB’s number on speed dial, too. She looks up at him as she puts the phone to her ear, and starts playing with her hair and fiddling with the buttons on her lab coat as she identifies herself and that she’s calling for her amnio results. Luka, left hand on his hip, rubs his right one along the side of his face as he watches her. She whispers to him that they are checking and looks away. Supportively, Luka takes her left hand in his, and puts his right one on her wrist as he continues to watch her. In the background we hear soft string music, underlying the tension. She’s not looking at him, but lets him hold her hand, accepting his support. He backs into the room, pulling her along with him, and sits down on the bed, not letting go of her hand. As Coburn’s office comes back on with the results, Abby, looking really scared, starts tapping her pinky against the phone. Luka reaches out his right arm and pulls her closer to him. Abby turns towards him with a relieved look on her face and says into the phone “that’s great”, as keyboard notes join the strings and the tension is abated. She looks at Luka and beams at him, obviously very pleased. Luka closes his eyes for a moment, like he’s saying a silent prayer, then opens them, looks at her and smiles. Abby says “that’s great” again, moving towards him and falling into his lap, as Luka pulls her in close, nuzzling the side of her face and smiling broadly. She repeats “that’s great” into the phone, as they both are smiling joyfully and he hugs her even tighter and starts rocking her. She holds his upper arm with her free hand as he continues to rock her, happily. He pulls back to look at her as she repeats “that’s great” and then turning to look at him says “thank you” as he leans in to kiss her. Very sweet. Again, I really do wish this show would give us some kind of inkling as to whether we are supposed to be rooting for these two or not. Anyway, an absolutely wonderfully played scene that ends much too soon as we cut to:

A door opening to a darkened room and we hear moaning. Apparently Sid and Nancy have returned to the apartment from their munchie run. Carrying their grocery bag and not letting go of each other, or unlocking lips, or stopping the moaning, they move further into the room and towards the bed, dropping the groceries. As they get to it, Cha-Cha pushes Chi-Chi onto it, pulls off her jacket, and climbs on top of him. She leans over to start kissing him and the moaning starts up again. She gets off of him, kneels next to the bed, and starts pulling him up by his scarf, telling him to come here. He says “you’re gonna kill me” as they start making out again. She starts to unbuckle his belt and tells him she needs to get him one made of Velcro. Oh, please don’t. Easier access will mean even more of this obnoxious moaning, and if I’m going to be subjected to further nakedness, can’t it at least be Luka, seeing as these two are on my last nerve and I could really use a Marlboro about now, and if I’m going to feed the nicotine habit, I should at least be rewarded for the effort. As they continue the kissing, a man’s voice comes out of the darkness “Nice”. Cha-Cha yells and jumps up, startled. Voice asks “You kiss your husband with that mouth?” Cha-Cha screams “Oh, God, Bobby!” as Chi-Chi gets an “oh, shit” look. Still in the shadows, Bobby wants to know if Cha-Cha really thought it would be so easy. Chi-Chi stands up, zips ups, buckles up, and moves between Bobby and Cha-Cha, telling him to make himself at home. Bobby holds up a glass that he’s drinking from, and shakes it, so that we hear the ice cubes. He tells Cha-Cha that he asked her a question. Cha-Cha thinks it sounded kind of rhetorical, and adds “you prick”. As the camera goes back to Bobby, we see a bottle of Jim Beam next to him, which so makes me crave one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer. Bobby tells Cha-Cha he wasn’t talking to her, and sarcastically says “my love”. He says that he was talking to Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi says that he knows they have a lot to discuss, but he thinks that breaking into his place is not going to get it done. He says that “we’re adults here”, which makes me laugh because he and Cha-Cha have been acting more like horny teenagers. Chi-Chi wants to know how the hell Bobby got in there anyway. Bobby says that he has lots of experience getting into dumps like this and puts a cigarette in his mouth. Yo, can I bum one, Bob? Bobby says that he spends every day staying three moves ahead of scumbags like him. And even though I can’t really see Bobby very clearly, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Chi-Chi isn’t the scumbag in this room. Cha-Cha sounds really shaken as she tells Bobby that he has to get the hell out of there. He stands up, kicks the dropped grocery bag out of the way and tells them that all of this is over. Bobby tells her to button up, get her stuff, and “let’s go”. And he’s standing in the light so that we can see he looks like a scruffier dirtbag-y version of Michael Douglas, who I can never see as anyone but Gordon Gekko in Wall Street. Cha-Cha so traded up with Chi-Chi. When they just stare at him, Gekko again tells Cha-Cha to get her stuff. She quietly but defiantly says that she’s not going anywhere with him. Gekko tells her that she and her “wet-back boyfriend” … Chi-Chi’s had enough and tells Gekko that he always takes things too far. Gekko’s certainly a dick and I can see why Cha-Cha would want to get away from him, but technically, you are shacking up with his wife, Chi-Chi, and he did just witness, you know, the moaning and stuff, so I think he’s entitled to be a little bit upset. Chi-Chi thinks Gekko should go. He tells Chi-Chi, “smart thing for you, chimichanga, is to stay out of this”. Ooh, that reminds me, I’m a little hungry. I wonder if Taco Bell is still open? Chi-Chi and Gekko are all in each other’s faces as Cha-Cha blurts out that she’s filed papers. She covers her mouth as Gekko looks over at her and asks “you what?” Well, duh, asshole. Is it that a big of a surprise considering she ran away from you? Crying, Cha-Cha tells him that she called her lawyer and that she wants a divorce. Gekko looks at her like he’s going to cry and questions “a divorce?” Yeah, you know, so she doesn’t have to be married to you anymore? Please try and keep up here, Gekko. Chi-Chi sarcastically says “imagine that” as Gekko starts to implore Cha-Cha, “come on, baby”. He tells her that he flew all the way from Jersey to fix this. He tells her that he knows that he screwed up and goes to touch her, and she flinches and tells him “don’t”. Gekko says that he’s sorry, but Cha-Cha shakes her head and tells him that it’s too late. She starts to cry and Gekko asks if she thinks he can just leave her there like this. She thinks he’s going to have to. Chi-Chi tells Gekko, “let’s go”. Cha-Cha breathes a sigh of relief when Gekko walks out. Chi-Chi turns to her and says “All in all, it went well, didn’t it?” and she uncertainly says “yeah” as we hear the door open and they turn towards it. Gekko stands in the doorway, and starts firing a gun into the room. He fires three shots, one of which shatters the sliding glass door to the balcony. We fade to black on the shadowy figure of Gekko in the doorway, lowering the gun.

