Thursday, November 16, 2006

ER 13.6 Heart of the Matter

Previously on ER: Neela’s Med Student, Katie, who looks like Phoebe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, asks Ray out; Pratt’s half-brother Chaz suggests that he move in with Pratt; Curtis Ames, aka the wonderful Forest Whitaker, aka Charlie Parker in Bird, interrupts Luka’s peeing to bitch that he came into the ER with a cough and Luka sent him out a cripple; Bird’s lawyer, aka Maggie Wheeler, aka Janice from Friends badgers Luka on the Witness Stand and Luka loses his cool; Angela from Staff Services, who reminds me of Iman, tells Luka that it will be good to get him in front of the press as the doctor found “not guilty”, and he thinks she’s very optimistic; Neela kisses Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, but considering the self-love he’s spreading through the media will forever after be Uncle Ego to me, he stops and tells her he’s sorry and Neela says that she doesn’t want to be alone.

Pounding beat of Goldfrapp’s “Ooh La La” starts playing … Switch me on … as we see a seductively smiling Neela move slowly toward … Turn me up … Uncle Ego. Oh, great. And he’s wearing a wifebeater. Perfect. Neela looks like she not wearing anything except that smirk as she kisses him … I want to touch you, you’re just made for love … and they fall back onto what looks like it could be the bed in Abby’s apartment … that bed’s certainly seen a lot of action … But from this passionless, closed-mouth kissing, I think the bed doesn’t have to worry about scorch marks being left, unlike when Abby and Luka got busy on it in I Do last year … Bitch … I need la la la la la la la … Now they’re up against the wall … I need ooh la la la la … Neela pulls the wifebeater over Uncle Ego’s head and off … I need la la la la la la … Neela’s back’s against the wall and Uncle Ego’s kissing her, and moving down her body out of frame Uncle Ego is slowly removing what looks like it could be burgundy colored satin panties … I need ooh la la la la … Cut to candles burning and the camera slowly pulling up to show … shower doors, and the outline of two bodies … Since when does Abby’s place have a shower stall with glass doors? Must have happened when her apartment somehow moved downstairs in the building, too … Am I going to have to call shenanigans again, ER? … We’ve seen shower doors in Luka’s apartment, and in Ray’s too, considering we saw Neela and her then almost husband, Michael Gallant, aka Plank for the woodenness of his acting, but now known as Deadwood, in the shower together the morning they decided to get married. And we unfortunately were subjected to the Shower Stall of Sickeningly Sterile Sexless Sponging at Carter’s place when he pulled Abby into the shower, keeping her from an AA meeting, for some considerably colorless completely crappy cold-fish coitus in Dead Again in Season 9 … Cause up and round me … The room is all fogged up because we’re supposed to think that them getting it on in the bath is just so sexy, but it’s really just kind of seedy … Ugh … Uncle Ego is so not Dreamy, or the least bit Steamy … Just McSleazy … or McMildew … But the humidity level is definitely up a few more notches than Carter’s boring banausic barren bath of absurdly arid anesthetized amour … Teasing your poetry … Uncle Ego, with a white towel wrapped around his waist, is carrying a towel-clad Neela to the bed. And those white towels look like the kind you’d steal from a hotel, and are so not the same beige and beige/white-checked towels that were just shown hanging in the bathroom. Annoying. On the bed now, Uncle Ego’s on top, kissing her and she has her hands wrapped around his neck. He’s sporting some kind of tattoo on his right upper arm, but I can’t make out what it is, and frankly don’t care enough to rewind and re-watch any of this scene that I’m already just praying will end soon … Ugh, Neela … going from blocky tree log to cocky scene hog … wood pole to ass-hole … Gallant may have been wooden, but at least his foliage was pretty … McBristly is just mc-nasty Switch me on … He starts moving down her body … Turn me up … The camera pans around Neela … Oh Child of Venus, you’re just made for love … Neela tries to look like she’s enjoying this, but her expression is really more like she’s in pain … probably because she’s getting rug-burn from McStubble … I need la la la la la la … We hear pounding at the door, and a disoriented and disheveled Neela sits up quickly on the couch where she had apparently fallen asleep. Oh, thank God that was just a dream … McNightmare … I really don’t want to have to think about anyone actually starting to ship Neela and Uncle Ego … Uncla … Neego … Egola … Cause that really would be a virus … Neela’s all panting, out of breath. I’m going to believe it’s from the door startling her, and not from McSoggy. Neela’s place is a mess, too. Looks like she had been studying. Books with post-it notes stuck to them, a highlighter, paper pads and a half-eaten plate of food are all lying on the table. Neela’s still a little discombobulated as the pounding on the door continues. She looks over at the clock and sees that it just past 6:30 a.m. She yells “Well, I’m coming”, which I guess considering the dream you were just woken from, might be accurate … She adds “I’ll be there in a second”, and heads towards the door, asking who it is. It’s Ray. She opens the door, all “What are you doing here???” He looks at her questioningly, and reminds her that she wanted him to look at her TV. He comes in as she bitches that it’s 6:30. He says that they have to be in work in an hour, and he brought Krispy Kremes. Awww. Bet McMuggy didn’t ply you with pastries before the fantasy fornication, did he, Neela? Neela sighs and holds her head and Ray asks if she’s okay. She says she’s just a “little out of sorts”. She tells him her cable isn’t working and he says he’ll take a look at it. She tells him that she’s going to go get dressed, chuckling a little embarrassedly. He joins in the chuckling, watching her walk off with a “What’s with her?” look, and she turns back around, shooting him “Don’t even start” look back.

Abby and Luka are walking towards the Ambulance Bay, carrying coffees. Whoa … bad hair day Abby. With the lighter color, the pulled-back off your forehead, long in the back thing is just not flattering to you. They’re going to revoke your Hairdressing license … Beauty School Dropout … turn in your teasing comb and go back to high school … No graduation day for you … Missed your mid-terms … and unbelievably because you have a live-in expert, flunked shampoo … Revisiting Season 9 hair is so not a good idea, as the storyline and the asexual sex associated with it worked out just so well for you, Abby … Though I guess you do get points for staying in the color palettes of your men – last week you had on a MoJo green, today you’re wearing Luka Blue II … Bitch … Luka’s Mood Ring … I mean “shirt color” is grey, today, probably matching his disposition because of the lawsuit. Luka’s worried because the jury’s been out three days, and he thinks that’s too long. Abby thinks that it’s a lot of complicated stuff and assures him “You’re going to be fine”. An ambulance starts to pull in behind them, and beeps. Abby turns and looks, and starts to move out of the way as Luka reaches his right hand over and puts it on her back, protectively guiding her out of the way. Awww. That’s sweet … Bitch … Jauntily, she tells him “And remember we have the Croatian Film Festival tonight …”, smiles and puts her right hand up over her chest as she facetiously teases, trying to lighten him up, “… Something I know I’ve really been looking forward to”. Hee. He grins as she continues, chuckling, “Maybe it will take your mind off it”. He thinks that sounds good.

Neela gets off the elevator and walks into the ER. She spots Uncle Ego over near the board. He waves and says good morning, and she changes direction a little and goes up to Frank, overly animated, she asks him how the weather is. He says that “Hurricane Up Yours” is about to hit. Considering McAsshole is standing just a few feet behind you, I’m thinking it’s already arrived, Frank. Frank pissily asks Neela what she wants because he’s filing. As she glances repeatedly over his shoulder, Neela says that she’s just making small talk, though everyone knows on this show it’s “little talk”, Neela. She asks Frank how it’s going. Frank says she never wants to know how he’s doing, and asks if he’s being Punk’d … Oh, God, I hope so, Frank … I’d so rather see me some Ashton Kutcher … McYummy … than Uncle Ego … McScummy. Neela insincerely says that of course she wants to know how Frank is and asks how his family’s doing. Frank starts to tell her that his wife has a goiter and his kid has a hard time holding a job … as Neela sees something, and since she could care less about Frank’s wife’s neck growth, blows him off with “I gotta go” and hurries away. McIrritating comes towards her, asking what she’s doing later and if she wants to “hook up”. Sorry, McTooLate, she’s already “hooked up” with you today, albeit delusionally, and we don’t need to see anymore of that. Neela questions “hook up???” … As for you Troy Donahue … I know what you wanna do … He explains to prep for the M&M. McCocky thought he would give her a head’s up before he “kicks her ass”. Um, she may be petite, but I’m pretty sure Neela could lay a smackdown on you, McDelusional. Neela thinks it’s an educational exercise, not Survivor. McCharmless thinks that “somebody has her panties in a wad”. A little discomfited like she’s been caught out, Neela wants to know “Who’s talking about my panties?” Keep your filthy paws off her silky drawers … Would you pull that crap with Annette? … McCaricature shrugs exaggeratedly. Neela hurries off, telling him that she’ll try to find him later. McScowl turns around to Frank bitching that “Women are weird”. Frank corrects “No, Neela’s weird”, because he thinks Indian and Brit is a bad combination. I don’t know, Frank, curried kippers are sounding pretty good to me right now … Okay, so I didn’t have any lunch …

Morris comes up to Admit saying that Channel 5 wants a well-spoken, photogenic, ER professional to do a health piece and wants to know if anyone is interested. Drinking her coffee from a big green mug and reviewing the board with Ray, Weaver turns around and says “Uh, lets start with ‘no’ and work from there”. Hee. I love Weaver. Morris asks Ray “Pretty Boy, you in?” “Pretty Boy”? Ray? I admit he’s grown on me a bit, but … come on, Morris … there’s only one Pretty in that ER … and it sure ain’t Ray, or you, or McScruffy. As Sam walks past him, Ray says sorry, and points to his head “Bad hair day”. Hee. McMangy volunteers, but Morris says that he’s a “newbie”. Sam suggests “What about Kovac?” Though I’m so with you on the nomination, Sam, don’t make me warn you again about impinging on The Pretty … And must be raining on prom night, because your hair’s a mess, too … What is it with the hair situation on this show this ep? As I keep telling you, people, it’s All About the Hair. Considering Abby’s is looking shabby, too, and before the hair situation gets too out of control, I’m thinking it’s time she and Luka resumed the Hairdresser and Shampoo Boy antics and started up the Mobile Hair Salon in the hospital again … Bitch … Morris says that Luka is “worn out” because “The Gremlin” is not sleeping. I sure hope you’re not talking about Mongo Joe Kovac, aka MoJo. ‘Cause you’d better not let MoJo hear you saying that, Morris. He’s already proven his good taste and aim by sousing you with the spit-up, don’t make him utilize his Barf Bomb. And though he may be all into ‘80’s music, I’m pretty sure Abby might not take too kindly to you referring to her son as one of that decade’s cheesiest movie monsters. Not to mention ugliest. And implying “ugly” around anything named Kovac is so grounds for me going all Chuck Norris … Morris. Morris asks Sam if she wants to do it. She Botox-scowls that no one wants to hear from a nurse. Frank guesses that it’s “all you, Morris”. Morris false modestly scoffs that he couldn’t possibly, then says “Well, if you guys are forcing me …”, then dips his head saying “okay”.

