Monday, April 03, 2006

ER 12.18 Strange Bedfellows

Previously on ER: Pratt introduces himself to Olivia Evans; Pratt and Olivia start tongue dancing as I regurgitate the mushroom and green pepper pizza I had for dinner; Neela tells Ray that she should move out and Ray asks her why, and she responds that she thinks they both know why; Pratt tells Neela that the cops brought in a friend of his a while ago for a blood alcohol level and he drew his own blood and switched the tubes; Luka lays the smackdown on Pratt, telling him that there is little doubt that he will lose his license and then sends Pratt on “vacation”; Armand Assante, aka Mambo Mumbler, tells Sam that he was offering her a job and that she and New Alex are more than welcome to come live with him, and Sam’s all Botox-inducing “Excuse me???”

We hear birds chirping and see Sam, with full eye makeup and pink lipstick on, asleep in a very brightly lit room, so it couldn’t possibly be Luka’s bat cave. And, thank God. Music comes on and we hear Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Trouble Sleeping” play. Sam wakes up and shuts the music off, then lays back down, wanting to go back to sleep, and enjoying the obviously comfortable big bed that she is in.

Huge chandelier hanging over a grand foyer, as a grandfather clock chimes. Sam comes down the steps that are oddly reminiscent of the Carter mansion and I’m wondering why she’s not channeling Kem and like sliding down the banister or across the floor Risky Business style, but I guess Sam doesn’t have that kind of imagination, nor does she have a furry-lipped smitten Carter ogling her, so I guess it explains that restraint. Sam looks around the large, tastefully, though not my taste, decorated house that seems a bit formal and stuffy for Mambo Mumbler. She’s looking quizzically into the living room when we hear Mambo Mumbler mumbling “Good morning, Samantha”, and scaring the bejebus out of her so that she whips around and looks in his direction, saying a little over enthusiastically “Hi!” Mumbler is adjusting his tie as she tells him that she was just going to go wake New Alex, or Newlex, and that he’d sleep for a week if she let him. Mumbler chuckles and says that his boys were the same way, though not his daughter, Kelly, and how he used to tease her about being part rooster, as I once again send a prayer to the television gods for inventing Closed Captioning (CC), or else I would have thought he said “I zoos to taste her for peeing fart looter”. They walk into the living room as Mumbler focuses on a family portrait hanging over the fireplace that judging by the clothes was apparently taken in the ‘80’s because there is something so Family Ties about it. Sam says that three must have been a handful, and that’s a huge understatement, Sam. Especially when two of them are twins, and the third is the reincarnation of Godzilla, or since he’s a toddler, Todzilla, destroying everything in his path. Mumbler says that kids are great, and apparently Mumbler had lots of nannies working for him, or else he wouldn’t be saying this. He adds “especially when they are young” and haven’t “turned on you yet”, and he and Sam chuckle. Looking at the picture, Sam tells him that his wife is beautiful. He says that he has no idea what she was doing with him. Though paunchiness, wrinkles, thinning hair, and low-talking aside, you were quite the looker in the ‘80’s, Mumbler, so I’m thinking I can guess a few ideas. He then says “panther”, but CC says “cancer”, though it really didn’t sound like that. He tells Sam that even towards the end, his wife was something else. He changes the subject, telling her that he has meetings in the city all day and that he’ll be back by six. He says that he’s entertaining guests. Sam asks if he’s going to sing for them. He chuckles and says that it’s just a dinner for the Board of Directors and their “snooty wives”. Getting his stuff together and starting to walk away, Sam tells him that she should check his crit. He says that they’ll do it tonight and that he’s feeling fine. She asks him to at least give a urine sample. He tells her that his pee right now is a lovely shade of salmon and she thinks that’s good, because peachy pinks are her favorite color and she’s hoping to get a handbag to match. He tells her “… like damn water colors in my toilet”, and mine looks like that too, Mumbler, though that’s because of the “pee targets” we put in there for my son to aim for in his potty training. Sam channels Ben Franklin and starts “An ounce of prevention …” and since when has Sam been all partial to proverbs? Mumbler reminds her that there is no cure for MDS (Myelodysplastic Syndrome) and that she can stick him with her needles after he is done entertaining. What is she, Pinhead from Hellraiser? He tells Sam that she should use the car today, but Sam says that they can take the El. Mumbler insists. Sam just looks at him as he says that he’ll have Mrs. Harrison whip up some breakfast for her and Alex. He adds that it’s the most important meal of the day, and I would agree with you Mumbler, except that I found the proportion of my crankiness is directly related to whether or not I had my nightly dose of Ben & Jerry’s, so I think the significance of a sugar high in the evening way outweighs the importance of Cheerios in the morning.

Neela and Abby are coming off the El steps. Baby bump bursting alert! Abby’s certainly popped out a bit since last week, which is exactly what my co-workers would say to me every Monday. Even when I wasn’t pregnant. Catty bitches. She’s wearing the many zippered coat that she’s been sporting for a few eps now, though it’s not nearly as huge on her as it was. Besides being bumpy and lumpy, Abby’s also looking a bit dumpy, frumpy, clumpy and grumpy. I guess that makes her one dwarf short of a fairy tale. And there are so much nicer maternity outfits out there than the turtleneck, jeans and work boots you’re dressed in, Abby. I’m going to suggest you stop shopping in Luka’s closet and make a trip to GapMaternity or maybe A Pea in the Pod. Seeing how good he is in a dressing room, I’m sure Luka will be more than willing to help you try them, and other things, on. Bitch. Abby is telling Neela “Well, they raised Gallant and he turned out okay”, and since she’s talking about Plank, she must be referring to the Tree Farmers who grew him from a sapling into the complete sap he is today. Abby adds “… they can’t be that bad”. Neela thinks they’re great, but it’s just that they’re strangers. Abby asks what they are doing in town, and Neela tells her they are here for a family wedding. Abby asks if she’s going to go, but Neela says that she wouldn’t know a soul and besides, she’s pretty sure she’s more dirty-little-secret than daughter in law. Well, don’t tell anyone, Neela, or you’ll be just another regret. Who has to know?

Morris, in scrubs, is standing next to a cop-looking guy, writing on a chart, as Abby and Neela enter the Ambulance Bay, and we see Luka with a patient on a gurney being loaded in an ambulance behind Morris. Morris snarks “Well, look who it is. Back with the commoners, are we?” Since he’s not mentioning anyone by name, and I know some viewers who think Abby is ER’s “Princess”, anyway, I guess I’ll assume he’s worshipping at her wonderfulness. As Abby walks past him, she stops and comments “Good Lord! What is that???” and makes a grossed out face. Luka asks “what?” as he walks over. Abby, still with the “rotten egg” face, explains “That smell”. She says that it’s really bad and that it smells like … ass. Hee. Neela informs her “You do realize how close we are to the ER?” as Abby starts sniffing near Morris. She looks at him and says “I think it’s you, Morris”, as Luka chuckles and says that the patient they just transferred threw her colostomy bag at him. Hee. Being smacked with shit couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, Morris. Abby groans disgustedly and she, Luka and Neela walk towards the doors as Morris protests that he changed his clothes. Abby recommends a shower to him, as Morris tries to smell himself. They all stop, turn and look at a black Mercedes pulling into the Bay. Sam gets out and closes the door. That driver doesn’t look like the same “John” from the Out On a Limb episode. He also doesn’t make any kind of move to open his own door, let alone Sam’s. Nice, Not-John. I’m sure Mumbler’s paying you for the whole chauffer schmagiggy, so get your lazy ass up off the like-butter leather bucket seat and open the door for the “lady” … in parentheses since we are, you know, talking about Sam here. Morris says “Ohhh … somebody’s got a Sugar Daddy”, and oh, you definitely need to share, Sam, because now I’m so craving one because those little caramel suckers last a looooooong time … and so does the pain from the fillings they pop out of your teeth … good times. Abby asks him “Jealous?” Hee. Sam says “hey” to everyone and walks past them into the hospital as they all grin and watch her. Chuny comes out to tell Morris that “chemo boy pulled his central line” and that he’s bleeding all over Curtain Four. Morris claps his hands and says “Chop, chop. Come on, let’s go” and pointing at Neela says “We earn our money down here” as he starts to hurry inside. I would bitch about how it’s before Opening Credits and Morris is already on my nerves, but since that’s a weekly and a pretty much constant occurrence that he does this, I’ll just have to say “yada yada yada, bitchcakes”, whenever he’s being an ass. Which means, every other sentence. Neela turns back to Abby and Luka and says that she better go before “Stinky” gets mad. Hee.

Luka has his hand on Abby’s back, stops, and tentatively tells her that he’s been trading emails with Carter. Carter has Internet access in the refugee camp in Darfur??? Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Guess he’s got to be able to hook into iTunes so he’s can download the latest Clay Aiken single to his iPod whenever he wants. And though they may have a lack of medical supplies, decent food, shelter or clean water and have to deal with the high probability of getting attacked on a daily basis, at least they can track that groovy Partridge Family lunchbox on eBay, so I guess the situation’s not that dismal. Ridiculous. Abby cocks an eyebrow and says “Really?” and smiling, asks him “Did you tell him about us?” Hee. I like how her first reaction is not to ask how her ex-boyfriend, who is off in a foreign and somewhat dangerous country, is doing, but to ask if her current/previous boyfriend told him about their relationship, and obviously, the fact that they are having a child together. Maybe Abby wants a little payback to Carter for how he blindsided her with pregnant Kem in Touch and Go, not that I could blame her, because that was a total asshat move on Carter’s part. Or maybe she’s just curious about what his reaction would be to know that she’s hooked back up with Luka, seeing as Carter had a not small role in the breakup of their prior relationship. Luka changes the subject by saying “no”, rather quickly. So Luka didn’t tell Carter anything. Interesting. Though I wonder how he would phrase that, especially given how hostile and jealous Carter used to be with Luka about Abby, though they seem to have gotten past all that with the Kisangani kiss and all the Congo camaraderie. Maybe Luka wasn’t sure how to bring it up and was being considerate of Carter’s feelings, seeing as he and Kem lost a baby, and also that Carter was once involved with Abby. Though if I were Luka, or Abby for that matter, I’d be all over channeling Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons and going “Ha ha” to Carter, but then I’m vindictive like that, and it is, you know, Carter, after all. Luka tells Abby that Carter needs help, so I’m guessing Carter’s heard about the Mobile Hair Salon and he put in an emergency call for an appointment, hoping something can be done about his calamitous crew cut. I wonder if Luka’s explanatory emails might look something like this:

************************************************

From: CroatianSensation@iamscrewingyourex.net

To: PuffSmirky@crusadesrus.com

John,

Got your email and while it’s great to hear from you, I’m sorry to hear about the dire dilemma in Darfur. Really wish I could help out, but ever since I knocked Abby over, there’s been little time to concentrate on anything else.

How’s Kem?

Luka

P.S. BTW, about your product request, I think you’d be best off starting with Rogaine, before moving on to any kind of volumizer.

*********************************************

From: PuffSmirky@crusadesrus.com

To: CroatianSensation@iamscrewingyourex.net

Luka,

What do you mean? Did you hit Abby with your car or something? Is she okay?

Kem and I haven’t talked much lately. Ever since she won the BAFTA award, she won’t return any of my calls.

And Rogaine, really? But I’ve heard such great things about the volumizers.

John

***********************************************

From: CroatianSensation@iamscrewingyourex.net

To: PuffSmirky@crusadesrus.com

Well, maybe you should just give Kem some time, John. Sometimes these award wins don’t automatically mean a booming career and she may be grateful to come back and play your loveless love interest … Someday.

And I’m sorry, sometimes I still have trouble with some “Americanisms”. I didn’t mean knocked over, I meant “knocked up” … you know, bun in the oven … in a family way … preggo … so, yeah, we’re having a baby … together.

Trust me on the Rogaine – I’ll send you some samples.