Pratt is rubbing something that looks like fecal matter off his shirt and lab coat. Nice. He ask Frank to order him a new scrub top because he spilled betadine all over his shirt, and that is so not what it looks like, Pratt. Frank doesn’t think Pratt can wear scrubs on his “man-date”. Morris thinks Frank is misusing the term and that a “man-date” is when two hetero guys hang out for dinner and a movie. Isn’t that just “getting together with a friend”, Morris? Morris thinks that Pratt is going on a “date-date”. Pratt thinks that if Morris keeps it up, he’s going to get “smack-smacked”. Hee. I would so pay good money to see that, Pratt. Morris tells him “I feel you, bro”, and please don’t, ‘cause I can do without seeing you grope anyone, Morris. He then explains that he dated this chick four times before he realized she had an Adam’s apple. Guess the five o’clock shadow and crotch bulge didn’t give it away, huh, Morris? Idiot. And Pratt’s got a bit of a tummy bump going. Maybe he’s pregnant, too. Pratt picks up Carter’s postcard and asks Morris how he’s doing. Morris says “same old same old. Saving the world, counting the money”. Hee. Frank chimes in that if he were rich, he’d be in Italy, not Africa. And I am so with you on that, Frank. Especially since I’m addicted to the Winter Olympics and am missing some totally yummy speed skaters in Torino right now to work on this recap … Okay, I feel better now that I took a little break to watch that cutie Chad Hedrick win the 5000 m. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, we were talking about Carter … Isn’t there a curling event or something I can watch now? … Pratt tells Frank that it’s for a good reason and Frank retorts “yeah, you think there are no hungry kids on the Amalfi coast?” Ooh, I work for a philanthropic foundation and we give to some food distribution charities – maybe I can tell my boss I need to do a site visit there. I’m sure she’ll buy that. Ravello’s supposed to be beautiful this time of year … Sam comes over and asks Pratt if he can write a script for morphine for the infected brachial cyst. Pratt says sure and signs the chart. Morris is surprised the patient is still there. Sam informs him that there are no surgical beds and Snotty is boarding her until an OR opens up. Morris sees Snotty standing in the hallway, writing on a chart. He grabs the chart from Sam and heads off down the hall. He yells “Excuse me, doctor!” and struts over to her bitching that if the ER is going to baby-sit her surgical patients, she needs to at least have the courtesy to write the damn orders. Snotty walks away from him saying that as much as she enjoys his little rants, she doesn’t have time now because she’s late for a sympathectomy, which I at first think means removal of the ability to sympathize, a procedure that Snotty herself must have had done because she really is a bitch, but Google informs me that it corrects “excessive sweating”, and I know at least three rather large guys that could benefit from that. Morris tells her that she’s going to be even later as we see Luka with his coat on and reading a chart, walking a few feet behind them. Morris says that he is forbidding his residents from writing orders on surgical boarders. Snotty stops and tells him he can’t do that. Morris says he can and it’s a new policy, as he hands her a pen and the chart. Taking the chart, Snotty snots “fine, have it your way” and signs it. Strutting away from him she says “Here. Your Chief’s a little penis” as she hands the chart to Abby, who is standing in the hallway, also with her coat on, and keeps on going. Abby looks at Morris a little surprised as he tells her not to let Snotty talk to her that way, and walks away. Abby looks over in the direction of Luka, the ER Chief, with a look on her face that says that Snotty has no absolutely no idea what she’s talking about with that little penis comment.

Luka and Abby are walking through the Ambulance bay and he asks her what she thinks. She wants to know about what. Luka looks at her and tells her that the baby’s sex is right there on that amnio report. Abby smiles and facetiously asks him if he knows that the x chromosome carries three times as much genetic material as the y, as he looks away. Abby is wearing a jacket with tons of zippers all over and that is absolutely huge on her. I wonder if it’s Luka’s? That’s sweet. Bitch. Not letting her get away with changing the subject, he says “and you didn’t ask?” Still smiling and undeterred, Abby asks “Do you think that’s why men are simpler?” He tells her that some nurse in Coburn’s office knows the sex of their baby and they don’t, and isn’t that weird? She agrees that it’s a little weird. He asks “so?” and she responds “so???”, and he again says “so?” as they get to the coffee cart. Luka orders a coffee and an apple juice, but Abby changes that to “two coffees”. I totally understand Abby’s desire to have a little caffeine – she has a demanding job, just worked a night shift, was strung out and hung around so that she could find out the amnio results, and my OB always said that up to two cups of coffee a day was okay. Luka doesn’t seem to have a problem with it either, because he doesn’t say anything. Abby replies that she doesn’t know, and smiling at him says that it just makes it all seem … so real. Luka tells her that she is 16 weeks, the amnio’s normal, it is real. Sixteen weeks? Really? Well, that makes sense, because I think that’s when most amnio’s are usually done. Since Dexter told us that in ER time it is February 9th too, that means Abby most likely conceived on their first hook-up at the end of October, when she went to his apartment because she was upset about Sydney dying in The Human Shield. And since emotions were running high that night, I’m guessing the contraception thing wasn’t up there on the priority list. But, you know, they are doctors and all – you’d think they’d know better. And this show has quite a history of unplanned baby-making. Though Corday, Chen, and Lewis were written in because of real-life pregnancies. Which reminds me how much I miss Susan … and Sherry Stringfield … and her hair. That scenario is not the case here, so maybe this timeline might prove to be significant to what’s coming up with this storyline. Or not, since ER is famous for dropped stories. Did we ever actually find out who the Angel of Death was when a lot of Corday’s patients were dying? And considering that Abby is about four months along and she’s very petite, wouldn’t she be showing a little by now? Pratt’s showing more than she is. Though she does wear a lab coat, and the huge parka thing that she has on right now, so maybe she’s hiding it well. She’s also wearing black under the coats, and black is very slimming, which is why I dress like a ninja pretty much 24/7. Abby asks if there is anyone they have to tell. Luka looks uncomfortable for a second, pays the coffee guy, and says that she should probably tell her mother. Abby was thinking that she’d hold off on that. Luka asks “till when?” as we see a car approaching fast behind Abby. She grins a little and starts to tell him “Till …” as we hear the car horn blare and tires screech. Abby starts to turn around, and Luka grabs her and quickly pulls her to his other side, out of the way of the speeding car. Awww. You can be my knight in shining armor any time, Luka. Or without the armor … or anything else for that matter … is fine by me, too. Just saying. It’s Chi-Chi in the car, driving like a maniac, narrowly avoiding colliding with an ambulance before crashing into the trash dumpster. He jumps out of the car and pulls a bleeding Cha-Cha out of the back, yelling for help as we see Luka and Abby running towards him in the background.

They bring Cha-Cha in on a gurney, Chi-Chi talking to her the whole time telling her that she’s going to be fine. He tells Luka and Abby that Cha-Cha lost about a liter of blood in the car. Yikes. Hate to have that cleaning bill. Luka wants to know why he didn’t call an ambulance, but Chi-Chi says to trust him, this was faster. Abby asks Cha-Cha if she can hear her, and checks her carotid, telling Luka that it’s weak. Luka calls to Sam, asking her what’s open. Sam says Trauma One and asks what happened, and Luka just sort of purses his lips and shakes his head at her. Chi-Chi is saying the entrance wound is in the left chest, lower right quadrant. Cha-Cha ain’t looking so good. Chi-Chi is babbling that it came out of nowhere and he wasn’t expecting it. Luka yells at him “expecting what?” Chi-Chi tells him to stop the questions and “let’s get the re-suss going”, as Luka tells Abby to take Cha-Cha’s head and for Sam to get her on a monitor, and to start working on access. Cha-Cha weakly starts asking for Chi-Chi. He leans over her and tells her he’s right there. She says “he shot me”, as Abby looks up at Chi-Chi, and then exchanges a look with Luka.

Close-up of Dexter’s hand, fingers tapping rhythmically on the bed side-rail. Ray asks him “what is that? Morse code for ‘get me the hell out of here’?” That would be my guess, Ray, considering that it’s you patching up his head. Dexter says that it’s a nervous habit. Ray says that it looks like D,F, and B to him. Dexter corrects him that it’s A and D minor. Ray asks if he’s a musician. Duh, Ray. How many non-musicians do you know that would know what those notes look like just from finger tapping? Imbecile. Dexter says that he has a mini-keyboard that he likes to tap things out on once in a while. He found it on some heap one time and couldn’t imagine why anybody would want to throw that out. I can, Dexter. Must have been a mom because the thing didn’t have a volume button or a headphone jack and she had to listen to her untalented kid tunelessly bang on it all day long. Dexter says that it’s gone for good now and that the little bastards smashed it up. Ray wants to know what kind of music he’s into and Dexter says that he stays mostly with what he knows – the blues. Ray asks if Dexter is any relation to Brick Jenkins, a bluesman from the 60’s and Ray’s dad used to listen to his records over and over. Dexter asks if he played with Muddy Waters and BB King, and Ray adds even Big Bill Broonzy right before he died. Dexter looks at him and says “Nice to meet you”.

