Friday, November 03, 2006

ER 13.4 Parenthood

Previously on ER: Morris and Neela are sitting on a park bench with Abby and her baby, Mongo Joe Kovac, or MoJo, and Morris asks Abby “So, are you loving motherhood?” and she happily answers, like she’s amazed by it herself, “Yeah”; Pratt tells Weaver that he hopes “this isn’t awkward” and she replies “What? That you and I are equals now”; Dubenko introduces Neela to the latest asshole Chief Schlemiel Resident … I mean “Surgical” Resident, Dr. Crenshaw, who reminds me of Moby; Dubenko tells Moby that Neela spent two years in the ER before she defected and Moby dick’s “It took you that long to realize you’re wasting your time?”; Morris is sitting with a little African-American kid who I think is weirdly a strange shade of orange until Morris explains “I’m your Daddy!”, sounding as surprised as I am that not only was he a sperm donor, but that someone actually used it … Ewww … Tangerine Boy smiles and says “What’s up?”; Ray asks Weaver how the new Intern is doing and Weaver says that she’s very “devoted” as camera cuts to Intern Hope, played by Linda Cardellini’s former nemesis on Freaks and Geeks, Busy Phillips, as she prays over a patient in Trauma Green “Thank you, Jesus”; Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, walks into his shared apartment with Paula Malcolmson, aka Trixie the Whore from Deadwood and some young blonde girl who looks like she could have been one of Uncle Jesse’s nieces, so I’ve dubbed her DJ Tanner, or Deej; Deej asks Uncle Jesse if he was the “best one there” – oh yeah, In your dreams, Stubble Boy . She asks “how many people did you save?” Well, Deej, according to his comments in the media, apparently he’s saved an entire TV network worth of people, not to mention this show. Um, yeah … okay, Uncle Ego. Deej then wants to know if he “rocked”, which is soooo not an invitation for Uncle Jesse’s band Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets to appear, Uncle Jesse; Pratt lays the law down with Uncle Screw-up that the next time he doesn’t do what Pratt or any other Attending tells him to do, he’s going to find himself bum-rushed out of the resident program as Uncle Defiant just gives him a “yeah, right” look because Pratt apparently didn’t get the memo that Uncle Jump Ahead of People in The Credits is the New Carter, and therefore can’t be bounced since the resident program needs its resident asshole.

Uncle Just Woke Up stumbles into the kitchen where Trixie and Deej are bitching at each other because Deej won’t wear the clothes Trixie bought for her. Trixie thinks Deej wants to go to school looking like a bag lady and Deej asks if she’d rather she went to school looking like a slut. Hmmm … tough choice. If they’re Kate Spade bags, then I’m all for the bag lady look, Deej. Of course, dressing like a ‘ho can have its advantages, too. I mean, it got Sam her pretty sweet setup with her low-talking Sugar Daddy, the Mambo Mumbler, who not only has a movie theater in his house, but is useful for getting you out of those pesky murder raps. I’m sure help with the law could come in handy for you at some point, too, Deej. Deej thinks most of the other girls dress in the whore-in-training mode. Considering Trixie’s your mom, Deej, I’m thinking that’s what she wants, for you to follow in the family business. Trixie tells her that she’d rather she dressed like she had a mother who cares enough to dress her daughter like a hooker, because nothing says “I am loved” quite like street-walking overly made-up pre-teens with feather boas, face glitter, stilettos and leather mini-skirts. Deej just rolls her eyes as Uncle Inconspicuous, who until now had been trying to avoid getting involved, walks past them carrying a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, which Trixie obviously bought because they are high in fiber and vitamins, to make sure Deej keeps truly trashy tart thin for fitting the flagrantly finest floozy frippery. Trixie appeals to Uncle Silent to say something, but he keeps pretending to read the back of the cereal box and just says “Morning”, which makes Trixie’s demeanor all “gee, thanks for the help, Uncle Asshole”. Deej wants to know what’s wrong with the way she dresses as Trixie carps to Uncle Doesn’t Give A Shit that Deej won’t even try on the clothes she bought for her. Considering Trixie’s boobs are practically hanging out of her t-shirt onto the breakfast table, I can only imagine what those frocks look like. Looking over, Uncle Tactless says “those are nice”, and I’m thinking that’s a pretty rude thing to say about Trixie’s breasts with her daughter right there, until Deej holds up a shirt and says “They’re ugly” and I realize he was complimenting the clothes, not the chest. Now Deej goes off on a tirade that is just so realistic and sounds so much like what a pre-pubescent would rant about … She gripes that she refuses to conform to an anorexic, media view ideal of beauty. Huh? Okay, off the soapbox there, pint-sized Naomi Wolf. As she grabs her handbag, Trixie sarcastically tells Deej that’s fine, but she’s not leaving the house dressed like that, as Deej lifts her purple-striped-gloved-to-the-elbow right hand up to scratch her forehead. Trixie leaves and Deej, who looks like she’s been raiding Ray’s closet, whines to Uncle Leave Me Out Of It, “Tony!” He just gives her a “don’t look at me” glance, which sets her off on her bratty teenage tantrum, “I hate living here!” as she flounces out of the room in a huff and Uncle Heart Healthy goes back to lowering his cholesterol.

