Monday, October 30, 2006

Note from Doctor

To Whom It May Concern:

Please excuse Cranky for not updating her recaps in a timely enough fashion. She has been battling an undetermined hair related illness for a few weeks now and as her private personal physician, I have prescribed extended bedrest and intensive salon treatments for her, administered by myself, of course. Complications have arisen in the form of a chest malady that has required my constant attention … and manual rubdowns. Cranky would like you all to know that she has not forgotten her recapping duties, though sustained and regular full body massages have taken up almost all of her time. She asks for your patience during her long and luxurious rinse cycle … I mean, recovery … and will post as soon as she is vertical … I mean, able.


Dr. Luka Kovac

Shampoo Boy … and MD

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

ER: 13.3 Somebody to Love

“Previously on ER” … Abby was standing up, gazing adoringly at and rocking her baby boy, Mongo Joe Kovac, better known as MoJo; Weaver told Morris that she’s no longer Chief of Staff; Morris yells up the stairs that he needs his job back; Pratt tells Morris that Luka’s lost his mind and is unbelievably going to offer him a job; Morris tells Weaver at the end of year/residents-advancing party that they’re colleagues, contemporaries and puts his arm around her and she’s all “Don’t touch” to him; Sam tells her boss, the low-talking Richard, aka Armand Assante, aka The Mambo Mumbler that she was afraid every day that they were going to come and arrest her and he tells her to stop worrying about; Son of Sam, New Alex, who I’m convinced is her love-child with Neela’s wooden-acting dead husband Michael Gallant, previously Plank and now Deadwood, and therefore shall now be referred to with a name befitting his “acorn not falling far from the tree” status, Splinter, stares blankly ahead as we hear Mambo in voiceover telling Sam to “focus on Alex”; Sam says that Splinter knows his dad is gone; Pratt tells then Paramedic now Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, through the com that he can’t put in an EJ, but Uncle Jesse lies to his partner and says that the ER okay’ed it; Pratt bitches at Uncle Jesse when they bring the patient in that he told him not to do that and his partner Zadro tells him “You’re dead”; Uncle Jesse lays the smackdown on some guys who called Neela a “bitch”; Pratt tells Uncle Jesse that he’s in his ER now, so he has to wear the labcoat as Neela asks incredulously “You’re a new Intern?”

Luka’s walking down the hall passing off stuff to Pratt and telling him that the Resident in-service exam is Friday as Uncle Jesse and the other Residents walk behind them. Luka tells them that practice questions are in the packet as Uncle Jesse complains that they just got here “Boss” and shouldn’t they learn something before he starts testing them. Luka rightfully ignores him like the annoying buzzing insect that he is and keeps walking as Pratt explains it’s to get a baseline and they’ll re-test them at the end of the year. And Luka is outfitted in one of his signature colors, Luka Blue II … yum … As they enter the locker area a Blonde Girl Intern asks if there’s a make-up date because she’s off on Friday and volunteers at Big Sister/Little Sister… Hey! It’s Busy Philipps who played Kim Kelly, the girl “Most Likely to Commit a Felony” on Freaks & Geeks. Oh, I am so looking forward to her scenes with Sam because Kim used to torture the hell out of Linda Cardellini’s character Lindsay on that show. Good times. Though I’m guessing if she’s all the volunteer-y type, I’m not going to be getting my jollies out of their exchanges on this show. Damn. Ray quips that he’s “post-call” which means he volunteers to sleep all day. As Luka grabs his jacket from his locker he shoots Ray a disapproving look and rebukes him “Too bad. Conference Room, 8:00 a.m.”. Ooooh … Is it wrong that I find authoritarian Luka really, really hot? And I’d be all into the Boss/Subordinate domineering, and dominatrix, games, too, Luka. Just saying. Though I’m gonna guess that judging from the new haircut you’re sporting that the Hair Salon is back in business and you probably don’t have time to play games outside of the Hairdresser and Shampoo Boy ones that you and Abby have apparently been at again. Bitch. Luka starts to walk out with them following. Luka says “Come on, guys”. As they keep going, Pratt asks who else is on. Luka tells him that Weaver is on at twelve and until then, Pratt’s in charge. Pratt asks about Morris as Chuny walks by saying that he just called and that he’s running late and to start without him. Luka keeps going to the board, but Pratt stops because he can’t believe Morris is late for his first shift as an Attending and asks if he said why. Continuing down the hall, Chuny yells over her shoulder that she couldn’t really understand him because it was windy and the music was loud. Cut to:

Morris in his BMW convertible, driving down the highway blasting music and singing at the top of his lungs. At least I guess that’s what it you’d call it, considering he’s listening to and screeching the theme to … The Greatest American Hero … of all the lameass early 80’s songs to pick … and there were a multitude to choose from. Morris is punching the air as he gets even more into it. Believe it or not … No, actually, I can’t believe you are really subjecting us to this song … I’m walking on air … and I’m squawking “Not fair” … I never thought I could feel so fre-e-e … I never thought I could feel such he-e-e-eaves … Flying away on a wing and a prayer … Trying to say that I just do not care … and Believe it or Not, the scariest thing is that I was singing along with him … I know! … I really don’t want to be revisiting the ‘80’s … and all its Bad Fads: cheesy songs, big hair, shoulder pads, Zubaz pants … and Menudo … shudders and … ugh … Though I do have to say this particular song brings back fond memories of George Costanza’s answering machine message on Seinfeld … “Believe it or not, George isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could *I* be? Believe it or not, I'm not home!” … Hee …

Luka is wiping off the see-through Board that it seems they’ve finally got around to replacing after it was shot up during the the Season Finale by Sam’s prison escapee ex-boyfriend, who I guess now considering she blew him away is her ex-ex boyfriend, Sleaze. Luka says that “rat-bite” kid is in Bed C as Sam tells him that he’s waiting on a shot of penicillin and “a piece of pizza”. Ooh, me too, Rat Bite. If your dishing, Sam, I’ll take a slice … Carrying a box, Neela walks up to the desk and Pratt says “Ah, the Surgeon is in” as she peers over saying that she thinks she left her badge here. Luka asks her if she’s nervous as Sam finds her badge and hands it to her. Neela’s all chirpy and responds “No, I’m okay”, then tells them “Happy round-ing” as she heads off towards the elevators. Uncle Jesse warns her “First day on rotation, don’t let those eggheads haze you”. Neela turns to look at him and walks into a huge lady in an Obama t-shirt and baseball cap yelling into a phone that she wants to talk to “Johnny” as Chuny rushes after her telling her “Ma’am, you’re going to have to call him back later!” Huge Lady bitches at her with what sounds like “Look-y here J Lo”. Hee. Chuny from the Block … Huge Lady shouts that she’s got ten minutes left on her call and she’s not signing anything until she talks to her attorney. Then into the phone she says with attitude, “Don’t you tell me that Johnny Cochran’s dead” … Hee. Neela watches all this, thanking the good Lord that she’s got a reprieve and is getting out of the asylum as Chuny yells after Huge Lady to give her a break. Neela turns back to continue on her way as Ray comes over and offers to give her a hand with the box. She assures him it’s not heavy and keeps going. We see a couple of electrician guys working on the lighting on one wall as Ray says that they found some bad wiring after the shooting and it turns out that the whole place is line a tinder box as Neela stares at and we get a lovely shot of Kneeling Electrician’s butt crack. Nice. Just say no to “crack”. Neela asks “Really? You got a light?” … Hee …