L

***********************************************

From: PuffSmirky@crusadesrus.com

To: CroatianSensation@iamscrewingyourex.net

Wow. Never would have guessed that. Wow. How did that happen? I mean, I know HOW it happened, but why. Well, actually, considering it’s you two, I guess I know WHY it happened, too. So, where did it happen? No, wait, don’t answer that – I really don’t need to know whether Abby’s butterfly-covered sheets from when we were dating were involved in any way. I guess that just leaves - when?

And what happened with Sam?

What’s your opinion on Hair Club? Or should I just let the sides grow as long as I can?

J

*********************************************

From: CroatianSensation@iamscrewingyourex.net

To: PuffSmirky@crusadesrus.com

Sam and I broke it off last summer, thankfully. Then Abby and I just sort of kept bumping into each other … literally … and horizontally. So she’s basically been riding the Croatian caravan of carnality constantly now since last fall. Anyway, seeing as we pretty much couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and plenteous potency is obviously not a problem, the baby’s due in July.

First rule about Hair Club, don’t talk about Hair Club. And toupee glue probably wouldn’t hold up in the Sudanese sun, either. And no on the side-length thing - I don’t think comb-overs are ever a good idea. But don’t worry, I’ll still be sending the styling products I promised. Just remember to massage them into the scalp three times a day to stimulate hair growth.

L

********************************************

Luka says that Carter’s in the Sudan. Abby raises her eyebrows and looks at him intently, trying to figure out where he’s going with this. Shrugging, Luka continues a little nervously that Carter asked him if he would join him, and raises his eyebrows and grins slightly at her in a “what do you think about that?” way. Disbelieving, Abby asks “In Africa?” Luka assures her “I’d be back before the baby’s born”. He’s actually considering it??? Oh … my … God … Luka. You have got to be kidding. After all the angst she went through making the decision to keep this baby, and her saying “I want us to have this baby”, plus all the agonizing over the amnio, the meningitis scare and her telling you how sometimes she is completely terrified, you really think she’s going to be okay with you leaving her alone and pregnant? I think Abby just found her seventh dwarf … because this is certainly Dopey, Luka. And I guess this would explain why he didn’t say anything to Carter, because if he’s seriously thinking about it, I suppose he’d want to tell Carter about Abby and the baby in person, though I’m sure Carter would be shocked that Luka would leave Abby when she was pregnant. Abby nods and looks down, scoffing “Oh, okay”. Clearly remembering the last time when she found out by accident that her boyfriend was going to Africa, because Luka called her, and that Carter apparently wasn’t going to tell her, she wonders if Luka was planning on talking to her about this. He tells her definitively “I am talking to you”. Though I’m a little annoyed with Luka right now because just even bringing this up taps into the clueless factor that he embraces a little too readily sometimes, I do have to point out that he is looking mighty yummy. The Salon’s products are obviously doing you some good, Luka. Your Shampoo Boy treatments seem to be working for Abby, too, because for the past few weeks I haven’t had to bitch about her hair either. Bitch. And maybe she’s afraid your leaving will result in a major hair crisis. And speaking of hair, I once again am missing Susan … and Sherry Stringfield … and her hair. Luka’s wearing a really pale blue shirt with white stripes, which makes me happy that he’s back to the blues, after the foray into the earthtones last week. I don’t remember this particular shade on him before, but it is blue, so this shall now be referred to as “Luka Blue III”. He tells her “Look, if you don’t want me to go …” and Abby cuts him off and says “You don’t need my permission to go”. He explains that the people need help there and that in Carter’s camp alone there are over 60,000 IDP’s being cared for by just a handful of doctors and nurses. Yeah, but don’t forget, they may not have adequate medical care, but they do have Internet access, Luka, and really, come on, which is more important? He starts to say that they have problems with clean water as Abby cuts him off saying “Yeah, I know, I know” and walks a little away from him, muttering bitterly “I know, believe me, between you and Carter, I know”. I wonder what Weaver would have to say about the new head of the ER wanting time off from a department already short Attendings to go play …. with Carter? Doesn’t matter if it’s only for a short time, and it doesn’t matter how the noble reasons, I’m sorry, Luka, there is no way you can justify leaving your new position and leaving your pregnant girlfriend. Abby stops, looking a bit hurt and like she’s trying to process all this, as Luka paces behind her with his hands on his hips. She sighs, then turns back to him and looking a little sad, says earnestly, “If this is something you really feel like you have to do, then you should do it”. She turns and walks into the hospital, leaving Luka to look after her, pouting ponderingly and prettily.

After Opening Credits, a hand knocks on a door. Inside, we see Pratt, in his boxers, throwing on a robe. Since we only seem to be allowed one half-naked male on this show per week and it once again isn’t Luka, I’m more than a little annoyed. Thanks, Pratt. And just a friendly reminder, sit-ups work wonders for the love-handles and beer gut. Ugh. We hear more knocking as a female voice says “Greg?”, and we see Pratt’s clothes, a half-full bottle of wine and two glasses on the kitchen counter. Pratt tells the knocker that he’s coming and to hold on a minute, and keeps walking towards the door and thankfully, closes his robe. He looks through the peephole, then gets an “oh, shit” expression on his face, looking back into the apartment. Spotting a turquoise bra on a lampshade, he rushes over to get rid of it, then pushes the wineglasses, wine and his clothes off the counter. He kicks away a pair of high-heeled shoes, then heads back over to the door. Opening it slightly, he looks out and says “Hey, baby, what are you doing here?” as we see a young woman with straight hair, that it takes me a minute to process is his formerly Afro-headed, non-descript girlfriend, Olivia. Good choice on the straightening, Olivia, because the hair is looking much better, and obviously I am once again “All About the Hair” this episode. She asks him if he’s all right. Pulling his robe closed and fake coughing, Pratt tells her yeah and asks what time it is. She says that she was worried and that she tried his cell phone and she left messages at the hospital. Coughing again, he tells her that he’s sick and that he turned his phone off. She says that she tried him here, too. He asks her what she wants him to do and that he’s sick, and smiling, tells her not to stress him out about it. He’s still keeping the door only partly open. She asks if she can come in and that she’ll make him some tea. Pushing the door closed a little, he tells her that he’s cool, and holds his hand up a little, stopping her from coming in. She looks at him, getting it. Yeah, Pratt so did not take Luka’s admonishment to “don’t enjoy” with his forced time off. He tells her that now is not a good time. Nodding knowingly, she stares at him as he tells her that he will be at work later. She waves her hand, starting to say something, but stops herself and just says “okay” and walks away. He calls after her that they can talk then. He yells her name, but she doesn’t answer. Sighing, he goes back into the apartment.

Chuny, Malik, and Morris, eating a powdered doughnut disgustingly, are all staring at me. What? Do I have something stuck between my teeth? Chuny points and says “That’s it right there … that 600”, as Morris lowers the doughnut to show his powder-caked mouth, and I have just scratched Dunkin’ Donuts off my list of required junk food eating. Thanks, Morris. Yuck. Jerry leans over Morris’ shoulder as Morris acknowledges “Yup … sure is”, and we see a picture of the model car Sam drove up in on a computer screen. Jerry remarks that it’s a $100,000 car. Yikes. And Mumbler let Sam’s skanky ass on the upholstery? Well, considering that this wasn’t the same car, nor driver, that he showed up with to the ER a couple of weeks ago, maybe this is one of his “lower end” vehicles, which would be much more in line with Sam. Neela comments that the car is probably more than that, with the chauffer. Malik’s all “Chauffer? Get outta here”. Frank bitches about whether they are aware that the Daimler-Benz company was a vital cog in the Nazi war machine. Sam walks up and Morris asks “Hey, so who is he?” Sam doesn’t know what he’s talking about so Morris tells her “Your new ‘whale’, Daddy Warbucks”, and I swear to God if Sam starts warbling “the sun’ll come out tomorrow” I really am going to go postal. And Mumbler may be a little paunchy, Morris, but not so blubbery as to earn the “whale” designation. Though the Urban Dictionary tells me that “whale” is a person who spends millions of dollars at hotels and casinos in Vegas. Remember, Mumbler, whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Morris says “spill it, you little gold digger”. Hee. Now I aint sayin you a gold digger, you got needs, you dont want ya dude to smoke but he can't buy weed. Sam pulls a chart from the rack, hands it to him and says “Go kill another patient, Morris”. Morris reads it and yells after her “What, 97 year old lung cancer guy? Yeah, all my fault”.

Frank tells Neela she has a phone call. Neela answers, as Ray eavesdrops in the background. She’s seems glad to hear from the caller and tells them she’ll come and get them because it’s easy to get lost. After she hangs up, Ray asks her if she has a second. She tells him not really, because Plank’s tree farmers … I mean, parents … are here. Though they did “plant the seed”, so it’s not technically untrue. Ray tells her that he hasn’t seen her around. She says that she’s been crazed. At the same time they both say “Listen, I wanted to …”. They both laugh and apologize. She tells him to go ahead. This is all very reminiscent of the scene between Luka and Abby in the Ambulance Bay in Two Ships where they inadvertently decided to be “just friends” after their night together, even down to Ray’s next line starting “Listen … I was just thinking about …” Does this mean what happened between Luka and Abby in the very next episode will happen with Neela and Ray next? Because, ewww. And please don’t make me have to see it. For the gazillionth time, ER writers, shirtless Luka trumps all others. ‘Nuf said. Ray tells her that he was just thinking about the whole roomie situation thing and he wanted to make sure that everything was cool. As they are walking, he says “I mean it is, isn’t it?” as Neela says “Yeah, as far as I know, yeah”. He asks if they need to work on anything, but she says no. She tells him that she’s married now and she should be past sharing a bathroom with his friends and his not-so-occasional one-night stands, as someone pushes a cart close behind her and Ray pulls her out of the way. They then go on walking and he tells her that she’s right and that he’s been totally inconsiderate when it comes to having people over. She says that it’s not just that and he says no, that his clothes are everywhere and dirty dishes, and she chimes in that it’s not just him and that she’s a mess, too, as she pushes the button for the elevator. He assures her that she is not nearly as bad as he is. She tells him that she’s already started looking for a new place. He’s taken aback, and maybe a little hurt, as the elevator dings and we hear Neela’s name. She turns to see Ernie Hudson, aka Winston Zeddmore from Ghostbusters and Sheryl Lee Ralph, who I can only call “Dee” because that was her character’s name on both Moesha and The District. Neela says “Colonel Gallant” so I’m guessing these are Plank’s parents. Winston happily pulls her into a bear hug and says “What did I tell you the last time?” and she says “Right … ‘Dad’”. Ray walks away. Neela says “Mom” and hugs Dee. She starts to introduce her “colleague”, then realizes that Ray’s not there anymore, and explains that he was just there.

Paramedics are bringing in a 17 year old restrained driver and tell Abby he was in an auto vs. parked SUV at high velocity, and we see an unconscious African American kid with his head strapped down. There are two policemen following, including the cop who brought in Darnell on the suspected DUI when Pratt switched the blood vials in Split Decisions, though he’s no longer sporting the Carter-esque buzz-cut he was in that ep. Officer Former Buzz Cut tells Abby that the driver lost it taking a turn too fast. He then comments “Stupid ass … why do they think they can actually get away?” Abby asks if they were chasing him and Officer Former Buzz Cut’s Partner says that he was in a stolen car. Officer Former Buzz Cut says that they found a girl in the back seat and that the driver must have “jacked” it. Sam asks “how you doing, Deshawn?” Okay, where did Sam come from because she just sort of appeared and the fact that she knows that’s his name since no one has said it yet this scene is more than a little annoying. Paramedic tells them that he’s altered, BP 130 over 75, pulse 110. Ray comes over and asks what they have. Abby tells him “blunt head, good vitals, and a passenger coming in behind”. Ray tells her to go ahead, that he’ll take Deshawn.