Luka, Olbes the Paramedic, and Intern Hope, played by Busy Phillips, who played Kelly, the nemesis of Linda Cardellini’s character, Lindsay in Freaks and Geeks, are bringing in a guy on a gurney who had been clipped by an SUV while riding his Harley. Luka calls over to Admit that Abby’s got the driver and for Ray to come with him. Iman comes up, following the gurney, and telling Luka that she needs to talk to him, but he doesn’t respond. Harley is telling them that his wife had wanted him to get a bicycle and she’s going to “kill me for this”. Iman tells Luka that the jury has a verdict. Luka looks up at her, then away, as he keep wheeling the gurney towards Trauma. He calls for a c-spine, x-ray and trauma panel. He makes excuses to Iman that he’s a little busy right now. Iman looks at him pointedly and keeps following. She tells him that she told the court that they’d be there within the hour. Luka again looks quickly at her, and disregards this, as they keep moving Harley, then asks Busy what the protocol is for intubation. As Busy spouts stuff off, Iman tells Luka that Weaver can cover for him, but he brushes this off by telling Busy that Harley has a head injury and asking if she wouldn’t want to use lidocaine first. Busy says “yeah” and that it reduces the ICP response to the intubation, and Luka tells her “good … good”. Iman can’t believe him and says “Luka?!?!” He blows her off by saying that they have two major trauma patients coming in, and moves to the other side of the table to move Harley from the gurney. Iman’s getting fed up with his evasiveness and tells him that this is important and he needs to be there. Luka ignores her and they transfer Harley to the table. Iman wants to know what he’s doing and he retorts “My job!” as we move to new funky opening montage.

Iman is standing in the hallway with Weaver, telling her “You gotta talk to Luka”. She informs Weaver that knowing Bird’s lawyers, the press has already been called and asks rhetorically if she knows how bad County is going to look if Luka doesn’t show up. Weaver tells Iman to go. Heading towards Trauma Green, Weaver promises that she’ll make sure Luka gets there.

Weaver bursts into Trauma Green as Luka is bagging Harley and calls to hang a liter of saline. Weaver addresses him and tells him that she just spoke with Iman, and that he should go. Not looking at her, he asks bitterly “Why? So a bunch of people who don’t understand what we do here can pass judgment on me?”, before glaring up at her. Weaver wants him to think about how it reflects on his department if he doesn’t show up to address the press. He barks out an order for a gram of ancef, and Busy mildly tells him that she thinks he’s already asked for that. He glances over at her and Chuny says that it’s hanging. Luka purses his lips and looks around a little chagrined. Weaver tells him to let her take over from here as the lights go out in the city, and the sun shines on the bay … Ray’s all “What the hell?” as everything shuts down and the room gets as dark as Luka’s bat cave. Weaver eyes Luka as she takes over control of the situation and calmly tells Chuny to get Maintenance down there. Shouldn’t Luka have done that? It is his department, after all. Maybe he’s so used to dim lighting that he didn’t even notice the power outage. Luka quickly looks at Weaver, then away again, sounding a bit resigned as he says that Harley is going to need a portable monitor for CT anyway. Weaver looks quizzically at Luka as he tells Ray to hook Harley up and let’s go. He snaps of his gloves and heads out.

Luka slams through the doors with Weaver following, as they roll out Harley behind them. Luka stomps down the hall a ways with Weaver saying after him that she’s been through this. He turns to face her and she explains that five years ago she had a patient with a runny nose who she sent home with meningitis, as Luka looks at her, listening. She was sure that the jury was going to nail her and says promisingly that they didn’t. Luka looks down at the floor again. A caring Weaver tells him, as his friend, that hiding out there is sending the wrong message, and asks if that’s what he wants to do as he looks at her, a little discomposed. Luka hears Pratt giving some orders and looks down the hall to see Pratt, Haleh and Abby wheeling a gurney. Luka stares at Abby. Weaver turns to see what he’s looking at, as Abby looks over at the two of them, until distracted by the patient. The guy’s head is strapped to the gurney and he is agitatedly asking if someone can call his wife because he was supposed to pick her up at Union Station. Luka keeps watching Abby intently as she tells Head Strap, “Why don’t we just concentrate on getting you better right now, okay?” Starting to move Head Strap into Trauma Yellow, Abby looks back at Luka and smiles reassuringly at him as she pushes the gurney through the doors. Luka glances down, considering. Weaver looks back at Luka. Bolstered a bit, Luka quietly asks Weaver if she’ll be okay without him. She says they’re fine and pointing down the hall, tells him to just go. Weaver heads off and Luka starts back down the hall towards Admit. A confused looking Asian woman carrying a big tote bag stops him and with a heavy accent, tells him that she’s looking for Morris. Before Luka can answer, Morris spots her and comes running down the hall saying “Miss Paik!” He hustles her away, explaining to a couldn’t-care-less Luka that she’s a pre-med student who wanted a tour of the hospital. Luka keeps going down the hall and Miss Paik demands “Why am I here, Archie?!”

In Trauma Yellow, Haleh yells “500 cc’s” and tosses an IV to a random nurse, but she throws it a little high, and Random fails miserably trying a backhanded grab. Nice, Random. Pratt calls for another liter wide open, and Abby wants someone to toss her the betadine. I wouldn’t let Haleh do it, Abby, unless you want that red stuff all over your white labcoat. Though according to your mom you were apparently some sort of softball “all star”, though I’ve seen no evidence of that skill set from you yet, so supposedly, you’d be better with the catching than Random. Pratt calls for a CBC, trauma panel and to type and cross for six, as he gets the betadine and squirts it on some gauze that Abby is holding. Haleh says she’ll prime the infuser as Head Strap’s cell phone goes off. Abby picks it up and tells him it says “Helen” and he says that’s his wife. Abby asks Haleh to put it on speaker, and we hear Mrs. Head Strap ask “hello?” Putting on protective glasses, Abby says “Mrs. Palsey?” and we hear a pissy Mrs. Head Strap ask “Who the hell is this???” Pratt’s calling for a second line. As Abby is being helped on with a yellow trauma gown, she tells Mrs. Head Strap “This is Dr. Lockhart” … Mrs. Head Strap is all “Who???” and asks Head Strap if he’s still at work and that’s why he didn’t pick her up at the train station. Head Strap, whose head is actually no longer strapped but too bad for him because I’ve already nicknamed him and I’m not changing it now, tells her that he’s in the hospital. Mrs. Head Strap says disbelievingly “The what???” as Pratt tells Haleh to do the foley. Is Mrs. Head Strap not hearing the beeping monitors and all the orders barking? Haleh tells Head Strap that he’ll feel a stick as Abby asks Mrs. Head Strap if she’s driving, because apparently Abby’s got the same pet peeve I do about people distractedly talking on the phone while driving so that they end up drifting into my lane therefore cutting me off so that I have to swerve to avoid hitting them then turn the wheel frantically to avoid become road pizza by the oncoming semi I got forced into the path of … Good times … Mrs. Head Strap bitches that her daughter’s driving, “… thanks to Mr. Dependable here”. Pratt calls for a portable c-spine, chest and pelvis and while filling a syringe, Abby tells Mrs. Head Strap that her husband’s been in an accident and she needs to get to County General because he’s been seriously injured. Mrs. Head Strap finally gets it and, all panicky, tells them that she’ll be there as soon as she can.

Sam is the Curtain Area introducing a new nurse, Dawn Archer, to Ray and Phoebe, who are standing next to a patient’s bed. Sam says that Dawn’s just moved here from New Orleans and used to work at Charity. Ray introduces himself, then Phoebe does. Seems Neela’s there too, and she introduces herself. McButtinski calls over from where he’s squatting next to a girl in a wheelchair “Hey, Neela, come check this out”. Ray dismisses him by saying that Neela’s busy. McArrogant thinks there’s enough of Neela to go around. Neela tells Phoebe that they’ll reassess then hurries over to McIncubus, probably hoping her narcolepsy kicks in and they can finish what they started before the concocted coitus was all Raytus interruptus. Ray shoots Neela a look as she goes over to see the 15 year old girl’s “inverted ankle”. Poor Ray … Stranded at the drive-in … Branded a fool … What will they say? … Monday at school … Neela’s not impressed by what she sees and asks “And?” McCheeky thinks it looks angulated, which Neela says is terrible but she’s not Ortho. McBogus claims he got confused and smiles at her. Ugh. Ray shakes his head at this, and I am so with you on the McGross disgust, Ray. … My darling … You hurt me real bad … You know it’s true … But believe me when I say … I’m hopeless without you … Phoebe watches Ray’s reaction, then asks him if he wants her to get the sonosite. He stammers, then addresses McGenuflect, who Neela is now kneeling beside, telling him that they are really busy over here. As Neela heads back over to Ray and company, she suggests to McFlirty that he start off with an x-ray, which he thinks is a brilliant idea. Neela’s beeper goes off and she asks Ray if they’ve got it from here before telling Phoebe that they’ve got to go. Ray tells her that he’ll call her after the ultrasound, but Neela’s already started walking off, not paying any attention. … Love has flown … All alone … I sit and wonder why-y-y … McSuddenlyAllHelpless asks for someone to wheel Ankle Girl to x-ray, but nobody’s listening to him. When he asks “please?”, Sam tells Dawn that it’s all her. McManners introduces Dawn to Ankle Girl, who weirdly and very quickly says that it’s so nice to meet her and she’s so been looking forward to this day. Dawn sasses that they’re going to Radiology, not Disneyland. Hee. I like Dawn already. I hope that Chuny and Haleh, founding members of the Snarky Nurse Club, let her join. Ankle Girl waves her hand around and says “Marvelous, squared”. McExplanation tells Dawn that Ankle Girl goes to Mountainview, which is a school for kids with special needs. Hey, Sam, did you hear that? Maybe you should look into that place for your son, New Alex, or Newlex, who must be Plank’s bastard child because the acting resemblance is just so uncanny that I now have to call him Splinter. I’m sure going to a regular school and having to take Woodshop is traumatic for him … Ankle Girl starts babbling about the train schedule and missing connections, and McCurious asks the man with her why she goes to the school. Man is just an aide, but says that all the students have some sort of developmental disorder, as Ankle Girl starts seriously checking out McHeartthrob. And to add to his already full-to-bursting ego, Ankle Girl tells McBodybuilder that he has “wonderful pecs”. Dawn laughs as Ankle Girl asks McMuscles why he hides them under “that unflattering white coat”. And that is so not an invitation to take it off, McBeefcake. Ugh. McProfessional tells Dawn to do a tox screen after the film. McModesty pulls his labcoat tight around him as he walks away.

