Thursday, April 10, 2008

Drs. Strange in Love: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying When Zabel Will Drop the Bomb

Previously on ER: Abby drank … and drank … and drank … and drank … Then the skank lost her swank and got really rank, by yanking a crank and spanking a wank – and no, no, not Frank – that I’m sure probably stank and its girth was more lank and not at all like the shank of The Pretty’s fine tank. How low she sank, I wish were a prank because it’s made my mind so completely blank. Now the drums of doom clank and we have Zabel to thank …

We also have Zabel to thank for McRoadkill’s new moving body parts violations … This time with Sam … Ewww …

These two really make my skin crawl … and itch … like eczema … EgSama … What is it about The Ego and hook ups on this show … and the fact that he actually gets hook ups on this show – he must be warping them on the inside in some way we can’t see – that cause dastardly deadly diseases like the Egola virus when he infected Neela, and malodorous medical maladies, with the now exuding execrable excuviating epidermis with Sam? … McUgh … It’s only a matter of time before he shows up in a hair shirt and one of those black leather zipper masks … Besides, everyone knows by now that John Stamos Has Rabies ...

I mean, good God, have we viewers not suffered enough having lived through Carter’s Sanctimonious Smirk of Condescending Righteousness doing double duty … or make that “doody” … as the Iniquitous Irk of Long-Suffering Boyfriend-edness throughout his: painfully-overlong-ill-considered-courtship-with-Abby-where-he-was-supposedly-so-in-love-with-her-that- he-decided-not-to-propose-to-her-after-she-gave-the-woefully-wrong-answer-by-stating-that-she- didn’t-think-people-ever-really-changed-even-though-her-mother-Maggie-had-seen-right-through- the-fact-that-he-didn’t-really-love-who-Abby-was-but-loved-what-he-wanted-her-to-be-and-tried- to-tell-him-exactly-that-earlier-in-the-same-episode-by-saying-that-he-had-to-love-her-even-if-she- never-changed-but-even-so-he-magnanimously-kept-up-with-his--philanthropic-pursuit-of-slumming suitors-by-continuing-to-date-Abby-until-her-unfortunately-unanticipated-unmedicated-manic-brother’s- untimely-arrival-just-when-she-was-in-the-midst-of-having-to-prove-her-girlfriend-worthiness-to-Carter- and-then-Eric-proceeded-to-use-a-cemetery-tree-as-a-urinal-then-face-dive-into-Carter’s-equally- pompous-pissily-prim-patronizing-grievously-grim-geriatric-Gamma’s-grave-causing-Carter-to-rethink- his-Wyczenski-wooing-ways … Good times …

And you, Sam, haven’t you done enough damage to the viewing audience by extraordinarily exploiting egregiously emasculating lax lenient lovable Luka for like two whole seasons and almost -- though not quite because his Strikingly Sexy Stupendously Superb Stunningly Sublime Surpassingly Superior Supremely Substantial Slavic Studliness cannot possibly be overcome -- succeeded in making The Pretty … gasp … unbelievably unthinkably unimaginably unlikely unsexily unattractive? … Shudders …

I guess I need to watch what I say, seeing as I did suggest this EgSama pairing last year – if only to relieve the pain in my eye sockets from watching really repulsively randy roadkill shag suddenly single surgeons … and to give Neela’s vaccinations a chance to work, because the tree bark she’d inherited from her dead husband Plank sure didn’t work to ward off infections. If I had known you were going to take me literally, Zabel, I would have suggested hooking McAsshole up with The Tooch’s character, Moretti … seeing as they would have been perfect, what with their coupling being More-Ego making and all … and have kept him away from Abby, and then her hoisting hooch might not have lead to The Tooch smooch and cooch pooch … and we could have averted the whole heartache and mess that now is her life …

