Previously on ER: Sam tries to convince Nurse Dawn that the ER shutting down is only temporary, but Dawn’s not so sure considering there are people running around checking cracks in the ceiling and now the department is having “some dinner”; Pratt tells Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House but better known by the more absurdly apt aliases Uncle Ego, or McEgo, or even McRoadkill in honor of his puerilely putrescent penchant for fuzzy facial features, that Luka probably just wants to boost morale, which must mean that Luka’s either going to appear in various states of undress … Yum … And about time, Luka --- waaaaaaaaay overdue … or else he’ll be performing lapdances … or both … and I can so feel my morale boosting already, Luka … Just saying … Call me …; Morris asks Luka how they can afford such a fancy place and hopes that it isn’t the pharmaceutical company, Ladokern, to whom he had almost sold his soul earlier in exchange for his exceedingly expensive ensemble of pretentiously polished purplish pimpwear; Pratt asks Ray and his pornstache-that-even-my-mother-couldn’t-love if he’d sorted things out with Neela, but Ray’s ‘stache thinks there’s nothing to sort out that some crème bleach or a good depilatory couldn’t take care of; Dubenko introduces Neela to the new surgical med student, Mae Lee Park, or Lovebite as I’ve dubbed her, since this actress also played the valley-girl’ing hickey-coated twit who wanted Abby to check her neck after Katie O arrived in the ER with meningitis in Out on A Limb last season, Neela thinks it’s nice to meet her and Lovebite’s heard a lot about Neela, which could be really bad for you Neela if it turns out she’s a PETA person and learns about your foul foray into fetid fur through far-fetched foolish fulsome fornication with the recognizably rabid Roadkill, since everyone knows that John Stamos Has Rabies; Intern Hope Bobeck, who’s played by Busy Philipps, who was Kim Kelly opposite Linda Cardellini’s Lindsay Weir on Freaks and Geeks, tells Morris that she’s Martha Stewart’s lovechild because she can “smell a wedding a mile away” and that it’s like a “sixth sense”, because I guess she doesn’t see dead people, she sees unwed people; Busy’s all happily blathering away to Abby about how it’s “in your eyes” and how she has “the glow” , despite Abby’s repeated attempts to try to get a word in edgewise to protest how she didn’t want this news to get out because it was “the only one thing” that Luka asked of her, until Abby finally shuts Busy down by yelling “Hope!” to get her attention and then warning her in a hilarious I’m-so-not-joking-so-don’t-even-try-me-Blondie tone “If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you” … Hee …
Daylight … Chicago scenery … the lake … the El … Train roars by overhead as we see Ray walking down the street. He heads into the now deserted Ambulance Bay. It’s unoccupied, except for a security guard type sitting on a folding chair by the in-lieu-of-doors-plastic-sheet-covered entranceway. Eerily empty, there’s even a background noise that sounds like crickets chirping … Hee … Next there will tumbleweeds blowing past … We hear the sounds of a baseball game, so Security must just so be on top of the … security, as Ray takes a moment to do that obligatory looking around bit, like “Wow, can you believe it’s this barren?” Well, yes, Ray, I can. Seeing as they’ve done the remodeling-the-ER-plastic-tarps-all-around-thing quite a few times before. And why am I getting the really bad déjà vu feeling, especially after the last ep ending with Luka walking down the darkened hallway, that Chuny is going to emerge from behind the plastic to say that Luka died in the Congo? Shudders … Besides, Luka can’t be dead yet – I haven’t gotten my lapdance … Ray approaches Security, who’s doing his armchair coaching, looking at his handheld TV and bitching at the batter for swinging. He barely even glances up at Ray as he tells him “We’re closed”. Ray knows this because he works there, and Security thinks that Ray should know then that the ER is closed until further notice. Again with the not looking, Security. Way to be on top of your job. You could have a permanent position in this ER with that attitude. Ray gives him a you-so-don’t-know-who-I-am-buddy look and attitude, saying “I’m an R3”. Well, la-di-freakin’-da, Ray … Security pretty much feels the same way I do and keeps ignoring him. Ray then asks more politely, “I left something in my locker. Do you mind?” Security gives him a quick look, then tells him to go ahead, handing him a flashlight and saying that he might need it. Ray and I are both giving the guy an incredulous “you’re not even going to check ID?” look as Ray takes the light from him and I wonder what goodies and Luka-licious memorabilia I might be able to loot from this place if I tell Security the same story … Hopefully that Cubs game is a doubleheader … As the Poignant Piano of Strangely Stagnant Redundant Remodels plays, Ray pushes through the plastic curtains to enter the darkened ER. What day is this? Is it a weekend? Or maybe it’s simply after 3 pm – which seems to be when the crew that is revamping our offices quits working, drops their tools where they’re standing, and hightails it out of there, even though considering the four scheduled coffee breaks, the fifteen unscheduled smoke breaks, the hour lunch break, and the numerous standing around the watercooler discussing last night’s Lost episode breaks, they’ve pretty much only done about 12.2 minutes worth of work total today. Bastards. Though it’s probably more likely that, like with Security and most of the rest of the staff, “work” is optional in this ER. Ray shines the light around as he makes his way through the ladder strewn, drop-cloth draped construction site to get to the locker area, where he finds the section with his lying on its side on the floor. I wonder if Abby’s is one of them, since the last time we saw it, her locker was beside his. Though probably not, considering hers seems to be caught in some kind of deliciously malicious viciously pernicious conspicuously suspicious game of Musical “Chairs” -- or “Lockers” as it were -- never settling in one spot for more than one episode. Since the music’s still playing, I guess the game’s still on. Ray opens his locker, pushes aside a lab coat, stethoscope and some scrubs, and seems to find what it was he forgot. He picks up what looks like a CD, shining his light on it so that he, but not we, can get a better look at it. Yeah, thanks a lot, Ray. The light’s pretty much blocking out whose picture it is on the cover, but it looks like it’s a man and woman, and I’m hoping to God that Ray hasn’t been going through Luka’s craptastic CD collection and borrowed the Captain and Tennille’s Greatest Hits. Even though I’ve been known to break into some verses of “Do That To Me One More Time” around Luka … Just saying … and can see the appeal of the whole “Love Will Keep Us Together” thing, I’m so not into “Muskrat Love” … Though I suppose that Neela is, considering the rodent she’s been dating …
And as if on cue, there’s Neela, in Abby’s ex/now her apartment, putting on some earrings, when we hear someone at the door. Who can it be knocking at your door, Neela? If it’s the muskrat, don’t worry, they aren’t particularly known for their hearing, so, make no sound, tiptoe across the floor. If he hears, he’ll knock all day. You’ll be trapped and here you’ll have to stay. The knocking continues and Neela doesn’t heed my advice and says loudly, “Okay … just a second …” From behind the door we hear McEgo say, “C’mon, Mayday …We’re gonna miss the canapés …” Oh, great. It is him. Why didn’t you listen to me, Neela? And why am I totally surprised that McEgo even knows what a canapé is, considering Abby had no clue back in A Saint in the City in Season 9 when Carter trotted her out to one of his family’s omniscient magnificent beneficent proficient omnificent munificent garishly self-serving philanthropic events and how because Carter just ignored her when she asked him before, she questioned Gamma as to what the difference was between a canapé and an appetizer, to which she got the patented completely-runs-in-the-Carter-family one-two combo of an expression of condescending smugness coupled with the patronizing “you’re-really-just-slightly-removed-from-trailer-trash-aren’t-you-dear” tone. I don’t know whose behavior towards Abby was more true-color revealing in its shameless superciliousness that episode – Gamma’s or Carter’s. Ugh. Neela gets a “WTF is he doing here?” Botox-inducing scowl on her face. Well, you must have done some harm, didn’t keep to yourself, and there’s definitely something wrong with your state of mental health because this is what you get when you make with the McHemming and the McHawing on the McDumping, Neela. McIdiot. Neela rolls her eyes before heading over to answer the door. I feel like I’m watching one of those teenage slasher movies where the audience always yells at the screen during the action, “Don’t do it!!! Don’t open the door!!!” But no, Neela once again ignores me and to my horror opens the door to reveal … dun dun DUN … A clean-shaven McEgo! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! … Wait … clean-shaven??? … What??? No bristly beard? No scruffy stubble? No seedy shadow? No putrid pelt? … Am I being “Punk’d”??? Alright, where’s that awesomely attractive Ashton? C’mon out, now -- you got me!… No? … Wow … So now I guess that since the roadkill’s been eradicated, it really is his personality that I find most repugnant … Huh … Neela wants to know what he’s doing there as McEgo way overly McAppreciates Neela’s cleavage. Nice, McPervert. Neela does look very nice, though. Her hair is up, with ringlets down over one shoulder and she’s got on a little black dress with spaghetti straps. McEgo, never lifting his McEyes from her McChest, tells her that he thought they would go to this “ER shindig” together. Neela, rightfully underwhelmed, just says “Oh”. McEgo, letting his eyes flicker up to her face for just one millisecond before returning to McGawking, replies “Or not”. Still McStaring, he gives her the “Wow … you look … wow”. Neela doesn’t answer, looking embarrassed at all the McLeering disguised as McFawning McFlattery. Filling the silence, McEgo tells her that he knows that things have been a bit crazy with him and that their relationship is undefined, but Neela turns away from the door before he can continue, heading back into the apartment as she says “We should talk …” He starts to follow, but seems to realize that she hasn’t invited him in, so he stays at the door, suggesting that maybe they could talk at dinner. Neela, not sounding too excited at the prospect of supping with him – though it’s got to be better now that things can’t get McTrapped in the McUnderbrush anymore, Neela -- still doesn’t look at him as she tells him unenthusiastically, “Yeah … let me just … get my stuff”. She walks off camera, further into the apartment, leaving him to uncomfortably watch after her, probably because he’s McPissed that he can’t McOgle her anymore … McDeviant …
It’s nighttime as green and white taxicab #2295 makes a left turn into a streetlamp lit Chicago alleyway. As it gets closer, we can see Abby and Luka in the backseat. Ooh, I guess I’d better start getting ready for my lapdance … I’m shivering with an-ti-ci-----pation … Now where did I put that wad of dollar bills … and my camera … and my smokes … and my smelling salts … Abby better not be getting any preliminary lap action in that backseat, Luka … Bitch … I so don’t want to know that you two have changed up the role-playing and moved out of the Hair Salon and into the Red-Light District so you can start being all Exotic Dancer and Her Human Stripper Pole … Bitch … What would Abby’s stripper name be? According to this site it would be Fantasia Glitter Tower, though she’s not really the sparkly type so I’m thinking she’s more of a Kinky Downs, Angel Spunk or Bambi Throb … And Luka’s probably a Huge Sparks, Manley Body, Cockney Hammer, King Kong Steel, Bone Bends or something … Lucky bitch … The cab pulls to a stop, Luka opens the door and gets out, with a confused-looking Abby following him, as a sirens-blaring police car passes behind them. Luka shuts the door and they both turn to rubberneck as the cops go tearing off down the street. Still watching as another police car goes by, Luka adjusts his jacket around him and buttons it up. Damn, Luka’s fully clothed. I’d been hoping for the standard Chippendales’ uniform of just the bow-tie and some tight completely-hugging-more-contours-than-others spandex pants … sigh … but I’m easy … Well, not easy easy … Actually, okay, yeah, I am … I’m just as fine with you performing the striptease out of that lovely-looking black suit ensemble, too, Luka … Especially since it seems to be rather formfitting as well ... Abby’s still looking around quizzically as she asks him “Why are we here so early?” Luka, putting his right hand on her left upper arm as they start to walk … Bitch … tells her “Well, I’m the Chief … I thought I should be here first”, as a gusty wind blows up his carefully buttoned coattails and suddenly I’m thinking about Luka and the Full Monty and that maybe I can get my lapdance sooner rather than later … Call me … Luka then looks at Abby, giving her that adorable little grin of his … Bitch … Playing with her hair, Abby pointedly reminds him before I can, “Were the Chief”. Hee. Luka, still grinning, now has his arm around her … Bitch … saying “Well, consider this my last official act”. Abby’s still looking around dubiously as she questions, “The department dinner is here?” Keeping on with the grinning, Luka takes his hand from her shoulder … good boy … then he actually claps and rubs his hands together, strangely seeming like a kid in a candy store, even licking his lips as he keeps looking at her like he’s trying to gauge her reaction. I must say, Luka, that I’m sharing Abby’s apparent skepticism, and can’t see why you seem so … excited … by all this. Luka, seeing Abby’s smirk, starts to preemptively roll his eyes to the smartass comment that he knows is definitely following … and it does … “I haven’t been in a neighborhood like this since the last time I tried to score some crack …” Hee …
Camera shot from above of Abby and Luka in an industrial type elevator that reminds me too much of the one Glenn Close and Michael Douglas found love in during Fatal Attraction … Let that be a warning to you not to be getting any ideas about livin’ it up when you’re goin’ down, Abby, because there could so easily be some rabbit stew with your name on it cookin’ up when you get home … Just saying … Bitch … From the overhead elevator cam, we see Abby looking up and watching as they ascend.
When they reach the floor they’re going to and stop, we’re behind them with the inside-the-elevator cam as Luka lifts the gate and a so-far-not-impressed Abby comments, “Budgets cuts are getting serious, huh?” The gate retracts and we see a long catering hall sort of place with a dark wood bar to the left while straight ahead there’s some small burgundy-clothed two-people-seating type round tables and cane-backed chairs with matching burgundy cushioned seats pushed up to them, and some white-shirted, black-vest-and-tie wearing waiter-types milling about. Luka tries a pep-talk like tone, “C’mon, it’s different”, to get Abby in the spirit of whatever it is he wants her in the spirit of tonight. And remember, Abby, it better not have anything to do with that elevator … Bitch … Since Abby’s basically the opposite of “peppy”, she sarcastically replies, “That’s for sure”. Hee. Luka keeps trying though, tapping his hands together sort of nervously as he points out the space to her, saying, “See this? Pretty cool, huh?”, and looking at her hopefully. Because Luka’s enthusiasm apparently isn’t catching, Abby looks around as she continues to wear the slightly amused but curious expression and asks, “Is this a restaurant?” Camera angle widens to show us more of the room, which is actually more like continuously connected rooms. It really is a cool open space with exposed brick walls, tall palm-like greenery placed unobtrusively around, iron chandeliers, and wall sconces, that all make for an intimately lit setting, although maybe a little too intimately lit, seeing as whoever owns this place must be using the same lamp supplier that Luka did for his pre-Abby and their son, Mongo Joe Kovac, or MoJo, days, because this place is just as well lit as his Bat Cave apartment used to be. Memo to ER’s lighting department – the bulbs you are looking for are spelled h-a-l-o-g-e-n and you can get them at any Home Depot or Lowes. Just saying. Luka’s actually wringing his hands as he watches her, really wanting her to love this place as much as he seems to. Abby’s still not buying whatever Luka’s trying to sell her here, but she’s watching the working wait-staff intently as they’re setting up the tables and placing centerpieces. Luka tells her that it’s not a restaurant, it’s a “rental space” as he grabs her hand to lead her towards a sort of doorway that flows into another large space.
