Saturday, April 21, 2007

ER 13.16 Crisis of Conscience

Previously on ER: Dubenko is explaining about the kidney donor exchange program to Neela, and Manish Mehta, the guy who’s helping out with the program, tags along; Abby does what Abby does best – getting over her fears and insecurities and coming around to something finally after totally negating it before – and pulls a sort of reversal proposal on Luka, asking him to ask her again to marry him; Son of Sam, aka New Alex or Newlex, whom I’m convinced is the lovechild of Neela’s dead husband, Gallant, aka Plank, because of his apple not falling far from the tree wooden acting style so I call him Splinter, plays Acorn Arsonist and lights some matches; Later, he leavesdrops … er, eavesdrops, on Sam telling her Gaudy Grandma Gracie that she doesn’t know what happened but if it’s what she thinks, it scares the hell out of her; Meg, aka Paula Malcomson who played Trixie on Deadwood, and the former bang buddy of Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, but whose abundant self-love screamed for him to be dubbed Uncle Ego, or McEgo, is dying and tells McEgo that’s he’s a McDaddy, since her daughter, Sarah, aka Deej because she reminds me of one of Full House’s Tanner girls, is also his daughter; Neela asks McEgo if it’s possible that Deej is his; McEgo gets all paternal and kisses Deej while she sleeps.

It’s morning. Neela checks a clock and, seeing that it’s 6:15, springs up off a sofabed with a resounding “Crap!”, leaving us full view of a now waking McEgo McSleeping next to her. Well, that explains the exclamation of the disgusted “crap” … though since this is broadcast television, I’m sure you couldn’t say what you were really thinking upon the discovery of having slept under a rock with the roadkill, Neela … Let me help you out … The appropriate response in this situation would be “fuck” and any or all of its derivatives, such as Fuck me, Fuck you, Fuck Ass, Fuck me running, Fuck-a-doodle-doo, Fuck luck, Fuck fuck fuck a duck, Fuck fuckity fuck, Fuck me drunk in the middle of a snowstorm, Fuck my shit, Fuck Shit Balls Ass Cock Tits Fart … Really, any Tourette’s sort of “fuck” soliloquy ala Four Weddings and a Funeral will do … McEgo asks her what time it is and she tells him that’s it’s 6:15, then bitches that he let her fall asleep as he groans and flops his head back down. Neela, hastily dressing, complains that she didn’t want to stay over. He tells her it’s okay, but she’s pissed because they had agreed that it was too soon for Deej to have to deal with this as she picks up her really pretty ugly oversized prison-striped type brown and white shirt and puts it on. McEgo thinks that Deej will be sleeping for at least another hour and won’t even know that Neela’s there. Neela wants to know when he’s going to tell Deej. Getting up out of bed, and wearing sweatpants, thank the Lord, McEgo asks “Tell her what?” Neela’s all “Come on” because he knows what she’s talking about. Neela sits down on the bed to put on her socks and right next to her, leaning against the side table is a large artist’s pad with a pen and ink drawing of a nude woman, ass up. Nice. Please don’t tell me the Ego and Neela are going all Leo and Kate and are into the starkers sex sketching. Ugh. Too bad for Global Warming, because they seriously need to sink this Egola ship, so it so could use an iceberg … No, not one of your mythical icebergs, this is real … dead ahead about now … You’re here, there’s nothing to fear … Unless this shit will go on … McEgo, who obviously took my advice from a couple of episodes ago and decided to embrace his inner Cops criminal by borrowing Pratt’s cellmate Wife Beater’s wife beater because he’s wearing it now, puts on a sweater as he tells Neela that he doesn’t even know if it’s true. What, that you’re obnoxious? … Or infectious? … Or toxic? … Because you shouldn’t worry about that, McEgo – you are. Neela tells him that he will know if he does this test. There’s a test for asshole-ishness? I’ll bet Carter got an A on that … make that an A+ … and extra credit points … Or maybe she means a communicable disease test. Though you really should know by now that John Stamos Has Rabies, Neela … McEgo gets a little snippy as he asks what he’s supposed to do, “Hey, can I have some of your DNA? … I want to find out if I’m your father …” Ugh. There’s a gene pool you won’t want to be swimming in, Deej. That’s more than enough reason to put yourself up for adoption … McEgo asks Neela what if he’s not Deej’s father – he doesn’t want to mess with the kid’s head. But pestiferously polluting progeny’s pedigree per particularly pernicious poisonous parentage is just fine, eh, McPestilence? … They’re both putting on their shoes and Neela asks him if he’s afraid to find out but he says he isn’t. He walks over to her, claiming that maybe the actual biology doesn’t matter anyway. Well, I think it will to Deej, McEgo … Especially if she’s not up to date with her vaccinations … Neela gets up to leave, kisses McEgo on the cheek and tells him “Of course it does”, then heads for the stairs.

Going downstairs to the kitchen, McEgo asks Neela if she wants something to eat before she goes, but she says she’s fine. He asks if she wants some juice as we hear Deej’s voice say “We don’t have any”. Surprised to have been caught, McEgo and Neela look over at Deej, who’s standing next to the dish-filled sink, pouring herself a cup of coffee. Isn’t Deej a bit young to be a caffeine whore? Not that I’m not with you on that one, Deej, since God knows I need my morning rejuvenating java jolt. Neela says to her “I’m sorry, did we wake you?” Oh, ewww. I so don’t need to know about your screaming moangasm’s with the maggoty mangy mongrel, Neela. Doggy style takes on a whole new meaning … Yuck … Deej says no, and that she couldn’t sleep. An embarrassed Neela grabs her purse and says that she was just leaving. Deej tells her that she doesn’t have to “sneak out”. Well, actually, she does, Deej. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll learn all about the “walk of shame” soon enough … McAlmostCloselyShavenForOnce tries to claim that Neela’s not sneaking out, she’s going to work. As Neela heads out, she says that she’s late and she’ll page him later. After Neela leaves, Deej tells McEgo that she made coffee and he wants to know since when does she drink coffee and she tells him pointedly, “Since we ran out of juice”. McEgo tells her to pour him some, then apologizes that he meant to go to the store. Deej tells him that if he wants her to, she can do all the cooking, shopping and cleaning. He asks sarcastically if she did that, when would she do her homework? Or talk to boys on the phone? And “text”? Deej informs him that it’s called “multi-tasking”. McEgo gives her a WTF scowl, because that term is something he would know nothing about, seeing as how he can barely string two words together unless one of them is “me” and the other is … “me” …

Chief Resident Dustin Crenshaw, aka Moby for his hairless pate, is bitching at someone on the phone how ludicrous it is to page a surgeon at 6:15 for something as silly as Tylenol, and thinks the only conceivable explanation for the call is that the caller has a “crush on him”. I guess McEgo’s Mc-“me”-ti-tasking is contagious … Moby says into the phone that he’s flattered and then snidely “thank you … goodbye” before hanging up. Behind him, Jane, aka Sara Gilbert, aka Darlene from Roseanne, sits up and asks who it was. Moby dismissively says that it was this new ICU nurse, who’s useless and someone needs to “show her the ropes”. Darlene asks “Did you say … ropes?”, and turns away, picking up latex strips and turning back to show them to Moby. Looks like they are in the “on call” room … Though considering what they were obviously just up to, it’s probably more like the “booty call” room … Darlene starts tying Moby’s hands behind him and he sort of half-heartedly complains that he has to “round” soon. Darlene “FYI” ‘s him that this is her last night in the call room. Moby thinks the prosthetic lab could be fun. Maybe you should talk to Luka, because he was the Marquis de la Supply Closet up in radiology when he and UTI mom got it on in one in Walk Like a Man back in Season 9, even though Abby insisted to Susan that Neuro’s much more cozy … Susan!!! … Oh, I still miss Susan … and Sherry Stringfield … and her hair … Darlene tells Moby that they are “through with hospital kink” and that they’re staying at his place next time. Moby starts to protest, but Darlene cuts him off as she starts wrapping an ace bandage around his head, covering his eyes, “I know, I know … You have no bed … You sleep on the couch … You’re sink is clogged …”. Darlene’s done with his pathetic excusing that he works all the time and his place is a rathole … He lives with McEgo??? … Moby, now just a street hockey ball away from fodder for Pulp Fiction‘s The Gimp, is all “What???” Darlene tells him that he’s going to clean up his apartment and buy a proper bed, today. Moby starts to protest that just because she wants to stay at his place …, but Darlene’s had it and tells him that it’s been three months and he needs to upgrade the sleeping arrangements, “Or you will be punished”, which makes Moby go all anticipatively “Ooooh …” Darlene asks him if he understands and he noddingly smiles, “Yeah …”

Luka and Abby are walking towards the ER, through the snow-flurries in the Ambulance Bay. Luka's got his arms crossed in front of him, huddled a bit and looking chilled, but Abby's got her coat open, wearing a shirt that looks very similar to the one she wore in on her first date with Luka in Benton Backwards where we found out she grew up in Minnesota, so I guess that's her Midwest-cold-imperviousness thing showing again … Unless Luka opened it and they were like up against the ambulance that just happens to be following them in or something … In which case, I’m sure he was just trying to keep his hands warm … Bitch … What, are you two tired of the Hairdresser and her Shampoo Boy games, and now you have to play Ice Queen and her Human Melting Rod? … Bitch … Abby's sporting a lopsided grin as he's telling her "It's tradition … a symbol". Abby drolly replies, "Yeah … a symbol of the wedding industrial complex", which makes Luka tilt his head back a bit and raise his eyebrows in pseudo surprise as he smiles and shakes his head at her, and she looks at him, teasingly grinning. Smiling, she tells him "No, I'll wear a ring", then insists that she wants to wear a ring as they move through the doors. As she walks ahead of him, she says, tongue-in-cheek, "You just have to abide by my ring policy". He looks after her all cutely confused, like "what the hell's she up to now?", as he asks "Your 'ring policy'?"

