ER 13.15 Dying Is Easy

Previously on ER: Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, though he is known to me by the more accurate moniker of Uncle Ego or McEgo, is trying to look all sad at Sarah, aka Deej because she reminds me of one of the Full House Tanner girls, the daughter of his ex-live in/ex-living fornifriend, Meg, aka Paula Malcomson, aka Trixie from Deadwood; Deej is sobbing, imploring McEgo that he can’t let this happen as she desperately shakes Trixie, trying to wake her up; Pratt’s cellmate, Wife Beater, because you are what you wear, is asking him what they got him on and Pratt says that he helped some people get the medications they needed; Leaving the police station, Pratt thanks Pastor Watkins for bailing him out and he’ll make sure Pastor gets his money back, then bitches at Pastor because he had told him to shut the church clinic down; Sam, who may basked a little too long in the Sunshine, aka Kip Pardue from Return of the Titans, is now in danger of some serious sunburn when they open the bedroom door to the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire … Sam is hanging out the window … Everybody say “ho” … smoke engulfing her and she’s yelling to the firemen that there’s a little boy and a man with burns up there as her Gaudy Grandma Gracie watches in fright; Sam’s elderly neighbor, Mr. Owens, who’s so badly burned that he’s really the Kentucky Fried Codger is telling Sam that the fire started downstairs and she admits that it was in her apartment; Curtis Ames, aka Forest Whitaker, who played Charlie Parker in Bird, has a gun on Luka and tells him to put his hand in the vise grips because he wants him to “feel that”; Because the ER producers hate me and decided that once is not enough for me to have to suffer through having to see this scene, Luka tightens the crank, but Bird doesn’t think it’s good enough, so he slams his foot down on the lever, crushing Luka’s hand, causing Luka, and me, to cry out in agony at The Pretty’s petrifying paw pulverizing …

McEgo and his new shorter hairdo are cooking up some flapjacks. Being that he is McEgo after all, he has to be all with the flippin’ and the catchin’ pancakery, except he’s not so good on the latter and one ends up on the floor, which he just leaves there. Nice, McEgo. Considering it seems you may have actually for once exterminated the furry things attached to your face leaving just a bit of stubble, and since we know in fact that John Stamos Has Rabies, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to be tempting the return of the virulent varmints by leaving foodstuffs lying about. Deej is sitting in a chair, eyes glued to the boob tube. McEgo says that there are plenty more where the one on the floor came from, and proceeds to toss another one, but catches it on the plate this time and is predictably all over himself with his pancake-essence magnificence. He urges Deej to eat, letting her know what an ungrateful snot she is because he’s been “slaving over a hot griddle all morning for you”. He leads her to the kitchen table and asks her to at least try the McHotcakes. She takes a tiny piece between her fingers and puts it in her mouth, asking him brattily, “Satisfied?” But he’s not because she’s not fawning over his breathtakingly braggadocio breakfast brilliance and he won’t be satisfied until she’s effectively efficiently effervescently effusive about his breakfast-icence, to which the only answer is sarcastic sassiness, which she embraces, as she tells him what he wants to hear. McEgo hands her a lunchbox and tells her that it’s time to go. She asks him if kids are going to act weird around her today, and he lies and says “no”. She tells him that she doesn’t want to talk about Trixie and he assures her that she doesn’t have to as they head towards the door to leave, the dropped pancake still on the floor. Ugh. As she puts on her coat, Deej asks him if he’s sending her to live with “Grandma and Grandpa”. McEgo has parents? Huh … I thought God created him on the eighth day … at least that’s what he and all his “Uncle Jesse’s Girls” say … Because they’re watching him with those eyes … I wonder if they’re like Clay Aikens’ “Claymates”? He wants to know why Deej asks that and she says that she thought that’s what they were talking about at the funeral. He covers saying that they talked about a lot of things at the funeral. Deej says that she doesn’t want to live with them, and McEgo swallows uncomfortably. She tells him that she wants to stay here with him and his “crummy pancakes”. Well, if he doesn’t clean that one off the floor soon, I’m sure crumbs are all the creepy critter will leave ya, Deej. Car horn beeps and McEgo kisses Deej then pushes her out the door.

In an Exam Room, Sam is telling her Ganja Growing Gaudy Grandma Gracie that the x-rays show that her lungs are improving, then removes the oxygen cannula from Gaudy’s nose. Gaudy thinks that’s good because she’s not like Bill Clinton and needs to “inhale”. Sam tells her that if her oxygen level stays good she can go home in a few hours. Gaudy wants Sam to tell Timmy, the desk clerk who reminds me of Usher, because has been worried sick about her. Yeah, well if he’s really all into the gentrophilia, then I’m not sure “worried” is the quantifier I’d used with the “sick”, Gaudy. Ewww. Sam says that so is her son New Alex, or Newlex, but better known as Splinter for his chip-off-the-old-Plank wooden acting that a little too closely for comfort resembles that of Neela’s deadwood husband, Gallant. Gaudy gets back in bed and asks Sam how Splinter is. Sam says that he’s been acting wood. Well, duh, Sam. Oh, wait, she said “acting weird”. How the hell can you tell, Sam? What, is he branching out into Tree or Bushfire theatre or something? Gaudy asks Sam, “You think he did it, don’tcha?” Sam says that she knows that she blew out those candles. Gaudy doesn’t believe it because “He’s a wood boy” and probably thinks even he can’t be that stupid to play with fire around his flammable foliage. Actually, even more incredibly I realize she thinks “He’s a good boy”, because the wacky tobacky has obviously destroyed whatever brain cells her old-age senility hasn’t. Sam goes through the list of Splinter’s good qualities: stealing Morris’ credit card, disrespecting Gaudy, etc. Gaudy insists that if Splinter did do it, it wasn’t on purpose. Sam asks if Gaudy thinks Splinter started the fire by accident. Gaudy thinks that Sam should keep taking Splinter to the Tree Whisperer, therapist lady, and since the police think it was a candle that started the fire, they should just leave it at that.

Abby, wearing her winter white coat, is walking into the ER with Ray. Ray’s glad to hear “he’s doing okay”, and Abby replies a little too chirpily, “Yeah”, adding “He just needed a little time for the hand to heal”. Really, Abby? Since you’re obviously talking about Luka, I’m really hoping what you’re saying is true and that his right hand really will heal okay considering it was cruelly cripplingly crunched in Bird’s viciously vile vise. Shudders. Morris bitches at them “What do we have here? Not one, but two late doctors”. Abby explains that the Blue Line was stuck and Ray chimes in that some “bozo” jumped in front of the train. Yikes. I know it sucks being a clown, but wasn’t there some other way than becoming a metro morsel, Bozo? Morris asks Abby the question that I’ve been dying to since we last left The Pretty with his pulverized paw in the previous episode, “Where’s your main man?” Abby hesitates a bit, saying “Um … he’s going to take one more day” before walking away. That’s it? That’s all we’re going to hear about Luka? Oh, that so sucks and I’ll so be even more into the crankiness if I’m not given my weekly rejuvenating dose of Prettiness. Abby’s seems to be a bit evasive talking about Luka, so I’m wondering if he really is okay. Unless it’s just that she’s a little out of sorts, what with Luka’s hand being out of commission, and she’s not getting her regular routine rinsing and standard soaking sponging from her live-in Shampoo Boy, in which case … Bitch … Usher hands Morris a slip of paper and tells him that some “suit” came from upstairs and said to give it to whoever is running the floor. Morris reads it, with Ray looking over his shoulder. Both look really surprised, Morris giving a long drawn out, “Damn …”, which Ray echoes. Morris heads away from the desk asking where Pratt is. Uh oh.