He fills her in that a patient told him about this place as they move into another waiter-ed area, this one with large stone columns, a few rather ornate baroque-ish chairs around, tapestry-looking artwork on the bare brick, lots of freestanding scrollwork candleholders, and a straight out of some Harem, ceiling-hanging, burgundy-pillowed reclining swing thing. Walking a little ahead of him, Abby sees all this ornamentation and throws over her shoulder to Luka facetiously, “And was she by any chance … a porn star?” Hee … Abby’s right though, this place is definitely a bit eccentric – with the colors, lighting, architecture and décor, this space is sort of a cross between an industrial warehouse, a Medieval church and a bordello. Luka reaches out to grab Abby’s hand again to lead her in yet another direction as he corrects her assumption by telling her “He is a music producer”. As Abby moves with him, she jestingly says, “O-o-h, so it is a drug den”. Luka smiles as they walk, and because he’s been hanging around Abby way too much, he actually does a total Abby playing-with-the-hair move as he reaches his left hand up to a piece of his hair that his hanging down in his face and sweeps it over his forehead and back, like he’s trying to tuck it behind his ear, even though it’s in no way long enough. Hee. They keep moving, but Abby’s eyes follow a vest-wearing girl carrying floral centerpieces, before turning back and asking him, “And since when did these things get so formal?” Formal? Is that what you call what you’re wearing, Abby? I mean, you look nice and all, in your dark suit with coordinating dark scoop-necked top with white camisole thingy and long thin chain necklace underneath, and I love the little black leather clutch you’re carrying, not to mention the nice-sized silvery crescent earrings you’re sporting … but, that ensemble is definitely not what I’d call “formal”. Whereas Luka on the other hand, is looking mighty yummily elegant in the aforementioned black suit, crisp white shirt and black tie with the subtle monochromatic black stripes. Delicious. Though I have to say that I am liking your hair, Abby -- in that style you wore in the All About Christmas Eve episode last year when you broke the news to Luka about being pregnant -- with the around the crown pieces pulled back and clipped behind leaving most of it to hang down past your shoulders and the bangs swooping down across your forehead and to the right. It looks nice, so of course I’m left to conclude that with the ER closed, Luka’s and your in-home Hair Salon and Day Spa is functioning at top capacity, and without the distractions of his former job as department boss, your Shampoo Boy has been able to devote himself to his exclusive clientele of one on a full-time basis. Bitch … Luka thinks it’s fun and that people like to get dressed up, but Abby just nods at him with a slight shrug and “uh huh, sure they do” expression as a waiter guy carrying two centerpieces approaches them and says “Good evening”. He holds up the flowers that he’s carrying, doing that sort of weighing up and down motion, as he tells Luka that “Dr. Bobeck” is in back and she needs him to make a decision on the centerpieces, even though the two he’s holding look pretty much the same to me. Luka makes a weird sort of “oh, shit” eyes-widening look before nervously nodding at Waiter Guy. Abby just kind of stares at Waiter Guy with a “huh?” expression. He says “hi” to her, and she smiles and “hi” ‘s him back. As he starts to walk away, Waiter Guy says “Big night, huh?” to her. Uh oh … What’s going on here, Luka??? Because while Abby’s evidently thoroughly confused with that “Who the - ? What the - ?” scowl, you’re looking awfully guiltily apprehensive all of a sudden, Luka. Abby watches after Waiter Guy, asking Luka “What’s he talking about?” And what’s with the huge all white rose floral arrangement on the table against the wall right behind you, Luka? That is so not a “work” dinner spray … Luka starts to pull Abby through yet another burgundy velvet draped doorway, telling her that Busy is there and that she helped set everything up as a couple more waiter guys wheel a large ice sculpture past them. We view Abby through the heart-shaped opening which is made by the connecting heads of two carved swans. Swans??? Oh, man no way … NO WAY … Is this really what I’m thinking this is, Luka??? Luka has to drag Abby forward because she’s totally and completely confounded as she stares at the ice block going by.
He pulls her into the next room, walking backwards so that he can watch her reaction as Abby questions, “What do you mean, ‘Hope set everything up’?” Even with Luka tightly holding her hand, she stumbles a little bit, feet tripping over each other as she moves into the room, staring wide-eyed at what she sees. As he moves his free arm in a presenting gesture towards what he’s been wanting all along to show her, Luka makes an uncomfortable little sighing noise before asking her “What do you think?” Camera angle switches to show us Abby’s point-of-view as we see a brighter, better lit large room, filled with more of the cane-backed chairs, arranged in rows on either side of a long white floor runner, facing forwards towards what looks like a white flower and greenery surrounded makeshift altar. Oh, wow … Wow … A dark green taffeta-dressed Busy, who’s standing in the center of the runner with some of the wait staff and a little girl dressed in white, gives an excited gasp as she spots Abby and Luka and starts rushing over, happily going, “Yay, yay, yay!” Abby, mouth still hanging open in disbelief, turns to gape at Luka, who’s rubbing his hands expectantly and looking at her with such adorable hopefulness. Busy gets over to them and says with all her shoulder-shrugging delight, “A wedding!” Abby, recovering from her initial shock but blushing from embarrassment, says simply, “No”, before starting to back away. The little girl dressed in white, whose wearing a crown of light pink flowers and has her dark hair hanging down in angelic curly ringlets, asks her “Are you the bride?” Cheeks flaming and smiling embarrassedly as she keeps backing up, she looks at Angelic Curls, points her finger towards her and says “Nope”. Abby never stops moving as she keeps shaking her head and repeating “no” as Luka, Busy and Angelic Curls move with her. Busy says that Angelic Curls is “Sophie” and she’s the daughter of the caterer and that “she’s going to be your flower girl”. Abby’s finally made it through the doorway and, still smiling through gritted teeth, tosses over her shoulder, “Like hell she is”, as she turns and starts fast-walking down the hall to get out of there. Hee. Luka, looking amused, like he was totally expecting this reaction, follows after her saying, “Abby”, as Busy and Angelic Curls watch them with “what’s going on?” expressions.
Abby keeps right on trucking but is no longer smiling as she says to Luka in an “I-cannot-believe-this”, totally annoyed tone, “You’re kidding me, right? I mean you’ve got to be kidding me”. He wants to know if they can please just talk about this as Abby moves through a doorway. Realizing that she can’t get out that way, she quickly turns around and heads in another direction as she asks in a slightly panicked tone to no one in particular, “How do I get out of here?” Luka, talking fast to get the words in over her panic, says, “You’re just nervous. That’s why I did it this way”, then with a shrugging shoulders, open hand, palms up supplicating gesture adds, “It saves you the stress”. Still walking, but facing him as she talks, Abby replies sarcastically, “Really? Do you think I look particularly un-stressed right now?” Hee. Abby keeps moving into yet another room as Waiter Guy comes up to Luka again, stopping him to tell him that the cake is coming up and asking him where he wants it. Luka points down the hall and tells him to check with Busy as he hurries to try to catch up with a fast-moving Abby, who’s using her talent for multi-tasking to speed-walk purposively and bitch at him at the same time in a “I just don’t get it” chuckling-mirthlessly-at-the-end incredulous tone, “How could you have ever imagined I’d want to do it like this?” Following behind her, Luka tries to explain that planning the wedding was freaking her out, then unbelievably says as he appropriately mimics it with his hands, “This way it’s like … ripping off a band-aid”. Oh, yikes, Luka. I get what you’re trying to tell her about how it’s better to just jump in, do it and get it over with because apprehensive anticipation is worse then the actuality, but, I mean … Jeez … What is it with you and the idea of weddings? Last year you just blurted out the “let’s get married” to her and when she backed off and wanted to just get through one major life change at a time, you told her that sometimes it’s better to just “lump them all together”, and now this astoundingly asinine analogy? Abby’s not seeming too taken with it either. As she gets to a stairway, grabs the railing and starts to descend, she turns her head towards him to mock his totally unromantic statement in a sardonic tone, “Oh man, you really know how to melt a girl’s heart”. Hee. Luka follows her on the stairs, chuckling as he claims, “This is something that we both want”, as Abby disgustedly sighs in frustration as another escape route is blocked to her because some waiters are carrying up the giant multi-tiered white wedding cake with the plastic bridal couple on top. Abby turns to head back up, stopping on the step so that they’re face-to-face to turn and protest, “Luka, it’s crazy”. He again holds his hands up placatingly as he tries to soothe her with, “We can do something for our families later …”, but Abby’s on the move again before he finishes “… tonight is for us …” Abby’s not buying that and gibes, “Yeah, what … and a bunch of people from work?” Luka corrects her as he follows, “Our friends”, but she’s not listening as she heads towards the elevator, spouting off, “And what about the food? … And what about the music? …”, then adding pissily, “And just look at this place … it’s like getting married in a Meat Loaf video … “ Hee … You took the words right out of my mouth, Abby. And you certainly are trying to get out of there like a Bat Out of Hell … I mean, what, you’ll do anything for love, but you won’t do that? Do you want to sleep on it and give him an answer in the morning? And sure, the place is dripping with Elizabethan ostentation, but it does have Luka and it is already all set up, so two out of three ain’t bad … Abby pushes repeatedly on the button to get the elevator to come so she can make her getaway as Luka keeps explaining that he took care of everything and that Busy helped him. Abby’s not satisfied that the elevator’s not there to let her exit quickly, so she starts off in the other direction, muttering, “It’s like a labyrinth in here …”. Luka, saying, “Hey …” grabs her by the arm, her momentum spinning her around to face him. Leaning towards her, he says calmingly, “Hey … hey” as he places his other hand on her other arm, then smiles a little exasperatedly, declaring sincerely, “I love you …” Awww. Abby takes in a breath at this as she looks at him and he continues, “… and you love me … Let’s make it forever … “ Oh, how sweet is he??? Still gazing at him, Abby looks like she’s about to say something, but then stops as he goes on “Let’s get married …” Abby keeps looking in his eyes with an expression that’s mostly uncertain yet also maybe just a little bit hopeful as we crash into funky opening graphic montage …
After commercial, we find Abby and Luka right where we left them, standing in front of the elevator, his hands on her upper arms as they look at each other. As the elevator gate starts to raise, Luka rubs his hands up and down her arms before releasing them and taking a step back from her. A bunch of hoopin’ and hollerin’ County employees, including nurses Dawn, Lily and Chuny, and Surgical Chief Resident Dustin Crenshaw, aka Moby for his un-haired head’s recognition to the singer, step off the elevator and walk through the space between Abby and Luka into the decked out catering hall. Everybody’s totally “ooh-ing” and “ahh-ing” over the place, even Moby, who thinks the “ER rocks!” and Timmy, the desk clerk who reminds me of Usher, thinks it looks like New Year’s in Mozambique. Abby’s looking down as they all file past her, before finally looking up at Luka, who raises his eyebrows at her like “Well?” She cocks her head and stares at him as the staff goes on with their inane chatter before Dawn asks Luka which way the bar is. Briefly taking his gaze from Abby, Luka points off down the hall saying “Uh, back there …” Abby and Luka stand the length of the elevator apart and continue to look at each other, Luka nervously tapping the fingers of his left hand against his leg, as the crowd moves off to go get their booze on. Luka bites on his lip as Abby still stares at him with that head-tilted scrutinizing look before finally smiling and turning her head away. She says, “Luka, look …I …”, but he’s seen an opening and has already started moving towards her, quickly jumping in to stop her before she can finish so that she stutteringly shuts up and he says, “Just give me ten minutes …” She looks at him with an adoring tolerant expression as he again asks for ten minutes. Looking at her in all seriousness, he asks her to let him show her what he’s done, and in a tone that says just how much he hopes to not disappoint her and to not be disappointed himself, “If you don’t like it, I’ll take you home … I promise …” He moves past her towards the hallway, while she continues to stand there, sighing and looking off, conflicted. Realizing that she hasn’t moved, Luka turns and looks at her, unsure. Abby, tapping her foot impatiently as she thinks, finally rolls her eyes at herself and turns to face him, as we get another long-shot of them, showing us that there is again a space between them. Luka, like he’s coaxing a reluctant child, moves his hands in a sweeping “come here” motion and says, “Come on …” She still stands there. He smiles at her hesitation, encouraging her with a head tilt, “One foot after the other …” God, he’s adorable … Abby does the not-quite-an-eyeroll, close your eyes and look away move, before licking her lips and turning back to him with a “I’m still not convinced here” look. Another camera long-shot shows us Abby with her head down a little and looking like a pouty kid while Luka holds his hands out in front of him, rocking his body back and forth with a “Yes? No? Maybe?” movement. Hee. Abby, still acting like my four year old, places one tentative foot towards him then slides the other up to meet it. Hee. Luka does the biting-the-lip grin as he watches her indulgently. They really are just so cute. She tilts her head again as she gives him an “I’m not completely giving in to your charm yet” almost grin and we hear Ray say in voiceover “It kind of looks like a Victoria’s Secret ad” … Hee … as we move to:
Ray and Lovebite walking down the hallway. Lovebite thinks it’s “so pretty” and she loves the way that “ER people do things”. And I’m so with you there, Lovebite. Especially if we’re talking about Luka doing the “do -- ing”. Just saying. Dubenko comes up and asks Ray if there’s something going on here that they don’t know about. And there’s a weird illustrated poster on the wall over Dubenko’s left shoulder that has what look like three hooded figures, one yellow, one blue and one red, standing atop a yellow hill, holding what seem to be star shaped balloons, with the words “Notre Nuit”, or “Our Night”, as the title, and also in a red text box as part of the picture. There’s some other writing on the hill, but I can’t make it out, and since the rest of it’s probably in French also, it doesn’t matter because I wouldn’t understand it anyway … But it is a strange poster and totally out of place with the rest of the décor, though with the “Our Night” thing, it probably has something to do with the wedding, I just have no idea what … Busy and Morris come rushing up. She throws a quick “hi” to everyone, then yells to someone off camera, “Not over there” then hurries along to give instructions to some waiters. Pratt, who’s come up behind Ray, grabs Morris, who’s carrying a digital camera and following Busy, by the arm and asks him what the deal is, what’s going on. Morris hesitates for like a nanosecond before all happily stating, “Well … tonight is the night”, and smiling like the cat who ate the canary. Ray wants to know what he’s talking about. Morris fills in the small crowd that’s gathered around them, “Abby and Luka … they’re getting married!” Dawn gasps and tells a totally shit-eating grinned Chuny, “You were right!” and Chuny’s all with the “I told you” and then proclaims loudly for those who missed Morris’ announcement, “Abby and Luka’s getting married!” With a surprised scowl, Pratt asks Morris, “Seriously?” and Larry the dorky Med Student who reminds me of Ross from Friends asks unnecessarily, “Dr. Kovac and Dr. Lockhart?” Well, duh, Ross … Just how many Lukas and Abbys are there at County? And how many of them are a couple? Or work in the ER? Moron … Everyone seems totally psyched by this news, Pratt even starts adjusting his tie, like he’s trying to make himself look even more presentable for the festivities. Busy comes flitting on through, waiters in tow. Dubenko comments, “Well … a surprise wedding … How novel …” Moby doesn’t think this sounds like “Lockhart’s style”. What is Moby even doing there? He’s definitely not “Lockhart’s style” either, considering she pretty much wanted to beat the crap out of him in Jigsaw, certain that she could take him, and even more sure that Luka could “kick his ass” … Hee … Usher asks if Abby even knows. Busy rushes up to Morris, bubbly explaining that “It’s going to be awesome” and saying that they’re just running a tad bit behind, as she lowers her voice, telling Morris that they’ve hit an “itty bitty snag”. Lovebite offers to help, but Busy thanks her and tells her no, as Morris jokes out loud, “Small case of cold feet”. Busy smacks him hard in the shoulder, causing him to jump back, as she says forcefully, “It’s a logistical issue … We will be sealing this deal within the hour”, then excuses herself and heads off, leaving everyone giggling because I’m sure they all know exactly what that “logistical issue” is.