Zadro the Paramedic and his new partner are bringing in Jim Anderson, who’s got shortness of breath and a history of congestive heart failure. Zadro tells Uncle Jesse and Sam that they gave him nitro spray and 40 or Lasix. Uncle Jesse bitches that since the guy’s a chronic CHF’er, that 40 won’t do the trick. Zadro reminds him pissily that 40 is the protocol, but he doesn’t expect Uncle Jesse to give a damn. As they transfer him to a gurney in Trauma Yellow, Zadro fills them in that they picked Jim up in the hall of his apartment and apparently Jim is into some wild stuff because there were feather boas and stiletto heels. Really, Jim? Those things will reek havoc on your feet – trust me. And you look a bit old to be traipsing about on the platforms, maybe you might want to invest in a nice pair of pumps … or some granny heels. Oh, here’s a thought … how about some nice men’s shoes. Uncle Jesse quips that it looks like Zadro’s locker. Oh, that Uncle Jesse … what a jokester. Asshole … Uncle Jesse asks what meds Jim is on and Zadro tells him pointedly that it’s on the Paramedic’s sheet, which is also part of the protocol. Jeez … Uncle Jesse must have been The.Worst.Paramedic.Ever, not to mention the Most Annoying … give me Pickman or Doris any day … Uncle Jesse “smells a theme” and I’m smelling something a lot worse than that Uncle Jesse, and it’s emanating from you … Ugh … Please tell me this ep isn’t All Uncle Jesse, All The Time … if it is, this recap’s going to be shorter than my Carter Does Darfur one … Uncle Jesse bitches to Zadro that the chest lead wasn’t placed right and wants to know if that’s part of the protocol too … And judging from the look on Zadro’s face, I think there may just be someone who wants to smack Uncle Jesse more than I do … Zadro just shoots him a look … Uncle Jesse starts reading off all the meds Jim is on, and after more Lasix is pushed, Jim starts to wake up and struggle against the oxygen mask Sam has covering his face. Uncle Jesse says snidely to Zadro “Saved your ass again, Zades” … Oh, go on … Do it, Zadro .. You know you so want to … And I so want you to … and I missed WWE Friday Night SmackDown and my weekly ration of gratuitous violence last week, and really need to get caught up … so, please? For me? Let the asshole have it … But Zadro’s got remarkable restraint, and just walks out. Damn. Oh, well. Maybe Uncle Jesse’ll get all in Luka’s face and I’ll get to see him pummeled by The Pretty.

Uncle Jesse follows Zadro into the hallway as Zadro strides away. Uncle Jesse wants to know where Zadro’s famous sense of humor is. Zadro’s pissed and says that it was bad enough before but now he’s got to have Uncle Jesse playing him because someone was stupid enough to give Uncle Jesse a white coat. Um, Zadro … hate to break it to you … but Uncle Jesse’s doing his damnedest to be “The New Doug Ross” here, or didn’t you notice the dark shirt under the scrubs, the graying temples, sideburns, the attempt at the impish grin, and the five-o’clock-shadow on his face? Give it up Uncle Jesse. You’re much more Rosemary Clooney than George … Uncle Jesse wants to know what Zadro’s all pissed off about. Zadro bitches that he’s on probation for a month with limited shifts and no extra runs, and one wrong move and he’s finished. Uncle Jesse wants to know if it’s because of the two drunk guys he pounded outside of Ike’s while defending Neela’s honor, and if they pressed charges. Zadro says that the Bar Manager filed a complaint and the Chief has to make sure he feels it. Uncle Jesse didn’t hear anything about it. Zadro scoffs “Well, of course not. You’re Mr. Teflon. Only now it’s Doctor Teflon” … Uncle Jesse doesn’t think it’s any big deal because probation is only a month and Zadro gets all in his face “It’s my job, man! My job!” as Uncle Jesse notices that Luka, Pratt and the other Interns are at Admit, watching all this. Zadro thinks that the one good thing about Uncle Jesse working there is that he may just have to listen to someone besides himself for once and Zadro can’t wait to see the sparks fly. Zadro spits out “I’ll catch you later … Killer”, and leaves. Damn, Zadro. I think the number of lines you’ve had so far in this ep is twice the total amount you’ve had on this show, combined. Uncle Jesse looks around to see everyone in the ER staring at him and tries to explain that Zadro didn’t mean “killer, killer”, then starts to explain, realizes they all care less than I do, then orders like he’s in charge “Alright, back to work” and claps his hands, turning around and right into a nurse pushing Huge Lady in a wheelchair. Huge Lady is still yelling into her phone, this time asking for Barack Obama and bitching that they put him on. Uncle Jesse moves back out the way, then turns, not seeing Butt Crack Electrician still kneeling, and does a header over Butt Crack, landing on the floor where he stays, camera closing in on his face smushed against the linoleum … I’m wondering if this was supposed to be funny, though I’m smiling because at least the floor gave Uncle Jesse the smackdown he deserves. I thank the inventor of industrial grade floor covering as we move into the Opening Graphics Montage …

For a minute I think that I’ve accidentally changed the channels and put on La Cage aux Folles or Priscilla, Queen of the Desert or something, what with the wigs, showtune music playing and an old guy putting on makeup in front of a dressing room mirror. And hey, that’s Frasier’s dad, Martin Crane, from Frasier, played by John Mahoney. And since I Love the 80’s, he also played Ione Skye’s dad who wasn’t too keen on her dating John Cusack in Say Anything. Good times. A disembodied voice tells Martin or “Benny” here that his neighbor is on the phone and it’s “something about Jim”, and Martin looks a little scared. Cut to:

Martin, in men’s clothing and sans makeup, coming into the ER, carrying a Ziploc bag full of what look like pill bottles. He pushes past the throngs crowding the doorway and moseys over to the Security Desk. Without looking up, a bored Security Guard tells him to go to the Triage Desk. Martin doesn’t get it and starts explaining, so Bored says condescendingly “Tri-age Desk”. Martin’s looking way too thin these days and seems to have aged quite a bit since Frasier went off the air. He heads over to Triage where a bored Haleh tells him to fill out a form. He says that he’s there to see a patient, so she says “Oh, okay, then try this one” handing him a different form. Hee.

Pratt is walking around Admit as an Electrician Guy on a ladder hits something up above and sparks fly. Pratt tells him to take it easy and that they have enough patients already. Pratt spots Busy and tells her “Charity, I’ve got one for you” and she corrects that her name is “Hope”. Hee. He tells her that it’s an eight-year old girl who fell off her bike and Busy mutters “Oh, poor little angel” as she walks away. Ray watches her until Pratt tells him to “think fast” and tosses something at him. Ray asks what it is and Pratt tells him that it’s his lucky day and that Residents get to wear the new “Transport beeper”. Ray clarifies that if it goes off, he can sign out his patients and go, and Pratt agrees that if the Attending, i.e. him, thinks that the patient is critical and needs a physician transport, then yes, he can go. Ray thinks that’s “sweet” and leaves to go check the “Transpo” locker.

A woman who looks a lot like Iman comes up and asks Pratt if Luka is around. He’s all “Hey, how you doin’?” and tells her that he’s pretty sure “Dr. K” ran upstairs. Dr. K … is that like Special K? ‘Cause Luka sure is that pretty … and that special … and that is so is my favorite thing for breakfast … And I’m even into the Special K snack bites, too, Luka … Just saying … Yum … Pratt’s pretty sure he can help Iman with anything she needs. Iman gets all attitude-y and tells him that he represents this hospital and that’s how he approaches people asking for help at this desk? Pratt’s taken aback as we hear Luka ask “Angela?” She turns around and he tells her that he was waiting for her upstairs. She apologizes and says that her train was late then sarcastically says that she had the lovely opportunity to meet … and checking out his name on his labcoat adds “Dr. Pratt”. Luka gives Pratt a “huh?” look as Iman says acerbically, “Impressive”. She asks Luka if he’s got a minute and starts walking away as he says “Yeah sure” and mouths “What?” at Pratt with a “WTF did you do?” look as he follows … Hee … And who ever thought confusion could be so cute? Pratt scoffs and asks Haleh what the hell just happened, as a guy who looks a little like Usher responds “I think you just got served”. Pratt and Haleh chuckle and she introduces Usher as “Timmy Rollins” and that he’s filling in for Jerry. So, the big guy’s not back yet? Maybe he’s too busy eating all his mom’s paella … Haleh explains that Timmy was Jerry before “Jerry was Jerry”. Huh? So did Usher drop about 60 pounds, shrink a foot, change color and grow an afro? Oh, wait … that’s right … he was on this show like way “back in the day” … you know, when Mark actually had a little hair on top … when Carter was cute and the Smirk hadn’t emerged yet … Before Carol had been canonized and her holier-than-thou schtick became commonplace … And Susan Lewis was on … the first time. Awww … That reminds me … I still miss Susan … and Sherry Stringfield … and her hair. Usher says that he worked there in the mid-90’s and that he had to get out. Pratt asks if he means out of the hospital, and Usher says “out of Chicago” and that he lived in the Kalahari for a while, then he spent a couple of years mining uranium in the Siberian tundra … Oh, yeah … like ya do … He continues that he ran into a “misunderstanding” in Thailand and that landed him in a Banchang prison … but that most of the ‘90’s is still a blur, and I am so with you on that, Usher. Or at least, I wish it were. Would be nice if I could have 90210 and everyone calling each other “bro” expunged from my memory … along with Blossom, “The Rachel”, Milli Vanilli, and Tanya Harding … Pratt thinks it sounds “rugged”, and Usher says that he’d take Banchang over ER this time of year. Pratt “hears” that, because everyone knows that the Thai food you can get in those prisons totally beats steaks at Morton’s or the burgers at Ed Debevic’s. Usher thinks that the new Interns will mess you up worse than Chinese hash. And I’m with you on that, too, Usher, because I had Chinese hash for dinner the other night and that stuff has so been staying with me … yuck … Haleh chimes in “Ain’t that the truth” as Pratt gives her a “What’d you say???” look. Hee.