He follows her into the Lounge, as Abby heads towards her locker, explaining, "Yeah … If one of us loses our wedding ring, we replace the ring immediately and give the new ring full status". Luka asks her mockingly as he moves towards his own locker, "You gonna lose it?" Abby opens her locker and starts putting her stuff away, telling him "Well, I don't know … If something happens to the ring and everybody freaks out … Like the marriage is doomed". What, is Abby expecting something to happen to the ring? … I mean, since it is snowing, I suppose it could be kind of conceivable that they could possibly engage in a snowball fight with their co-workers … In which some random snowball just happens to hit her left hand … Thereby knocking the ring off … where it then proceeds to hit the ground … then roll down a sewage drain … Hopefully, some nice sewer workers would be able to retrieve it … Thus saving the marriage from impending doom … At least for a while … Removing his coat, Luka looks over at her like "You're kidding, right?" Going to put her own coat away, Abby stops, noticing his look, then smiles wryly and facetiously concedes, "But a simple gold band would be very nice". Hee. Luka gestures towards her before hanging up his jacket, and banters back, "Now we're getting somewhere". Abby grins at him then hangs up her coat. The bulletin board next to her has signs tacked on it that say "Happy Inside" and "Natural High". Considering how playful Abby and Luka are being, those signs, coupled with the fact that the long sleeved grey shirt she’s wearing really does look like the one she wore on their first date … which, of course, just ended so well … are such clear indications that Abby's just settling for what’s available as she awaits the return of her true love, and true love's first Smirk … There’s also a sign that says “Dream Job”, and I must say that Maura Tierney so does have that if she gets to be in the profoundly proximal presence of that preponderance of perfect Prettiness on a daily basis … Bitch … Abby pulls out her lab coat, asking Luka if he thinks they should make an announcement or just tell people individually and let it "trickle out" as she puts it on. Grabbing his own lab coat, Luka hesitates a second, then asks "Uh … Is it alright if we wait a while?" Surprised, probably because she’s usually the one that doesn’t want people to know stuff, Abby questions, "Really? Why?" Donning his white jacket, Luka thinks that when you tell people that you're getting married, they start asking a million questions about a wedding. As he goes to toss his stethoscope around his neck, he looks at her, shrugs, and says earnestly, "And marriage is not about … wedding". Putting some pens in her pocket, Abby gives him an impish, mock serious look as she facetiously teases him "Like it's not about … ring". Hee. Luka, who was reaching onto the shelf in his locker, turns to look at her over his shoulder, all pretend affronted by her cheekily spoofing his command of English syntax, then grins as he turns to her and says, arms open in a sort of "can we do it my way" plea, "Let's just … enjoy this for a while … the two of us … okay?" Abby agrees, "That's fine" as she closes her locker and puts on her ID badge, "A secret engagement will be fun". Luka looks over at her, not quite sure if she's serious or not … Hee … Their jesting repartee was very cute … They're obviously enjoying each other and the fact that they're engaged … Bitch …

Abby heads towards Admit, with Luka, hands behind his back, close behind her. He’s watching her as they walk. Judging from the “I-know-something-you-don’t-know” self-satisfied smirks they’re both sporting, I’m thinking they may have been up to more than just the ice thawing against the ambulance and may have been into some seriously steamy greedy gurney grappling inside the rig … If the ambulance is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’ … Bitch … Pratt is handing out charts to Ray and Darlene as Luka walks past them, and heads over to the computer. Pratt smiles, saying, “Dr. Kovac returns … Good seein’ you, man”. Luka smiles and nods, “You too”. Ray, who to the delight of my mother has thankfully shaved the much dreaded pornstache he had going on for way too long, welcomes Luka back, telling him it was weird there without him. Is this Luka’s first day back to work after his horrifying horrendously harsh hand hashing in Murmurs of the Heart? It’s not bandaged anymore, so it must be healed, though that’s really not very likely considering how catastrophically crunched it was, is it? But since The Pretty is grinning so prettily, apparently happy to be able to be back at work, I guess I’m once again going to have to ignore the continual continuity counterfactual consistency … Luka moves to pick up a chart as we hear a rumbling noise and Abby, who is standing behind him, next to Malik, looks up and asks “What’s that?” Malik tells her that a rat died in the air vent. What’s McEgo doing crawling around in the ceilings? Malik says that there’s a cleaning crew up there. I hope they’ve had their shots … And that he’s not going to poke his little head out when it’s quiet and have people feeding him potato chips … or fig newtons … Because doesn’t anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague? … Darlene comes up to Luka, who is grabbing a pen out of his pocket to write on the chart, and asks “Hey, did you really squash your own hand in a vise?”, as Luka just stares at her with a “You did not just ask me that” look. Hearing Darlene’s question, Abby whips her head around to watch this exchange, looking a bit concerned. Darlene, evidently all into the infliction of pain, is all excitedly “I mean, just … Wow … that’s …”. The doors buzz and Olbes the Paramedic is leading in a gurney, with a guy in a knit cap lying on it, and yells, “We need a doc here”. Abby, seizing the opportunity, calls over to Darlene, “Jane, why don’t we take this?”, then gives Luka a solidarity smirk before heading to meet the gurney. Olbes tells her that she’s got a 35 year old with uncontrollable seizures as I see that the guy on the stretcher is … Andy Dick!!! … I LOVE him … He’s a total freak, but a totally freakin’ funny freak, at that … He was also on NewsRadio opposite Maura Tierney. He played “radio talker person” Matthew Brock, the man who once fell asleep at his desk for 36 straight hours, who missed three days of work because he thought one of his cats was on the verge of learning to speak, who once tried to check himself into a rehab clinic because he thought he was addicted to computer solitaire, who once ate so much sugar that he got on the air and screamed “I’ve alive!” before he passed out and slammed his head off the mixing board … He also played his Flowers for Algernon-esque intelligent incarnation, “Smart Matthew” or Smatthew. It’s really going to be great to see them work together again. Since Khandi Alexander’s already been on this show as Benton’s sister Jackie, I’d soooooo love to see Dave Foley, Vicki Lewis and Stephen Root show up, too. Joe Rogan was all into the crunchy cockroach chewing on Fear Factor, so don’t know that he’d be up for the scenery chewing as well. And Smatthew is totally wearing Dwight Shrute glasses. As an orderly walks by, Smatthew grabs his arm and tells him to take the bus because something bad is going to happen on the El today. Abby comes up to the gurney and Smatthew touches her arm as he tells her that he upped his meds, but the seizures won’t stop. Darlene tells him that he’s not seizing now, but Smatthew, moving his hands around in front of his face, says “Yes … yes, I am …” then tells Abby that two milligrams of Ativan should take care of it. Putting on gloves, Abby says “Sir”, which is funny to hear her say to Smatthew, because I’m really just expecting to hear her tell him “I cannot go into it now, but it is very important that you do not strip nude in front of the Efficiency Expert. She tells him “Oh, look! Matthew’s naked in the office again”, and that he’s sitting up and talking to her, so he’s not having a seizure. Preoccupied, Smatthew keeps looking up. Getting a little anxious, he tells her “If you think there is one iota of ambition in my nakedness, then you severely underestimate me” … and asks “Can we not stop here?” Darlene tells him that they are about to transfer him, but he still asks for them to just move him back. Abby asks him to be patient, and points over to the Curtain Area, starting to tell him that’s where they’re taking him, but a highly agitated Smatthew shouts “Move me now, please!”, grabbing Abby’s arm and dragging her with him as he shifts his body, moving the gurney. Abby tries to calm him “Alright … alright” and they push the gurney where he wants it while he just keeps staring at the ceiling. As they get away from where they were standing, a huge piece of some kind of metal machinery comes crashing out of the ceiling, landing on the spot where they had been. They all flinch, staring at it in shock as it sparks. Smatthew glances away from Darlene over to Abby with a “See? Satisfied now?” look. Abby looks from him over to where they would have been flattened with a “WTF?” expression as we go to funky opening graphic montage …

Walking out into the Ambulance Bay to wait on a rig, Sam bitches to McEgo that Lily is sick, Chuny is on vacation, and the rest of them are doing doubles trying to cover all their shifts, adding “This is why nurses quit and burn out”. McEgo commiserates, saying that the shortage just keeps getting worse and asks her about her “boy Ben”, aka Kip Pardue, who played Sunshine in Return of the Titans. Sam says that he was lured to a hospital in Minneapolis that was offering new cars to nurses willing to stay six months. Damn, Sam. Guess you’re not all that if you got forked for a Ford … McEgo asks if she’s “cool” with that and Sam asks “What, that I got left for a Camry?” Ooh, you didn’t say it was a Toyota, Sam … Then, I’m so with you on being bodaciously brainy, bailing on the batty blah blondette, Sunshine. Smooth move. Sam apparently thinks so, too, because she tells McEgo that she can’t blame him because it’s “good gig” – since she’d so surely sellout Sunshine if that had been offered to her. They move to help unload the ambulance that’s just come in and Harms the Paramedic tells them that they have Anna Hayes, 39, vomiting and altered mental status, as some teenage kid jumps out of the back of the rig. Harms says that she’s tachy to 120, sat’s 92 on room air. Sam asks Teen Kid if this is his mom and he says she is and that he could barely wake her up this morning. McEgo introduces himself to the patient, who’s played by … Sean Young, who herself is a freak, but not in the funny ha-ha way of Andy Dick, but in the funny stalker/crazy-bitch way. Sean asks for them to just take her home, but McEgo tells her that she needs oxygen and fluids. Teen Kid asks if she’ll be alright and Sean tries to assure him that she’s fine. Sam tells her that she’s not fine – she’s severely dehydrated and they’re going to help her with that as they start to move the gurney towards the ER. They’re almost to the doors when a cop, who’s just pulled his car into the Bay, calls out to Sam. She tells them that Trauma One is open and she’ll be right in, as she heads over towards the officer. She says all friendly, “Hey, Jeff … What’s up?” He opens the back door to his squad car and tells her that he thinks they have something that belongs to her as Splinter gets out. Oh, of course he does. Better get used to that sight, Sam. Sam asks what happened, but Splinter, doing his best impression of … well … himself …, just stands there woodenly staring away.

Behind Abby in the Curtain Area, cordoned off by yellow and black tape, the mangled metal is loaded on a pallet, as a forklift starts to haul it way. Abby watches it as she tells Smatthew that they’re going to get him hooked up. Darlene puts an oxygen cannula in his nose, but he pushes it away, then tries to remove the wires from Abby’s hands as he tells them that they’re not going to need those things. Abby’s all sarcastic “No?” as he points to his head and says that these are “temporal lobe seizures” and that he never has any cardiac or respiratory symptoms. Darlene tells him that they’ll just hook him up to be safe. With an ironic tone, he says “If you haven’t noticed, my seizures are … unusual?” Abby watches him with an “Uh huh” look as he tells them that he gets “Hunches, premonitions … that sort of thing”. Darlene smirks and raises her eyebrows at him tolerantly. Smatthew, all friendliness, says “Nothing ever shows up on the heart monitor!” Abby gives him a drawn out “I see”. He puts his right hand to his head saying, “Oh, here comes another one …” Abby watches him curiously as he says “I’m sensing … bacon and eggs”. He looks over towards the kid in the bed next to him, who at that moment, leans forward, upchucking some quite lovely yellow stuff into a basin. Yuck. Smatthew’s all proud of himself, and in a “ta da” voice, says, “There you go!”, then gets pissy as he asks Abby, “So can you just give me the Ativan and I’ll be out of your hair”. Abby, not impressed with The Great Karnak’s show, tells him that she thinks anybody could have made that prediction. Smatthew, all conciliatory, says, “Look, I know it looks like I’m just making this stuff up”, then stage-whispers, “so I can … get drugs …”, but insists that’s not what’s going on, as Abby looks at him with a doubtful “sure it’s not” expression. Smatthew asks her to call his neurologist, claiming “He’ll back me up”.