Abby and Luka are alone in a total church-y looking room where to the left is what almost looks like a stage with a couple of full-length steps leading up to it. I’m half expecting to hear Gregorian chanting or maybe even those monks from Monty Python and the Holy Grail happening by … “Pie Jesu Domine … *bonk head with bible* … Dona Eis Requiem … *bonk head* …” Abby is pacing back and forth in front of Luka, who’s standing, but leaning against a table. Offering one hand up in acknowledgement and grinning a little, he tells her that he knows what she thinks, but Abby certainly doesn’t think so as she walks over towards a bench, scratching her forehead and snarkily replying, “Oh, really? That this is a paternalistic, controlling, manipulation …” then turning to face him, snipes “… that makes me question our entire relationship???” Uh oh. Luka, sounding a little offended that she would feel that way, throws his hand out in a broad sweeping gesture to show just how strongly he believes what he’s telling her and answers, “Maybe it’s a symbol of how much I love you …”. Abby, who had been staring at him kind of defiantly, is obviously affected by what he’s saying as she visibly softens more and more as he continues, “… How well I know you … How deeply we’re meant to be together …” Awww … She stares at him for a moment, before rolling her eyes and loudly exhaling the wind that is being let out of her sails, exasperatedly sighing “Jeez”, as she sits down on the bench, leans on her hands on her thighs, and turns away from him, because she knows he’s calling it like it is. Seizing on the moment, Luka heads over to her, unbuttoning his jacket as he moves, and reaching into his pocket … Uh, Luka, honey, maybe now isn’t the time to be “seizing” that kind of “moment” … But, call me … As he sits on the bench opposite and facing her, he pulls a small box from his pocket and asks her what kind of ring she thinks he got. Still thrown by all of this, Abby starts stammering as she’s trying to look away “I--I--I--I--I have no idea what kind of …” as Luka opens the box and holds it up to show her, causing her to stop absolutely dead in her tracks for a moment when she sees it, before trying to nonchalantly blow it off with a brisk “It’s not bad” and quickly getting up and moving away to stand in the center of the room. Hee. Luka, seeing that he’s getting to her, gets up to follow her as he goes on with what’s all been planned, “Okay, the music … I don’t want to ruin the surprise …” and emphatically insists that the evening will be free of his craptastic musical tastes, “… but there’ll be no Celine Dion, no Air Supply …” AIR SUPPLY??? Oh … my … God – it’s worse than I thought, Luka. That’s almost enough to make me be All Out of Love and so lost without you … Either marry the guy quickly, Abby, or at least do a complete music intervention and curtail his addiction to Easy Listening before he breaks into a Tony Orlando and Dawn medley or gets caught between the moon and New York City with Christopher Cross … Shudders … Luka adds, “… and no boy bands”. Oh, for Heaven’s sake, Luka. As if it weren’t already bad enough … I know that I can't take no more … It ain't no lie … I wanna see you out that door … Baby, bye, bye, bye ... Abby whips around to start pacing again and sarcastically asks him, “Really? Not even a bit of Menudo?” Ha!! What makes that even funnier is that Maura Tierney once got into a discussion with Jon Stewart about them when she was on the Daily Show at the end of Season 7 and she claimed that she knew “way too much about Menudo”. Hee … Luka ignores this and goes on to expound on the menu, “The food is international … You name the country, we got it!” Okay, Luka – how ‘bout Uzbekistan? Bet you don’t have any mutton pilaf … Or Borneo? Got any grilled python slices going on there? Didn’t think so … Abby’s still not giving in, and questions now, “Okay, so what am I going to wear … this?” Since we’ve already gone over the misfortunes of your outfit, Abby, I so hope not … Luka points at her like “Aha, thanks for reminding me” and heads to the back of the room where there is a white tented wardrobe-thingy. He reaches in to get what’s inside, telling her “You mentioned it one morning … I was half-asleep and you were flipping through a magazine …” He pulls out a long white dress, holding the hanger in his right hand and draping the train over his left, he heads towards her, finishing quietly, “… You thought I wasn’t paying any … attention …” He holds the hanger up to show her, turning it with a slight flourish and pulling his left hand away to let the gown fall down to full effect. Abby looks stunned as her eyes travel up and down the cap-sleeved, low-cut dress, sucking in a breath, slightly shaking her head in disbelief and drawing in her lower lip. Luka swallows a little in apprehension as he watches her reaction. Abby looks at the gown for another moment, before tilting her head to gaze at him with a look on her face of realization that he really does listen to her. Remembering that she’s supposed to be against all this, Abby sighs and quickly shakes her head, dismissing that the dress is not going to fit and turning away again. Still holding the dress up, Luka tells her that Busy sized it from some of her other things, which is so not what Abby wants to hear as she starts rolling her eyes, wagging her head back and forth and throwing her hands around as she bitches the name “Hope” over and over again, getting more dramatically sarcastic each time until Luka interjects that Busy’s cousin is a tailor and that he’s on standby if any adjustments are needed. Luka carefully lays the gown on a table, and moves towards Abby with hands spread apart, pausing because he’s not sure what to say next, before clapping his hands together and waiting. Abby, arms folded in front of her, tilts her head as she considers him for a moment before overly swinging her head back and then sitting down on the steps with an exaggerated sigh. She slaps her right hand against her leg as she regards him with a “you’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?” look before shaking her head with a sardonic grin and exclaiming, “Croatian Sensation pulls a rabbit out of the hat”. This must be the scene for references to her Daily Show appearance, because besides it’s being an absolute accurate appellation, it’s also what she called Goran Visnjic in that interview. Hee. Luka, standing with hands on hips, purses his lips for a second, then moving towards her, says earnestly as he kneels down in front of her “I just … wanted to make the wedding that I thought was going to make you happy …” Abby chuckles incredulously at this, saying “Luka …” He stops her, shaking his head and imploring her in a hushed tone, “No, no … Don’t say no … Not now … Not after everything …” Shaking her head at it all, Abby tells him, “It’s too weird …”, then with a negating shrug adds that it’s “too sudden”. Still not comfortable with all of this, in a “how can we possibly do it this way” voice and snapping her fingers for emphasis, Abby says to him, “You just want to just do it … on the spur of the moment like this?” Luka takes in what she’s saying and looks down for a moment before quietly starting, “If there was ever …”, then moves to sit beside her, “… anything that was not rushed into it’s …”, turning more towards her and continuing with more confidence as he enthusiastically smiles and cutely shrugs like it’s an indisputable fact, “… you and me promising to be together forever …” Awwwwww. He draws in a breath, gives the “just can’t argue with that” shrug again as he raises his eyebrows, grinning expectantly at her. Abby repeats the melodramatic head roll in the opposite direction as she looks away with a “what am I going to do?” sigh.
Ray and Pratt are at the bar. Ray picks up and downs what is so not his first shot of the night. Pratt, The Ladies Man, smooth operators to Ray that weddings are great opportunities for guys like them, because it weakens women’s defenses. Nice, Pratt. Weren’t you just trying to make time with Bettina, Radiology Woman, last ep and now you’re all on the prowl? And there’s another one of those strange cartoon-y posters on the wall behind them, too. Bizarre. Pratt wants to know if Ray ever thinks about settling down and Ray kind of blows it off with a “Sometimes … I guess …” Ray asks the same of Pratt, who laughs at the very notion that his loveliness would not be spread around to as many women as possible. A chuckling Ray looks up and spots a having-just-arrived Neela and McEgo laughing it up with Chuny and Dawn. His face changes to the picture of annoyance as he hears Rick Springfield in his head telling him that he wishes he had Uncle Jesse’s girl ... Pratt plays along with the charade, sees Ray watching them and asks the bartender to give his friend another.
Busy hurries through the room where the altar is bitching to Morris that the “energy” is sagging and he has to do something, so he hands her a glass of champagne. She downs it quickly, then places it on the tray of a passing waiter, never missing a beat as she immediately starts up to Morris again about how “the timing” and “the momentum” are crucial to an event like this. Morris tells her to calm down because everyone’s having a good time, but she’s having none of it as she grabs him forcefully by the lapels and shakes him, yelling “It is sagging, damn it!” He tries to get her to let him go, pointing out what’s she doing by saying repeatedly, “Lapel …” He gets her to calm a bit, and tries to soothe her by telling her that it’s easy. He heads over to the string quartet that’s been playing over in the corner and asks them if they have a playlist he could see … Cut to:
Morris and Busy, with the Sassy Strings standing behind them, singing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” into Morris’ upraised beer bottle. Hee. Elton starts with “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”, then Kiki Dee chimes in with “I couldn’t if I tried”, and they totally get their ‘70’s on as they keep going … Oh, honey if I get restless … Baby, you’re not that kind … The camera pans around to show the ER gang watching them. Chuny and Pratt are smirking, while McEgo’s got the eyebrows raised “WTF” look going. Morris and Busy are totally getting into it, even doing the bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp’s and ooh hoo’s into Morris’ camera that he’s holding outstretched so they can capture their America’s Got Talent audition on tape. Nobody knows it … Nobody kno-o-ows it …
Back to the barmy bickering brouhaha of the Balkanite’s budding but backwardly balking bonkers bride … Abby, now standing, claims that what Luka’s done is sweet, insisting, like she truly does think it, that it really is. Luka, still sitting on the steps and leaning his elbows on his knees, plays with his folded hands and chews his lips as he watches her thoughtfully. She goes on, right hand gripping a chair back as she makes outstretched arm gestures with her left, “… and … I love that you did it, but … this should be something that we plan together … so that we both want …” Luka opens his hands, asking her impatiently, “What else do you want? I’ll get it …” Abby looks at him, shaking her head slightly in a “you really just don’t get it, do you?” way, hits her fist lightly on the table beside her, a little frustrated, and says “Luka …”. She doesn’t continue, but instead picks her purse up off the table and heads towards the door. Sighing, he gets up to follow her. Luka starts, as Abby rolls her eyes at what he’s saying but doesn’t stop moving, “We could put this off forever. There’s always going to be some reason not to do it …” Camera switches to show Abby exiting through the church-y looking doors, with Luka right behind her trying to change her mind as we hear the Elton and Kiki wannabes still breaking each other hearts in the background. He tells her definitively, “We want it. We deserve it. So let’s stop stalling and dive into the ocean.” Not one to miss a chance to correct his American idiomatic expressions, Abby tosses over her shoulder as she keeps walking, “Jump into the pool”. Ooh-hoo … Nobody knows it … Now it’s Luka’s turn to be frustrated as he stops and simply declares to her, “It’s been seven years, Abby”. Still striding away, Abby turns her head slightly towards him as she counters, “I know how long it’s been …” Wait a minute … Are they both actually admitting that they’d been carrying a torch for each other for all those years??? Not that it wasn’t pretty obvious a lot of the time but still … Wow … That pretty much negates all the other relationships that they had in the interim from when they broke up in the beginning of Season 8 until they got back together not even midway through Season 12, huh? Wow … Nobody kno-o-ows … Abby rounds the corner, leaving Luka to stand there … Right from the start … He looks down, setting his mouth grimly, like he’s questioning whether he should have done it all this way and maybe springing it on her like this really wasn’t the best move … I gave you my heart … He still has his head down as we see Abby quickly come back around the corner and stop to face him. Hee. He looks up to see her and his eyes light up as a slow lopsided grin begins to spread across his face, mirroring the one that she starts to give him in return as they stand there and look at each other. O-o-o-oh, I gave you my heart … Awww. She walks to him and starts to say “I never …”, but he interrupts her, throwing his hands up and jumping in before she can protest again, “Hey look …”. She stops, grinning and looking lovingly at him as he settles his hands on her upper arms, smiling as he goes on, “… let’s just do this one thing … that’s fast … and easy … and right”. He reaches his hands up to cup both sides of her face as they look at each other and he says fervently, “Let’s get married … right here … right now …”, then moves his hands back down to her arms as he adds, “… tonight”. Still slightly grinning, Abby holds his gaze for a moment as he looks back at her, waiting. She glances over at what’s going on in the other room … Right from the start … Luka’s eyes follow where she’s looking and he grins at Morris’ and Busy’s lounge act … I gave you my heart … In a long shot past Morris and Busy, we see Abby and Luka watching them from down the hall … O-o-o-oh, I gave you my heart … Abby turns back to Luka, grinning and looking like she’s just about to give in … She looks down for a moment as we see a bespectacled woman walk into frame behind her, carrying a white-tuxed MoJo … Awww … Abby looks up at Luka and asks, “But what about Joe? We can’t get married without Joe”. A totally pleased and grinning Luka whispers to her, “My secret weapon”. Abby looks at him quizzically, and Luka glances over her shoulder, raising his eyebrows to indicate that she should look in that direction. She turns to see the smiling Specs and the miniature Good Humor Man looking back at her. Abby smiles all motherly proud and happy to see him, probably because after all this stress she could totally go for a Toasted Almond right now … Yum … Smiling broadly, Abby turns back to Luka saying, “Saved the best for last, huh?” Luka, evidently all proud of himself for pulling this off, closes his eyes, bites his lip and scrunches up his face with a “oh yeah, I’m the man” -- Oh, yes you so are, Luka ... Again, yum … -- shit-eating grin and head nod. He continues to look at her as she turns back to gaze at their son again, probably wondering why Specs thought putting black shoes on with a white tux was a good move …