Iman meets Luka, looking delicious in a suit with his overcoat draped over his arm, in the hallway and tells him that she’s glad he made it. Always the gentleman, Luka holds the door open for Iman as they enter the courtroom. As he walks in, Luka spots Bird standing behind the Plaintiff’s Table, facing his kids, who are sitting in the gallery. Bird stares at him, his eyes following Luka as he walks to the Defense Table. Bird’s daughter asks him if they’re going to win. Bird smiles and assures his kids that of course they’re going to win and they didn’t come this far for nothing. He looks away towards the bench, biting his lips apprehensively, before turning back and reassuring them again.

Pratt is bagging Head Strap at a rate of 16 and asks somebody to call for a vent. Haleh’s having trouble getting another IV and Pratt tells Neela to throw in a femoral. Neela suggests a sternal interosseous line, but Pratt says they don’t have them down there. Haleh corrects him that they do and they got them three weeks ago. Neela says that the Army uses them a lot in Iraq as Abby jumps back a little as she gets sprayed with blood, saying that there’s 500 cc’s out of the chest. Ray comes in asking for the ultrasound but Abby tells him they need it. Phoebe calls out that the hemocue’s 8.5 as Abby says that Head Strap is bleeding into the chest. Neela remarks that the cool thing is that Abby’s already cut the chest for her. Chief Surgical Resident Crenshaw, aka Moby for his skinhead likeness to the singer, bursts in and snidely asks “What do you got?” They ignore him as Haleh says that the systolic is still 80 and Pratt says he’s going to do a central line. Neela tells him not to bother, and to let her try this. Neela places a sticker with a hole cut out like a target on Head Strap’s chest, then places a fat tube thingy where the hole is. Moby starts to tell her to wait, but Neela goes ahead, then says she’s got it and orders for the saline to be run and Abby calls for the thoraseal to be hooked up. Moby smirks and begins to say that he doesn’t think that’s the way you … and both Phoebe and Ray are all impressed and tell Neela “very nice”. Pratt comments “Wow! Ultrasound to Neela”, as Moby rolls his eyes and bitches to Neela that he’s missing an esophageal resection to respond to her trauma call and that he’d appreciate the bullet now as he glares at her. As Neela looks at the ultrasound, she matter-of-factly states that Head Strap is a 50 year old involved in an auto vs. motorcycle hypotensive with pneumothorax and fluid in the Morrison’s, o neg’s running through a sternal i.o., chest tube and airway are secure and he’s ready for the OR, ordering “let’s pack him up and take him upstairs”. Moby says fine, but he wants her to get right back to the ER for consults. Neela declares that she wants to scrub in on this one. Moby, pretending he didn’t hear her correctly, asks “I’m sorry?” Then he goes on that it’s at the discretion of the Chief Resident, who is him. He arrogantly tells her that having considered her request, he’s answering with a resounding “no”, then patronizes that he wants her to stay down there with her little ER buddies and cover ER consults.

Ray and Phoebe exit into the hallway. Ray looks back into the Trauma Room, all concerned, and says “Poor Neela”. Phoebe wants to know if Neela is why he hasn’t called her. Ah, Ray … When love is unrequited, the whole world is a load of crap … Dylan Thomas, 1988 … Ray doesn’t know what she’s talking about and protests that he’s been very busy. Phoebe thinks it’s okay and that playing “Who’s your daddy?” doesn’t make them a couple. Oh, I get it, Phoebe … You got what you wanted from Ray, right? Then you snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled bear trap … Ray’s all “hold on”, grabbing her by the arm and trying to get her to show a little discretion instead of blurting it out to the whole ER. Oh, Ray. You should know by now that Phoebe’s a bit of a … How do you say it? … hmmm … Slut? Phoebe assures him there are no worries and that it was “good”, then qualifies, “Just … not that good”. All disbelieving, Ray wants to know what in the hell that is supposed to mean? Phoebe tells him “You have to move your hips, honey”. Elvis … Elvis … let me be … keep that pelvis far from me … Phoebe admonishes “You’re not touring with the Grateful Dead” and Ray protests “I move my hips!” Well you know, Ray … With new pistons, struts and shocks … You can get off your rocks … Weaver overhears and tells him “Well then move them over to Admit” because they’ve got two GSW’s and an anti-freeze ingestion coming in … Yikes … just ‘cause it’s automatic, systematic, hy-y-dromatic, doesn’t mean it’s not melodramatic, problematic, traumatic, and idiosyncratic, Anti-freeze Absorber … Yuck …

Weaver is walking with a couple of maintenance guys, telling them that she can’t afford to close a trauma room. Maintenance Guy One asks if they had a problem there before, and Maintenance Guy Two responds “Just a shoot-out a few months back”. Weaver thinks only God knows what got hit in the walls. Well, considering this ER has had shit dripping from its ceilings, I’m inclined to be a bit fearful of what’s behind those walls, too, Weaver. Though the shootout didn’t occur near Trauma Green or Sutures, so I doubt anything got hit. That is, unless Abby landed on something in the floor when she collapsed on it or Luka damaged something in the walls when he somehow managed to spin the gurney he was tied to around 180 degrees to be facing in the opposite direction in the Season premiere from where he was in last season’s finale … Weaver leads them into the darkened Trauma Green and Maintenance Guy One says that they are going to need to check the panel box and open the wall. Weaver tells them to do what they have to do, as we see Morris laughing in Sutures. He looks over and spots Weaver in the trauma room, and quickly grabs a blanket off the unconscious patient lying on the bed, and throws it over Miss Paik, who appears to be giving him a manicure. She kneels down on the floor behind a stool and under the blanket as Morris quickly stands up and faces the patient, looking at him like he’s contemplating something. Weaver comes in the room, scowling and asking if something is going on in there. Morris not very believably says “no”, and indicates the snoring “Benny”, the patient, saying he got “jacked” and Morris is just sewing him up. Weaver doesn’t understand how this is funny. Morris covers that Benny was talking in his sleep and told a real zinger, as a skeptical Weaver frowns even harder at him. She hears Miss Paik making some noise and looks over at the big blob blanket-covered stool trying to figure out what it is as Miss Paik drops something, and Morris keeps blathering. A leery Weaver glowers at him then turns and walks out, probably heading off for a Botox treatment before the forehead crease has a chance to set permanently. Morris tells Miss Paik that Weaver’s gone and she whips the blanket off, knocking some of her supplies on the floor as Morris bitches at her to “watch the cuticles’, then tells her that the last time he was “bleeding like a hemorrhoid”. Well, that makes sense, seeing are you are such a bloody pain in the ass, Morris …

McRadiologist is looking at Ankle Girl’s films and pointing a fracture out to Dawn, and telling her that it needs reduction and a fluoro. Dawn asks if he’s going to sedate her for that, and McSoporific says yes and orders some meds. McFriendly asks Dawn how it’s going as they head back to the Curtain Area. Dawn says that everyone seems really friendly as they draw back the curtains to reveal a proudly disrobed Ankle Girl, who raises her arms saying “Happy Birthday!” Dawn and McOgle stare at her and Dawn adds, “Even the patients” … Hee …

Dire Dreaded Discordant Drone of Constricted Climactic Courtroom Circumstances as the jury enters. The Beaky Bespectacled Balding Bench-sitter from last week takes his place and asks the jury foreman if they have reached a verdict. Younger Female Juror, whom I had suspected of being the foreperson, says that they have and the Overwrought Ode of Odious Outcomes intensifies. Younger Female Juror hands a paper to the bailiff, as Bird exchanges a look with Janice, and Luka anxiously bites his lip and looks off. Beaky begins to read the verdict, “In the matter of Ames vs. Kovac …” as the camera closes in on Luka’s stressed, yet superbly splendiferous, face. Yum. As Beaky continues, the camera switches from keyed-up Kovac to apprehensive Ames, then back to Beaky. “… Docket number 06CH75255 … We the jury, find in favor of the Defendant”. Yay!!! An audible gasp is heard from the gallery as the camera closes in on a stunned Bird. Luka takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and letting a little relief in. Bird looks floored, and can’t believe what just happened. Beaky thanks and excuses the jury. Luka shakes hands with Power Tie, his attorney, and Curly Hair, the associate. Bird looks around, like he doesn’t quite know what to do now, as he heads over to his disappointed kids. Luka shakes hands with a smirking Iman, then gathers up his belongings. He glances over at Bird, who stares at him for a second before turning his focus to his kids. Luka looks over at him with an expression that’s both sympathetic for what he’s going through, yet also relieved by the outcome. Luka turns to leave and Power Tie pats him on the back as they head out. A distressed Bird looks back at the Bench in dismay and disbelief.