Sam and Splinter are in the hallway, Jeff the Cop standing a little away from them but watching Sam laying the parental smackdown with interest. Sam asks Splinter if he got what he wanted – a couple bags of quarters. Well, I don’t know, Sam. Last time I cashed in a “couple bags of quarters” it ended up equaling a couple hundred dollars. Well, they were big bags. Sam tells him that he could be in jail right now. Splinter insists that it’s not “anything like they’re saying”. Sam tells him that “Officer Greenberg” is going to take him home and she is going to call him every half hour. Through gritted teeth she warns, “You don’t answer that phone, we got a problem”. Splinter protests that it’s not his fault, but Sam just disgustedly replies “Of course it’s not … It never is”. Splinter begs her to listen to him, but Sam’s fed up with the excuses and drags him over to “Officer Greenberg” as she says that she has to go back to work and she’ll talk to him tonight. Sam thanks “Jeff” and heads into Trauma Yellow, where they’ve taken Sean, as I notice Sam is wearing her Dollar Store gold clip to hold up her dishrag-esque hair. McEgo asks Sam about what’s up with Splinter and she tells him that Splinter “knocked off a Laundromat near his school”. Nice, Splinter. The fluff-n-fold didn’t work well enough for you? McEgo’s all impressed “Ahhh”. Wait, isn’t McEgo just a McIntern? Isn’t he supposed to be supervised? Because there are no other doctors in on this trauma – no Resident, no Attending. But I guess I shouldn’t question it since he is who he is - the Heir Apparent, Crown Prince, Second Coming of the Almighty, All Ego, All Asshole, Superhuman, Super Smirky, Super Doc, Carter. Sean pleads with Teen Kid that she’ll get better faster at home, but he tells her that she’s sick and they’re not leaving, explaining to Sam and McEgo that Sean hates hospitals. Actually, Teen Kid, I think it’s because she’s seen this show before so realizes that she’s completely fucked because the walls of this room are yellow, not green. McEgo’s all putting on the McCharm as he explains that this is County and it’s nice here, you get organic food, massage, and they have “ice sculptures”. Really? Does that mean the trio of completely chilly C’s – Chen, Cleo and Corday – are back??? McEgo tells her that she’s going to love it here, but given Sean’s distressed look, she’s either nauseated by the sugar-coating, or she smells McEgo’s McCologne – Eau de Rancid Roadkill. McEgo tells Sam that Sean needs coag’s because she’s oozing around the needle. Sean tells Teen Kid that when he was four years old, their neighbor fell off a ladder and they brought him here to County. Teen Kid asks “Mr. Mattson?” and Sean gripes that he was such a grouch and was always yelling at Teen Kid and his brother that they were playing too loud, then is all smiling at the memory of how when Teen Kid found out nasty neighbor was sick, he wanted to visit him. Sam tells McEgo that the sat’s only 84, adding “She needs access, Gates”. McEgo McBitches at her that he’s trying. He says he’ll try one more time, then go central. Sean still having the memories light the corners of her mind as she tells Teen Kid how he stood up on his chair and stuck his favorite toy turtle in bed with Mean Mr. Mattson. His favorite toy turtle? So he had amassed stuffed amphibians, too? Maybe you’d like to meet Luka and Abby’s son, Mongo Joe Kovac, and his frog collection, Teen Kid … As Sean’s misty, water-colored memories are now into how Teen Kid said that anybody who was sick needed a toy turtle, Sam and McEgo exchange glares. Oooh, I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Sean, and since I so totally rock, can I have a Squirt doll? Teen Kid, who must be mistaking their pissiness at each other as derision for his random act of aquatic animal allocations, tells them that Sean is making it up. Sean’s memories may be beautiful and yet … she’s not done embarrassing her child, as she smilingly tells him that she’s made a lot of mistakes. Oh, you mean dressing up like Catwoman and harassing Tim Burton? And let’s not forget that whole nuisance of the James Woods debacle … though you missed your chance at catching him on this show by about a year I guess what’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget, eh, Sean? Sean tells Teen Kid that he was the one thing she got right. McEgo gets McAccess and tells Sam to get the fluids up. McEgo notices Sam’s down demeanor and asks if she’s okay, and she unconvincingly tells him “yeah”.

A rather buff looking Dubenko, dressed in a form fitting, pec preening grey t-shirt with the blue surgical scrub pants and carrying a take-out coffee in one hand and a yoga mat under the other arm, approaches Neela. He greets her and asks if she’s ready to round. Neela’s a bit flustered, probably because Dubenko’s looking quite studly and since she’s already involved in a geometric formation with Ray and The Ego, she’s hoping to avoid adding another side to the shape. I’d rethink that if I were you, Neela. Not only is Lucien looking lovely, but the Dubla shipper name is way better than being associated with a virus like Egola … Though I guess it’s not a good idea since I’m sure there’s a rule that there can only be a single supervisor-sleeping-with-subordinate storyline at a time on this show, and Abby’s already got that one … Bitch … Neela’s hastily writing on charts as she starts stammering with the excuses how she needs five more minutes because she overslept and how she never oversleeps and how the rabies vaccine really does make you sleepy … She then quickly changes the subject, asking him if that’s a yoga mat he’s carrying or is he just happy to see her … He tells her that there’s an Ashtanga class in the Anesthesia conference room and she should check it out. He tells her that he’ll see her at the Nurses’ Station in five minutes as he heads off down the hallway. Neela takes her chart and pushes open a door to greet a couple of patients in ward beds – one of whom is Manish. Neela all shocked when she sees him. He says “hi” and tells a sickly looking girl in the other bed that Neela’s the doctor he was telling her about. Sick Girl says “hi” and that her name is Emily and she’s heard a lot about Neela. Neela asks Manish what he’s doing there and he stutters a bit so Sick Girl fills in “Saving my life”. Manish tells Neela that he was giving a talk about the Paired Exchange Program at a dialysis center in Evanston and Sick Girl interrupts that Manish was really impressive and gave them all hope. Manish says that there were all these people there, just waiting and suffering and it inspired him as a doubting Neela asks “To donate your kidney? You ran screaming from the Blood Drive”. Oh, I’m with you on that, Manish. The things they try to pass off as donuts to the donors are truly terrifying … Manish says that he was moved by their stories. Neela’s a bit suspicious and says that they worked together every day for the past month and she wants to know why he never said anything. Manish guesses that he thought he’d chicken out. Sick Girl says that she’s been on dialysis for six years and on the UNOS list for five. Then all starry-eyed with hero worship, Sick Girl goes on “I’d just about given up when … boom … Manish walks into my life”. Manish says that he got tested and it turned out that he’s a good match. Neela says “Wow”, but more in a still disbelieving way rather than being impressed. Sick Girl thinks it’s amazing and like something right out of a movie as both she and Manish smile proudly at a “I’m-not-quite-sure-what-to-make-of-this” Neela.

Luka, now in on Sean’s trauma, looks at the chart and asks McEgo what her differential is. And I must say, especially given your playfulness and apparent ambulance interlude with Abby this morning … bitch … I’d expected something better in terms of wardrobe from you today, Luka. At least something in the Luka Blue family. That shirt you’re wearing, while it is blue, is just waaaay too dark, and with that maroon tie? I guess maybe you had your wash at that Laundromat that Splinter knocked over and that’s why you had to resort to wearing just any old thing from your closet. Maybe you and Abby should take a break from the Hair Salon and play Laundress and her Human Washboard … Bitch … McEgo tells him that infectious hepatitis is at the “top of his list” and says that he sent viral titers. Luka thinks that’s good and asks “What else?” McEgo McYada yadas about some kind of renal syndrome, vascular disorder, autoimmune … whatever. Luka’s in the room now, so who cares about McEgo? Besides himself, of course … When McEgo gets to “alcoholic hepatitis”, Teen Kid protests that his mom doesn’t drink. Sam assures him that they are just running through the possibilities and hands Luka a sheet, saying that Darlene’s tibial fracture has compartment syndrome and that Ortho is MIA. McEgo asks “What about toxic ingestions?” Sam says that the tox screen is negative. Luka tells McEgo to get a CT, and to notify Nephrology and GI. As he heads out, Luka touches Sam’s arm, telling her “Sam, come with me". Oooh, Luka, you’d better watch it with touching the trailer trash … though I guess I should change that to former trailer trash, now that she’s “I’m so trying to turn my life around but my delinquent kid, Ganja Growing Gaudy Grandma, anger management issues, limp hairstyle and dark roots that I seemingly can’t be bothered to cover just won’t let me move on up from the mobile home park” trash. After they leave, McEgo asks Sean if there’s anyone else she wants to be there. Sean says that her other son’s at work, and asks McEgo not to bother him. McEgo thinks he should be there and asks if he’s close. Teen Kid says that his brother’s the repair guy over at Begley’s appliances and that Sean works there, too. Sean insists that it’s just the stomach flu and tells them “Don’t bother Nick”. McEgo thinks it’s a little more serious then that, and obviously wanting to get rid of Teen Kid, tells him to go out to the Front Desk and the clerk will help him call his brother. Sean reassures him, “It’s alright, honey, go”. Sean admonishes McEgo for scaring Teen Kid. McEgo looks at her levelly and tells her that she’s in acute liver failure and that this is a little scary. Sean doesn’t respond to this, so McEgo asks if she heard what he said, adding that this is serious and she tells him “Oh, so’s your breath” ... Well, at least in my head she did … McEgo tells her she could die. Sean says quietly, “I heard you”. McEgo asks if she has any questions, but she just shakes her head, answering “no”, He gives her what is supposed to be his best “I’m such a concerned doctor” face, but is really just a “I simply can’t believe she’s not so awestruck by my mere nearness that she’s lost all capacity for rational thought and speech, and that she wouldn’t just want me to explain things thoroughly just to have the pleasure of hearing my melodic vocal utterances and to be dazzled by the divinity of my bedside manner” to go along with his internal monologue of “I'm wanted, I'm hot, I'm everything you're not … I'm pretty, I'm cool, I dominate the school … I'm rockin', I smile, And many think I'm vile …”

As they’re coming down the steps towards the ER, Neela is telling a now properly work attired Dubenko that Manish nearly fainted the other day when she was drawing blood and now he’s giving his kidney to someone he barely just met. She asks “Isn’t that a little strange?” He thinks that everyone goes through some kind of a mini-life crisis in their twenties and that Manish is apart from his family, unattached, unsure about career, and that he’s drifting, looking for purpose. Neela’s doesn’t look so sure and Dubenko tells her that some donate kidneys, while “Others end up working at the Jumbo Mart”. Hee. She looks at him in surprise, probably because she’s really hoping he didn’t see her with serving up the slurpees in the Lady Liberty headband thingy, as he returns her look with a raised eyebrow one of his own, saying “Who are we to judge?” Moby comes up, bitching at Neela that she’s supposed to be covering the Post-Op floor and asks if she’s done with all the dressing changes. She’s all sheepishly “Not all of them …” as Dubenko makes a hasty exit, telling them that he’ll leave them to work it out and he’ll be in Curtain Three. Neela watches him walk away like “Oh, gee, thanks for the support”. Moby “shoo” ‘s her back upstairs and heads over to Admit. Behind his back, Neela rolls her eyes and shoots him looks as Darlene comes up and dumps a chart in front of him, all snippily asking “What is this?” Moby plays dumb and says “A consult note”. Darlene harshly reminds him “I said ‘black ink’ today … Only black”, then asks him what color he wrote in. Moby puts on a “My bad” all innocent fake sorry expression, holding his blue pen to his lips as he says “Hmm … blue … Ooops”. Darlene swipes the pen out of his hand and gives him a look of “I understand you have underwear up your ass right now, but it beats the hell out of a shattered skull. Think about it” look before she storms away, leaving Moby to make an “Oh, I’ve been such a bad, bad boy … I need to be punished” face before moving in the other direction.

McEgo is at the computer and calls out “Hey, Mayday … How’s it going?” to Neela as she walks by. She comes over and starts in with the griping that her Attending thinks she’s a complete idiot, and that Moby’s “back to being a little bitch”. Hee. McEgo’s paying no attention to her answer, probably because she obviously forgot herself and who she was talking to and didn’t mention him at all. McEgo’s McPreoccupied with what he’s looking at on the screen, because one man’s computer solitaire is another man’s bread and butter. He asks Neela if most hepatic toxins take a few days to destroy the liver and she says “yeah”. He thinks that theoretically, you could trash your liver and by the time you become symptomatic, the toxins couldn’t be detected in the blood, and Neela supposes that could happen. McEgo jumps up from the chair, tells her he’ll page her later, and rushes down the hall.