Two pieces of toast pop up out of a toaster as the camera pans to show just what I’d like to see pop up in the morning, Luka, in yummy Luka Blue II, standing behind it, putting on his tie. And we can actually see Luka. I mean, really clearly. Because damn if Luka’s apartment, aka “the bat cave”, isn’t actually all illuminated and sunshine-y bright. Wow. See, MoJo really is the light in their lives … and in their bat cave … Abby is behind Luka, holding MoJo in her left arm and opening the fridge with her right hand. This MoJo, the LA-actual-ER-set version, is a much more realistic size than the considerably colossal child Chicago MoJo they used in last week’s ep. Abby’s telling Luka that they’ve never really resolved the “nanny issue”. Luka narrow-mindedly asks her “Do we really want someone else raising our child?” as he walks behind her over towards the coffee maker , tossing a piece of toast onto a plate on the counter for her as he passes, then closes the refrigerator door after she grabs a pint container of either milk or half-and-half. As she scoots past him, Abby rightfully counters his conventionalism by saying “Well, I’m just talking about a few hours a week so I can get some stuff done around here”. She opens the pint with her free left hand as he pours a cup of coffee, saying that he thought they’d agreed to stagger their shifts. We can see MoJo’s stroller under the window, behind the breakfast bar stools and in front of Luka’s stereo and his crappy music collection, which looks fairly extensive, all on vinyl. Gotta have the Manilow in the original, eh, Luka? On the middle stool is what looks like a black baby carrier. I wonder if it’s the same one Abby made Luka model in the baby store? Although I think that one was a maroon color … Luka puts the coffee pot back on the maker’s burner plate as Abby pours the milk stuff into her cup and responds pointedly “Well, and what never see each other?” looking at him while he moves behind her, taking a bite of his toast as he moves towards the table. And the way they are interacting and moving around each other as they’re doing the breakfast thing seems so natural, like this is their typical morning routine. Totally domestic. And I’m so with you, Abby, on the making sure you see Luka thing – of course I would make sure he was always in my sight … and in my bedroom. Just saying. And, oh yeah … Bitch … Abby grabs her coffee cup, and also making her way to the table, says that even if that were practical, then continues knowingly “After your first day alone, you’d be begging for help. Trust me”. Hee. And the bat cave is really looking lived-in and baby-ified. MoJo’s car seat is on the dining table along with Abby’s red cell phone and some other baby type paraphernalia, including a cloth book, what looks like some travel/diaper bag sized antibacterial gels, rattle, folding changing mat, and a stuffed toy frog. Behind Luka is a baby swing with a pastel green blanket on the seat. And it’s looking like Luka and Abby went for having all their baby gear being a matching charcoal color, which does complement the green walls of the bat cave nicely … as well as Luka’s gray pants … Not that I was looking or anything … So good shopping and color coordinating, ER prop and wardrobe people. But maybe you can talk to the Sound Department because the bat cave really is kind of cavernous acoustically as there’s an echo every time either of them says a line. Must make for a fun time when they take a break from the Salon and the Hairdresser and Shampoo Boy game to don the helmet lamps and ropes to play Spelunker and her Cave Explorer. Taking a sip of his coffee, Luka confidently scoffs that he thinks he can handle it. And I’m thinking that nude jade green Venus de Milo-esque statue over by the red lamp on the desk is not really appropriate in a baby-filled environment. Though judging from the exposed floor lamp cords, I’m thinking you haven’t really embraced the baby-proofing yet, huh, Luka and Abby? I mean, you do have some time, but you might want to start thinking of ridding the place of its breakable phallic symbols. Of which there seem to be many. Just saying. As she hands Luka his MoJo, Abby tells him that if he can handle it so well, he can help her get MoJo in the car. He starts to walk over to an end table with MoJo up against his shoulder, but stops when he hears her say, “We’re late for our first Mommy & Baby class”. Holding MoJo with both hands under the baby butt, Luka turns around to stare at her with the same dubious “What? What?? What???” expression that I’m sure I’m sporting. Hee. Luka is so cute when he’s incredulous … And holding a baby … What is it about seeing gorgeous men with babies that is just so irresistible? … Sigh … And MoJo’s totally stylin’, decked out in some dandy diminutive dude duds – jeans with a camouflage shirt in an assortment of Luka Blue’s, and a Luka Blue the Original fleecy corduroy cap. MoJo must have some sort of a frog fetish, too, because there’s another stuffed toy one on the end table next to some yellow legal paper pads. Luka smirks as Abby’s busy getting stuff together, including her red cell phone, which she of course must carry at all time, since it’s her direct link to Carter. Ah,maybe that explains the frog fixation … because apparently, the frog is the new butterfly. She looks up, catches his grin and is all “What?” Luka opens his eyes wide as he turns away to grab the legal pads with his right hand, smiling to himself and obviously amused, he tells her, “Nothing”. Hee. He comes over towards Abby, one-handing MoJo with his left hand and putting the paper pads on the dining table with his other. Then he quickly moves his right hand up to MoJo’s back. Good thing, ‘cause you had me more than a little worried there, Goran, when it looked like LA MoJo was going to attempt a backwards freefall off your arm. Considering Goran’s height, there’s a 4.5 difficulty on that dive, MoJo. You might want to practice with a shorter distance and then work up to the 6’4”. Maybe you should try diving off Maura first. She’s closer to the ground. Or you could always ask the director to call in Skippy, the Stunt Baby. Because Abby’s obviously not very self-aware, she’s still all “What?” – ing why he, and the rest of us, are so entertained by the idea of her attending one of those things. She tries to explain “What? I thought it would be fun for … What??” as he places MoJo in the car seat. He shrugs and looks at her all mock innocently “I didn’t say anything. What?” Hee. MoJo’s fusses a little so Luka bends over him and speaks to him softly in Croatian, cutely touching his index finger to MoJo’s nose as MoJo gurgles at him. Awww. Luka straightens up saying that he has to go to work, as Abby grins at MoJo and the affectionate scene she just witnessed. Luka says “bye” then leans over and kisses Abby. Bitch. She smirks at him like she still hasn’t quite forgiven his merriment at her expense. As he starts to walk out, Luka tells her that he’ll call her later. Telling her “Don’t forget his frog” he grabs the one off the end table, as another long, tall phallic symbol is visible … No, not that! … It’s some sort of sculpture … over his shoulder … next to a vase of dried flowers … because we know Abby likes them “sad and dark” … and long … and tall … Bitch … Luka tosses the frog to her before continuing out. Grinning, Abby catches it and it squeaks. What is it with these two and the squeak toys? I wouldn’t take that from them, MoJo … you don’t know where it’s been … or what they’ve been doing on it … She quickly throws it back at him, but he’s already moved towards the door, so it bounces off the window blinds. Jeez, Abby. I know you are a girl but that doesn’t mean you have to throw like one. And, oh, yeah … you’re so obviously the softball All Star that your mom, Manic Maggie, bragged to Luka you were in Where the Heart Is, too. So I guess MoJo has “froggie favorites” too and the one closest to his car seat just doesn’t cut it and he simply has to have End Table Frog. MoJo starts crying, probably because that bitch Mommy slammed End Table Frog into the window. Abby picks fussy MoJo up out of the car seat, talking to him soothingly. As she goes to put him up to her shoulder, she says “Can you say ‘Daddy is a butthead’?”. Hee. She puts him on her shoulder and he immediately stops crying … Awww … She starts rubbing and patting his back as he looks around all wide-eyed and she asks him “Why is your daddy a butthead?” Hee. Cute scene.