A surgically garbed Neela is giving the bullet on Head Strap to Dubenko while he scrubs in. OR Shirley comes in to tell him that they’re ready for him, and Neela asks if he needs any help in there. Dubenko asks if there is something else she should be doing. She responds not if he requires her assistance. As he opens the door to the surgical theatre with his butt, Dubenko tells her “Alright, then, scrub in”.

McExplanation is filling Weaver in on Ankle Girl. Weaver thinks it all sounds good and tells him to “follow up with Ortho in a week”. McDelay tells her that there’s one more thing, he talked to Ankle Girl’s school and she has Asperger Syndrome, which is described as a pattern of behaviors in people who have normal intelligence and language development, but who also exhibit autistic-like behaviors and marked deficiencies in social and communication skills. Thanks, OASIS (Online Asperger Syndrome Information and Support). Weaver so what’s him with, “And?” McPaternal thinks Ankle Girl’s a little sexually forward for her age. Weaver looks over and sees Ankle Girl flirting with some hospital personnel guy and guesses that’s her. She adds that this is seen sometimes with Asperger’s. McPillPusher is thinking about giving her some meds, which Weaver thinks may be a little too proactive. McPharmacist thinks that physically ankle girl is a teenager, but mentally she’s still a little kid and he doesn’t think she can take care of herself. Weaver is about to answer when she hears a small guy bitching that he doesn’t need a wheelchair and trying to get up, as Morris pushes him back into the seat, all solicitous of Weaver and spouting that it’s policy for all patients. Small Guy is yelling “Let go of me, Morris! … Stop touching me!” Weaver quizzically scowls again at Morris as he passes. Treatments don’t last if you don’t at least try to keep your face still, Kerry. Not sure what Morris is up to, Weaver watches him, then turns back to McGynecologist and tells him that before he can do any kind of birth control, he needs to check an icom and do a pelvic, which she’ll supervise.

Weaver heads towards Admit and is about to pass Abby and Pratt with a mousy-haired patient on a gurney. Pratt stops her and asks if she can see his patient in Four who’s been there fourteen hours for a pre-employment physical. Weaver asks “He doesn’t have a primary care doc?”, but Pratt just gives her a “you know the deal” shrug. Weaver gripes that it’s a classic misuse of the ER as she heads off. We hear a beeper go off and see Moby shutting his off with a flourish then bitchily says “Dr. Lockhart! Five pages in forty-five minutes, I hope someone’s dying”. Saucily, Abby indicates Mousy Hair and tells him it’s a stab wound to the right shoulder and she thought he’d like to know. He tells her deliberately “Get Rasgotra” and says that he’s scrubbing in on an esophageal g-endoscopy. He turns to leave and Pratt tells him to hold up, because Neela’s in the OR with an MVC. Moby turns around patronizing that Neela’s there covering the ER. Abby corrects him sarcastically, “Nooo … Neela’s in the OR”. Moby wants to know if she’s trying to irritate him. Abby shrugs, shares a look with Pratt and cheekily replies, “Well, you make it so easy”. Hee.

Busy is stitching up Harley’s shoulder and Ray is supervising. Harley thinks his wife is going to be pissed, but Busy tells him that he was hit by a car, and it’s not his fault. Harley says that the only times he’s seen her mad is the day he brought the motorcycle home and the day they met. Ray questions that and Harley says that she’s a photographer and that she was in the park doing a shoot for Chicago magazine and he kept getting in the picture. Ooh, I’d be mad at that, too, Harley. I have a gazillion pictures from The Louvre that all have this little Japanese man’s head peeking in them. Every single one. It’s like he followed me around and purposely put his head in at the last second … So instead of a photo of Venus de Milo, I have a photo of Penis de Asshole … Prick … Busy laughs and asks if he did it intentionally. He said not at first, but when he saw it was getting to her, he kept doing it and told her he’d stop if she’d give him her number. Ray guesses that worked. Harley says that they were engaged six months later. Ray heads off to check on another patient and Harley tells Busy that he and Mrs. Harley had been through some tough times, but she got them through them. Busy thinks it’s nice to have someone like that.

A woman from Radiology comes down asking who’s taking care of Harley. Getting a look at her, Pratt answers “I wish I was”. Ray wants to know why the hand-delivery when they could have seen it on the PAX. Smiling and all Rico Suave, Pratt eyes up Radiology Woman and says “Come on, Ray. It was just an excuse to come down and see me. Right?” ‘Cause Pratt’s The Ladies Man, an expert in the ways of love and he’s made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society... bus station skank. Radiology Woman “wrong” ‘s him, and hands Ray the film, as Abby comes up behind him and takes a look over his shoulder. They’re all react to what they see and Radiology Woman asks what Harley’s primary cancer is. Ray says that he came in as Trauma. Radiology Woman says that the ventricles look good, there’s no midline shift, no edema, as a woman hurries up to the desk saying that her husband is Garrett Palsey, better known by me as Head Strap, and he was brought in. Abby turns around and comes over to her, introduces herself and says that she worked on him. Abby picks up the phone as Mrs. Head Strap wants to know what “worked on him” means. Daughter Head Strap explains to her that it means that Abby treated him, before Abby can answer that she’s got The Pretty at home and certainly doesn’t need to be “working on” anyone else … Bitch … Abby is calling Surgery to find out if Head Strap is still in the OR. Mrs. Head Strap thinks they need to be there with him.

Dubenko and Neela are operating on Head Strap. Neela questions about whether they are going to do some maneuver and we hear Moby chime in that “no one calls it that anymore”, because it’s really more of a gesture. Moby is being gowned as Neela starts stuttering because she’s been caught out. Moby bitches about whether he was unclear this morning when he assigned her to do consults. He wants to know if he spoke to fast or did he lapse into Aramaic, as he’s apparently prone to pulling a Jim Cavieziel. As he gloves up, he asks her to explain what she’s doing there instead of taking care of the eight consults currently waiting on her in the ER. Dubenko tells her that she didn’t mention that she was covering the ER. Neela apologizes and says that Head Strap was unstable and she thought … Moby jumps in and admonishes “No, you don’t think … You’re years away from thinking”. He says that when he tells her to do consults, it’s not a suggestion, it’s an order, then asks snidely “Do you understand?” Dubenko tells him to give Neela a break, the patient is crashing and he needed another pair of hands. Moby then Bill and Ted’s him that he missed out on a “most excellent” procedure because he had to clean up Neela’s mess. Dubenko thinks there’s plenty to go around with the not-doing-so-well Head Strap.

Abby hangs up the phone and tells Mrs. and Daughter Head Strap that he’s still in Surgery and tells them that she can bring them up. She walks around the desk towards them and Mrs. Head Strap wants to know if they said how he’s doing. Abby assures her that they’ll give them an update once they get up there. As she heads to the elevators, Abby asks Frank to page her if her pediatrician calls again. Pediatrician? Oh, no, MoJo! Please tell me nothing’s wrong with the Lukaby … I don’t think I can take anymore NICU nail-biting … We hear the buzz of someone being let in the doors as Franks bitches “Do I look like your Girl Friday?” No, you’re much more Purulent Affliction than Personal Assistant, Frank. We see Luka strut into the ER, just missing Abby going to the elevators, and Frank addresses him all mock surprised “Hey! You’re not in jail!” Luka cracks “Not this time, Frank” and smirks at him, heading over to Weaver at the board. She tells him that she just got off the phone with Iman and congratulates him. He quietly and sincerely thanks her for the pep talk. As he takes off his overcoat, Sam walks by and pats him on the back saying “It’s great news, Luka”. For the love of God … just how many times do I have to warn you about the touching of The Pretty, Sam? You had your chance and you dementedly, though thankfully, kicked him to the curb. Luka grins at her as she adds that Morris owes her $50 because he claimed that Luka was going down. Better watch it, Morris. The only place Luka’s “going down” is with me … And you’d better not be with Abby, Luka … Bitch … But Luka reassures me by saying “I’m not going anywhere”. Throwing his coat over his arm, Luka catches sight of something as the camera switches to show Abby in the elevator. She smiles and waves to him as the doors close. He looks disappointed to have missed her. Awww. That’s sweet … Bitch … Busy interrupts his letdown by telling him that she knew he would win and that she had prayed on it. He tells her that it worked and thanks her, grinning. They head down the hall and he asks how her patients are. She says that Harley is thirsty and asks if she can give him some ice chips. Luka thinks that’s a good idea, but Ray, standing looking at the films, chimes in that Harley’s going to need more than ice chips. Luka steps over to Ray and Radiology Woman, and Ray says that he called Harley’s oncologist at Huntington and it’s brain mets from pancreatic cancer. Yikes. That sucks, Harley. Luka asks if Harley’s in treatment, but Ray says that he failed rescue chemotherapy. Radiology Woman thinks that from what the scan shows, Harley belongs in hospice. Ray asks about radiation, but Luka shakes his head as he answers “For metastatic pancreatic cancer? Hospice can probably help him enjoy his remaining time”. Like a beam of sunshine, Radiology Woman interjects “Which is about up”. Sucks for you, Harley. Chuny calls to Luka as he’s telling Ray and Radiology Woman that he’ll talk to Harley’s family. He turns to see a woman standing with Chuny. Woman tells him “I am the family”. Mrs. Harley asks “It spread, hasn’t it?” Luka starts to lead her away saying “Uh, can we go over here”, but Mrs. Harley stops and again asks if it’s spread. Luka levels with her that it has and Ray adds that it’s in his brain. Mrs. Harley takes this in before saying that she thought they had a couple of years, maybe more. She says that they were supposed to go on a bike tour in Provence as Luka looks at her compassionately and says that he’s sorry. She says “Well, I guess this was supposed to happen …”, then tells Luka that she thinks it best if it came from her and that she should be the one to tell Harley. Luka says that he’ll give them some time and when she’s ready, he can come in and answer any questions.