In Trauma Green, Pratt, McEgo, and Intern Hope Bobeck, aka Busy Philipps, who played Kim Kelly opposite Linda Cardellini in Freaks and Geeks, are trying to restrain a belligerent and apparently high girl who is thrashing around, yelling at them “You suck balls!” Busy is trying to get High Girl to hold still, and High Girl tells her to “Hold still yourself, bitch!” Lovely. Busy asks Pratt if they can give benzos, but Pratt says that it will take a half hour to work. McEgo says that he has access and ask Pratt if he wants four of Ativan or Haldol. High Girl thinks they are ruining her high and kicks over some instruments. Morris comes in and tells Pratt that they need to talk, but Pratt bitches that he’s a little busy. Pratt tells Busy to get midazolam because it will “knock” High Girl down in less than a minute. Morris asks Pratt if he can step outside. Pratt looks at Morris with a “duh, dumbass” look as he tells him that they can as soon as High Girl settles down. High Girl sits up and tries to bite Pratt, but McEgo warns him and Pratt pulls his arm away in time. Morris apologizes but says that he’s going to have to ask Pratt to step outside. Pratt yells at him that he’s going to have to wait as he tries to inject the drug in High Girl’s IV as Busy and McEgo hold her down. Frustrated, Morris rubs his forehead and shouts Pratt’s name to get his attention as High Girl high-pitched screams. Morris yells to Pratt that the Medical Board suspended his license. Pratt stares over at him, stunned, as High Girl keeps bellowing, but is thankfully cut off, sparing my ears, as we head to funky opening graphic montage …

Morris is walking down the hallway as Busy hurries to catch up with him, asking if they can talk. She tells him that she was “Pratt’s accomplice”. Morris doesn’t know what she’s talking about so Busy explains that she helped him at the church clinic. Morris can’t believe it and a remorseful Busy says that it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Busy says that she told Pratt that he didn’t have to protect her, but that he said that he wants her to stay out of it. Morris thinks she should listen to Pratt. Busy asks Morris “I’m going to burn in Hell, aren’t I?” Why are you asking Morris, Busy? I thought McEgo was the only god around here … at least that’s what he and all the Uncle Jesse’s Girls say … Morris assures her “no”, but says that she might have some explaining to do as he heads into the Lounge, where Pratt is getting ready to leave. Morris tells him that he’s sorry about this. Pratt sighs and says that he thought he could at least work a half shift before the hearing. Morris thinks it’s just a formality and they’ll reinstate him. Chuny comes in and tells Morris that Abby is asking for him because her guy in One is throwing up. Morris tells Pratt “Be strong, Brother”, then raises his fist saying “Fight the Power” before walking out. I’m sorry, Morris, but you are just way too white to even be a wannabe wigger. From the “you’ve gotta be kidding me” look Pratt’s giving him, he thinks so, too …

In the Curtain Area, Abby and Sam are treating Freddy Rodriguez, who played Federico Diaz on Six Feet Under and who’s sprouting some serious facial hair. Sam asks Abby if she wants a liter wide open and Abby says “yeah” and adds an order for 10 of Reglan. Abby presses on Rico’s belly and asks if it hurts here, and he gasps, making a Rob Schneider Orgasm Guy face and says pointedly, “No”, then tells her if she “tugs on Willie he’ll sing Dionne Warwick’s greatest hits”. Abby smirks, sarcastically telling him, “Tempting … but, no thanks”. Hee. No shit, Abby. Rico’s cute and all, but, come on … considering what you’ve got waiting for you at home, I’m thinking you’ve got a considerably better Willie to be tuggin’ on … Bitch … Rico, all lecherously practicing for when he becomes a dirty old man in about 40 years, tells her he thought that was why she put the gloves on. Abby’s ignoring him as she taps on his abdomen. Still trying to get her attention, he tells her that he has a latex fetish and that “I even tried to give myself a Brazilian using rubber cement once … Didn’t work … But I got into Hustler as one of those guys who has a three a-…” as he gestures with fingers in a down motion and Abby cuts him off, smirking, “Alright, I get it, yeah”, then raises her eyebrows and grins as he smiles at her. Sam asks Rico if he ever had food poisoning and he says that he puked once after “biting into a red hot with stretch marks”. Abby and Sam share a “WTF is up with this guy” look, then Sam rolls her eyes and shakes her head disgustedly. Abby’s actually sporting some earrings in this ep … Early Valentine’s present maybe? … Bitch … Abby tells Rico that they have to run some tests to rule out anything serious like appendicitis but after that hopefully they can discharge him. Morris comes up and checks the chart, asking what’s up with Rico. Abby tells him that Rico has vomiting and low-grade fever and that the exam’s equivocal as she pushes Rico forward a bit to listen to his lungs. Rico tries to be all male solidarity bonding with Morris and is like “Doc … you gotta get me out of here, man … I’ve got a hot date tonight”. Morris asks “Does she take air or helium?”, then laughs at his apparent hilarity. Abby just looks over at him like “um … yeah … okay”, but Rico appreciates his “humor”, smiling and saying “She takes Visa, but that was fun-ny …”, then asks Morris “Can I use it?” Morris, who’s looking at the chart and not really paying attention answers “Sure”. Abby asks if Morris wants her to image Rico’s belly, but he says to just hydrate him, give him four of morphine and antiemetics. Morris signs the chart, hands it to Abby and tells Rico that they’ll get him out of there and to sit tight, then walks away.

Dubenko is walking down the Surgical hallway with Neela and Manish Mehta, the guy who’s helping out with their paired exchange transplant program. Dubenko is taking them to meet the Grassos explaining, “She’s been on dialysis since 2002 … he’s got a kidney, but they don’t match”. Manish tells Neela that with the exchange, they’ll pair them up with two cousins who are in exactly the same situation and Dubenko quips “Yup … kidneys for everyone”. They enter a room where two patients are waiting on the beds. Dubenko says “hi” and asks if they’re set. A smiling girl in one bed is all “You bet!”, while a shaved head guy in the other is all excited about no more dialysis and no more infected shunts. Dubenko introduces Neela and says that she’s going to be assisting on the transplant, which is news to Neela. Shaved Head says that someone is about to get some A-one kidney meat from him because he’s like a racehorse, and can drink a six-pack without even peeing. Lovely. Your parents must be so proud … Smiley Girl is all embarrassedly smiling, “Honey! … Gross …” Dubenko all geekily corrects with the medical jargon that it’s because of bladder capacity and neural sensitivity and not renal function that Shaved Head never has to break the seal when he’s out at a bar. Shaved Head thinks “Then we’ll give them some bladder, too”. Really, I’ll bet mom and dad could get a “Proud Parent of Prime Pissing Prohibitor” bumper sticker. Everyone chuckles and Dubenko jokes “Okay, I’ll see what I can do”. He asks them if they have any questions or concerns, but they don’t. He tells them he’ll see them in the OR, then he, Neela and Manish head out. In the hall again, Dubenko tells them that their goal is to find 200 donor-recipient pairs. By mixing and matching, they can get kidneys for almost 50% of them. Manish tells Neela that he’ll introduce her to the Herrera cousins, who are right down the hall. Neela clarifies that Marie is getting a kidney from one cousin and Thomas is giving it to the other. Dubenko says that it’s kind of like a “Kidney Key Party”. Hee. Since Neela is not up on her 70’s pop culture and evidently has never seen The Ice Storm nor embraced the swinger lifestyle, she has no idea what he’s talking about. But Dubenko doesn’t fill her in, just says that in this program the donors and recipients aren’t allowed to meet, because that could get a little messy. Neela pager starts beeping and she tells them that it’s the ER and that she’ll catch up to them. As she waits for the elevator, Neela comes out and asks Dubenko what a key party is. He explains that it’s a gimmick to help swinging couples pick their partners. Neela gives him a “you’re kidding, right?” look, and he tells her to forget it, it’s before her time. As she gets on the elevator, Neela says that it “Sounds dirty”. You’ve been sleeping with the infected McRoadkill and you think that sounds dirty, Neela?

In the hallway, Abby is trying to examine a screaming kid who is fighting her. Screaming Kid’s mom tells him to hold still, then turns to Ray, who is standing there looking like he wishes he weren’t, and says “If he’s got lice, you’re cutting his hair”. Ray, who’s totally not into listening to this kid, bitches “I’m a doctor, not Vidal Sassoon”. HA!!! Thank you, ER … I am so taking that as a shout-out to the Hair Salon … It’s no wonder Abby’s with this patient, since we know that she does like to play Hairdresser … though she does seem to have a rather exclusive clientele … of one … Bitch … Sam comes up and tells Abby that she needs her, as she wheels a pretty green-looking Rico by. Sam tells her “Funny boy keeps throwing up”. Abby follows them, patting Ray on the shoulder saying “Hey, Ray, you got this, right?” and walks away. Ray’s not liking this, begging “Hey … No, no, no … Don’t leave me here …”, looking incredulously after Abby because it’s so not fair when Master Stylists leave Novices to do their scut work …