McEgo heads into Trauma 1. He sits down next to Sean and asks what a young healthy woman like her is doing with liver failure. Smiling, she comes back at him “Aren’t you the Doctor?” Well, yes, Sean, according to his own self-praising puffery, he is THE Doctor … He says that she has a family, forty good years ahead of her, yet when he told her she might die, she hardly reacted. Sean thinks that we all have our own way of dealing with bad news. McEgo’s not buying it and tells her that he used to be a paramedic for 10 years before he became a doctor and that young, healthy patients, no matter how “religious, mellow or zen” they were, don’t want to die. Sean just looks at him as he says that something kicks in, instinct. She smiles again and says that maybe she’s just been too tired to cry. McEgo thinks she seems depressed, probably because anyone who is so blasé in his presumptively pompous phenomenally praiseworthy presence simply must be suffering from some sort of diminished capacity. Sean starts chuckling as she looks away from him. McEgo rolls the stool he is sitting on closer to her and says “Let’s say someone wanted to kill themselves without anyone knowing that it was suicide …” He gets his face close to hers, most likely wanting to overwhelm her with his strikingly supercilious scruffy superiority, and tells her that there’s a whole class of chemicals that can damage the liver just days after they are ingested. Sean, not wanting to hear this, and not wanting to be so close to the roadkill, even if there is less of it than usual, pleads that she just wants to go to sleep now. But McEgo’s McRolling so he goes on about “fuels and solvents found in refrigerators, dryers, cleaning products … Stuff you’d have access to everyday at your job” as the Suspenseful Strident Sounds of Completely Conceited Cocky CSI Wannabe’s plays. He holds Sean’s gaze for a moment, but she doesn’t give in. He stands up, begging her to tell him what she took because her sons deserve to have her around. Sean disputes this, saying that they’re all grown up now. McEgo knows that he’s right about this. Of course he is. He keeps at her “Propane, kerosene, carbon tetrachloride … What? Tell me …” Sean smiles a little sadly, then gives him what he wants, “I hear that if you mix it with juice it’s got quite a kick”. Oh, man. McEgo stares at her, with an expression which, as shocking and incredible as it is, looks almost like he can’t really believe that he actually got her to admit it. Sam walks in and asks if everything’s okay. Just then, Sean’s monitors start beeping crazily and she loses consciousness.

Ray and Abby are walking back into the Ambulance Bay after having gotten coffee at Jumbo Mart. Ray asks her if everything’s back to normal with her and Luka. Smiling happily about the secret she’s keeping, Abby answers “Uh … I don’t know that I’d say ‘normal’, but they’re good”. Of course they are … Bitch … A short school bus beeps as it passes them into the Bay. Abby asks him “How’s things with you and …”, hesitatingly drawing out the “and” a little like she doesn’t really remember Ray’s girlfriend’s name before finally coming up with it, “… Katie?” Ray tells her they’re great, but in a tone that definitely doth protest too much. Abby picks up on that and asks, “But ….?” Ray covers, “But nothing … She’s awesome”, as the cast from Bring It On start jumping off the Creekdale High School bus, saying that their friend is hurt and asking them to help. A couple of them are supporting another girl who’s asking for them not to move so fast, and they bitch at her “Come on, you’re tough”. Sounding in pain, the girl asks them not to make her walk, as Abby tells the others to “give her a break”. Abby calls for a gurney as Ray takes over supporting Pain Girl. A red-headed woman in a blue track suit asks Ray, “Are you a doctor?”, and Abby answers “We both are”. Ray asks what happened and Big Red tells him that they were doing a formation called Layer Cake as Ray and Abby lift Pain Girl onto the gurney. One of the cheerleaders proudly tells them that most schools do three layers but they do five. Another Valley-Girl’s that “Tasha” fell all the way from the top. Yikes. No wonder you’re in pain, Pain Girl. Abby asks, “Wow … Four layer fall, huh?” They start to move Pain Girl’s gurney as Big Red tells them that she needs “this kiddo” back in action for the Great Lakes Regionals. Jeez, Big Red. I think it may just have been your ambition that broke Pain Girl, really, and it wasn’t the angle in which she slammed to the ground …

They’re shocking Sean’s heart, but she’s still in v-tach. McEgo does CPR as Luka works the ambu-bag. Sam’s on the phone and tells McEgo that she’s got Poison Control on the line and he tells her to put this on speakerphone. Confused, Luka asks what this is about. Sam starts to explain, and McEgo says loudly enough for the phone people to hear that it’s a possible carbon tetrachloride overdose, with liver and kidney failure. Annoyed, Luka asks “Why the hell didn’t you say anything about this before?” and not looking at him, McEgo says that it’s just a hunch. Luka grabs the lab sheet as Phone Voice asks when the exposure occurred, but McEgo answers that it’s unclear. A ticked off Luka says that it’s too late, there’s nothing to offer except supportive measures. McEgo’s looks at him like “What???” and repeats “Nothing to offer?” Luka says that if it’s carbon tet, the damage to the liver’s already been done. Phone Voice concurs, “I’m afraid that’s right. Cell death is irreversible at this point”. Damn, that so sucks, Sean. Still doing compressions, McEgo calls “Alright … Thanks” and the phone hangs up. Sam takes over CPR for him. Luka calls for another hundred of lido. He confronts McEgo, “Why weren’t we told the patient history?” McEgo, in a dismissive tone, says that it wasn’t sure, she didn’t fully admit it. He calls out that he’s charging to 360. Luka asks where her son went and McEgo says that he’s out at the Front Desk trying to get a hold of his brother. Sam thinks he’d better find him fast. McEgo calls “clear” and then shocks Sean again.

Neela’s walking down the hall with the still hospital-gowned Manish, telling him that she doesn’t think she could do something like this for a stranger. She thinks that maybe it bothers her because he can. Manish says that Sick Girl’s parents are too old to be donors and she’s getting sicker every day, and says that Neela would have done the same thing, but she doesn’t think so. She tells him that he’s a better person, but he insists that he’s not. Neela says that she’d be too worried about time loss from work, complications, and if she’s out of commission does her love triangle move on to the next female in the credits … She says that she doesn’t mean to be negative but that he has to at least consider the possibility of bleeding or infection. He says that he’s considered it, that they’ve all considered it and that it’s “covered”. Neela questions that, “Covered?” He just looks at her and doesn’t say anything. Getting it, she starts to shake her head, “Manish …”, and he tries to tell her that it wasn’t his intent, it wasn’t why he agreed, but that they offered. Neela scowls at him “Manish, no!” and he says that they insisted. He asks her to just listen, saying that at first he refused, but then he started thinking about what $50,000 could do for his family. Neela can’t believe this and starts to walk away, telling him to stop because she doesn’t want to hear anymore. He stays with her, explaining that when he was 14, his parents sent him here to live with a distant cousin and that he went to school, learned English, played baseball while his sister sewed shirts for $2 a day in Mumbai. Neela understands that he feels guilty, but he says with $50,000 he could hire an immigration lawyer and could get his whole family over here and that his parents could get proper healthcare and his sisters could get a proper education. He excuses that Sick Girl’s family is wealthy and it’s no hardship for them as Neela looks like she’s about to be ill. He wants to know “So, why not?” Because she’s apparently never been on eBay, she forcefully comes back at him “Because people don’t sell their body parts in this country … Period!” She goes on that he could put the whole transplant program in jeopardy. He doesn’t think anyone needs to know, but Neela tells him “But I know, Manish”, and they stare at each other for a moment. Neela can’t understand why he told her, but thinks that if he needs to clear his conscience, she can’t help him there. He thinks she of all people would understand, but she says she doesn’t and she kind of resents the assumption that she should, as her pager starts going off. As she heads to the elevator she says “You can’t do this, Manish … I’m sorry.”

In Trauma Green with Pain Girl, Ray says there are no deformities, no step-off as Abby ultrasounds the belly and the cheerleaders do what cheerleaders do best – make pests of themselves by being in everybody’s way. Twits. Valley Girl Cheerleader Valley-Girl’s how they have this one cheer and it’s so cool and it’s called “Paper Dolls”, as Another Twit says it’s their signature formation, and Yet Another Twit, standing by Pain Girl’s feet says that it’s live a “college-level routine”. Abby and Ray channel me, and because we call could so care less, ignore the Twats … I mean “Twits”. An annoyed Dawn the nurse pushes Yet Another Twit out of the way so she can get to the table and tell Abby that the pulse is in the 120’s and the hemocue is dropping. Abby says that would be because she’s bleeding into her belly. An inappropriately chipper Big Red chimes in that they have the All Cheer Regionals coming up next week and she’s been driving them too hard. Valley Girl Valley-girl’s that the outside flyers have their outside hand in this half-Y and the other hand grabs hold of the middle flyer. Abby and Ray continue with their uncanny impersonation of me and tune out the Twits. Pain Girl says “that’s me” and Yet Another Twit tells Abby, who mistakenly looks in that direction, that the ending really killer. Abby, as opposite of cheerleader-y as she can possibly be, unenthusiastically drones, “Sounds great”. Ray asks for a liter of warm saline wide open and to call for O-neg, as he takes the ultrasound from Abby and puts it aside. Abby tells Dawn to make sure that Surgery knows to get down here. Hearing that, Big Red finally works up enough concern to “Oh my God” it and question “Surgery?” Valley Girl complains that if they don’t have a middle flyer for the competition, they are so screwed. Abby makes them step away from the table so she can get better access for her exam, saying “Watch it, girls”. Ray thinks they should worry less about the competition and more about their friend. Why aren’t they kicking those kids out of there? Shouldn’t only family members, or a “responsible” adult in lieu thereof, be the only ones allowed in a trauma? And these half-wit twits are totally in the way. Why isn’t Abby fed up and throwing them out of the room, like she normally would in the face of such annoyance? I guess she’s just a little too preoccupied and pleased with herself about her Pretty engagement to issue one of her patented pissy smackdowns … Bitch … Yet Another Twit just gives Ray a “yeah, right” smirk as she plays with Pain Girl’s black-painted toenails. Dawn says that she’ll get the rapid infuser and heads into Trauma Yellow.