Abby walks over to the gurney that Malik and Doris the Paramedic are bringing in. Doris tells her that she’s a Jane Doe, found unresponsive in the backseat and that she has multiple abrasions and contusions. Doing a sternum rub, Abby loudly asks Backseat Girl if she can hear her. And Backseat Girl is an awesome song by the punk band Sick Shift. Passing by Neela, Abby tells her that they might need a hand. Neela apologizes to the Planks, and says that she’ll have someone show them to a seating area and that she’ll come get them when she’s done. Winston tells her that he wouldn’t mind observing her “S.O.P.”, and it’s a good thing your son, Plank, can’t see you “observing” Neela’s anything, Winston. Neela tells him “of course” and looks to Dee, who says no and says that she’ll leave the gore to “old blood and guts” and asks where she can get a coffee. Neela directs her to the cafeteria, on the sixth floor, and she and Winston head towards Trauma.

Malik tells Abby “sinus tach on the scope” as Neela and Winston enter. Abby says that the pupils are four millimeters and reactive. Neela introduces Winston to Abby and she tells him “Nice to meet you” and he says “Likewise”, because he doesn’t know better and hasn’t seen Abby in all of her finest Abby-ness yet. Neela asks Winston if he was a medic in Vietnam. He says he was in the 1st Air Cavalry, ’68 to ’72. Neela says “Four tours? Wow”, then snaps on gloves and over-eagerly takes charge, saying loudly “All right. Let’s see what we’ve got here”. Showing off, Neela explains that there is a systematic approach to the trauma patient called ATLS, Advanced Trauma Life Support and that it ensures resuscitation and stabilization in even the most critical of patients, as Malik with his cornrows and Abby with her stethoscope in her ears just stare at her.

Ray calls for trauma panel, c-spine, chest and pelvis on the driver, who is moaning. Morris comes in and goes over to the cops, introducing himself by his full legally changed name, “Dr. Morris, Chief Resident”. Sam tells Deshawn to settle down and that they are trying to help him. Officer Former Buzz Cut’s Partner says that Deshawn must be on meth or something. Sam tells Ray there is a deformity of the 5th metacarpal and he says “Boxer’s fracture”. Morris comments to the police that Deshawn must be a real fighter and Officer Former Buzz Cut says that he took a swing at him. Sam asks if he wants her to check out his split lip, but he says he’s good. Morris orders a liter of NS, throw in a second IV, as Sam says that the BP’s good, 125 over 80 and the pulse ox is 99. She and Ray don lead aprons. Deshawn is still moaning and Ray tells him to calm down. Morris orders a head CT and to get a tox screen. Ray presses on Deshawn’s jaw and says “tenderness to the left mandible” and adds that it looks broken. Morris tells him to get a jaw series, as he goes into Trauma Yellow.

Neela says the airway is patent and asks Abby, who is looking at an x-ray, if the trachea is midline. A little annoyed, Abby responds “yes”. Neela asks “Any JVD?”, and Abby curtly answers “No”, and shoots her a look. Morris asks “where are we, ladies?” as Abby sardonically tells him that they are assessing the nine most immediately life threatening injuries. Winston is watching all this as Neela explains “inadequate airway protection, airway obstruction, tension pneumothorax, flail chest with hypoxia, massive hemothorax”, as Abby gives her a “you have got to be kidding me look” and Morris cuts her off with “yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m sure you’re a big hit at surgical grand rounds”. Neela introduces Morris to Winston. Morris salutes him and tells him it’s a great honor to meet him. Winston asks if Morris was in the service, and Morris says no, “flat feet”. Yada, yada, yada, bitchcakes, Morris. Abby, actually paying attention to the patient, tells them that she doesn’t think Backseat Girl is breathing. Neela pulls the oxygen mask off Backseat Girl and takes her carotid pulse. Malik says that the pulse ox is 88. Neela calls for ambu-bag, intubation tray, 20 of etomidate, 100 of sux, and moves behind Backseat Girl’s head. Neela’s been hanging around Abby too long because she has her hair up in one of Abby’s patented unruly, untidy up-do’s. Neela politely asks Morris if he would please provide inline stabilization of the neck. Abby calls out that the sats are dropping, as Winston watches intently. Neela says that it’s hard to bag her and Morris tells her to take a look. Neela grabs a scope, but she can’t get Backseat Girl’s mouth open because she’s clamped down. She asks Malik if he pushed sux and he says he did. Neela asks if that is a good IV as Winston gets curiouser and curiouser. Malik says it went right through. Neela keeps trying, but says that Backseat Girl is completely spasmed shut and she can’t bag her. Abby heads over to the phone as Morris says to throw in two nasal trumpets. Neela says to start a second line and to push another 150 of sux from a different vial.

Sam tells Deshawn that they are taking him off the board as they try to unstrap and roll him onto the table. She tells him they are trying to make him more comfortable, but he keeps fighting them. Officer Former Buzz Cut yells at him “Lie still, you son of a bitch!” Ray says to get Deshawn on hard restraints. Sam asks if she can give him some morphine, but Ray says that he doesn’t want him to stop breathing. Sam points out that Deshawn has a broken hand and a broken jaw, and that he’s in pain. Deshawn keeps moaning and moving around as Ray says that he’ll splint him. Sam says that he won’t lay still for the head CT, but Ray says he will if she tapes his head down, and that he doesn’t know what Deshawn is on. Sam protests that Deshawn could have a real head injury, Ray agrees saying sarcastically “yup, hence, the CT”. Ray’s trying to shine his penlight in Deshawn’s eyes, but Deshawn keeps pulling his head away. Ray says that if the CT is normal, Deshawn will have time in a jail cell to sober up as Sam just gives him a look. Ray calls for two of versed. Deshawn keeps groaning and fighting them as they try to get the restraints on him. Sam asks the cops that she thought they said the airbag deployed. Officer Former Buzz Cut says it did, and Sam remarks that it’s kind of hard to break your jaw from an airbag. Officer Former Buzz Cut gives her a “what do you want from me?” look.

As she injects something into the IV, Abby says “150 of sux going into the second IV”. Malik says “got your flush”. Neela comments that Backseat Girl should be relaxing. Then she says “Damn, it’s worse, her masseter’s in spasm. It’s like a bloody vise”. Morris asks what about valium, but Neela says it’s too late and asks Abby to bag her, as Winston still watches. Neela says that she’ll prep the neck and calls for the crike tray. Abby tells her to wait and says that maybe it’s the sux. Morris and Neela are all “what?” Abby calls for Pavulon. They all stare at her and more forcefully she says “Six of Pavulon, right now!” Morris protests to her that if the sux isn’t working, it’s … but she cuts him off saying that when she was a nurse that they had a patient that went to the OR for TOA who had the exact same response to sux, and that her jaws were like steel, clamped shut. Neela ignores her and calls for Betadine and a steri-drape. Abby pleads to give the Pavulon a chance to work. Neela calls for an eleven blade, and Abby holds her hand up, saying loudly and forcefully, “Neela, do not cut!” Neela shoots her a look, as Winston eyes all this. Malik says that the sats down to 82. Morris says that they should get Luka, and I’ll be the only one “getting” Luka around her, Morris. Abby moves to Backseat Girl’s head and Neela tells her that if they wait, she’ll have anoxic brain injury. Abby opens Backseat Girl’s mouth easily, saying deliberately “Jaw is slack” and calling for suction. Morris says “Abby Lockhart with the save” as Abby starts to intubate Backseat Girl, and because she has been, Neela looks bitch-slapped. Winston nods approvingly, because I guess the Planks are still a little upset at missing the Manilow, limbo, chili fries and margheritas at Neela’s and Plank’s quickie wedding at Baby Joon’s, so he secretly likes seeing his daughter-in-law taken down a few pegs, or since she’s now a Plank, I guess I should make that “branches”. Neela avoids eye contact with everyone.

Abby, Luka and Morris are walking past Admit and Morris is explaining about Backseat Girl and how they were about to crike her when the Pavulon kicked in. Luka comments masseter spasm after sux and looking at Abby says there was a case report in JEM (Journal of Emergency Medicine) last fall. Abby glances up at him as he tells her “good catch” and she thanks him. Malik hands Abby the Head CT on Backseat Girl, and hands Morris film on the “carjacker”, and Morris thanks him. Luka comes around to the window over the counter in the hallway, as Abby stands on the other side. She reads the report to him “no bleed, no fracture, completely normal”. She hands it to him and asks why Backseat Girl stopped breathing. He says that it’s hard to say and it may be drugs or alcohol, and he disappears from frame as he starts walking back around the other side and Abby keeps walking and talking to him, even though we can’t see him, telling him that they need to get Backseat Girl into an ICU bed and monitor her for hypothermia. That was weird, considering they never really stopped discussing the patient. Why have him walk away from Abby and make that loop past the window in the first place? Strange blocking. They meet up as they start to walk into Trauma Yellow. Luka asks if the police have an ID yet and Abby says no and that they are still working on it as she walks to Backseat Girl’s side. Abby starts saying “hello” loudly to Backseat Girl and rubbing her sternum, asking if she can open her eyes, but there’s no response. Luka’s on the other side and lifts Backseat Girl’s wrist, and tells Abby that she’s still paralyzed from the Pavulon, and says to give her an hour. Abby turns to the monitors and asks the random nurse if she would call RT and tell them to lower the FI O2 to 50, as we see Luka in the background, grabbing the chart. Nurse leaves, and Luka leans back against the wall by the door, looking at the chart. Abby puts on some gloves and sneaks glances over at Luka, debating. Maybe Luka’s retreated into the corner because he’s probably not taking the chance that Abby might start channeling Sam, therefore getting out of the line of fire of any flying objects Abby might be inclined to hurl. Finally, without looking at him, she asks “Have you made a decision yet?” Focused on his clipboard, Luka distractedly replies “About what?”, causing Abby to look at the ceiling, exasperated, then look over at him like “duh, Luka”, as it dawns on him what she’s asking. He tells her “Look, if you really don’t want me to go …”, and she rightfully calls him on this cop-out attempt by saying “No, I know. You said that already and I don’t understand why you are putting this all on me”. Um, probably because as we saw last week, you have his balls, Abby. Though it really is unfair of him and I don’t blame her at all for being put off by that. He looks down and tells her that he already told her that it will only be for a few weeks. She again justly says that he doesn’t know that. She tells him a little flippantly but also with a purposeful undercurrent, “Luka, the last time you went, we thought you died. But instead, you came back with malaria”. Chuny comes in and tells Luka that paramedics are bringing in a patient who’s having chest pain with ST elevation, as Abby shakes her head a little, then turns her attention to Backseat Girl. Luka finishes writing on the chart and tells Chuny to page cards and to put the cath lab on hold, and he’ll be right there. Watching Abby, who is not looking at him, he walks over and asks her cautiously if they can talk about this later. Still not looking at him, she says sort of dismissively “Yeah, sure”. He keeps looking at her, and purses his lips, before laying the chart on the table and walking out. Abby inserts a tube into Backseat Girl’s airway, but looks preoccupied and disappointed.

Morris and Ray are looking at Deshawn’s x-rays. Morris says there is a fifth metacarpal fracture, 30 degrees of angulation. Ray points out non-displaced mandible fracture and there’s no need for surgery. Deshawn starts groaning again, and Ray tells him to take it easy. Don’t let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy, Deshawn. Ray tells him that he broke his jaw, and since he’s not Edward Norton in Fight Club, I really don’t think he did that to himself, Ray. Deshawn looks around and spots the cops staring at him, and tries to get up off the table, but he’s restrained. Morris says that his tox screen was negative and his blood alcohol was zero, so Ray guesses Deshawn was combative because of his concussion, as they move to calm him down. Officer Former Buzz Cut warns Deshawn “Stop eyeballing me, jag off”. I guess Officer Former Buzz Cut didn’t get the memo that they’re allowed to say “jerk off” on the show, now. Though maybe it’s a women-only thing, as Abby, Sam and Cha-Cha seem to be the only ones saying it. Deshawn looks over through the doors at Backseat Girl. Ray asks if he’s worried about her, and Officer Former Buzz Cut says that he’d better be, because if she dies, they’ve got his “ass on felony murder”, and that it’s 25 to life he gets to “spend with his homeys” as Deshawn seems to be ignoring him and keeps staring at Backseat Girl, concerned.