As we see an old SUV cruising down the Chicago streets, we hear Deej complain to Uncle Comforting that she looks like a dork and he assures her that she doesn’t. Deej is all “this is not my style” and “it’s not me” as Uncle Reasonable tells her that if she doesn’t like what her mom buys her she should ask her to go shopping and they can pick out stuff together. Deej gives him a “yeah, right” look as he pulls up to a stop light and she unbuckles her seatbelt. Uncle Confused wants to know what she’s doing and she says “damage control” as she climbs into the backseat. Uncle Disapproving looks in the rearview mirror, calls her “Sarah” and tells her that this isn’t cool, as she pretty much admonishes Uncle Pervert for sneaking peeks “Do you mind? I’m changing”, and he looks back at the road. Uncle Serious Underbite hopes Trixie doesn’t find out about this, but Deej doesn’t think she will. Deej preaches at Uncle Condescending that he doesn’t know what it’s like for girls her age these days and that there’s a lot of pressure at school about looks and the clothes you wear … Uncle Sees Right Through the Bullshit wants to know “What’s his name?” Deej is all “who?”, but Uncle Know-it-all thinks this is “obviously about a guy”, which Deej tries to deny, but it so is. Deej sarcastically thinks that maybe she should dress like a “hussy” then and Uncle Smartass quips that maybe they should just get her a flak jacket and tell everyone that she’s a lesbian. Yeah, that’s it, Uncle Homophobe … diss the dykes … I dare you to say something to Weaver. Even if she doesn’t carry the cane anymore, I’m sure she can still probably beat you senseless. The newly grunge-attired Deej rolls her eyes and crawls back into the front seat. Deej admits “Adam”. Uncle Slow On the Uptake is all “huh?” and she replies “Adam Horner”, then full of teen angst, woe-is-me’s that he doesn’t even look at her. Uncle Overprotective thinks that’s good because he doesn’t want some guy named “horn dog” anywhere near her. Uncle Diplomatic tells her that most guys are jerks, and Deej counters “Wait a minute, you’re a guy”. Uh, duh, Deej. Did you not understand to whom Uncle Candid was referring? Moron. Uncle Ann Landers advises that if she wants this guy to notice her, she needs to forget about her clothes … and I’m thinking I need to call Social Services on Uncle Child Molester, until he continues “and ignore him”. Deej is as underwhelmed by that bit of wisdom and I am, as they pull up to her school. She tells Uncle Un-Parent that “you really suck at this”. Uncle Guidance Counselor thinks that most guys want what they can’t have and tells her to trust him, if she ignores the horn dog he’ll come running to her. Deej is skeptical. As she gets out, she shoots him a look and says “try not to kill anyone today”. Nice, Deej. Last week you were all with the Uncle Wonderful love …

Pratt is bagging some guy who falls unconscious as Sam says “he’s out”. Pratt wants to talk Busy through intubating Unconscious. Why don’t you just let Sam do it, Pratt. She all the expert at it now after doing it to save The Pretty in last season’s finale. Thanks again for that, Sam. Though just remember that I’ve already warned you that had best be the last time you touch him. He tells Busy to take a deep breath, then asks if she’s ready and she God-squats “With you and Jesus guiding my hand, I am”. Pratt and Sam share an amused glance. As he’s explaining everything to her, Busy is holding her breath. He wants to know if she can see the chords, and looking like she’s going to vomit, she shakes her head. He gives her crichoid pressure and asks how that is, but she still shaking her head and making protesting noises. Sam looks over at her, wondering what’s going on as Pratt tells her that the chords should be right there and that Unconscious is a young guy. Pratt’s telling Busy what to do as she keeps making these whimpering noises and looking like she’s going to pass out. Unconscious’ sat’s start dropping as Busy looks faint. Pratt grabs the flipper from her, telling her to pull out and bag as he takes over. Busy moves behind him, letting out the breath she was holding, gasping. He bitches that if she had done what he told her to do, she would have been able to pass the tube as she keeps gulping in air. Sam asks her if she wants to sit down. Trying to catch her breath, Busy says that she doesn’t feel so good. Pratt gets the tube in Unconscious just as Busy falls to the floor … unconscious. Pratt and Sam just sort of look over at her like … “oh … okay”, and are really not very interested, as we move into ER’s new funky graphic montage.