Abby asks Sam if she gave Rico the Reglan, and Sam says she did, about an hour ago and it should be working by now. Abby tells Rico that it’s probably just gastroenteritis and if his labs are good, they’ll get him home. Sitting in the wheelchair with a basin on his lap, Rico says to forget home, he’s got a “gig” at 10:15, and all proudly says it’s at the “big room at Zany’s” and that he’s been trying to get in there for a couple of years. As they get back to his bed in the Curtain Area, Abby asks disbelievingly “You’re a comedian?”, and I’m so with you on that skepticism, Abby, since he’s not said one thing so far that’s been anywhere near funny. Rico admits “aspiring” and Sam thinks he should aspire a little harder. Hee. Rico’s all “aaaah … a heckler … Don’t make me go K-K-K-Kramer on your ass”. Sam leans forward to lock the wheelchair wheels in place and bumps Rico, who winces in pain as he leans forward, then tells her “Yo, Blondie … no need to get violent”. Abby grabs Rico’s IV to hang it and orders four of zofran and to repeat PRN. Sam helps Rico climb back onto the bed. He slumps back, relieved, saying to himself “Lay down, Simon”, and panting. He tells Abby that he’s got to practice his routine, and that he’s got to change his clothes, as he looks down at the hospital gown. Lifting it up a little to smell it, he says he was going to wear this, but now he got chow mein all over it, then takes a whiff and makes a face at the putridity. Abby tells him that they’re trying to get him better. Sam asks him how long he’s been doing standup and he says that he moved out here from Detroit a few years ago, which causes Abby, who’s looking at his films, to turn around and comment “Very courageous”. As Sam takes his blood pressure, Rico says that his old boss pushed him into it. Sam asks if it was because he was funny at work. Rico, trying not to puke, tells her “no, because he fired me twice”, and that his boss hated his guts. Leaning over the basin, Rico says that his dad also had a lot to do with it. Sam asks “He hated you, too?” Hee. Abby glances over, then turns back to take the x-ray off the viewer as Rico tells Sam, “No … He died …”. Walking back over to the bed, Abby watches Rico thoughtfully as he continues “… life took on a whole new perspective …” She raises her eyebrows at this, and seemingly not very comfortable talking about people dying and the resultant life-changing, Abby says that she’s going to call the lab to try to see what’s taking so long and tells him to just relax, as she makes a quick getaway. Rico lifts his head from his chuck-it bucket and calls after her that he will try to relax, before bending over and ralphing again … Lovely.

McEgo is listening to the lungs of a large lady who’s bitching about how she and this guy spent four weeks emailing each other, they finally meet and he sticks her with the bill. McEgo asks if she fell into a hydrant when she was chasing after Deadbeat Date and Large Lady insists she would have caught him if she had been wearing her flats. McEgo tells her that her breath sounds are fine and asks her to lie back as Chuny takes her BP. Large Lady wants to know so what if she told Deadbeat Date that she looked like Cindy Crawford … Oh yeah, you look like Crawford alright, Large Lady … Crawford, Texas, that is … She complains that Deadbeat Date said he looked like Matt Damon. McEgo asks if he did and Crawford says “More like Matt Damon’s fat uncle’s ass”. Hee. McEgo and Chuny chuckle and Chuny tells him that the pulse ox is 98 on room air. McEgo presses on Crawford’s side and asks if it hurts and she winces and says it does. He tells her that she’s got a broken rib and that he’s going to give her something for the pain and they’ll get an x-ray. He tells Chuny to give her Percocet, order a CBC and a two-view chest x-ray.

McEgo heads towards Admit, where he runs into Pratt who’s heading out. McEgo tells him that hopefully it will just be temporary and Pratt tells him “Yeah, and that’ll be too bad for you” and starts to leave. Usher tells him good luck and Pratt thanks him. Busy rushes up and walks with Pratt. She tells him that he’s going to be okay and that “God is on your side”. Pratt hopes so. Busy says that she can go with him, she’s just done the overnight and she’s almost off. He tells her to go home and get some sleep. Pastor walks up to them, and Busy smiles at him. Pratt wants to know what he’s doing there and Pastor says that he’s going with him to the Medical Board hearing. Pratt insists that he’s okay. Chuny calls to Busy that she needs to pull the pic line for the guy in Two, and Busy heads off. Pratt walks away from Pastor who says that the Church’s support couldn’t hurt, but Pratt bitches that he’s still operating the clinic that got Pratt into this mess. They go out into the Ambulance Bay where Pastor protests that he’s just trying to better the community. Pratt snidely wants to know what Pastor is doing about black male incarceration. Pastor says that he has a sermon on it next week. Pratt snots that Pastor should make sure he tells them how he and his program got Pratt there. Pastor insists that he just wants to help. Pratt comes back that his license is suspended and he’s facing jail time, so he thinks Pastor’s helped enough.

Sam and Sunshine are heading to the Roach Coach. He asks her how Splinter’s counseling is going. Sam says that it wasn’t what she expected, but nothing ever really is. Sunshine wants to know what the counselor said and Sam tells him that she wants Sam to enroll Splinter in acorn tree conifer forest roots … although it could have been “academy for at risk youth” … same difference … Sam thinks it’s codeword for “nut job”, then, because she’s all down with the delusions, insists that Splinter’s not a nut job, he’s just “going through some stuff. Oh, you know, just normal stuff that all the kids are going through … like smacking septuagenarians, pursuing pyromania, root rot, photosynthesis, that sort of thing … Sunshine thinks that maybe it’s stuff that he can’t handle. Yeah, the beech bark blight’s a bitch, Sam … Sam says that she knows about those places and that they starve them, beat them … Splinter’s going to my Junior High? Sam doesn’t want to send him there. Well, can’t say that I blame you on that one, Sam – It was cruel and unusual what they did … Did you know they actually had the nerve to try to feed us Steak-umms and pass them off as Philly Cheesesteaks??? … Oh, the horror … Sunshine offers to help her look at some places. Sam thanks him, but says that she needs to do it alone. She tells him how sorry she is for dragging him into everything in the first place. He tells her not to worry about it. She says that she really likes him, but she has to focus on Splinter right now and she doesn’t have time for any kind of a relationship. Sunshine tells her that he gets it, her kid comes first and she should take as much time as she needs, then walks off. Guess maybe you should have knocked over the Roach Coach, Sunshine, since it seems Sam only gets her groove on with convicted felons …

Neela’s pressing on Crawford’s belly and asks if she has any discomfort there, but Crawford doesn’t. Crawford asks Neela if she has a boyfriend. Neela glances over at McEgo, who’s very interested in her answer, before saying “Not exactly … We’re still defining it”. Oh, I have tons of definitions for you and the Ego, Neela … Egola … virus … Let’s see … Should we do it alphabetically? Abominable, abhorrent, atrocious, awful, base, beastly, contemptible, cursed, deplorable, despicable, detestable, disgusting, execrable, foul, grim, hateful, heinous, hellish, horrible, loathsome, lousy, nasty, nauseating, obnoxious, odious, offensive, repellent, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, sleazy, stinking, terrible, vile, wretched … and those are just the good qualities … Crawford tells Neela that a girl like her doesn’t need the Internet but that she hasn’t had a Valentine since some kid in the sixth grade. Neela presses against Crawford’s ribs and she’s all indignantly “Ouch!” McEgo chimes in that Neela’s into S&M. Yeah, well I really wish she was into pest exterminating, McRoadkill. He tells Crawford if she wants Neela to stop she has to say Mayday, it’s the safe word. Crawford must be delirious with pain because she’s all smiling at McEgo’s “McCharm”. Neela presses on a sore spot and Crawford says forcefully, “Mayday! Mayday!”, while McEgo McSmirks. Neela tells McEgo that there’s no liver problem and that to observe Crawford for a couple of hours, then repeat CBC and exams. Neela heads away and McEgo McFollows her. He asks her if she’s okay and she says she is, then asks the same of him. He tells her they got home from Wisconsin yesterday. Neela wants to know how Deej is holding up and McEgo thinks it’s not going to be easy. He tells her that he should have called, but it was just that the funeral was awkward and all the relatives, but Neela says it’s okay. She says that she’s fine and she’s sure he has a lot on his plate. Well, except for that pancake that missed and I’ll bet is still on the floor, Neela. She says that she thinks he’s probably got two plates and a little saucer. He assures her it’s a heart-shaped saucer. Did I forget to add “sickening” to the list earlier? Ugh … McEgo says that it’s Valentine’s Day on Wednesday and asks her if they can have a quiet dinner. Neela tells him “we’ll see”, as Abby walks up “Hey guys”-ing them. Weirdly, Neela says that she’s got surgery and hurries away. Is she avoiding Abby for some reason? Strange. Abby doesn’t really get it either and asks McEgo if she’s alright. He says he doesn’t know and starts to walk down the hall with Abby. She asks “What about you?”, but he just shrugs and heads off in another direction. Jeez, was it something you said, Abby? Abby keeps walking when Morris spots her and calls out to her. He tells her that the CBC is back on her “comic”, but that really can’t be what he said because I think “gastronomic” is a much better descriptor for Rico since he actually is bringing up his food and so not bringing up the funny. Morris says that the white blood count is 32,000 and 60% blasts. Abby can’t believe that Rico has leukemia. Oh, man, that sucks, Rico.