Now, of course, we all knew that Abby was going to come back. No way she’d be walking out on The Pretty’s profusely pleasing phenomenally persuasive passionately perfect plans. She’s too old for the crazy that runs in her family to show up now and have her walk away from him … Bitch … It was obvious from the grin on Luka’s face when it was first dawning on her what was happening and she tried to make a quick exit that he knew exactly how she was going to react. In typical Abby fashion, she had to totally put up a fight, protest and try to back away before finally giving in to what she knew she should do. And it does all prove how well Luka really does know her. He’d clearly thought through everything, countered every argument she put up, and except for that slight bit of doubt that he seemed to have just before she came back that maybe he’d pushed her too far, his confidence in this being the right thing for them at the right time didn’t waver. To take the burden of doing everything for the wedding away from her because he knew how it was freaking her out – what a beautifully loving gesture. I wish my husband had done that for me for our wedding. Of course, if he had we would have ended up getting married during Happy Hour on half-priced Coronas night at TGI Friday’s … But just how much more wonderful can Luka possibly be? Sigh … You’d better appreciate him, Abby … Bitch …
Ray is standing alone in some brick-walled dimly lit warehouse-y type room that I at first thought was Luka’s Bat Cave until I remembered that it’s been MoJo-ized and is a much brighter, cheerier place these days. Ray is looking out a window at the Chicago skyline as Neela approaches and says in a voice that echoes off the walls, “This is pretty kooky, huh?” Ray doesn’t answer, so she explains “… them getting married like this …” as she moves to stand beside him. Ray then agrees that it’s “pretty kooky”. Well, considering the lack of light in the room you’re in, Ray, I’d say it’s also mysterious and spooky, and all together ooky .... He asks how things are going “down there” and Neela says that “they” are getting ready. Tired of the stilted small talk, Ray hands Neela a CD. I guess it’s the one he went locker spelunking in the cavernous ER for at the top of the show. She helpfully holds it up and we can see that the pic on the cover is of the two of them, holding up champagne glasses. The title above them in pink lettering says, “For Neela, Best Roomie Ever”, and then below them “Happy …” something or other, and there are little pink hearts down the left side. Oh, that would be so sweet … if it weren’t so freakin’ High School Musical. Jeez, Ray. You really need to stop watching Teen Nick to get your romantic inspiration. And you got the title all wrong, because if you truly wanted to relive puberty and go through all that teen angst, it’d needed to say “For Neela, Best Friends 4-Ever”, or even just “BFF”. He unnecessarily tells her “It’s for you”. Well, duh, Ray. I think she can read. Idiot. He says that he started doing a little bit of recording again, on his own and it’s got some songs that he’s been working on. Neela just nods, not sure whether to be touched, amused or nauseated by the gesture. I know which one I’d pick … Because Neela fancies herself a grown-up, she tries to tell him that it’s “great”, but really doesn’t sound very convincing. Ray says that there’s a song there about her, but she’ll have to figure that out for herself, and that there are some songs that they used to listen to when they were roommates. He goes back to looking out the window and Neela watches him for a moment before telling him that she’s sorry. Knowing exactly what she’s talking about but wanting her to say it anyway, Ray doesn’t look at her as he asks, “About what?” She excuses that she thought she was coming alone and that the Furball just showed up and since she didn’t have any traps or Rat-Be-Gone handy, she didn’t know what to do. Ray turns to lean his back against the window as he looks at her and replies, “No offense, but, uh, not knowing what to do has become your baseline”. He looks away from her as she considers him for a second and then pleads that this isn’t easy for her. Ray doesn’t say anything and Neela goes on that she’s had a pretty hard time ever since, then pauses, probably because she’s trying to remember his name and I’m so with her on that, because then I’m a little shocked when she comes up with, “… losing Michael”. Yes, I know … you are all just as surprised as I am because even though he had such a wooden acting style and was therefore christened “Plank” in the recaps, I’m pretty positive that “Michael” is not a type of tree. Magnolia, Maidenhair, Maleberry, Maple, Mimosa, Mountainash, Mulberry, Musclewood … Nope, no “Michael”. Sounding a little lost herself because she can’t see the forest for the trees, Neela starts to say “I still haven’t quite …”, but doesn’t finish. Ray sympathetically tells her, “Yeah, I know”. Neela tries to explain that the Roadkill was fresh meat, and there was no history, and he didn’t make her think about things from before. Like she’s talking out loud, Neela thinks that maybe she rushed into it because it made moving on easier. Ray watches her for a moment, before turning to face her completely and asking, “So … I feel like history to you?” Neela tells him honestly that because she didn’t have a chainsaw handy, she couldn’t separate him from “Michael”, and that she couldn’t be with him without feeling guilty. Ray nods, understanding, then takes her hand in his, caressing it as he asks, “What about now?” Neela’s not sure now whether all that matters anymore. They look at each other for a bit before Ray grins a little and asks, “Meaning?” Neela grins back at him, about to answer as we hear footsteps approach. They turn towards the sound of a relieved Busy, who’s been looking for them. She tells Neela that Abby needs to see her before the ceremony. Neela tells her “okay” and Busy heads off, checking off her list the successful completion of the task of ruining the moment. Neela and Ray stand there awkwardly for a second before an embarrassed Neela whispers that she has to go and walks away, leaving Ray to go back to city-gazing and to kick himself for having not given Neela a monthly Orkin pest control service rather than that cheesy CD …
Nicely manicured fingernails are tapping nervously along the side of a black velvet-lined jewelry box containing a lovely necklace of tiny freshwater pearls strung together in a lacy floral pattern that goes all the way around it. Camera pans up the box to the mirror behind it to show us the reflection an apprehensive Abby, who’s looking off. Considering how nice her nails look, I’m guessing the Salon really is full-service these days … Bitch … Shot moves from the mirror to Abby’s pensive profile. Abby’s wound so tightly that she literally jumps, startled at the sound of the door opening off to her left. She looks over as a smiling Neela comes in, cheerfully saying, “This is so nutty”, and quickly closing the door behind her. Abby replies rhetorically, “Tell me about it” and an evidently excited Neela talks about how this has gotten everyone so, well … excited. A white-robed but clearly nervous Abby, sitting at a vanity, tells Neela that she needs to ask her a question, then grins at her. Neela, thinking she needs the typical bride-type do-dads, jumps on it, asking if she needs the something borrowed or something blue, then rattles off that Chuny has a scarf that’s kind of aqua in color but it might do the trick. Abby asks her if she can sit down for a second. Neela looks at her quizzically and Abby grins again and says, “Sit down”. Neela sits in the chair across from Abby and looks expectantly at her. Abby smiles, then plays with her hair a little before looking down, not sure how to start. She keeps glancing up at Neela and away again, stammering a little as she tells her, “You know what … I … First of all, I know that this has been a really rough year for you …”. Looking down like she’s really does regret it, Abby distractedly moves the jewelry box as she continues apologetically, “… and I don’t think that I have been around as much … as I should … and I feel bad about that …”. Shaking her head to dismiss this notion and smiling, Neela tells her that she doesn’t have to. Abby looks at her and grins like she really appreciates Neela’s letting her off the hook. She looks down at her hands for a second, collecting her thoughts, before looking back at Neela, eyes a little teary as she tells her sincerely, “But you’ve always been a great friend to me … so …”, then hesitates, taking in a deep shaky breath. Neela looks at her encouragingly, waiting for her to continue. Abby, eyes widening a bit and looking like she’s a little afraid of the answer, breathes out, “… so …”, then stops again. Very ill-at-ease, Abby swallows before going on, switches between looking at Neela and looking away timidly, “I was wondering … i-if you didn’t mind too much …”. Finally holding Neela’s gaze with eyes that are hopeful yet still a little fearful, she asks, “… do you think you could … lead the way … and stand up there with me when we do this?” Neela, obviously touched, clarifies, “Do you mean, uh, like be your Maid of Honor?” Abby, looking a little relieved, shrugs as she replies lightly, “Well … I hate to put … that kind of conventional … term on it”, then smiles as she answers, “… but yes”. Neela, her own eyes a little shiny, smiles at Abby, and says, “I’d be honored”. Abby, moved as well, grins as she nods and thanks Neela. That over with, Abby sniffs and wipes at her nose a little before giving Neela her first duty, pushing the pearls towards her and saying like she really doesn’t have an idea how to do it, “Okay, well your first job is to figure out how I put these in my hair.“ Neela’s all “huh?” as she asks, “Hair?”, probably because she knows that it really is all about the hair and being well aware of Abby’s Hairdressing alter ego, she’s so not buying the ignorant routine … Bitch … Keeping up the innocent-of-all-hair-related-chores charade and throwing her hands up like “don’t ask me”, Abby explains, “It’s a Croatian thing …” Hee. Abby says as she clasps her hands together like she’s praying, “… they belonged to Luka’s mother”. Oh, that’s really sweet. Neela takes the pearls and moves to stand behind Abby, so that they’re both facing the mirror. As she lifts the pearls towards Abby’s hair, both seem to be getting emotional, Abby sniffing and wiping at her nose while Neela draws in and lets out a shuddering breath, saying “Okay”. As they’re both trying to keep a lid on it, Abby kiddingly chastises her not to get going with the crying stuff, “Okay, stop it … Don’t start now …” and they chuckle. Neela takes another deep breath, blows out, “Oh God” and Abby whispers in answer, “I know”. Abby sighs heavily as Neela starts to place the pearls around her crown.
Awww, what a really lovely scene. I totally love their friendship. Even though Abby’s right, and they haven’t had a lot of interaction with each other this year, their friendship is always apparent in all the scenes they do have together. And I think you can probably cut yourself a little slack for not being around, Abby, considering you’ve got a lot on your plate, what with juggling motherhood, your medical residency and a full-time, in-home, full-service Salon and Day Spa … Bitch …
We see Luka’s reflection in a full-length mirror as he’s putting on his cufflinks … Let’s all just admire the view for a moment, shall we? … Sigh … Yum … There’s a knock on the door and Luka says, “Come in”. The big wooden doors behind Luka slowly start to slide open to reveal a Cheshire Cat-grinning Pratt. Pratt’s all with the “heh heh” total guy ball-busting type chuckling as he comes in and closes the door behind him, kidding Luka, “There he is … dead man walking …” A smiling Luka replies, “Ha ha, very funny” as he adjusts his tie and crosses to the other side of the room and Pratt continues giggling. Pratt keeps jesting, “Wait, you’re not getting cold feet are you?” as he checks his watch and tells Luka that he can find a back way out of there and have him at a Gentleman’s Club across town in under twenty minutes. As he puts on his now white calla lily boutonnière-ed jacket, Luka lightly scolds him, “Pratt …” Still laughing, Pratt says that he’s just teasing him. Pratt says that Busy told him that Luka wanted to talk to him and that it was important. Luka buttons his jacket and steps closer to Pratt, saying, “We’ve had our moments, Pratt …”. Pratt reaches up and pulls some fuzz or something off Luka’s lapel. Watch it, Pratt. I’m Luka’s official lint brush … And I’m more than ready to roll all over every lovely inch of you whenever you are in need of dust-busting, Luka … Just saying … And you’re just lucky you’re you and you’re Mr. Smooth Operator, Ladies Man, or else I’d be so over you about terminating the touching, Pratt … Luka tells him, “And, uh, I haven’t always, uh, liked the things you’ve done or the way you’ve done them … But, I’ve always respected your reasons”. Pratt, looking and sounding puzzled, thanks him. Luka goes on that he’s had to supervise Pratt, which wasn’t always easy for either of them, but that he thinks, “… we’ve managed to reach a place where at the end of the day … we’re also friends”. Pratt responds that he feels the same way. He looks at Luka expectantly. Luka hesitates, chews on his lips, swallows, then looks at Pratt earnestly and asks, “Would you stand up for me?” Awww. Pratt’s taken aback, looking really surprised as he says, “Wait, you mean like …” Luka reaches into his pocket … Okay, I know that you’ve got to have just as difficult a time keeping your hands off you as I would, Luka, but seriously, this is not the time either … But I am waiting by the phone … Just saying … Luka pulls out the ring box and holds it up, asking Pratt, “Be my Best Man?” Pratt, apparently as honored as Neela was at being asked, nods and says definitively, “Any time, any place”. Luka’s totally pleased and they smile at each other as they shake hands, with Pratt taking Luka’s right hand in both of his. Luka, a little emotional himself, holds the box out to him, smiling and whispering like he doesn’t quite trust his voice right now, “Don’t lose that”. Pratt laughs as he takes it from him. The doors open behind them and Morris comes rushing in saying to Luka that it’s “Go time, my brother … You ready?” Luka nods, looking slightly nervous. Morris heads out as Pratt says to Luka, “Let’s do it” and they move through the doors, Luka patting Pratt on the back as they go.
Another nice scene, and another friendship that I really like. Luka totally summed up his relationship with Pratt very well. Pratt’s really grown to become a character with some depth, and his interactions with Luka, especially over the past two seasons, have really contributed to this growth, and they have developed a good and very believable bond. It seems fitting that Luka would want Pratt to stand up with him.
We view Pratt and Luka through Morris’ video camera as they exit into the hallway and we can hear the string quartet playing. The date stamp tells us that it is “05/03/07”. Morris tells Luka that his tie is crooked and we see his hand reach up to Luka’s neck to fix it. Luka tells him, “I’m fine, Morris”, but Morris keeps adjusting it until Luka beats me to it and says in more annoyed tone, “Morris … Morris, leave me alone …” Luka’s had enough of Morris and swats the camera away out of his face, demanding, “Stop pointing that thing at me”. Hee … Morris is all apologetic, muttering, “I’m just emotional … I’m emotional …” Busy comes up to Luka and tells him that everything is good and under control. As she places a white calla lily boutonnière that matches Luka’s in Pratt’s lapel, she says, “There’s just been one minor change …”. Morris is filming again as Luka questions Busy, “Change?” Morris starts fiddling with Luka’s tie again and Luka looks over at him sharply, causing Morris to drop it and hightail it out of there. Luka tries to suppress a grin as he watches Morris hurry away. Hee. Busy explains to Luka that the Justice of the Peace couldn’t make it so he sent a replacement. Luka looks over at her, “Someone else is doing the ceremony???” All with the “it’s-really-not-a-big-deal… really” little too enthusiastic tone, Busy assures him “He’s very experienced …” Now it’s Busy’s turn to be all over Luka’s tie as she goes on that “It’ll be lovely …” Again with the touching. How many times do I have to say it -- Hands off The Handsome, people! When they finally meet with her stamp of approval, she tells Luka and Pratt cheerfully, “Okay … Go … Go, go, go!” Luka takes a deep breath and looks around as camera flashes go off in his face and he and Pratt head into the room, leaving Busy to watch them with a huge smile.