After commercial, Sam is pressing an ice pack to Busy’s head, and if they were their Freaks and Geeks characters, I’d be saying that Lindsay is pressing an ice pick to Kelly’s head instead. Busy blesses Sam. Pratt walks by, sighing as he looks at Busy. Ray asks him what happened to her, but Pratt blows it off “nothing” as Ray’s beeper goes off. Pratt wants to know what he’s doing with the Transport Beeper, because he had given it to Jane, aka Sara Gilbert, aka Darlene Connor from Roseanne. Ray didn’t think that Darlene really wanted it, so he offered. Pratt bitches that Ray can’t monopolize the beeper and that the other Residents need the experience, too. Ray protests that Darlene gets airsick. Pratt starts quizzing Ray on what’s going on with one of his patients as they move towards Admit. Ray assures him that the “Medicine team’s all over it”, but Pratt doesn’t think that’s good enough and that Ray has to be “all over it” and he can’t let the Internal Med docs take over his patient’s care. Ray asks sarcastically “I can’t?”, but Pratt is serious and tells Ray that he has to stay on top of the labs. Ray makes glib excuses, Pratt’s not amused and I really could care less because I just spotted Luka, with his back … side … towards the camera, standing at the Desk behind Pratt. Pratt starts to do something on the computer, and it just beeps at him. He wants to know what the hell’s going on with it, and Luka chimes in that the system is down again and that they said they should have it running in an hour, but that they’ve been saying that since yesterday. Timmy the Desk Clerk, who for some reason reminds me of Usher, asks Pratt “So, is it true?”, and says that the rumor is that Pratt killed an Intern. Pratt just looks at him griping, “Yeah, I wish”. Usher moves off as Pratt keeps up the grumbling, complaining that everything in the ER sucks, the equipment’s crap, the students are incompetent, the Interns can’t finish a chart , and the Residents don’t give a damn about their patients… as Luka moves to his side at the desk, smiling to himself as he listens to Pratt’s diatribe. Pratt looks over and notices Luka’s enjoyment. He starts that he knows what Luka is going to say – that Pratt was the same way, but Pratt insists he wasn’t. Yeah, okay, Dr. Short Term Memory. Obviously delighting in Pratt’s vexation as much as he was in Abby’s domestication, Luka gives him the same fake ignorance, “I didn’t say anything”. Hee. Pratt keeps on that he could chart, he could clear beds and he never passed out tubing a patient. Luka teases “I know … you were really, really special”. Hee. I love snarky Luka. Luka hands him the Residents’ in-service exam results and tells Pratt that he has to go over them with his residents. Luka starts to walk off down the hall and Pratt follows, asks if Luka’s seen them and sneers “See, this is exactly what I was talking about”, and that “they don’t know jack about emergency medicine”. Pratt thinks Solomon’s an idiot, Busy is annoying and incompetent, and Uncle Aggravating should have stayed a paramedic. He starts to go on about Darlene, but Luka interrupts and wants to know what’s wrong with her because he thinks she’s good. Pratt thinks Darlene is creepy, and that she’s always sneaking up on him. He thinks she’s like those twins in The Shining. Ooh, wow, they totally freaked me out too, Pratt. “Come play with us, Danny … forever … and ever … and ever …” Yikes. Yeah, I am so taking back those blue dresses I bought my twins … and my son’s Big Wheel … Shudders … Luka tells Pratt that the in-service shows their strengths and weaknesses and that they all have their own learning processes and Pratt needs to adjust accordingly. Luka get all boss-ly and tells Pratt that if the Residents fail it may be because Pratt’s a bad teacher. Then he sort of gives Pratt one of those half grins with a cluck sound, then walks away. He even makes insulting someone sexy. Though Pratt’s not as with the Luka Love as I am, so he sighs, pouts, and turns to go, stopping short when he notices Darlene standing at the end of the hallway staring at him. She keeps looking at him, then lifts her chin in a sort of “hey” recognition type way, which Pratt returns, unnerved, before turning and walking off as we cut to:

A bunch of women standing in a circle in an obvious Romper Room type place, lifting then bringing down a multi-colored parachute thingy as their babies lay on the pastel blue carpet at their feet, and some annoying clanking belled, perkily sung kiddie song plays. In the background, we see Abby, with MoJo in a baby carrier strapped to the front of her, coming in through the door as the Insipid Instructor instructs “… and mommies let go …” then smiles, gathers up the parachute, and tells everyone to pick up their babies. Abby walks over, drops her diaper bag backpack, and starts to unsnap MoJo from the same baby carrier that I used for my kids. And what the hell do you have on your feet, Abby??? Those wedge toeless at-least-four-inch huge heeled platform sandal things, besides not looking very comfortable, are so not what you should be wearing for exercising with baby. You should probably invest in a good pair of Birkenstocks or some serious running shoes, because once MoJo gets mobile, spraining your ankles on a regular basis would so not be a good thing. Abby says “hi” and apologizes for being late. She introduces herself and MoJo as she continues to try to get him out of the carrier. Insipid fake smiles “hi”. Abby looks up from what she’s doing to notice all the other moms staring at her. Not sure why they’re doing that, Abby smiles and asks a little nervously “Am I in the right place? This is the ‘Mommy and Baby’ class?”, holding the back of MoJo’s head and kneeling down on the rug. Insipid keeps up the sham simper, saying “Yes … yes it is”. Abby thinks that’s good, and still undoing MoJo’s straps and trying to be friendly, chuckles and unnecessarily explains “Well, I’m a mommy … and this is a baby”. Next to her is a Snobby Sour-faced Splenetic Suburban Mom, who would resemble Megan Mullally … if Megan had a pixie haircut … and were eating a lemon … and had a stick wedged up her ass. Stick-wedged Megan, who’s coordinated her plaid top with her bald baby’s bib, looks over disapprovingly and chides “Yeah, being suspended by his crotch”. Uh oh. Abby’s got MoJo in the Crotch Captor Carrier. Holding MoJo’s pacifier and not sure she heard what she heard, Abby smiles quizzically and says “Excuse me?” Insipid chimes in “You’re carrying your child in a device that could cause hip luxation and spinal injury”. Cradling Binky-faced MoJo, Abby looks over at her, listening to what she’s saying as Insipid condescends that he really should be in a Sling. Shut up, Insipid! You T-Shirted Tiny-minded Tart! Ugh. Abby tries to explain that she’s a doctor … as Stick-wedged Megan, looking over at her reinforcements, and in what should have been said more under her breath but because her poisonous personality prevents perspicacity, patronizingly proclaims proper parenting pointer, “Yeah, you think she’d know better”. Shut up, Stick-wedged Megan! You Burberry Bedizened Bitch. Oh, please go bitchcakes and give her the smackdown for all us Baby Bjorn carrying moms out there, Abby! But Abby’s got a little more restraint than I do, and instead matches their fake smiles and retorts “She is sitting right here”. Stick-wedged superciliously sermonizes, “Well, then you should know that a happy, healthy baby is always carried in a Sling”. Abby holds MoJo’s binky to his mouth, probably because he’s a Kovac, and they’re known for not taking kindly to people who give Abby a rough time and he might just have to utilize his projectile vomiting skills. Abby smirks, then increasingly sardonic and flippant, “Well, I do know that if you dress your baby like some sort of designer accessory, you’re headed for problems. But, don’t worry. I work in the ER. So I’ll be there to take care of her when she comes in ... fourteen … pregnant … with a drug overdose” … Hee … You go, Abby … Moving her hands in a conciliatory gesture and with the phony smile still tattooed to her face, Insipid insipidly interjects “Maybe this isn’t the best class for you”, as Abby looks over at her with a “Oh, ya think?” expression. Hee. Funny scene.