Winston and Neela, with Dee behind, walk out into the Ambulance Bay and he tells her that she has a “hell of a unit”, and again, I’m thinking Plank would not be too happy with you checking out Neela’s “unit” there, Pops. Winston says “good people, especially that Lockhart”, as of course he is embracing the Abby-love also, as every male on this show seems to. Winston’s impressed that Abby worked her way up from a nurse, and Winston shouldn’t be all that excited, because he doesn’t know that Abby could be a pretty shitty nurse sometimes. Winston thinks Neela could learn a lot work under Abby’s command. Hee. Neela starts to correct him, realizes how it will sound, and just agrees with him and says “Yeah … she’s excellent”, though I’m betting Neela’s not so embracing of the Abby-love after getting the Abby-smackdown not long before. And I suppose she thinks it’s not worth it to go into the whole thing that the only one who really reports to Abby is Luka, and usually with his tail … and I guess other things as well … between his legs. Bitch. Winston keeps going on that Neela is lucky because good leadership is half the battle, and Neela is chuckling as I am at the thought of Abby being a good leader to anyone. Dee links arms with Neela and says that she was thinking that if they hurry, they can “do” Michigan Avenue and still have time for “Field’s” down on State. At first I’m a little shocked that Dee would be asking her new daughter-in-law to “do” this kind of stuff, until I realize that she’s referring to “shopping”. Winston bitches that Dee can’t go two days without swiping that credit card. Dee ignores him and tells Neela that they need to get her something nice for “the house”, because obviously the Planks have not yet visited Ray’s hole of an apartment. Dee suggests sheets, because Plank loves soft sheets and when he was a little boy, she used to have to drag him out of their bed, and there’s something so very wrong with that statement. Neela says that it’s not necessary and that they are looking for a new place, though it must really be difficult for Plank to get to the Open Houses from Iraq, though if it’s like in Darfur, he probably has Internet access and can check out the Virtual Tours on Realtor.com. Neela assures her that they got pretty much everything they needed after the wedding. Dee tells her not to be silly and that they’ll find her something at Field’s, and that she can always find something at Field’s, and adds that it will be fun. Winston asks “For who?”, but it really should be “For whom?”, Winston. Dee tells him that he doesn’t have to go with, and that she and Neela can get along just fine without him. Ooh, I’m sensing some tension between the Planks. Maybe Dutch Elm’s Disease? Winston complains that maybe “the girl” doesn’t want to shop, and did Dee ever think of that. Dee thinks their son deserves something nice for the house, and I’m thinking Plank would appreciate some lemon Pledge furniture polish or a good waterproof sealer. Winston snots that “the boy” isn’t even in the house, and I have to point out that there isn’t even “a house”, Winston, since they’re still crashing at Ray’s. Dee wants Winston to explain why that is, why Plank isn’t there with his wife. Winston throws his hands up, shrugging, as Dee leads Neela away.

Paramedics bring in Jim Coker, 82, assault victim, with multiple contusions to the arms and torso, and his BP is 165/100. Sam says that the bruises are nasty as Luka asks Coker what he got hit with. Coker says that it felt like a brick. Luka asks if they got the attacker, as the Paramedic helps an elderly lady walk out of the rig and says “Meet Fredna Nasse, 80. Lacerations to the right palm”. Sam asks “You attacked him?” and Fredna says “Damn right!” and yells after Coker “Cheating bastard!” Hee. Fredna’s feisty. Luka asks her what she hit him with, as Sam helps her to a wheelchair. Fredna tells Luka “An urn. I would have hit him again but the damn thing broke and cut my hand and spilled Wally’s ashes all over everything”. Hee. Sam asks who Wally is, and Fredna says “My husband” and looking up to heaven adds, “God rest his soul”. Hee. I love Fredna already. Sam wants to know if Fredna can wiggle her fingers and Luka tells her to order a hand series. He asks Coker where it hurts, and he says all over, but mostly his chest. Luka asks what the huge ugly purple scar is that is running down Coker’s lily white chest, and Coker tells him that they put a pig valve in his heart 10 years ago, and Fredna snarks “You got a pig head, too, philanderer!” Hee. Could Fredna be main cast, too, please? Sam and Paramedic share a grin as they push Fredna through the doors.

Abby is still trying to get Backseat Girl to open her eyes. Camera focuses on Backseat Girl as vomit starts oozing out of her mouth, around the tube. Nice. Sometimes Laura Innes is a little too in love with the ick factor when she’s directing. Abby spots the ooze and asks Malik for a yankhauer and starts suctioning it out. Malik says the BP is sky high 190/122. Abby calls for an amp of atropine and yells for Morris. Malik says “195/120” and Abby tells him to mix up nipride, then goes into Trauma Green, asking Morris, who’s working with Ray on Deshawn, if he’s seen Neela. Morris tells her that he gave her a few hours off. Ray chimes in that Neela’s with the Planks and asks Abby what’s up. Abby replies “hypertension and bradycardia”. Morris rushes in saying “Cushing reflex, increased pressure in the brain”, but Abby says no, because the CT was clear. Morris checks out Backseat Girl’s eyes and says that the right pupil is slightly bigger. Abby takes a look as Ray says to check her fundi. Abby says that the disc margins are blurry. Ray comes over and says ICP, and asks if it’s a brain bleed. Abby snots “No, I just told you the CT was clear”. Ray tells her that maybe she should repeat it, but Abby bitchily doubts that she bled into her brain in the last five minutes. Morris moves to the phone and says that he’ll call neurosurgery for an ICP monitor. Abby asks where Luka is, and don’t tell me he’s already taken off for Carterland? But no, Malik says he’s in Exam Three. Abby calls for 50 of mannitol and to dial up the nipride, and says she’ll be right back as she snaps off her gloves and heads out.

Luka’s looking at an x-ray and says that the chest is clear and the heart looks good, and Fredna snarks “He doesn’t have a heart”. Hee. Coker complains for her to give it a rest. She bitches that she’s not the one who needs to “give it a rest” and that she was gone two days and “you can’t keep it in your pants?” Fredna’s totally cracking me up. And Coker, who’s really old and pasty, is getting some not only from Fredna, but on the side? Ewww. The whole notion of them bumping uglies is just, well … ugly. Sam leads Fredna away as Coker asks Luka if he cracked a rib, and that the pain is getting worse and it’s getting awful hard to breathe. Luka says that both lungs are up as Sam says that the BP’s dropping, 90/50. Luka tells her to repeat the EKG and chest as he lays Coker’s bed flat and orders 500 cc saline bolus. Fredna, sitting on the next bed and taking out a lipstick, asks sarcastically, “He’s not going to die is he”. Luka says he doesn’t think so. Fredna snarks “Well, if he is, let him”, as she puts on the lipstick. Hee. Sam smiles and asks “You sure you two aren’t married?” Hee. Luka shoots Sam a look as Abby comes into the doorway and asks him if he can take another look at Backseat Girl. He quickly looks up at her, then back at Coker and answers “Not right now. I’m sorry”. He checks Coker’s eyes as Sam says that the systolic’s only 80. Abby walks further into the room telling him that Backseat Girl has elevated ICP and a normal scan. Luka tells Sam to put Coker in Trendelenberg, which is a test to assess hip stability. Thanks, Google. Luka is still not having looking over at Abby. Abby asks if she should repeat the CT. Luka asks if there’s anything pertinent in the history, and finally looks at her. Abby explains that she didn’t get a history because Backseat Girl is intubated and paralyzed. Luka tells her to try to talk with the guy they brought in with her. Abby’s surprised and asks “The carjacker?” Luka tells her that ICP rises with cocaine and amphetamine and she may need phentolamine or a beta blocker. Ooh, don’t know about the beta blockers, Luka, didn’t taking one cause Neela to pass out during her presentation last week? Abby nods and starts to leave. Sam hands Luka a report and says that sat’s only 82. Luka calls out to Abby to try to get a history and he’ll be in as soon as he can. She turns around and nods again before heading out. Luka tells Sam to set up for a bipap and to get an ultrasound and see if there’s any free resident. Fredna, having her hand tended to by a random nurse, is watching him with interest, and I am so with you there, Fredna. She’s probably wondering why she’s with chalky cranky colorless Coker, when there exist such fine specimens as lushly lanky luring Luka. She asks, sounding concerned, “He’s really not okay, is he, Doc?”

Abby bursts into Trauma Green and asks the cops what Deshawn’s name is. She confronts him and asks if Backseat Girl have any medical conditions. Deshawn looks at her, but just keeps groaning and shifting around on the table. Officer Former Buzz Cut tells Abby that Deshawn is not the helpful type, but Abby ignores him and asks Deshawn if Backseat Girl took any drugs. Morris comes in and asks Abby what she’s doing. She tells him that she’s trying to get a history, and that they might have missed something. Morris says that Deshawn can’t talk with a broken jaw. Abby goes to protest, realizes he may be right, and says “Well, okay, fine, then he can write”, and Morris points out that Deshawn has a busted hand. Abby’s not deterred and says he can do it with his good hand. She asks the cops to take off the handcuffs, but Officer Former Buzz Cut doesn’t think so. Deshawn tries to get Abby’s attention, still groaning. Abby says that she’ll take off the hard restraint. Morris asks her if she’s crazy, and duh, Morris, must I once again point out her family history? Morris says that he’s dangerous as Deshawn follows Abby with his eyes. We see Morris, Abby and the cops through the “Deshawn Cam”, but the audio is muffled. We see Abby protesting to the cops, then turning to Deshawn and asking exasperatedly, “Deshawn, did she take any drugs?”, but it comes out sounding like Charlie Brown’s teachers. Deshawn moves around on the table, agitated. On the Deshawn Cam we see Ray come in and respond to someone’s question, but it all sounds like it’s underwater. Camera focuses on Deshawn as the audio comes back on with Abby asking “… think he knows something?” and Officer Former Buzz Cut saying “Like what?” Abby’s getting pissed and yells “Like anything! Take the cuffs off, that girl could die!” as Deshawn stares at Ray, moving his fingers frantically. Ray moves closer to Deshawn as we hear Officer Former Buzz Cut complaining to Abby that Deshawn hit a police officer. Morris’s voice tells her to let them do their jobs and they’ll do theirs. The camera cuts back and forth between Deshawn and Ray. Deshawn is looking at Ray and trying to desperately to communicate something, as we hear Abby bitching that she’s trying to do her job. Deshawn Cam, complete with muffled audio, focuses on Ray, who points at him asking if he signs. Deshawn nods emphatically as we hear Abby saying that Backseat Girl needs help now. Ray quickly moves to the other side of Deshawn and starts taking off the restraint as Officer Former Buzz Cut asks what he’s doing. Ray explains “He’s deaf, okay?” Abby looks over at Morris, who has a really surprised look on his face, which is par for the course with Morris. Ray asks Deshawn if he reads lips, and he nods. Ray asks him if Backseat Girl took any drugs. Deshawn nods and tries signing something with his cuffed left hand, but Ray doesn’t know what it is. Abby grabs the Patient Communication Chart and hands it to him. And in a really bad case of editing, Deshawn’s right hand, that was completely wrapped up just a second before, is now conveniently unwrapped so that he can grip the pen and write. Annoying. He scrawls an “X”. Ray asks if Backseat Girl took “Ecstasy” and Deshawn nods and writes a “G”. Abby watches intently. Ray gets that he means “GHB”, which is Gamma Hydroxy Butyrate, which is Liquid X. Abby rushes towards Trauma Yellow, saying that Backseat Girl’s been frying her brain for twenty minutes, as I inappropriately laugh because I remember the old anti-drug commercial that starts with an egg “This is your brain”, then someone cracks the egg and fries it in a pan “This is your brain on drugs … Any questions?” Deshawn scratches out something that Ray, being a doctor and therefore used to atrocious handwriting, interprets as “Brooke Sawyer”, though it really looks more like “bug humper” and Deshawn nods. Officer Former Buzz Cut tries to excuse himself by saying “Hey, we didn’t know”. Ray bitches that maybe he would have if they weren’t so busy beating on him.