Sam is still doing CPR and Luka is bagging. How come they haven’t switched? Is his hand still bothering him so that he can’t do compressions? Since they are supposed to do them like a hundred beats per minute repeatedly now, that might be the case. Dawn asks if they have any warm saline. Huh? I thought she went in there to get the rapid infuser? Jeez, can’t we at least keep up with the continuity in the same scene, ER? Sam, obviously having spent too much time at the Mambo Mansion with her former employer, the Mambo Mumbler, mumbles something that I don’t catch and really don’t care to try to figure out. Luka’s speaking now anyway, so who the hell cares about what Sam and her rooster-ified sloppy hairdo utter? Looking at a printout, Luka says “Okay … 7.2” and calls for an amp of D-50 and 10 units of insulin. Sounding a little out of breath, Sam says that Sean’s nose is bleeding and Luka tells her that the coag’s are through the roof, but makes no move to take over compressions for her, which is really weird unless it’s because of the hand thing. McEgo comes in with Teen Kid and some sullen looking guy. Teen Kid is all upset, saying that Sean wasn’t like this when he left. Sam breathless says that Sean’s condition changed quickly, as McEgo relieves her and starts doing the CPR. He tells Teen Kid that without a functioning liver, toxins start to accumulate in the blood. Luka explains that Sean’s in an abnormal heart rhythm and she isn’t getting enough blood to her brain and body. Looking at them sympathetically, he says that they’re doing CPR and giving her medications but she’s just not responding. Teen Kid wants to know if they can’t just do something to fix Sean’s liver, but McEgo says that once the cells have died, there’s little they can do. Sullen Guy sullenly asks “So is this it, or what?” Luka tells them that they’re breathing and compressing her heart for her, but that their mother’s body is shutting down as Sullen Guy strangely nods acceptingly. Teen Kid looks horrified. McEgo asks them if there’s anything they want to say to their mom. Teen Kid comes over to the table and yells “No, Mom! Okay? This isn’t happening!”, then pleading with her not to go. McEgo McWhispers to Luka, “One more round for the kids?” Looking a bit unkempt with his top button unbuttoned underneath the maroon tie and a bad batch of bangs hanging in his face, which is proof enough that the Hair Salon is in hiatus while they’re deciding whether to role-play from Lord of the Rings or Top Secret! … Bitch … Luka nods as he looks over at Sean’s sons compassionately. Teen Kid begs them not to let her die. McEgo asks Sam to take over the compressions. Again, it’s just kind of weird because it’s glaringly obvious that Luka’s not taking a turn, yet there’s no mention of why. McEgo gets the paddles, calls “clear”, then is about to shock Sean when Sam tells him to wait because Sean has a post. Surprised, Luka, Sam and McEgo look over at the monitor and McEgo says “sinus rhythm”. Luka lusciously licks his lips, then glances around with a “oh, this is so not good” look. Sullen Guy doesn’t understand and asks if she’s dying or not. McEgo says that her heart is beating, but her brain was deprived of oxygen for a long time. Listening to Sean’s chest with a steth, Luka adds that it’s very lucky that she suffered serious brain injury. Sullen Guy nastily snots, “Wow … She can’t even die right”. Damn. Sullen Guy’s a real asshat. Luka, Sam and McEgo all shoot a “you’re a total shit” look over at Asshat Guy.

Abby and Neela are standing a little away from Pain Girl’s gurney, with their backs to it. Abby is filling Neela in on Pain Girl’s condition, saying that her pressure’s stabilized after two liters, but her crit’s still dropping, adding under her breath “and did I mention that I hate cheerleaders”. Hee. Neela deadpans “I hate clowns”. Oh, after seeing the mini-series of Stephen King’s It with Tim Curry being freakily clown garbed, and not in a good way like the sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania, I am so with you on the coulrophobia, Neela. Dawn chimes in “I heard Gates was afraid of folk singers” and they all start chuckling. Hee. Guess I won’t be seeing you at the next Mitch & Mickey or New Main Street Singers concert, huh, McEgo? ‘Cause you know, a mighty wind’s a blowin’, it’s kickin’ up the sand, it’s blowin’ out a message to every woman, child and man … I guess you’re just a Loco man … crazy … but you got a plan … Doin’ just because you can … Yeah, you loco … like ice cold cocoa … Moby is saying that Pain Girl has two plus guarding with rebound on the left that could be a splenic rupture, then calls over to Neela to make sure that she’s writing it down and she replies pointedly “Yes, Dr. Crenshaw … I am”. Abby asks her “How do you stand this …?” Neela says she doesn’t know, and that she’s like a battered child, “I just keep coming back for more”. Yikes. How thoroughly P.C. of you, Neela … Except, I thought that was Luka … You know, living on the second floor? … Upstairs from you? … I think you’ve seen him before … Abby gives her look, then heads out. Moby tells them that to bring Pain Girl up to whatever OR is open and that Dr. Dubenko will meet them there. Big Red tells the Twits that Pain Girl is going to surgery now and for everyone to say goodbye and wish her luck. Valley Girl, not surprisingly, is insincerely sorry that Pain Girl needs surgery. Yet Another Twit then lets her know that this is not a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy and she’s overruling her. Then becoming a cheer-tator, tells her “But you should know that we will have to replace you for All Cheer”. Pain Girl looks distressed because she thinks her entire cheerleading career has been a lie … so she asks for her mom, which the Twits titter about, because they put the “itch” in bitch. Ray bitches at them that Pain Girl sacrificed her spleen for them and they should show some respect. They of course laugh some more at this as they cheer in their minds “We cheer and we lead, We act like we're on speed … You hate us 'cause we're beautiful … Well we don't like you either … We're cheerleaders, We are cheerleaders” … Which really just means that they put the “whore” in “horrifying” … As they wheel Pain Girl out, Neela tries to reassure her that everything’s going to be okay and she’ll explain everything as they go. Pain Girl wants to know if she’s going to have a big scar, but Neela tells her, “Not if we can help it”.

Out in the hallway, Asshat Guy is pushing Teen Kid and saying “Let me tell you something about Mom …”, but Teen Kid doesn’t want to hear it, insisting that Sean isn’t going to die. Asshat Guy thinks this was the best idea that Sean’s had in a long time. Oh, you mean since before she thought doing Even Cowgirls Get the Blues would be a good career move? McEgo overhears this and thinks that Asshat Guy doesn’t mean that because “this is your mother we’re talking about”. Asshat Guy doesn’t think McEgo knows the first thing about his mother but McEgo says that he knows that Sean’s barely alive and that they should be in there with her rather than out there fighting in the hall. All attitude, Asshat Guy shrugs and says flatly, “Sorry, I just don’t care”. A crying Teen Kid wants to know why Asshat Guy hates her so much, because he thinks that ever since their dad died, all Sean’s done is tried to make them happy. Asshat Guy comes back at him “By gambling on the Internet all day?” Oh, I know how you feel, Sean. Those online slots games are addictive and so much more trustworthy and above-board than the one-armed bandits in the casinos … Teen Kid thinks that it “relaxes” Sean, because running up the debt on your high interest rate credit cards on a daily basis is just so serenely satisfying … Asshat Guy yells at him to shut up. Asshat Guy explains to McEgo that Sean started out doing a few dollars a day on poker and by the end of the year, she had lost everything. McEgo nods like he’s trying to be sympathetic but really just looks blocked up. You know, maybe you should stop eating, McEgo. You see, when you skip a meal, your body feeds off its fat stores. And if you skip enough, maybe your body will eat your ass … McEgo Dr. McPhil’s, “She has a problem”. Asshat Guy continues that when they stopped giving her credit, Sean took out more cards in their name and racked up more debt. He shouts at Teen Kid, “$80,000, Evan! We gotta live with that now!” Yikes. Teen Kid insists that Sean was trying to get help. Asshat Guy pushes him and yells for him to stop making excuses for Sean. Asshat Guy tells Teen Kid that the house is in foreclosure and that next week he’ll be homeless. Teen Kid doesn’t know what to say to that, so he just glares at the Asshat. McEgo tells them that Sean may be screwed up, but she’s their mother. Asshat Guy doesn’t think that’s good enough and walks away.

Ray and Neela are in the elevator with Pain Girl, taking her up to Surgery. Neela asks Ray if she can get his advice on something and he tells her “of course”. She launches into this hypothetical schpiel about knowing a really nice person who’s about to do a really bad thing, but the bad thing had really good consequences for a bunch of people. Ray looks at her for a second, then shaking his head and grinning, tells her “You don’t need my advice”. Neela thinks she does. But because Ray knows her as well as he does, he says that she has this “ethical alarm system hardwired into your brain, that makes you a self-righteous pain-in-the-ass …”. Hee. And so true. But looking at her affectionately, tells her sincerely, “But that’s one of the best things about you”. Neela tells him the big “but” – if she tells what she knows, it’s going to mess things up for a whole bunch of people. Ray thinks that they’ll get over it. Neela thinks that it will be a major betrayal, but Ray tells her “Do the right thing, Neela … that’s all I’m saying”. Oh, I’m with you on that, Ray. C’mon, Neela, don’t put the “duh” in dumb, do the right thing … Give up being a necrophiliapediobeastophile, reject the McReject, and get your Boogie Nights on with the former McPornstache.

The elevator arrives at the Surgical Floor, and they wheel Pain Girl out into the hall. She asks if this is where she’s having her operation and Neela explains that the OR’s are straight ahead. Pain Girl tells them that she’s scared, but Neela assures her that they’ll take good care of her. Pain Girl complains about her stomach, and Ray tells her that they’ll get her more pain medication when they get to pre-Op. Pain Girl says that’s not it, and Neela asks if it’s her mom, and promises her that they won’t start until Mrs. Pain Girl gets there. Pain Girl confesses that she didn’t fall from the top of formation. Ray and Neela stop and look at her, confused, and Ray asks “You didn’t?” Crying a little, Pain Girl tells them that the other girls did this to her. Oh no. Ray and Neela exchange looks as we head to commercial.

Pain Girl is in the OR. Neela is scrubbing up and explaining to Dubenko that new cheerleaders are forced to submit to ten minutes in the equipment closet in their gym and the “newbie” has to just take it while her teammates do whatever they want. Dubenko shakes his head at this assfoolery. Neela tells him that Pain Girl got kicked in the stomach until she started coughing up blood. Yikes. Sorry, new girl, guess nobody hit your buzzer. What, did you make the mistake of telling them “OK, so I never cheered before. So what? What about doing something that actually requires neurons”, or something? Dubenko trusts that the authorities have been notified and Neela tells him that Ray’s on it. Dubenko thinks that’s good. Neela looks over at him, hesitates a moment, then tells him that there is something else she needs to talk to him about. He tells her to go ahead, but OR Shirley comes up and knocks on the window, signaling him that Pain Girl’s prepped. Dubenko asks Neela if it can wait, but she doesn’t think so. He tells her that it’s going to have to because his cases are completely back up. Neela doesn’t look to happy about this as he tells her “Let’s go”.