Pratt’s walking down a corridor, looking for the conference room where the Medical Board is meeting. He enters a room where some suits are standing around a u-shaped configuration of tables, doing the usual water cooler blah blah. He politely interrupts them and a suited Sulu-lookalike all friendly “hi”-s him. A Suit Lady asks if he’s Dr. Williams from Evanston, but he tells her that he’s Dr. Pratt from County. Ooh, considering how they all start exchanging looks and becoming all businesslike, you probably should have said you were the other guy, Pratt. A bald suit guy grimly tells Pratt to take a seat, as the suits all move to their places in their power position around the U. Pratt puts his stuff down on a table facing them.

Neela’s doing surgery and it’s being projected onto a big screen behind her so we all can watch the lovely insides as they are sliced apart. Yuck. Dubenko tells her to clip it and Chief Surgical Resident Crenshaw, whom I refer to as Moby because of his chrome dome, can’t believe he’s letting her cut the artery. Dubenko assures Moby that Neela knows what she’s doing and asks her what the pertinent anatomical relationships are. Neela spouts off some surgical jargon but I’m too squicked out by the Texas Chainsaw Massacre that’s playing on not one but two screens in this operating theatre, as we can see it over Dubenko’s shoulder, too. Dubenko’s all impressed with whatever it was that Neela said, but Moby dismisses it as something any third year medical student could have answered. Dubenko just shoots him a look. Moby asks Neela to answer what structures make up the cortex, but Neela’s all “The what?” Moby snots, “The cortex of the kidney? That bean-shaped thing you’re cutting into?” Then the camera just has to go there doesn’t it – it just has to go to closeup of the innards, which is causing my innards to want to be out-ards … Thanks, ER. Ugh … Neela starts tossing the terms around again, as she and Moby are in some kind of pissy sibling rivalry type thing trying to get all of Daddy Dubenko’s attention, but frankly, I really don’t care because I’m really just wishing Abby would have given me some of Rico’s Reglan about now … OR Shirley comes up and tells Neela that her “Valentine” needs a surgical consult when she’s done. This gets Dubenko’s attention. Uh oh. Who’s your daddy, Neela? Neela doesn’t get who she means so OR Shirley tells her “Gates”. Moby says sarcastically, “Oh, young love is so sweet”. Moby tells her “He’s not smart enough for you” … Or bathed enough … Or shaved enough … Or vaccinated enough … Neela’s supposedly all offended because she comes back that Moby doesn’t even know McEgo, but Moby thinks he’s “easy math”. Dubenko lays the parental smackdown and puts them in time out with an “Okay, that’s enough”. From the Observation Deck, Manish uses the intercom to tell Dubenko that the donor kidney is prepped and ready. Dubenko says that it’s excellent timing and tells him to have it sent in. Neela asks how Mr. Herrera did, and Manish tells her that there were no complications and they’re closing now.

Abby, Sam and some random nurses are moving Rico’s bed. He wants to know where they’re going, but nobody answers him. He points towards where they are headed and wants to know if that’s where they do the “anal probe”. Oh, don’t worry about that, Rico. They’ve already done the biggest anal extraction – Carter’s not on this show anymore. Now, about McEgo, ER … Is Abby chewing gum? Nice, Abby. Real professional. She asks Sam if she can grab the zosyn as they move Rico into … uh oh … Trauma Yellow … The Trauma Room of Impending Doom. Um, I think you can probably start to worry now, Rico. He tells them that he liked the other room and there’s no need for an upgrade. Sam asks Abby “3.375?” and Abby says “yeah” as she kicks the lock down on Rico’s gurney. Sam heads to get the meds. Abby tells Rico that she needs to talk to him about something important. He tells her that he can feel it too and he wasn’t going to say anything but he does feel the sparks. Nice try, Rico Suavé, but there’s more to being a Latin lover … especially when you’re up against the Croatian Sensation … Abby grins at him tolerantly, because, his thinking he’s any competition for The Pretty is really just like shooting spitballs at a battleship. Abby hesitates before telling him that his blood tests show that he has leukemia. He just looks at her for a second before glancing away, closing his eyes, taking a deep breath and saying exaggeratedly “Thank God! … I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer”. Abby leans forward to look him in the eye as she noddingly says “Leukemia is cancer”. She continues that it’s cancer of the white blood cells and bone marrow, but Rico’s not paying attention because he’s too into his schtick and looks at her saying “That’s great … that’s great … so just give me some Viagra, send me home and we are all good!”, as he punches his palm for emphasis. Abby shakes her head at him, admonishing “This isn’t funny”. He knows. He puts his hand to his head wearily as she tells him that he’s going to need to go on IV antibiotics. He closes his eyes, wincing like he’s in pain as he repeats “I know … I know … I know”. He sighs, then tells her that he got leukemia about a year ago and that he’s had induction chemo and a bone marrow transplant. Abby looks at him sadly as he continues “And now a year later, it’s back”. He asks “Why can’t cancer be like herpes? I got that once and it never came back …” Not giving in to his attempts to turn this all into a joke, Abby says that herpes doesn’t go away. As she puts the nasal cannula on him, he tells her feelingly “This is Zany’s, doc. You jam there you get invited to Second City, to SNL … You get a spot on Letterman!” Abby looks at him sympathetically as he explains how his dad put hubcaps on Buicks, and before he died the last thing he told Rico was “Don’t be another autoworker wishing you coulda, woulda, shoulda”. Abby looks down at this, drumming her fingers nervously and not knowing what to say as he goes on that his dad said, “Don’t be like me, son”. Abby grits her teeth before she glances over at him. She says “I have to get you started on antibiotics” and because this is making her uncomfortable, once again tries to make a quick exit. Rico sits up and grabs her arm, saying pleadingly and hopefully, “I go on at 10:15 … 10:35, I’m all yours”. Abby tells him that there’s not going to be a show tonight, then says she’s sorry before hastily heading towards the door. She turns and says kind of flippantly, like she’s trying to distance herself from this, that if he wants to make it to next month, she has to get a CT, a surgical consult and check on chemo. Walking backwards out the door and shrugging with her palms up she gives an aloof “Sorry” before turning and going, leaving a dejected Rico watching after her, tears threatening to fall.

Morris is at the Board, erasing stuff and McEgo is sitting on his McAss, asking Usher to call GI and order an EGD report for him and Usher says it’s no problem. Neela calls over to McEgo and asks if he has time for a coffee. He asks her “Everything good?” and she says “yeah” and starts to tell him that she just had the coolest surgery and she figured they could talk as the door buzzer buzzes and in walks … LUKA!!! And thus ends my Pretty deprivation … Thank God … Looking mighty yummy in his black jacket and carrying a couple of folders, Luka strides purposefully in past a surprised Neela and McEgo. McEgo greets him “Dr. Kovac”, as Luka nods hello and keeps right on walking. Luka’s right hand is still bandaged up and the wound on his mouth is healing, as I once again thank God for the perfection not being permanently marred. Morris sees him and says that he thought Luka wasn’t coming in today. Putting his folders down on the desk, Luka explains that he heard they were short Attendings and he “got bored”. Morris asks him if he’s okay and tells him that he looks good. Well, duh, Morris. How could he look anything but? Morris says “You good?” and Luka answers with a “yeah” as he picks up some mail from his box. Morris almost bumps into Abby, who’s walked up and is standing staring at Luka. She asks him with a tone both surprised and concerned “What are you doing here?” as she walks over towards him. Kind of uncomfortable, like he was caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to, Luka stammers “Uh … I talked to Timmy and he said you guys could use some help, so …”, gives a little shrug and then it’s his turn to make a hasty exit before Abby can say anything else. She raises her eyebrows at him, moves like she’s going to follow him, then thinks better of it, chewing on her lips and hitting her left hand with the x-rays in her right as she watches after him, deciding to let it go. Abby calls over to Neela who’s leaning on the desk talking and smiling with McEgo and asks if she can look at Rico’s CT. Usher tells McEgo that some school principal is on the phone for you as Neela takes the films and asks Abby, “Appendicitis?”. Abby shakes her head and Neela holds up the films. McEgo is on the phone behind them asking “She’s crying?” Neela hears this and looks over at him. McEgo asks to talk to “her”. Abby points out Rico’s cecum to Neela and says there’s wall thickening and distention. McEgo, obviously now talking to Deej, is saying that he told her that she didn’t have to go to school. Neela is totally distracted, listening to him telling Deej that he’ll come pick her up. Abby’s waiting for Neela to answer and tries to get her attention, “Hello?” Neela looks over at her like she totally forgot Abby was standing there. She tells Abby that it’s typhlitis and that an immuno-compromised host can get a cecal infection. Abby asks “Surgery?”, but Neela tells her to treat with IV antibiotics unless he perforates. Abby asks if she’d operate then, but Neela thinks that given Rico’s leukemia, she doubts he’d survive then says “So …” but doesn’t finish because she’s still McEavesdropping. Abby prompts her “… So? …” Neela again looks up at Abby with the whole forgetting her presence thing again, shakes her head a little and says “So nothing … no surgery for him”. Not really what Abby wanted to hear, she nods and gives a sort of sarcastic “Okay … thanks …”, and walks away. McEgo hangs up the phone and tells Neela that he’s sorry but Deej is having trouble at school and he has to go pick her up. He tells her that he’ll call her later as he walks away. Neela saunters over to Ray, who’s putting a chart on the rack, and tells him that she’s going to go grab a coffee and asks if he wants anything. Ray says that he’ll tag along and they head out as all the Reela shippers start up with their hopeful chorus, “Na na na na … Hey hey hey … Good-bye …” to the Ego …