An agitated Weaver is telling a guy who looks like Colonel Sanders that his slit-lamp exam was negative and that there is nothing in his eye. The Colonel bitches that it still hurts. Weaver thinks that might be because he keeps rubbing it. He thinks that she might be missing something and he wants to see an eye specialist. Weaver assures him that he’s fine and it doesn’t warrant an ophthalmology consult. Dawn brings over Maintenance Guy One to see Weaver. She tells Dawn to give the Colonel a gram of Tylenol. The Colonel keeps bitching that he’s got crap in his eye. Oh, Colonel. Did you make the mistake of looking up at the ceiling in this ER?

Maintenance Guy One tells Weaver that they can fix it, but it’s going to take about a week. Weaver wants to know how much it will cost for a rush, but Maintenance Guy One says that it’s not about the money, he’s got to wait for parts. Weaver starts going off that she doesn’t think he understands that if they shut down to trauma, patients get diverted to other ER’s and there will be longer transports as the head into Trauma Green. Weaver hears Morris yell “Shante!” and another voice call out “Did someone say Shante-e?” She excuses herself and heads to Sutures, where we see Morris being working on by his team of makeover specialists. Morris is happily dancing in place, and they’re singing “His name’s Shante … Hoo-ray “ Weaver walks in and asks what the hell he’s doing. A deer-caught-in-the-headlights Morris tells her they’re doing his eyebrows and the camera picks up everything, as Small Guy is brushing powder on Morris’ face and someone else is working on his hair. Weaver tells them “Get out!” … Now your bangs are curled, your lashes twirled, and still the world is cruel … Wipe off that angel face and go back to high school … Morris protests as we see that Hairdresser Guy is a big, kind of slovenly guy … Baby don't sweat it … You're not cut out to hold the job … Better forget it … Who wants their hair done by a slob? … Weaver angrily tells Morris that there’s a rectal prolapse in Curtain Two with his name on it … Hee … Archie the Anal Abscess … As Morris leaves, he turns to Small Guy and tells him to leave a little powder because Morris tends to shine. Weaver yells at him to go as Small Guy blows him a kiss … ‘Cause called the shot … Get off the pot … He’s really gotta fly-y-y … Gotta be goin' to that maltshop … in the sky …

Father Timothy Flotsky, from one of my early morning Comedy Central guilty pleasures, Soap, is standing next to Ankle Girl’s bed and asks if her ankle is going to be okay. Mrs. Flotsky “told you so” ’s. McPlasterofParis says that a month in a cast and she should be fine. Ankle Girl grabs his hand and says that McNovice is very good for a neophyte, as he snatches his hand away and asks the parents if he can speak with them for a second. McDiplomatic is not sure how to say something, so Mrs. Flotsky states rather than asks, “She got naked again”. Ankle Girl calls over “Isn’t he adorable?” Well, he certainly seems to think so, Ankle Girl. … McVanity … Father Flotsky thinks that sometimes the condition makes her act like that and it’s no big deal. McOpposition disagrees and wants to know if they’ve talked to her about birth control. Father Flotsky wants to know why he’d do that, and McCondescending answers “Because you’re her father”. Father Flotsky thinks that school will handle it. McLaborLaw thinks that’s not really their job. Father Flotsky gets a little heated because he doesn’t think birth control is the answer, but Mrs. Flotsky wants him to calm down. McVoiceofReason thinks that she’s a pretty girl who’s smart and open, then starts to say “If she takes her clothes off in front of the wrong guy …” Eyeing him angrily, Father Flotsky asserts that Ankle Girl likes Hillary Duff and McAgreeable is sure she does, because he’s seen some of the porno that ends up on MySpace, but thinks that Ankle Girl doesn’t have the ability to say “no” like other kids. Oh, come on over to my house, Ankle Girl. I’m sure my three year old could teach you how to say that word, seeing as it’s at least his every other utterance.

Neela is washing up as Dubenko comes in, untying his mask. She thanks “Lucien” for letting her scrub in and starts to say that she appreciates … but Dubenko cuts her off. He’s pissed and tells her to listen to him – Moby is her Chief and he “owns” her, then repeats it emphatically in case she didn’t get it the first time. Dubenko gets in her face and tells her that as smart as she thinks she is, Moby is smarter, and orders her to start respecting that … today. Getting more angry, he bitches at her “And if you ever play me like that again … If you ever run to daddy when you don’t like mommy’s rules, you will be done here. Do you hear me?” Taken aback, Neela nods. Dubenko tells her this is her only warning. He then says that Head Strap’s family is waiting and tells her to go. A chastised Neela is not moving fast enough for him, so he’s says more forcefully “Go!” You know, I always thought Dubenko was sort of cute. Especially with all that hair. I mean, weird and creepy, especially after that indecent proposal to Abby in Blame It On the Rain, but cute. But now I’m thinking that Domineering Dubenko is really kind of hot … McBlowDry …

A shamefaced Neela walks out and spots Abby and the Head Straps in the hallway, waiting. Neela takes a deep breath, preparing herself, and her expression tells us that the news she’s about to deliver is probably not good. Abby’s pacing, as the Head Strap women sit, looking scared. Abby turns around and we can see that she’s chewing gum. Nice, Abby. Can’t you hear the Heartsick Horns of Humbled Healers? Now is not the time for a good clean feeling, no matter what … I don’t care how “fabulous” it is … Abby makes the introductions and Mrs. Head Strap asks how her husband is. Not very empathetically, Neela tells her that when they opened the abdomen they found it full of blood and that the accident tore the vena cava and that they tried to repair it, but he was bleeding too fast. Abby looks down, saddened for the Head Straps because she understands what’s occurred, then crosses her arms and looks away. Daughter Head Strap asks Neela what happened to her father. Now finally looking more sympathetic, Neela explains that he died. Mrs. Head Strap just stares at her, then whispers “Oh God”. Neela tells them that they made every effort as Mrs. Head Strap’s eyes roll back in her head and she collapses. Abby catches her before her head hits the floor, and tells Daughter Head Strap that she’s got her and asks her to back up as Neela comforts her. Abby calls Mrs. Head Strap’s name and tries to assess if she’s breathing.

After commercial, Mrs. Head Strap is on the table in Trauma Yellow and Pratt is calling her name. Neela thinks that she should be waking up by now. Haleh says that the pulse ox is only 91 and Pratt says he’ll bag her through this. Daughter Head Strap asks if she’s okay and Pratt says that she just needs time to come around. Neela asks Daughter Head Strap if her mother suffers from a heart condition or high cholesterol. Pratt doesn’t get what Neela is talking about and Abby tells her that she’s vasovagel, which means that the heart puts out less blood, the blood pressure drops, and what blood is circulating tends to go into the legs rather than to the head, causing the person to faint. Thanks, Neela tells them to look at the monitor, ST elevation and t-wave inversion. Pratt thinks there’s no way and the leads must be reversed. Neela quite bitchily tells him that there is nothing wrong with the leads and it looks like a massive MI. Daughter Head Strap says that her mother can’t be having a heart attack, as Mrs. Head Strap goes into v-tach and Neela starts compressions. Pratt protests that she’s 45 with no risk factors. Abby charges the defibrillator to 360, then shocks Mrs. Head Strap. There’s no change. Abby calls for an amp of epi as Pratt tells Neela to pick up the pace with the CPR, a hundred per minute. Neela ask Daughter Head Strap if her mom is on any medications, but she says no and asks what’s happening. Neela tells her that her mother’s heart is in a dangerous rhythm as Pratt tells Abby to shock again after five cycles. Neela calls to have a lido ready, as Pratt looks at her. Neela says it’s an acute LV dysfunction after a sudden tragic event. Abby gives her a WTF look, then glances over at Pratt. Neela tells them that this is “Broken Heart Syndrome”. Oh, Mrs. Head Strap … Guess yours is not the first heart broken … Your eyes are not the first to cry … Your head may be saying “Fool forget him” … But your heart is saying “Don’t let go-o-o-o” … Pratt says he’s read about it but has never seen a real case. Neela thinks it all fits. Haleh asks if they want the lidocaine and Pratt says “yeah” and wants someone to call Cardiology.

McBedsideManner is explaining to Ankle Girl that they’re going to give her a shot. Ankle Girl complains that she doesn’t like shots, but Mrs. Flotsky tells her it’s going to be fine. McCompassionate tells her it will pinch a little bit, but it’s going to protect her. She starts going off again about the El schedule. Father Flotsky tells her that she needs to pay attention as McReassuring tells her that she’ll have to come back for a shot every three months and he’s already spoken to Father Flotsky about it. McPervert is going to give her some education on condom use, and she’s all excited “For when we have sex?” McLetHerDownGently corrects that it’s not for when they have sex, because he’s not into love in a glove. McSexEducation tells her that this doesn’t mean that she’s old enough, or that she’s ready, but he just wants to make sure she’s prepared for when the time comes. Ankle Girl wants to know if she can get a pen and paper and take notes. McVisualAid just doesn’t want props or diagrams.

Dawn and Weaver are heading out to meet an ambulance and Dawn asks “What the hell is Morris doing?” Hee. Dawn catches on pretty quickly. Weaver says loudly and disgustedly “Not his job, that’s for sure” as they pass Morris, who is beside a young kid in a wheelchair and is telling the camera that here they see an example of over-exuberant Halloween candy consumption. For a second I’m about to go bitchcakes on Morris because I think he’s pointing out “little Luka” here, and nobody gets to see “little Luka” except me … and probably Abby … Bitch … but I calm down when I realize he said “little Luke”, who has a bowel obstruction from too much taffy.