Backseat Girl, aka Brooke Sawyer, is still unconscious as Abby says “that’s 8 of Ativan” and Malik tells her that the systolic is up to 220. Morris says that the head CT is ready, but Abby thinks she might not need it. Morris looks over at Abby and she explains that Backseat Girl’s brain is seizing but the Pavulon has her body paralyzed. Ray says “sub-clinical seizure” and Abby thinks the Ativan should take care of that. Morris complains that if it doesn’t work, she’s going to need a CT. Malik has 500 of Dilantin. Abby tells him to keep going, 50 migs a minute. Morris says that he’s calling neurosurgery and heads over to the phone. Abby protests to him to give it five minutes and that it’s not a bleed. He tells her that if it is, they don’t have five minutes. She insists it’s not a bleed. Morris starts to tell them on the phone that he’s calling from the ER as Abby says that the pressure is coming down, 130/85, and grins. Ray says that the pulse is normalizing and Abby tells Morris to hang up the phone. He says “wrong number” into the phone and hangs it up. Hee. Ray says “nice call” to Abby and asks her what she thinks happened. She says she doesn’t know, and looks back over her shoulder at Deshawn in the other room. Jerry comes in and tells Morris that his broken arm kid’s mom is packing up to go. Morris asks Ray and Abby if they’re good here, and she says dryly, “Yeah, we got it”. Hee. Morris leaves as Ray wants Jerry to ask Frank where their sign interpreter is. Jerry points to himself and says “right here”. Ray just looks at him, so Jerry says “What? I’m trilingual”. Hee. Love how multi-talented they’ve made Jerry out to be … though I guess I should be referring to him as “Father Superior”.

Irritating little boy is in the Curtain Area, bitching about the cast on his arm yelling “I hate this thing!” Why is it white plaster? I thought they had all kinds of funky color ones now and you got to pick? I had an awesome purple one on my leg last year. Morris tries to calm him telling him it’s only for six weeks and then he’ll be as good as new. Irritating Boy thinks six weeks is forever, and it only is when it’s the last six weeks before summer vacation, Irritating. Irritating’s mom says, monotone, “Dickie, quiet down”. Dickie … hee. That kid is so in for it when he gets to Junior High. Morris asks “Dickie” if he can check his cast. Dickie … again, hee. Dickie screams “No, I hate you!” Monotone Mom tells Dickie to stop it, as Dickie squints his eyes at Morris and says “You suck”. Hee. Dickie’s got your number, Morris. Dickie … hee. Morris actually handles this well and ignores it, asking Dickie gently if he has any pain in his fingers. Dickie says sarcastically, “No”. Morris squeezes his fingers and asks “Can you feel this?” Dickie … hee … says “Yeah, can you feel this?” and slams his cast down on Morris’ hand, causing Morris to howl in pain. Monotone Mom just watches, bored. As Morris is jumping up and down, shaking his hand, a woman approaches and introduces herself to him saying she’s Jordan Pryor from Ladokern Pharmaceuticals and asks if she can have a moment of his time, though considering the really tight, low-cut outfit she’s wearing and how strong she’s coming on, I think her name should be Whore-dan. Morris groans and nods at her, then turns back to glare at Dickie. Dickie … hee.

Sam tells Luka that the systolic is down to 75. Luka, doing an ultrasound, curses “Damn it!” and Fredna asks what’s happening. Pratt walks in and says that he heard Luka needed a hand and asks if there’s blood in the belly. Luka says no, it’s clear. Pratt asks “In the heart?”, and Sam replies there’s no cardiac effusion. Pratt says to try with a Doppler. Fredna says contritely that she didn’t mean to hurt him, then adds “not like this”. Pratt’s surprised she did this and Sam tells him it was a “lover’s spat”. Luka says there’s mitral regurgitation through his porcine valve. Pratt looks at the screen and says that it looks like Coker blew it out. Sam adds that he was hypertensive when he came in. Luka says that stress raised his BP and damaged the valve. Pratt orders to page Cariothoracic and hold an OR. Sam says that the BP’s 60/40 and Coker’s not going to make it to the OR. Pratt asks “Afterload reduction?” Luka nods and says dopamine at 10 mikes. Pratt orders 1.25 of Enalopril. He tells Fredna that they are going to fix Coker right up, and not to worry.

Jerry is interpreting for Deshawn, with the cast mysteriously back on, who’s signing that he and Backseat Girl were at an after hours party and he couldn’t wake her up, so he grabbed her and threw her in the car and brought her to the hospital. Ray tells Jerry that the car was stolen. Jerry signs it to Deshawn, who shakes his head and signs that the car was Backseat Girl’s parents’ and she snuck out. Abby asks why Deshawn didn’t stop for the police. Jerry interprets that Deshawn knew that Backseat Girl needed help and he needed to get her here, and he figured he’d explain everything when they got here. Ray wants to know why Deshawn fought with the police. Deshawn says he was fighting back, trying to protect himself, and that the cops don’t sign. He continues that Backseat Girl has gotten drunk before, but never like this, and that he doesn’t drink, he’s an athlete. Jerry says that Deshawn wants to know if Backseat Girl is going to be okay. Abby says that they hope so and that he probably saved her life. Deshawn thanks them, sincerely.

Neela and the Planks are at a restaurant. Dee asks if Neela’s sticking with Surgery. Caught with a mouthful, Neela tries to cover her mouth, and says she’s not sure yet, it’s a big decision. Winston thinks it sounds like a good idea and that Neela will be able to find work anywhere. Neela says that she’s hoping to stay at County, actually. Dee comments that Neela likes working there. Neela never thought she’d say it, but yes, she does. Well, with a view like Luka, Neela, who could blame you? Neela says that she’s grown quite fond of Chicago, too. Winston tells her not to get her heart set because he has a residency set up for Plank when he gets back. I thought Plank had a residency set up at County? But I guess that was before he decided to go back to Iraq, so all bets are off. Winston tells her it’s at Muskogee VA, Oklahoma. Neela doesn’t say anything, just takes a drink, feeling awkward. Dee says that maybe Plank will decide to settle in Chicago. Winston tells Neela not to worry, that the first time’s the hardest, but she’ll get used to it. Neela naively asks, “To what?”, and Winston replies in an “of course” tone, “Relocating”, and that a soldier has to go where they tell him. He says the upside is that you get to see the world. Dee says bitterly, “Bismarck, North Dakota, Barstow, California, Christmas in Anchorage and my all-time favorite, Indian Springs, Nevada. Gorgeous in July”. Winston bitches that he guesses she doesn’t remember when Plank learned to float … I mean “sail” on Lake Como, or how Val’s face lit up when she saw her first ballet in Paris. Winston reminds Dee that she’s had a good life. Neela looks like she’d rather be anywhere but there. Winston asks if Neela and Plank have talked about acorns … I mean “kids” … yet. Neela uncomfortably stammers, “no, not yet”, and looking like she really wishes they’d change the subject.

Malik calls to Abby at Admit from an Exam Room that Backseat Girl is waking up. Abby asks if he checked the NIF and he says he did and it’s 30. Backseat Girl, no longer in the Trauma Room, is agitatedly moving her hands in front of her face, wanting to take the tube out. Malik says that the tidal volume is 30 as Abby rushes over to Backseat Girl, telling her not to do that, and grabbing her hands. She tells Backseat Girl to look at her. She introduces herself and asks Backseat Girl to wiggle her fingers for her. Then she asks her to give a thumbs up sign if she wants Abby to take the tube out. She does. Abby tells her to take a deep breath in, then blow it out, as she removes the tube. Backseat Girl starts gagging and coughing. She tells Abby that her head hurts. Abby orders 1000 of acetaminophen and pulls a stool up next to the bed and sits down. Abby asks if Backseat Girl remembers what happened. She says that they were at a party. Abby tells her that she was in a car accident and that she stopped breathing, and they had to put her on a ventilator. She says that the Ecstasy that Backseat Girl took caused her to have a seizure, and they had to treat her with anti-convulsants. Backseat Girl gets all teary and says “Oh my God”. Abby tells her that she’s very lucky. Backseat Girl spots Deshawn walking in with Jerry. Abby gets up to let Deshawn sit down, but he hangs back a little. He starts signing to Backseat Girl, and tears falling, she signs back. He moves closer, sits down and lays his head on her chest as she strokes his hair. She tells Abby and Jerry that Deshawn likes to feel her heartbeat. Then she says “It’s funny … he’s the only person in my whole life who actually listens to me”, as the camera goes to close-up on Abby, absorbing this.

In an Exam Room, Morris is wrapping up his hand as Whore-dan the Drug Rep is telling him that he would serve on the advisory board, be responsible for recruiting doctors to participate in important clinical trials, and with his residency ending in July, this could be a real opportunity to advance the practice of medicine, as well as his own career. Morris, who didn’t seem to really be listening to her, says that he doesn’t know, and that he’s really not that much of a salesman, as he hangs an x-ray on the board. Then he asks about an expense account. Yada yada yada, bitchcakes, Morris. Whore-dan tells him it’s a generous one. She clarifies that it isn’t a sales position that they are offering him, and that his official title would be Director of Physician Relations. Morris thinks that has a nice ring to it. Yada, yada … oh forget it. Just take for granted that I would type that after ever Morris utterance, okay? Morris looks at the x-ray and Whore-dan asks if there’s anything broken. He says no, it’s just a sprain. He grabs an cold pack and asks her to continue. She says that there are meeting and presentations at major medical centers across the country. She grabs the pack and breaks it across her knee for him, then grabs his hand and holds the pack across it. Morris asks if it would be first class travel. Yyy,b. Flirting mercilessly with him, Whore-dan tells him of course, and quarterly meetings at some very desirable resorts. She tells him best of all is no nights, no weekends, and no exposure to bodily fluids. Well, guess that means no matter how slutty she’s acting, you’re not going to be getting any, Morris. He asks about salary and she tells him that he would start somewhere in the neighborhood of $300,000 a year, plus bonuses, though I’m still guessing the bonuses aren’t going to involve her bodily fluids, no matter how much she comes on to you, Morris. Morris thinks that’s his kind of neighborhood, and they smile at each other.

Luka asks Fredna if she’s sure she wants to wait and that it’s a four hour surgery, as they are moving Coker to the elevator. She says yes and that somebody has to be with him when he wakes up. Pratt gives Coker some sound medical advice – don’t make Fredna mad again. Coker says he can’t help it, he’s a ladies man. Ugh. Guess once you reach a certain age, the pickings become slim, eh, Fredna? Fredna thanks them as the elevator door closes. Pratt immodestly says “Pretty nice save, huh?” Luka tells him good work on a timely diagnosis of a rare condition. Pratt cockily exposits, “Looks like Dr. Pratt is back!” and starts to walk away, but Luka stops him, saying that is something he wanted to talk to him about and starts to walk towards an Exam Room. Pratt asks “what?” and Luka tells him “Your status here” as he opens the door. Pratt follows him saying that he thought his suspension was over. Luka turns around and faces him, saying authoritatively that it was time off so he could think about what he did and so that Luka could think about what to do about it. With his hand on his hip and leaning on the open door, Luka tells Pratt that he was talking to Dr. Carter recently, and Pratt shakes his head like “so what”, and I’m with you there, Pratt, but answers “okay?” Luka tells him that Carter wants him to come help in the Sudan. Pratt says “Oh, you’re leaving?”, probably thinking, “good, I’m off the hook”. Luka says no, but he thinks Pratt could use a change of perspective. Pratt arrogantly says that he thinks his perspective is just fine. Luka tells him that he is going to be an Attending next year and that means all the decisions fall on his head. Pratt shrugs. Luka says that he’s a good doctor, but a month over there will only make him a better one. Say what??? Luka’s sending him to Darfur? To work with Carter? Talk about unjust punishment. Pratt’s all “what?” Luka tells him to get his shots, make sure his passport is current, and “get your hat, it can get really hot out there”. Hee. Luka starts to walk away and Pratt tells him to wait a minute and questions “You’re sending me to Africa???” Uh, duh, Pratt, we’ve already covered this. Do try to keep up. Luka nods, “Yeah, I am”. Pratt asks “And what if my answer is no?”, to which Luka responds definitively, “It’s not a request”, and stares him down before walking away. Does Luka really have the authority to do that – force Pratt to “volunteer” in a ravaged and none-too-safe country? Wouldn’t Luka and County be liable if something happens to Pratt? Though I imagine those Doctors-Without-Borders type organizations make you sign something before you go, saying you’re doing it at your own risk. Wow, I wish I knew earlier that bosses have this type of power. I so would have shipped my most annoying employees to a Third World country … like Nepal or something. I hear Mt. Everest is lovely this time of year. I need to make some calls.