Pratt is explaining to the U that the people he was treating don’t have insurance and they can’t afford to see a doctor or even buy medicine. Suited Sulu doesn’t think that’s the point. Pratt claims that he thought with some guidance the clinic could be a good thing. Suit Lady wants to know why not send them to County, and Pratt responds “Have you ever been to County?” Suit Lady’s a little offended as she tells him that she trained there 20 years ago. Pratt says that nowadays they’re filled with critical patients and that sometimes people come in for a prescription refill and have to wait 12 hours. Bald Suit questions “So this was about convenience?”, but Pratt insists it was about helping people. Suited Sulu thinks there are programs for that and Pratt agrees, if you are over 65 or have dependent kids, but regular folks with low-paying jobs don’t qualify and this clinic took care of those people who fell through the cracks.

Ray and Neela are walking back from Jumbo Mart and she’s excitedly explaining how they had four OR’s, four kidneys, all being worked on at the same time. Gee, I guess it’s a good thing some major disaster with lots of traumas didn’t happen while all this was going on or those victims would be shit out of luck. Neela’s all into telling him how it went like clockwork and that they were this fine-tuned machine and how amazing it is that this morning there were two people wasting away waiting for a kidneys they thought would never come and now they’re up there with their donors eating Jell-o. Yeah, Neela, Jell-o is pretty amazing. How can it jiggle like that and not topple over? Or when you put fruit in it and it just floats there, suspended? Miraculous. Ray agrees that it’s pretty cool and seems totally tickled by her enthusiasm. She tells him “It’s what it’s all about, man”, which is totally funny to hear Neela say. An ambulance drives by them into the bay as she tells Ray that it’s why she became a surgeon.

Luka and Morris are waiting for the ambulance, Luka bouncing up and down because it’s cold. Luka calls over to Ray and asks if he wants to give them a hand. Ray tells Neela he needs to take this and rushes over as Morris is telling Luka about a patient he had, a healthy 14 year old who had a stroke and how he figured there’s got to be more to the story. Morris tells with a flourish how he went back to the parents and found out that the kid’s adopted. Luka doesn’t get what he’s talking about and prompts “And …?”, and Morris says “undiagnosed sickle beta thal” and the kid didn’t get screened at birth. Luka gives him kudos, “Nice pickup” and Morris thanks him as Olbes the Paramedic fills them in on the patient they’re unloading, who looks remarkably like Lance Armstrong. Olbes says that Lance burned his hands trying to cremate his cat in the microwave. Oh, yuck, Lance. It’s kettle corn not cat-tle or kitten corn microwave popcorn, Lance. Ugh. Lance says that he tried the fireplace but he couldn’t get it lit. You should have called Splinter, Lance – he’s good with the pyrotechnics. Olbes gives the bullet and Ray tells Luka that the pulse ox is only 91. Luka’s listening to Lance’s lungs and says to start him on 5 of albuterol by neb, then winces a little because he must be feeling it in his hand as he removes the stethoscope from his ears. Lance tries to explain that he thought a crematorium is just a big oven, right? Oh, sure, Lance, just like the Hindenburg was just a big balloon, the Titanic was just a big boat, and the McRoadkill is just big bristles. Morris calls for four of IV morphine. Lance tells Ray that he doesn’t know what his cat ate last but it was “like he just exploded”. Ewww. Catguts … As they move Lance’s gurney, the oxygen tank slips off. Luka instinctively reaches out his to catch it, then lets out an exclamation of pain when it hits his injured right hand and drops it. Morris says that he’s got it and picks up the tank as Luka turns away, closing his eyes and grimacing from the pain as he clutches his hand. Lance asks Ray if he knows whether anyone has his cat but Ray and Olbes just shake their heads kind of disgustedly. Um, didn’t the cat explode, Lance? Really don’t think recovering remnants of your torn tabby is high on their priority list right now. Don’t think the lemons in the bowl thing is going to be enough to clean that mess from the micro … Yuck … Morris gives some more orders, but I’m too busy watching Luka hunched over in pain behind him. Oh, Luka … and you’re wearing one of your signature colors, Luka Blue II, today, too, so by all rights it should be a good day for you. They start to move Lance to into the ER and Morris realizes that Luka isn’t with them and turns back to see if he’s alright, telling Ray he’ll be there in a second. Luka turns around and starts to walk in, but Morris gets in front of him and asks if he’s okay. Luka insists that he’s fine. Morris doesn’t buy it and tells him “Your hand’s not”. Luka tries to dismiss it as “just an accident”, but Morris tells him to go home and rest, promising that they’ll be okay. Morris turns to go in as Sam comes out, pushing Gaudy in a wheelchair. Sam says “hey” to Luka and tells him that she didn’t know he was back. Luka sort of rolls his eyes and says kind of disgruntled, “I’m not”, then changes the subject by asking Gaudy how she’s doing. Gaudy’s all giddy as she looks at him -- because, again, how could you not be? – and flirtingly says “I am now”. Hee. Watch it, Gaudy. Since you’re like old, and since I’m sure the Shampoo Boy’s not into blue rinses, I’ll let it slide … for now. Luka grins and tells her to take care, then pats Sam on the arm as he heads back into the ER. Okay, now you better watch it, Sam. I don’t have the same type of tolerance for you, especially not for any type of physical contact with The Pretty.

As Sam pushes Gaudy, she asks if Gaudy’s sure she doesn’t want to wait until Sam’s off shift, because Sam really doesn’t want to send her off by herself. Gaudy says that she’s not going home – she’s taking a “little cruise” and thinks this way Sam and Splinter can “bond”. Sam thinks she and Splinter can “bond” with Gaudy here, but Gaudy thinks they need time to sort through all this. Sam locks the wheels on the chair and complains to Gaudy that all she wanted to do was raise a good tree, because there’s no way she actually used “good kid” in reference to Splinter. Gaudy thinks Splinter got the “crazy” gene and thanks God that it skipped a generation and that she and Sam were both spared. Um, yeah, okay, Gaudy. Sam actually kicked The Pretty to the curb – if that isn’t certifiable insanity, I don’t know what is. Sam agrees with me because she asks Gaudy, “You think?” Gaudy thinks it’s going to be alright, Splinter is just going through a phase. Oh, like shedding leaves, Gaudy? Gaudy thinks he’s just going through a little bit of rebellion, but he’ll come back around, because “the good ones always do”. Uh, what was that you said about the crazy skipping generations, Gaudy? Because either you’re harboring the hallucinogens again or you’re just simply downright delusional to give a speech like that. Sam wants to know what happens if Splinter’s not a good one. Well, Sam, then I guess you better start practicing baking cakes with files in them for visiting day. Gaudy says like she’s trying to be comforting, “He’s yours, isn’t he?”, which really just deflects Sam’s question rather than answering it, Gaudy. Though actually, the “he’s yours” in reference to Sam pretty much does answer the question, doesn’t it? A limousine pulls up in front of them, and Usher, dressed like a cross between Gopher and Isaac from The Love Boat opens the back door and steps out. Sam’s all shocked, “You’re going with Timmy???” as we hear some island music coming from the car. Usher smiles and tells Gaudy that the Lido Deck awaits. Gaudy tells Sam that “only old people take cruises alone” as she and Usher get into the limo. Sam just stands there gaping at them as they roll the window down and wave to her.