Chi-Chi is walking around the trauma room, getting in everyone’s way. He tells Cha-Cha that she works on stuff worse than this every day, and he tells her that this is nothing. He pleads with Abby to tell her, and Abby just looks at him. Luka elbows him away and tells him that he needs to make room for them. Random nurse moves Chi-Chi away from the table as Chi-Chi implores Abby to tell Cha-Cha she’s going to be okay. Luka calls for a liter of NS, six units of O-neg and to call the OR. Chi-Chi sadly starts saying “I’m so sorry, baby”. Sam looks over at him. Chi-Chi notices and asks “what?” as the Pulsating Percussion Music of Cynical Co-Workers starts playing. Abby looks over at him too as Luka asks accusingly, “Who shot her, Vic?” Chi-Chi tells them that he husband shot her. Luka looks at him skeptically and Chi-Chi asks if he thinks it was him, and explains that when Cha-Cha said “he” she meant her maniac husband who showed up with a gun. Sam asks him “where? At your place?” And Chi-Chi answers “yeah” before looking at Sam and saying “You don’t believe me, do you?” Sam unconvincingly replies “Sure, we believe you”, then says Cha-Cha is tachy at 138. Abby says that she barely has a gag, poor respiratory effort, and that the sats aren’t coming up and Cha-Cha needs a tube. Chi-Chi moves to the supply cabinet and starts to grab stuff as Luka tells him “why don’t you sit down for a while?” Chi-Chi’s frantically saying “7-5. Abby, use a 7-5” as Abby shoots another look at Luka. Chi-Chi’s rummaging through the cabinet saying that Cha-Cha is tiny but that she has a huge mouth, which if this weren’t such a serious scene, would really make me laugh. He says Cha-Cha has a small airway, and Abby says “okay, okay”. Chi-Chi keeps asking “You want me to put it in? I’ll put it in?” Sam says the systolic is only 72. Chi-Chi walks over and dumps supplies on the side table. Sam yells “Hey!” as Luka tells him that he’s not working right now. Sam puts her hand on Chi-Chi’s shoulder as Pratt bursts in, saying that he heard what happened. Sam tells him “Good. Maybe you can explain it to us” as she looks at Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi’s starting to lose it even more as he starts asking where the 10 blade is and “I’ve got to do something. If it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t be in this kind of way”. He takes off his coat and we notice that he’s bleeding. He stumbles and Pratt grabs him and asks if he’s all right. Chi-Chi says he’s good as Pratt tells him he’s bleeding. Chi-Chi insists that it’s a scratch. Pratt drags him into Trauma Green so that he can take a look. Chi-Chi fights him saying that Cha-Cha needs him. Pratt pulls him over and tells him to get on the gurney. Chi-Chi beseeches Pratt to listen to him, and Pratt says he is. He tells Pratt that they, meaning Luka, Abby and Sam, think he did it. Pratt pulls Chi-Chi’s shirt from his shoulder and says that he’s been shot. Chi-Chi thinks that’s impossible. No, Chi-Chi, what’s impossible is that you didn’t feel it. Though considering how high you’re flying, I’m really not surprised. Pratt says that he has good distal pulses. Chi-Chi says he didn’t feel it as Sam bursts in looking for the infuser. Chi-Chi yells at her “The bastard shot me, Sam. He shot me, too. Sam, do you believe me now?” Abby is calling for suction as she tries to intubate Cha-Cha. Luka tells her that the sat is 74 and asks if she can see the chords. Abby says she can but she just can’t get the tube to go. Sam tells her that Cha-Cha is bradying down, 58. Luka tells Abby to pull out, but she says “wait, hold on. I had it for a second”. Luka looks at her and says, “Come on, Abby, pull out”. She looks at him for a second then pulls out as Chi-Chi yells through the open door for her to try a 7-0. Abby calls for a 7-0, saying “it can’t hurt” as Chi-Chi yells to Luka “how about more chricoid?” Luka, fed up with Chi-Chi’s armchair quarterbacking, yells for someone to close the door. Weaver walks in and tells Luka that she had said to page her if anything came up, and that this falls under that category. Luka tells her that they have it under control, and shooting a look at Trauma Green, adds “medically”. Weaver asks “what do you got?” as Abby calls for a tube. Luka explains who Cha-Cha is and that she has multiple GSW’s to the chest, abdomen and flank, as we get a shot at Cha-Cha, looking mighty bad. Sam chimes in “And a hinky attending next door with a bullet in his arm”. I at first thought she said “kinky” and wondered how Sam knew about Chi-Chi being tied up, but realized she said “hinky” because Chi-Chi really is acting like a whack job. Weaver looks over at Chi-Chi. Then we get a really bad piece of editing as we get a clear shot of Chi-Chi in the background, sitting on the gurney and watching worriedly, and Cha-Cha in the foreground, nobody working on her and no tubes, as we hear Abby say “I’m in”, like she’s just finished intubating. Shot changes to a nice close-up of Luka, thanks Joanna Kerns, and Sam says “PVC’s” as Abby tells her to hang another unit of O-neg. Abby tells Sam to rush the blood bank and that Cha-Cha needs type-specific fast, as she starts to bag her. Weaver says that what Cha-Cha needs is the OR. Sam says that she paged them ten minutes ago. Abby thinks that’s great, and bitches about the bitch “we actually need Albright, she’s MIA”. Watching Chi-Chi, Weaver tells them to page Dubenko and that they can’t wait.

Dubenko and Neela exit the OR and he asks her if she wants to explain what happened in there. She says that she doesn’t understand and that she didn’t cut a nerve. He says that’s true, but she didn’t look for it either and that she got lucky. She tells him that he was right there when she made the cut. He tells her not to get defensive, and not to make excuses, as his pager goes off. He says there’s a 911 page from the ER and yells to someone to hold the elevator. He says that he heard Gallant, aka Neela’s husband, aka Plank, got called back by the Army again, and that’s got to be hard. Looking and sounding none-to-pleased, Neela corrects that he didn’t, he re-upped. Dubenko says “oh” and as they enter the elevator, tells her that Plank certainly has a strong sense of duty, as Neela crosses her arms and looks quite pissed. I’m guessing that not only is the honeymoon over, but by the look on Neela’s face, Plank’s damn lucky that he’s not only half a world away but also that she doesn’t own a saw.

Abby calls for the introducer as Luka yells “Damn it! Another 200cc’s of blood on the floor”. Sam says that the sixth unit of packed cells is going up. Abby says that the cordis is almost ready, as we get another sickly shot of Cha-Cha. Sam says that she can’t get a BP. Yeah, Luka, you guys obviously so have this medically. Luka tells Cha-Cha to come on, and calls for thoroseal and the autotransfuser as Dubenko enters and asks what’s going on. Neela comes in too and Luka bitches that “it’s about damn time!” Luka’s been damn-ing quite a bit in this trauma, and who knew cursing could be so sexy? He keeps going “Double GSW, we can’t get a surgeon down here?” Dubenko and Neela put on yellow trauma gowns. Dubenko calmly says “Hello. Nice to see you. We just got the page”. Luka complains that they’ve been calling Snotty for 15 minutes. Dubenko tells Neela to check out the other room as she and Abby exchange a look and Dubenko tells them “You know what, let’s focus on the patients here”, and that they’ll deal with that later.