An old British lady with dyed red hair being pushed on a gurney is smiling and thanking Morris for the lunch tray and saying that she particularly enjoyed the bread pudding. He tells her she’s welcome and that’s one of his favorites too as he walks off to Pratt who’s looking at an x-ray in the hall. Morris, who’s dressed in a suit, says “Ah, the return of Goat Boy”, and that he heard one of the doctors made a charm bracelet from all they took from his belly. They walk towards Admit and Morris is updating Pratt and handing off his charts. Pratt says, “Wait a minute. What the hell are these?” Morris tells him they’re “pass-ons” and keeps on going. As they get to Admit, Pratt’s bitching because the charts aren’t complete. He doesn’t want to take them, telling Morris that they’re not pass-ons, they’re “train wrecks”, as Luka is standing behind them watching all this. Morris protests that he can’t stay, that “Max” has a soccer game and it’s the play-offs and Morris promised he’d be there. Pratt’s all “who?” and Morris explains that it’s his “son” and it’s a family thing. Pratt asks if the family even knows about him yet, but Morris says they’re keeping that on the “low low” for now, chuckling “You know what I’m saying?” and tapping Pratt on the shoulder saying “Thanks, dog”. Pratt watches him walk out, then turns to a smirking Luka and says “Did you just see that?” Luka did and responds “He’s your dog boy”. Hee. Pratt complains that Morris is not his “dog” and is not his “boy” and “We don’t use the two together”. Still smirking, Luka says “I know”. Pratt wants to know if Luka’s going to take one of those charts, but Luka says he has a trauma coming in and that Pratt is not always going to have the luxury of having another Attending on the shift with him and Pratt’s going to have to learn to handle those things on his own. Luka walks away as Ray comes up and updates Pratt on his patients. Pratt smiles at him, patting him on the back and saying “Nice job, Ray. Here’s four more” and hands him Morris’ charts. Ray’s all “are you kidding me?” and asks “Is this about the Transport Beeper?” as Pratt walks away, smiling to himself. Pratt walks over to the Curtain Area where Haleh is showing the Interns how to put on a leg cast. Pratt tells Solomon that he didn’t do well on the ortho section of the in-service exam and asks him the difference between the Jones and dancer types of fractures. Solomon’s clueless, so Uncle Helpful chimes in with a detailed answer. Pratt’s not impressed and guesses Uncle Expert just had a patient like that, but he didn’t. Pratt’s doubtful. He barks at the Interns and they start making the rounds. Busy starts giving the bullet on her patient in Curtain Two as they walk by Old Brit Lady who stops Pratt and asks if “his boss” is still there. Pratt responds “Excuse me?” and Old Brit Lady says that she needs to speak with “Archie”. Pratt smiles and explains that Morris is not his boss and that he’s gone for the day. He asks if there is something he can help with, but Old Brit Lady just disappointedly says no, so Pratt walks off.

Pratt goes over to Darlene and tells her that she needs to focus on Cardiology. He quizzes her on some type of jargon-y arrhythmia thing, and she knows part of it, but then is stumped, so of course, Uncle Sympathetic pretends to cough, giving her the answer. Darlene smiles and says that she’s just guessing, then gives that answer. Pratt looks at Uncle Not Fooling Anyone and gives him a “you might as well continue” gesture. Uncle Walking Encyclopedia gives the rest of the treatments, ending with asking Pratt “Right?” Pratt wants to know how Uncle Doofus managed to fail every subsection of the in-service exam. …Uncle Best Intern Ever did that badly? … Hmmm … That’s interesting … Uncle Cheeky guesses that he just doesn’t test well. Pratt thinks he better start and they keep rounding. He asks Uncle Looks Like A Bit of A Beer Gut Starting There if he has something to present, but he doesn’t and starts to claim that he started with Luka … but Pratt wants to see his charts. Uncle Procrastinator says he’s still working on them, and Pratt bitches that he told him to keep them current and to do them as he goes. Luka comes in with the trauma saying he has a five year old crush injury to the abdomen and he and his grandfather were chopping down a tree. Yikes. Guess someone forgot to yell “Timber!”, eh, Crush? Luka tells Pratt that they’re bringing in the grandfather with chainsaw injuries. What, is it Leatherface? Pratt says he’s got it and tells the Interns to keep working up their patients and grab a couple more charts. Uncle Follower goes with him and Pratt wants to know where he thinks he’s going. Uncle Dude thinks chainsaw injuries can be “gnarly”, but Pratt tells him he has to finish with the patients he has before moving on to anything else and walks off leaving Uncle Pissed to look, pissed.