Neela is taking the Planks on a tour of the apartment. Dee asks when she’s planning on moving. Neela says that she’s been looking for a place, but it’s been a bit of a challenge with her schedule and with Plank being gone. Winston comments on there only being one bathroom and that it must get hard with a roommate. Neela tries to make it seem like not such a big deal by saying that they manage and that they work different shifts most of the time. Really, Neela? Then how were you able to watch all the ‘70’s horror flicks with Ray and blow off working on your conference presentation if you work “different shifts”? Winston asks “So he’s not really here much?” Dee tells him to cut it out and that they are just roommates. Winston bitches that it’s not Neela, but he doesn’t know the boy. And I am so wishing that Ray would show up, just so Winston can flashback to Ghostbusters and say something like “Ray, when someone asks if you're a God, you say "Yes"!” and then they could all enjoy some Stay-Puft marshmallows. Good times. Dee asks Neela if she can use the phone, and Neela says she can use the one in her room. Dee heads back, leaving Neela and Winston alone. Neela goes to fill the kettle, and Winston apologizes for the way he and Dee have been acting. Neela tells him he doesn’t need to and that couples bicker, but Winston thinks they past “bicker” years ago. Neela assures him that it’s nothing, really, and he should hear her parents. She asks if there is anything she can get him. Winston doesn’t answer for a second, then looks at her and tells her that he and Dee are separating. Neela’s surprised and asks if Plank knows. Winston says that he doesn’t, nobody does. They decided to come to the wedding and put on a good show for the family, before they “dropped the bomb”, and they’d like to tell Plank themselves, and asks her if she wouldn’t mind, “keep it in the vault?”

Abby is presenting an unconscious patient to Luka in an Exam Room. Purposely avoiding eye contact, she says that he’s a 36 year old with Epididymitis, which is an inflammation of the epididymis, the tubular structure that connects the testicle with the vas deferens. Thanks, Medline Plus. Abby says that he doesn’t need ultrasound, it’s not torsion. Luka asks if there is any STD risk and Abby replies dryly “Of course … he’s male”. Luka glances at her, but ignores the barb, and asks if she gave him levofloxacin. Abby says she already wrote the scrip, and Luka signs off on the chart and hands it back to her. She says that’s all, and smiling quickly and dismissively, thanks him and starts to walk out, but he stops her saying “Abby, we … we need to finish our talk”. She says, “No, we don’t actually, ‘cause you know what? I understand’. He tries to protest “No, you don’t”, but she tries to assure him that she does. He starts to say “No, listen” but she cuts him off saying “No, you listen”, then apologizes, holding up her left hand to stop him, and placing the other over her heart. She tells him stammering and gesturing her hands nervously, “I just … I … I’m … you know what? I know that we’re not married …”. Then she starts whispering the words, apparently not because she wants to keep her voice down because of the unconscious patient, but more like that saying all these things out loud is really difficult for her, “and, um … and we don’t live together … and we haven’t really defined our relationship ...”. The words are just tumbling out, like she has to get them off her chest and she can’t contain them, “… and I know that that’s mostly … probably all, uh … because of me … but you looked at me and said that we were going to do this together …”. Luka just watches her and listens intently, sitting down on the bed. Abby continues, rambling feelingly and having a hard time looking at him as she does, “… and I know that you’ll be back before the baby’s born, but I just … hate that you want to go … and I hate that I hate that you want to go … but I’m just a little bit scared, Luka … and, um, I don’t want to do this by myself”. Abby is clearly emotional and really letting him see her vulnerability, which is a huge thing for her. She’s also seems to be trying hard not to cry, keeping the tears at bay. She goes on attempting to sound convincing “But if I have to, I … I can” and a bit more decisively “I will”. Luka finally decides to let her off the hook and declares “I’m sending Pratt”. Abby stops and tries to react to this abrupt switch in gears, and looking at him quizzically asks “To help me with the baby?” HA!!! That was really funny. Luka looks at her adorably, grinning a little, amused, and clarifies “To Darfur”, then stuttering, lies and says quickly, hoping she won’t ask him about it, “He – he – he … he … volunteered. Long story”. Abby wipes her eye, brushes her hair off her face, then looks at him and tentatively, but hopefully, says “So you’re staying”. Grinning slightly, he nods “Mm hmm”. She glances away for a second, then looks down a little shyly, saying “Oh good. That’s good”, smiling and chuckling, relieved and obviously pleased. He chuckles, too. She plays with her hair a little, which is probably their signal to each other about wanting another round of Hairdresser and Shampoo Boy, then looking at him and trying to contain a smile, says “Well, I’ll see you tonight”. Also looking like he wants to break out in a smile, because he’s looking forward to some lather, rinse, repeating, too, Luka replies “Yeah” quietly, and looks down. Abby turns like she’s going to leave, but doesn’t take her eyes off him. Then changing her mind, almost like she can’t help herself, she walks over to him, takes his face in her hands and kisses him, passionately. Bitch. She snakes her arms around his neck, and he reaches over and pulls the curtain closed, thus depriving me again of any possibility of seeing me some naked Luka. Damn. And, bitch. Very nice scene. Although it seemed in the beginning of the ep that Abby was going to react the way she always does whenever confronted with a situation she doesn’t like or can’t control and just shut down, she instead responded very honestly and very vulnerably, letting Luka know her feelings. She was actually very sweet, telling him that even though she doesn’t want to, she could manage without him, if he really feels he needs to do this, knowing that because they’ve never set any boundaries for their relationship, she couldn’t ask him to stay. Though her taking responsibility for that, while nice to see, is also not exactly true, considering she tried to get him to help her clarify it in If Not Now when she said “We don’t even know what we are to each other”. Putting his needs ahead of her own is a pretty sure sign that this is much more than just “good friends” who have “been through a lot together” to her. I love how once she interrupted him, Luka doesn’t try to say anything again, but let’s her say what he seems to recognize that she needs to get out, and also maybe because he wants and needs to hear it from her himself. I also love his little smile before he tells her, acknowledging that he knows something she doesn’t, that he had already decided to stay, and also that he understands what she was trying to say, because like Deshawn, he really is that one person in her life who actually does listen to her. He got it, without her yet saying it, that she wanted him to stay. Luka seems pretty comfortable with his decision, so I’m guessing he’s not too upset about not going, because it is after all, you know, Carter, and he’ll be getting the help he needs anyway, and Luka gets to stay. And Carter might actually appreciate that it’s Pratt, seeing as they have the same haircut, whereas he may have felt a bit inferior to Luka’s superior hair … and pretty much Luka’s superiority everywhere else for that matter. And if the intention is for the relationship between Luka and Abby to really be “all about the baby”, then someone needs to tell these two to ratchet down the meaningful looks … and the lip-locks … and the time in the Hair Salon … And, bitch.

Newlex, looking a lot like Damien from The Omen in some prep-school looking uniform, is sitting in Chairs and wiping some change off a table into his hand when we hear Luka say “hey, man”. Newlex, still sporting the unflattering 80’s ‘do he was in Out On a Limb lifelessly drones “hey” back, as Luka sits next to him. Luka asks him what’s up with the suit “You getting married?” Ugh, Luka. I was already nauseated from the flashback clip of Pratt and Olivia’s tongue wrestling, so I’m not appreciating the thought of Son of Sam actually wedding some unsuspecting girl … though I guess Luka never did specify a gender … Newlex mumbles that it’s his new school uniform. Luka grabs some change out of his pocket and hands it to Newlex. He asks Newlex how he likes it and Newlex sighs “it’s school”. I’m guessing Newlex is disappointed since going to prep school pretty much knocks his dreams of Nascar off the table, though I do know plenty of preppies whose current careers include the phrase “Do you want fries with that?”, so don’t stop aspiring to mediocrity, Newlex. Newlex tells Luka that their new house is “sweet”, as he heads over to the snack machine. Luka asks surprised “Oh, you moved?” and Newlex tells him to Kenilworth. Last week Sam was complaining about being behind on her rent because of Newlex’ after-school tutoring, and here he is going to a new and obviously expensive school and Luka doesn’t bat an eye, yet he gets all interested when he finds out they moved? What’s up with that? Newlex tells him that he should see it and it’s like a museum, it’s so big. Newlex’ snack gets stuck, so Luka comes over and like the Fonz, bangs the machine with his elbow and the snack falls through the slot. You’re so cool, Luka. The girls already drool. Now, get a motorcycle, slick back your hair, don a leather jacket, gives the thumbs up and say “Heeeey”, and the image will be complete. Luka asks when they moved and Newlex says when his mom started working for Mr. Elliott, aka Mambo Mumbler. Newlex says that it’s Mumbler’s house, but it’s got an indoor pool and a movie theater. Cool. Are you still hiring, Mumbler? Throw in popcorn and SnoCaps with that movie theater and I’ll check your crit, whatever that is, and stick you with needles, too. Since Newlex is all impressed by this and actually looking animated because he’s living in a material world and he is a material girl … I mean “boy” … Luka gives him a sort of “wow” face as Sam approaches. She asks Newlex if he’s ready and says “hey” to Luka. Smiling, he tells her that he didn’t know that they had moved. She says yeah and that her boss needs chelation therapy every night, and again, Mumbler, I can do that for you, too, as long as the Milk Duds are included. Just saying. Sam explains that room and board, and apparently prep school tuition and Jujyfruits, are part of the deal. That on top of the Sugar Daddies and I’d be in nostalgic candy heaven, Mumbler. Luka follows them out into the Ambulance Bay, calling after them. Newlex says “See you later, Luka” and heads over to the car, where the chauffer actually decided to earn his money and opens the door. About time. Jackass. Luka unnecessarily asks Sam “So, uh, do you guys live there now?” Duh, Luka. I know that American colloquial expressions sometimes go over your head, but I’m sure even you know what “room and board” means. Again, cute but clueless. Sam says they do and Luka thinks that’s a big change. So, are you jealous here or something, Luka? Seeing as you just finished getting the Salon treatment from Abby, I’m thinking that it’s not about Sam, but maybe that you’re envious of them moving from the bat cave to the multiplex. Sam explains that it was either take the job offer or double up on her shifts here, and even that wouldn’t pay her as much money. Wow, Mumbler must really be doling out the dough. Seriously, Mumbler, my three kids combined aren’t nearly as psycho as Newlex, if you overlook the predilection to chanting the name of Pokemon characters or watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 24/7. They’re even fluent in Spanish, if the conversation is limited to crayon colors and the days of the week. Luka acknowledges the car and asks if it’s part of the deal, too. Sam smiles and says “I guess”. Noticing his concern, she reassures him, “We’re good, Luka … really” and touches his arm before she gets in the car. Watch it, Sam. I’m not that crazy about you to begin with, so hands off the honey before I do you some serious damage. And I’d be a bit afraid of Abby and her huffy hellacious hormones from hell, too. Luka closes the door, waves at them, and watches them drive away.