Neela enters Trauma Green and announces that she’s here for surgery. She’s shocked when she sees Chi-Chi on the gurney, all bloody. He grabs Neela’s wrist and asks how Cha-Cha is. She informs him that they are having some trouble keeping up with her blood loss. Pratt tells her that Chi-Chi has a GSW to his deltoid. Weaver says that he’s neurovascularly okay but he’s going to need angio. Neela asks “hemodynamics?” and Pratt says they’re fine. Neela asks if there are occult injuries, and Pratt, a little taken aback, says “no”. Neela asks Weaver if they did a thorough head-to-toe exam. Weaver responds shortly, “Yes, doctor, we did”. Hee. Weaver and Pratt exchange a WTF look. Chi-Chi looks over at Cha-Cha as Sam bursts in looking for the portable defibrillator. Chi-Chi tries to get up saying “She’s coding? Don’t tell me she’s coding!” Pratt, Neela and Weaver try to hold him down. Sam tells him that it’s precautionary for the trip upstairs. Chi-Chi wants to know what they are doing for her and Weaver informs him “what we do for any trauma patient. Fluids, access, we do blood and pressors.” Chi-Chi starts blathering over and over “platelets and calcium”. Agitated, he starts shouting “Dubenko, give her calcium!” He’s bitching that they’re not doing the best they can and tries to get up again. They try to hold him down and Neela yells at him to let them take care of him. Fighting them, Chi-Chi yells that he’s not going to let her die. Pratt tries to tell him that Cha-Cha isn’t going to die, but Chi-Chi tells him that he can’t say that. Neela says for him to try to relax. Tall order, Neela, because he’s really worked himself into a tizzy. Chi-Chi exclaims to Weaver that he knows he’s not perfect and that he’s messed things up in the past but he knows what to do with a shocky GSW. Weaver replies decisively, “And so does Dr. Kovac, I assure you”. Chi-Chi falls back against the gurney and looks over to Trauma Yellow again to see Luka and Abby pushing Cha-Cha’s gurney out. Getting frantic again, he starts pulling out tubes and saying that he has to go because Cha-Cha needs him. He’s really frenzied and they are having a hard time trying to subdue him. If he were really that hopped up on coke, it would take more than the three of them to control him. He’s flailing about and Pratt grabs him in a headlock as Weaver hurries over to the supply bins. She grabs some hard restraints and they try to hold him down enough for her to put them on him. She gets one around his wrist as he keeps yelling “No!” He looks at her and says “You’re restraining me? We don’t even use hard restraints anymore”. Maybe you should just use the curtain tie-backs, Weaver, Chi-Chi didn’t seem to mind being bound by them. Weaver tells him that’s true but since he’s spraying blood on her staff she’s willing to bend the rules. I love Weaver. She gets him tied down, then blows her breath out in relief, as Neela looks on, disconcerted.

After commercial, Cha-Cha’s in surgery. Dubenko asks Neela what they are looking at. I guess once they got Chi-Chi restrained, she was free to leave and go scrub in. Neela asks, unsure, “renal pedicle?” Dubenko looks at her, unblinking, and tells her that’s a question and not an answer. Snotty bursts in as Neela admits that she doesn’t know. Snotty snots that it’s a renal pedicle. Dubenko pointedly addresses her and says “Dr. Albright, decided to grace us with your presence”. She apologizes, though not very sincerely, that she got stuck in the ICU. She asks Neela what the next move is. Neela, again uncertain, answers “find the bleeder?” Snotty just looks at her, so Neela looks over to Dubenko, who stares at her also. This time she says decisively, “find the bleeder”. Snotty asks her what to do before that. Again Neela questions “Isolate the hilium? Dubenko shakes his head and asks “before that?” Neela again admits that she doesn’t know. Snotty haughtily answers “intraoperative IVP”, and Dubenko says that’s correct. He calls for 50cc’s of contrast and to get the portable x-ray tech down. Wearing surgical garb and mask, Morris bursts through the door and starts bitching at Snotty “hi, remember me?” Oh, you have got to be kidding me! They are going to continue their sophomoric argument in the middle of emergency surgery??? Make …it … stop … Snotty unnecessarily tells him that she’s busy. He holds up a chart and asks if it’s her writing on there as she walks over and bitchily pushes Neela aside. She glances up and tells him that it sure looks that way. Morris starts reading “electrolytes, d-sticks and neurovascular status every 15 minutes” and like he can’t believe it adds “on a branchial cyst?” Snotty says that she was making a point. Morris says that he is too and that his department doesn’t have time to carry out menial tasks on patients who are only boarding with them. No, but you all apparently have plenty of time to stand around Admit, bond over bigotry and sexism, and be all in each other’s business. Snotty asks if they can talk about this later. He tells her that she is either scrubbing out to rewrite those orders or she’s coming down to do them herself. Why is Dubenko letting this asshattedness go on? And if that isn’t already a word, it really should be. Snotty tells him that they have a lady open on the table. Neela tries to tell Morris that this really isn’t the best time. Over Dubenko’s shoulder, Morris says to Neela that he can’t hear her because she is dead to him. Lucien, please, assert your authority here because this is just absurd. Snotty agrees with me and asks him to do the same thing and to make it stop. Morris sarcastically complains that she’s going to her Attending like a “little penis … punk …sissy”. Dubenko has finally had enough, thank God, and quietly tells Snotty, calling her “Jessica”, to please go take care of this because it’s getting very annoying. Getting??? It’s been annoying since that asshole first came in and ridiculously interrupted a critical surgery. Unbe-freakin-lievable. Snotty tries to tell him that this is a complex anastomosis and doesn’t he think that she should stay? He condescendingly tells her that they’ll be all right without her and to please go. Hee. Thanks, Lucien. Morris narrows his eyes at her in a “na na na na nana” way. These two are so incredibly juvenile and irritating …they are obviously going to hook up. Snotty steps out and Morris does an “in your face!” hand gesture. They leave and Dubenko tells Neela that they need to dissect the mesentery.

Haleh is saying that she heard “she tried to kill him and he grabbed the gun away from her”. She, Frank and Chuny are standing around gossiping as Pratt shakes his head. Frank says that Chi-Chi’s wound is definitely self-inflicted and that he’s a “cagey little bastard”. Ray walks by and asks if Frank thinks Chi-Chi shot Cha-Cha and tried to cover it up. Frank thinks it’s the oldest trick in the book. Chuny says that she heard they were having sex at the time. Of course she did. Where exactly are they hearing all of this from? And where the hell are the police? Don’t they have to report all gunshot wounds? If Chi-Chi’s wound were self-inflicted, wouldn’t the police be able to tell that from powder burns and stuff? Where are Grissom and the CSI crew when you need them? And where is my mind that I actually care about this? Pratt tells them all to come on, and that they all have their own problems, right? They all nod and say “right”. Pratt starts to walk away and Frank tells him that he’ll come get him when his boyfriend gets there. Hee. Pratt and Ray walk down the hall and Ray asks where Chi-Chi is now. Pratt says he sent him up to angio. Ray asks if he was still in restraints, but Pratt says they let him out once he shut up. Ray wants to know what Pratt thinks happened, and Pratt thinks Chi-Chi’s a complicated guy. Chuny calls to Ray as Pratt tells him that they need to try to keep the chatter to a minimum until they find out what really happened. Ray agrees and Pratt walks away. Chuny hands Ray a wallet and says that she picked it up in Trauma One and she thinks it belongs to one of his patients. He asks if she means Jenkins, and because we can’t be trusted to remember a storyline that started way back towards the beginning of the episode, she explains “yeah, you know, the old homeless guy who got beat up by some kids?” Ray says that he’s got it, and Chuny walks away. From the wallet, he pulls out a newspaper clipping with a photo of a woman on it that looks like it’s from the wedding announcement page.

