Sunday, May 07, 2006

ER 12.19 No Place To Hide

Previously on ER: Morris bitches at Jessica Albright, Surgical Chief Resident, aka Snotty Surgeon, to “Change the orders” and she retorts “This means war, you know”; Pratt explains to his non-descript, basically non-girlfriend, Olivia from Ceasefire, that they never talked about being monogamous and she comes back at him that they never said anything about not being monogamous; Weaver complains to Abby that surgery is going to take away her crutch, and then who will she be?; Pratt can’t believe that Luka is sending him to Africa; Victor Clemente, aka John Leguizamo, aka Chi-Chi Rodriguez from To Wong Foo wants to know how Bobby, who looks a more dirtbag-gy version of Michael Douglas as Gordon Gecko in Wall Street, the husband of Chi-Chi’s girlfriend Jodie, who reminds me of Cha-Cha DiGregorio, the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s with the worst reputation from Grease, how he got into Chi-Chi’s apartment and Gecko says that he has lots of experience getting into “dumps like this”; Gecko drives by Chi-Chi in front of the hospital and sticks his hand out the window of the car, pretending with his fingers that he has a gun and shooting, while Chi-Chi looks concerned.

Chi-Chi is sitting at the desk in the hallway in the darkened ER. I guess since Luka’s taken over as Chief he likes to keep all his domains lit by 15 watt bulbs, like his bat cave. Chi-Chi is calling Cha-Cha on his cell phone and leaves a message on her answering machine telling her that he knows it’s late and that she’s probably asleep, but he’s just calling to say “hi”, as the door opens behind him and a middle-aged janitor comes in with a mop and bucket and starts cleaning the floor. Chi-Chi looks over at him, then turns and gets out of the chair, walking away to get some privacy as he leaves the message. He says that the Board is a mess and that work is the usual, as he runs his hand through his hair and glances back at the custodian and mutters “bunch of lowlifes”. Yeah, look who’s talking, Chi-Chi. Speaking like he is actually talking to her, he says that he doesn’t know when he’s going to get out, then adds that he heard they got six inches of snow, and laughs because it’s April, as we can still see the guy mopping the floor behind him. He says that he’ll call her tomorrow, adding “I love you”, then “bye”. He hangs up, sticks the phone in his pocket, and continues walking down the hall. Looking like he forgot something, he snaps his fingers and turns back. He looks down the hallway, surprised, as the Droning Dirge of Demented Doctors plays and we see the bucket with the mop in it, but no janitor. Chi-Chi looks around for a second, then starts drinking out of a coffee cup that seems to have magically appeared in his hand. How cool would that be? My Starbucks addiction would be a hell of a lot less expensive if I could conveniently conjure up the cappuccino at will. I wonder if it would work for chocolate, too? The Lugubrious Lament of Loony Latinos continues as Chi-Chi again walks towards Admit. A voice calls him “Dr. Clemente?” He turns and we see Jane, aka Sara Gilbert, aka Darlene Connor from Roseanne, who like all the other apparently non-existent Interns at this hospital, has not been seen all season. Besides evidently evoking espresso expeditiously, Chi-Chi can also momentarily materialize missing medicos. Darlene holds up an x-ray envelope and tells him “Lateral decubitus on the coin ingestion”. Chi-Chi comes closer to her, staring, as she starts to say that “Dr. Lockhart” which took me a moment to realize who she meant since everyone always calls Abby “Abby”, told her that he could be discharged after … when Chi-Chi interrupts and asks, sort of paranoid, who she is. I’m surprised you don’t recognize her, Chi-Chi. I know they switched Becky’s mid-way through the Roseanne run, but Darlene was there. She says that she’s Jane, and that she’s an intern. Chi-Chi wants to know why he’s never seen her before. Well, obviously you don’t watch enough TV, Chi-Chi, or you would know who she is. She smirks and says that she doesn’t know and that she mostly works nights. Hee. Yeah, Nick at Nite‘s. I guess that’s how they are going to explain her absence, not that she left to go make that horrible sitcom with Melanie Griffith and Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers for The WB. And could she really only be scheduled for night work as an Intern? Chi-Chi protests that he works nights, but Darlene doesn’t answer and just asks him if he wants to see the x-rays. So that’s all the explanation there is? Annoying. What a nutty ER exchange. Chi-Chi takes the envelope from her and walks away, past Chuny, who is sorting drugs on a cart. She tells him that she thought he was gone two hours ago. He tells her that he’s a dedicated guy, and takes the x-rays out to look at them. Smiling, Chuny asks him if he wants to help her stock some shelves and he’s all “What?”, and grins at her as she walks away. Jerry comes up as Chi-Chi looks at the x-rays and tells him that Pratt is on the phone for him on Line 2. Chi-Chi bitches under his breath that “it’s about time” and picks up the phone. He tells Pratt that there’s a patient there named Ottley that Pratt promised Vicodin. Switch to Pratt in his apartment, packing. He tells Chi-Chi that the guy came in with a migraine. Oh, sorry, Ottley … I totally feel your pain on that one. Pratt says that he resolved it with Imitrex and that he told Ottley he would give him some Vicodin in case the pain came back. Chi-Chi thinks the guy’s a drug seeker, but Pratt tells him to write the guy the scrip. Chi-Chi, kind of wistfully, tells Pratt that he was thinking the other day about the time that they talked on the roof, which was like eight episodes ago so Chi-Chi must be totally hard-up for friends. Pratt asks him “What the hell’s the matter with you?” Hee. Then he asks if Cha-Cha is okay, and Chi-Chi says that she’s great, it’s just that her ex, Gecko, keeps sending weird sympathy cards, as he pulls one out of the pocket of his lab coat, which is conveniently there where he happened to come read the x-rays Jane handed him. What is this voodoo … that you do … so well, Chi-Chi. He opens up the card and pulls out a sandwich bag full of dead goldfish. I’d go back to the store that sold them to you, Chi-Chi, because, you know, they’re supposed to put water in the bag they scoop them out of the tank into when you buy them. Pratt’s all “what?” as he tries to put a huge bottle of mouthwash into a toiletry bag. Chi-Chi asks what Pratt thinks Gecko is trying to tell him, and if it’s the whole “sleeps with the fishes thing”, and I wouldn’t be worried about that if I were you, Chi-Chi, though Luka might want to be, since that was the first name of the dead guy that line refers to from The Godfather. Pratt thinks Chi-Chi should give Mr. Ottley his drugs, then go home and get some sleep. Rubbing his hand over his face, Chi-Chi agrees with him and thanks him. He tells Pratt to have fun in “the motherland”, and that wasn’t funny when Frank said it last episode either, Chi-Chi. Pratt hangs the phone up. As he does, he notices a pair of dangling earrings on the table and because he’s always had a secret thing for Rupaul, picks them up and eyes them dreamily.

Chi-Chi writes out a scrip and hands it to a really nerdy-looking guy with glasses, who must be Ottley. Ottley reads it and questions why it’s only written for two Vicodin. He starts to protest that Dr. Pratt said … when Chi-Chi fixes him with the “I-know-what-your-drug-seeking-ass-is-doing-and-that-shit-don’t-fly-with-me” stare-down. Ottley whines about what he does if his migraine comes back. Chi-Chi condescendingly tells him to take those and then call his regular doctor in the morning, then asks snidely if Ottley has any more questions. Chi-Chi definitely seems to be coming a bit unhinged, ‘cause there ain’t no way this Poindexter is a junkie … though it would be a clever disguise … hmmm … any room in the Perplexingly Paranoid Palace, Chi-Chi? This is going to be a crazy Storm to watch brewing. Chi-Chi gives him one last glare before walking out. He walks over to Admit and asks Jerry what else he’s got for him. Jerry thinks that it’s possibly the slowest night on record, and says that he’s out of there, as he puts on his coat. Chi-Chi tells him to hang on and that he’ll go with him. Jerry gives him a “whatever” look.