Speaking of that heartache, how heartbreaking has it been to watch this whole thing unfold? I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, Maura Tierney is absolutely amazing. She has such an uncanny ability to make you feel exactly what Abby is feeling, and she can do it without saying a word. From the overwhelming joy that infused her and lit up her face when she saw Luka, running to him and leaping into his arms, where nothing else in the world mattered right then but him; to the staggering guilt she felt barely moments later when Luka’s happiness at being reunited ran right up against the living embodiment of her infidelity, subsequently contributing to her being violently ill in the break room sink; to her quiet desolation as she gave in later to weeping over her secret shame as she cleaned up a spill in MoJo’s room. How painful it was to see her sinking further and further as she continued to keep this all from Luka; watching the alienation her dishonesty caused, the shocking projection of her disgust with herself onto Neela with the pinpoint accuracy of bitter hateful eviscerating words, her shocked incredulity that Luka could question whether she still loved him or not, realizing the complete extent of her inability to hide her unhappiness from him and that her self-loathing-inspired avoidance of him and withdrawal from intimacy sadly caused him to believe she no longer felt the same as she once had towards him. All this culminating in Abby’s finally confessing her relapse to Luka in a scene so full of pain, so steeped in raw emotion, so realistic that you almost felt like a voyeur watching an actual married couple’s struggle. When Goran Visnjic’s Luka broke down and started blaming himself for what happened as a tear-filled Abby insisted that the fault was hers, I pretty much broke down, too … Though I didn’t take the blame … because I know that the fault lies with Zabel … and his unholy insistence on torturing the living hell out of me …

And so we come to the return – FIN-A-FUCKING-LLY – of ER tonight, where Zabel will continue his overzealously persistent maniacal glee in prolonging our hideous anguish … Because it is abundantly apparent, all is not resolved between Abby and Luka – not anywhere close. Though Abby came clean about the drinking in December, she couldn’t bring herself to admit the affair to him, even though he knows, and tried to get her to talk about, that there is something that she hasn’t told him. And though in January we left post-rehab Abby in a seemingly good place, having divulged her alcoholism and stint in a residential rehabilitation facility to the all-but-Sam-for-some-strange-reason supportive hospital staff, made peace with Neela, and was about to leave for Croatia to be with Luka and MoJo, we know that all really is not well. Will Abby confess everything? Will Luka immediately forgive her and they carry on past this single ugly incident in a lifetime as if nothing at all happened that could have ruined their beautiful, idyllic marriage that people are overly interested in and jealous of? Will they seal their love, taking MoJo to an island paradise seemingly away from prying eyes to frolic in the sun? Or will it be much more complicated, excruciating and emotional than that? Will we more likely see Luka agonizingly trying to come to terms with the betrayal? Will he be able to comprehend as he hasn’t before just what havoc alcoholism can wreak and what devastation it can leave in its wake? Will he be able to actually understand what Abby was going through? Will he ultimately accept and finally find a way to forgive her?

I have a feeling we ain’t seen nothing yet … In the undeniably talented hands of Maura Tierney and Goran Visnjic, this is going to be extraordinary … Stay tuned …

… That is, at least for a few more episodes – as there’s not much time left for this storyline, or any of the show’s storylines for that matter, to be resolved. It’s been officially announced that ER will end its long and memorable run at the end of next season – its 15th. Kudos to all involved with this show to reach that kind of incredible milestone. However, looks like Maura Tierney, and Goran Visnjic, will only be around for some of the shows – departing sometime next season. According to Maura, “Fans of Luka and Abby should always have their tissues close by … We are going to make you cry so hard. But they might be tears of joy” … Great … Zabel the Unstable’s not yet finished with his Poisonous Peppy Pen of Tempestuous Tyrannical Torture … Oh, goody …


Even though it’s getting near the end of her run, apparently Maura hasn't decided yet what she's going to take with her from the show … Hmmm … I think I may have a few ideas …

What Maura Should Take With Her When She Leaves ER:

  • The snowglobe Luka gave Abby
  • The snowglobe Abby gave Luka
  • The compass
  • Luka’s fish tank
  • Luka’s PlayStation
  • Abby’s iPod ... with Abby’s music loaded... leave Luka's craptastic collection for the scrap heap ... or Sam ... same difference
  • Abby’s wedding dress
  • The "Taxicab of Love" where Abby got my lap dance from Luka in I Don't ... Bitch ...
  • Luka’s mom’s pearls that Abby wore in her hair … because they look “great”
  • The bikini Luka bought her
  • The squeaky elephant Abby and Luka got busy on in the baby store in Split Decisions … Bitch …
  • The foosball table from Benton Backwards
  • Abby's red cell phone
  • The knife Carter got stabbed with
  • Carter’s “Dear Abby” letter … that he didn’t want to waste the kerosene writing
  • The bench in the Ambulance Bay where Abby first kissed Luka … which later was the one where she read Carter’s letter and her relationships with Carter, and then later Jake, finally, thankfully, ended ...
  • All of the lockers … because she never knows which one will be hers
  • The large diamond studs Abby’s sported quite a few times since the middle of last season
  • The “circle of love” pendant Abby wore in Breach of Trust
  • The necklace and earrings she wore in I Do
  • The hair clip Luka removed and tossed in I Do … Bitch …
  • Abby’s brown leather jacket from Man With No Name that I totally covet
  • Abby’s huge many zippered jacket that they kept making her wear
  • Luka’s antlers … with Luka wearing them
  • Luka’s baseball hat … with Luka wearing it
  • Luka’s Santa hat … with Luka wearing it
  • Luka’s grey sweater … with Luka wearing it
  • Hell, she should just take Luka
  • and all his Luka Blues, I & II, so he has something to wear …
  • … or not …
  • … and if not, then she should take Abby’s “panties”, so he at least has something to toss at her and say sexily while he’s not wearing … Bitch …
  • Abby’s Naughty Santa outfit … and Naughty Nurse outfit … and Naughty Schoolgirl outfit … for when Luka’s not wearing … Bitch …
  • Since Abby's carrying Luka's heart in her heart, I guess Maura gets to take that with her, too ... Bitch ...
  • Her trailer …
  • The Mobile Hair Salon … complete with Shampoo Boy … Bitch …


38 Comments:

At 10:45 PM, April 10, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Magnificent!
Glorious!
Splendid!
Just as everything you write. I loved the list of things Abby should take with her, LOL!
Please, always come back, Cranky, always...

*abbyft*

 
At 12:16 PM, April 11, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love it. Good to see *the* bench and the snowglobe in last night's episode. I hope Maura insists that both are rightfully hers to take with her when she leaves.

 
At 2:34 PM, April 11, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great to see you're back...missed you SO much! It was hilarious as always, you're pure genious
<3

 
At 2:53 PM, April 11, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The knife Carter got stabbed with"...I seriously don't remember when I laughed this much...Maura should absolutely take that! :D

 
At 4:30 PM, April 11, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious ... in fact can't stop laughing and crying!
A pure jewel, a masterpiece and a recap to cherish for any blue day without.
Cheers
Poupoune

 
At 9:28 AM, April 12, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for the posting! I really needed a laugh this moring and I got more than my share. Brilliant as always!

 
At 8:17 PM, April 12, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHHAHAHAAH

thats great, I loved it

 
At 8:41 PM, April 12, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh MY GOD Cranky!!! I missed you my friend!

You made my day definitely. I didn't expect your comments on last eppy and with your masterpiece you just blow my mind.

I think Maura Tierney should print the list right-a-way and start collecting all those things for her, ALL THOSE ON THAT LIST WITHOUT RESTRICTION!!! If you know what I mean...

Thanks for the masterpiece Cranky.

Viviana B. Soto
Lima-Peru
Southamerica

 
At 5:35 AM, April 13, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very glad to see you're back, Cranky. You've been missed!

You're hilarious as always. And well done with the list. Maura has so many things to choose from the list. My hope is that she gets to take The Mobile Hair Salon.

I hope you come back at least once more, for Luka and Abby's last episode and maybe another for the series finale? I know you're dying to write about the last scene of Carter and his stinky feet on the desk;)

 
At 9:11 AM, April 14, 2008, Anonymous Fan said...

Brilliant, as always. And much needed as I mourn the impending end of Luka & Abby's run whilst trying to avoid spoilers and missing a favorite fanfic.
Your use of language is fantastic. Who else could find (and use appropriately) all the words that end in "ank"? Who else could make one hyphenated phrase continue for an entire paragraph? Well done!
Two brief criticisms, though. 1)I don't believe Gamma was equally pompous - the Smirk was never rivaled. 2) Maura can't take "Luka's gray sweater - with Luka in it" as I will be sneaking onto the set to swipe that myself ;-)
Thanks for the laugh!