Iman and Luka go into the Doctor’s Lounge and she tells him that “it’s about the Curtis Ames case” and that Risk Management wants to meet tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. Luka asks “Curtis Ames?” and Iman reminds him “left-sided paralysis following an embolic stroke” and tells him that he placed a central line for pneumonia and that Ames boarded down there for three days. Three days? In the ER? Yikes. Hope it wasn’t back when the shit was dripping from the ceiling … ‘cause that would so suck for you, Curtis. Yuck. Luka is still not making the connection so Iman jogs his memory “February of ‘04”. February 2004? Wasn’t that when Luka first hooked up with Sam? Talk about dripping shit … Luka finally remembers, but tells her that he thought the case had “no merit”. Iman scoffs and says that Ames wants his day in court. Luka doesn’t get it because the lawyers told him something different and it’s been over a year since he gave a deposition. Usher interrupts and asks Iman if she’s “Angela, from Staff Affairs”. She introduces herself as “Miss Gilliam”, which Usher then repeats before telling her that there’s a Dr. Trimmons on the phone complaining about his privileges being suspended and she says condescendingly to “Tell him that the Anesthesia Chair has to keep his ACLS current, just like every other physician in this hospital”. Usher “okay, I got you, baby” ‘ s her … And she let him get away with that? After getting all uppity on Pratt’s ass? Nice, Iman. She turns back to Luka and tells him that malpractice suits are a waste of time and resources, but it happens to almost every doctor at some point, and it doesn’t reflect on his abilities as a physician. She heads out and smiles at him, telling him she’ll see him tomorrow, leaving him to brood prettily.

Uncle Jesse, with a bandage on the left side of his forehead, is whipping quickly through the patients in the Curtain Area and giving Sam a bunch of orders. She’s all on the Uncle Jesse bandwagon and tells Pratt to sign him up for more because “the man knows how to clear a bed”. And … Eww on the image you just gave me, Sam. Pratt’s not impressed and wants to know why two of Uncle Jesse’s charts are blank and he hasn’t filled Pratt in on the CHF guy, who I guess is Jim. Uncle Jesse says he’s stable and they’re waiting on labs as Martin enters. Pratt thinks the sat’s show that Jim is hypoxic and Uncle Jesse assures him it was before meds. Pratt’s not satisfied and wants to know what the EKG showed, but Uncle Jesse blows him off that there’s nothing to worry about. Haleh points out Martin and says that he’s there for Jim. Uncle Jesse asks skeptically if they’re family, but Martin explains “we’re business partners” and introduces himself as “Bennett Cray”. Pratt tells Uncle Jesse to take him back but to keep Pratt apprised. Uncle Jesse explains that they are waiting on Jim’s test results but could use some more information on his medical status. Martin points out that he brought in Jim’s meds. Uncle Jesse points out that Martin’s mascara is running, and he wipes at it, smiling and saying that it was “a long night”.

Dubenko, with his hair grown back almost to Lucien’s Luscious Locks length, is giving Neela the lowdown on what her days will be like in Surgery. He introduces her to the other two Interns. Sucks for you, Neela, losing two years of Residency. That’s what you get for your wishy-washiness. We hear some bitching about “the sweet urine of a hairless eunuch” and see the back of a bald pate … Hairless eunuch? Oh my God, please tell me Carter isn’t back … My stomach clenches as Dubenko starts to introduce Neela to the hairless head … But he says “Dr. Crenshaw”, and I breathe a sigh of relief as Crenshaw keeps bitching at some desk girl that “What I asked for was a freaking ginger ale!” as Dubenko keeps saying “Dustin?” and trying to get his attention. Crenshaw finally turns around and I start hearing “Here we are now going to the west side, Weapons in hand as we go for a ride ...” in the soundtrack of my mind because this dude sure looks like Moby. Dubenko tells Neela that Moby is the new Chief Resident, as Moby starts playing with his labcoat all imperiously. Dubenko tells him that Neela put in two years in the ER before defecting to become a “real doctor”. Nice, Lucien. Say that to Luka or Pratt. Or even Abby. She threatened to hurt you once before, remember. Moby says snidely “Wow. Took you that long to figure out you were wasting your time”. Ugh. For the love of God, why are all Surgical Chief Residents so atrocious? I thought we’d get rid of the snottiness since Jessica Albright, aka Snotty Surgeon, isn’t Chief Resident anymore. Guess not. Though the smugness factor would sure explain why Carter started out in Surgery … Neela doesn’t think of her time in the ER that way. Moby patronizes “Really? And why is that?” Neela shrugs and tries to explain that she developed clinical and procedural skills as Moby yawns dramatically and Dubenko just looks at him. Neela watches Moby with a WTF expression as she continues that she became proficient at ultrasounds, central lines, chest tubes, cutdowns. Moby, with his arms crossed, condescends theatrically, “Wow. You know what worries me? Maybe all of this is going to seem too … easy? You think? You think maybe there might be a chance that you might be … oh, what’s the word? … Bored? … By what we do? … Up here.” Asshole. Neela smiles uncertainly and says that she doesn’t think so. Moby says haughtily “Good”. Dubenko excuses himself, leaving them “to it”. Moby asks if someone wants to explain “to our international prodigy here” how they do wound rounds. You don’t just look like a scrotum, Moby … you are one. Ugh.

Uncle Jesse looks through the Trauma Yellow doors to see Martin seated next to Jim, stroking his hand. Uncle Jesse comes in and explains to Martin that Jim’s oxygen level is up and he should be waking up soon. Uncle Jesse asks if there is any family he should contact and Martin says that it’s just the two of them and that they come from a long line of homophobes and bigots. Uncle Jesse asks how long they’ve been together and Martin says over 15 years, that they found each other late and that Jim thought no one would ever love him and Martin had already resigned himself to being a lonely old drag queen. Jim wakes up and says that in the right light, Martin looks like Barbara Stanwyk in The Lady Eve … Really? Damn, love sure is blind … because it’s much more Dame Edna … Martin thinks now he looks more like Mrs. Doubtfire. Hee. Uncle Jesse excuses himself to let them talk.

Luka is walking through the Ambulance Bay, sans coat, as Sam follows, calling after him. She wants him to sign a wrist x-ray order for Huge Lady. He says “sure” and takes the chart from her. Sam tells him that she hears the baby is doing well, and Luka nods, smiles and says proudly that he’s starting to hold his head up as he signs the chart. Sam thinks that’s great. So do I … good for you, MoJo. I wonder if this ep represents the “time jump” they’d have had to do to get the storyline up to the current date. Bloodline would have still been in May, and the end of Graduation Day was at the time that the med students graduated and the Residents advanced, so that would have been July, right? If this is close to present day, would MoJo be like four months old or so? Considering he was two months premature, I guess that would put him at the right age developmentally. And what’s with the hideous gold clip holding back that mess of way-too-long hair, Sam? Just bad. You really need to stop shopping for your hair accessories at the Dollar Store. Sam looks at Luka a little apprehensively before looking away and starting “You know … we never got to talk about everything that happened”. Luka looks up at her and reassures her that it’s not her fault. Not looking at him, she protests “If it wasn’t for me …”, but Luka cuts her off saying “… if it wasn’t for you, I’d be dead”. Yikes. That’s right. And just thinking about that awful scene in 21 Guns is making my stomach ache … Ugh … Just once I’d like to get through this show without the use of antacids … Sam really did save The Pretty. Okay, guess I should probably cut you some slack on the beastly blonde bouffant … for now … Sam looks at him a little skeptically. He smiles and asks her sincerely, “How is everything?” She not convincingly tells him “It’s good” and then qualifies “pretty good” before admitting that Splinter is seeing a shrink, but he’s not really into it. Probably because the psychiatrist never took botany courses and doesn’t know how to talk to houseplants … Sam keeps babbling about how Splinter likes to keep his syrup bottled up, and Luka just smiles at her, leans down explaining “I meant with you”. Awww … He’s so sweet. And Sam’s just lucky he’s not touching her or her dark roots would really be showing in her hair after I yanked on a fistful. Sam tries to assure him that’s she fine, adding “really”, but she’s not at all believable. Luka looks at her, unconvinced. And since he can add horticulturalist to his long list of sexy specialties, he offers to try talking to Splinter. Luka Kovac, Tree Whisperer. Sam thinks Luka has enough “on his plate” and thanks him anyway. She starts to walk away, but he stops her and very fatherly-like, tells her not to beat herself up, and that she did what she had to do, it was self-defense. Before turning to go back in, Sam looks at him like she appreciates him saying that, but I’m just looking at him like I appreciate him … which I so do … because, how can you not? … I mean … damn … Especially in that shirt, and with that haircut … he is looking so mighty fine … Yum … And even though she’s not been in this ep yet, I just have to “bitch” Abby in absentia here … since she gets to have some of that yum yum … Bitch … But Sam’s also looking at him like she knows that what he just said is not true.