Chi-Chi and Jerry, with coats on, exit into the Ambulance Bay. Chi-Chi asks if Jerry wants to go to Ike’s and grab a beer. Jerry says apologetically that he would be he’s actually waiting on a friend to pick him up. Chi-Chi says that his friend can join them. Jerry explains that it’s actually a friend of the “female variety”, as Chi-Chi looks around, scanning the Ambulance Bay. Chi-Chi gets it and Jerry says “next time”. Chi-Chi reluctantly says that he’ll be going then and Jerry wishes him a good night as Chi-Chi moves off. The Histrionic Hymn of Haywire Healers hammers in the background as Chi-Chi walks glancing worriedly around him, hearing people, who seem to be standing in the shadows, laughing. He walks out into the eerily deserted street. He starts walking faster down the sidewalk as we hear footsteps behind him, and he looks even more anxious. He stops and stands in a corner to the side of a window display, waiting for his follower to catch up. He pounces on the guy and grabs him, saying menacingly “You want to take me on, you little prick!” and shoves him up against the wall, as we see that it’s Ottley, looking shocked and scared. Realizing who it is, Chi-Chi let’s go and Ottley hurries away as Chi-Chi looks concerned about what he just did. Why am I getting the sinking feeling that the “trouble in Newark” that’s been referred to all season isn’t about Chi-Chi’s penchant for skanky “crack” ‘ho’s, but instead has something to do with him going nutso and having a nervous breakdown?

After Opening Credits, Weaver is lying on a table in a Physical Therapy room, having her left leg bent like Beckham. I’m coveting her Adidas sneakers, they look really comfy. PT Guy, who’s sporting the Paul Walker floppy haircut from Pleasantville, though with a Herman Munster-esque face, seems pleased with her progress, and she smiles, kind of proud of herself. He tells her “Happy Graduation Day”. I’m not seeing any tasseled hat and gown, nor hearing Pomp and Circumstance, so I’m guessing he’s referring to her leaving rehab. And Weaver’s wearing Abby’s patented messy up-do, so I guess since they’re such great friends now, what with Abby being Henry’s back-up guardian and all, they can share hairdo’s. Though, please, not clothes, Weaver. Abby’s maternity wear seems to consist of whatever she finds in Luka’s closet that’s not blue, work boots, and the many-zippered-though-not-nearly-as-big-as-it-was-since-she’s-bustin’-out-all-over coat. And I’m liking the red faux-layered v-neck you’ve got on now, Kerry, so please, just say no Abby’s atrocious attire. Herman asks if she’s looking forward to getting back to work, and she replies that she’s been back for about a week, keeping up with her paperwork, as she puts on her black sweat jacket. He walks over and picks up her cane, telling her as he hands it to her that “here’s one thing you don’t have to keep up with anymore”, and smiles, a little creepily, as I notice that Weaver is still wearing a wedding ring. And Herman is wearing Luka Blue. Watch it, Herman. That color is not to be squandered on a no-name-never-to-be-seen-again-glorified-extra such as yourself. Weaver, with a very satisfied look as she takes the cane, thanks him, and he touches her shoulder and tells her ”abdominal bracing, ten reps a day”, which sounds kind of kinky, though if the abdomen were Luka’s, I’d be all over the bracing. Just saying. Weaver grins and nods.

Luka is meeting an ambulance, but looking off at someone, smiling and shrugging, looking like he’s just been laughing about something, and not paying attention to the paramedics who are bringing in Lenore Bee, 43, who fell ten feet from a second story window while cleaning. Aha! I’ve been trying to tell my husband for years that cleaning is hazardous to your health, and here’s proof! Thanks, Lenore. Lenore has her head strapped to the gurney and asks agitated and nervous if they’re here and what are they doing? Luka asks “What happened to the 12 year old?” as Morris comes over, all dressed up and we see Abby come into view on the other side of the gurney, which explains who Luka was smiling at. Luka looks over at another ambulance coming in as Abby asks Morris “why are you wearing …” as he interjects, preening “A Prada suit?”, then glances at Luka, who’s oblivious to Morris’ presence, before quickly adding “No reason”. Lenore asks if Morris is a doctor, and adds “I want him”, because obviously her fall has resulted in some serious brain damage because no one in there right mind would choose Morris, or even look at him, when Luka is standing less than a foot away. Lenore’s loony. Loon-ore. Luka hands Morris the chart and heads over to the other ambulance as Morris introduces himself to Loon-ore. Abby and her ponytail are already getting the bullet from Pickman the Paramedic when Luka comes over about the 12 year old MVC complaining of tenderness over the sternum. Abby asks the girl what her name is and she says “Ruthie Pooler”. A Sheriff’s van pulls into the Ambulance Bay and Luka eyes it warily. He asks Abby if she’s got this and she says yeah, and he heads over. We hear a dog’s bark coming from inside the rig, and Pickman tells Abby “Oh, and you get to have this too” as the camera closes in on some kind of half-Dalmatian-looking mutt behind Ruthie. Abby shoots Pickman this really funny “wha???” look as Pickman adds that she recommends a face mask because the “damn mutt farted all the way here”, as Abby looks off in the direction Luka went, probably sorry she said she had this, then jumps as the dog startles her by barking again. Hee.

Luka, in Luka Blue II today, is walking with the sheriff, who is filling him in about their transport saying that he has abdominal pain and a low grade fever and that the Prison Doc was worried about appendicitis and wanted to get a surgical consult. Sheriff thinks the guy seems fine and opens up the van to reveal Steve Curtis, Sam’s ex. And again, not Cole Hauser/Steve that I could kind of understand Sam’s attraction to, but Sleazy Steve, that I so cannot. Sleaze looks up and says “Kovac … nice to see you again”, as Luka purses his lips deliciously … I mean, disapprovingly.

Mutt is sitting on Ruthie’s bed as Abby is examining her, while Chuny writes stuff on the chart. Ruthie says “You didn’t need to come in her, Grandma” as we see Diane Ladd, who has been wonderful in everything I’ve seen her in, and who I loved with her big hair and trashy wardrobe as John Travolta’s mother, Mamma Stanton, in Primary Colors, which Maura Tierney was in, too. Mamma coughs and responds that of course she needed to. Abby is shining a penlight in Ruthie’s eyes, and Ruthie tells her that her eyes don’t hurt. Abby explains that she’s checking for signs of head trauma. Ruthie says that she was only going like two miles an hour. Abby, surprised, asks “You were driving?” Abby looks over at Mamma and smirking, flippantly questions “Did you know about that?” Mamma, looking a little sheepish, starts to answer, but Ruthie asks Abby if she told her family everything she did when she was 12. Hee. Considering her family is Manic Maggie and the Wildly Wacky Wyzenski’s, I’m going to take a shot in the dark that she didn’t. Abby narrows her eyes at the keen kid, who looks remarkably like a cross between a young Marcia Gay-Harden and Lucy from Peanuts, if they had double ponytails sticking out of their heads, that is. Abby seems a bit taken with this kid so maybe she’s hoping since she and Marcia shared a funny drunken scene, and just about the only funny scene, in Welcome to Mooseport, that Ruthie can channel her older counterpart and they could pound some Irish whisky and play golf indoors in the Exam Room. Good times. Mamma tells Abby that she did not know. Mini Marcia tells Mamma that she wanted to pick up her prescriptions and still get to school before first period. Abby tilts Mini Marcia’s head towards her so that she can examine her eyes and asks “What about your parents?” Mamma explains that Mini Marcia’s mom and dad died when she was six months old. Yikes. Sorry, Mini Marcia, that sucks. And Mamma’s wearing a funky cap ala Rudy from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. Mini Marcia corrects her that she was about a year. Chuny says “I’m sorry”, and Mini Marcia says that she would be too, if she could remember. Attempting to inject some brevity into the situation, Mutt farts. Everybody exchanges looks, then Mini Marcia and Mamma laugh. Mamma says that “Bob” is a “regular old wind tunnel this morning”. Abby tells Mini Marcia that they are going to have to keep her there for a while for observation. Mini Marcia addresses her grandmother and says, looking over at Abby “maybe Dr. … Lockhart can ask you about your cough”, Abby chuckles and says “Sure, we can check that out”. Chuny asks “What about the dog?” and Mamma says that she thinks it’s his diet. Hee. Abby corrects her that he can’t be there, even temporarily, and asks if there is someplace they can keep him. Mamma worriedly shakes her head, and Chuny asks if she should call the SPCA. Mamma gets a little upset and Mini Marcia calmly explains to Chuny that Bob is 13 years old and sounding way older than her years, which seems to tickle Abby for some reason, “don’t get me wrong, I support the SPCA, but they take him, I’m stuck here a day or two and for some reason my Grandma can’t get him out, they may put him down”. Then she definitively adds, “So if Bob goes, I go with him”, as Abby looks over at her.