Dee is sitting on Neela’s bed looking like she’s crying as Neela knocks on the door saying “Mrs. Gallant? Is everything okay?” Neela comes in and closes the door behind her. She asks if Dee is all right. Dee waves her hand and nods as Neela cautiously approaches her, asking if she can get her anything. Dee says no and thanks her. She turns to Neela and says “He told you, didn’t he?” Neela says she’s sorry. So is Dee. Neela sits down on the bed and Dee tells her that she’s a very sweet girl, and she sees why Plank fell in love with her. She says she can tell Neela loves Plank, too. Really? ‘Cause I’m still not buying all that “we’re so much in love and have to get married right away” nonsense, and I still think they really don’t know each other at all. Neela says she does, very much. Yeah, just keep telling yourself that Wood is Good, Neela. Dee thinks that’s good. She says that she wishes that love was always enough. Crying, she says that God knows she loves Winston, and throwing up her hands says “but here I am”. Neela tells her that Plank always talked about what good timber merchants … I mean “parents” … Winston and Dee were. She says to Dee that maybe there’s still a chance to … but Dee cuts in, asking Neela if she has any idea why Plank went back to Iraq. Um, maybe they were running low on fire wood? Neela shakes her head and says “not exactly”. She says that she guesses he felt like he was needed there, and that he has a strong sense of duty. Dee holds up her finger like “aha!” and says “duty”. She tells Neela that for years she has sacrificed and compromised, moving from one sorry little town to the next, all because of “duty”. She says that Plank’s his father’s son, because you know, the leaf doesn’t fall far from the tree, or something like that. Dee says that they are soldiers and no matter how much you love them, there is always some other war. Because Neela is sometimes not too swift on the uptake, she is not sure what Dee is trying to tell her. Dee says that a strong marriage is about two people and that Plank is a good man, and he’s kind, loving, generous, and provides good shade, but she says that if staying at County and here in Chicago is something that Neela wants to do, then she should do it, and “never let anybody or anything make you ever forget who you are”. Wow, it really is powerful for a mother-in-law to say this to her daughter-in-law – not wanting her to have the same kind of life. Kind of reminds me of the story I heard of how my dad’s sisters tried to talk my mom out of marrying my dad, because they thought she was really nice and he’s such a difficult person. I, of course, took the opposite tact with my sisters-in-law, because it was really an accident of birth that I’m related to my brothers, but they were the dumb-asses who chose to marry them, which is a source of great amusement to me. Neela looks really affected by the conversation, probably because she realizes just what she got into by leaping too quickly into this marriage.

Sam is settling herself on a settee with a beer and a magazine that looks like Architectural Digest, because apparently Sam always had a thing for Mike Brady, as a middle-aged bouffant-ed woman dress in what looks like a maid’s uniform comes running in and asks her to come quickly.

Piano jazz music is playing and candles are lit all over as we see all the beautiful people mingling and hobnobbing in Mumbler’s living room as waiters pass around hors d'oeuvres and drinks. Camera focuses in on Mumbler, sitting in chair away from the party with his fist to his mouth. Sam and Bouffant come rushing over, and Bouffant comments that Mumbler’s awake and that she couldn’t get him to open his eyes. He assures them that he’s fine and tells Bouffant to go make sure they don’t ruin the duck, as Sam takes his pulse. Bouffant protests, but he insists because he has 20 people waiting. Bouffant leaves and Sam checks Mumbler’s eyes. She tells him that he might want to think about cancelling his dinner. He bitches that this transfusion is supposed to last three weeks. She tells him not this time and that he needs blood, and he does look pretty bad, though that may be due to the paunchiness and therefore is unintentional. He complains that a transfusion will take three hours and he has guests. Sam tells him that he needs to get on some oxygen at least. He tells her that it’s out of the question, and asks her how he’ll be able to sing with a tube up his nose. Well, considering most lead singers with bad coke habits don’t seem to have a problem doing this, I really don’t see what you’re bitching about, Mumbler. Sam tells him that this is serious and that he’s obviously anemic right now. He says that he’ll be done by 9:00 and she can transfuse him then. Sam tells him pointedly that he hired her to take care of him and if he’s not going to let her do her job, then she doesn’t know what she’s doing there. Well, apparently enjoying the film screenings and concessions, Sam. Duh. He arrogantly tells her that what she is doing there is she is working for him. Sam retorts that maybe she shouldn’t be. He raises his eyebrows and agrees “Maybe not”. And if you are going to continue working there, Sam, you might as well ask him to throw in some Botox treatments, which you are much assuredly going to need if you keep scowling like that.

Ray comes in to Backseat Girl’s room and tells her that her parents are sending some paperwork for her transfer because they want her at the highfalutin hospital in the suburbs. He takes down her IV and lays it on the gurney next to her as she rolls her eyes and says that it sounds like them, and Deshawn stands at her side, stroking her hair. Ray tells Deshawn that they were finally able to get a hold of his father and that he should be there soon. Rich, uptight looking couple walks over, so they must be Backseat Girl’s parents. Mrs. Backseat Girl says that she called their doctor and he’s going to meet them at St. Helen’s and they wheel Backseat Girl away from Deshawn, as they hold up the “I Love You” sign to each other. An older cop comes over and says that they checked it out, as Jerry interprets, and that they guess her parents were out of town and came home early, saw the car gone and called it in, as we see Officer Former Buzz Cut and Partner, hanging around in the background. Older Cop says that the parents thought Backseat Girl was at a friend’s. He beckons to the other officers and says “My guys here have something they want to say to you”. Officer Former Buzz Cut apologizes, though not real sincerely, for the misunderstanding and they thought he was flashing gang signs at them. Wouldn’t inner city cops know what gang signs look like? Stupid. Officer Former Buzz Cut’s Partner chimes in that they had no idea Deshawn was … and Officer Former Buzz Cut says that they’re really sorry. I am so sure that this will float when Deshawn sues your asses, and the City of Chicago for police harassment, especially considering you broke his jaw, Officer Former Buzz Cut. Moron. Deshawn gets Jerry to translate that he has a special sign for them … then proceeds to give them the universal sign everyone knows – the finger. Hee. Jerry adds that he thinks that requires no translation.

Ray is signing off his charts to Morris saying that GYN has a bed that they can’t take the PID for two hours. Morris asks if Ray got a chance to meet the Gallants, but Ray says that he must have missed them. Morris thinks it’s better that way, and that it would have been weird. Ray asks why and Morris replies “Why do you think?” Morris tells him that he doesn’t know how he does it, but Ray still doesn’t understand. Morris says that “Every girl I’ve ever slept with won’t give me the time of day”, and boy, am I surprised at that, Morris. Idiot. Frank snarks, “Neither one of them? I’m shocked”, and that would be funny, Frank if your count weren’t over by two. Morris thinks it must have been freaky for Ray to be at the wedding. Ray still doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Morris explains, “You know, you and Neela, the whole roommates-with-benefits thing”, and you must have gotten the gossip wrong, Morris, because according to some ER viewers I know, that description is reserved for Abby and Luka. Ray can’t believe that Morris thinks he slept with Neela. Morris disbelievingly says “You didn’t?” and Ray says “no”. Morris shrugs and says that he just assumed and Frank chimes in that everybody did. Well, I didn’t, Frank. I think Neela has got better taste. Ray asks “Everybody did?” and Morris says “pretty much”, but tells him not to sweat it because it’s just a rumor.

Pratt walks up to Admit and Frank hands him an envelope saying that Luka left it for him. Pratt asks what it is and Frank says “Looks like you’re heading back to the motherland”. Detroit? Isn’t that where Pratt lived for a while? Pratt tells him that he better be careful, because he’s having a very bad day, as we hear a female voice say “Maybe you woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” as Pratt turns around to see Olivia standing there. Hee. He goes over to her and says that they should go talk somewhere. She asks about what? He says “What do you mean ‘what about?’ About us”. She thinks that’s a very short conversation. He tells her to come on as Olivia asks “Who was she?” Pratt tries to insist she was nobody and says that he’s sorry, and reaches out to her, but she pulls away. He tells her that he said he was sorry. She said she heard him, but wants him to explain why he did it. Unbelievably, because Pratt knows even less about women than he does about keeping fit, he tells her that they never talked about being monogamous. Olivia says that they never said anything about not being monogamous. She tells him that all he had to do was be straight with her. He says that he never meant to hurt her. She tells him that he played her and that he acted like they were in a committed relationship and if he really thought it was cool for him to sleep around, he wouldn’t have had his sorry ass at the door playing like you were sick. Even though I’m sure this is the last we will be seeing you, Olivia, and it’s really no big loss seeing as your role was pretty unexceptional to begin with, I just have to say … you go, girl! Pratt says that he likes her and he was not trying to mislead her but he just thought that … but she jumps in that he didn’t think … though I think he was, Olivia, just not with the part of the anatomy that he’s supposed to. Frank interrupts to tell Pratt give Pratt a message that he got a phone call from L’Alliance de Medecins and that they got his number from Luka. Pratt says for Frank to tell them to hold on. He tells Olivia that he really can’t do this right now and she asks why not. He bitches that his boss is making him go to Africa, that’s why. Olivia doesn’t believe him and shaking her head says “You just never stop, do you?” and starts to walk away. He tries to get her to come back saying that he’s not lying to her, but she keeps walking.

Mambo Mumbler appears in a doorway, dragging an oxygen tank and tells Sam that she was right and that feels much better with the oxygen. Sitting on the settee and looking like she’s doing bills, she asks him if it affected his singing voice. He says that he didn’t wear it for the party, and saunters into the room. He tells her that he stayed in his chair and never got up, and that he did much more listening than talking. Sam snarks that she was beginning to think he didn’t know how to do that, and they both start chuckling. And like he’s ordering a club sandwich, he tells her that if she’s ready, he’ll take his blood now. Weird. He smiles at her, and turns to walk out, as she grins and nods, contemplating him. There is a certain kind of curious chemistry between these two, I still find the dynamic between Sam and Mambo Mumbler to be a bit creepy. And I guess their ‘shipper name would be “Sambo”.

Neela is in her bedroom packing, as Ray comes in the apartment door with a pizza, calling out to her. She tells him she’s in the bedroom and he says that he brought her a peace offering, and that it has extra anchovies. Yuck. An anchovy here and there is fine, but “extra” is just a bit too much. He promises no more dirty dishes. Neela zips up her suitcase and tells him that she’s going to go stay at Abby’s for a while, and that she’s at Luka’s most of the time. Yeah, she is. When are they just going to get the moving in thing over with? Oh, but this scene is about Ray and Neela angst, not Luka and Abby angst … so we rejoin the scene, already in progress … Ray asks if she’s moving out tonight. Neela doesn’t answer this but tells him that she’ll get to the post office when she can and get her mail forwarded. Ray wants her to at least wait until she finds a new place. Neela doesn’t think that’s such a good idea. Ray starts to stay something, then stops, and tells her “Yeah, you’re probably right” as Cary Brothers’ wonderful song Ride starts playing in the background. Looking at her kind of sweetly, Ray says “Hey, um, ‘all good things’, right?” Uh oh … this is bad …and a bit horrifying … I’m starting to actually like Ray … and I’m beginning to embrace the idea of him and Neela … Reela … Damn. Can’t one of his smelly ex-bandmates show up to knock me out of my reverie and allow me once again to hug the hate? From the way they are staring at each other, I’m really hoping for your sake that there aren’t any chainsaws in Iraq, Plank. He says quietly that they sure had a lot of fun though. Neela hitches her luggage strap over her shoulder, grins at him, and starts towards the doorway where he’s standing. Trying to look on the bright side, he tells her that maybe the next guy won’t drink all of his tequila, and they chuckle. He asks her if she needs a hand with anything, as she picks up her other suitcase. She says no and thanks him. As she is about to squeeze past him, he asks if she wants some pizza, and looking down she tells him no and that she better get going. Still not looking at him, she hands him a rolled up t-shirt. He chuckles and says that he’s been looking for it for months and she says that she rather liked sleeping in it, as they stand very close to each other, him looking at her and her looking down. He starts to lean in towards her, and still not looking at him she says that she’ll get the rest of her stuff tomorrow and brushes past him.