Back to surgery. Neela and Dubenko are up to their elbows in blood. Nice. At least they’re not hand-squishing this time and are using actual surgical instruments. And Anesthesiologist guy has on a really funky yin and yang surgical cap. Dubenko’s just got on your basic blue cap, but Neela’s wearing a blue and green flowery one that looks like it was made out of a Laura Ashley dress. Dubenko asks Neela “what’s this, doctor?” She responds “expanding hematoma, lacerated vessels”. He tells that is an ER answer and he wants a surgeon’s answer and asks her which vessels. Funky Anesthesiologist Guy tells them that the systolic is only 92. Chi-Chi staggers in, dressed in scrubs, surgical cap, and holding a mask over his mouth. His left arm is in a sling. Neela tells Dubenko that the renal artery splits into the … anterior …, Dubenko cuts her off and tells her to stop vamping, they don’t have time and that she either knows it or she doesn’t. Dubenko is not being arrogant at all here, but very professorial. Looking at a screen, Chi-Chi says “extravasating contrast, left kidney’s hit”. Dubenko tells him that they are aware of that. He continues that with a hilar injury like this, sacrificing the kidney is probably the way to go. Chi-Chi wants to know if the hilum is completely avulsed, because if not, he ought to …Dubenko quietly interrupts “please, don’t tell me what I ought or ought not do”. Chi-Chi explains that Cha-Cha’s a friend, and Dubenko tells him that he can watch from the OBS deck. Chi-Chi starts to say that she’s a good friend, because good friends always let you snort off their butt cracks, and fed up, Dubenko forcefully tells him “OBS deck, now! One peep, and you’re out!” Except for letting Morris and Snotty snipe at each other for too long, I’m liking Dubenko a lot this episode. Chi-Chi walks out. And we get a lovely shot of Cha-Cha’s open abdominal cavity. Nice. Dubenko asks Neela if she thinks she can save the kidney. Neela thinks that she’s young and they should try. He asks her what her plan is. Neela doesn’t know, she’s never done this before. . I know this is a teaching hospital, Lucien, but since she couldn’t even tell you the order that you do things earlier, don’t you think it’s a bit premature to put Cha-Cha’s organs in her hands? Yikes. He tries to assure her that it is just common sense and asks if he weren’t there, what would she do? Umm … go get Snotty? Or Anspaugh? Or any other freakin’ surgeon? From the peanut gallery Chi-Chi points out to him that he is there and he is the Attending. Dubenko ignores him and focuses on Neela. She looks at Cha-Cha for a second, then states that she’d clamp the hilum for vascular exclusion. Chi-Chi starts knocking on the window and says that he’s sorry, but if you clamp the hilum, you’re going to starve the kidney of blood. Dubenko looks up at him, then back at Neela and tells her to please continue. She says to find the bleeders, seal with fibrin, repair the renal artery with an omental patch. Dubenko asks her how much time do they have after they clamp the hilum before the kidney starts to die. She says about 45 minutes as Chi-Chi cuts in that it’s not about 45 minutes, but it’s 45 minutes, tops. Dubenko tells Neela to go for it and hands her the clamp. Chi-Chi protests that Neela’s an ER resident and he’s not going to let her go in there and clamp the hilum, is he? Dubenko tells him to stop talking now or he’ll come up there himself and personally remove him from the deck as Chi-Chi yells that she’s not even a surgeon. Dubenko says that he’s working on that, and Chi-Chi scoffs “Oh, you’re working on that now. You’re gonna be working on that right now!” Dubenko signals to a nurse to turn off the intercom as Chi-Chi is shouting that this isn’t a teaching case and that he wants him to do it. Chi-Chi is still yelling, but it’s muffled as Dubenko nods for Neela to proceed. Neela clamps the hilum, and Dubenko tells her “All right … 45 minutes. Clock’s ticking”.

Here we go again. Snotty and Morris – Round Four. Morris bitches at her to change the orders. She tells him “This means war, you know”. Oh, yeah … these two are so getting horizontal soon. And if there is a God, please don’t subject us to seeing it. Though I could always do with some more naked Luka … anytime … really … thanks. Abby is standing at the desk, eating what looks like an ice cream sandwich. Morris walks over to her and snatches a paper out of her hand before turning back to Snotty. Abby, with her ringside seat for this bout, is watching all of this, looking amused. Morris once again tells Snotty to change the orders, she grabs the chart out of his hand and storms away. Abby tells Morris nice work because Snotty’s been driving them crazy all day. Haleh says that Snotty refuses to learn any of their names and calls them all “nurse”. Abby says that she refuses to learn their names, too, and thinks she only bothers to learn the male residents’ names. Morris says he hates women like that, as Abby and Haleh share a “uh huh” look. Haleh walks away. Morris asks Abby why she’s still there. She says because her fridge at home is empty and she was hungry, then offers him a bite of her ice cream sandwich. He asks “Didn’t I see you eating one of those twenty minutes ago?” She stupidly tells him it’s her third. I’m with you on the ice cream sandwich love, Abby, but that was really dumb. He scoffs “Third?” and sarcastically asks “what are you pregnant?” Abby looks over at him, then tries to laugh it off and deny it with a “of-course-I’m-not-what-are-you-talking-about-I-couldn’t-possibly-be-pregnant” really, really bad poker face. How the hell did she ever win the Celebrity Poker Showdown? She says “What?” and walking away says “What are you talking about?” Morris gets an “aha!” look and pointing his finger at her says “Oh, my God, you are.” She throws away the half eaten ice cream sandwich. Nice, Abby. That’s such a waste. She says “You’re crazy”. He follows her as she tries to walk away from him and says, “You are aren’t you?” and she says “no” and keeps walking. Still pointing at her he says, “You are totally pregnant!” She whips around, looks to see if anyone’s watching, and tells him “So what? You’re in love with Albright”. Hee. He protests “No, I’m not!” Wiping her mouth, she says to him “Oh, Morris. Come on.” He says “You shut up” and opening her eyes wide at him, she bitches “You shut up, too” and he retorts “You shut up first”. Hee. Pratt walks by and asks “Shut up about what?” Abby and Morris, in a stalemate, glare at each other until he says “nothing”, and then she says “nothing”, and they both walk away. Hilarious scene. Too funny that the first one to find out about her being pregnant isn’t her friend Neela or the ER Grapevine of Haleh, Chuny, Jerry or Frank, but Morris, who usually misses everything. Hee. And what is Abby still doing there? Is it just for the vending machine food? ‘Cause I think the Lukaby could use something a little more nutritious then the Pop Tarts, coffee, and ice cream sandwiches, Abby. Maybe she’s waiting around for Luka to finish his shift. That’s sweet. Bitch.

Haleh hands Pratt a report saying that it came back on their GSW and wants to know if he wants her to send it up to the OR. Pratt says he has it and tells Ray to help Morris clear the Board as he runs upstairs. Morris is offended and is all “help me? What is that? I need help all of a sudden?” Ray snarks “No, it’s not really all of a sudden, nah.” Hee. I’m actually liking Ray this episode, which makes two in the past month, which is really depressing. And crankifying. And again, if that’s not already a word, it really should be. Maybe I can copyright it. Ray is with a young woman who looks like the one from the wedding announcement in Dexter’s wallet. He tells Morris that he’s taking Mrs. Irby to see her father. Morris says okay and asks Ray if he needs help with that and Ray says no. Morris bitches “Exactly. That’s my point”.

Ray and Dexter’s daughter walk into the Exam Room. Dexter shoots Ray a look and says “you’ve been doing some snooping around, young blood”. Ray thought that his daughter should know. Dexter tells her “Congratulations, princess” and that it sounded like a nice ceremony. She tells him that they wanted him to be there. He says that he didn’t want to show up for her special day looking like this. She says that she would have paid for a suit. He tells her that he doesn’t want that and he doesn’t want her money, then looks away. She inclines her head towards Ray, and says “this doctor told me what happened today”. Dexter replies “stupid kids”. Ray says that Dexter needs to have his sutures removed in a week. Daughter asks Dexter to come home until then. She says that she and her husband have a nice place over in Old Town and he can have his own room. He shakes his head, and stroking her cheek says “That ain’t me, Sarah. Ain’t never gonna be.” Ray watches this for a moment, then heads out of the room.