Busy is presenting her patients to Pratt, but instead of giving the bullet, she’s giving an in-depth biography of the “deeply devout immigrant”. Another Intern is all impressed that Busy bonded with her, but Pratt admonishes her “Okay, Felicity, hurry up and get to the point, will ya?” Hee. Busy keeps going on about how “Soledad” prays everyday for her family back in Chichicostaningo. Sounds like it may be where Victor Clemente, Attending, aka John Leguizamo, aka Chi-Chi Rodriguez from Too Wong Foo was from … Usher says that he got down to Chi-Chi for El Dia de los Muertos back in ’96. Now I know that must be where Chi-Chi came from because wasn’t he in Day of the Dead? No wait, he was Land of the Dead, which was one of its umpteen sequels, not to be confused with Dawn of the Dead, which Mekhi Phifer was in, or House of the Dead, which is pretty much where the careers of everyone but George Clooney and Maria Bello have been residing since they left this show … Haleh thinks you can’t deny that Busy is thorough. Busy keeps buzzing along until Pratt stops her and tells her that he doesn’t need the whole life story, he just needs to know why the woman is in the ER today. Busy starts to go into it, and ends up going off on a tangent again about the woman’s great uncle who died of a heart attack … Pratt stops her again and this time asks “What brought her to the ER?” Busy answers that it’s her heart, and Pratt thinks that’s good, they’re getting somewhere. He asks her if she thinks it’s an MI, or periocarditis, or dysrhythmia? Busy’s all “Welllll … she’s been unable to find a suitable church …” Pratt puts his head in his hand as Busy talks about how Soledad’s heart is aching for her family and her homeland. Pratt’s had enough and told her that diagnostically, what she just said is nothing, as we hear the sounds of a struggling coming as a patient is brought into the ER. A cop and Morris are trying to restrain a guy thrashing around on a gurney as Pratt, Sam and a security guard run over. Morris tells Thrashing Patient that he needs to stay in bed as helping to hold the guy down, Pratt sarcastically tells Morris that it’s good to see him and he’s glad he could make it. Pratt calls for haldol as Huge Lady takes pictures of the scene with her cell phone, all pleased and saying “Oh, this is Rodney King all over again”. Pratt yells over to her “Hey, lady! No pictures in here!” Sam tells her to get back to her bed, but she retorts that “Obama’s gonna see this”.

Martin and Jim are laughing as Uncle Jesse comes back into the room. Uncle Jesse asks how he’s feeling and Jim says better and wants Uncle Jesse to tell Martin to go because he has a show tonight. Martin explains that they are having a fundraiser for the Chicago HIV/AID’s Coalition. Fundraiser? Will the Carter Foundation be there? Will they be serving canapés? Jim says that Martin never misses a show. Uncle Jesse says that the tests show Jim didn’t have a heart attack, which Martin and Jim start celebrating until Uncle Jesse says that his kidneys aren’t working and he’ll have to go on dialysis. Jim doesn’t want to do it. Martin wants to know what other options there are. Uncle Jesse responds not very sympathetically “His options? … He’ll die. Very soon”. Nice bedside manner, Uncle Jesse. Martin and Jim share an “oh shit” look.

After commercial, Jim is still saying that he doesn’t want dialysis. Martin tries to tell him there’s no choice and Uncle Jesse jumps in that dialysis can substantially prolong his life. Jim is “sick of being sick”. Martin keeps trying to convince him, but Jim doesn’t want it. Martin pleads with him that they always said “Choose more life, no matter what”, then adds that Jim promised. Jim relents and they share a tender moment, heads together, as Uncle Jesse watches. Jim wants Martin to “call Lorraine”. Martin starts to protest, but Jim is pretty adamant. He wants Lorraine to bring “the boy” and he wants to see him. Martin doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Jim doesn’t want him to explain it to them, just tell them that he wants to see them. Martin gives in and says he will, as Jim seems to slip off to sleep or something. He explains to Uncle Jesse that Jim wants to see his sister and her son and that he never met them. Sam comes in and asks “So? Dialysis?” and Uncle Jesse says yes and that they should get him up as soon as they can, and Sam makes the call. Martin says that Jim was already 50 by the time he figured it out and he wanted to tell his family but they shut him down, so he just left. Sam tells Uncle Jesse that there are no openings now, but she told them they could start the dialysis down there in the ER. Uncle Jesse calls for some meds. Martin asks if he can use a phone and Sam tells him there’s one down the hall if he wants privacy. He walks out as Pratt comes in. Pratt bitches to Uncle Jesse about an incomplete chart and Uncle Jesse doesn’t seem to care and just says “I didn’t get to it yet”. Pratt’s pissed and doesn’t think that’s good enough and asks Sam if she’s okay with Jim because he wants Uncle Jesse to come with him. They leave and Pratt gripes that he has enough problems without Uncle Jesse pissing off the other departments by not keeping current with his charts. Uncle Jesse complains that he’s trying to use his time well as Pratt retorts “not well enough” and orders him to get the chart up to date as he walks off.

Pratt rounds the corner and comes upon Weaver, who is just entering, carrying a coffee cup. He’s all happy to see someone who knows what she’s doing. Weaver asks if he’s had a rough morning and he tells her that he’s glad to have her on the floor. Busy comes over calling for Pratt to come check something as Another Intern says not until Pratt listens to his bronchial patient. Weaver asks if he’s tried neb yet, and Another just looks at her. She tells him not to worry, she’ll show him. Another tries to say that he’s with Pratt today. Pratt scowls and shakes his head as Weaver says “Okay”. Busy goes on to Pratt that she still needs to present something to him, and Weaver says that she can help with that. Busy and Another just stare at her. Pratt explains that this is “the esteemed Dr. Weaver in the house” and tells them to take advantage of her knowledge and present to her. That’s nice, Pratt. Weaver seems pleased, too. But Pratt can’t leave it alone and tells them to “soak up all her decades of experience” and Weaver’s all “Decades? What am I … a fossil?” Hee. I love Weaver. Pratt tells the interns to go run and hide and they’ll be in there in a minute. He and Weaver continue down the hall and she assures him she’s fine … she’ll push charts, and help clear some beds. He hopes this isn’t awkward. She questions “What? That you and I are equals now?” and he smiles. Apparently Weaver’s been to the Salon too, considering she’s sporting a new flattering face-framing ‘do that’s more brownish than her usual red.

Zadro brings in Hector Rodriguez … hey, any relation to Chi-Chi? Hector’s all bald and tattooed. Zadro says he was found down on the sidewalk. Hector spots Uncle Jesse and apparently they know each other. Uncle Jesse asks “Cueball? What are you doing here?” Cueball says it was some kind of misunderstanding and Zadro fills in that there’s a history of ETOH, which means alcohol abuse. Thanks, MedHelp. Uncle Jesse says he knows and wants to know if Cueball vomited any blood, but he says he didn’t this time. Lovely. He complains that he was just sleeping and some “skank” called 911. Zadro wants to know where Uncle Jesse wants Cueball. Pratt comes over and tells Busy to take Cueball to Exam 3. Uncle Jesse protests that’s he’s got him, but Pratt ignores him and tells Busy to check the crit and look for signs of trauma. Uncle Jesse dissents, but Pratt tells him to finish his chart.