Walking towards an Exam Room, a smirking Abby spots Luka and tells him in a playful tone, “Oh, Dr. Kovac … You really must see this” as she pushes open the door, inclining her head for him to follow her. He looks at her questioningly but she just smiles as she walks into the room and he enters behind her. She walks over to a bed and pulls back the curtain, revealing a robed, bespectacled, Pentagram wearing, junior-high-science-teacher resembling couple, with their hands tied together with multi-colored ropes. Abby introduces them as “Fred and Brenda”, though they really look more like Uncle Fester and Velma. And not the Linda Cardellini-ized Velma, either. Abby’s holding what looks like tree-pruning clippers, just a lot smaller. Did she borrow them from Sam? Abby explains that they’re experiencing neurovascular symptoms after a “handfasting” ceremony, and gives Luka an amused grin. Luka asks “A what?” As Abby starts to snip some of the ropes, Velma fills him in that it’s a Wiccan wedding. Hee. I’ve actually been to one of those. Of course, they didn’t wear robes … or anything at all for that matter … good thing the groom looked more like George Clooney than George Costanza … like Fester does … and it was a chilly day … so shrinkage was definitely in play … don’t think I’d have been into seeing Fester and Velma in the buff … No offense … Just really, thank God … or since it’s Wicca I guess that should be “Blessed be” … that they’ve got the robes on. They’re so not the Charmed ones … But, seriously, let me just tell you … Those Wiccans can party … Velma tells them that the guests bound their wrists with cords as Abby looks over her shoulder at Luka with a “So, what do you think about that one?” wry grin. Fester chimes in that it’s where the expression “tie the knot” came from. Yeah, and you are so where the expression “He loves nature, in spite of what it did to him” came from, Fester. Luka gives an “okay, gotcha” nod and watches as Abby keeps cutting. Having a difficult time getting through them, she complains that these ropes are really strong. Fester says that they’re braided to be tough, and looking at Velma all lovingly says, “Like our marriage bond”. Abby raises her eyebrows and nods, then looks over at Luka, who glances quickly over at her and then back at Velma, who’s saying that the regular scissors didn’t work and the knots were too tight to undo. Not sounding all that blissfully happy anymore, Velma bitches that she can’t feel her fingers and Fester gripes that he can’t move his thumb. Abby asks whether a Wiccan ceremony is recognized by the state, but a vexed Velma tells her that they have to get married at the courthouse so she can put Fester on her insurance. Luka nods at this and leans down a little to get a better look at the ties that bind. Fester says that the state doesn’t recognize them because they don’t believe in mating for life. Really, Fester? Just how many other glasses-wearing middle-school-teaching Velma’s do you expect to find out there outside of the Lilith Fair? With a “Really?” inflection, Abby is all “Oh, you don’t?”, then looks over at Luka with a “hmm … that’s not such a bad idea” jesting shrug. Hee. Abby is evidently completely tickled by this whole scenario. Rocking back and forth on his heels, Luka, gives her little grin, because he knows there’s no way in hell she’d ever find better deep conditioning treatments than the ones her Shampoo Boy gives her … Bitch … Velma tells them that they are betrothed for one year and one day, and Fester adds “to be reevaluated at the end of that period”. Abby’s still looking at Luka with a mischievous smile before turning back to Fester and Velma and saying in an ironic tone, “Yeah, well it does seem like ‘till death’ is kind of extreme. Hee. The totally ribbing looking on her face when she said that was really funny. Fester thinks it’s just Judeo-Christian bullcrap, to which Abby purses her lips and nods in a conceding “oh sure, well there you go” way. Hee. Luka tilts his chin at this and proclaims “I don’t think so”, which causes Fester and Velma to look over at him like “say what?” Luka explains, gesturing between himself and Abby, “We’re getting married …”, which causes Abby to look over at him, surprised, and he continues “… and all those things are on our minds”. He looks over at Abby, realizes what he just said, blushes, looks down, and not able to contain his smile, says quietly, “Sorry … it’s just … slipped out”. Awww. How cute is he??? He’s so obviously totally excited by the prospect of them getting married, and even though it was his idea to keep it quiet, he just couldn’t help himself and had to reveal it. Abby’s finally cut through all the bindings and lays them on Fester’s and Velma’s laps, but is so flustered by Luka’s inadvertent announcement, that she stammers, “Uh … okay … Well … I guess … um … alright … why don’t … uh … I’ll be right back. … okay”, and she heads out. Luka, with his hands behind his back and still grinning, follows her. In the hallway, she turns around to give him a smiling but “I can’t believe you just did that” incredulous look as he gazes back at her, biting his lip with a “yeah, I know I did, but I don’t care” smile. She confronts him with a teasing, “What, the first people we tell are strangers?”, and he shrugs, still smiling, as she goes on, grinning and gesturing towards the Exam Room with the clippers, “Wiccans?” Hee. Luka shrugs again and tells her “I just felt like saying it”. Awww. They really are totally adorable. And so clearly loving all this, and each other … Bitch … Ray comes up and asks Abby if she’s seen Big Red. Abby says that she’s outside practicing with the girls. Ray heads off, leaving Abby and Luka grinning like mad at each other. Still smiling, Luka raises his eyebrows and goes to head down the hall just as Abby moves to go back into the Exam Room, and in what looks like it had to have been an unscripted mistake, they almost collide. Abby gives a little “oops” and they side step each other before continuing on in opposite directions, each still wearing huge grins. Very cute scene and I really just love how affectionately playful Abby and Luka have been with each other this episode … Bitch …

McEgo’s explains to Asshat Guy that when tissues are deprived of oxygen for too long they produce acid, so they’re giving Sean medicine for that. Asshat Guy nods. Looking in at Sean, he asks McEgo how long she can live like that. McEgo says that it could be weeks or months and that it’s hard to tell. Asshat Guy tries to clarify, “But it’s just a matter of time, right?” He thinks that if McEgo wants to help them, then “Don’t prolong this”. McEgo says that Sean’s not suffering. Asshat Guy complains that Teen Kid and he are going to have to be responsible for her because they’re the only close family she has, and claims that it’s “too much”. McEgo understands and says that Social Work will call Asshat Guy and that they have programs and there’s a support group. Asshat Guy dismissively tells him “Please, we’ve been through enough”, and turns his attention back to looking at Sean. McEgo nods at this, and goes back into the trauma room. Sam tells him that Sean’s been having runs of v-tach and he tells her to forget the lido drip. Sam asks him if he wants something different, but he doesn’t know why they should prolong the inevitable. Sam thinks that’s not his call to make. He tells her to come on, they both know how this ends and why put Sean’s sons through it. Sam protests that Sean’s a full code and that they don’t know the extent of her injuries. McEgo comes back at her that they gave Sean CPR for 40 minutes and that her brain is fried. Oh, you mean like mine is from having to watch you infest this show and infect Neela the whole season, McContagion? Sean’s monitor starts beeping and Sam says “Another run of 10”. Malik comes in and tells Sam that “her little raver” is having a reaction to haldol. I thought Sam sent Splinter home? McEgo tells her to go, Sam tells him that the lido’s hanging and if Sean has another run, to start the drip. McEgo nods, but from the look on his face, it’s clear that he has no intention of doing that. Sam leaves and McEgo watches Sean. When her monitors start going again, he sighs, slowly lays the chart he was holding down on Sean’s legs, and moves over to turn off the lido drip, silencing the alarm. Uh oh. Moving like my twins when I try to get them dressed for school in the morning, McEgo McLeisurely strolls over to the phone. Sounding as bored as I am with his storyline, he monotones into the phone to page Dr. Kovac to trauma one and to tell him that his patient has coded. Continuing with his McNonchalance, he slowly moves the crash cart over to the side of Sean’s gurney and parks it. Then he stands on a stool and starts half-heartedly compressing Sean’s chest. Oh, that’s nice, McEthicallyChallenged. You and Neela are just sooooo made for each other …

Out in the Ambulance Bay, the cheerleaders are McCheering, serenading all around them with “Guess What … Guess What … You really SUCK! … That's all right … That's OK! … You're gonna pump our gas someday! …That's all right ..That's OK! …You're gonna pump our gas someday!” Big Red’s on the phone bitching to someone about how she heard what happened last year and her “girls” are not staying in the same motel as the football team. A determined Ray comes out and tells her that he needs to speak with her about Pain Girl. Big Red asks if she’s okay and Ray tells her to get off the phone. Big Red tells whoever she’s talking to that she’ll call them back and hangs up. Ray stares at her and tells her that Pain Girl’s injuries weren’t caused by a fall. Fake smiling, Big Red doesn’t know what he could possibly mean, because she saw Pain Girl hit the ground. Ray tells her that Pain Girl was forced into a closet and then she was beaten by the other girls. Big Red’s all mock shocked, “What? My girls would never …” but Ray’s had enough of her crap and tells her not to do this and that Pain Girl knows that Big Red knows. I know, Pain Girl. You know I know. I know you know I know. We know Big Red knows, and Big Red knows we know it. Big Red tries to tell Ray that it’s not what he thinks and that Pain Girl is sensitive and never really fit in with the others and excuses that what Pain Girl is referring to is just a little “team building exercise”, because nothing says teamwork quite like a good old fashioned ass whoopin’. Hmmm … I think Luka’s ER staff could use some team building … and I know just who’s McAss needs to be McKicked … Just saying … Ray bitches at her that it’s not little that they ripped open Pain Girl’s spleen and he definitely wouldn’t consider that “team building”. Like it’s a good excuse for sadistic torture rituals, which is really what cheerleading is all about, Big Red informs him that her girls are Regional Champions, and that she had just finished giving them the big pep talk of “I am a choreographer. That's what I do. You are cheerleaders. Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded. What you do is a tiny, pathetic subset of dancing. I will attempt to turn your robotic routines into poetry, written with the human body. Follow me, or perish, sweater monkeys”. Big Red claims that they’re under a lot of pressure, because coordinating cheerleading practice with getting your slut on under the bleachers with the football players takes some serious time management skills … Hey, Deej, you’re all into the multi-tasking. I think you may have found a career path … Ray just scoffs and points her to a couple of police officers walking towards them ans says, “Why don’t you just save the excuses for these guys?” He heads back in with an air of “I don't know what's scarier, neurotic cheerleaders or the pressure to win. I could make a killing selling something like Diet Prozac” … leaving Big Red, big dead. I don’t even think The Perfect Cheer could save you at this point, Big Red. "Mess him up! Mess him up! We don't care! There's a big red ambulance right over there! Stitch him up and check his pulse, Get 'em a bed pan! The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian! Hook 'em up, Let 'em drip, Die!"

Back in Trauma Yellow, McEgo is making a McShow of actually doing the CPR because now Luka, Sam and Teen Kid are in the room. Teen Kid is again pleading with Sean not to go. Luka, who is working the ambu-bag again, pushes Teen Kid out of the way with his left hand, because Teen Kid is in the way. Luka orders another mig of epi. Sam’s charged the paddles to 360 and says “clear”, then shocks Sean. No change and Luka tells McEgo to resume compressions. Teen Kid stares disbelievingly at what’s happening as we see Asshat Guy over his shoulder, watching through the doors. In a low voice, Luka asks McEgo what he was thinking and wants to know why McEgo didn’t talk to him. McEgo claims that lido wasn’t going to change the outcome and he thought Luka would agree. Luka shakes his head disgustedly as Sam tells McEgo, “Yeah, well, we work together here, Gates”, then goes to shock Sean again, shooting a glare at McEgo before she does. Monitor still reads asytole and McEgo looks over towards Asshat Guy in the hall, who has started to walk away. McEgo stops compressions, jumps down and heads towards the doors, saying that he’ll be right back. Luka yells after him that he can’t leave in the middle of a code. McEgo keeps going, saying that the kids should be in here. An incredulous Luka shouts “Gates!!!”

McEgo enters into the hallway and walks over to Asshat Guy. He tells Asshat that he knows that he’s angry “and I know you got screwed” . Did you, Asshat Guy? Damn, those cheerleaders will just do anybody, won’t they? What, did you ask them “Hey, ladies … wanna see my “spirit stick”? McEgo’s all McSympathetic about how their dad died and their mom messed up and how it isn’t fair, and McBooFuckingHoo … Asshat Guy agrees “No, it isn’t”. McEgo tells him that his mom is dying and that he knows Asshat Guy cares, because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be out here sulking in the hall. McEgo leads him back to the room and getting all McParental, tells him “Now, you go in there and you forgive your mother right now”. Asshat Guy looks into the room to see Sam once again doing CPR while Luka does the bagging. Asshat Guy tells McEgo that he can’t. McEgo McLevels with him that he has one shot to be with his mother while she’s dying. Asshat Guy looks back into the room, contemplating. Luka tells Sam to hold compressions and he looks back at the monitor, which is in flatline. Unhooking the ambu-bag, Luka shakes his head, then looks over at Teen Kid, giving him a quiet, “I’m sorry”. Teen Kid kneels down next to Sean as Luka and Sam sadly watch. Asshat Guy, realizing it’s over, sighs, and with head down, walks away leaving McEgo there to McRuminate.