 
At 11:24 AM, April 15, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wowowowowowowow

This list is just amazing!!

Glad to have you back to comment these final Luby moment :o)

 
At 5:30 PM, April 16, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AMAZING!!!!!

I don't think I've ever read anything as biting and hilarious as your recaps. I've been waiting so long for another one, and this recap did the trick!

Keep up the great work.

Please get hired writing for some show... I would watch it religiously.

 
At 6:12 PM, April 21, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a great suprise- hilarious! i especially liked the List! i'll keep checking from time to time for another little titbit of laughter!

 
At 6:16 AM, April 25, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your posts used to be sooo much more entertaining and less vulgar and spiteful.

 
At 2:25 AM, May 08, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The more I read the more I adore it!
Am in serious need of such gloriously funny and well written recaps.
If I were Maura I'd take Luka (naked) and keep him warm and busy my way ...
Thank you so much.

 
At 8:45 AM, May 17, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Cranky,

Now that Abby and Luka have struggled through one of the worst hair days of both their lives to a final reconciliation in the season 14 finale, is there any hope you will recap it for us--even briefly?

Hope so.

 
At 6:53 PM, May 21, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I never thought I'd make a difference and you already have lots and lots of fans, I never posted any comment. But since the Luka/Abby saga has come to an end and you managed to make the episodes (*ahem* the non-Luka/Abby parts) watchable, I think it would be great to finish with...the end of their story, the final scene between them from this season's finale.

I strongly feel that that was the last emotional scene between them and I'd be delighted to see you comments concering dorky Luka and how Abby manages not to drown in his ocean of misused Americanisms.

Amazing job with all the rest. I've truly enjoyed the sarcastic comments and all the Carter/Carby shoutouts! Because after the end of the series, they'll both reconnect and adopt lots and lots of African kids. Or are they going to go the surrogacy route? Hmmm

 
At 3:21 PM, May 27, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a pleasant surprise!
Love your way with words, as always.
Unfortunately Zabel didn't live up to (my) expectations. I can't believe after all he's done for the luby he fumbled it at the 1 yard line. Maura as always awesome though.
I can't think of a single reason to watch next year once she's gone (unless you decide to recap sans the Croatian Sensation)
Kate

 
At 10:37 AM, July 31, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

just checking ... if you've got us a summer treat ...

hope you have a wonderful summer!

signed by an addicted to your recaps in painful withdrawal!

 
At 5:58 PM, September 17, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any chance you'll recap Abby's final episodes? I hear there's only two!!

 
At 10:25 PM, September 17, 2008, Anonymous abbyft said...

That's a very good question!! Please, recap at least her very last one, that would be enough for me...

Miss you =)

 
At 10:46 AM, October 18, 2008, Anonymous abbyft said...

Is there any hope that you could recap for us The Book of Abby? or what did you think about this episode?

Hugs =)

 
At 12:35 PM, October 18, 2008, Anonymous fan said...

Cranky...please write something about "The Book of Abby". Please?

 
At 10:46 PM, October 19, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's the last one and the last of the beloved Croat as well. Pretty PLEASE?! We miss you Cranky!

 
At 6:00 PM, October 25, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, Cranky, one last recap for the road?
Love you!

 
At 5:46 PM, November 08, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So should we take this as a no? : (

 
At 9:17 PM, November 24, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

tuning in to hope for a final abby recap...come on, got to have a fewm words to say about that terrible headband for her final scene! Hope you're well.

 
At 5:31 PM, April 03, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh cranky I was so so hoping for your thoughts on the final ep and recap episode. I mean, just on Susan's perfect hair?! Hope you are well.

 
At 7:54 AM, April 06, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello, just wanted to say how much i miss your wonderfully hilarious recaps....and it would be incredbily awesome if you decided to recap the finale :D

 
At 9:01 PM, November 08, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reminiscing about the good old days of ER and reading your recaps. Thanks cranky!

 
At 7:41 PM, January 10, 2010, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

 
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