Rico calls out “Hey, Abby!” As she comes in the room, he asks her which one she likes better, “ ‘Thank you folks, it was great to be here’, or just ‘That’s all folks … now go home and beat the kids’ “. Abby doesn’t answer as she adjusts his IV, looking like there’s something she wants to say but doesn’t quite know how to say it. She starts “Simon … you have an infection in the cecum, where the small and large intestine join up”, but again he’s not listening to her, focused instead on going over the end to his routine in his head. He says that maybe he’ll just use, “Go home and beat the kids … but don’t forget to tip the wait staff”. Abby, exasperated because he’s not paying attention to what’s going on, says “Yeah … listen … Did you hear me? What I said to you earlier?” He blows her off with a “yeah, yeah, yeah” and says that he feels better, and he just needs her to “buff” him up. Um, Rico, did you not hear me when I was telling you about her live-in latherer … her 6’4” live-in latherer??? … Bitch … Bad hand or not, I really don’t think you’d want him to hear you asking her for any “buffing” … Just saying … Abby tells him that she can’t because he has no immune system and he cannot fight this infection. He insists that he doesn’t need his immune system tonight, he needs his funny bone. Yeah, well good luck with that, Rico … you haven’t found it so far this ep … Abby looks at him and says that she spoke to his oncologist. Rico closes his eyes and leans his head back against the bed as she continues that he’s out of treatment options, and he has a poor prognostic karyotype. Rico knows all this as he recites “11 cue 23 translocation”, to which Abby replies “Exactly”. Abby tells him that because the leukemia’s recurred twice he doesn’t have any options for chemotherapy. Oh, man, that sucks. Rico rolls his eyes, giving in, and tells her to just put him in some trial, “Make me a guinea pig … I always wanted to run on a big wheel and drink from a drip bottle”. Smiling sadly, Abby shakes her head as she tells him that there isn’t any trial and it’s probably a matter of weeks, not months. Yikes. Rico looks away, downcast. Abby asks him if there’s anyone he wants her to call. He nods, then replies “A cab” as he determinedly pushes back the sheets and starts to get out of bed. Abby wants to know what he’s doing and he says that he’s getting the hell out of here. Abby walks to the other side of the bed to stop him, telling him “Look, you can’t … Simon, you can’t” as he stands up. Facing her, he says, “What do I have to lose, huh?” Damn, Rico’s short – he’s even shorter than Maura Tierney, and she’s only like 5’3” … unless she’s wearing heels, in which case … he’s still short. Which makes the idea of him going up against the Luscious all the more ludicrous. Telling her “I don’t want to walk on the moon …”, he rips off the pulse ox and throws it on the bed, but it bounces off onto the floor, which obviously wasn’t supposed to happen given the way she just flinched when it did, then watched it land. He continues “… or bang Barbara Bush”. What’s with the young guys with the grandma fetish on this show? Ewww. Abby grabs his arm to try to keep him from ripping out the nasal cannula, but he keeps going and gets it off. He says that he wants to get on that stage and make an audience laugh. Yeah, well since you haven’t made this viewing audience laugh, I’m thinking that’s pretty much a pipe dream, Rico. Abby gets in his face and shouts “You can’t go!”, but he comes back at her even stronger “I HAVE to go!” She just stares at him as he asks her fervently “Have you ever wanted to do something that just … scared the hell out of you … but you knew you had to do it?” Abby watches him intently as he continues “Well, this is it for me”. Abby looks down, taking this in as he looks at her pleadingly. His strength sapped, he falters a bit, starting to fall forward, Abby catches him and supports him, her expression saying that despite her trying not to let it happen, he’s gotten to her. She repeats “Alright … alright …” as she helps him get back into bed. She thinks that maybe a blood transfusion will give him some more energy. He thinks that he just needs to be able to stand up. As he leans back in bed, exhausted, he adds “Or sit down … maybe I could be a sit down standup”. Abby puts the pulse ox back on his finger and the cannula back in his nose and tells him that she’s going to have to have him sign out Against Medical Advice. He says that “If I just took anyone’s advice, I’d still be checking taillights in Detroit right now”. Abby tells him pointedly “If anyone asks, this was not my idea”. Rico grins and puts his finger to his lips like mums the word and goes, “Shhhh” as Abby walks out.

The U wants to know how Pratt keeps track of the clinic’s patients. Pratt tells them that he used index cards for patient information. Bald Suit doubts he can have a complete H&P on a 5x7 card. Pratt concedes that they had limited records, just the important information. Suited Sulu wants to know where he kept them and Pratt says “In a box”. Suited Sulu wants to know if his patients got medical care at other places, was there a system for other health professionals to access the “box”. Pratt reluctantly answers “no” but guesses they could have paged him. Suit Lady wants to know if he thinks his record system met the standard the Medical Board had set. Pratt tries to shrug it off “C’mon, we were in a church”. She follows up asking if he logged the drugs that he dispensed, did he record the lot numbers. Pratt admits “No, not fully”. Bald Suit calls him on it “Not at all, isn’t that right?” Pratt doesn’t answer. Suited Sulu asks if he’s aware that’s a violation of the Medical Practice Act. Pratt tap-dances that he never claimed this was a full-service medical center, he didn’t charge any money and he was just trying to help these people. Suited Sulu wants to know if Pratt thinks he helped Edgar Dixon when he prescribed renuvium. Because Pratt lives and breathes tap, he skirts this by saying that GI bleeding is a common side-effect and the same thing could have happened to him if that med was prescribed anywhere. Suited Sulu points out that it didn’t happen to Edgar anywhere – he went to Pratt and it killed him. Bald Suit wants to know if Pratt is aware that diversion of narcotics is a felony. Pratt protests that he didn’t steal any narcotics. Bald Suit asks “You don’t recall providing hydrocodone and ibuprofen to Ms. Nancy Campbell?” Pratt, remembering, says that Mrs. Campbell had gallstones. Bald Suit keeps at him “So you took a narcotic medication sample logged in to the emergency department?” Pratt begins to make an excuse and Suited Sulu reminds him that this is a felony punishable by prison. Uh oh, better not let Sam hear that, Pratt. She already said she’d shag you in the Shag, Shoot, or Marry game back in Heart of the Matter, in which case I’d go straight for the middle option before she gloms onto the last one … Pratt claims that Mrs. Campbell was suffering and he wanted to help her. Suited Sulu says that he volunteers for a free clinic himself but they follow the rules, they keep accurate records and they dispense medications with proper safety precautions. Always gotta follow Starfleet Command, don’t you, Sulu? He adds “And we’re there for our patients, Dr. Pratt”. Suited Sulu starts to ask if Pratt remembers the part about “Do no harm” and telling Pratt that it applies to him, too, when Pastor enters the room. Bald Suit tells him that they are in the middle of a meeting and Pastor introduces himself and says he would like to speak on behalf of Dr. Pratt. Pratt starts sporting an “oh shit” expression.

Neela stops in to see Smiling Girl and apologizes because she hasn’t been taken back to her room yet, but Smiling Girl’s just all happy to have a new kidney and isn’t going to sweat the small stuff. Neela picks up the urine output bag and holds it up saying “Happy Valentine’s Day”. Smiling Girl is smiling because who needs flowers and chocolates when they can have a container of pee instead because she thinks “Nothing says ‘I Love You’ like a bag of urine”. She asks Neela how her donor did and Neela says “fine” but tells her that because of privacy issues they’re not really allowed to discuss it. Smiling Girl stops smiling because she thinks this person saved her life and she wants to see him or her just once, so she has a face to think of in her prayers. Oh, if that’s what you’re looking for, just grab a gander at The Pretty, Smiling Girl. He’s the face in my prayers … Sigh …

Morris comes into Trauma Yellow and asks Abby and Sam how it’s going. A much more energetic Rico tells him “Okay, so the Democrats took over the House and the Senate. How long before the Republicans jack up the rent and evict them?”, then slaps his hands together all excited and pleased with himself like he’s just told The Aristocrats joke or something. Not sounding too convincing, Sam tells him that was pretty funny but he wants to know then why isn’t she laughing as Abby smirks. Sam says she is but Rico says “No, you’re not”. Abby takes a look at Rico’s labs and says that the hemocue is up to 11 after two units. Morris asks about antibiotics and Abby says that the zosyn is in as Rico starts making faces and grunting noises and says “I gotta go pee-pee”. Morris thinks that’s good because it means his kidneys are working. Sam holds out a portable urinal and Rico takes it and starts talking into it, “Hello? … Hello? … Quiet on the set …Thank you very much …” Why am I wishing that they got someone like Will Ferrell to play this role? I mean, I like Rico and all, but, Jeez, this ep could totally use more cowbell … Rico protests to Morris that he can’t pee in bed because he’s been standing up since he was four. Abby tells Morris that Rico’s pressure’s been pretty good, 101/68, so Morris tells them to get Rico a screen. Sam tells Rico to try to sit up and dangle his legs over the side of the bed, and Morris wants him to let them know if he’s feeling dizzy. Rico insists that he’s good, says he’s “got a little flop sweat, but that happens to the best of them”. He stands up and Abby takes off his nasal oxygen. Morris tells Rico that someone has to go with him but Rico says that he’s got a nervous bladder and a neurotic sphincter and that it seriously sucks, “I can’t pee in public and I’m afraid to fart in case I start a fire”. Sam smirks and leads him around the screen, telling him that they’ll wait on the other side, as Abby rolls her eyes and, tongue in cheek, shares an amused look with Morris. Abby tells Rico that this will be a good test. Morris wants to know of what, but Abby just narrows her eyes with a “just forget it” look. Rico, behind the screen, chimes in “… of the Emergency Broadcast System”, as he starts to make faces and groaning noises, saying “Ooooh, that is good …” and we hear the piss pouring. Lovely. He’s mumbling stupid, non-funny stuff, as Abby and Sam wait on the other side of the screen, getting impatient because this is taking forever. Abby even checks her watch as Rico goes on and on, like Tom Hanks’ peeing marathon in A League of Their Own. Abby and Sam exchange looks as Rico keeps on with his litany of what’s funny – “Bedpan – funny, catheter – not so funny” … Yeah, Rico, you’re not so funny either. Just as Abby says that maybe they can downgrade Rico to Tele from ICU, Rico’s eyes roll back in his head and he collapses backwards against the screen, startling Abby and Sam. Sam catches him and Abby helps steady him as Morris rushes over to help. They get him back on the bed and Sam says that his pressure is down to 60/40. Abby lowers the head of the bed and Morris says that Rico is septic. Abby calls for another two units of packed cells and Morris orders dopamine at 10 mikes. Abby shines a light in Rico’s eyes and asks if he can hear her, but he’s unresponsive. Morris rubs his sternum and asks him to open his eyes. Sam calls out that the sat’s are dropping. Abby tells her to put him on 100% non-rebreather. Morris says to open an intubation kit. Listening to his chest, Abby implores him “C’mon, there’s a spotlight on the curtains and they’re calling your name, Simon”.