In Trauma Green, Darlene asks Morris if he’s sure he doesn’t want a lab coat, and he gives her a dismissive smirk, as Haleh singsongs “He’ll be sorr-y”. Hee. Now I’m totally anticipating some bodily fluid dumpage on the new suit. Morris asks Loon-ore if she lost consciousness and she loonily tells him “No, Dr. Archie” and that she remembers everything. Talking really fast she says that she was cleaning her windows and then next thing she knew … bam! … she fell right out of the window, and right smack dab into the middle of her geraniums as Ray and Haleh exchange a look and everyone talks over her, not paying any attention to the nutcase babbling. Ray asks if Loon-ore is on meth as Morris and Darlene grin. Loon-ore starts gagging … oh, goody … here comes the puking on the Prada pageant. Ray and Haleh start to roll her, as Morris throws his hands up and “Whoa!”-ing and backing away from the table. But it was a false alarm and Loon-ore kept the chunkage from blowing. Morris takes his jacket off and hands it to Darlene, asking “If you don’t mind”, and Darlene asks “You want me to hold it?” as Ray and Haleh watch with interest. Ray asks Morris what’s up with the suit. Morris tells him to keep it on the QT, which is so stupid because you’ve got Haleh, one of the leaders of the ER Gossip Mill standing right there, but Morris idiotically continues and says that he took a job with Ladokern Pharmaceuticals and it doesn’t start till July 1st , then smugly gestures to the suit and says “signing bonus”. So he took the job? And this means he’s leaving? If so, then there is a God and he definitely loves me because I have been praying for this for three seasons. Think the drug company could use an underage-groupie-shagging-former-guitarist-R2 and a nurse with an attitude, psycho kid, and impulse control problems, too? I’m sure since they both are, the Ladokern could get them cheap. Haleh snarks that it’s always been her dream to push over-priced meds to people who probably don’t even need them, to which Darlene deadpans that it’s always been her dream to hold “Dr. Archie’s coat”. Hee. Morris ignores this and calls for a trauma panel, c-spine, chest, and to page Surgery and to get an ultrasound, as he takes the coat back from Darlene and blows non-existent dust off it. God … is it July 1st yet?

Mamma is asking if Mini Marcia’s x-rays will only take a little while. Mini Marcia authoritatively says “Only about 30 minutes”, then asks Abby, who is listening to Mamma’s lungs, “Isn’t that what you said?” Abby says distractedly “Yeah, something like that” then asks Mamma if she can take another deep breath in. Mamma inhales, then starts coughing. Abby takes off her stethoscope and drapes it around her neck, asking Mamma how long she’s had that cough. Mamma wistfully answers “Oh, about three or four years … since Jimmy Carter was President, I guess”. Uh oh. Abby looks up, and Mini Marcia cuts in “… since you wished Jimmy Carter was President”, prompting “Right, Grandma?” Abby looks at them both as Mamma says that she writes his name in every time. Hee. I do that, too, Mamma … though with Ron Jeremy instead of Jimmy Carter … Chuny comes in and tells Abby that they’re still waiting for Radiology and that it shouldn’t be that much longer, and Abby thanks her. Mamma tries to comfort Mini Marcia by telling her not to worry and that they said it only takes about 30 minutes, as Abby looks up at her. She looks back and forth between Mamma and Mini Marcia and gives them a worried little grin. She walks over closer to Mini Marcia and says “Can you remind me again, when was Jimmy Carter elected?” Mini Marcia starts to answer, but Abby cuts her off saying “Mrs. Pooler?” Mamma thinks about it and says chuckling, “Well, sometime before this latest bozo”. Bozo the Clown is President? Oh, no wait … he only acts like him … Abby hands Mamma a cup of something, and Mamma thanks her. Abby watches Mamma, pondering, as Mamma continues that she doesn’t much like any of them and asks “You want to know why?” Mini Marcia gets an “oh shit” look on her face and jumps in that she doesn’t think Dr. Lockhart cares much about their politics. Well, that’s true, Mini Marcia, because unless it somehow involves her, her family, bipolarism, smoking, drinking, comely Croatians, or moisturizing Hair Salon treatments, I don’t think Dr. Lockhart cares much about anything. Mamma continues “Stamps”, as Mini Marcia looks worried and Abby raises her eyebrows. Mamma is not looking at anyone and rambles “The price of stamps … they all keep raising them” and starts bitching about the latest increase and how she can’t believe it cost 19 cents for First Class. Mini Marcia stares at Mamma as Abby questions “19 cents?” Mini Marcia prods Mamma to come on, she knows that the cost has gone up a lot more than that. Mamma says she knows but she doesn’t like to think about it. Abby watches both of them as she walks around Mini Marcia’s bed, then grins encouragingly at Mini Marcia. Mamma asks her that if Mini Marcia has to stay there, will it be more than a couple of days, as Mini Marcia pets Mutt, which I hope is not a trigger for more noxious emissions. Mamma says that she really wants Mini Marcia home for Easter. Mini Marcia says “Grandma” as Abby smiles and says that she thinks Easter was last week. Mini Marcia looks over at Mamma worriedly as Mamma looks confused for a moment, then smiles and says that she certainly hopes not because they are picking up the ham on Saturday, and chuckles. Abby stands with her arms crossed and eyes both Mamma and Mini Marcia, smiling slightly. Mini Marcia looks nervously at Abby.

Snotty Surgeon bursts into Trauma Green bitching at Morris that they’ve got four cases backed up in the OR, so this better be real. She introduces herself to Loon-ore and asks if her belly hurts. Loon-ore, no longer sporting the neck-brace and head strap, answers “I guess so”. Way to be on top of your bodily functions, Loon-ore. Morris starts to do an ultrasound and he and Snotty exchange glances. Morris looks at the screen, but Snotty keeps eyeing him, appraisingly. Oh, for the love of God, Snotty! Morris??? When there is such a fine specimen of manhood as Luka working in the ER? Hell, I’d even take Ray over this totally terrible triple teat-ed turd. Ugh. Looking at the ultrasound, Darlene says that there is fluid in the Morrison’s pouch. Snotty juvenilely grabs the ultrasound wand out of Morris’ hand and starts examining Loon-ore herself as Morris shoots her a look. Are you going to push him down on the playground, too, Snotty? Snotty says that there’s blood anterior to the bladder and in the splenoreal recess. She nods condescendingly at Morris and says she’s seen enough, and arrogantly hands the wand back to him, telling him to prep Loon-ore for the OR. Morris thinks they should get a CT. Snotty snots that Loon-ore is unstable and anemic, but Morris thinks that could be chronic. Snotty glares at him and says that Loon-ore is hypotensive, and he comes back at her the BP normalized with a liter, as Loon-ore watches this exchange going on over her. Snotty says superiorly that she’s bleeding in her belly, end of story, and tells Morris to get her upstairs, before storming out. Ray comes over, chuckling, and says “guess you told her”. Morris, pissed, orders them to repeat the hemocue, get a serum albumin and a urine protein. As he walks out Haleh protests “yeah, but that could take …” and Morris shuts her down saying “Yes, Haleh, it could” and continues out, as Haleh and Ray exchange a look.