Neela and Dubenko are poking around inside Cha-Cha, as one of the surgical personnel tosses bloody gauze in a bucket and the Heartsick Horns and Pessimistic Piano Music of Skanky Surgical Subjects plays. Chi-Chi is leaning forward in his chair in the peanut gallery rubbing his hand over his face and looking worried. Pratt comes in and asks how Cha-Cha is doing. Chi-Chi says they’ve hung twelve units so far. Yikes. That sucks, Cha-Cha. Pratt tells him that he looked for him in angio. Chi-Chi says that he didn’t miss much because the bullet missed the brachial. Chi-Chi’s looking awfully pale. And he’s pretty sedate now, so he must have come down off his high. Pratt shows him the report that came back on Cha-Cha, and tells him that it’s positive for cannaboids and coke. Chi-Chi thinks that’s irrelevant to her treatment and doesn’t know why he’d send it in and asks “what are you Big Brother?” Pratt tells him it’s standard trauma labs and that Chi-Chi might have mentioned it before. Chi-Chi hasn’t taking his eyes off the surgery. Chi-Chi asks him why, would it have affected the resuscitation or changed the management? Chi-Chi snidely says that maybe they should also know that she’s a Scorpio and she’s allergic to clams. Pratt asks if this is why Chi-Chi didn’t want them evaluating him because he was worried what they’d find if they sent in his urine. Chi-Chi tells Pratt that he’s a really good guy and he likes him, but right now it’s time for Pratt to shut the hell up. Pratt just hopes Chi-Chi’s story is good. Chi-Chi wants to know what story and Pratt tells him “the one about how you didn’t do this”. Chi-Chi asks if Pratt thinks he did. Pratt says that it doesn’t matter what he thinks, which is so not a good answer, Pratt. Pratt says that the only important thing is if there is anyone who can back him up. Chi-Chi says “Yeah. She’s down there”.

After commercial, we see a close-up of a hand fiddling with a hockey puck. Is Nate back? Wasn’t he playing hockey in a flashback last week? Well, considering he no longer has use of his arms, I doubt that it could be him. And that’s a nice looking hand. Camera shot widens and we see New Alex leaning against the wall in the hallway. We hear, “hey!”, and Newlex looks over. Oh, there’s the reason for the attractive appendage – it’s Luka, who tosses the puck to Newlex, saying “Catch”. Newlex catches it, looks at it, then up at Luka and says “cool”. Luka tells him that he got it at the Boston game. Newlex says “they killed us”, and Luka agrees and says it’s that kind of year. And the Blackhawks must really suck if they lost to the Bruins, who are in last place in their Division. Luka tells Newlex that he hasn’t seen him around, and I realize that thankfully, neither have we. Newlex says that his mom said he was too distracting. And I guess Sam meant having him be at the hospital, though I would think having him be anywhere is a distraction. Luka leans against the wall next to him and says that Sam wants Newlex to study hard. Newlex complains that Sam told him he was definitely going to college. Wow, what a bad mom to be expecting that of you, Newlex. Luka thinks that’s good advice. Well, the way he said makes me think it was more of a “you’re-going-to-college-if-I-have-to-kick-your-ass-every-step-of-the-way” thing rather than simple “advice”, Luka. Newlex thinks it sounds boring, because obviously Newlex has never been to a kegger. Newlex says that he wants to drive Nascar. Of course he does. Though substitute “big rig” for “Nascar” and I think that’s more likely, Newlex. Luka grins at him, adorably, and says that he’ll tell Sam that he’s there. Newlex thanks him again for the puck and Luka winks at him. Awww.

Ray comes up to Admit and asks Chuny if they can get a taxi voucher for Dexter Jenkins. And it’s pretty dark in there, so it looks like it’s nighttime. Chuny tells him that Dexter’s already gone, that he left AMA and didn’t even sign his discharge. Ray’s surprised, “he did?” Chuny asks what Ray wants her to do with Dexter’s chart. He says, defeated, “Let’s break it down, I guess”.

Frank tells Pratt that his date is out in chairs. Pratt apprehensively says “he is?” Frank says “been there about a half an hour”. Morris thinks Pratt shouldn’t keep a young man waiting. Frank adds “And allow me to say that’s the prettiest transvestite I’ve ever laid eyes on”. Pratt’s all “transvestite???” and turns around to look. He doesn’t see anyone and asks where, and Frank points and chuckles, as we see a pretty young blonde woman standing in the chair area. Morris doesn’t think that can be him and Pratt, looking a little surprised, covers and says “had you guys going, didn’t I?”

Dubenko says to write the post-op orders and to page him for evening rounds. Neela asks how often they should check renal function as they push Cha-Cha’s gurney into Recovery. Dubenko tells her BUN and creatinine BID, whatever the hell that means. Neela follows the gurney in and Snotty comes over and gets in her face “Just so you know, that wasn’t cool”. Neela and her Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz hairdo are all “what?” Snotty snots that Neela deals with the ER scut and the she scrubs in on traumas and asks if Neela’s got it. Neela explains that Snotty wasn’t answering any of her pages. Snotty, getting even more obnoxious, tells her that “that cutesy schtick with Dubenko, that isn’t working either”. God, she’s hateful. Maybe they should hook her up with Morris. Neela smirks a little and looks away as Snotty tells her that she’s the one who writes Neela’s evaluation, and she’s the one Neela has to impress. Neela says that she’s not trying to impress anyone and she’s just trying to get something out of this elective. And I didn’t think it possible, but Snotty gets even more bitchy and says that if Neela ever crowds her out of the OR again, there will be payback, then walks away. And I am so looking forward to the catfight between these two. My money’s on Neela to lay the smack down. Neela tries to protest “this is crazy”, but Snotty is already out the door, past Chi-Chi who is standing there. He asks Neela if she minds if he comes in. She tells him sure and he walks over towards Cha-Cha. He holds her hand and thanks Neela for taking care of her. Neela tells him that they did their best. Chi-Chi says that he knows she did.

Luka, wearing his coat, catches up with Sam in the hall. She says that she’s just trying to get out of here as they walk. He tells her that Newlex is at the triage desk and that they chatted a little. Sam says “oh good”, in a “thanks-for-thinking-of-him” way. Luka stuttering a bit, follows her into the drug lock-up and says that he just wanted to talk to her about something. Sam fiddles with some bottles on a shelf and says “yeah?”. Looking down, he says “uh, about me and Abby”. Sam looks over at him and in a “duh” tone and chuckling a little says “Luka, I know about you and Abby” and that everybody knows. Really? Well, not that I’m surprised. With the gossip mill that runs rampant around there, and the fact that they don’t seem to have been hiding their relationship, I’m sure the whole hospital knows they are together. Sam honestly tells him that she really hopes it works out and that she wants him to be happy. That’s sweet. Looking a little apprehensive, Luka tells her that there is a little more to it. Sam turns to look at him expectantly, arms crossed. He hesitates, then says “Abby and I ... uh … we’re, uh ...” and looking like he’s trying not to smile and show how really excited and happy he is about it, finishes “we’re going to have a baby”. Unsure if she heard correctly, Sam says “what?” And Luka, still suppressing the smile, nods and says again “A baby”, and raises his eyebrows in a really cute “yeah, I know” gesture. Sam’s flabbergasted and says “wow”. Luka tells her that he didn’t want her to hear it somewhere else. I am so glad he is telling her this way, in private. Shows what a gentleman he is and how much respect he has for her and her feelings. Unlike Carter, who blindsided Abby in the Touch and Go episode by both introducing his pregnant girlfriend and by showing her Kem’s ultrasound. I also like that he’s laying out his involvement by saying “Abby and I” when talking about the baby, and not “she’s pregnant”. Sam starts nervously playing with her hair, which looks fab right now, by the way. She stammers that she appreciates that and walks further into the lockup before turning, and covering, cheerfully asks him when Abby is due. Luka says “July”. Sam turns towards the shelves and says “wow” again, as the expression on her face says that she’s reeling, and probably doing mental arithmetic and figuring out that Abby must have gotten pregnant in late October or November, and also wondering just how long it was after she and Luka broke up before he hooked up with Abby. Sam moved out in the second episode this season, Nobody’s Baby, and since the Interns who had just started in the Canon City season opener were still new, and Abby, Neela and Ray had just become R2’s, and all that happens at the beginning of July, that would place their break up probably sometime that same month. Luka and Abby didn’t get together until The Human Shield, which was the end of October, so it had been a few months. Sam’s wouldn’t know that Abby conceived their first night together, so I think she might be wondering if Luka had been seeing Abby while she was still living with him. And considering that he asked her to have a baby with him in Canon City, she may be pondering whether he’s just with Abby to have the child that he really wants. And I have to wonder if the fact that Luka wanted Sam to have a baby doesn’t come up later, that Abby will find out and it will feed into her insecurities. Anyway, at the very least, Sam has to be thinking about how quickly Luka has moved on. She turns back towards Luka, who is trying to gauge her reaction. Sam puts on a front, smiles, says congratulations, and hugs him. Over his shoulder, we see her looking disconcerted. As he hugs her, Luka looks really uncomfortable, and like he would rather be anywhere than there. She lets go and backs up, looks at him for a second, then changes the subject and asks if he knows where the Reglan is. Turning to the shelves she starts babbling that they are out of Compazine and Chuny’s mad at her for not restocking. Luka bites his lip, realizing that she’s uncomfortable and that he should probably leave. She continues, not that he would know because doctors never know where anything is. He suggests that she try the bottom shelf, right behind the … as she finds it. She over-enthusiastically says “yes”. They stand there awkwardly for a second before he smiles and tells her that he’ll see her tomorrow. She too brightly says to him “yeah, have a good one”. He says “yeah, you too” and winks at her before leaving. She looks down, forlorn, and maybe a little regretful. Not that I think she’s still interested in Luka romantically, because they really haven’t had any kind of interactions since they broke up to suggest that. I think it’s more that she might be a little envious that he’s not only moved on, but seems to be getting what he’s always wanted, while she’s still in the same place that she was. Sort of like when your best friend is really happy when something great happens for you, but also jealous because it’s not happening for them. Nice scene, and Linda Cardellini played it excellently.