Busy escorts Cueball down the hall and asks if one of his tattoos is the Bleeding Heart of Jesus, and Cueball, all touchy feely with himself and his tats says that it sure is. Busy asks “Isn’t God great?” and checking her out, Cueball tells her “You ain’t so bad yourself, honey”, as Busy gets all flustered and offended, and I get all nauseous.

Sam brings Jim family in to see him. Martin introduces himself to Jim’s sister, Lorraine, and she in turn introduces her brother, Harold, and her son, Brian. Martin tells them that Jim wanted to see his family. Harold, who looks a lot like a real old Raj from What’s Happenin’? scoffs “Now? Like this? That’s par for the course”. Jim starts deteriorating again and Sam calls for someone to get Uncle Jesse and Pratt.

Pratt does an ultrasound and tells the family that Jim’s heart is not pumping well enough. Sam asks if he has an advanced directive. Raj asks if she means like a DNR. Martin says no and that he talked to Uncle Jesse about that. Raj wants to know why they are asking about a DNR. Sam explains that they need to know how far Jim would want them to go. Martin answers “whatever you can do” as Jim’s family talks over each other that they didn’t know he was this sick. Raj wants to know what Jim’s chances are. Pratt thinks possible if they get him on dialysis and avoid another cardiac incident. Raj thinks Jim has been sick for years and is not the type to want to be kept alive on machines. Martin tries to tell them that he and Jim have discussed this quite a bit. Raj says they need a minute to figure this out. Martin says that he might be able to be of help since he and Jim are such “good friends” and they’ve been working together for quite some time now. Raj thanks him but says that it’s a “family matter”. The family huddles and Martin stands there, looking at Jim. Raj dismisses him, saying they’d like some privacy. Oh, poor Martin. He says he’ll step outside and leaves. Martin looks in from the doorway.

They’re getting ready to start the dialysis and Pratt tells them to hold on and calls Sam over. He wants to know where Uncle Jesse is and why Jim’s chart is blank. Sam tries to explain that Uncle Jesse goes fast and probably fills out the paperwork later, but doesn’t sound too convinced herself. Pratt asks if she’s got Jim’s meds in her nursing notes, and of course she does, because Sam’s inherited the Super Nurse mantle from Abby, who had inherited it from Saint Carol. Pratt calls for calcium and explains it’s to stabilize Jim’s heart, and then they’ll figure out what’s next.

Weaver and Busy are walking to Admit. Weaver asks Haleh for a head sheet and a three-pack of Vicadin. Haleh apologizes and tells her that they got rid of head sheets about a year ago and they’re not allowed to dispense meds from the ER anymore. What? That’s ridiculous. And it’s also ridiculous that Weaver wouldn’t already know this stuff. I know she’s been in Administration, but they have shown her taking shifts in the ER to “keep up her skills” as Susan told us in Season 11. Susan … I miss Susan … and Sherry Stringfield … and I’m really hoping her hair doesn’t end up in the House of the Dead like all the other ER leftovers … Weaver can’t believe it and wants to know what a patient is supposed to do if they can’t get to a pharmacy. Haleh thinks she’s preachin’ to the choir, and adds “sister”. Hee. Haleh liked it better when Weaver ran the joint. Weaver drums her fingers on the desk as Busy smiles at her. Weaver gives a “this is just great” smile back.

Martin is still watching from the door as Pratt is shocking Jim’s heart. He’s still in v-fib and Sam resumes compressions. Uncle Jesse bursts in asking what happened. Pratt calls for an amp of epi as Uncle Jesse asks why Jim isn’t dialyzed. Sam says that they gave him calcium and now he’s crashing. Brian wants to know if Jim is dying. Martin walks in, his watch beeping. Pratt asks what that alarm is and Martin says that it’s time for Jim’s afternoon meds and that he gets doses of glyburide, Lasix and dig. Pratt’s all “What?” and asks if Martin said “dig”. Martin explains that he gets 0.25 mg’s of digoxin and shows them that it’s right there in the bag he brought in. Pratt tells everyone to step back while they work on Jim. He calls to charge to 360 again. Speaking low, Pratt says to Sam and Uncle Jesse that no one said anything about dig. He then bitches that Sam told him diavan, and she says that’s what she was told. Pratt wants to know by who, the paramedic? Sam looks pointedly over at Uncle Jesse. Pratt sees her look and asks Uncle Jesse what Zadro’s sheet says. Uncle Jesse reads it and says dejectedly “digoxin”. Pratt wants to know why they didn’t look at the med bottles, and Uncle Jesse says they didn’t have them yet. Pratt bitches that Jim has high levels of calcium from the dig and that he pushed a whole bunch more, enough to stop his heart, because Uncle Jesse couldn’t slow down enough to read the med sheet right. Uncle Jesse glares at Pratt as Martin asks what’s going on. Pratt tells him that the drugs they gave him have irritated his heart. He shocks Jim again, but there’s no change. Martin wants to know what else they can do. Uncle Jesse asks “What about digibine?” Pratt thinks that depends on Jim’s DNR status and asks if they’ve come to a decision. Raj says they’ve decided it’s enough now, and it’s time to let him go. Martin protests and says that Jim wants to fight. Raj thinks he has no one to look after him, but Martin says Jim has friends and a support system. Raj wants to know who’s going to take care of Jim – him? Martin comes back that he always has. Raj says that they’re his blood and they don’t think he’d want to suffer through all of this for a little extra time. Martin thinks they don’t know that, because they don’t know him. But Martin does. And Martin admits adamantly that he loves him. Raj says that he asked him once politely to go and that he has no part in this. Fuck off, Raj. This sucks. Martin looks pleadingly at Uncle Jesse, who tells Raj that they can treat Jim with something called digibine that will give him a fighting chance. Pratt says that he’s been in arrest for seven minutes, as he stands there with his hands in his pockets while Sam, looking pretty tired, continues to do CPR. Nice, Pratt. I know that’s no lady, it’s just Sam, but still … Pratt says that Jim’s heart isn’t salvageable. Martin begs him to wait. Pratt says that they, meaning Sam, will continue CPR as long as there is hope for a meaningful recovery, but Pratt’s not optimistic. Out of breath, Sam asks if they want to come closer and be with James. Pratt stares down Uncle Jesse and tells him to call it in five minutes and walks out. Uncle Jesse, who was bagging Jim, says that he’ll be right back and follows Pratt out, without even asking the nurse, who rushes to take over, to take over. What is it with these men?

Uncle Jesse goes into the hall and tells Pratt that they caused this to happen but Pratt retorts “No, you caused this to happen”. Uncle Jesse wants a shot at fixing it. Pratt tells him that he’s never going to save Jim. Uncle Jesse comes back at him that the family isn’t Jim’s caretaker, Martin is. Pratt says there is no living will and no durable power of attorney, and they have to go with the blood relatives. Uncle Jesse thinks they have a chance and that this is a teaching hospital, and tells Pratt “Teach me”. Ugh. I really dislike Uncle Jesse. And this ep is just totally dragging … as is this recap … I guess I’ve come this far I should just finish the damn thing … Again, ugh. Pratt sarcastically replies, “Oh, you want to learn? Okay, here you go. That man’s gonna die. That’s what needs to happen right now. So forget about the digibine”. Pratt tells him to give him lidocaine and one more round of epi, then he can pronounce Jim. Then really pissed he asks “Understood?” Uncle Jesse just nods a little. Uncle Jesse goes back in and takes over the bagging again. He looks over at a totally disheveled Sam and asks if she need a break. Finally! Assholes. She says sure and he takes over the compressions. He calls for the lidocaine and epi, then sneaking a look at Martin, orders the digibine. Uh oh, Uncle Jesse. You’re just determined to get a smackdown in this ep, aren’t you? Sam looks at him incredulously as Raj questions that he thought the other doctor said not to. Uncle Jesse says that Jim expressed a clear desire for resuscitation earlier and that this is a fixable condition. Sam, looking all sweaty, asks Uncle Jesse if he discussed this with Pratt. Uncle Jesse says that yes, they “discussed” it. That Uncle Jesse … what a rebel. Breaking rules … going against specific orders from his Attending … doing what he thinks is right, and not listening to anyone else … You know … That reminds me of someone … I’m thinking we don’t need to revisit Carter anymore, not that we actually needed to in the first place, but we definitely don’t now because Uncle Jesse has stepped into the role of resident self-righteous asshole quite nicely. And has staked out his claim on my last nerve just like Carter had before him. Now all he has to do is get involved in a love triangle and the substitution will be complete … Hmmm …