Cary Brothers keeps singing as a Cab Driver is loading Neela’s stuff into the trunk. Ray calls out to her, and rushes up, still carrying the t-shirt. He tells her “Look … just … would you just wait one second, please?” She looks at him closely and a little anxiously, as he nervously tells her that he wishes he didn’t feel how he feels. Then he tells her emotionally that she is the best friend he ever had She doesn’t know how to respond to this. He tries to give her back the t-shirt, asking her to “keep this”, but she just opens the door to the cab and gets in. He watches as the taxi drives away, sadly. … And what’s even more sad is … yeah, it’s official … I’m liking them together. Shit.

No new ER until the end of April, which is like Spring Break for me, and I’m thinking a Girls Gone Wild trip to Daytona Beach is just what I need to prepare for the return of naked Luka … which the writers damn well better reward me with soon, because I’ve waited long enough and my patience, like Carter’s hair, is wearing thin. Just saying. Though with the way my luck has been lately, and the fact that it was shirtless Ray last week and pantless Pratt in this ep, I’m half expecting that we’ll be subjected to murky Morris and his unsightly udders on the next new show. Ewww.

34 Comments:

At 12:48 AM, April 04, 2006, Blogger Reina Borg said...

I laught out loud for 20 minutes after I read you thought Jugde Dread said “I zoos to taste her for peeing fart looter”. HEHEHEHE
You made my day.
Thank you very much for your recaps and your good humour.

Elizabeth

 
At 1:03 AM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny, as always! I loved Abby's "one dwarf short of a fairy tale." I do think Morris was talking to Neela when he said something about associating with the "commoners" - as if surgery is a more exalted elective (and maybe it is - my best friend's husband is a surgeon and he reminds me of Benton). And I was waiting for you to snark on the whole T-shirt exchange between Neela & Ray. Why was she wearing another man's shirt to sleep in when her husband was away? Especially 'cuz they're newlyweds. Weird. Here's wishing you some naked Luka when ER returns as a reward for the fun I have reading your recaps. Enjoy the break!

 
At 2:03 AM, April 04, 2006, Blogger Andy said...

Just wanted to say I love your recaps and that I can't help but laugh on every single one of them. I guess we should all relax a while during this ER break (I would rather have none) though I'm with you I'm looking forward for some naked Luka! No extra nipples from Stinky Plz!

 
At 2:55 AM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my! That exchange of emails between "croatiansensation" and "puffsmirky" was absolutely hilarious!

Thank you for making me laugh so much!

 
At 10:44 AM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous rv said...

I knew you'd have something to say about Luka and the vending machine as soon as I saw it. The email exchange was an added bonus this week and had me laughing out loud.

 
At 12:39 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent as usual. I always look forward to your recaps - the 'e-mails' were a particular highlight this time. Have a nice 'spring break' and keep up the good work. :)

 
At 4:21 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What are you, entirely stupid? Aid workers in ravaged regions around the world have at least some phone and internet access. It's needed in order to keep up with the news and make quicks changes in plans if the situation is getting too dangerous, roads are getting closed, rebels are nearby or whatnot. Lots of these workers have blogs on the internet and routinely document their experiences in regions like Chad, Sudan, Iraq , Rwanda, and others.

I realize you seem to have no interests or concerns outside of propping a character as repulsive as Luka and dedicating too many hours a day to these ridiculous drool fests. But I promise it doesn't hurt that much to learn something about the world. There are real atrocities being committed in the world and even though they may be shown or heard about in the context of a television show, being stupidly sarcastic and disagreeable for the sake of being assy and inserting yet another comment about naked Luka or his loins or who he's humping is offensive.

I was unforunate enough to land here while looking for a quick recap of a show I missed and saw much more than I ever needed to. You would think there are too many important things in life to waste so much time on something as dumb and insignificant as maintaining this blog but I guess not. Don't worry, you don't have to worry about me. I won't be back.

 
At 5:29 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cranky, dont worry about the previous comment! She probably hasnt been laid in years! Sorry- couldnt resist.

Anyway, CroatianSensation@iamscrewingyourex.net!!! I laughed so hard, I actually might have peed just a little in my pants! Man, your good.

 
At 6:28 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And we were unfortunate enough to have to read that post. For those of us who take these recaps in the fun they are intended, hats off to you.

 
At 6:32 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Wild Corgi said...

I about died laughing at the emails.

One dwarf short of a fairy tale cracked me up - especially since Dopey wandered through some paragraphs later.

And I loved your Indignant Serious and Concerned Troll parody in the comm - Oh, wait, that was for real? I feel called to channel Nelson Muntz myself.

 
At 7:43 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again....the recap was hilarious and WELL worth the wait! Spring Break??? What exactly do you do for a living??

 
At 8:24 PM, April 04, 2006, Blogger CrankyRecaps said...

I don't know, it may be just me, but I find it kind of funny that someone would come to a blog called "Cranky Recaps" and be told in the first sentence that it's all about the bitching, yet still expect the show to be taken seriously ... And as a point of clarification, I happen to work for a foundation that funds aid organizations worldwide, so I do know that they have email, seeing as we provided some of them with the means for Internet access, and I am in email contact with them on a weekly basis. So I thank you for your concern about my apparent lack of knowledge of current events, and also for your worry about my worry about whether you'll be back reading.

 
At 8:39 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm so sure that Cranky was worried about whether Psycho-poster would be back or not!! Don't let him/her bring you down Cranky, we love your recaps!!!

 
At 9:09 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well someone was being stupidly disagreeable but I don't think it was Ms Cranky. How tiresome - unlike the recap. The email exchange was genius.

 
At 11:16 PM, April 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great recap once again, let me tell you that I look forward to reading it every week. Appreciate the time and effort and the humor, it is indeed a pleasure. Now I can't go away without defending your and our male star of this show, or else I would just explode inside. First I think its very generous of you to spend some of your free time to provide the world with a little entertainment (I am a mom too, full time job, etc.) and very little time for much else, so hatts off to you, secondly anyone calls Luka repulsive must be off their meds, or totally blind, and finally anyone that claims that land in the boards by mistake looking for a recap of the show is lying with all their teeth. Better stop now.
I will be back here again and again, and to make something clear some of the people that read these recaps are good caring people who care about the world, me included even have sponsor a child in Africa. Sorry for rambling.

 
At 3:45 AM, April 05, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So writing a recap that is enjoyed by many ER fans is a waste of time, yet spamming multiple boards and blogs with ridiculous anti-GV/Luka vitriol is somehow not.

What. the Fuck. Ever.

Love the recap, Ms Cranky!

 
At 5:10 AM, April 05, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just come across your site and i absolutely love it. Your comments are hilarious. The emails and the seventh dwarf Dopey had me laughing out loud for ages.
I also just read the recap on the alternate phone call, when Abby gets her amio test results. That was absolutely hysterical.
Just think how many more hours of laughter i have to come catching up on all of your past recaps.
Thank you so much for the laughs.

 
At 8:37 AM, April 05, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

can't stop laughing ... can even see both Luka and Carter' faces when reading their e-mails!!!
usually people working for NGO's when arriving have at least one night in a 4 or 5* hotel. Not to mention that they don't generally working 7/7 and use their time to go "somewhere else". Am pretty sure they've got efficient communications 'cause they've got to also keep in touch with the HQ for any probs (incl. the workers family members).
Got a suggestion for you: if you miss so much naked Luka why don't you buy a pen with a naked woman and replace it with Luka's naked pic ?
how am I going to survive without your recap for so long ???
can't read your next recap!!!

 
At 11:29 AM, April 05, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually found myself wondering, whether Linda Cardellini uses Botox or not. LMAO. It has crossed my mind before, because if she doesn't, she has an amazingly good skin.

The recap was great. I love someone who has an ability to be sarcastic, but doesn't overdo it. Enjoy your break!

 
At 3:01 PM, April 05, 2006, Anonymous Dosia said...

Great recap :D I love yours sense of humour and yours comments ^^ I'm still laughing, youur brilliant :D

 
At 3:29 PM, April 05, 2006, Anonymous Chandra said...

I like how people come and leave nasty comments anonymously. Not. Grow a pair.

NEway... THANK YOU SO MUCH! I needed the ER fix!

 
At 11:39 PM, April 05, 2006, Blogger The Firth Five said...

I know... Ray and Neela. I'm on board.
I've always had a soft spot for Shane West when he was on Once and Again...
Thanks for the recap. I love reading them!

 
At 12:05 AM, April 06, 2006, Anonymous AW said...

Ms "Entirely Stupid" said: "I was unforunate enough to land here while looking for a quick recap of a show I missed."

LMAO over that one. What, you mean the same episode that you've been spouting about on other boards? And with all the board surfing you do, you've never heard these recaps mentioned before?

Yeah, right.

Enjoy your break, Cranky!

 
At 1:36 PM, April 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that stupid girl/boy was through a maniac/depressive episode like Maggie's ... or "on a bulimia high" as Abby said.

Wonderful the exchange of emails ... I ended up crying for so much laugh.
I always say that I really appreciatte your effort to make this recaps, especially considering you're a full time mom with a full time job.
Your recaps always bring me the fun and entertainment I need at the end of the day, and I'm always looking forward for them. ;)

 
At 2:43 PM, April 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're amazing and so are your recaps!
you deserve for your bitching and crankyness some holiday!!
and HAPPY EASTER !

 
At 10:14 AM, April 07, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

can't get enough of your recaps!
keeps me giggly day 'n night!!

 
At 2:45 PM, April 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The "email exchange" was brilliant, hilarious, better than any of the writing in the actual episode--keep it coming!

Now as to the "Extremely Stupid" rant: as far as I'm concerned, neither Cranky Recapper nor Abby "props" that "repulsive" (just makes me shiver!) Luka nearly enough. Abby "justly" sulks because another boyfried fails to intuit her jealousy of needy Africans? Would it kill her to suggest she might be worried about his safety in Darfur because she has some intrinsic affection for him and not just because he's supposed to take care of her and the baby? (BTW there are many pregnant women who allow their SO to travel on business, or work abroad, or even serve in combat without stressing out--although clearly every woman is different and each couple is entitled to work out their own terms.) I agree that Abby's made progress in voicing her own needs, which is all to the good, but I certainly hope the writers speed up her progress toward feelings like empathy and sympathy so I can continue to root for her relationship with the object of our mutual "drooling"!

 
At 7:47 PM, April 11, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the recap. I'm a big Neela and Ray ... can't for the next epi.

 
At 4:21 PM, April 14, 2006, Anonymous ERluver said...

Hey, your recaps are great! They really do my day and even though I read them before I see the epi (Latin American), I enjoy them a lot. You're such a wonderful story-teller!!! And your sense is humour is incredible. Keep on with this, it's really great!!!

 
At 8:55 AM, April 15, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your recaps are great, but your true brilliance comes through in the parody bits--the alternative amnio phone call, the email exchange. Any chance you can work in a parody of the embittered viewer who watches the show obsessively, but only in order to fuel her hatred of it and arm herself for attacks on fanboards? Think about it: there could be some good material there.

 
At 4:20 PM, April 21, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious! think was just as amused at stroppy abby-like women giving said comment above!
u should publish!

 
At 4:21 PM, April 21, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I mean her, not u!

 
At 5:14 AM, April 26, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Cranky,
how will you handle the quadruple dose of Luka nakedness that we're granted this coming Thursday ?
just curious ...
can't wait to both:
see the show and read you, not necessarely in that order :O)))))

 
At 3:35 PM, May 14, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was laughing so hard at the emails.... "I knocked Abby over" .... just LOL!!!!

Thanks so much for your recaps, they make my day!

 

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