McEgo walks into a school office. He spots Deej and calls over to her “Hey, baby girl”. She gathers up her stuff and comes over to him and they head out.

Abby calls out “Dopamine at 12 mikes” and Sam says that the systolic’s up to 110 as Rico starts to come around and pull the oxygen mask down off his face. He says “hey” to Abby and asks if he’s on next. She raises the head of the bed and asks him how it’s going. He wants to know what happened and Abby tells him that he took a little nap. Sam goes to inject something in his arm and tells him “Okay … little prick”, and he says “It’s just ‘cause it’s cold in here”. Hee. Sam smiles at him because that was actually funny. Morris puts the mask back over his nose and tells him that he has to keep that on, but Rico pulls it off again. Abby tells Morris that the sat’s are 100% and thinks they should try a nasal cannula, as she removes the mask. Rico looks at her and says “Hey, Abby … How about our deal?” She tells him she’s working on it. Morris wants to know what deal and not looking at him, Abby says that she thought they could try to buff Rico up so he could perform tonight. Morris can’t believe it and says that Rico is septic and that his BP’s dropped so low he needs continuous IV pressors. Rico wants to know what the hell that means. Morris says it means Rico’s not going anywhere. Abby interrupts and asks Morris to step outside. She adds “please” as she starts to head out and a surprised Morris follows her.

Manish and Neela are wheeling Smiling Girl down the surgical hall. Looking around nervously, Manish is bitching at Neela that she is asking him to break the most central rule of the entire program. Neela thinks it’s a dumb rule. Manish just stares at her for a minute before asking why this is so important to her. Neela says that it’s important to Smiling Girl, who explains to Manish that “part of him is going to be part of me for the rest of my life”. Neela tells Manish “Oh, come on”. He starts to give in when Moby catches them, yelling “Dr. Rasgotra! What are you doing?” Looking like a deer caught in the headlights, Manish tries to cover by saying that they’re waiting on some labs. Neela closes her eyes at the lameness of his excuse, as Moby berates him that it doesn’t even make sense. Neela can’t believe Manish couldn’t come up with something better than that. Manish tries to excuse that he’s not a doctor. Neela asks Moby if she can talk to him for a minute and leads him down the hall. She explains that she knows they’re not supposed to do this, but the donor saved her life and Smiling Girl just wanted to be able to see him in her prayers. Moby shakes his head at this and starts to say something, but Neela cuts him off saying in a tone like she doesn’t expect him to understand that she knows it’s unethical, “But it’s nice … And sometimes people like to do things for other people just to be nice”. Moby crosses his arms and stares at her before saying “Neela … Have I mentioned how well you are coming along?”, patting her on the shoulder as he walks away, leaving a surprised Neela standing there. She looks over at Manish and Smiling Girl and tells them “Okay … we’re good”. They roll Smiling Girl to the window where she can look in on her donor and they point him out to her. A grateful Smiling Girl, looking at her donor, whispers heartfelt, “Thank you … thank you …”

In the Trauma hallway, Abby turns to confront Morris, “You know, Morris, it’s his dream”. Wow, Rico really did get to you, didn’t he, Abby? She tells Morris “… and he’s gonna die”. Morris retorts that he’s going to do it here and not on some comedy club floor. Abby folds her arms, digs her heals in, leans against the wall and comes back at him that Rico’s blood count’s okay and he’s had antibiotics but Morris says that his pressure’s dopamine dependent. Abby asks “Well, what about intermittent pressors?” Morris says there isn’t one. Abby’s not giving in, “Epinephrine?”, but Morris says he can’t leave here on a drip. Abby thinks she can give him six epi pens, 0.3 mgs each, and Rico can give himself a shot once every 20 minutes. Morris can’t believe this and asks her “Are you outta your mind?” Well, hello, Morris … Haven’t you met Abby before? Abby wants to know why they can’t try it but Morris tells her flat out that he’s not doing it. Abby starts to walk away, dismissively telling him “I’m gonna find another Attending”. Morris says that he’s running the floor. Abby whirls around and tells him “Then get some balls”. Hee. Morris protests, not very convincingly, I might add, “I’ve got balls!”, but Abby thinks “Well, they’re no good unless you use them”. HA!!! I know I should totally be all over her shit for being a know-it-all and so disrespectful to her supervisor, but that was funny. Pissed, Morris tells her “Fine! Fine! You want to play ‘Super Doc’? Great. Turn up the dopamine, give him epi and show me that his pressure can stay up for at least 20 minutes!” Abby says “Fine” and heads back into Trauma Yellow. Morris growls, “Fine!” after her and makes a “you are so totally on my last nerve” grimace because he’s completely annoyed but knows there’s nothing he can do about it because she’s sleeping with the boss, the aforementioned 6’4” boss, who not only has proven on more than a few occasions to not take kindly to people giving her a hard time, but who himself has also been known to lose his balls around her … Bitch …

Pastor is preaching to the U that nobody builds hospitals or clinics in the inner city, which I have to totally call you on, Pastor, because I happen to work for a foundation that does precisely that … at least in Philadelphia … Pastor continues because they know that those people don’t have any money and that they’re “leeches on the system”. Pastor says that instead they go out to the ‘burbs and put up medical facilities on every corner, like Starbucks. Oh, and I so have to thank God, and Juan Valdez, for that, Pastor. Pastor continues that they are left with a hospital that is overrun, understaffed and underpaid. Suited Sulu protests that there are free clinics, but Pastor claims that most think those are for people with drug problems and sexually transmitted diseases. He says that they are talking about “regular folk”, “black and brown people who just need prescriptions”. Pastor thinks Pratt knew the system was flawed and tried to help mend it as some people come into the room and start to fill up the peanut gallery behind Pratt. Pastor says that he has a whole congregation ready to testify that taking away Pratt’s license would just be another demerit on a system that has already failed them.

Rico is sitting on the side of the bed and Abby is showing him how to inject himself with the spring-loaded epi pen. Abby says that all he has to do is press it against his thigh and it fires off a shot. Rico quips “Sounds like my high school years” and Abby chuckles. He asks if he can use it during his act and Morris tells him “As long as you pull your pants down”. Rico doesn’t think that’s a problem because luckily that’s his big finish. Hee. He looks over at Abby, grins and says “Or should I say my ‘average sized’ finish”. He starts to pass out and pitches forward, but Abby and Morris catch him and get him back on the bed. Sam says that Rico’s pressure dropped again and Morris wants to know how long it’s been since his last epi. Abby unhappily admits “Six minutes”. Morris tells her to push .2, and start dopamine. Abby peevishly curses, “Damn it!” and Morris told-you-so’s her with “This was a dumb idea. Epi has a one minute half life”. A groggy Rico jokes “I have a body part with that same problem”. Hee. Morris laughs, then in response to Sam’s shooting him a look, says “That was a good joke”. Sam and her washed-out bangs say that the BP is 89/64. Rico, looking around kind of out of it, asks if they know what the best thing about getting leukemia is, then answers that everybody comes to see you. Eyes wide, he tells them that the guys from the plant came, his ex-soccer coach came, looking at Abby he adds “even Father Donleavy came … It took three orderlies to get him out of the Pedes ward”. Hee. Abby smiles and tells him “That’s a keeper”. As Abby checks his belly, Rico puts his hand on Sam’s shoulder, telling her, “You know, I was going to kill tonight … instead I’m dying”. Sam looks over at Abby, then pats Rico’s hand. He turns to Abby and tells her he would have left her name at the door, but, smiling, says that something tells him he’s not going to make it. Abby looks at him thoughtfully for a moment, then tells him “Finish your act”.