As Luka and Pratt step onto the runner on the middle aisle, I’m finally able to make out the tune that the formerly Sassy Strings of Silly Seventies’ Songs, but now because the ceremony’s about to start are more the Supremely Sublime Strings of Splendidly Sweet Situations, is playing – “At Last” … Hee … How absolutely appropriate … Of course, this is an instrumental version, but in my head, I’m hearing the incomparable Etta James singing … Wonderful song, and so fitting after these “seven years” … Luka and Pratt pause at the back of the aisle for a moment, Luka rubbing his hands together in anticipation and grinning while we can practically see every tooth in Pratt’s head with the wide smile that he’s wearing. They walk up the aisle, past the now filled-to-capacity room. They make their way to the “altar” to find a yarmulke-sporting, tallit-wearing rabbi waiting for them. Hee. Hey, it’s George Wyner – this guy’s been in absolutely everything, but I remember him best as Colonel Sandurz from Spaceballs … Hee … Colonel Sandurz grins and nods at them as they step up to stand next to him. Pratt stares at him with a WTF scowl as Luka just keeps looking the rabbi up and down, like he’s trying convince himself he’s actually seeing what he’s seeing. Colonel Sandurz is looking off down the aisle, so he’s totally oblivious to their scrutiny. Luka turns around to look at Pratt with a hilarious “Is this for real?” expression, to which Pratt gives him a “Hey, don’t look at me, man” face back, and they both turn back to look at the Colonel. Hee. Luka starts to rock back and forth on his heels as he continues to regard the rabbi.
Neela comes out from behind the velvet drapes at the back of the “church” and mouths to Busy that Abby’s ready. Busy’s all aflutter as she follows Neela back to where Abby is.
Abby, in her gown, is standing stock-still in the middle of a multi-floral arrangement-ed, candles everywhere hallway, looking petrified. Her hair is now up in a chignon with the pearls arranged around her crown and she’s got a taupe-colored shawl wrapped around her lower back, with its ends draped over her arms. Angelic Curls with her little flower girl basket and some woman carrying a couple of bouquets are walking up the hall towards her as Neela and then Busy come through the curtains, doing that excited gasping thing again. Busy asks Abby if she’s ready and in a totally panicked voice Abby answers, “No”. Neela encouragingly tells her that she’ll be fine as Busy takes the bouquet of white roses from Some Woman. She tries to hand them to Abby who tells her, “I don’t want that”. Busy scolds her, “Abby, do you want to make Sophie cry again”. Frustrated, Abby raises closed eyes and tilts her head back before turning to Angelic Curls and telling her in an exasperated tone, “Sophie, I’m sorry, but I’m really not ready …” Since Angelic Curls is most likely not allowed to stay up that late and has therefore never seen this show before, she incredibly asks Abby, “Why do you have to be such a whiner?” Hee. Because Abby’s emotional state has reduced her to the mentality of a first-grader, she brats back, “Why do you have to be such a crybaby?” Hee … Next they’re going to go all pissy playground on each other and start a slap fight complete with name-calling, hair-pulling and “I’m telling!!” action … Busy tries to take control of the situation and leads Angelic Curls toward the “church”, as Angelic Curls glares at Abby who’s staring back at her. Hee.
As “At Last” continues, a now smiling Angelic Curls starts to head down the aisle, dropping red rose petals as she goes. She’s followed by Neela, who’s carrying a bouquet of different colored roses. Cameras go off as they make their way down the aisle. Luka raises his eyebrows and grins at them, as he still rocks nervously on his heels. Neela steps up onto the “altar”, smiling at Luka as she turns to face him. Luka, all anticipatively playing with his lips, glances over at her and gives her another slight eyebrow raise and grin, before looking down again. The music ends and a general murmur starts up among the congregation. Luka and Pratt both look down the aisle. Shot changes to the altar-cam behind Luka, Pratt, Neela and the Colonel, showing us the whole “church”. Everyone’s turned to look towards the back. There’s an awkward silence and a lot of fidgeting and whispering going on because nothing’s happening. The Sublime Strings start up again, this time playing “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. Hey!!! That was my wedding song! And I had a string quartet at my ceremony, too! Does this mean that I’m married to Luka??? Works for me … Especially seeing as Abby’s taking her own sweet time even making it to the aisle. Who in their right mind would be hesitating when they have THAT waiting at the other end for them??? … Crazy bitch … I’d have sprinted up that aisle hours ago and have long since consummated this marriage … a few times … for good measure … Just saying … Luka’s still looking down the aisle, waiting patiently … Bitch … Everyone strains to see as we hear hushed voices arguing from the back, “Go!”, “No!” “Go, go, go, go!”, “Just …”, as Abby comes stumbling out from behind the drapes, obviously having been given a shove from Busy. Hee. The crowd starts chuckling as Abby comes floundering in, turning around to shoot a look back at Busy. Luka looks down again, suppressing a grin, as we see Abby in the back, trying to readjust her wrap and compose herself. She plays with her hair a little then heads to the center aisle. Everyone starts to stand up as she moves towards the runner. In her right hand, she’s holding her bouquet by the end of the stems so that it hangs down towards the floor. She stands in the center, looking a bit disconcerted by all the people that are there, looking at her. She brings the flowers up to hold them properly, then glances over towards Busy, who’s playing with her hands and smiling reassuringly at Abby. Abby turns to face front, visibly braces herself to do this, and looks up the aisle towards Luka, who’s looking back at her, giving her a slight smile. Abby grins a little nervously, sets her mouth in this “okay, here we go” type way, and starts to head up the aisle, glancing around at all the people there. Everyone gathered is smiling at her as she passes by them, some taking pictures with their cell phones. Morris is at the front, filming her and we hear cameras snapping away. Abby really does look beautiful. That simple cap-sleeved, low-cut gown with gathers across the ribcage is very flattering on her. It looks like she now has on those really nice teardrop diamond stud earrings she’s been wearing a lot this season. Good on the “Croatian thing”, too, because the pearls look very nice arranged in her hair like that, and the matching choker just completes it all perfectly. Luka doesn’t stop watching her as she approaches and she holds his gaze and smiles at him as she walks. As Abby passes her, the camera stays on Sam for a moment, to catch her slightly wistful expression, like she’s recognizing that if she hadn’t given in to early-onset dementia and dumped The Delicious, that could be her right now; but at the same time, in her look there’s also the acknowledgement and acceptance that this is the way that it was meant to be …
Abby makes it to the altar, stepping up and handing her bouquet to Neela. As she turns to face Luka, who’s been watching her and grinning the whole time, she notices the Colonel, doing a double-take as she realizes what he is. Hee. She looks at Luka, inclining her head towards the Colonel like “What’s all this then?” I guess she’s wondering if the Croatian Sensation pulled the rabbi out of the same hat as the rabbit … Luka gives her the “Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with that either” face twist as the music ends. Everyone takes their seats as Luka and Abby stand facing each other with the matching bridal couple holding-my-hands-in-front-of-me nervous postures and grins. Colonel Sandurz welcomes everyone, then taking papers from his breast pocket, says “I understand from my notes that Luka and Abigail …”, and Abby corrects him, interjecting, “Uh, it’s Abby”. Colonel Sandurz picks up right where he left off, “… have no patience for the normal rituals … Which I find a little meshuggah …”. Everyone chuckles and Abby glances over at the Colonel, before looking back at Luka, grinning and shaking her head slightly as Luka bites his lip with a grin and shuffles back and forth and the Colonel says, “… but, hey … if that’s how you want it … We’ll get right to it …”. As Luka keeps licking his lips in anticipation, the Colonel consults his book and starts to read, “Today, you become a man …” which causes Luka to look over at him with a “Say what?” expression and the congregation chuckles a bit. As the Colonel apologizes and says that he had a bar mitzvah this morning, Abby turns to look at Neela and the two of them start giggling. The Colonel says that he’s “such a schnook” as Abby turns back around to face Luka again. Colonel Sandurz finally finds the right ceremony and as Abby and Luka keep grinning at each other, reads, “Marriage … is an important step … a great responsibility …” Abby give him a sideways “let’s get on with it” look as waves his hand in a “keep it moving” way and skips ahead to the “… coming together of souls … Yada yada …yada yada …” The Colonel closes the book and asks them pleasantly, “Any readings?” Abby gives Luka a “Well, are there?” look as Luka, a little caught off guard, smiles and stutters a bit as he tells them that there are no readings. The Colonel’s all disappointed because he thinks readings are a nice touch and “classy”. Nice, Colonel. He just told you that they don’t have any, so what’s with the laying on the guilt trip and making them feel bad about it? And since when is a preening panoplied primped-up prettified pimp palace not the epitome of “classy”? … Neela, clearly taking her Maid of Honor role very seriously, saves the beleaguered bride/bridegroom from continuing awkwardness by piping up that she has one. A surprised Abby turns and asks “You do?” and Neela says that it’s a Punjabi tradition. Neela moves to stand between Abby and Luka and begins reciting something that sounds really pretty, even if I can’t understand a word of it. When she finishes, Luka grins and Abby tells her that it was beautiful, then asks what it is. Neela explains that it’s about love, faith and devotion as the camera switches to Ray, watching her. Neela tells Abby that it’s “kind of a blessing”. Everybody smiles and Neela moves back to her place beside Abby. Colonel makes with the “Alrighty … next thing …” then asks the assembly, “Any jilted ex-lovers out there want to say something about why these two shouldn’t be married?” Luka just looks over at him pointedly as Abby leans towards the Colonel with a “don’t even go there” grin and says through gritted teeth, “Okay, moving on …” Hee. Don’t know why you’re so alarmed, Abby, considering Sam’s crazy Croatian curb-kicking has already been established, plus the fact that Carter dumped you by carelessly callous Congo communiqué, so unless Jake’s done leaving his heart in San Francisco or Dubenko needs another round with the Satisfaction Facilitator and you’re afraid he’ll proposition you again to get it, I really don’t think you have anything to worry about … The Colonel gets the hint and moves on to ask for vows. Abby turns to him again and says, “No vows”. She starts to ask, “Can you just skip ahead to the ‘I now pronounce you’ thing”, as Luka holds up his right index finger and says, “Uh …” to interrupt. She looks over at him and he asks, “No vows?” Abby’s totally taken aback, questioning him, “You have vows?”
Luka steps closer to her and takes both of her hands in his. He looks down at their joined hands, draws in, then lets out a breath, and in the now completely silent room, addresses her in a quiet but ardent voice, “Be my wife … I offer myself, with all my faults and strengths … We’ll help each other when we need help, and work together to raise our son …” Holding his gaze, eyes bright as she blinks back tears, Abby smiles at him and he looks at her with true devotion as he goes on, heartfelt, “I choose you as the person I will love and honor, for the rest of my days”. Wow … Abby just looks at him for a long moment, visibly moved by his words and the beautiful sentiment behind them. Not breaking their look, she shakes her head slightly, like she can’t quite believe all he just said to her. Prompting that it’s her turn to speak, The Colonel murmurs, “Abigail?” Abby takes a deep breath and glances over at him, before leaning in towards Luka and saying in a low voice, “Well, it’s not really fair because you got to practice”, causing Luka to grin. The Colonel asks again, “Abigail?” as Abby turns around to whisperingly complain to Neela, “It’s not fair because he got to practice”. Colonel Sandurz is once again with the nudging, “Abigail?” and Abby whips around, giving him an impatient, “It’s Abby!” Hee. Abby turns back to Luka, chewing on her lips as she tries to think of what to say. Luka watches her, waiting. Abby looks down for a moment and gives an uncomfortable little laugh, before saying “Okay” in an “I can do this” tone and looking up at Luka. She nervously starts, “Uh, okay … um …”, glances down again before looking back up into his eyes and declaring with such profoundly intense feeling, “First of all … first of all, I love you …”. Oh, wow … Looking at him unwaveringly now, Abby grins, then continues with certainty and even more deeply felt emotion, almost whispering, “… I do …”. Wow … She tells him in a voice full of genuine gratitude and fondness, “… and you’ve helped me … through a lot … And we got here, together … with a beautiful little boy …”. Luka stares at her, unblinking, obviously affected by what she’s saying. Abby tilts her head a little as she looks at him, then alternately looking up at him and down again, a little unsure, tripping over her words as she tells him, “And I … I was thinking of a po-- … a poem before, actually … Before when I was getting ready …” She looks up at him and smiles, like he’s giving her the confidence to go on, so she keeps going, “And I think … I think it starts … I carry your heart, in my heart * …”, as Luka looks at her, his own eyes full of emotion, “I am never without it …”. Still smiling and gazing at him with absolute unadulterated affection, Abby continues, “Anywhere I go, you go …”. Her eyes dart around a little as she tries to recall how the rest of it goes, then she looks down as she laughs and says, “I’m probably messing the whole thing up, but …”, and Luka smiles at her lovingly, never stopping watching her. She looks up and away, remembering the last part, and says, “… I think the end … goes …”, as she looks back at him, “And this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart … I carry your heart … I carry it in my heart … “. Eyes filled with warmth, love and like hers, shining a bit from unshed tears, Luka smiles at her. Smiling brightly once more at him, Abby lifts her shoulders in a shrug as she tells him, “So … I guess what I’m saying is … Let’s just try to love each other and uh, … persevere …”, as Luka gazes at her with unutterable tenderness. Just lovely …
Colonel Sandurz breaks the bewitching spell that’s been cast over everyone by this beautiful moment, quipping, “Jeez … for two people who want to cut to the chase … You sure know how to go on …” Hee … The entire group, who had been engrossed to the point of silence during the exchange of vows, laughs out loud at this. The Colonel asks for the rings and Luka and Abby turn to Pratt and Neela, respectively, and take them. Abby holds out her left hand and Luka slides the ring on her finger, stroking her hand with his when he’s done. She smiles at him, then places his ring on his finger. She holds his hand as she looks up at him and they share a smile. The Colonel leans down to place something on the floor and Abby and Luka let go of their hands. Luka looks over at The Colonel, who says, “Humor me”. Hee. Abby chuckles and Luka does an adorable eyebrows-raised “well, okay, if you insist” head wag before giving Abby a huge smile. The Colonel announces, “By the power invested in me by Cook County …”, as Luka holds his clasped hands out in front of him in a gesture of eager expectation, “… and the State of Illinois, I hereby pronounce you, husband and wife …”. Abby and Luka grin at each other as the Colonel orders Luka to “step on the glass and kiss that girl” and the crowd chuckles. A smiling Luka self-consciously moves his hand up like he’s going to tug on his ear, then raises his right foot and brings it down on the cloth covered glass, shattering it. The Colonel proclaims, “Mazel tov!” as Abby and Luka smile broadly at one another, laughing. They move closer to each other, Luka taking her face in both of his hands, leaning in to kiss her. Everyone stands, clapping and cheering, and the now Saucy Strings strike up a rousing rendition of Hava Nagila. Abby drops both of her arms, melting into the kiss, before finally raising them to encircle his waist as he keeps on kissing her. Abby and Luka are lost in each other for the moment, totally oblivious to what’s going on around them. Bulbs flash, the applause and well-wishing goes on, with even MoJo getting in on the act, raising his arm is an almost saluting-like wave to his parents. Awww. Seemingly still not willing to break apart yet, Luka continues to kiss her, slightly swaying back and forth …
Wonderfully done.