Luka comes up to Sam at Admit and says that he wants to give her a “head’s up” and she finishes “Steve’s in Exam 2 … yeah, I know” as she starts to walk away. Luka stops her and says that she doesn’t have to go in there, but she tells him it’s okay. He says they can get another nurse. Sam thanks him, but says she can handle it. Sam has obviously once again been shopping in Ray’s “inappropriate work attire t-shirt” collection, with the long-sleeve pink tie-dye she’s sporting. And of course of I’m not really liking her hair – kind of dishwater blonde and lifelessly flat and in need of some infusing. Although I think she needs to find her own Shampoo Boy, because even though Luka’s been showing concern for Sam in each of these past few episodes, if he didn’t seem to be so totally happy playing Shampoo Boy in the Salon with Abby, I’d start thinking these were “signs”. But then again, I tend to take all choices cine-matic with faythe.

Sam goes into Exam Two, where Sleaze is in one of the beds, handcuffed to the rail. He says hey to her as she raises her eyebrows in acknowledgement of him and comes over to his bedside. Sam put the thermometer ear probe in Sleaze’s ear and asks “They thought it was appendicitis?” He says yeah and that he was in a lot of pain on the drive over. He’s moving his eyes around shiftily, so I’m not sure if he’s actually lying or if it’s just part of his general sleaziness. He says that he feels okay now, but figured they’d send him another nurse. Sam says sarcastically that she’s just doing her job. I don’t think so, Sam, considering Luka offered to have someone else take Sleaze, so I’m thinking you do want to be caring for him. And I’m hoping it’s just because he was your psycho spawn’s sperm donor and not because you are harboring any lingering feelings for the jerk-off jailbird. Because, after having given up such a fine specimen of manhood as Luka, all I can say is … ewww. Really … I mean … just … ewww. Sleaze tries to strike up a conversation by telling her that New Alex has been writing him letters and that things must be going pretty well. Sam kind of ignores this and tells him that his temperature is 99.4. Sleaze tells her that he’s happy for her with her new job and the new place to live, courtesy of Richard Elliott, aka Armand Assante, aka the Mambo Mumbler. Sam notices the jewelry around Sleaze’s neck and asks “What’s with the cross?” as she takes his blood pressure. Sleaze says that the chaplain gave it to him. Sam asks if he’s keeping up on his Bible studies. Sleaze says he is and that he’s picking up a thing or two, and that he thinks it doesn’t hurt that those are the guys that watch your back. Sam looks up at him, processing this and trying not to think about what the guys are doing when watching Sleaze’s back … side. Sam tells him that his BP is 124/80. He asks if that’s good. Damn, Sleaze just really isn’t attractive at all, and the pixie haircut he’s got is not doing him any favors. Sam tells him pointedly that it’s normal. Sleaze asks her if she thinks he’s faking the pain. Sam just raises her eyebrows and smirks, not looking at him. He admits that a lot of guys do just so they can get out. Yeah, I’d think I’d want to too if I had people watching my back … side all the time. Sam scoffs “yeah”. Sleaze says that he can’t say that he blames them and that there’s one thing you can say about jail – it’s everything it’s “crack”-ed up to be. Sam looks up at him, and Sleaze looks at her, kind of pitifully pleadingly. Sam thinks about this, then tells him that one of the docs will be in to check him out.

Neela is presenting to Chi-Chi a “35 year old detainee”, and I guess she means Sleaze, who’s party lifestyle and criminal tendencies must have really taken a toll, because he’s looking way older than 35. Neela says that he has abdominal pain – rule out appy. Chi-Chi says “Oh, we got a ‘detainee’?” as Neela informs him that the pain was ten out of ten but now it’s resolved and Sam hands him a chart and takes his ever-present coffee cup. Chi-Chi thinks that the “resolved” is convenient. Neela and Sam share a look and Neela starts to explain that she should tell him that Mr. Curtis … but Sam cuts her off and tells him that Sleaze is her ex, her kid’s dad. Chi-Chi thinks that must really be tough on her little boy, and Sam just shrugs “It is what it is”.

Chi-Chi’s got his coffee cup back and comes over to Sleaze, introduces himself and asks if Sleaze is feeling any tenderness anywhere. Sleaze shakes his head and says that it’s better now. Neela hands Chi-Chi some labs and says that Sleaze’s white count is 10,000. And thank God for Neela and her wonderful hair, which has looked good all season. Much better than the scant facial fuzz that Chi-Chi’s sprouting. Chi-Chi says snidely “Well, that’s not very impressive at all, now, is it?” Sam tells him that the pulse is down after a liter. Sleaze says that it was pretty painful for a while. Chi-Chi presses on Sleaze’s abdomen and says that it could be the stomach flu and that he lives in close quarters and that kind of thing can run rampant through half the population. Sleaze comments “Close quarters? You’re a riot”. Chi-Chi says that since he’s feeling better, Dr. Rasgotra will sign him out. Neela follows Chi-Chi out and tells him that Sleaze has a low grade fever and that maybe they should observe him for a bit. Chi-Chi thinks it’s barely a low-grade fever, but Neela says that the CBC shows a left shift. Chi-Chi says “Yeah, but there’s no leukocytosis”. He says that he can appreciate these guys wanting to get out of “the can” now and then, but that they are not “running a time-share here, okay?” He tells her to release him and walks away. Neela walks over to Sam at the computer and apologizes if Sam didn’t want her relationship with Sleaze mentioned. Sam says it’s okay and that she just doesn’t need people protecting her. Sam asks if Neela wants to write up Sleaze’s aftercare, but Neela wants her to repeat the CBC. Sam Botox-scowls and follows Neela, saying that she doesn’t have to do that for her. Neela says she’s not and that Sleaze’s history tells her to do it. Sam laughs and says “History? What? Lies and deception?” Neela questions that Sam never really thought Sleaze was sick. Sam doesn’t know but says that Chi-Chi examined and released him, and that Sleaze is a patient like anyone else. Neela again tells her to repeat the CBC, and walks away. I love the new confident, non-wishy washy Neela.

Mini Marcia is looking at CT films on the light board and says “So, it’s not Alzheimer’s?” Abby says it’s not but that there are similarities in how it affects people. The camera angle changes to show Mamma, now in a gown with her sweater over it, in a bed in the background with Abby standing next to her, and Mini Marcia in the foreground, looking at the films. Abby’s just turned profile and damn, if that bump isn’t getting ginormous! And the wardrobe people must really be strapping the big baby belly on her, because her chest is huge, too. Abby tells Mamma that with this type of dementia, it can sometimes progress very quickly. Mini Marcia jumps on Abby’s word choice and says that means that sometimes it can be slow. Mamma holds up her hand to Mini Marcia and tells her to let the doctor talk. Abby tells her that there are some concerns about her ability to take care of Mini Marcia, to make decisions, to cook … Mini Marcia interjects that she can cook and she can make decisions. Mamma quietly asks, wringing her hands, “Like you did about driving this morning?” Abby tells them, though clearly not liking having to do so and eyeing Mini Marcia, that Social Services is going to want to talk to them, and that they’ll most like want to discuss putting Mini Marcia in foster care. Mini Marcia protests “They can’t do that! You can’t do that! That’s not fair!” She tries to get Mamma on her side by saying “We’re not going to let them, are we, Grandma?” Then not letting Mamma answer, justifies to Abby that she doesn’t take the car out that much and she’s never hit anything before, and she knows everything Mamma needs – all of her prescriptions. She reaches into Mamma’s purse and pulls out a bottle, holds it up and says “Neurontin, 300 mg, twice a day”, pulls out another “Diltiazem, 240 mg a day”, as Abby watches her sadly and Mini Marcia gets more desperate. “Lanoxin, .125 mg a day” and Mamma tells her to stop, distraught. She and Mini Marcia look at each other, than Mamma hugs Mini Marcia as she cries “Please, please don’t let this happen. I don’t want anything to change”. Abby looks very affected by all of this. Mamma tells Mini Marcia that when her parents died, she thought nothing would ever be the same. Camera focuses on Abby, looking really sad. Mamma tells Mini Marcia, “We took the worst possible moments and we turned it into years and years of the best possible moments. Didn’t we?”, and they smile at each other. Mamma says that she knows at least about this one thing she is not confused. They hug each other again as Abby watches.