Dubenko and Neela are walking out of the Recovery Room where Pain Girl is doing fine. Dubenko tells Neela in his best NBC Heroes announcer voice, “Save the cheerleader … save the world”. Hee. As they walk, Neela tells “Lucien” that she still needs to talk to him about “that thing”. He tells her to make it quick because Manish is on the table and everyone’s waiting. Neela informs him how that’s what it’s about and proceeds to say how Manish was paid for his kidney. Dubenko thinks that’s ridiculous, because Manish knows better. Neela insists that it’s true and that Manish told her. Dubenko says that Manish was screened by Psych and they would have picked this up. County’s Psych department, Lucien??? You’ve got to be shitting me … Especially since the one continuity thing ER has gotten right through the years is the ineptitude of their Psych Department … With the exception of Abby’s stellar psych rotation back in Season 10, of course … Neela tells him that it’s wrong and it could jeopardize the whole transplant program. Dubenko, sounding more than a little pissy as he goes to scrub in, tells Neela that “just as an exercise” to consider that there are over 65,000 people on the UNOS list waiting for kidneys and wants to know if they can really rely on voluntary altruism to solve the problem. Not understanding, Neela wants to know what he’s saying. Dubenko explains that when someone donates a kidney, the recipient obviously benefits, hospitals make money, surgeons get paid, and the donor that gives up a kidney gets flowers and a handshake, and asks her “Am I right?” Shocked, Neela asks, “Are you kidding?” Dubenko thinks that there are so many sick people, so many organs, so why not let market forces sort out the imbalance? Wow, is Dubenko really going to show that he’s just as much of an asshole as every surgeon who’s ever been on this show? Jeez … Neela can’t believe this and comes back at him that people aren’t commodities and we don’t live in a world where it’s right for rich people to buy body parts from those less fortunate. Hello, Neela, didn’t I explain eBay to you earlier? A snotty Dubenko says that it’s legal to rent out your uterus. Really? You can go to Rent-A-Center and pick up a uterus? Huh … And here I thought they only rented power tools and champagne fountains ... Dubenko adds that you can harvest your eggs for money and get paid to donate sperm. Hmmm … Hey, Mr. Cranky, maybe we can go to Disney World this year after all … Dubenko asks how this is different. He says that all he knows is that a dying girl is going to get a new kidney today. Neela wants to know what happens to the 65,000 others who can’t afford to buy one. Dubenko just looks at her, then over at Manish in the OR. Did she get to him? Throwing down the stuff he was scrubbing with, Dubenko walks purposively into the operating theatre. OR Shirley spots him and says that the ancef will be ready to run soon. Dubenko goes over to Manish’s gurney, and leaning on the rails, asks him “Quick question … Why are you doing this?”, as Manish looks over at Neela, wondering what she told Dubenko. Glancing at Neela before answering, Manish plays cheerleader … I mean, “dumb”, and is all “Excuse me?”, so Dubenko repeats the question. Giving Neela a “thanks a lot, bitch” look, Manish lies that he guesses he’s been inspired by the work they do there. Looking him in the eye, Dubenko asks leadingly, “And you would never dream of jeopardizing everything by doing something stupid and illegal, would you?” Manish keeps pretending, “What are you talking about?” Fed up with his playacting, Neela says forcefully, “You know exactly what he’s talking about”. Manish holds her look for a second, before turning his gaze to Dubenko, who is still staring at him. Manish, acting like he’s coming clean, says that Sick Girl wanted to give him money, but he turned her down after talking to Neela. Knowing he’s lying, Neela looks away as he keeps going on that money was never part of the reason that he wanted to do any of this. Neela tells Dubenko that Manish is just saying what he knows Dubenko needs to hear. Manish counters this, telling Dubenko that Neela’s obviously made up her mind about him and he doesn’t know what else to say. Dubenko thinks that’s enough and heads out, telling Neela that they need to go scrub. Neela stays where she is and tells him “No”. He turns to look at her as she tells him that she won’t be a part of this. Dubenko stares at her, really pissed. With an acid tone, he tells OR Shirley to call Moby and tell him to find a surgeon “who actually wants to operate” as he glowers at Neela. Before he turns to leave, he dismisses her angrily, “You can get out of here, Neela … Now”, then exits, leaving Neela to watch after him, distressed for what this might do for her career and disappointed by the actions of someone she had really admired.

Dawn is wheeling some kid with a splint on his leg to the Curtain Area while Pratt walks beside them, carrying what looks like a small nightstand that has glass panes for sides, one of them broken. Splint Kid is explaining that the tornado was hard to see against the background, so he painted it black and he was going to put some lights in the bottom, but he ran out of time. Pratt thinks that should look really cool as they put Splint Kid in the spot next to Smatthew, who’s watching all this. Pratt asks Sam to help him place the nightstand thingy on the table. Splint Kid says that he fell down the stairs at school and it broke. Dawn chuckles and tells him that it’s not the only thing he broke. Splint Kid says that he knows he broke his tibula and his fibula and asks a smiling Pratt if he can fix it fast. Pratt says that he can fix him up in about an hour and Splint Kid bitches “An hour??? I’ll never have time to finish my tornado before the end of the Science Fair!” Sam asks Splint Kid if he knows that casts give off heat when they’re hardening. Oh, I can think of some other things that give off heat when they’re hardening, too, Sam … Just saying … Splint Kid didn’t know that and Sam tells him that it’s called an “exothermic reaction”, which can be explained in the chemical equation: Reactants → Products + Energy, or in more layman’s … with emphasis on the lay … terms, Repletion → Pretty + Enter Me … Sam thinks it could make a pretty good science project. Well, I’m kind of shy and not really into exhibitionism, Sam … but what the hell, anything for education, right? Splint Kid gets all excited about the prospect of The Pretty, which I am so with you on Splint Kid. He asks Sam if she can help him make it. Hey, watch it, Splint Kid. Unless you want to be known as Body Cast Kid, you’d best not be encouraging Sam into any kind of heat producing with The Pretty. Sam smiles and says that she’ll get the stuff.

As Sam walks towards Admit, she passes Abby, who hands her something and asks, “Sam, can you dispose of the rest of that Ativan, please?” Sam says sure and takes it as Abby heads over to Smatthew. She says “hi”, which he returns. Pulling gloves out her pocket, Abby asks if he’s fixin’ for another homo-erotic fantasy on the Big Muddy … then she sits down on the stool next to his bed, and as she’s pulling on the gloves, says that she talked to his neurologist and got quite an earful about “temporal lobe epilepsy”. She tells him that it’s “interesting stuff” and he responds “Well, I told you I was the ‘real deal’ “. With Bill McNeal, Smatthew? I loved that program … Because we really do need to stop listening to our radios, and start listening to our hearts … The Brock Report was good, too … Seriously, you were so right. Why don’t people smile more? A recent survey shows that 80% of Americans never ever smile. These people need to go jail. In the happy 20% though are my two special cats, Chew Chew Bonewagon and Mit Mit St. Claire … Whuttup guys?!?!? … Abby gives him an “Mmm hmm”. She tells him that he’s half-naked and he replies “An optimist would say I’m half-dressed” … Actually, she asks if he has any last words of psychic wisdom before she medicates him and severs his ties with the paranormal … He tells her that he sees her destiny as one of wealth, and that he sees an astounding rise to fortune and that it will begin very soon. She’s all impressed because that’s completely true – she was pre-approved for a new credit card … Hesitating a second before beginning, Smatthew tells her that he sees great things for her in the year to come. She’s not looking at him as she flicks a needle, getting ready to inject him. She squeezes the needle to release any air bubbles and some of the fluid as he continues that she will struggle to balance home and career. As she leans in to give him his shot, Abby looks up at him, “That’s it?”, and he says “yeah”. She chuckles as she’s about to put the needle in and says “That’s the most generic fortune I’ve ever heard”. Smatthew looks at her a moment, then leans in and asks …”Are you Doobie Keebler?” … Abby’s concentrating on where she’s giving the injection as Smatthew says in her ear, “And you should really invite your dad to the wedding”. Wow. Abby takes this in for a second before looking up with a surprised “Did you just say what I think you said?” look. Looking away, Smatthew shrugs and says “I’m just sayin’ …” Abby blinks and stares at him with a “How the hell could he possibly know about that?” expression and wondering if he got to sit at the cool table in high school …

Teen Kid and Asshat Guy are in Trauma Yellow with Sean while McEgo stands at the door, watching them. Luka walks up and addresses him “Gates?” but McEgo doesn’t turn around. Apparently not happy about something, Luka asks him “Can you explain this, please?” McEgo doesn’t bother to face him and replies offhandedly, “Explain what?” Luka wants to know why McEgo wrote “idiopathic liver failure” on Sean’s death certificate worksheet because it should be carbon tetrachloride ingestion. McEgo, arrogantly still not turning, claims that Sean never really admitted it straight out and that they don’t know what really happened. Luka tells him that he can’t withhold information whenever it suits him and what Sean told him needs to be part of the medical record. Finally turning around, McEgo, disgustedly dismissive, tells Luka that if they document suicidality then life insurance won’t pay. McEgo doesn’t see what the harm is in saying that it’s a natural death. Looking around, Luka lowers his voice and tells McEgo flat out that the harm is that it’s unethical and it’s insurance fraud. McEgo McScoffs at this and tells Luka “Oh, c’mon … Insurance companies screw people over every chance they get” and wants to know why those kids should be punished for the rest of their lives because of something their mother did. Luka looks at him gravely and says “Gates, I’m worried about you”. McEgo doesn’t think Luka has to be, and says that he’s alright. Luka corrects his misassumption of concern by explaining forcefully, “No, I’m worried about your ability to do this job”. Ooh, I’m feeling a way overdue decidedly delightful dominatingly delicious disciplinary dressing down finally about to be let loose by the Luscious on the perennially pompous pretentiously presumptive preposterously portentuous putrid prick. I can’t wait. I’m so glad I have a big screen TV … and HD … and Surround Sound … All I need is some popcorn so I can sit back and enjoy this properly … McEgo McSneers as Luka goes on “… and it’s too bad because you’re good …”. Oh, Luka. I know that there was evidently a memo that McEgo is the new McCarter and as such must have his McAss McKissed in every episode, but, please ER … Can we not pollute The Pretty by propelling pitifully piss-poor phony proclamations praising revoltingly repugnant repellent reptilian reprobate roadkill? Ugh. Getting his managerial groove on yet still maintaining propriety by keeping his voice down so as not to draw attention to the smackdown that I’m so hoping he’s about inflict, like I so would do by channeling Sam and McScreeching at McEgo like a McHowler monkey, Luka goes on, “But … you lie and you think nothing of it”. McEgo McThinks that it’s not McLying if we don’t know for sure. McEgo superciliously tells Luka, “Now, c’mon, let their mother do this one last thing for them”. But Luka’s not buying it. He shakes his head, pushes the death certificate against McEgo’s chest and tells him in a tone of supervisory finality, “I’m not going to let you lie for them, Gates”, and walks away. McEgo McGlowers after him, disbelieving that Luka, his superior in every way except assholishness … for that they’d have to bring back Carter --- which is so not an invitation, ER … did not bow down to McEgo’s McKnow-it-all-edness McAltruistic McDoctoring. McEgo’s McPissed and storms away, walking into Dawn, who was coming to get him to sign a discharge, doesn’t McApologize and just waves her off that he’ll do it later. He McCrumples up the worksheet and McLitters on the floor as he strides purposefully towards the elevators. He starts McPounding on the elevator button, because he’s too McImpatient to McWait.