Generic Paramedic tells Weaver that the patient on the gurney isn’t moving air. Weaver spouts off orders and tells Dawn to call RT as A Tina Turner-haired TV Reporter Lady in Tina Turner-esque high heels looks away from Morris schpiel about the tube they’re going to put down little Luke’s throat to watch what Weaver is doing. Weaver yells at the camera crew that they are in the way. Morris protests that he’s just warning parents so that people don’t abuse the ER system. Weaver gripes that overeating Halloween candy is not draining the system, and indicating Non Air Mover, says “This is”. Tina asks if she can explain the patient’s condition. Weaver says that it doesn’t matter. The guy got laid off and has no job and no health insurance as Morris is all “Hey!” because the TV crew abandoned him to follow the Weaver. Weaver’s on a roll and grumbles that now instead of costing the insurance company $10 a month, taxpayers will now spend tens of thousands of dollars taking care of him in the ER and the ICU, as Morris is bouncing up and down complaining that it’s his show and trying to get someone to notice him. Tina asks Weaver if she’s a proponent of a national health plan. Weaver thinks if we had one this guy would be home playing with his kids instead of fighting for his life, as they push the gurney into the ER. Tina looks after her with an expression of astonished admiration that’s not far from the one I sport while looking at Luka, and says “That was gold”. Tina asks a disbelieving Morris what Weaver’s name is and he spits out “Dr. Judas”. Oh, lend us a fiver, Judy? Tina’s still distracted, watching after Weaver, so Morris seizes the opportunity to check out her ass.

Abby’s again charged the defibrillator to 360 and shocks Mrs. Head Strap, then says “Asystole”. Neela calls for another 50 of lidocaine and says to try amiodarone. Abby looks at her doubtfully and pointedly says “Neela, she’s in asystole”. Pratt says they’ll try one more round of epi. Daughter Head Strap begs them to not stop. Neela insists that this is temporary, reversible and she’ll get better. Pratt checks his watch and tells her she’s been “floggin’ her for 20 minutes”. Haleh says the epi’s in and Neela looks up at Pratt and whispers “Her husband just died”, as Daughter Head Strap pleads with them not to give up. Abby tells Pratt that she’s had five rounds of meds and she’s not responding. Pratt tells Neela to hold compressions, but she keeps going. Pratt orders her “Neela, stop!”, but she still doesn’t listen. Pratt reaches over and gently holds her wrist, finally making her stop. Then the monitor starts beeping and they all look over at it, surprised. Haleh says “back in sinus”. Pratt puts his stethoscope on to listen to the heart, as Abby gives Neela an admiring look, and grins at her.

Harley is being pushed in a wheelchair towards the doors, with Mrs. Harley walking beside him. From Admit, Ray spots them and asks Luka if he signed them out, but Luka didn’t. They head towards the Harleys and Luka calls after them. Harley tells him that he’s got a great team here. Looking at Mrs. Harley, Luka asks if they have any questions that they want him to answer. Harley says no, but he’s just praying his bike still runs. Mrs. Harley shares a look with Luka and tells him she’d like to sign those papers he was talking about. He leads her off to the side behind triage and asks “You didn’t tell your husband about the brain mets?” Mrs. Harley says that her husband thinks the chemo works. Over Luka’s shoulder, we see Bird entering the waiting area. Mrs. Harley wants to just leave it at that. Luka tells her that he doesn’t lie to patients as Bird spots Luka and starts walking towards him. Mrs. Harley tells Luka that when her husband was first diagnosed, he shut down, but for the past six months has been living it up. He’s been taking tango lessons and scuba lessons and she states “We are going to France in December”. We see Bird through the window directly behind Luka, staring at him. With his hands on his hips, Luka insists that Harley has the right to know the truth, as Bird knocks on the window. Luka turns around and Bird says “Dr. Kovac?”, moving his good hand in supplication. Disconcerted, Luka’s torn as he looks back and forth between Mrs. Harley and Bird. He moves his left hand a little in a slight “wait a second” gesture to Bird, as Mrs. Harley goes on about giving Harley a little hope and there’s still a chance for a miracle. Luka doesn’t really seem to be listening anymore. He calls over to Ray to put them back in their room as he starts to guide a still pleading Mrs. Harley over to her husband and Ray. As Luka moves, Bird bangs harder on the glass and Luka raises his hand again for him to wait and Bird follows them. They stop and Mrs. Harley tells Luka that they wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for that stupid car accident as we see Bird through the glass doors, between them. With authority, Luka tells her that he is giving her a second chance. Either she tells her husband now, or Luka will tell him “when I get back”. Mrs. Harley looks at Luka anxiously, then moves away as the doors buzz and open, and Luka goes to meet Bird.

Not knowing why he’s there, Luka asks “Mr. Ames?” A visibly upset Bird says “You were celebrating”. Luka looks at him, puzzled. Getting a little emotional, Bird says “In court today … You were celebrating”. Huh? Like last week, Bird’s eye view is really skewed, because he’s totally exaggerating the reaction at the Defense Table. I thought they were actually very subdued in their response and were nowhere near “celebrating”, just relieved. Luka explains that they were just happy the case was over. A bitching Bird corrects him “You were happy that you ‘got over’. Isn’t that what you really mean?” Luka obviously doesn’t want to have this discussion, so he tells Bird that he has patients and starts to walk away. Bird follows him to Admit, angrily barking out that he was a patient, and asks “Don’t you remember?” Luka holds up his hands placatingly and quietly tells Bird that he shouldn’t be back there. Bird asks “Isn’t this where the sick come to get healthy? ‘Cause, I want to get healthy.” Everyone at Admit is Bird watching, and Pratt asks Luka if he needs some help, but Luka waves him off with an “It’s alright, I’ve got it” motion. Bird wants to know if “these people” know what Luka did. Luka says to Pratt that it’s under control, and it’s okay. A bitter Bird tells Pratt that he came in there with a cough, and pointing to his useless arm says “… And I went out like this”. Holding his hand to his chest in gesture of certainty, Luka asserts that he gave Bird the best treatment possible. A resentful Bird spits out that when he was having a stroke, Luka ignored him. Smiling slightly and shaking his head Luka starts to negate this saying mildly, “Mr. Ames that’s …”, but Bird gets in his face “You ignored me!” Staying calm and trying to diffuse the situation Luka gently tells him that he should go and starts to put his hand on Bird’s shoulder to guide him. Bird furiously hits Luka’s hand off and cries “Go where?!? Where am I gonna go?” Behind Luka, Weaver, who has witnessed this whole scene, calls for Security. Security comes over to grab Bird, who is raging that if Luka had just let him go home in the first place, then none of this would have happened. Security manhandles Bird, pulling him backwards. Bird swings out his good arm, knocking the chart rack to the ground. Frustrated, Luka does the hand jive and throws both arms forward in a forceful giving-type gesture and shouts “What do you want me to do?!?” … Born to hand-jive, baby … How low can you go, Luka? … Emotionally spent, Bird collapses in the guards arms pleading “I want you to give me my life back!” A distressed but trying not to show it Luka, seemingly tapping his fingers against his thighs so it appears that he’s slightly moving, restless, with his with mouth tautly set and swallowing diffidently, watches them drag Bird towards the doors. A despondent Bird hysterically begs “Give me my life back! Give it back!!!” as they continue to haul him away, almost completely supporting him now. He sobs “Give it back to me!” Damn, Forest Whitaker is good. This is heartwrenching. Bird starts to struggle against the guards, yelling at them to stop, as the camera pans to The Pretty, biting his lips and looking … well … pretty.

It’s nighttime and Bird is walking by the river outside the hospital. Luka calls after him and hurries to catch up. Luka tells him that he just wanted to make sure he was okay. A mocking Bird scoffs “You want to make sure I’m okay? No, I’m not okay. I’m not okay at all”, as the wind is blowing hard and whipping their coattails around. Bird explains that when Luka came into court this morning, he was telling his kids about Justice, and they were looking at that lady with the scales. Bird assured his children that justice was going to be done today, but he doesn’t think it was. Luka says “Well, you don’t feel that way but …” Bird tells him sincerely, “Look, I just want to hear it from you. Without the filters of lawyers and judges … anybody”. Bird earnestly asks “Did you … give me … the best possible care”. Putting his hands in his pocket kind of like he’s steeling himself , Luka evades the question by guardedly answering “At any given moment, I’m responsible for forty acute patients”. Sounding defensive, Luka justifies “We try our best to watch everyone. It’s hard. We’re not gods”. Really? I think someone needs to tell McNarcissist that. Though, you are selling yourself short, Luka, as you are quite the Adonis, and I certainly worship you … A cagey Bird asks “So you think you paid attention to me?” Luka defends himself saying a little sharply that he followed Bird’s progress, examined him once a shift, and he and Mrs. Bird were in constant contact. Bird laughs bitterly that Luka talked to his wife, his tone implying he’d have rather Luka had talked to him since he was the patient. Luka gets all doctor-y and tells Bird that the stress of something like this can cause … but Bird interrupts that Luka doesn’t understand. Realizing that Bird doesn’t really want to listen to any advice from him, Luka stops. An on-the-verge-of-tears Bird goes on that after the stroke he came home one day and all of Mrs. Bird’s stuff was gone, and so were the kids. He called her sister, he checked the machine, and finally, he gets an email telling him that this was too much. He gestures between himself and Luka and repeats “This … me … pursuing you … pursuing this … it was too much”. Luka looks at him sympathetically as he continues that Mrs. Bird thought that nothing was ever going to come of this and if he couldn’t move on, then she was going to have to move on without him. Trying not to cry, Bird tells Luka that they were together for 18 years, and she leaves him in an email. Luka doesn’t know what to say to this, and looks down. Bird figured that he’d win this case, and he’d send an email back, and smiling ruefully adds “… And then she’d come back home”. Looking down again before speaking, Luka delicately tells him that there are people who can help him, groups. Looking at Luka like he just doesn’t get it, Bird asserts vehemently that he doesn’t want any help. Luka watches him, ill at ease. Teary-eyed, Bird declares definitively that he wants things back the way they were. He wants to work, he doesn’t want some government check. He tells Luka that he builds things, and Luka nods understandingly and quietly tells him, “I know”. Heartfelt, Bird says that he just doesn’t know how to fix this, and looking at Luka for answer asks “How do I fix this?” Luka’s saved by the beep, as his pager goes off. He looks at it, then apologetically tells Bird that he has to get back. Bird waves it off that he understands. Luka starts to tell him “Look if you need anything …” but doesn’t finish. As if trying to humanize himself as more than “the patient’ or “the plaintiff”, and break down Luka’s wall of formality, Bird points to himself and says “Curtis … my name is Curtis”. Not meeting his eye, Luka says in a low voice, “Of course … Curtis”. Then a little more distantly, Luka looks at Bird and says that if he needs anything to give him a call, before turning to go back to the hospital. Bird watches him leave as the tears that had been threatening to come finally escape. Very affecting scene.