Morris, now in scrubs, pours Betadine on Loon-ore’s belly, then holds out the bottle for Darlene to take, not looking at her. She looks from the bottle to him and says sarcastically, “Oh, okay, so you don’t want me to hold the coat this time?” He just shakes his head at her and says that he had a little talk with himself this afternoon, which of course he would have to, because no one else can be stand to listen to him. He says he said “Archie, you know what? You are Dr. Archie Morris. You don’t need no stinking Prada suit”. Okay, really … isn’t it July 1st yet? I’m starting a countdown. Haleh hands him a needle and asks “What did you spill?” Hee. Morris doesn’t look at her and sheepishly answers, “Coffee”. He tells Loon-ore that he’s giving her a little numbing medicine as Snotty bursts in with two orderlies and asks him what the hell he’s doing. Morris ignores her and Darlene answers “peritoneal aspirate”. Snotty snots “Is your name Morris?” Ugh. Any chance she can get a job with the drug company, too? Morris, Ray, Sam, and Snotty – the Dream Team. Morris tells her that the crit was stable so he decided to … as Snotty bitches that she’s been waiting for half an hour. Morris says that he discovered that Loon-ore really is a loon and has been on lithium for a year. Snotty obnoxiously replies “Oh, and that changes everything?” Loon-ore jumps in “Well, not quite everything, but …” as Darlene smirks. Snotty nods at the orderlies and starts to move the gurney. Morris tells them to wait because Loon-ore is prepped and draped. Snotty says snidely “And bleeding internally”. Loon-ore wants to know what’s going on as they move her gurney out and Morris protests that the lithium could cause nephrotic syndrome, which is marked by high levels of protein in the urine and low levels of protein in the blood, swelling, and high cholesterol. Thanks, Medline Plus. Snotty wants Morris to tell her something she doesn’t know. Morris says “Okay, her hypotension could be vasovagal from the rib pain”, which is … oh, forget it … I just can’t be bothered to look up the med terms they’re spouting at each other in this pissing contest. Just suffice it to say, they’re sniping back and forth, Loon-ore looks confused, while Haleh and Darlene look amused. Loon-ore wants to know where she’s going and Haleh pats her shoulder and tells her “Hold on, honey, they’re figuring that out”. Hee. Morris tells Snotty he feels very strongly that Loon-ore may not need the OR, and locks the wheels on the gurney as they get to the elevator. Snotty challenges him and he repeats that he does. Then he takes the needle and plunges it into Loon-ore’s stomach as Snotty and Loon-ore look shocked. He pulls back on the plunger and it fills with clear liquid as both Darlene and Haleh say “Wow” in a kind of bored tone. Hee. He holds it up and says superiorly “straw-colored fluid not blood, it’s ascites from nephrotic syndrome. She doesn’t need surgery, she needs steroids and a kidney biopsy”, as Snotty looks pissed at being one-upped. Haleh and Darlene both shoot her one of those “Um hmm … that’s what I’m talking ‘bout” looks. Snotty stomps away and Morris grins, all pleased with himself. I’m glad someone is, Morris.

Darkened locker-room floor as we see two feet, and a cane, walking over to a locker. Camera pulls back and we see Weaver prop the crutch against the side and puts her stuff away, before grabbing the cane, looking at it a moment, then placing it in the locker and shutting the door, as the horn and string Elegy of Life-Altering Events starts playing.

We see Weaver through the doors to the ER, looking a little apprehensive and playing with her hands. She stops for a moment before pushing through the doors. Camera angle is a full body shot of Weaver entering, sans crutch. She walks a bit tentatively, then gaining confidence, through the hallway towards Admit. At the desk, Jerry tells her there is a double trauma pulling up, if she’s looking for some action. Weaver tells him no, that she’s got to head upstairs. Jerry shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. Weaver continues down the hall, with her right arm holding her left arm in front of her, addressing Morris that she’s sorry she missed him in his suit as Morris questions how she knew about his suit as she continues walking. Not looking at him, she says “I know everything”, smiling. Morris asks worriedly “Everything?” Chuny comes over to Weaver and asks her if she can look at an open tib-fib in Four, but Weaver apologizes and says that she’s not on today. Chuny walks away and Weaver keeps going to the elevators. Before she gets on, she takes a look around at the ER as Snotty gets off the elevator and they acknowledge each other. Weaver gets in the elevator, looking very pleased, because she realizes that Abby was right when she said that she never saw Kerry as a disabled person – and apparently neither did anyone else, who didn’t even seem to notice that she no longer had the crutch. I loved Laura Innes’ facial expressions in this scene showing Weaver’s emotions going from anxious to surprised to delighted. Very well done.

Abby and Luka are talking and walking into the Ambulance Bay, as has been their wont in pretty much every episode since their baby shopping spree/dressing room sexcapade in Split Decisions. Abby tells him not to worry about it, she’s handling it. Luka protests that she hasn’t even called Social Services yet, as we see that Abby is once again sporting her standard maternity ensemble – black shirt, jeans, work boots, and the strange many zippered jacket. Abby, a bit prickly, corrects him that she didn’t say that, she said that they put her on hold, then complains that she doesn’t have the time to stand there and … Luka interrupts to ask her if she really thinks she’s going to make things easier by keeping them around? Abby sharply answers “No”, as he shrugs at her like “okay, so?”, and they exchange a look. Putting her hands in her pockets, she tells him that it’s not easy and that they’ve always had each other, as she walks ahead of him, looking away. He tells her in an understanding tone that he knows that it’s horribly sad but it can’t stay that way. Abby indignantly says that they don’t know that 100% for sure. Luka explains that Mamma has bilateral lacunar infarcts and that she’s going to decompensate sooner rather than later, and asks “And what? She’s going to raise a 12 year old?” Abby objects and tries to convince him that Mini Marcia is a very mature 12 year old that seems so far to have done a pretty good job of holding it together. They get to the Roach Coach and Luka automatically starts pouring coffees and hands her one. Awww. That’s sweet. He just did that for her without her even asking. Bitch. Abby asserts “They’re a family, Luka. Why aren’t we fighting for that?” Luka declares “Kids shouldn’t be caretakers”. Abby looks at him, recognizing what he is saying, but also recognizing the situation and responds knowingly “Sometimes they have to be”. She tells him “Look, I know in Croatia, you grew up like Ozzie and Harriet”, so I’m guessing Luka’s dad wore a lot of cardigan sweaters and his mom baked all day long, perfectly coiffured and impeccably dressed with full-makeup and pearls. Then holding up her hand, rolling her eyes and walking away from him, Abby sarcastically continues “And I’m sorry I know that you probably don’t even know what Ozzie and Harriet is”. Hee. Even though that was kind of funny, it was also kind of bitchy. Jeez … what’s the matter, Abby? Thong crawl up your butt again? Better invest in some pregnancy-sized granny panties if you don’t want a permanent wedgie. She keeps going “… but, whatever”, as Luka follows her, looking like he’s trying to figure out where she’s coming from on this, because his childhood was actually more Leave It to Beaver -esque. Walking with her back to him, Abby continues “The thing is, yes, it’s going to get harder and harder, but that doesn’t mean that right now, they’re not better off together”. Luka asks her cynically “Like you were better off with your mother?” Ouch. Guess that makes them even in the Sulky Snippiness Score. Abby turns around, sighs, and pointedly looks at him, seeming somewhat disappointed that he would say this. Luka, realizing that he probably hurt her by saying that, looks regretful and apologizes. Abby argues that Mini Marcia is healthy, she’s in school, she’s in a loving environment and Mamma is still functioning and can still handle her ADL’s. Luka agrees “for now, but what … what …” as Abby interjects, purposely not looking at him and playing with the lid of her coffee cup, “And if you had asked me when I was twelve if I wanted to be taken away from my mother I would have said no”. Luka looks at her compassionately and says quietly that it’s not their job to let the 12 year olds decide. Abby looks at him like she knows he’s right, but doesn’t like it, then looks away and spots Mini Marcia heading towards the El steps. Abby calls out to her, and Mini Marcia hurries away. Abby bites her lip worriedly. Luka makes an “uh huh” face and says dryly, “Very mature”, as Abby closes her eyes at this pretty much “I told you so” with a “thanks a lot, Mini Marcia” expression.