Instrumental jazz music that has that sort “Take the A Train” swing to it is playing as the guests are heapin’ on the helpin’s from the nice spread on the buffet table. Not seeing any cream of roast yak there, Luka, so I’m guessing Kyrgyzstan’s out too … But there is a tray full of asparagus, and a carving station where a waiter type is slicing up the ham and turkey and serving it to The Colonel. Is that kosher, Colonel? You know, Luka, this caterer’s not very exciting. If you’re interested, I know some caterers who do some very creative stuff – like this guy who does an elaborate salad tossing routine to the theme from Rocky … We hear Morris calling for everyone’s attention and asking them to “please shut up”. Nice, Morris. Just ruin the whole “classy” atmosphere, why don’t you? Of course, you with a microphone is pretty much the antithesis of “classy” … unless you remove the “c” and the “l” … Morris announces that he’s been asked to kick off the “party portion” of the night’s festivities. Oh, Luka. You voluntarily gave him the microphone? Yikes … Because they’ve apparently been drinking for hours and have no brain cells left, everyone cheers at this bit of information. Luka and Abby are sitting at their two-person ringside round table, where her bouquet, some lit candles, his glass of champagne and her some-kind-of-non-alcoholic-beverage-with-a-lemon-twist are in front of them. Luka even lets out a “woo hoo!” at Morris’ proclamation, as Abby tolerantly grins, probably because by now she’s used to Luka’s craptastic idea of entertainment and realizes that Morris with a mike fits right in … Guess it’s a good thing that Luka’s got plenty of other things going for him, eh, Abby? … Bitch … Though I guess now that you’re married, that should be “Mrs. Bitch” … Bitch … Morris starts off by saying that “this is truly a marriage made at County …” and we hear some “Awwww” ‘s, then Morris continues, “Because if we worked at Northwestern or Rush, there’d be better food and a lot more booze” … Everyone laughs, though there was no obligatory obnoxious rolling rimshot ba dum bum to signal that you were supposed to, so I didn’t … Morris, not having had enough of the Vegas nightlife with his Kiki-filled lounge act earlier, now has to go all schlocky Shecky second-rate stand-up on us …Ugh … He points to Dubenko and is conspiratorially, “The top shelf stuff, right, Lucien?” Dubenko throws his arms out with a “Huh? Don’t look at me” gesture. Then Morris gives him a “Relax, big guy”. And everyone keeps laughing, even Abby, though hers is more of the “WTF is up with this” variety, because really, Morris is so not funny. I think he needs a heckler. Since no one there seems willing to do it, I’m offering my services. Will a “You freakin’ suck!!!” suffice? Busy has the video camera on him and is capturing Morris’ routine for posterity for God’s knows why. Morris, getting hyped up by the crowd, who are probably just hopped up on the booze to be laughing at this shit, goes on “I’m not saying that Kovac is cheap … but he did try to get Murray the Roach Coach guy to cater this thing” … Abby’s just sort of looking at Morris with a “seriously, just get off the stage” grin as a smiling Luka rolls his eyes and wags his head in a “ha ha, very funny, Morris” patronizing way before looking over at her. Morris says “Anyway …”, which hopefully is meant to signal the end of his comedic crapfest. And it is, as he goes on that “…the kids have rested up and are ready for their first dance … So I give you … Abby Lockhart, Luka Kovac … married couple.” Cue applause. Luka stands up, takes Abby’s hand and leads her to the dance floor as the opening bars of Stevie Wonder’s “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” starts to play. I KNEW IT!!! Oh my God, I so called that this would be their wedding song back in Scoop and Run when Abby told Luka that it was essential that Joe listen to everything Stevie Wonder ever recorded in the ‘70’s … And my friend Tish had the audacity to challenge my powerful precognitive psychic proficiency pertaining to The Pretty and bet me on it … Dumbass …I mean, yes, “For Once in My Life” is a great song, Tish, and, yes, it is fitting for them, too, but you really can’t dance to it. But see, you’ve learned a lesson from this, Tish, because seriously … Poorer but wiser, which is more important? … I’ll be expecting your check …
Lightbulbs flash. Morris takes the video camera from Busy and records as a smiling Abby moves in towards Luka, he takes her into his arms and they start to sway to the music. So Luka DO dance after all … Abby seems to be whispering something to him, too, and I can just imagine what it is because he gets a huge smile on his face … Bitch … Camera shows everyone happily watching the happy couple, Busy, with her hands on Morris’ shoulders, even singing along … You are the sunshine of my life … Through the Morris cam, we see Luka even getting all fancy with the dancing, releasing Abby’s left hand so that he can push her out and twirl her, then holding her again so that he can dip her. Abby tosses her head back and drops her arm as he does, totally hamming it up. Hee. The two of them are just grinning from ear to ear – obviously enjoying themselves – and it’s so cute … That’s why I’ll always be around …
Neela watches the dance for a moment, before looking over towards the bar, where Ray is sitting. He’s looking at Abby and Luka so doesn’t notice her noticing him.
You are the apple of my eye … Abby and Luka are still all smiles while they dance. She pulls her back a little to look at him as he starts to say something to her, though we’re not privy to their private murmurings. He tilts his head as he speaks to her, giving her a huge grin, and she bursts out laughing. They are really just absolutely adorable … Forever you’ll stay in my heart …
Busy sidles over to sit next to Neela. Busy complements her on how beautiful her reading was and how it “added an ethnic spice to the ceremony” … I feel like this is the beginning … Neela tries to pass it off as just trying to do her part. Busy then asks her what it meant … Though I’ve loved you for a million years … Neela, looking a bit ill-at-ease, replies that she wasn’t really prepared, but Busy tells her not to be so modest and assures her that she’s was great, as Abby and Luka move past the camera and Busy looks over at them with an “Awwwww” face … And if I thought our love was ending … Neela, watches them dance … I’d find myself drowning in my own tears … She then leans over and hesitatingly tells Busy that it meant, “Uh … I went to the market to buy some meat … But the butcher wasn’t there … so I … got … fish instead”, then takes a sip of her champagne as Busy’s face hilariously drops at this revelation and she just stares at her. Hee. … You are the sunshine of my life … Neela gives an uncomfortable laugh as she says that it was the only Punjabi she could “come up with in a pinch”. … That’s why I’ll always stay around … Still wide-eyed, open-mouthed staring at her, Busy replies, “Okay … let’s just … keep that between ourselves” then heads off. Hee …
… You are the apple of my eye … Neela watches as Ray gets up from the bar and walks away … Love has joined us … She throws one last look at Abby and Luka before getting up to follow him … Forever you’ll stay in my heart …
… You must have known that I was lonely … Abby and Luka, still grinning, are just gazing at each other happily as they move to the music. Looking at him adoringly, Abby knowingly questions, “Stevie Wonder, huh?” Luka’s smile gets even bigger as he gives her a quick eyebrow raise and affirms assuredly, “I told you … I hear everything you say …” Awwww … Abby moves in even closer to him and he rests his cheek against her head as they continue to sway … Again, awwww …
McEgo is on what looks like an outdoor balcony where some tables with umbrellas are set up, talking on his cell phone. He’s telling someone in that condescending tone one uses with a preschooler, “… just try to go to sleep and if you need me, or you just want to talk to me, you call me, okay?” … Because you came to my rescue … Neela, arms crossed in front of her, comes walking through the French doors that lead out onto this patio … And I know that this must be heaven … She watches him as he finishes up his call, saying “I love you, too”, so I guess he must be leaving himself a voice mail … How could so much love be inside of you?... He drops the phone like he’s disappointed he didn’t get to talk to himself as Neela tells him that he’s missing the first dance. He blows this off, telling her that “Sarah” or as I refer to her “Deej” because she reminds me of one of Uncle Jesse’s Full House Tanner girls, the daughter of his ex-live-in, ex-living fuck buddy Meg, called and that she’s having a “rough night” … You are the sunshine of my life … Neela walks a little closer to him, asking if Deej is alright … That’s why I’ll always stay around … McEgo thinks Deej is a tough kid, mostly, and that sometimes she’s just a kid. Neela asks him if he’s alright. See Neela, giving him attention is exactly why you can’t get rid of him – once you feed a stray, or in this case, an ego, it’s almost impossible to keep them from sniffing around you … You are the apple of my eye … McEgo tells her that he’s happy for Abby and Luka, and that this is good and it’s a “beautiful night” and turns to face her. McEgo’s got some sort of weird bruise-like discoloration on his right cheek. Guess when you’re not used to shaving, your skin’s bound to be a bit sensitive, eh, McEgo? Though unless you’re a Yeti, which is entirely possible, I can’t really figure out why you’d shave your cheek … She must be giving him the SPCA sympathy scowl because he shrugs and unconvincingly tells her that he’s fine and she gives him the “c’mon now” type pronunciation of his name, “Tony”, in return … Forever you’ll stay in my heart … He starts going off about how sometimes he thinks he’s handling it fine … You are the sunshine of my life … and other times he gets so angry at “her” and wants to know how she can “leave a beautiful kid like this”, and bangs on a chair in frustration over how pissed he is at Meg, or as I called her, “Trixie”, because that was the role Paula Malcomson who played her had on Deadwood, for having killed herself. … That’s why I’ll always stay around … McEgo just can’t understand how she could have done it, how she could have played with their minds like that. Neela, trying to look empathetic but really just looking like she’s impassively watching an animal at the zoo, which I guess is close enough, tells him that “it’s okay”, but he doesn’t think it is … You are the apple of my eye … Closing her eyes, Neela repeats slowly, “It’s o-kay … to be angry”. He’s not so sure because she’s dead. Neela tells him matter-of-factly that she’s angry at “Michael” … Forever you’ll stay in my heart … She says that she still is, probably because she just hasn’t been able to get any good syrup since he was chopped down … She doesn’t think that she’ll ever get over it. Now it’s McEgo’s turn to try to look compassionate, but despite repeated warnings from me he just won’t do anything about the roughage in his diet and once more just looks constipated, as he touches her face and tells her that “I haven’t been a good friend …”, making it all about him yet again. Shocking. McSelfish. Neela looks down, like she so does not want him to be touching her right now. He tells her that he screwed up and he wants to make it right, make it better, as, of course, Ray just happens to walk by the French doors at this precise moment to spot the McFaceStroking. Ray can’t believe what he’s seeing, and just shakes his head bitterly, before walking away, because he feels so dirty when they start talking cute, he wants to tell her that he loves her but the point is probably moot … McEgo asks Neela if he can have another chance. Neela pushes his hand away from her face as she says his name, then tells him that she doesn’t think that this is the time or place for this, but it seems perfect to him. Once again not immediately ridding her life of vermin, Neela moves past him to head back inside, saying that maybe they should talk about this some other time. She suggests that they can go for coffee or something. McEgo’s McShocked, because he knows that people get back together over dinner, but they break up over coffee. Neela, hearing the frolicking of the partygoers, ignores this and tells him that she needs to get back inside, leaving him to sigh heavily and wonder how he’s going to McMake his McMove over McMochachinos …
We hear utensils being tapped against the side of a glass to get everyone’s attention. Abby and Luka are back at their table and the camera is shooting them from behind, as Dubenko, carrying a beer, passes in front of them, giving the “awww, aren’t you cute” look as he goes. Abby’s left arm is on the table, and Luka’s left hand is on her forearm, his fingers stroking her. Awww, that’s sweet … Bitch … She moves her arm a little closer to him as he continues to caress it … Again, sweet … and again … Bitch … We can hear that Pratt now has the mike and is trying to get everyone’s attention. From the Luka and Abby cam, we see that he’s made himself more comfortable by shedding the jacket, unbuttoning the top buttons on his shirt, and loosening his tie. He’s teasing Frank, who’s returning to his table, by saying, “Pardon me, Twinkletoes, you did a great job out there”, and giving him a little kick in the butt. Hee. Pratt, who’s holding a champagne glass, says that “First and foremost, I have to thank Luka for inviting us all here today …” Frank interjects, “It’s not like we had a choice …” and there’s general chuckling. Luka smiles over at him, while Abby, tongue rolling around in her cheek, gives Frank a little bit of a surprised “oh really” face. Pratt continues, “I think I speak for everyone … including Frank … when I say that it is an honor and a privilege to be here on your special day”. Everyone “Hear hear” ‘s this and raises their glasses in salute. Through the Morris cam, Pratt says, “Now, you guys know me, I’ve never been married before so …”, and Morris chimes in, sing-songing, “But he’s dated women who we-ere …”, and everyone laughs. Sam, belatedly getting in touch with her inner heckler, yells out, “Leave your mom out of it, Morris”, and the crowd’s all “Oooooh”. Morris, in typical “dish it out but can’t take it fashion”, stands up and all pissily spits out, “Okay … okay … What’s the difference between an ER nurse and a Porsche, Sam?”, as Dubenko puts a restraining hand on him. Sam, holding a glass of red wine in right hand, gives him a “Oh, yeah? You want a piece of me? Bring it on” gesture with her left. Hee. Pratt tries to regain control and get people to listen up. Abby looks totally amused and is grinning over at Sam, probably because she saw what Sam did to that Self-Defense Instructor Police Officer, who reminded me of Meat from Porky’s, in the Family Business ep and is so hoping Sam gets her Kung Fu Fighting on with Morris. Pratt says that he can’t believe “you guys save lives for a living”. Getting back to his Best Man speech, Pratt says that he’s had the great pleasure of working with Abby and Luka, adding “both of whom I consider friends”. Everyone’s quiet now, listening to Pratt as he goes on, “And I see them working together … sharing a life … sharing a family … You know, tonight’s been a great night, and I know … we all know … that this can’t last forever … but … I think we all do agree that the love between you two will … and I know it will …” Awww, that’s sweet, Pratt. He keeps on, “And hopefully … with some luck … maybe some of that love will rub off on all of us here and help us find someone as special as you two have …” Abby and Luka, who had been watching him, turn to look at each other and share a smile as Pratt finishes “… someone to share the rest of your lives with … as friends … and … as lovers”. Pratt raises his glass high, everyone else following suit. He says, “To Abby and Luka! And love and friendship! … Hear hear!”, as he toasts them, Abby and Luka hold their glasses up to him and everyone claps and cheers. Well done, Pratt. Pratt turns to the DJ and tells him “you know what to do, now, c’mon!” The disco beat starts up and everyone jumps up onto the dance floor … Put on your dancin’ shoes … Pratt and Chuny are totally getting their boogie on – Pratt even Saturday Night Fever-ing it, Travolta style … We’re goin’ out tonight … Abby and Luka grin as they toast each other and he winks at her. Awww … They both start cracking up when they look out at the dance fools dancing …
A drink-toting feeling-no-pain Usher saunters up to Dawn at the bar and “Hey, baby” ‘s her. Dawn, with the “don’t even” tone and look, asks him “Who are you talkin’ to?” Overtly checking out her ass, he replies, “The hottest nurse in the ER”. Now that’s a little more like it Usher – I was worried about you there with that outrageous octogenarian obsession you seemed to have when you went cruising with Sam’s Gaudy Grandma Gracie. Dawn bursts out laughing and walks away, leaving Usher, who didn’t even seem to notice that he just got dissed, leaning against the bar. Abby walks by behind him, seemingly looking for someone. She keeps going until she comes to a burgundy draped doorway where she hears Busy’s voice saying, “Make sure that the guest has finished eating and make sure that there are no empties …” Abby stands there, watching Busy, who’s in the kitchen area giving orders to some vest-wearing waiter-types. As they start to go back out to do their jobs, an annoyed Busy admonishes one of them to button up her vest. They walk by a smirking Abby, who addresses Busy. Busy, appalled that Abby’s back there, is all “What are you doing here??? No, you should be out there …” as Abby walks over to her. Abby tries to get her attention, but Busy’s busy babbling, “No, the bride can not be back here …” Abby, shrugging her shoulders and holding up her fists in frustration, says more sharply, “Hope!”, and Busy shuts up, looking at Abby apprehensively. Abby’s annoyance evaporates and she pauses for a second before grinning at Busy and telling her sincerely, “I want to thank you for all of this”. Busy, still looking a bit frightened, asks uncertainly, “You do?” Amused at Busy’s expression, Abby nods, grinning, and tells her “yes”. Busy considers this for a second then asks hesitatingly, “You’re not gonna … hurt me?” Abby chuckles and shakes her head, saying, “No”. Busy, all gushingly overcome, hugs her, surprising Abby, who puts her hands up like “uh, okay”. Hee … Abby’s still holding her hands like that, not hugging back, but notices that Busy’s crying, and asks her what’s wrong. Busy’s all with the weepy, “It’s just so beautiful”. Busy hugs a not-returning-it Abby even harder, causing Abby to grin and then grimace at being squeezed like that, saying “Okay …” Hee …
Luka, looking mighty sexy with his tie undone, because he’s apparently doing the initial undressing preparations for my lapdance, strides purposefully through the rooms, looking for someone. I’m right here, Luka … Just saying … Dubenko, who’s sitting in a leather wingback chair downing a beer, spots him, gets up and calls to him. Luka comes over and asks Dubenko if he’s seen Abby. What? You can’t find her? What happened to that “we-always-find-each-other” compass you gave her for Christmas last year? Guess you left it in the Bat Cave … Dubenko, obviously a little loopy from the lager, shakes Luka’s hand and congratulates him, telling him that he’s a “lucky guy”. Luka thanks him, but Dubenko doesn’t think Luka is totally getting it because he tells him, “No, really … Abby’s great …”. Still walking, not stopping on his Lockhart lookout, Luka assures him, “I know”. Dubenko, getting in front of him, puts his hand to Luka’s chest to stop him, warning him, “Don’t ever hurt her”. Uh oh. Guess Dubenko didn’t object during the ceremony because he needed liquid courage before confronting Luka … Maybe he’s afraid Luka’s going to cut him off from his Satisfaction Facilitator supplier … Luka’s all “Excuse me?” Dubenko squares off in front of him and says, “I mean it”. Luka, seeing no real threat here – and really, why would he? … Bitch – gives him a nod and dismisses it, “Okay”, patting Dubenko on the shoulder as he walks right past him. Hee. Dubenko, apparently not done, turns and follows him.