Neela is walking down the hallway on the surgical floor when a girl who looks like Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High comes running up to her, introducing herself as “Katie Evans”. Phoebe says she’s a medical student and that Moby told her to shadow Neela today. Neela’s all surprised “He did?” Phoebe got the feeling she was getting on Moby’s nerves, but Neela assures her that he gives that impression to everyone. They walk past a tall Clark-Kent-without-the-glasses-but-so-not-Superman-looking guy who says hi to Phoebe and gives her a knowing smile. Neela asks if he’s a friend of hers, but Phoebe says “hardly”, then explains that they went out a couple of times and it didn’t work out. Neela thinks that’s too bad because Clark’s cute. Phoebe scoffs that Clark is way too into himself and to be honest, he’s “orally challenged”. Neela asks “Oh, bad breath?”, but Phoebe smiles and answers “not exactly”. Neela’s still not getting it, so Phoebe fills her in conspiratorially “He won’t go south of 14th street”. Oh, good God. Is this really appropriate workplace conversation? And I really don’t need to know that Clark’s not into speaking in tongues … Neela doesn’t get it, so Phoebe, continues “You know … he refuses to dine at the Y”. Not into having a box lunch, Clark? Well, you know Clark, you can’t be too tidy so maybe if you used a lobster bib … Sucks for you though, Phoebe, did he pull the old dine and dash? And it’s just so great to see that ER hasn’t lost all of its fourteen year old staff writers to Grey’s Anatomy. Ugh. Neela finally gets it, just as Moby walks up all mock chipper and chirping “This is what I’m talking about … making friends and saving lives”. Moby facetiously wants to know if it gets any better than this, then answers his own question “No … it … does … not”. He’s got a stack of charts and tells Neela about a patient who’s in for her 27th visit, which she questions and Moby quips that “Someone needs to tell her that the hospital stopped giving out Frequent Flyer miles”. Moby adds that she has chronic rectal discomfort, and like it’s Christmas morning gives them the present of saying that the two of them get to work her up and review her old charts, then dumps all the charts he’s carrying on Neela. Neela questions “All 27?”, and Moby scoffs “No, why don’t you just forget about visits 6, 13, and what do you think … 21?” Moby thinks that would keep it interesting and it would be like playing Patient Roulette. He tells them to be prepared to present her at afternoon rounds then walks away smiling contemptuously and adding “Smiles all around”. Phoebe thinks that maybe he should use his extensive surgical skills to remove that bug from his ass. Oh, Phoebe … it’s obvious you are a newcomer to this show or else you would know that the phrase of choice is “insect in his anus” … You have so much to learn … And not just about the Residents’ dining habits either … Neela’s beeper goes off. Because admitting to Sergio Mendes being her music of choice shows that she’s embraced her inner Screech, Neela thinks she’s been Saved By The Bell because they need her down in the ER. Phoebe’s glad that she’s not doing an ER rotation because she’s heard horror stories. Oh, It’s okay, Phoebe … no reason to be frightened … Carter and his huge swelled head are gone now … there’s no worrying about his ego eating up everything in sight anymore … Though, actually … you may be right about the apprehension … Really not so sure about Uncle Vanity yet … Neela doesn’t think the ER’s so bad … once you get used to the smell … Considering the ER’s been known to have shit dripping out of its ceiling, not to mention some pretty rank romantic pairings, I’m not so sure that’s a smell one could “get used to”, Neela …

Luka and Sam are in Trauma Green working on Crush. Luka gets in a central line and Sam says that the pressure’s only 85 after the bolus and asks him how much O neg. Luka says 40 per kilo, 800 cc’s. Usher comes in telling Luka that they have his pelvis film. Oh, I would so pay to see a film of your pelvis, Luka. And I wouldn’t need movie candy, because that would be some serious eye candy ... And since it’s you, I’m thinking one movie is just not long enough … We’ll need a mini series … Or maxi series, as it were … Or we could skip the filmed version altogether and have a live showing instead. Consider me your studio audience. Just saying. Usher tells Sam that the school called and her son, New Alex, aka Newlex, aka Splinter, because based on his acting, he’s obviously the sapling of Neela’s dead husband, Gallant, aka Plank, now known as Deadwood, never showed up for homeroom. Sam’s all “what???” because she dropped him off this morning. Since he’s just so unfeeling and unsympathetic towards his ex-live-in and her psycho spawn now that he has a kid of his own and a side job at the Hair Salon, and apparently cares even less about Splinter’s branching out than I do, Luka’s heartlessly chooses to ignore Splinter’s trouble du jour and focus instead on the little boy who’s crashing on the table. Luka orders Sam to type and cross for four and says that Crush is losing a ton of blood, as Neela and Phoebe come on asking if this is the crush injury. Doing an ultrasound, Luka tells her that Crush has an unstable pelvis, and an open book fracture with complete SI joint disruption and lateral displacement, as Phoebe looks up at him, momentarily transfixed by his beauty. I’m so with you on that, Phoebe. But looking is all you’re allowed to do, bitch. Neela’s all business, probably because she got the gentle yet unmistakable letdown from Luka when she had the crush on him in Season 11, so like with a solar eclipse, she’s learned how to avert her eyes and not look directly at the light. Neela asks how Crush’s belly is and Luka says the spleen is okay and it looks like a small liver lac. Phoebe asks “So he goes to Angio, first?”, then dares to look up at The Pretty again. I’m letting you slide because I do sympathize with the overwhelming temptation of the irresistible perfection before you, Phoebe, but don’t push my generosity. Neela jargons some stuff that I don’t catch, and no offense Crush, but even though it’s Luka treating you, I’m just not interested enough to go back and figure it out. Luka thinks he may have torn his urethra, and that certainly sounds painful, Crush. Poor you. Luka thinks that will have to wait and if they can stop the pelvic bleeders in Angio, Crush might make it to the OR. As he starts heading towards Trauma Yellow, Luka orders for them to bring blood, FFP and get him on a portable monitor.

In Trauma Yellow, Pratt is irrigating the chest wound on Leatherface, who is worried watching what’s going on in Trauma Green and telling Pratt that it wasn’t a very big tree, only about 8” in diameter and that he was just finishing the cut when the chainsaw broke. Leatherface winces and cries out a little in pain. Pratt apologizes and asks Chuny for more lidocaine. Luka asks how it’s going in here and Pratt says that Leatherface was lucky and most of his wounds look superficial. Leatherface asks Luka how Crush is and Luka tells him that the injuries are serious and that he’s bleeding internally, but he’s hanging in there, as the camera shot switches to Neela, Phoebe and Sam wheeling Crush out of the trauma room. Leatherface wants to know if he can see him, but Luka tells him not right now and says that they are going to take him upstairs and try to stop the bleeding, as Luka puts his gloved right hand to the other side of Leatherface’s head. When he pulls his hand back, there’s a little bit of blood on his fingertips. Luka doesn’t look concerned by this. Um, I’m thinking you probably should be, Luka. Haven’t you ever watched this show? I mean, anyone who’s even a semi-regular viewer knows that when they show blood coming from seemingly superficial wounds, the patient later crashes. I’d hate to see this coming back to bite you on the ass, Luka … Because if anyone’s going to do that to you, it’s going to be me … Just saying … Luka asks Pratt if he’s good down here if Luka goes up to Angio with Crush. Pratt’s says “yeah”, but noticing Luka’s hesitation, assures him, “I’m good … Go”. Luka says “Okay” and heads out. Leatherface is upset and tells Pratt that he was being so careful and he thought his grandson was safe. Chuny comforts him and tells him not to worry and that they’re doing everything they can to help him. Ray comes in and asks if Pratt is almost finished in there. Pratt says “no” and asks why. Ray tells him that he could really use his help in Curtain Two. Pratt wants him to be more specific, so Ray fills him in that Morris’ patient, Old Brit Lady, the one with the UTI and who was just waiting on a ride has a systolic of 55. Pratt bitches Morris in absentia, tells Chuny to keep irrigating, set up another suture kit and he’ll be right back and walks out with Ray. As they head over to Curtain Two, Ray fills Pratt in on Old Brit Lady, and says that Morris said there was nothing to do, and he guesses Morris lied. Gee, big surprise there. Pratt says that Old Brit Lady’s tachy after two liters and Morris should have seen that coming. As they’re standing over an unconscious Old Brit Lady, Pratt starts to ask about access when we hear his name being shouted. Pratt turns to see:

Haleh and some guy paramedics bringing in a guy who was badly burned in a welding tank explosion. Yikes. This guy’s looking mighty fricasseed. Some Guy Paramedic One tells Pratt that the other one is more stable. Pratt turns to see another gurney being wheeled in with Luis Escobar, who has shrapnel to the left neck and chest, his vitals are stable and he has good breath sounds. Haleh looks at these two and says that she’d better page an Attending, and Pratt reminds her that he is one, and he’s got this. He tells them to put Shrapnel in Trauma Two, then calls for Darlene, who is of course creepily standing right behind him. He tells Darlene to go with Haleh and tells Solomon that he’s with him in Trauma One. Pratt gives meds orders to Ray, then hitches up his pants, readying himself, before heading to the traumas.

After commercial, Sam’s on the phone in Trauma Yellow asking Splinter where he is. She tells him “No, you’re not. Don’t lie to me”. She says that the school called the hospital and is starting to bitch at him that he has ten minutes to get his butt back, when Pratt and Solomon burst in the room with Fricassee. Pratt tells Solomon to help Sam make room and move Leatherface as Fricassee either asks them if they want fries with him, or to give him something for the pain … hard to tell with the oxygen mask on, Fricassee, so you need to e-nun-ci-ate. Since Pratt calls for more morphine instead of some ketchup, I’m guessing it was probably meds that Fricassee asked for. Solomon says he’ll call the Burn Unit as Pratt explains to Fricassee that they’re going to have to put a tube in to help him breathe. He calls for an 8-0 and an intubation tray, then tells Sam he’ll be right back as he goes to check on Shrapnel.

Pratt goes into Trauma Green. Haleh tells him that Shrapnel was thrown against the wall by the blast. Darlene says it looks like shrapnel to the upper torso and neck. Duh, Darlene. The paramedics had already told us that. Why don’t you go back to haunting The Overlook? Idiot. Shrapnel asks Pratt how Fricassee is, and Pratt tells him that they are working on him but now it’s his turn. He asks Shrapnel where it hurts. Um, I’m guessing probably where his wounds are, Pratt. Shrapnel proves me right by saying “my chest”. Chuny says that the sat’s are dropping and Pratt says there are decreased breath sounds on the left. He pushes on Shrapnel’s belly and Shrapnel cries out in pain. Pratt spouts out orders for a CBC, type and cross for two, ringers, c-spine, chest and pelvis. Pratt tells Chuny to page Surgery and he’ll be right back, as he tells Shrapnel he’s doing good then heads back into Trauma Yellow. Cut to:

Kids playing soccer. Morris is on the sidelines, cheering on Tangerine Boy. He’s getting really into it and telling Tangerine Boy that if he can’t go around the other guy, to go through him. A standard soccer dad, who’s standing next to him and has been cheering his kid on looks over at Morris and tells him that’s not setting a good example. Morris just scoffs and ignores him, walking along the sidelines. Tangerine Boy, also known as “Max”, scores and all the parents cheers. As he runs past, Morris congratulates him and tells him that he’s “killing them out there” and they bump knuckles on their right hands. A couple of soccer moms are watching this and Soccer Mom One asks the other “Who’s that with your son?” Tangerine Mom says she doesn’t know, and heads over to where her son’s team has come in for a huddle. She asks the coach who Tangerine Boy was talking to, but the coach doesn’t know. Tangerine Boy guiltily avoids looking at Tangerine Mom. Coach tells Tangerine Mom that Morris had said he was a friend. Tangerine Mom ain’t looking too happy as she looks over at Morris.

Chuny hands Pratt Shrapnel’s chest film. He tells her to set up for a chest tube and that he’ll be right over. She tells him that she’s having a hard time finding a second line. Darlene calls in to Pratt that Shrapnel is bradying down. Pratt hurries in as Haleh calls out that the heart rate’s in the 40’s. Pratt tells Shrapnel that he has to put a tube in his chest to expand his lungs. Ray comes in to help and Pratt asks what’s going on with Old Brit Lady. Ray says that he thinks she’s doing okay and he handed her off to Uncle Amazing. Pratt’s not too happy with that, but Ray tells him that Uncle Omnipresent is “all over it”. Pratt pushes in the chest tube, and blood splatters all over him. Pratt bitches that Uncle Superior is an Intern and wants to know who’s supervising him. Ray cracks that officially, Pratt is. Pratt sends Darlene to check what’s going on.

Busy is having a hard time finding a vein on Old Brit Lady. Uncle Instructor is suggesting that she try holding the needle at a 45 degree angle and leans over her shoulder. Busy complains that she can’t see because her glasses keep fogging up. Yeah, Uncle Humid is just that steamy, huh, Busy? Ugh. Because Busy’s got on the goggles and yellow trauma apron, Uncle Arrogant condescends that maybe next time she should leave the Hazmat suit at home and tells her that she’s got to “feeeel” for the pulse. Usher comes over and says that the guy in Curtain Three lost his foot pulse, as Uncle Pharmacist says for the nurses to give five more of morphine and to grab him a Doppler and he’ll be there in a few minutes. Old Brit Lady doesn’t seem to be doing well and Uncle Initiative wants to put in a central line, which surprises Busy. As he fills a syringe held by a helpful male nurse, Uncle Hip says that it’s the early goal directed therapy for sepsis and that “all the kids are doing it”. You’re just so happening, aren’t you, Uncle Witty? Ugh. Busy asks if they’re going to get in trouble, as Helpful Male Nurse seems to have the same “materialize at will” ability that Darlene has, because he’s now nowhere in sight. Weird. Uncle Patronizing tells Busy that Old Brit Lady is in trouble and they are trying to save her, that’s what they do, as Helpful Male Nurse again appears behind him. Busy starts praying about God giving them the knowledge to help save this sweet woman and Uncle Righteous chimes in “Hallelujah to that, sister” as he sticks a needle into Old Brit Lady’s neck.