Frank hands Neela her repeat blood work on her “no doubt unfairly-prosecuted, wrongly-incarcerated rule out appy”. Hee. Chi-Chi bitches to her that he told her to discharge him, and Neela replies that Sleaze’s white count is up to 12,000. Chi-Chi grabs the labs and answers “Big deal. So what?” Neela thinks that if Sleaze’s appendix burst on the way there then his pain might have been temporarily relieved. She thinks they should wait and see if he “declares himself”. What sort of declaration do you expect Sleaze to make Neela? Of war? Of independence? Of love for a certain Boxtox-definite, ludicrous Luka-losing lunatic, nuttily nettled nurse? Chi-Chi says to forget it and that he already examined Sleaze and he’s got to go. Sam tells him that the temperature is up to 100.4 as Snotty walks over after eavesdropping on all of this and says that it could be an appy. Neela agrees and Chi-Chi scoffs “No way, it’s not”. Snotty wants to take a look and grabs the chart. As they turn to walk towards the Exam Room, Neela tells Chi-Chi that the initial exam could have been done during the post-perforation window. Chi-Chi thinks then he would have signs of peritonitis, but Neela thinks that takes a while to develop.

Sam pushes back the curtain surrounding the bed to reveal Sleaze looking none too good. She calls his name as the Oppressive Ode of Onerous Outlaws pounds. Sleaze responds blearily “Sammy” and everyone springs into action. Neela says that he’s diaphoretic and barely has a pulse. Chi-Chi calls for two liters wide open and lays Sleaze’s bed flat. Neela yells for the officer on-duty outside the room to take the cuffs off. Snotty snots to Chi-Chi that the abdomen is rigid as a board, and I thought Sleaze looked a bit buffed up, so I’m thinking the crunches and sit-ups have helped with the six-pack abs. I would say “yum”, but it’s Sleaze, so it’s really not that appetizing. Chi-Chi tells Snotty that it can’t be, it was completely soft, then feels the washboard abdominals for himself. Sam glares at him, probably because she’s noticing the sculpted stomach and rethinking her revulsion, and considering her anger issues and impulse problems, you’d better get your hands off, Chi-Chi. Sam says that the pressure’s only 70 palp. Snotty says they need a second IV. Chi-Chi calls for a gram of cefoxitin as Sam slaps Sleaze’s face gently to try and rouse him. Neela asks Snotty if she’s going to take him to the OR, but Snotty says they need to get his pressure up because he’s septic. She orders six of dopamine as Sam looks worried at the monitor and calls “V-tach”, and Neela yells for the crash cart, as the camera narrows in on Sleaze, unconscious.

Sam catches up with Snotty, Neela, and Sleaze on the gurney at the elevators. She tells Snotty to take him to OR 3, because they bumped her “lap chole”, which is a Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy, which is the removal of the gallbladder using small incisions in the abdomen. Thanks, Google. Touching his shoulder, Sam quietly asks Sleaze how he’s doing. Looking like hell and sweating profusely, Sleaze smiles a little and tells her that he wasn’t faking it. Sam nods and says she knows. Chi-Chi, with the on-duty cop standing behind him and looking at him funny, calls “Hey, Rasgotra. Barney Fife here wants to know how long you’re going to be detaining his detainee.” Raising his eyes at Neela, he continues, “I was thinking, what, as long as possible?” Neela looks back as she gets on the elevator and says that would be correct. On-Duty Cop gets on the elevator with Snotty, Sam, Neela and Sleaze. As the doors close, Chi-Chi rubs his hands through his hair and we hear his cell phone ring. He answers and we hear what is supposed to be Gecko’s voice, but doesn’t really sound like him say that Chi-Chi’s been working pretty long hours and ask if he’s getting any sleep. Chi-Chi gets pissed and tells Gecko that he’s “not doing this”. As he gets loud, he looks over his shoulder to see the Mystery Janitor from the opening teaser mopping the floor and staring at him. Chi-Chi starts walking down the hall as Gecko tells him that he’s been wanting to talk to him all day, and that he even stopped by to drop something off, but there was a sheriff’s van outside. He wants to know if Chi-Chi hired protection as the Lugubrious Lament plays again. Chi-Chi tells Gecko that he’s not playing his little games. Gecko wants Chi-Chi to calm down, then asks one last thing – “What time are you going home tonight?” Chi-Chi slams the phone shut, looking panicked.

Mini Marcia walks through the door carrying a bunch of large shopping bags. She goes up to Luka and Jerry at Admit and asks where Abby is. Jerry says that he’d have to check. Mini Marcia asks him to please tell her that “Ruthie Pooler is here and I’ll be with my grandmother, Exam Three?”, as Luka watches her. Jerry says “sure” and Mini Marcia grins and walks off. Luka asks Jerry “Any word from Social Services?” Ooh, Luka … checking up on your BabyMama? Somehow I’m thinking she’s not going to be too appreciative of this, though you are the ER Chief and it is your responsibility to make sure the Residents follow through. But Abby never said she wasn’t going to call them, she said they had put her on hold. And in fact, she had already told Mamma and Mini Marcia that Social Services was going to want to talk to them. So she obviously knew that they had to be involved, she just didn’t like it. Jerry says that he thinks Abby called them, but no one has been down yet.

Abby and Chi-Chi are walking down the hall and he’s complaining that he just hasn’t been getting any sleep lately. Wiping his hand across his face kind of jittery, he tells her that the thing is that he’s really, really needing some and that things have been kind of rocky since Cha-Cha and all that. Abby asks if she’s okay. Chi-Chi says that she’s great. A little nervously, he asks Abby if she can write a scrip for him for some Ambien. Abby raises her eyebrows, a little surprised, then snarks “Is herbal tea not working?” Hee. Chi-Chi sarcastically says “Ha, ha, very funny” as Abby smirks and they keep walking. She asks him if he’s asked his doctor. He tells her “Docs don’t have docs, you know that”. She pulls out her prescription pad and starts writing. Chi-Chi watches her, and then thanks her and babbles that he really appreciates it. She hands it to him, saying “sure”. He looks at it, and then all pissy says “What’d you give me, two? Is that it, just two?” She tells him it’s for tonight and tomorrow night and then she’s sure by the next day, he’ll have his very own primary care physician. Hee. Payback’s a bitch, huh, Chi-Chi? You don’t know who you asked, Chi-Chi – Abby knows from addictions. Jerry comes over and tells Abby that Mini Marcia is back and is looking for her, and that she’s in the room with Mamma. Abby thanks him and starts walking away, grinning at Chi-Chi, who says after her “Come on, Abby, you’re killing me”. She keeps going, asking him if he’s tried those nature CD’s, with birds chirping, waves crashing. Hee. Maybe you should just loan him Luka’s Craptastic CD Collection, Abby. That would put anyone to sleep.