Busy is examining an Old Lady’s eyes and she asks if she’s going blind. Busy replies sympathetically, “Oh, bless your heart”. Weaver tells her to check the interocular pressure with a tonal pen, and Busy says she’s not sure how to use that. Too bad neither Abby or Neela are around because Chi-Chi showed them how to use one last year. Weaver tells her she’ll be right back and walks over to Admit. Morris, Usher, and Ray, who’s all Space Cowboy’ed out in a Luka Blue colored jumpsuit are checking out Busy. Ray asks Weaver how Busy’s doing. Weaver replies that “she’s very … uh … devoted”. Hee. Morris says that she’s diligent, inquisitive, likes to discover new things, all attributes he likes in a “newbie”. Then makes a “mmm mmm mmm” sound as he continues looking at Busy’s ass. Weaver tells him he’s disgusting, and I am so with you on that, Kerry, though I am a bit surprised it took you this long to figure that out. Weaver’s moving Ray’s space helmet and asks who left it there, and Usher and Morris stereo “Ray”. Ray complains that if he gets a page he’s got less than five minutes to get on the roof. Weaver asks where the tonal pen is and Morris says that they had two stolen, because checking your eye pressure is just all the rage these days. He says they wound up on eBay, because you can get It on eBay, including stuff you stick in your eye. Good times. Morris says that they now have to lock everything up and uses a key that he has on a ribbon around his neck to open the file cabinet where they keep that stuff. He boasts that only Attendings get a key, and Weaver bitches that she is an Attending, then rips the key off his neck. Hee. She struts away and reminds Ray as she goes “Make sure you check under the hood”. Hee. Usher asks Morris if there’s any rule about Desk Clerks dating doctors, and gestures towards Busy. Morris tells him “Shut up, Not Jerry”. Hee. Then he says that he’s got dibs. You just had to ruin the laugh I was just sharing with you by being an asshole, didn’t you, Morris? Ray’s beeper goes off and he gets all excited that there’s a pile up in Northbrook, and he puts on the helmet as he rushes off. Yeah, you go, Ice Man.

Uncle Jesse’s still doing compressions on Jim. And of course because besides being the New Doug, Uncle Jesse’s also the New Carter, Jim goes into sinus rhythm. He tells Martin and the others that they got Jim back, for now. Martin’s all happy and moves closer, telling Jim that he’s there. Uncle Jesse thinks Jim’s vitals are good enough for dialysis and tells Sam to get the tech back in there. Haleh brings a couple of guys to the door and tells Martin that two of his friends are there. And these guys look their alter egos are drag queens, too. Martin asks if she’ll tell them he’ll be out in a minute as Jim’s family looks the “friends” over. Martin explains that the two “guys” work with them. Raj thinks his brother was a lot more screwed up than they realized. Martin says he’s sorry that Jim never told them. Raj says they knew Jim was an oddball and they thought he just fell into a sad, lonely life, but they never realized that he was a … and he spits this word out “Degenerate”. Martin’s all offended and comes back at Raj that Jim isn’t a degenerate, and that his life hasn’t been a waste and that he knows it would be easier for them to believe that. Lorraine says that Jim lied to them for years, but Martin protests that Jim didn’t want to, but he didn’t see any other way. Raj tells Martin that he needs to go now, but Martin says that he’s not going anywhere. Raj yells that if Martin wants to take care of Jim, then fine and starts to storm out. Martin pleads that it doesn’t have to be like that. Chuny comes in and says that they need another doctor in Trauma Green because their patient is crashing. Uncle Jesse calls for a vent then goes into Trauma Green as they:

Roll in Cueball who’s pressure’s dropped to 80. Busy is busy murmuring and praying. Uncle Jesse asks what she’s doing and Chuny thinks it’s the 23rd Psalm. Chuny says that Cueball doesn’t have a line and Uncle Jesse wants to know why, then yells at Busy to stop it. Busy all upset and saying that Cueball’s vitals were good and his only complaint was shoulder pain. Uncle Jesse tells her to calm down and asks her to repeat if she said “shoulder pain”, which she did. He then tells Chuny to type and cross four units as Weaver bursts in the room, asking what happened. Uncle Jesse tells her that Cueball’s an alcoholic who presented with shoulder pain and hypotension. Weaver says to prep the belly for ultrasound as we cut to:

A park bench. Camera pans around the bench and we see first a baby in a stroller, and then a woman sitting leaning over him, playing with his fingers. Hey, it’s Abby! Almost didn’t recognize her in the sunglare and the lighter shade of hair. So that must be MoJo … but, damn … that kid is huge! I mean, I know Luka’s like 6’4” and all, but that baby’s waaaaaaaaay to large to actually be MoJo. Since they’re outside, I’m guessing this part of the ep was filmed in Chicago, so this must be the “Chicago MoJo” … like the stand-in, or stunt baby … and I suppose they grow them big in the Midwest … Chicago MoJo is cooing at her … Awww … Before we see her, we hear Neela say “Hey ya!” and Abby says “hey!” as Neela comes over, with Morris in tow. Oh, great. Abby’s about as thrilled to see him as I am because she says to Neela in a sing-song voice “I thought you said you were coming alone”, as Neela winces a little with a “sorry” expression. Hee. Morris is all indignant as he leans over Chicago MoJo, saying “Oh, come on, it’s me ‘Uncle Archie’”, then he and Neela start fussing about how cute Chicago MoJo is. And he really is. Morris thinks he looks more like Luka and Abby responds “They say they usually look more like the father in the beginning … I think it’s Nature’s way of making sure that ‘daddy’ doesn’t get all insecure and club us to death”. Hee. Chicago MoJo keeps playing with Abby’s fingers and lifts them up over his head and she chuckles. Awww. Morris asks if he can hold Chicago MoJo, and then before Abby can say anything, answers his own question saying “Sure, he wants me to hold him” and picks Chicago MoJo up out of the stroller. Then Chicago MoJo becomes my friend for life by spitting up on Morris. You go, Chicago MoJo! Morris is like “no problem” as Abby hands him a spit-up rag. Then Chicago MoJo furthers my love for him by doing it again. Hee. Morris doesn’t seem to mind and says that he missed this part with his kids as he walks a little away with a vocalizing Chicago MoJo, who I am so hoping compliments the spitting up by dumping out his other end … Neela sits down on the bench next to Abby and tells her that she’s happy to see her. Abby says that she was going stir crazy in the apartment and thought she’d take a walk and try paging her. Camera angle switches so we can actually see her, and I must say, Abby is looking totally fab-by. Not only is the hair lighter, but she’s looking a bit tan, and calm. Calm? With a little baby? Methinks the Hair Salon has gone through with its expansion of services and has become a full Day Spa now. They’ve obviously invested in a tanning bed, and considering how relaxed Abby seems, and how good both she and Luka look, I’m guessing on mud baths, whirlpools and massage tables built for two as well. And there must have been some serious repeating going on with the rinsing because it looks like the Shampoo Boy has perfected his highlighting technique - Abby’s hair looks marvelous. Bitch. How the hell does she look so good with a baby so young? And how is it she’s even dressed and outside? When I was on maternity leave, I was lucky if I got a shower on the second Tuesday of every month with an “r” in it … Bitch … And I have to ask, is she breastfeeding? … ‘Cause I don’t remember Victoria’s Secret carrying nursing bras, and judging from the fuchsia colored one she’s got on, that’s where she’s been shopping. Abby’s got her right elbow resting on the top of the bench back and is leaning her head on her hand as she asks Neela how Surgery is. She says that she thought it would be nice to get back to work and distract herself from stuff, but that her new Chief is such a “rectal tissue”. Hee … That is so becoming my new favorite put-down … Thanks, Neela. Abby chuckles. Neela continues that it’s all misery. Morris comes back over to Abby and tells her that she’d better take Chicago MoJo because it’s “starting to get gross”. That’s my boy, Chicago MoJo! Abby says sarcastically “Thanks a lot, Morris” as he hands Chicago MoJo back to her and sits down on her other side. And that must have been some magic spit-up rag because there are no remnants of the contents of Chicago MoJo’s stomach visible on Morris’ jacket. Morris wants to know if Abby’s loving motherhood. And smiling at the baby she’s like “Yeah”. Well, duh, Abby. If I looked that fab AND had a spa complete with a live-in Shampoo Boy in addition to an adorable, if gigantic, baby, I’d be loving motherhood, too, instead of spending all my time wishing that just once I could go to a restaurant that had real tablecloths and didn’t have chicken nuggets on the menu. Abby goes on “It’s bizarre”, and I am so with you on that, Abby. Morris asks “sore nipples”. Hee. Neela tells him to “shut up” before I can as Abby grins. Chicago MoJo starts fussing a little. And seeing how straight up Abby’s able to hold him, I’m thinking that baby looks more like he’s ready to start asking for the keys to the Explorer, rather than “he’s starting to hold his head up”, Luka. Neela’s beeper goes off as Morris says that he thinks Chicago MoJo is hungry, and Abby says “Maybe”. Maybe? Well, of course he’s hungry – look at the size of him for God’s sake! Neela says that she has to get back and Abby thanks her for coming. Neela tells Chicago MoJo that it’s very nice to see him, and it’s a good thing you say that now, Neela, because this is probably the last time you’ll see this Chicago MoJo, most likely be the LA Mr. MoJo risin’ next time. Neela kisses his cheek, then tells Abby it was nice to see her as well, and kisses her cheek before starting to head off. Abby shhhh’s the fussing Chicago MoJo and puts him up on her shoulder. Neela tells Abby to call if she needs anything, and Abby says okay and that she’ll be back to work “next month”. Jeez, considering the size of Chicago MoJo, did Abby get like 8 months maternity leave or something? Bitch. Neela heads off as Abby rubs Chicago MoJo’s back, telling him “okay” and trying to keep him from really crying. Then she says she thinks she needs to feed him. No … ya think? Abby looks at Chicago MoJo as Morris says he is “down with that” and thinks that breastfeeding is a beautiful, natural thing, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Abby looks at him and tells him wryly, “You’re not sneaking a peak at my tits, Morris”. Ha!!! Thank you, Maura Tierney, for giving me a huge laugh in this otherwise totally blah episode. That was hilarious. Morris is all resigned “Okay”, as Abby just looks at him until he gets up and leaves, but not before he glances down at her chest. Hee. Then Abby smiles broadly at Chicago MoJo. Awww. That’s cute.