Neela knocks on an apartment door with the number “22”. McEgo opens it and is all happy to see her. She hands him a bag and says that she brought him some food. He thinks that was sweet of her and invites her in. He apologizes for not being able to talk earlier and asks her if everything’s alright. She says “yeah” and that she just came by to say “hi”, so he says “Hi”. Neela smiles and asks if Deej is okay, but McEgo just shrugs. He says they were just sitting down to watch a movie and asks if she wants to join them, but Neela says she’s not going to stay. McEgo asks if he can talk to her for a second, and leads her to the sofa. He tells her that he’s been wanting to tell her something since the night they found Trixie in the car. He tells her that before she died, Trixie told him that Deej is his. Surprised, Neela wants to know if it’s possible, because she’d kind of been counting on the fact that the roadkill can’t multiply. He’s all hemming and hawing that it was 13 years ago and they were all messed up and high and how Keith, aka Mr. Trixie, would disappear for days and then he and Trixie … “it just happened”. Well, of course it did, McEgo. Couldn’t possibly have been your fault, now could it? And there’s no need for Neela to know about Trixie’s fur fetish or overgrowth obsession and how she just couldn’t help herself in the presence of such a specimen as yourself, is there? McAsshole. He tells her that it wasn’t a secret. Neela just stares at him as she tries to process this. She asks if he means that Deej really could be his McDaughter and he nods. Neela can’t believe that never occurred to him before and he says that he thought about it at first but when years went by and Deej didn’t sprout a five-o’clock shadow he just believed what everyone else believed. Deej calls down to McEgo. Neela gets up and heads for the door, saying that she should go. McEgo tries to tell that’s who he used to be but it isn’t who he is anymore. You mean he was worse??? Yikes … Didn’t think it was possible … Neela tries to pass it off as no big deal, but she can’t get out of there fast enough.

Pratt is waiting for the Board’s decision. He tells Pastor that he didn’t have to do this and Pastor kids him that the whole “black male incarceration bit” got to him. Pastor assures Pratt that he’ll be okay, but Pratt’s not looking so sure. Pastor tells him that there are laws in this world that we have to follow, but then there are God’s laws and He’ll have the last word in this. They turn towards the door to see Busy entering. She hurries to Pratt, who asks her what she’s doing there. She tells him that he covered for her, the least she could do is support him. The U Suits all enter the room and everyone moves to take a seat. Suited Sulu tells Pratt that the Board finds that he violated the Medical Practice Act and believes that these transgressions are adequate justification to suspend his medical license. Oh no. Pratt looks devastated. Suited Sulu continues, “However … In light of your attempt to help your community, we’ve decided to put you on probation for one year. Your practice will be monitored. You will need to perform 100 hours of community service. Perhaps finding a way to legalize a certain church-based clinic would be a good use of your time …” Pratt smiles and he and Pastor embrace happily as Amos Lee’s “Skipping Stone” starts playing … I don’t know … Busy jumps up and heads over to Pratt … If I can do this… Pratt sincerely thanks the Suits, who are all now smiling … Alone … Busy excitedly hugs Pratt …

… Oh, after all our … A bunch of the ER workers are gathered in Trauma Yellow, listening to Rico do his act … sweet love has flown … Camera circles around from a smiling Rico … I’ve been a-running … to a smiling Sam, standing next to the bed … I’ve been skipping like a stone … to Morris, who is laughing heartily … And I don’t know if I … to Abby, who’s also laughing, and looking at Rico encouragingly … I can do this … Alone …

When I met her … It’s nighttime and snowflakes are falling as Neela is walking down a busy sidewalk, lost in thought … She was standing by a door … Not paying attention to where she’s going, Neela walks into some guy, who excuses himself and she keeps going … I ain’t never seen a light like that before …

Now she’s left me … Ray opens up the refrigerator door and grabs a beer … For something more sure … He spots a picture of Neela and him under a magnet and takes it off to look at it … And I don’t know if I … I can do this …

… Anymore … Rico is lying on the gurney, his act over. He’s says “hey” to someone who’s just entered the room, then asks “How did I do?” Abby sits down in the stool next to him and tells him “You brought the house down”. An exhausted Rico tells her “Thank you … for being such a great audience” and Abby gives him a genuine, affectionate grin …

… ‘Cause lovers will come … McEgo is carrying a sleeping Deej to her bed … And lovers will go-o-o … He lays her down and puts a blanket over her … And it’s a rare seed from which true love might grow … He leans down and kisses her cheek …

… And if you see her … A clearly conflicted Sam is looking at brochures from the Tree Academies … Won’t you please say hel-lo-o-o … As the camera moves in on a photo of a young Splinter in a baseball uniform, holding one of his relatives, uh, I mean a “bat” …

Close-up of a stack of cd’s on a table as a hand picks up a classical one titled “Thinking in Melodies” and the camera pulls back to show us the owner of the hand … Luka … Looking lusciously lovely in his cream colored sweater with white-shirt underneath … ‘Cause I don’t know … We hear a door slam and Luka looks up to see a boot-wearing, skirted Abby looking at him as she hurries down the steps. Sounding a little breathless, she says quietly “Hey, you” as she moves quickly over towards where he’s sitting … If I can do this … He says “hey” then looks back down to the cd’s … Alone … He tells her that he decided to put their cd’s on the iPod. Oh, he really is just so wonderful, isn’t he? … Because that’s such a totally sucky job because it takes forever to do … When you’re done there, Luka, want to come over and do mine? … And do me, while you’re at it, too … Just saying … And it looks like Luka and Abby are wearing matching outfits again, in the same color family. Always a sign of finding Mr. Right … Bitch … Luka says “we don’t need all these anymore” as Abby decidedly flops down on the sofa beside him, facing him and focused completely on him as she tells him determinedly “I need to talk”. He glances over at her and asks if everything’s okay before going back to playing with the cd’s. Looking down and not sounding as sure as she did when she sat down, Abby starts, with the words kind of tumbling out, “Um … you know, when you were on the roof …”. Hearing that, he looks over at her. Still not looking at him, she puts her hand to her forehead, remembering what she was feeling and trying not to get too emotional, “I was thinking … about what I would do …”, then fidgeting, she plays with her hair, putting it behind her ear, still unable to look at him as she goes on “… if Joe didn’t have a father … and … um …” Realizing that there’s something really important she wants to say, Luka turns towards her as she looks up at him, and holding his look, tells him, “… if we didn’t have … each other …”, giving him a little nervous smile as she says it. She tells him “And I realized that if we can get through this … we could probably get through anything”. Moving his right arm to the back of the sofa, Luka leans towards her, a little worried, and asks quietly, “What’s going on?” Looking and sounding more than a bit vulnerable, Abby looks at him and says “I mean, have you ever wanted something so much, but … it scared the hell out of you?” Luka watches her, concerned. Abby looks at him, then down as she hesitates a second before saying “See here’s the thing … I just …” She looks up at him as she continues in a lighter tone, “Well, I changed my mind …” then looking at him hopefully, “… and I was wondering if you could ask me again”. Oh, wow … Luka, cute but as clueless as ever, is confused and asks “What?” Looking at him expectantly, Abby tells him earnestly, “Ask me again”, then grins at him. Luka’s expression softens as he looks at her, getting it, but he just waits, watching her anticipatively, needing to hear it as much as she needs to say it. Eyes filling but grinning happily, Abby tells him more assuredly, “Ask me … to marry you” … If you see her … Luka looks at her lovingly, pursing his lips and not quite successfully suppressing a smile … Won’t you please … Smiling, blushing and chuckling nervously, Abby bashfully ducks her head as Luka bites his lip and continues to gaze at her, adorably adoringly … Say hel-lo-o-o ... Luka takes both of her hands in his and stands, pulling her up with him … Cause I don’t know … They stand there grinning and gazing at each other, barely able to contain their happiness as they swing their hands slightly back and forth … If I can do this … Abby giggles a little as Luka gets down on one knee … and we slowly fade to black … Alone …

Awww … That was so incredibly sweet … and so in character … Wonderfully done …

But once again, my need to “Bitch” Abby is in direct conflict with the overwhelming desire to cheer her on with a, “You go, girl!”

… Bitch …