Abby looks in the window of Exam Room 3. Mamma is asleep in one of the beds, with Mutt at her feet, and Mini Marcia is sitting cross-legged on the other one, her chin resting on her hands, thinking. As Abby walks in, Mini Marcia looks up and insists that she wasn’t running away. Abby is kind of waddling over to the bed, as she tells Mini Marcia that she didn’t think she was. Abby’s holding her right hand against the side of her baby belly, kind of like she has a stitch in her side. Nice touch. Abby tells her that she didn’t think Mini Marcia would leave her grandmother … or her dog, as she sits down on the stool next to the bed. Why is the dog still there? Didn’t Abby tell them that he couldn’t stay, even temporarily? Annoying. Abby sighs, telling her “Ruthie, believe me” and rolling her eyes a little “I know it’s not going to be easy”, as Mini Marcia reaches behind around on the bed and grabs something, then hands Abby the keys to Mamma’s car. Abby takes them, looking at her quizzically, as Mini Marcia holds up a stack of cards rubber banded together and says “El passes. Three months worth”. Then she holds up a book called Italian Cooking Made Simple, and then Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals – ooh, I have that, it’s a good one Mini Marcia. At least it looks like it’s good, as I haven’t gotten around to actually making any of the meals, since it’s kind of false advertising seeing as it takes half an hour to just read the recipes, let alone get started preparing. She grabs another one Better Food for Dogs. Hee. I’m guessing Mutt’s diet’s going to be all about the roughage now. Then she holds up one more book, Dementia: A Caregivers Guide. Abby takes the book from her as we hear the Piano Playing of Precocious Preteens in the background. Mini Marcia implores Abby, saying confidently “I can do this, Dr. Lockhart. We can do this”. Abby looks up at her, then over at Mamma sleeping, and says “You know, for this to happen Social Services is going to have to follow up with you probably once a week”. Mini Marcia nods as Abby continues that they are going to need home healthcare workers probably every day. Mini Marcia reminds her that she said it wasn’t going to be easy, as Abby looks at her appraisingly. And who is going to be paying for these services, Abby? Does Mamma work and have insurance? Is she on Medicaid? No explanation, of course, as we cut to:

Jerry at Admit answering the phone. Snotty is in the hallway, looking for something, as we see Morris through the window over her shoulder. He ducks when he spots her, but she sees him. He hurries off and she chases after him. He sneaks into the drug lock-up, thinking he’s ditched her, when she appears at the door and starts bitching at him, startling him. “Don’t you ever pull that crap on me again!” Morris gets back in her face, saying that the last time he looked, he was right. She tries to open the door, but it’s locked. She tells him that he was lucky, then rushes around to the other entrance, as Morris looks after her, with an expression that says that he’s enjoying this cat and mouse thing. She snots at him that a hypotensive patient with a low crit and a positive ultrasound always need surgery. He comes back at her that it was vasovagal, chronic anemia, and it was ascites, and pointing at her arrogantly adds “I saved your ass”. Getting even more pissed, Snotty rages that Loon-ore could have bled to death, but Morris thinks Snotty would have sliced her open on the table for no good reason. Snotty looks at him, than grabs him and practically attacks, savagely kisses him. Ewww! Ugh. I never should have seen that … as just the idea of Morris getting any has burned my retinas and I’ve been blinded …

After my eyesight is restored, I see Olivia from Ceasefire, Pratt’s erstwhile ex, come up to Jerry at Admit and asks “Where are we?” to which he responds “Pick your poison, Trauma One or Two”. She thanks him and starts to walk away, when Jerry stops her and gives her an envelope saying that Pratt had dropped it off for her before he left for the airport. She opens it, looks and reads the note he left that says “Olivia, Thought you might need these. Can we talk after Africa? Love, Greg”. She holds up the dangling earrings Pratt found earlier, and tells Jerry that they are lovely, “Too bad they’re not mine”. Ouch. Smooth move, Pratt.

Since poking fun at anything even remotely related to Darfur is in my opinion tasteful and belittles the seriousness of the situation, and since this recap is taking way too long and my motivation to finish is running way too short, and since judging from my emails, most of you are only interested in the one part even remotely related to the continuing story at County anyway, I’m going to skip most of the rest of this episode, which focuses on Pratt in Africa. I apologize to anyone who was hoping for a detailed description, but to summarize:

On the plane, meets a native Sudanese woman, who works for the Ministry of Education, on the plane who he flirts with and who questions why he’s going since he’s not very informed about what’s going on there, nor does he understand the enormity of the crisis, as she tries to fill him in. Pratt is detained at the airport where they examine his bag. He’s picked up by Debbie “Everyone Loves the Dixie Chicks” Aid Worker and a driver named Ibrihim. On the way to the IDP camp, their jeep is overtaken by the Janjaweed. There are a few hairy moments where they mistakenly believe Pratt is Sudanese, until Debbie makes him open his mouth to prove he is American. The Janjaweed ransack their vehicle, leaving them to hoof it the rest of the way. As they pick through the destruction of their stuff, Pratt grabs his discarded mouthwash bottle, and Debbie makes a point of commenting on it. This is the third reference to the mouthwash this ep, including having the airport security guys pick it up, so I’m expecting it to be made main cast and see its name in the credits, given that it’s gotten more screen time than Ray has this ep. And since there is so much focus on the Listerine, including a shot of Pratt trekking with it in his back pocket, I’m guessing Pratt pulled the old trick we used to do at lacrosse camp and has upped the alcohol in it to about 90 proof. Pratt sees the extent of the camp, makes a faux pas trying to aid in the examination of a woman, and meets Dakarai, who he at first mistakes for one of the IDP’s.

Carter and Pratt walk through the camp. Pratt comments to Carter about Debbie and Dakarai being together, after spotting them kiss. Carter says that they are an item. Carter wants to know the news from County. Pratt says that Susan Lewis left and took a job over in Iowa City. A Susan reference! Yay! Carter says that he’s talked to her. Really? He’s been in contact with Susan, but not with Abby. Interesting. He says that Susan thinks she got kind of screwed, and Pratt agrees that she did. Well, she really kind of did, what with not getting tenure even though Carter got it all, but then she screwed them right back by up and leaving. And I still miss Susan … and Sherry Stringfield … and her hair … Pratt tells Carter about Chi-Chi and how Frank calls him “Dr. Schizo”, but Pratt doesn’t think he’s really a bad guy … just a little nutty. They walk past a little boy, and Carter pats him on the head, and then asks about “the R2’s”. Pratt jokes that they are still keeping their fingers crossed that they don’t kill anybody. Then the entire viewing audience holds its collective breath as Carter hesitates before asking the burning question we’ve all been waiting the entire season for … alright, that’s a slight exaggeration … so let’s just say some of the viewing audience … okay, so that’s way overstating, too … since there’s really only three people left who have been anxiously anticipating his query … “Even Abby?” Pratt says that Abby’s always ahead of the rest. Then he tells Carter, “You know, her and Kovac are back together again”. Carter looks over at him, a little surprised, but actually doesn’t seem too shocked by the news. He says “Really?” Carter grunts “huh” as Pratt chuckles, looks at him and says “Yeah, and they’re about to have a baby”. This causes Carter to slow down a bit , amazed, then smiling and raising his eyebrows, says “Wow. That’s news”. WHAT??? Luka didn’t tell him? For the love of God, Luka! You had to have contacted Carter to explain about Pratt’s coming, yet Abby and the Lukaby she’s incubating just happened to slip your mind? Jeez … If Abby won’t give you your balls back, Luka – and really, why should she, considering you let her walk all over you at work, cook for her, and she still gets all the extra conditioning in the Salon – could you at least grow a new pair? I’d expect this kind of passive asshat move, of allowing someone else to do your dirty work for you while you’re thousands of miles away, from Carter, but you? I’m very disappointed and think that you deserve to be soundly punished … I’m sure I could come up with something suitable … or maybe not so suitable … given that I’ve been deprived of some of your nectarous nakedness for quite some time now … just saying. Carter chews on his lips a little, processing this, before nodding and emphatically saying “That’s great news. I’m happy for them”. And he actually does look like he really is. Even though I’ll never be a Carter fan forever, or even a day for that matter, I actually think Carter reacts graciously, since the news is kind of just dropped on him. Though he really has no reason not to be accepting of it considering his relationship with Abby has been over for a long time, neither of them ever looked back, and he’s moved on and away and married someone else. I mean, come on, it’s not like he left or anything … or unceremoniously and cowardly dumped someone through the mail … or blindsided her with a sonogram picture a few months later when he returned with his pregnant girlfriend … And what exactly does it mean that Luka didn’t tell him? Could this be another “sign”? Is the fact that Luka and Abby were disagreeing earlier signal that all is not well in Lukaville, just as the absence of Kem spells trouble in Carterland? Uh oh, I think I can hear an imminent Storm rambling … I mean, rumbling. Still nodding, Carter says that he’s going to have to send them something. Pratt asks “From here?” and sardonically adds “Well, good luck with that”, as a disturbance in the camp effectively puts an end to this conversation, which isn’t revisited. Ah, well … any port in a Storm …

So just what kind of present does one send an ex who is knocked up by her ex/current boyfriend? Butterfly crib sheets to match the bedsheets you two never messed up? A mobile with the diamond engagement ring from the aborted proposal in Season 10 as a sort of "since Kem and I are already married, and Gamma certainly doesn't need the ring anymore, I thought you might appreciate having a symbol of how you just weren't good enough for me or to have my smirky spawn, nor are you anywhere near condescendingly righteous enough, so this can be a constant reminder of how you had to settle for second best ... and all that rejoicing in the Hair Salon ... with someone who actually has hair ..."? Another squeaky elephant toy to symbolize Carter as the “elephant in the room” that Luka and Abby apparently aren’t discussing, but instead are making out on top of? Oh, the possibilities …


At 11:33 PM, May 07, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have not read the whole thing, but I just know I'm so going to enjoy it. Thank you for the hard work, more later
Gau (like cow, except with G)

At 1:14 AM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant as usual and well worth the wait. LMAO at the references to a certain board that shall remain nameless. One can almost picture them as the three witches in Macbeth, hunched over a boiling cauldron, spouting off about the "signs" of the Carby mandate.