Cueball is unconscious and Weaver is trying to get him to wake up. Uncle Jesse says “14 gauge in the right wrist” and Chuny’s all impressed and wants him to teach her that one. Can I even tell you how bored I am by Uncle Jesse and his being The.Best.Intern.Ever? And this is only the third episode of the season. If he’s this grating already, how the hell am I going to make it through the rest of them? I don’t think the liters of wine are going to cut it. Maybe Usher’s Chinese hash? Or maybe I can go to Chinatown and get some of that herbal gum that dulls your nerve endings like Beth got on NewsRadio so that she could beat Andrea Planbee’s polygraph test. Good stuff. And … good times. Moby bursts in with Neela on his heels and asks if this is the ruptured spleen. Chuny says that the foley’s in and Cueball asks, though it’s muffled by his oxygen mask, “Who’s touching my dick?” Uncle Jesse quips “Not me, Cueball. That was only one time when I was extremely lonely”. Ewww … and ugh … Weaver explains that it’s a catheter, cause she all about the non dick touching, too. Cueball seems to be doing better and is all coming on to Busy again, wanting to know “What’s goin’ on?” That’s what Moby wants to know to, because he thought Cueball was going upstairs. Weaver says that Uncle Jesse discovered that there was some internal bleeding. Of course he did. And here it’s Neela’s turn to be all impressed that he caught that. They are just spreading this shit on thick, aren’t they? Cueball’s all down with the Uncle Jesse love, but I’m too annoyed to consult the Urban Dictionary to figure out what the hell he just said. Whatever it was, Weaver thinks it’s “high praise, indeed”. Neela thinks the chest sounds clear. Moby wants to know what she’s doing and she says she’s examining the patient. Moby snottily tells her that it’s a little crowded and to step back and write up the H&P, and then says that he will dictate to you. Ugh. Is this scene over yet? Two assholes, no waiting. Weaver looks at him like “have a dick, are one”, as Neela looks abashed. He starts dictating in the most condescending tone possible and he’s so obnoxious and asking if he’s going too fast for her that I’m not transcribing this in protest, and I suggest you do the same, Neela.

Pratt comes up to Sam in the hallway outside Trauma Yellow. He wants to know if they’ve pronounced Jim and Sam says no, and that the digibine worked. Pratt slams down the chart he was looking at and storms off. Please, oh, please, let this be where I finally get my heavily anticipated Uncle Jesse smackdown …

Moby is telling Neela to check a quick rectal, and she shoots him a “you’re the rectal here, pal” look as Pratt bursts in and immediately starts yelling at Uncle Jesse. He wants to know “What part of ‘no digibine’ did you not get?” Uncle Jesse just answers “It worked”. Pratt bitches that he got Jim’s heart working but his brain’s failed and now he’ll be comatose in the ICU for three weeks until the rest of his organs fail. Uncle Jesse patronizes that Pratt doesn’t know that for sure. Pratt’s really pissed and wants to know what Uncle Jesse just said to him. Uncle Jesse comes back at him and says that he’s an Intern, not an idiot. Don’t sell yourself short, Uncle Jesse … you’re a tremendous idiot. The bitching starts flying back and forth as they yell over each other, and I move on to tequila to help get me through the next ten minutes of this crapfest. Pratt gets in Uncle Jesse’s face and tells him that he’s been in this ER for five years. Is that all? Feels like forever, Pratt … Pratt continues that he’s worked his way up to Attending and if Uncle Jesse thinks he’s going to stand there and spout that crap to him, then they’ve got a lot more to talk about. And even though Uncle Jesse laid out those Ex-Frat Boys pretty easily last ep, I’d bet on Pratt so kicking his irritating ass. Pratt tells Uncle Jesse to get the hell out, and Uncle Jesse’s all full of attitude and just stares at him defiantly before backing down and saying that he was out of line, but Pratt repeats for him to get the hell out. Uncle Jesse shouts that he’s working on Cueball but Pratt tells him “not anymore”, and that his shift’s over. They stare each other down before Uncle Jesse pushes roughly past Pratt. Pratt tries to get himself under control as everybody keeps working on Cueball and getting him ready for the OR, and trying to pretend that they didn’t just witness that supreme act of disobedience by Uncle Jesse. Oh, I soooo want him to try that with Luka, so I can see me some of the Severely Strict Superb Slav Sexily Subjugating Subordinates … yum …

Uncle Jesse is at the table in the lounge, filling out his charts and looking mightily befuddled. Pratt comes in and says that he thought Uncle Jesse was gone. Uncle Jesse unnecessarily says that he’s working on his charts. He admits to Pratt that he knows he made a mistake but qualifies it that Jim would have needed calcium anyway. I so hate apologies that aren’t really apologies. Ugh. And I’ve unfortunately had to say that way too much in this recap. Again, ugh. Pratt thinks that if he knew about the dig he would have used a much lower dose. Uncle Jesse bitches that he said he was wrong and wants to know what Pratt wants from him. He wants Uncle Jesse to say that he’ll never flat out disregard something Pratt tells him to do or not do again. Uncle Jesse justifies that Jim would have wanted the digibine and that his partner wanted it. Pratt thinks it was a judgment call that wasn’t Uncle Jesse’s to make. Uncle Jesse stands up and gets all indignant “If you can’t give way to my judgment on a patient that I’ve been treating …” and stops when he sees Pratt’s unaffected by this. He scoffs and Pratt asks “What?” and Uncle Jesse says “nothing” and sits down again. Pratt tells him that from now on he has to chart as he goes and no more saving the paperwork until the end of the day. And the next time Uncle Jesse doesn’t do what any Attending tells him to do, he’s going to get “bum-rushed” right out of the program. Pratt starts to walk out and Uncle Jesse says that he realizes he was wrong from Pratt’s point of view, which pisses Pratt off. Uncle Jesse continues that because of digibine Jim has a chance. Pratt can’t believe that Uncle Jesse really believes he saved Jim. He then says “Well, then he’s got to have a corneal reflex” which Uncle Jesse concedes he doesn’t. Pratt spouts off a couple of other things that should be there if Jim were going to have a chance at recovery, and none of them are. Pratt then sarcastically commends him on a “great save”, then walks out. I like that as an Attending, Pratt basically has to deal with himself … well, himself in the form of Uncle Jesse. I guess that not only is Uncle Jesse the New Doug Ross, and the New Carter, but he’s also the New Pratt. He’s just completed the Totally Terribly Tiresome Trifecta … And even though Uncle Jesse is even more obnoxious than Pratt was when he first came on the show, Pratt behaved in the Carteresque “I’m right and I’m going to totally disregard all others’ advice” way, too. Like when he basically did the same thing Uncle Jesse did in the Dead Again ep when he resuscitated a guy he shouldn’t have who was basically brain dead and Carter called him on doing it “just because he could”. But where Carter never actually learned to stop doing that, case in point, going against Dakarai’s counsel in Darfur and unnecessarily endangering lives, Pratt seems to have had some real character growth and is taking his role as an Attending very seriously.