Chuny comes up to get a drink at the bar as Usher ogles her from the other side and says, “Chuny … anybody ever told you that you was the hottest nurse in the ER?” Chuny gives him a “well, duh” scowl, says, “Yeah”, takes her glass from the bartender and walks away, leaving Usher to look after her, sucking on his straw and watching her with a “damn” face. Hee.
She walks through a doorway, just as Luka, not breaking stride, comes through, with Dubenko right beside him, saying, “No, no, no … Seriously … I’m sorry … You’re great, you’d never hurt her …I know that … What was I thinking …” Luka’s paying no attention to him as he looks around the room for Abby. Not seeing her, he turns and walks back through the doorway, heading off in another direction, with Dubenko right on his heels, continuing as if Luka’s hanging on his every word, “But if you did … I would hunt you down like a cheetah …” Hee … Without missing a beat, Dubenko turns to follow a woman in a dress and stilettos that’s sashaying down the hall in the other direction, and says “Hello …” in that “and what have we here” tone … Hee
Luka walks around a corner and stops when he sees something. Camera switches to show us a blubbering Busy sitting on a chair while Abby stands next to her, sporting a concerned, yet amused at the same time, expression. She looks over, spots Luka in the doorway and gives him a lopsided grin. Luka, obviously pleased to have found her, raises his eyebrows at this scene and smiles back at her.
Dubenko is writing on a giant white paper on the wall that is filled with well-wishes for the happy couple, like “Love Never Fails” from someone named “Jason”, “Dear Abby & Luka, We Luv You” that for a second I think is signed “Carter”, because whatever the name is looks like it begins with “C” and has an “r” in it … Shudders … Someone else signed it with a big “WHATEVER”. Nice, I-can’t-make-out-your-name-but-you’re-a-douchebag-to-have-written-that ER Staffer person. Dubenko has written “Dear” and then crossed out a “K” to write “Luka” and underneath, has started to write “I really mean …” Hee … Neela comes up to him and asks if he’s having fun. Dubenko, apparently over Miss Stilettos already, is looking at Neela all merrily moony as he tells her that it’s a lot of fun. He says that he went to a Surgery wedding once and it was such a bore, all they did was “talk, talk, talk”. All giddy as he says it, Dubenko tells her that “ER weddings have … spunk …” Neela, uncomfortable, tells him, “You know, they’re serving coffee right now” … Hee … He asks her if she’s having fun and she gives him a quick “yeah”. Looking only at her lips, he keeps saying that it’s “fun, a lot of …”, then leans in and kisses a wide-eyed in shock Neela. He backs away, looking mighty pleased with himself, and exhales the word “fun”. So now that Abby’s married, maybe he’s thinking Abby’s passed on the pimping business to Neela – or at least left the Facilitator’s number in her old apartment or something … A totally thrown Neela excuses herself, saying that she has to go to the bathroom, and makes a quick exit.
Neela heads off down the hallway, looking back over her shoulder with a “what the hell was that?” look. She starts to say, “I’m looking for …” as she comes upon a leopard-skin sofa where Sam is getting hot and heavy with someone. Hearing Neela, they break apart and we see that Sam has been snarfing … Ross??? Oh, yuck … WTF, Sam? And here I was going to actually compliment you on how nice you were looking tonight – even your hair. But now you just had to go and skeeve me out by getting your geek on, didn’t you? Ewww … Damn, Sam … To go from The Delicious to The Doofus is way beyond a step down – it’s a freefall into the abyss … Ewww … Neela, apologizes for interrupting, but can’t do it without giggling - and really how could she be expected not to? She keeps walking, this time spotting Morris and Busy giving each other mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in the corner. Jeez, Pratt. When you hoped that “some” of what Abby and Luka have would rub off on everyone there, I didn’t think you meant this particular “some” … Bitch … Walking past them, Neela scowls and asks rhetorically, “Has everyone gone bonkers?” Hee. No, Neela. Apparently everyone’s gone bonking …
Lovebite is lost in thought in the Ladies Room when Neela comes in. Neela says “hey” and Lovebite returns it. Neela asks her if she’s alright, and Lovebite explains that she always cries at weddings, adding that she’s alone. Not knowing what to say, Neela just gives her a “Uh … well … it’s alright …” Looking at her intensely, Lovebite tells Neela that she just wants to say how much she appreciates all the mentoring Neela’s done and that she totally admires Neela a lot. Neela’s all blushingly modest. Lovebite then leans in and lays a big smacker, right on Neela’s lips. Woa, woa, woa, what is this? The Ellen DeGeneres show? She lets Neela go and backs away, leaving Neela totally frozen with a hilarious look of shock on her face. Lovebite tells her that she just really wanted her to know that. Neela, who hasn’t moved, finally blinks a little. Lovebite, all happy with herself, repeats, “Really, really know it” and walks out, leaving Neela to curse the writers for passing on Abby’s ER Love Object That Every Man, Woman and Furry Rodent Desires mantel to her and wondering who she can dump it on to … Considering Sam’s pretty much already scraping the bottom of the barrel as it is these days, Neela, I’m thinking you might just have to wait to see if there are any new castmembers next season …
Most likely having just walked past the action on the leopard-skin couch, Malik comes over to sit down next to Frank, telling him that there’s some “freaky stuff going on in here”. Frank thinks that there’s probably something in the water, though given the state of this crowd, Frank, I’m thinking there’s been very little “water” drinking going on … Malik tells him, “Timmy told me that I’m the hottest nurse in the ER” … Hee … Frank looks over at him and asks, “What do you want from me, a second opinion?” … Hee …
McEgo walks up to the bar where an obviously worse-for-wear Ray is sitting, rubbing a glass against his forehead. Because he’s just a hired hand, working on the dreams he planned to try, McEgo orders a dry, dirty martini and a tequila sunrise. He spots Ray and says “Hey, Ray. What’s shakin’?” Ray, slurring his words more than a little bit, asks “Dry and dirty? I should have figured that one out …” McEgo says that he prefers the tequila sunrise because of all the pretty colors. Ray looks him up and down, channels me and says, “Asshole”. Pratt comes up and kids McEgo that he needs to save some liquor for everybody else as McEgo just stares at Ray. Pratt orders another vodka and cranberry. Oh, yum. Order one for me while you’re at it, Pratt. Thanks. McEgo starts sarcastically saying to Ray that he doesn’t know if Ray’s noticed or not, but there’s a party going on right here, a celebration to last throughout the year, so bring your good times, and your laughter, too … McEgo starts making “get along now” sweeping movements as he tells Ray that any time he feels like jumping in, he just needs to get off the little stool. Morris comes up as McEgo tells the bartender to give Ray some hot coffee and to keep it coming, then takes his drinks and starts to head off. Ray’s not finished with him though, saying after him, “You’re a real prick, you know that?” Pratt and Morris look at each other and Morris asks, sotto voce, “Problem?” and Pratt answers, “Not yet, but soon”. McEgo turns back, walks over to Ray, puts his drinks down, leans over and with that cocky smile that I’d so just like to smack off his face, asks Ray, “What’s your damage, Ray?” Ray comes back at him that his “damage” is that McEgo walked “into our ER like you owned the place” and Ray doesn’t appreciate that and doesn’t think anyone else does either. I know I certainly don’t, Ray. McEgo condescendingly tells him that he knows Ray doesn’t like him, but sooner or later, Ray’s going to have to get used to “living with him”, because he “ain’t goin’ nowhere”. Living with him? McEgo’s going to be Ray’s new “roomie”? Does that mean Ray’s going to make him a mix-tape CD, too? Let me suggest some songs then: How about Urge Overkill’s “Bottle of Fur” or The Deftones’ “Around the Fur”? Or They Might Be Giants’ “Why Did You Grow a Beard”? Or Tom Petty’s “Asshole”? Or Elton John’s “Ego”? Or Justin Timberlake’s “Dick in a Box”? Or The Replacements’ “Shut up”? And most definitely, because I’m sure this fuckin’ jerk pisses you off and gets on your nerves as he does me, Ray, “The Rodeo Song” … Ray thinks that if McEgo wants to leave a mess wherever he goes, that’s up to him, but there are “two things that I will not let you screw around with. That is patients’ lives and …”, then stops. McEgo gets in his face, prompting knowingly, “And what, Ray?” Ray turns to him and says matter-of-factly, “And her”. McEgo bitches at him, “Hey, I care about her, you sulky little pissant”. Morris and Pratt come over, trying to get them to stop before this gets any uglier, saying that it’s the wrong time and the wrong place. Ray stands up, coming back at McEgo, “I bet you almost have yourself convinced about that. But the problem is, you’re the only one that buys it”. Pratt tries to get Ray to go for a walk as we see Neela behind them, watching this whole scene. McEgo spots Neela and tells Ray, “You know that thing you guys had in the past? It’s over … finished … done”. Neela tries to stop him, “Tony …” Ray hears her and glances over to see her looking wide-eyed at McEgo before sliding her eyes over to him. Ray tells McEgo, “You don’t know how to take care of her” and goes back to his drink. Neela says, “Ray, please …” McEgo picks up his drinks, turns to Ray and egos with that smack-able smirk, “Well, Ray, at least I’m trying”. As he walks away, Ray says nastily, “That’s right … that’s right … Like you took care of Meg, huh?” Morris turns around with an “Oh, shit” face, then goes up to McEgo, trying to get him to let it go and telling him that Ray’s drunk, but McEgo, glowering, has got other ideas. Pratt tries to pull away Ray, who’s a bit wobbly, but is still staring down McEgo. McEgo tries to pretend for a second that he’s cool, gives it up, tosses the drinks aside and lunges for Ray, banging him into the bar. Ray pushes him off, sending him into a nearby table as Neela screams at them to stop and Morris, Pratt and Malik try to break them apart. Malik and Morris get a hold of McEgo and pull him away as Pratt holds on to Ray. Morris pushes McEgo out of the room as Pratt takes Ray in the other direction, leaving Neela to stand there, not knowing which way to go. Well, at least there were no swords in this triangle-induced jackass jealous pissing contest …
Pratt leads Ray outside and down a fire-escape staircase. Ray tries to get him to let go and tells Pratt that he’s okay. But Pratt’s pissed, and wants to know what Ray’s trying to do, and if he’s trying to ruin it for Abby and Luka. Ray yanks himself away from Pratt, telling him to “get the hell off”. Pratt follows him down the steps, asking him what’s going on with him. Walking away a little, Ray says that he doesn’t think Pratt gets it. In a broken voice Ray says that every time he thinks he’s turning the corner, every time he thinks he knows what he’s doing, “I end up falling backwards again”. Pratt tries to calm him, saying, “Look, it’s a wedding, you’re drunk and you’re hooked on a girl …” and tells him to go home, and that he’ll feel better about it in the morning. Ray doesn’t want to go home, but Pratt’s having none of it, and taking his duty as Best Man seriously, says, “Well, you’re done here”. He tells Ray to just catch a cab. Ray tries to protest, but Pratt tells him again to go home, then heads back inside, leaving Ray to kick himself because he knows Neela’s watching Uncle Jesse with those eyes, and loving him with that body, he just knows it …
McEgo is sitting on the edge of what looks like a wood-surrounded Jacuzzi while Morris is at the sink behind him, bitching at him, “You know what I love about you, Gates? Just when I get worried that maybe I’m being a little tough on you, you do something to prove what an ass you are”, and disgustedly tosses a towel over at him. McEgo’s all with the McInnocence, McProtesting that he was being all civil until that “alcoholic, OC reject went off on me” as he starts to walk away. Morris thinks McEgo should have just kept McWalking. McEgo tells Morris, “As my role model, Kenny Rogers, once said, ‘sometimes you have to fight when you’re a man’ “. Yeah, well he also said “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run”, McEgo. McDickwad. Morris sarcastically thinks, “That’s deep”. Morris calls after him when McEgo spots Neela and starts walking over to her. McEgo tells him not to worry, he’s not going “back in there”. Thank God. Though I would have so loved to have seen Luka issue his sexily superhuman Slavic smackdown on you if you did anything to ruin this night for Abby, McEgo.