Good stuff!

At 2:00 AM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hallelujah! It was great, as usual!

At 2:10 AM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved it!
I have a question; do people in amerika REALLY go to the hospital with migraines? 'cause here in holland we just get meds at the pharmacy and stay at home till it goes away, which seems so much easier to me... ?

At 5:26 AM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Eva said...

"What’s the matter, Abby? Thong crawl up your butt again? Better invest in some pregnancy-sized granny panties if you don’t want a permanent wedgie."
Bwah! I was laughing like a hyena at that. Too true! Absolutely, freaking hysterical as usual. So witty and clever. Great job! You rock.

At 6:47 AM, May 08, 2006, Blogger Leslet said...

I love these recaps so much! I totally love the fandom piss-takes, mostly because I am obsessive enough to understand them! Thanks for all your hard work!

At 10:49 AM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooh, the pokes at the "No we are really here for the writing of the show, not the couples or the actors" (yeah, sure you are) board are spot on. Made me laugh.

As always, your recap is brilliant and funny. Bravo!

At 2:39 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are amazing. Great job! I can only imagine how long it takes to compose such a detailed recap. I always love your snark.

And, I thought I was just imagining references to the board that apparently now bans all posters who aren't tuned into the Carby-is-a-comin-oh-yes-it-most-certainly-is "signs", but I see I wasn't. Those 3? Kinda scary.

So much for:
"The purpose of this board is to create a discussion forum where civility is the predominant community culture as we discuss the many issues and characterizations presented in the television program ER, as well as to go wherever those ideas and thoughts take us." They forgot to mention those ideas and thoughts must lead to a Carby reunion. They really should add that to their "few" guidelines ;o). Especially if it's the number one cause of being banned.

At 3:17 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just found your recaps a couple of days ago and got caught up. Love em', much funnier and lighthearted cp'd to TWP (when they did them). I agree with you that this season has been better than the previous, largely thanks to the lack of Carter related angst, just less angst generally.

I'm loving this lighter ER and your recaps on them. You always make me giggle. (Esp your plank references so true. Gallant alone this year has turned me towards Reela, they atleast have some chemistry)

Great work


At 4:35 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The recap was very funny as always, the shoutout to specific Carby fans was not. I like Luka and Abby just fine, but war between the lubies and carbies doesn't need any more stoking. I read your blog for some lighthearted fun and banter and usually its gentle malice towards all. I hope you go back to that formula.

At 4:54 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The recap was very funny as always, the shoutout to pecific Carby fans was not. I like Luka and Abby just fine, but war between the lubies and carbies doesn't need any more stoking. I read your blog for some lighthearted fun and banter and usually its gentle malice towards all. I hope you go back to that formula."
Ditto, you are way too talented to squander it on gratuitous attacks and cheap shots on posters on ER boards. It is clear you find their opinions ridiculous but as far as I can tell they are not bothering you. Please stick to your hilarious attacks on the denizens of County General.

At 6:53 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Ditto, you are way too talented to squander it on gratuitous attacks and cheap shots on posters on ER boards. It is clear you find their opinions ridiculous but as far as I can tell they are not bothering you. Please stick to your hilarious attacks on the denizens of County General."
OMG! Lighten up, Frances! :)
This is *her* blog. She doesn't have to write recaps at all. And, you certainly are not forced to read *her* blog. Why don't you start your own blog and write your own recaps, so you can critique the "denizens of County General" properly?

"The recap was very funny as always, the shoutout to specific Carby fans was not. I like Luka and Abby just fine, but war between the lubies and carbies doesn't need any more stoking. I read your blog for some lighthearted fun and banter and usually its gentle malice towards all. I hope you go back to that formula."
I don't see it as a Lubies vs. Carbies thing. I see it as an "It's just a tv show!!!" sort of thing. I guess I just don't understand trying to constantly find signs that a fictional couple is meant to be together. Whether it's Luby or Carby or even Reela doesn't matter.

At 7:22 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I don't see it as a Lubies vs. Carbies thing. I see it as an "It's just a tv show!!!" sort of thing."

...and cranky pokes fun at that too - the phone call, the e-mail exchange. Exaggerating the "signs" can be hilarious (even if it does add to the Luby-Carby tension), but so far it has lacked a personal sting. This calling out of specific individuals smacks of settling personal scores. Before anyone jumps in that this is Cranky's blog and she is free to settle any and all personal scores here, I'd like to say this is *MY* comment and AFAIK I am free to tell it my way. I enjoy reading her blogs --- they're funny and entertaining, the personal darts reduce *MY* enjoyment.

At 8:38 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again, you don't have to read this particular recap. Cranky recaps what she recaps. If she wants to poke fun at certain things that's her prerogative. And again, she doesn't HAVE to these recaps. She presumably does them for HER pleasure along with the people who read them because they are hysterical and SPOT ON.

Cranky, don't let the people who come on here just to put down you or recaps or the people who comment, let you down. Ignore them and they will go away. Much love for you and your wonderful recaps.

At 8:52 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cranky, perhaps you should clarify what you expect the comments here to contain. I enjoy your recaps and would like you to continue them.... so the intention is not to put you down, quite the opposite in fact. I will tell what I like and what I don't like (that is intended to be constructive criticism not flaming!). However if you'd rather not see the criticism, I'll stop commenting :).

At 9:10 PM, May 08, 2006, Blogger CrankyRecaps said...

Okay ... I personally feel that if you do anything publicly on the web, whether it be posting a blog or posting the rules to your own board, you are opening yourself up to all kinds of feedback - either from people who agree with you or people who don't; both of which are valid. In the tag at the top of the blog, I ask for people to leave comments, so since I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion, just as I am entitled to mine, then everyone should feel free to leave whatever they want, either positive or negative, praising or critical. I also post an email address, and if anyone has a question about something I posted, feel free to email me. For those of you who have enjoyed reading, I hope you continue to do so. For those who have not, I thank you for reading what you have.

At 10:13 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your time and your wonderful talent with us. I can't tell you how many times I checked to see if you had posted and how elated I was to see not one, but two postings. As usual, I was not disappointed. It was well worth the wait.

Thanks again!!

At 10:23 PM, May 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Cranky, your recaps are truely awesome. And I hope you continue writting them exactly the way you do, because they are so freaking funny. I was worried that you were totally burned out on doing these, so I was thrilled to see that you added this one and the deleted scene from TANAH. Thanks for doing these, they are so much fun!!

At 3:13 PM, May 09, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

am banned from public parks and reading in bed before (trying) to sleep:
too loud, too giggly, too much laughing not to mention spitting bits and pieces of my lungs!

absolutely amazing ... won't survive the summer without your recaps!!!

At 9:42 PM, May 09, 2006, Blogger Luka Goddess said...

I adore your anvil-like subtlty, Cranky!

At 7:05 PM, May 11, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

totally hilarious! (esp the carby bit haha!)

At 9:57 AM, May 12, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee, how funny, as always! I agree, that as it is your blog, which you are sharing with us for our amusement, feel free to write whatever you want


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