The scene switches to Neela, with her coat on, pushes the elevator door on the Surgical Floor, then McEgo, getting on the McElevator. As the door closes behind him, alone on the elevator, he McLeans on the wall, passes his hand over his face, then unable to control the McAnger, punches the side, before turning and leaning against it, McOutraged. Back to Neela, who’s leaning on the inside of her elevator, lost in thought.

Moby and Darlene are staring intently at a computer on the Surgical Floor as we hear an elevator ding, then the doors open and McEgo McExits. McEgo calls over to Darlene, and she and Moby quickly turn around, hiding what’s on the screen. Oh, they must either be on eBay or YouTube, because that’s the exact same posture I have to take whenever my boss comes into my office … McEgo asks Darlene if she’s seen Neela and Moby fills him in that Dubenko sent her home early. McEgo says “oh”, then starts to walk away when Darlene says unnecessarily that she just had to wheel an appy up from the ER in case he was wondering. McEgo stops and looks at them McSuspiciously and asks “Wondering what?” Darlene and Moby try to look innocent and she explains to McEgo that she means why she’s there. McEgo gives them an “Oh, okay” McLook, then only tells Darlene “goodnight”, totally McDissing Moby. Nice, McEgo. When he’s gone, Darlene and Moby turn back to the computer, where a website selling beds and mattresses is displayed. Darlene says “King-sized, rod-iron frame … The rest is up to you”, then leaves Moby there to raise his eyebrows at the screen.

Abby and Luka are about to leave for the night, Abby’s wearing her jacket and Luka’s finishing putting his scarf on and is about to put on his coat. They’re walking in the hallway towards Admit as Neela comes up and asks them if they’ve seen McEgo around. Abby says “Not in a while” as they keep walking. Neela tells them to “have a good one” and heads in the opposite direction. Abby, looking a little disturbed, asks Luka if he thinks that she chased away her father too fast. I guess that she’s told him about meeting the patient that she’d been worried about and whom Luka had been jealous of in A House Divided, and finding out that he was her long lost, deadbeat dad. Getting his coat on, Luka tells her honestly “No”, but she’s still not sure and thinks that maybe she should have at least listened to what he had to say. Luka thinks that she could call him, and she says that she tried as Luka looks over and sees Teen Kid and Asshat Guy walking behind the gurney moving Sean’s body to the morgue. Abby tells Luka that her dad’s checked out of his hotel and the number he gave her in Texas has been disconnected. Still looking over at Sean’s entourage, Luka stops and tells Abby that he just needs a minute to check something, then heads towards Admit, leaving Abby to ruminate over whether she’s done enough to try to find her father who had reached out to her.

Luka walks up to Admit and asks Malik whether he still has the chart on “Anna Hayes”, which is really funny to hear him say since that’s actually the name of one of my aunts and I hadn’t paid attention before to what Sean’s character’s name really was until The Pretty uttered it … Malik raises his eyebrows and bitches at him “You think I memorize the name of every patient that comes through here?” Luka starts to write on some paperwork as we see Abby in the background behind him, arms folded and looking over at him, waiting. Luka tells Malik that he means the woman who died of liver failure and explains that he forgot to do some paperwork for the death certificate. As Malik goes to find the chart and Ray walks up to Admit, Luka starts writing on some green-colored paper. He puts in Sean’s name as Malik hands him the chart. Ray asks Luka how his first day back went. Luka says “Just like riding a bike” as he removes the Death Certificate that says “Liver Failure: Suspected Toxic Ingestion” from Sean’s file. Abby checks her watch worriedly, and moving a little closer to him, says in a “you kind of need to hurry up” voice, “Luka, I told Miranda we’d be home by 8:00”. Still writing on the chart, Luka tells Abby, “Coming”, and she walks out into the Waiting Area. On the new sheet, Luka writes, “Liver Failure of Unknown Etiology”, then signs his name to it. Damn, since it’s Luka’s name on the death certificate now, I’m really hoping this doesn’t come back to bite him … If there’s going to be any Pretty ass-biting, it’s going to from me … Just saying … He hands the chart back to Malik and tells him “Good night”, before heading out to Abby.

Neela walks up to where Ray’s standing at the desk and says “hey”. He asks her how it went with her “little secret”. She tells him it went terribly, worse than expected. On the bright side, she tells him that Pain Girl did well though. Ray fills her in that the police are interviewing the whole squad as well as Big Red. Oh, come on, Police, Big Red ran the show, they were just flying ignorami, for sobbing out loud. Big Red's a bitch, we all know that! Even she knows that! Ray asks Neela if she’s getting off soon. Now, that’s a bit personal, Ray. And more than a bit nauseating, if she’s getting her rabid fender food on … Ugh … When she says she is, he asks if she wants to grab a beer. She blows him off, saying that it sounds good, but she’s got some dictation to do. Oh, I really so don’t need to know whose dick she’s tating … Neither does Ray, who gets what’s she’s up to and tells her that it’s okay, and they’ll do it another time. Neela walks away, leaving Ray to shake his head.

McEgo is walking out of the Ambulance Bay as Asshat Guy is walking back from Jumbo Mart, carrying some coffees. McEgo’s surprised that Asshat is still there, but Asshat tells him that their uncle drove in from Ann Arbor and wanted to see Sean. McEgo tells him that he’s sorry for their loss. Strangely all friendly now, Asshat Guy says that he never got to thank McEgo for everything he did. McEgo McFalseModestly says that it’s his job. Asshat Guy tells him that he really helped them. McEgo McNods at him, then says goodnight, heading for the El platform. Asshat calls after him, “You know, she knew it was the only way out”. Oh shit. He goes on that it had to look natural so they’d get the insurance money, as McEgo turns around to McStare at him. Looking satisfied with himself, Asshat Guy says that he found some old solvent at the store. McEgo walks back towards him, not McBelieving what he is McHearing and asks “You helped her???” Almost grinning, Asshat says that he left out a bottle. Taking a swig of his coffee, he tells McEgo, “At least she finally got something right”. Wow. Asshat Guy isn’t just an ass-hat, he’s an ass-assin … Saluting him with his cup, Asshat Assasin says cheerfully, “Goodnight, doctor”, leaving McEgo to McMarvel in his tremendous McStupidity.

Splinter is birching … I mean “bitching”, at Sam to leaf … sorry, “leave”, him alone. Sam yells at him that he can’t break and steal things and that he knows that. Wait a minute … Where the hell are they? Wasn’t Sam’s apartment pretty much wrecked in the fire? It doesn’t look like they’re in a motel or anything, so did they find another place already? Weird. I’m sure there’ll be no explanation. Sam thinks if Splinter does that, he’s going to end up on the wrong track. Too late, Sam. Splinter was on the wrong track since birth. Actually, since fertilization, considering you and your sleazy ex Steve are his progenitors. So basically, Splinter was pretty much fucked when you were, Sam. Splinter, actually becoming a real boy for a moment, shouts at her “Mom, you’re not in my head, okay?!?” Damn good thing for you, too, Sam … Even with a soundtrack, subtitles and some groovy graphics, photosynthesis is still not very interesting to watch … Splinter tells her that she doesn’t know what happened. Well, first, Splinter, the sun has to shine. Considering the Sunshine has left your mom, I’m guessing there’s not much light reaching your trailer park. Next, chlorophyll, which is the green part of your leaves, captures the energy from the sun and this powers the building of your plant food from the very simple ingredients of carbon dioxide and water. Rudely not interested in my explanation, Splinter storms off to his room and slams the door. Nice, Splinter. You Sam follows him, trying to talk to him, but he locks it so she can’t get in. She starts banging on the door, and screaming at him to open it. He sits down and shouts back to her to “go away”, because he’s in the process of releasing his by-product of oxygen and doesn’t want to waste the energy on her. Crying, Sam says that she can’t go away, she’s his mom. Splinter boughs … um, “bows”, his head and puts it in his branches … er, “hands”, as he listens to Sam’s weeping willowing … “wallowing”, in her self-pity as she pleads with him not to do this to her. Sam tries to reach him by reminiscing about the time she was helping him with a school science project of a volcano and how she couldn’t get the mix of baking soda and vinegar right, and how it erupted all over the living room. Sounds like good times, Sam. Good times. Sam asks if Splinter was like five or six, as he sits there listening, remembering. Sam sadly tells him that she knows she didn’t give him the most stable childhood and that he’s seen a lot of “crazy stuff”. Oh, you mean like the various hairstyles you’ve had on this show, Sam? Or the fact that Splinter really isn’t who he used to be … literally …? Or the craziest thing of all – that you actually dumped Luka??? Yeah, that’s some crazy shit … Sam says “and it’s mostly my fault”. Uh … duh, Sam. Sam tells him honestly that the only thing she’s ever wanted was for him to be happy, regretfully admitting that she doesn’t know how to give that to him. She sorrowfully begs him “So, please … tell me what to do” as Splinter just stares barkly … “starkly” … Sam knows that he’s listening in there. She puts her hand to her head, tearfully telling him “I love you … You know that, right?” Splinter hears this and seeds … “sighs” …

McEgo puts his key in the lock, but Deej opens the door before he can even turn it. We hear Ross Copperman’s All She Wrote playing as she tells him that he looks tired and hands him a beer. Nice, Deej. Take me as I am … McEgo takes it and thanks her. Nice, McEgo. Guess he’s encouraging her to fulfill her dream of becoming a St. Pauli Girl. … I’m feeling all alone here … McEgo takes off his jacket as Deej happily informs him that she made chili, salad and cornbread from scratch. I know there’s gotta be somebody somewhere … She gestures over towards the dining table, all done up with flowers and lit by candlelight. Oh, this is more than a little creepy … it’s Lolita creepy … McEgo looks at the table, McSurprised and Deej tells him that her homework is already done … That’s all she wrote … He opens the beer and moves to the table to sit down and Deej tells him that there’s going to be no more fast food around here … That’s all she wrote … McEgo thinks this all looks McGreat, and Deej smiles proudly … She always feels so smallPushed aside, a flower on the wall …

Neela is walking down the darkened street, towards Ike Ryan’s … They never ask her name … No one sees the girl without a face … Ray is at the bar, downing a beer … She spills the words across the page … Ray takes out his wallet to pay his tab … It helps to ease the pain … Not seeing Neela walk in, he starts to leave until he hears her say “Leaving so soon?” as she sits on the conveniently open stool next to him … And she cries … They smile at each other and he says, “Guess not” … Nobody out there … Ray signals the bartender to bring two more beers … Wants to understand … They smile at each other again as we fade to black … Nobody out there … Take me as I am


At 4:38 AM, April 22, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh boy!!!
to read you will get me laugh the whole day (and many more)!!!
just absolutely, amazingly fantastic!!!

At 2:09 PM, April 22, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

KUDOS to you good, Cranky!! And Kudos again.
I've only read a few parts, and will be reading the rest later, but I am LOVING all the quality Newsradio shoutouts during the special reunion of Matthew and Lisa.
thanks so much!

At 4:02 PM, April 22, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! I don't think I've ever laughed so much... every time you call Crenshaw "Moby" I just die... :D

At 4:21 PM, April 22, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG that was hysterical! Especially all the Big Red/cheerleader stuff from Bring It On!! And thanks for the link to the Spartan Cheer video from SNL!! You're awesome!

At 7:44 PM, April 22, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cranky, you put the "Awe" in this "Awesome" recap!
So loved the Bring it On references. -the best worst movie ever!
I also knew you would have great things for the MT/A.DICK reunion, and you totally delivered!

At 2:46 PM, April 24, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't tell you how many times I bursted out laughing, Cranky! Thank you so much! I really needed this. :)


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