Neela is sitting with Chuny when McEgo approaches. Chuny tells him “Not right now, Tony. Can’t you see she’s upset?” He says that he just wants to talk to her, and Neela tells Chuny that it’s alright and thanks her. Chuny heads off and McEgo sits in the seat she just vacated. He tells her, “I’m sorry that happened”. Way to take responsibility there, McBlameTheOtherGuy. Neela’s pissed and tells him that thank God that Abby and Luka were in the other room and don’t even know about what happened. He tells her that there’s no excuse, and she and I wholeheartedly agree with him. He starts with the McExcuses anyway, saying that he wasn’t looking for trouble, but Ray just wouldn’t back down. Neela bitches at him, “Oh right, and there was no other way for that conversation to end without him backing down”. McEgo doesn’t know what she means. Neela angrily tells him that with men, “you have to win”, and with women, “you have to feel like you’ve done right by them”. She goes on forcefully, “Even if all you are doing is causing them pain, or at best, wasting their time”. Oh, you go, Neela! McEgo can’t believe that’s what she thinks he’s doing – wasting her time. Well, duh, McEgo. Don’t you know how the triangles on this show work? I guess not, so Neela explains it to him, getting up, sighing heavily, then saying that she’s thinks that they both got into this because they knew that it had no future – it was just the bridge from one part of their lives into another. McEgo, not accepting that he’s being McDumped, doesn’t think that’s true – he thinks it’s a lot more than that. Neela shakes her head as she tells him in all honesty, “No … I don’t love you. And I don’t think you love me, and I don’t see much chance of that changing any time soon”. Oh, is it my birthday today or something? Because I thought Abby and Luka getting married after all these years was the best present, but this is the icing on the cake … Go Neela … It’s my birthday … Go Neela … McEgo looks at her for a moment, pursing his lips. As he stands he asks, “So that’s it? We’re done?” Neela just looks back at him and says simply, “Yeah”. McEgo McSnots, “Because Ray couldn’t get over you?” Neela, annoyed, scowls and lets out an exasperated “No!” Her eyes are a little teary as she looks up at him and tells him, getting more vehement as she goes, “Because you can stand there as if you’re listening to what I’m saying, and still believe that none of this is your fault”, before striding away from him. YES!!! Thank God … Thank God, Neela … My disdain for your season of freakish fur fascination has just been eradicated by your perfect summation of EXACTLY what’s wrong with McEgo –-- his tremendous … McEgo …
Astrud Gilberto’s version of “Fly Me to the Moon” is playing as the camera pulls away from McEgo … Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars … Shot moves to Chuny, who had been watching his exchange with Neela, then turns back to talk to Usher. So what happened, Chuny - did Usher come up with a better pickup line? … Let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars … Camera keeps pulling back as Chuny and Usher get up to dance. … In other words, hold my hand … Neela approaches the bar and asks the bartender if he’s got any bourbon as she sits on a stool. … In other words, darling, kiss me … She looks over to see Lovebite giving her the eye. Turning back to the bartender, Neela asks, “Can you make it a double?” Hee … Fill my heart with song and let me sing forevermore …
Camera pans to Morris and Busy on the dance floor in the foreground, Luka and Abby dancing in the background … You are all I hope for … Busy asks Morris if he’s okay, and he says he is, he just wishes “that” hadn’t happened. I guess the “that” is the McEgo vs. Ray glaringly gorked grandiose gonad gauging grudge match … All I worship and adore … Busy tells him that he did a really good job tonight, and he corrects her that she’s the one who did an awesome job … In other words, please be true … Busy looks over at Abby and Luka, and as she does, we can see that Morris has had his arm outstretched, holding his camera and filming them this whole time. Hee. Busy’s all down with her gleeful gasping self, saying that “They look so happy”, and they really do … Bitch ... In other words, I love you … Morris tells her that he got them the Honeymoon Suite at the Ritz for a few nights. Oh, that’s nice, Morris. He tells Busy that they said they couldn’t use it on account of MoJo. Yeah, nice, Luka and Abby. Using your kid as an excuse. You know it’s because you just want your first deep moisturizing treatment as husband and wife to be done with your own hair products … Bitch … Since Busy probably doesn’t know about the Hair Salon and Spa, she totally buys the MoJo mitigation. Morris mock seriously says that it’s too bad because he really doesn’t want the room to go to waste. Busy totally plays along and says that she doesn’t either. She smiles at him and he’s all flustered, “R-r-really? You don’t?” … In other words, hold my hand … Busy tells him, “Of course not”. Morris gives her a scrutinizing look as he makes sure that he’s not getting this wrong and asks if she’s saying what he thinks she’s saying. A totally certain Busy replies, “Oh, it’s ‘go’ time” … In other words, darling, kiss me … Morris, kind of shocked that he actually got it right and he and Busy are going to get … busy … takes the camera off of Abby and Luka and instead wants Busy to say it again so he can get it “on record”. She pushes the camera down, chuckling, and hugs him as they laugh …
Morris and Busy move out of frame and the camera closes in on Abby and Luka, gazing at each other and grinning as they dance. She’s grasping each of his shoulders and he has his hands around her waist … Bitch … She says to him, “So, you quit your job and get married in the same week?” He gives her a “that’s right” affirming head tilt and eyebrow raise as he declares, “I’m a new guy now”. Still grinning, Abby asks him, “Is that so?” In a low husky voice, he tells her, “Being Chief was gonna just mean spending less time with my wife and baby”. Awww … Abby smiles at him, then looks down for a moment, contemplating. She sighs, draws her lips in a bit before glancing back up, evidently wanting to say something to him. Smiling as she humbles herself with the confession, “Well, I have to admit … I don’t think I could have planned a better wedding …” Luka smiles broadly at her, with obvious delight that he made her happy, and wanting to hear her admit it again, he murmurs, “You don’t?” She gives a definitive headshake and tells him with absolute certainty, “I don’t”. They smile, beaming adoringly at one another. Luka leans towards her, rests his forehead against hers, and they close their eyes as they stay like that, captivated by each other, swaying to the music, exuding happiness …
Morris sees them and turns the camera their way. Through the Morris cam, we see Abby and Luka, realizing they’re being filmed. Luka shoots Morris a look of disdain, because it seems Morris has absorbed through osmosis Busy’s talent for moment ruining. Abby grins as she raises her hand to block the camera …
As Blondie’s “One Way or Another” plays, the Morris cam records chair-side confessionals of congratulations. Starting with Jane the Intern, played by Sara Gilbert, who was Darlene on Roseanne, who just says, “Abby, it was a really nice wedding”. Shot slides to a serious-faced Dubenko, beside her, who looks straight into the camera and deadpans, “Luka, what I said before about hurting Abby? I meant it”, then raises his eyebrows pointedly. Hee … Morris cam captures a cheerful Lovebite saying, “I’m not really sure why I’m here but I’m very happy to be invited”. Yeah, I’ll just bet you are, Lovebite. She looks around, then leans in and whispers, “I don’t really know these people” as the Morris cam seems to get a one track mind of its own and focuses in on her cleavage. Nice, Morris cam.
One way or another, I’m gonna find ya … Morris, who’s been filming, makes to put the camera down so that Luka and Pratt come into frame, apparently sitting at Abby’s and Luka’s table because her bouquet is there … I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha … Luka shoots him a “what the hell are you doing, Morris” look before getting it and smirking over at a smiling Pratt … One way or another … Luka leans his head down, sticking his tongue out with a sort of gagging face as he mocks banging himself in the head with his right fist. Hee … I’m gonna win ya … Pratt chuckles as Morris pulls up an empty chair to sit on the other side of Luka … I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha …With a resigned countenance, Luka sits up in his chair as they all face the camera … One way or another … A smiling Pratt, with his arm across Luka’s shoulders, says that he and Morris just want to say “Congrats … to our fearless leader here”, as he shakes Luka companionably … I’m gonna see ya … Luka raises his eyebrows and sports a silly “do I really need to be sitting here with these two nitwits when I haven’t given Cranky her lapdance yet?” grin … Not the right Blondie song, but Call Me … Morris chimes in that they wish him “a life of contentment and joy” … I’m gonna meetcha , meetcha, meetcha, meetcha … Luka smiles as Pratt adds “and love” and Morris agrees … One day, maybe next week … Morris then asks Pratt, “and what else?” … I’m gonna meetcha … Morris remembers with an “oh, oh” … I’m gonna meetcha, I’ll meetcha … and says, “Sleeping with only one woman …” … I will drive past your house … Pratt puts in “ever again” and Luka nods at this with an “ah, yes” self-satisfied grin … Bitch … While Luka keeps grinning, Morris deadpans into the camera, “Forever”, setting his mouth, widening his eyes and giving a “what a shame” headshake as Pratt interjects “… without it …” and turns to raise his eyebrows pointedly at the camera. Hee.
… And if the lights are all down … Angelic Curls, at the food table with the cake visible over her left shoulder, tells the Morris cam that everybody’s real nice and “I hope they’ll be real happy together … I do … Even the bride …”. Hee …
… I’ll see who’s arou-ound … Morris cam pans up the cake to focus in on the dark haired plastic bridal couple topper as Blondie fades out and Tom Waits takes over. Man, this is soooo not your night, Tish, seeing as I bet you before this season even started that they would play a Tom Waits song at some point, in some episode. Too bad you didn’t think to make me specify which episode or which Tom Waits song … Sucks for you because it still counts, so just add it to the total … I’ll accept cash, check, money order, Starbucks gift card, or coupon voucher to redeem for yet another of those still-as-yet-to-be-received-lusty-Luka-lapdances … Just saying … The melancholy melody of Tom’s pensive piano playing “The World Keeps Turning” takes us from the cake to the DJ and the party guests dancing it up, making with the merriment … On our anniversary … Angelic Curls is asleep at a table as we see unexciting Carving Station Waiter Guy who must be her caterer dad come over, wake her, then pick her up … There’ll be someone else where you used to be … Caterer Dad carries the snuggling, exhausted Angelic Curls through the room, past a downcast Neela, sitting on a stool at the bar … The world don’t care and yet it clings to me … She pulls Ray’s ridiculously reckless roomie romantic reminiscing CD out of her purse and looks at it, smiling slightly as we finally get a good glimpse of the picture and the “Happy Valentine’s Day” and “Love, Ray” inscription at the bottom. She gets up off the stool and walks away, opening her cell phone to dial … And the moon is gold and silvery …
Ray is downing a glass of the hard stuff at some bar … Who knows where the sidewalk ends … He takes some money out of his pocket to play the bartender … Well, the road will turn and the road will bend … Ray looks dejected, and more than a little drunk, as he gets up off his stool to leave … They always say he marks the sparrow’s fall … His vibrating cell phone goes off, making him realize that he left it on the bar, and he retrieves it … How can anyone believe it all?
Ray exits the bar, staggering a bit as his cell phone continues to ring … Well, the band has stopped playing but we keep dancing … He opens the phone, scoffing and shaking his head as he looks at it … The world keeps turning … As he puts on his jacket, Ray starts to walk into the street, jumping back when the UPS truck that he didn’t see until he almost walked into it whips around the corner in front of him … The world keeps turning …
Neela, on her cell, gets Ray’s voice mail and leaves a message for him to call her when he gets it … The world keeps turning … She tells him that maybe they can go out for breakfast or coffee or something … The world keeps turning … She says, “Listen, I’m sorry about tonight”. She hangs up the phone and turns back towards the main room … The sun is down … We see Abby and Luka sitting at their table, and Morris filming them. Luka is cutely bopping his head along to the music. Hee. Abby makes a “oh, to hell with this” type move, jumps up, takes his hand and pulls him up to dance … And the moon is in the meadow … Neela smiles as she watches everyone on the dance floor … And the world keeps turning …
The world keeps turning … Ray walks out into the street, opening his phone when it beeps … Put a hat on your head … He keeps walking as he looks at the phone, seeing that he has a message from Neela. The time is 1:04 a.m … Will you paint the whole damned town red … Ray starts mirthlessly chuckling, like he’s wondering what possible bullshit excuses she’s going to be laying on him now and doesn’t answer … with me? … Dropping his cell in the process, he bends down to pick it up … Well, the band has stop playing … Straightening up, Ray scowls at something he sees, then his eyes widen as he literally becomes the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, brightness illuminating his face, horn beeping frantically as a truck bears down on him and the screen goes white …
Oh no … Oh my God … not Ray!!! … Is he dead? … No, no, no … Why can’t The Roadkill have been … the roadkill …??? … Oh my God …
As Elvis sings … Take my hand …, we hear Ray’s voice saying happily, “It’s a pretty amazing night …” … Take my whole life, too … White light dissipates to show us Ray, through Morris’ video lens, being filmed earlier in the evening. Oh, man ... How sad … He’s offering his best wishes, saying, “I guess it just makes you look forward to a time when you get to be as happy as Abby and Luka are right now” … Oh, Ray … Behind the camera, Morris tells him he did a good job and that “we gotta go” … For I can’t help … He stops a waiter type and asks if he can “get this for us”. Camera looks down at the floor for a second before moving up to show us Morris running to where all the ER staff is gathered on the makeshift altar … Falling in love … Morris stands next to Busy, turns and smiles at the camera, while behind him we can see Ray giving Moby the devil horns over his chrome dome … Hee … With you … Panning past everyone smiling, cheering, raising glasses high -- Lily, Busy, Ross, Sam – to Abby and Luka, front and center. Luka has his right elbow bent, hand flat against his chest, thumb hooking his lapel, as Abby has both her hands wrapped around his right bicep … Bitch … Luka is looking into the camera and smiling, while Abby is gazing up at him, absolutely beaming, probably because she can’t believe they’re finally actually married, and that she gets to spend the rest of her life boundlessly beholding The Beautiful … Bitch … Shot moves through the rest of the crowd – Dawn, Pratt, Chuny, Dubenko, Neela, Darlene, Lovebite, Usher, with Malik’s and McEgo’s mooning mugs peeking out from behind – toasting Abby and Luka … For I can’t help … Camera starts to pull back, focusing again on Abby and Luka, who are smiling at each other. Grinning, she looks at something off to the right and he follows her gaze, leaning his head in towards hers as they both look off camera, before straightening back up to once again face forward. Pull back further, the entire smiling, animated group now in frame, the happy couple shining and radiant in the center … Falling in love … Everyone joyfully celebrating this lovely, wonderful, perfect affair, such a long time in coming … With … you …
Fade to black …
* Abby gave her own interpretation of a beautiful poem by e.e. cummings:
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