Neela and McLaidBack are in the lounge, going over notes for the M&M. Neela is explaining something, but McImbecile says “Huh? You lost me”. Oh, would that someone could, McUnfortunatelyHasAContract. Neela says that the ER keeps accusing them of performing unnecessary surgery but they really believed the guy had a Triple A and if they had waited, he’d have died. McObvious comes back at her that the guy didn’t have a Triple A. Neela argues that given his symptoms, they’d have been right 90% of the time and then surgery would have saved his life. McEncouraging thinks that answer is good and she should do it like that. She tells him that it’s his turn and McEvasive says that he’s fine and that he knows how to do this, and that he’ll just pull some articles and he’ll be fine. Neela tells him that if he’s not prepared, the surgical Attendings are going to have him on a spit. Well, that’s where pigs belong, Neela … McPork …the other white meat … She tries to grab his notes, and he tries to keep them from her. She grabs them out of his hands and turns away to read them and McAin’tTooThrilled jumps up to try to grab them back, saying that she’s going to see his secret winning strategy. Neela Botox-scowls at what she’s reading, and starts to question him until McDyslexic fesses up, and tells her that he’s learned to work around at as the lounge door opens and Phoebe and Sam come in, all smiles. Sam tells Neela that they are having Girls Night Out tonight. You actually got someone to tree-sit for Splinter, Sam? Phoebe asks Neela if she’s in, but she says she’s busy. McGenderBender says that he’s free. Neela says that they’re preparing for the M&M, but McMagnanimous tells her to go ahead and go and they can talk about this stuff later as he heads out.

Luka and Abby are sitting on the bench by the stairs in the hallway, knee to knee. He’s resting his cheek is his right hand and looking aggrieved. She’s sitting with her legs crossed, holding his left hand, the fingers of her right hand interwoven with his and their clasped hands lying on his knee … Bitch … She brings her left hand up so she holding his hand with both of hers, his resting in her left palm. She strokes the back of his hand soothingly and tells him that maybe it’s a good thing he went to talk to Bird. Still disturbed by the encounter by the river, Luka agrees and says that Bird just feels alone, as they entwine their fingers again. Awww … They’re so sweet … and so natural together … and so married couple-y … Bitch … Ray comes up and says that it looks like they still need to break the news to Harley, as Luka and Abby, still holding hands, look over at him. Luka can’t believe Mrs. Harley hasn’t told him, but Ray says that she’s sticking to her guns. Luka tells Ray to go ahead and sign out. As Ray moves off, Luka pats Abby’s hand that’s holding his and says that he has to do this. He stands up and she starts to protest “Wait a minute, though”, as he starts walking, their hands still clasped so he’s kind of dragging her along. She says “… We have tickets to …” and smiling because she knows she’ll never pronounce it correctly she starts, “E … E …”. Chuckling, he finishes with the Croatian name and he stops, turning, as she’s still walking and because their hands are gripped, she sort of does a little semi-circle as she turns to face him. She reminds him that the movie starts in an hour and looks at him questioningly. Still smiling, he looks down, gently telling her that they can just do it some other night. Incredulous, because she just can’t believe he’d miss a night out and break a date with her to work, especially when they obviously have a MoJo-sitter, she asks him “You’re canceling?” Standing with his hands behind his back, he lifts up his shoulders, playfully teasing her in mock shock, “Oh, my God, you’re disappointed”. Hee. He’s so cute when he’s jesting. Laughing, and acting like if she can’t go to the Slavic Cinema, she’s got to accept this as a consolation prize, she says, “No, I guess I just have to go to Ike Ryan’s with everybody”. Smiling at her, he says that he’ll come pick her up … Bitch … Luka watches her walk away before going into the Exam Room. Cute scene.

Luka enters to find Mr. and Mrs. Harley holding and talking about a possible trip to Rome and asks them how it’s going. Harley says he’s ready to get out of there and asks how his CT looks. With his hands on his hips and glancing at Mrs. Harley, Luka starts “Well, uh, the good news is there is no scull fracture, no hemorrhage, and Harley thanks God. And since we’ve already discussed your diety status, Luka, I suppose he’s thanking you. Harley says that he doesn’t know if Mrs. Harley told Luka, but three years ago he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, as Luka isn’t sure how to react and glances over at Mrs. Harley. Harley continues that he doesn’t have time for some brain injury, too. Well, who does, Harley? Not exactly high on my To Do List either. Luka chews on his lips as Harley goes on that he’s got trips to take and friends to see. Luka thinks it sounds like fun. Mrs. Harley and Luka hold a look as Harley tells him that they’re going to Provence for the holidays and they might even go to Paris, and eat some Grand Marnier crepes, and some of the best Bordeaux they can find. Harley never lets go of Mrs. Harley’s hands the entire time he’s talking, and he’s gazing at her lovingly. Mrs. Harley is looking at Luka, silently pleading “please don’t take this away from us”. Luka shoots a look over at Mrs. Harley, hesitates a second, before telling them as he tugs on his ear uncomfortably that he doesn’t want to stand in the way of their plans. He says that all Harley has to do is sign these papers and he’ll start him on some new medications, as a relieved and grateful Mrs. Harley smiles at him. Harley tells him to explain it to his wife since she handles all the medicines. Grinning slightly, Luka says “No problem” then asks Mrs. Harley if they can talk and she nods. He holds the door for her as they exit into the hall. Mrs. Harley can hardly believe it as she turns to him happily saying “Oh my God … thank you”. Sorry to correct you, Mrs. Harley, but Luka is my God, so back off, bitch. Luka warns her that Harley can’t ride a Harley and Mrs. Harley asks anxiously “but what about the trip?” Luka tells her that she’d better rent a car and do the driving, as she smiles and nods, her excitement growing. Luka levels with her that Harley could have seizures or a stroke and by letting them walk out of here, he wants to make sure he’s not setting someone up to get hurt. She can barely contain herself as she quickly promises and Luka tells her “Okay … good luck”, then adds smiling “Provence is beautiful”. An enthusiastic Mrs. Harley can’t hold back anymore and happily cries “thank you” and throws her arms around his neck, hugging him. Oh, you are so lucky that I’m so understanding and realize that you were just overcome by the moment, Mrs. Harley. I’ll let you slide with a warning this time about petting The Pretty. Luka smiles as he fondly one-armed hugs her back, before she hurries back into the Exam Room.

Smooth jazz is playing in the background as Pratt’s getting all Smooth Operator-y in his dimly-lit Den of Desire, sipping white wine and relaxing on the sofa with his lady friend. Is that Radiology Woman? If so, nice fake-out earlier pretending not to be all partial to the Pratt pizzazz. She asks him how his promotion is going and he says that he’s hanging in there, though he’s still got a few knuckleheads he’s got to beat into shape. She wants to know if they are showing him respect, he tells her that she knows how it is, they do what they do and they keep pushing through it, as they toast to it. As they’re about to get down to business, there’s a knock at the door. He protests that it’s probably a Jehovah’s Witness and ignores it, and the knocking gets louder. Understanding that he’s not going to get a little somethin’-somethin’ until he disposes of whoever is rudely interrupting his best moves, Pratt goes to answer the door. He looks through the peephole and give and annoyed sign, then opens it to find his half-brother Chaz, carrying a bunch of stuff. Pratt whispers that now’s not a good time, and Chaz said Pratt told him he could move in on Thursday and today’s Thursday. Pratt’s sure he said Friday, but Chaz disagrees. Chaz realizes that it’s his bad when the object of Pratt’s affections comes to the door to see what’s going on. Pratt introduces Chaz, and they shake hands. She asks if he’s moving in and Pratt bitches that he’s supposed to move in on Friday. Chaz mouths “Thursday” behind Pratt’s back. She doesn’t think Pratt can let Chaz sit out there in the hallway and tells him to come in and asks if he’s hungry. Pratt grumbles “Tina … come on” as she asks Chaz what she can get him as we cut to:

Ike Ryan’s. Overhead camera pans to show a round table with the ladies of the ER all sitting around it laughing and bonding, because they go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong. It seems they’re playing one of those truth games as Sam, with her hair actually looking good for change, is saying “Okay, okay, okay … I would … shag …”, then she shrugs her shoulders like she has no idea who to answer. Are you freakin’ kidding me, Sam? You are in that ER every day … How can you possibly not know who you’d shag? Though I guess you proved that you must be an atheist by senselessly shedding the Sex God. And with Abby sitting on the other side of Chuny, easily within striking distance, it’s probably very smart not to confess to harboring a hankering for the honey. Sam gets an idea and admits that she would shag … Pratt. Hmmm … Wonder what their shipper name would be … Sat? … Pram? … Throw Splinter into the equation, and it would be Splat … Everyone nods appreciating Sam’s choice and Haleh pipes up “I knew you had ‘the fever’ “. Hee. They all laugh and Weaver chimes in for Sam to do them all a favor and shoot Morris. Busy thinks everyone’s a little too hard on Morris, as they all stare at her, smirking. Busy thinks he has potential, as Weaver chokes on her drink, and everyone chuckles. Sam explains mockingly that apparently Morris is in the process of bringing God into his life. Oh, Morris. Not only are you dense, dull and downright disgusting, add delusional, because Luka definitely doesn’t do Dutch Door … Though I’m pretty sure The Church of McEgo is always looking for more worshippers … As everyone is laughing and trying not to spit out their drinks, Chuny notices the TV report and asks Weaver if that’s her on the screen. They see that it is as they all jump up excitedly from their seats to get a closer look, yelling for the volume to be turned up. A dismayed Weaver groans “O—o—oh, the camera really does show everything”. Hee. You should see it in high-def, Weaver. Close-up’s are often not kind to most of you … Except Luka, of course … Just saying … Abby, who had been sitting next Weaver, hangs back when she realizes that a bummed out Neela is not joining in the excitement. Abby sits down next to her and asks if she’s okay. Neela says she had a bad day, but Abby doesn’t look like she’s really buying it. Neela confides that she’s been having these dreams. Putting her right elbow on the table and her fist against her head, Abby sympathetically asks if they’re about timberlands … I mean, her husband … but Neela discloses that they’re about McHeadTrip. Surprised, Abby says “Oh”, grins, nodding appraisingly and playing absently with her drink. Neela rolls her eyes at herself and admits that it’s stupid and it’s her “friggin’ hormones”. I guess since Luka is spoken for … Bitch … your fantasy fuck friend pickin’s are rather slim, Neela, but since McConceit’s perfect partner is himself with breasts, I’m pretty certain you can do better. Abby assures her that it’s not stupid … it’s human. I’d agree with you, Abby, if we weren’t talking about McManimal. Because she must have forgotten to take her antipsychotics this morning, Abby insists that McGrubby is “cute … and nice”. Oh, Abby. You’ve been showing much potential lately and I was thinking that motherhood agrees with you, and though I do realize that being with The Pretty most likely warps your perception of attractiveness in lower life-forms, you’ve really just proven you’ve inherited the crazy with that statement. Abby tells her there are worse things she could do, then go with a boy … or two … Even though the neighborhood, and the audience after the McWetDream, thinks she’s trashy, and no good … Suppose that could be true … but there are worse things she could do … Actually, Abby tells her pretty much the same thing, saying that she can’t just sit and mourn forever. No, that’s true, Abby, but considering season have barely changed on Deadwood, Neela might at least want to wait until the leaves sprout again. Neela guiltily says that it’s only been six months. That’s right, Neela … Because Plank’s supposed to be remembered forever, as shoo-bop sha whada whadda yippidy boom da boom … Abby considers this, then shrugs and mildly points out that it was longer than she was married. Neela concedes that Abby always thought she’d rushed into it. Yeah, she so did, Neela. Playing with her glass again, Abby stammers a little bit before saying that Plank was a great pine … I mean, a great guy … but Abby believes that they were young. Really? They both went through med school and were in Residencies, so I don’t think they were that young, Abby. Though considering you’re standing on the precipice of the hill, I guess everyone in the ER, except Weaver, seems young to you. Abby also thinks they were impetuous. Then she kindly affirms that she doesn’t think Plank would want Neela to go to mold … er, put her life on hold … Neela nods and agrees that she’s right … Now that that is settled, Abby nods back at her and, curiosity getting the better of her, smiles slyly and asks Neela “What exactly are these dreams you’re having?” Neela innocently replies “Oh, you’re average intubation … extubation …re-intubation”, as with a combination “I get it” and “that’s way too much information” gesture, Abby waves her off and says “Okay”, and they both laugh. Abby asks “Why don’t you call him?” Please, Abby, do not encourage the McFatuation. Ugh … Neela protests, because she thinks she should stay home every night … Wait around for Mr. Right, not McWrong … After that bathroom scene earlier, she should learn to take cold showers everyday … And throw her life away, on a McDream that won’t come true … Abby tells her “No, come one. You’d better do it quick because one of these girls is going to …”, and like she’s never heard the concept before even though she’s certainly done the first one before and has turned down Luka’s crappy proposal to do the last one again … Bitch … and seeing as she went out with Carter for a year, I’m sure had thought about doing the middle on more than one occasion, Abby frowns and says “…‘Shag, Shoot or Marry’ him”. They chuckle and Neela adds hopefully that she and McBookworm are studying for the M&M together. That does it for Abby, and she calls over to the bartender, “Excuse me, could you set my friend up with some Tequila?” You know, considering you’re an alcoholic, Abby, I’m really not seeing that you should be encouraging massive alcohol consumption by your friends. Unless of course it’s been lonely at the AA meetings and you’re trying to sure up some company. The ER girls start hootin’ and hollerin’.

Meg, McGrody’s live-in, played by Paula Malcolmson, aka Trixie the Whore from Deadwood, comes upstairs to his room and asks what he’s up to. McInternet says that he’s answering email. She tells him her daughter, Sarah, who I call Deej because I think she looks like one of the Tanner kids from Full House, got an “A” on her essay and that the topic was “Who I’d Most Like to Have Dinner With” and asks if he can guess who she wrote about. McSmartAss can’t imagine any other answer and says “Me, of course”. For the love of God, did The Ego really have to land??? He then quips “Gandhi?” then “Madame Curie?” when Trixie just looks at him. Trixie says sadly “Keith”. Keith Partridge??? Careful, don’t be a nervous mother driving, Trixie. C’mon … get happy … Spread a little love and then keep movin’ on …I’m so with you on that choice, Deej, because I woke up in love this morning … Twenty-four hours a day, I think I love him, too. Except, I’m talking about the long-haired, bell-bottomed, pooka-shell wearing him from a gazillion years ago, and not the sleazy-looking lounge singer he is today. McUnderstanding nods and closes his laptop as Trixie says that Deej wants to ask Keith why he died. Keith Partridge is dead??? Oh, Keith … When you gave your love to me … and I remember perfectly … High, above all time and space … And I remember summer days … I’m about to put on my velvet pantsuit, gather up my Bonnie Bell Lipsmackers and turn on my lava lamp in mourning as Trixie says that she thought Deej had gotten over losing her father. Keith Partridge is Deej’s father??? Does this mean the next generation is going to be getting on the multi-colored bus and go on tour? Because that seems to be working out soooo well for the Osmond 2ndG … McPositive reads the essay and thinks that the questions Deej asked of “Keith” are good, because she wants to know why he fought in the war and why he left before she got to know him. Keith Partridge fought in a war???

Neela pounds the liquid courage as Abby laughs and the ER Girls cheer. Abby tells her to call him. A nervous Neela just looks at her cell phone as an exasperated Sam is dying to know “Who is it???” Phoebe asks her if it’s Ray, and Neela scoffs and laughs “Are you mad???” Neela lies that it’s somebody she met at a conference and Dawn tells her “then hit those digits, sister”. Abby raises her eyebrows at Neela encouragingly.

Trixie tells McSympathy, “I miss him, T” and he says that he does too and sits next to her. Deej yells up that her computer crashed again as McWayOvergrownBeard tells Trixie that yesterday he went by their old school and thought about all the touch football they used to play. McTeenIdol went to school with Keith Partridge??? Trixie teases “You mean how he used to burn you all the time?” McAthleticSupporter thinks “Yeah, in his dreams”. Well, of course, Keith, because everyone simply has to be dreaming about McSwelledHead, don’t they? Trixie says “well, he did get the girl, huh?” and McTechSupport admits “Yeah, he sure did” as he heads downstairs to fix Deej’s computer.

Trixie looks over at a picture of McCamofluage with his arm around some other guy, who is so not Keith Partridge, in Army desert fatigues. She puts her drink down next to it, and picks up the frame, smiling at it. A cell phone rings and Trixie thinks about it before picking up and answering. Hearing a woman answer, a disconcerted Neela asks if McTwoTimer is there. Looking around shiftily, Trixie apologizes and says that he’s a little busy right now and asks if she can take a message. A confused and disappointed Neela says “Never mind” and hangs up. Abby raises her eyebrows questioningly at her and Neela says it’s the wrong number. Abby asks her if she wants to try it again, but Neela dismisses that she’s good. Like she’s figured it out, a smiling Sam pokes Neela and asks “Is it Gates?”, as everyone starts whooping. Abby, who’s been watching Neela and seems to realize what happened, acts like a real friend and diverts the attention away by clapping her hands real fast and saying “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait …” and suggesting they get back to the game. Phoebe says “Okay, Abby … ‘Shag, Shoot, or …’ “, and Abby quickly cuts her off with “Not me, though”, but they’re all having none of it. The camera stays on Neela, who looks like she wants to forget the phone call and try to enjoy herself, but can’t. We hear everyone egging on Abby and Dawn says “You just don’t want to tell us”. Abby, proving that she may just be prone to temporary psychosis, says, “I’d shag … Luka” … Bitch … Well, duh, Abby … I’d have to call for the straight jacket if you answered any other way … Bitch … We hear who I think is Phoebe admitting like she’s slapping herself on the forehead “I totally forgot about him”, as another voice chimes in “Me, too”, and a third “Me three” … Hee … Crazy amnesiac bitches …


At 7:38 PM, November 16, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was Mc Hilarious!

At 8:25 PM, November 16, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Cranky, you've done it again! I just had the best hour reading your recap.

"snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled bear trap!"
I love me some NewsRadio too!

Guess what? My cc says that it was SAM at the end that said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about him" !!! Yeah right Sam!

At 5:32 AM, November 17, 2006, Anonymous josie said...

Yet again, well done on a very funny recap.

Glad to see you are keeping up with the NewsRadio challenge. You really are the cutest recapper.

At 1:35 PM, November 17, 2006, Anonymous cranky/ER fan said...

That was amazing!

I really loved all the Grease stuff!

your really rock!

At 4:17 PM, November 17, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ever thought of selling your recaps as a therapy for the depressed ???
you'll be a zillionaire even before starting!!
just brilliant and what I needed after a too long week!


At 1:05 AM, November 18, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said... McUsual!


At 12:02 AM, November 19, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can someone explain to me why Abby and Luka couldn't go see their Croatian movie? It only took him about 5 minutes to deal with the Cancer-denial guy, and it seemed like they were both still on shift anyways? It just seemed really weird that they suddenly couldn't go. What was with that?

At 4:07 PM, November 22, 2006, Anonymous jojo said...

Cranky you're hilarious as usual, IMO this is your best yet!

Egola- LMFAO

'Uncle Ego is so not Dreamy, or the least bit Steamy … Just McSleazy … or McMildew … '- Hee!

At 11:39 AM, November 25, 2006, Anonymous MEG said...

Way to work in the Partridge Family love!

Did you happen to catch Maura Tierney on The View this week?


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