Chi-Chi is talking to an unconscious Cha-Cha. He’s telling her that he remembers now, it was Hamlet. He’s explaining that it’s the part where he says “Man is this and man is that. Noble and intelligent, like the best thing on Earth … yet what is this to me, this … quintessence of dust?” Chi-Chi looks so sad as he says “Like he’s, you know … lost”, and he really does look lost here. Weaver comes in the room behind him. She says that she heard they were able to salvage the kidney. Chi-Chi replies that with the loss of blood and the long anesthesia time … and tells her that she knows how the brain is. Weaver tells him that the police are here and that they went to his place. Finally! Great response time. Chi-Chi ignores this and tells Weaver that the ICU Attending wants to keep Cha-Cha intubated and sedated longer. Weaver tells him that the police found marijuana, cocaine, and some unprescribed medications. Nice, Chi-Chi. Guess we’re going to be dealing with yet another addiction storyline. Like Carter’s and Abby’s weren’t enough. Chi-Chi’s not answering her and mutters that they need to keep Cha-Cha’s O2 consumption down. Weaver tells him that the police think he did this. He asks if they found the gun, and Weaver says no. He turns to look at her and asks if he’s fired. She tells him “not yet”. What??? He’s missed four scheduled shifts and they weren’t able to contact him and you’re not firing him??? After you told Luka in Flight of Fancy when he missed one scheduled shift and didn’t answer pages that it was “grounds for termination”? And considering the apparent drug problem, I’m really a little surprised here, Weaver. Maybe you are just being nice and not adding right now to his already obviously huge problems. I’m sure it will come back to bite you in the ass.

Pratt and his leggy blonde date are walking in the ambulance bay. He asks her why her friend Henry thinks he has to buy her dates. Leggy tells him that she had a bad breakup a few months back. And because Henry apparently wasn’t a fan of Sex and the City, she thinks he got sick of listening to her single girl woes. Leggy says Henry also figured she could use a change of pace. Pratt pretends not to get it and asks “you mean you never dated a doctor before?”, as they smile at each other and she says “something like that”. Pratt spots Ray and they exchange “good nights”.

Ray sees Dexter leaning against a support post for the El, looking into his hat. He approaches and tells Dexter that he figured he’d be long gone. Dexter says it’s a good place to pick up some change. Ray says that he’s not going to try to talk Dexter into anything his daughter couldn’t. Dexter thinks she’s upset, but she’ll be all right. Dexter puts his hat on as Ray tells him that Daughter figures this is how it’s going to be that every few years she’ll get a call from a hospital or a cop, and get a quick hi and bye from her father. And when the last call comes in, it’s the morgue. Dexter smirks at him as Ray offers to get him a sandwich. Dexter thinks if he stands there panhandling for another couple of hours, he can buy his own. Ray tells him to come on and they start walking. Dexter wants to know how a young guy like Ray knows about Big Bill Broonzy. Ray tells him that he’s kind of a buff and he collects LP’s and CD’s. Then he adds that he used to be in a band. Yeah, Ray, I’m sure someone who’s played with Muddy Waters and BB King really wants to hear about your gig at the Pogo Lounge … that used to be the Aqua Lounge …behind the Lava Lounge.

Ray and Dexter walk into Ike’s. Ray asks Dexter what he wants and he says “a BLT and a Coke”, and I’m with you on the BLT love, Dexter. Ray goes up to the bar to order food, as Dexter spots the piano. He walks over to it, and starts touching a few keys. He sits down and begins playing. He starts singing a great Jimmy Cliff song, “Too Many Rivers to Cross”. Ray looks over and watches him appreciatively, as he sings “Many rivers …” and we cut to:

Abby on the phone. Behind her we can see a large picture window with no shade and next to that is a smaller window with Venetian blinds. Through the windows, we can see that it’s nighttime and it’s snowing. Since I’m pretty sure Abby’s windows have panes, and this apartment is so dark, I’m guessing it’s Luka’s bat cave. It’s sweet that she went there after work, and is there waiting for him to come home. Bitch. I’m thinking that she’s been spending a whole lot of time there lately, so why not just move in, Abby? We can see that he’s already got a dried flower arrangement on the table there for you, since we know you like them, and your eyes have apparently adjusted to the dimness, so what exactly are you waiting for? Though you two better start investing in some higher wattage bulbs soon, if you don’t want the Lukaby born with night vision. Into the phone Abby says “Hey, Maggie. It’s me” … as Dexter sings “Many rivers to cross …” and Abby says, starting to smile a little, “Uh … I have some good news, Mom”. Awww. Like how pleased she looks as she tells her mother, and how she went from distant and formal, calling her “Maggie”, to intimate and familial, “Mom”. Very sweet. Dexter sings “I’ve been ripped, washed up for years” as we switch to:

Chi-Chi, head in his hand. Dexter continues “and I merely survived, because of my pride” as two guys who look like detectives enter the room and Chi-Chi looks over at them, then moves closer to Cha-Cha, “and this loneliness won’t leave me alone”, and blows a kiss into his hand and puts it on her forehead, as we go to:

“It’s such a drag to be on your own”, as Sam and Newlex walk past at the Admit desk. Sam first gives someone an inscrutable look and then grins at them, before looking away and continuing, as Newlex waves “my woman left me” and we see Luka, grinning at him, “but she didn’t say why”, then looking after them a little wistfully, and then sighing. Oh, for the love of God, please don’t tell me that Luka’s getting nostalgic for that train wreck of a relationship? Or that this is the beginning of some kind of involvement with Sam and that we are going to be subjected to yet another geometric shape of romantic entanglements involving Abby, because the first one just worked out so well and was not at all excruciating to watch. “Guess I’ll break right down and cry” as Luka picks up Carter’s postcard and grins. He turns it over to read, holding it up so we see the sunset picture. “Many rivers to cross …” as the camera zooms in on the picture, “but just where to begin, I’m playing for time” … Dissolve to:

Helicopters flying – never a good sign on this show. Dexter sings “There have been times I find myself thinking I’ve committed …” as we close in on the helicopter and see that there are two passengers in the back, one a woman with a ponytail. Camera closes in on the male passenger, but in the glare of the sun we can’t see who it is. The light clears and we see that it’s Carter, just as Dexter sings “some terrible crime”. Hee. And yes, Dexter, that haircut certainly is. It’s unbelievably short. You can really see how his hairline is receding. Not flattering, Carter, though probably smart because I would imagine it’s freaking hot in Africa. And why am I suddenly really wishing we’d gotten Kirk Cameron now? Oh, and there’s Mary McCormack, aka Kate Harper from The West Wing, aka Debbie “Everyone Loves the Dixie Chicks” Aid Worker from the first Africa go round. She looks over at Carter, who is looking out of the helicopter, “wandering, I’m lost” and we see rows and rows of what look like refugee tents on the ground. Back to Carter looking at all of this, concerned, “as I travel along …” and then a long shot of the helicopter “the White Cliffs of Doverand we fade to black.

That’s it? That’s “The Return of Dr. Carter” that NBC’s been hawking for the past week? Twenty seconds? Is that all we’re going to see of him? Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but it really doesn’t seem worth the effort. However, nice job by Joanna Kerns. Just some advice, stay behind the camera and away from any more horrendous Growing Pains reunions.

No new episodes until the first week of March, so a nice break for me. And at least I have the Olympics and nice-looking men in form-fitting spandex to take my mind off the impending bigger dose of Carter and his buzz cut.


At 9:57 AM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You posted this at 6:45 a.m.? I am so impressed that I just had to post the first comment, even though I can think of very little to say about the Chi-chi-Cha-cha debacle except --who knew they were even on the show anymore? The secondary stories ranged from tolerable to likeable--Many Rivers to Cross is one of my favorite Jimmy Cliff songs--but that crazy druggy shooting spree stuff had about as much taste as the hole in the middle of the donut. And if anybody is going to recite Hamlet on this show, they should only do it in Croatian.

BTW I may be naive, but I don't think we're headed for a Sam-Luka-Abby triangle. In part because Neela seems so clearly to be the next candidate for triangulation . In part because I read more pity than longing into Luka's parting glance at Sam and Son of. , , . to me that moment seemed like the bookend to the moment in the season 10 Thanksgiving episode
when he watched them walk away after they invited and then un-invited him to dinner . Two years ago he decided to follow them; this year he turned away and found something new to smile about: CARTER! I always said those guys would be better off together.

At 1:08 PM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved the scene between Abby and Morris! It was classic! And I hope that Abby does slap him with that hole punch!!!
Albright is a true biatch, and I hope that we don't have to see Naked Morris!!!!
Only naked Croatians please!!!!

At 4:27 PM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another great recap! I look forward to the levity on Mondays. My favorite line this week: "I’m guessing that not only is the honeymoon over, but by the look on Neela’s face, Plank’s damn lucky that he’s not only half a world away but also that she doesn’t own a saw." Enjoy the Olympics!

At 6:26 PM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know, i love your recaps.
and i find it really just a little irritating that i can tell from them on which er boards you read ;o)

At 8:05 PM, February 13, 2006, Blogger CrankyRecaps said...

Um, okay, not really sure what this last comment is supposed to mean ... Please provide specifics. I purposely stay away from the boards and emails after an episode airs until I've finished and posted the recap, so that I'm not influenced by what other people are saying. But I guess since we are all watching the same show, we might see some things the same way. Like there will be some people who are actually looking forward to the return of Puff Smirky (I am not one of them, but it should be good for some snark), while I'm pretty sure we all can agree that Luka is, you know, sort of attractive. ;)

At 8:44 PM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

great recap...thanks so much!! i always enjoy reading them!

At 9:12 PM, February 13, 2006, Blogger Bel Vezer said...

Bwah!!! This just might be my favorite recap ever! Seriously. I can't wait til the baby is asleep to read these anymore because I laugh too loud. I've told ALL of my ER watching buddies about this site. (Yes, including Kat ;)

At 10:18 PM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The "crack-whore" line nearly made me pee in my pants. Seriously. I had to get up to go to the bathroom. You're fantastic! I LOVE these.

At 10:58 PM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm curious, how do you know that self-tanner tastes awful? That made me laugh...

At 1:02 PM, February 14, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please cranky disregard that utterly ridiculous comment made by the poster that found it "a little irritating..." I love your recaps and appreciate the time and effort that you put into them and I like that similar observations and feelings that I had turn up in your recaps. I mean aren't we all watching the same show! If people have a problem just simply don't logon or start your own blog! Anyway did you in the past write recaps for ER on Television Without Pity? Some of their better less bitter ones remind me of your writing. Just wondering....
Keep up the good work!

At 2:34 PM, February 14, 2006, Blogger Manic Witch said...

BID means "twice a day". Believe me, I have to write that shit all day long.

I was soooo loving the "Am not" "Are too" playground discussion between Abby and Morris. And yeah, like everyone else here-if I have to see nekkid Morris, I may have to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

At 6:23 PM, February 14, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was hilarious as usual! Oddly, my biggest laugh came at the Sid and Nancy reference because instead of Sid Vicious, I was thinking Sid the Sloth. And while my mind was in that Ice Age place, I noticed that the degrees of separation between that movie and this episode are probably in negative numbers. Not only are John Leguizamo and Goran Visnjic in it, but Ray Romano was in a movie with Maura Tierney and Denis Leary worked with Callie Thorne on his TV show. God, I need to get a life.

Anyway, thanks so much for doing these. They're funny and insightful and I look forward to reading them after every new episode.

At 8:58 PM, February 14, 2006, Blogger Eli said...

Great recap, like allways.

At 8:32 AM, February 15, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you again for the entertainment. I'm always amazed by your attention to detail. I just hope the writers find a way to keep the Luka/Abby storyline interesting WITHOUT adding Sam into the mix. Please. Enough with the triangles!!

At 1:10 AM, February 16, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I found this blog! Your recaps are equally as entertaining as the actual episode, and in such detail that if I missed the episode, its almost like I have seen it after reading your thoughts. I am so with you on the Luka love. Yummy :)
Thanks so much for doing these recaps, they make my day!

At 6:32 PM, February 16, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I agree too... the Luka/Abby/Sam triangle would be too much for the writers. Luka's going to have enough hormone swings on his hands through the pregnancy, and then Abby will have all the 1st time mom psychosis magnified. There's enough storylines there to last us a long time.

Terrific job as always!

At 2:33 PM, February 20, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find your recaps really well detailed and funny!
it's such a pleasure to read you after watching the episodes.
I'm French actually.I generally understand what they say but sometimes I don't catch everything, my english vocabulary isn't perfect ;)
What I'd like to say is that your recaps are really helpful, plus it's such a pleasure 'cause your comments are hilarious, I really enjoy your sense of humor!

Thanks you for doing such a great job,it must take you time to recap scenes after scenes
I really appreciate it and I hope you will continue

At 11:14 PM, February 20, 2006, Anonymous Kim said...

No kidding Snotty better watch that threatening Neela stuff. I'll bet Parminder Nagra still remembers those fancy footballer kicks from "Bend It Like Beckham", and I'd love to see her plant one right up Snotty's uptight behind! (And if Neela doesn't do it, I feel so protective of her character, I'll come up there and do it my own self!)

At 12:02 AM, February 23, 2006, Blogger Luka Goddess said...

You are the best! Luka/Abby/Sam triangle? Only in Abby's hormonally fueled imagination. Luka's 100% loyal and totally goofy for her. But Sam could still create a bit of interest along the way.


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