Neela is outside the Operating Theatre watching Moby operate on Cueball. Dubenko comes over and asks how her first day is going. Neela bitches about how Moby won’t let her scrub in and makes her do dressing changes on the floor instead. Dubenko admits that Moby is “stern”, which is his nice way of saying “dick” … Moby Dick … Hee … Neela keeps complaining that she’s an Intern, and calls him “Lucien” and that nurses do wound changes. Dubenko walks away saying that it’s Moby’s call, because he really doesn’t want to be bothered with the bitchin’. Neela follows him and goes on that Dubenko assured her that this would be a step up and wants to know why he recruited her to the program if she wasn’t going to get to do anything. Never thought I’d say this after she ditched the indecisiveness, but Neela’s starting to annoy me to with this whining. Dubenko thinks they have to break her of bad habits and she wants to know if she’s a pony. Oh, so help me God if he makes a joke about riding her … Instead he just sort of grins at her as she asserts that she doesn’t need to be broken and she doesn’t think she’s going to learn or unlearn anything by standing out in the hall. He tells her that she’s in a different culture now and this is how they “shake the ER out of you”. Don’t you just scrape it off, like gum from your shoe … or dog doo or something … He says they then build you up again as a surgeon. Neela wants to know if it has to be so humiliating. Uh, duh … Didn’t you ever work with Romano, Neela? ‘Cause that was a stupid question.

Uncle Jesse’s all dressed to leave, with his collar up on his neck because that’s what all the cool kids do … in the ‘80’s … when Miami Vice was still on … He walks over to the doors of Trauma Yellow. Martin spots him and comes out. Martin tells him that he was wondering where Uncle Jesse went. Uncle Jesse explains that he was taken off the case. Martin says diplomatically that he thought he detected some “tension”. He asks Martin where Jim’s family is, but Martin says they won’t stay as long as he’s there. Uncle Jesse thinks it’s nice that his friends came, and Martin says they want him to go do the show. Uncle Jesse says that they’re going to move Jim to the ICU and they won’t know anything for 24 hours so maybe he should go. Martin asks Uncle Jesse gravely, “He’s not coming back from this, is he?” Uncle Jesse hems and haws and Martin tells him that he’s been around hospitals long enough to get that Uncle Jesse made a mistake with the dig that contributed to Jim’s heart problems. Uncle Jesse apologizes and Martin tells him that he treated Jim well, treated them both well and “we appreciate it”. Martin thinks maybe Jim’s family was right and maybe he was ready, that it had been coming for a long time. Martin then smiles and says that he belongs to a rare tribe constitutionally incapable of giving up on fantasy. Oh, like some ER board posters I know … Martin says that he can get up on stage dressed like a lady and can sell a torch song to a crowd, and that he hopes that maybe, somehow, Jim will be okay. Uncle Jesse says that Martin makes him wish he were a drag queen. Oh, you mean like this Uncle Jesse? … Martin says that they’re all liars with the makeup, wigs, padded dresses – but it makes them feel better, and Uncle Jesse thinks there’s nothing wrong with that. Martin agrees. They nod at each other, then Martin goes back in to Jim, and Uncle Jesse starts to go when Martin turns to him and says “Thank you, Doctor”.

Morris hands a couple of charts to Busy and tells her to do an H&P, then stresses “the abridged version”. She starts to go and he stops her to say that maybe once they’re done there they could go over some procedures and stuff, help orient her, adding “maybe … over dinner”. Busy’s all “You’re asking me out?” Morris starts to get all flustered saying no, not exactly before admitting “yeah’. Busy wants to know if he’s accepted Jesus in his life. Jesus is here? Where? He owes me money … Morris says sure, and then corrects that he’s thought about it. Busy calls him on it that he hasn’t. Morris insists he has and that Jesus is totally cool. Hee. And He is. Jesus is just alright with me, Morris. Jesus is just alright, oh yeah. Busy thinks Morris should come to her Bible group sometime and she thinks he’d really like it. Morris starts to scoff “Bible group?”, then realizing she’s serious says “okay”. They exchange smiles and she walks off. Morris goes back over to Admit where Usher’s been watching all this. Morris says “Bible group? That’s hot, right?” Oh, yeah, Morris … If it’s anything like the Choir Practice where Plank admitted losing his virginity in Secrets & Lies, I guess it will be. Usher tells him “Trust me, Carrot Boy, you ain’t anywhere near tappin’ that”. Hee.

Uncle Jesse is still wandering around and hasn’t seemed to make it out of the ER yet. This time he’s walking with Neela, who’s all fluttery and telling him that if there’s anything that he needs … and stammers that if she can help make his adjustment smoother … and I really don’t need to know about how “smoothly” you’d be “adjusting” anything for Uncle Jesse, Neela. Ewww. He says that he’ll let her know. Nervously she tells him that things are a bit complicated right now, and he says they are for him, too. They agree that maybe they can get some coffee or something sometime. They’re all tenuous and flirty, which makes me all nauseous and it’s icky. The lights flicker on and off as they gaze intently while the Presumptuously Peaceful Piano of Pent-up Passion Plays Prudently. They smile at each other before Neela finally says “Good night” and they walk off.

Splinter, unnecessarily wearing a camouflage shirt because he mistakenly thinks he actually doesn’t blend naturally into the landscape, is lying on his bed. Sam knocks on the door, then enters without waiting for an answer. Nice, Sam. Probably not a good idea to do to a pubescent with a penchant for Maxim magazine. She comes in, with her hair actually looking groomed and hanging straight. She tells him that she talked to his shrink, who said he was quiet. He explains that there was no wind to rustle his branches … Actually, he just lays there … like a log … literally. Sam asks him “Do you not like her?” and he keeps up with the inanimate object impression … Or maybe he’s just being himself … She sits down on the bed for a heart-to-heart, or in this case heart-to-hickory talk. She starts raking his leaves … I mean, stroking his hair, and tells him that they’ve been through a lot and she wanted him to have someone to talk to. Splinter cracks that he can’t. Sam thinks he can and that’s what the psychiatrist is there for. Splinter flakes again that he can’t. He fractures that he saw … He saw Sleaze on the ground just sleeping … And then Jennifer Love Hewitt!, he tells her that he saw what she did last summer … Sam is either trying to process this or else she’s checking her facial elasticity as we cut to:

Uncle Jesse carrying a bag of groceries and starting to put a key in the lock of an apartment door when it opens and we see … Trixie the Whore from Deadwood!!! And I’m not being derogatory – that’s actually how she signed her name on a bank note … Hee … And I love Paula Malcolmson, except, for all that is holy, please don’t tell me she lives with Uncle Jesse. She asks if he remembered the wine. He did, and she’s all happy and tells him that she knew there was a reason she let him live there. Oh, God no … Ugh … A blonde haired young girl comes over and hugs him and asks if he was the “best one there”. Maybe this is another Full House living arrangement where he living in a house again with his sister’s kids, because that girl looks like she could be one of the Tanners. She’s got the blonde hair like DJ, so I think I’ll have to call her Deej, like Uncle Jesse did. Have mercy. Deej wants to know how many people he saved and asks him “did you rock?” Oh, Deej … that saying was so ten minutes ago …

Piano bar music starts up as Martin is in front of the dressing room mirror again, tarting himself up. We hear a lounge lizard singing “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You” as the camera pans up an evening dress and we see … Yikes! And I thought Gene Hackman made a hideous woman! Martin ... or should it be Martina … is totally belting out the song as we switch to Neela, alone and sad in Abby’s apartment, looking at pictures of her dearly departed husbandry … I mean, husband … Plank. Cut to Brian sitting by his Uncle Jim’s bedside. Back to Martina before moving on to … Trixie, living up to her full name, getting it on with Uncle Jesse. Ewww. So since she’s not looking very sisterly, I’m guessing this isn’t a Full House type living arrangement … unless that house is the one in Flowers in the Attic, that is … And once more with feeling as we end this episode … UGH …