Up in Angio, as Luka bags Crush, a goggled doctor is saying that there’s good embolization and that it should buy them some time. The camera pans up to show us a really lovely shot of a goggle-wearing, serious Luka … seriously sexy that is … yum … Luka glances over at Goggled, then looks at the scan image, as we hear a monitor start crazy beeping. Neela, who’s standing next to Goggled, calls out that Crush’s pressure is dropping. Luka moves quickly around the scanner machine and grabs an ultrasound to check Crush’s belly as Neela takes over bagging. Phoebe says that Moby’s standing by in the OR, as Goggled moves a gurney over to the table. Luka says that it looks like the liver lac opened up and Goggled chimes in that the heart rate is dropping. Luka curses “Damn it!” and they transfer Crush to the gurney. Luka calls for a mg of atropine and to squeeze in the blood. Neela asks if Luka wants her to continue bagging, but he tells her to go see what they need in the ER, he’s got this. Neela pulls off her goggles and heads out.

Abby is pushing the Peg Perego stroller and walking by the river, talking on her red cell phone. So, of course, she must be calling Carter Except, not … It seems she’s calling Luka and is leaving a message on his voicemail. “Hi .. It’s me. Mommy & Baby was a freak show” … Hee … Yeah, Stick-wedged Megan was sort of Koo Koo The Bird Girl-esque … They probably misheard Abby’s introductions and thought they’d found their new JoJo, the Dog-Faced Boy … Maybe they need to meet Uncle Whiskers … Abby tells Luka’s voicemail that they’re headed to the park and she thought that maybe even if he only had a few minutes he might want to come by and say “hi”. Awww … That’s sweet. They’re such a family … Bitch … Unless it really is Carter she’s calling, in which case I have to change that to Crazy Bitch. And since they’re outside and apparently on location, they must be using Chicago MoJo. Except … Yikes! This MoJo’s ginormous … He’s even bigger than last week’s. And has a lot more hair … And it looks kind of … reddish … Oh no … Please, no … Say it ain’t so, MoJo … Say it ain’t so … Don’t tell me that Morris has yet another sperm-donated offspring in the offing … Because … Ewww … No, really … just … Ewww, Abby … And you were calling Luka’s Croatian seed “mutant” ???… Ugh … And I guess when you were pregnant and Morris kept calling The Lukaby “our baby”, it wasn’t just as an ER mascot, then, was it? … Ewww … So am I going to have to call him MoJo Mo now? … Ugh … Abby then says “I’m going to look for some ‘normal’ moms … so we’ll be here for a while”. Hee … She walks over to where a group of young women are sitting, watching little kids play in the sandlot. Abby goes over to the bench, says “hi” and a yellow sweater-ed woman sitting there drinking from a travel mug says “hey” back. Abby asks if she can sit there and a Paris Hilton-shade bleached blonde sitting on the edge of the sandbox tells her “sure”. Abby sits down as one of the women, in a magenta hoodie, starts speaking real fast in Spanish. And my four years of high school Spanish so did not stick because I can’t understand a word she’s saying. Magenta seems a little agitated, and comes and sits next to Yellow, who sympathetically replies something else in Spanish that I of course didn’t catch. And since undoubtedly I didn’t learn anything anyway, I am so wishing I hadn’t let my father talk me out of taking French with the delicious Mssr. Délicieux instead of having Spanish with the malodorous Señora Maloliente. Ugh. Abby’s listening to all this, but since she seemingly also either didn’t study it, or just plain didn’t study, like me, she’s not comprehending the convo. Abby asks concerned “Is everything okay?” A black hoodie-ed chick, who resembles Jorja Fox, who used to play Maggie Doyle on this show and is now on CSI, fills her in that Magenta thinks she’s pregnant. Abby’s all sincerely “Oh, congratulations” until Jorja, shaking her head, warns her “Oh no”. A little disconcerted, Abby corrects herself, “Oh … no?” Yellow explains that the father is the husband of the woman she works for. Taken aback, Abby processes this, replying, “Oh … Wow … That’s …”, then not knowing how to finish the sentence, just nods a little. Covering her discomfiture with curiosity, Abby asks smiling a little, “What’s she going to do?” Paris says that she told her to have an abortion, and Jorja jumps in saying that’s what she did. Trying to clarify and make sure she didn’t just wander into Bizarro World … or considering what’s going on with these women, Biz-Whore-O World … Abby questions Jorja, “You got pregnant by the husband of the woman you work for, too?” Yellow says that it happens and Magenta addresses Abby and starts Spanish-ing some more. Abby glances down because she doesn’t comprehend a word of it. Then in a classic self-conscious “This conversation is so awkward” gesture, Abby looks like she’s stretching her arms out in front of her on her legs and clasping her hands together, sort of shrugging into herself, then smiles and chuckles uncomfortably asking, “What’d she say?” Yellow starts to explain “Oh, the only husbands that don’t fantasize about banging their nannies …” as once again because she can’t go two seconds without interrupting, Jorja interjects, “… Are the ones who are already doing it”. Paris comments that it’s sort of their “nanny motto”. Finally catching on, Abby asks rhetorically “Oh, you’re all nannies?” Jorja tells her they are, and because evidently everyone in the park in the middle of the afternoon must be, asks Abby “Aren’t you?” Playing with her hair and obviously realizing she hasn’t found the normal moms she hoped for, and so not wanting to get into a personal discussion with these slutty sitters, Abby responds “Yes …” and, smiling a little before looking over at MoJo in the stroller, continues “… Yes I am”, then grins reticently at them … Hee …

Pratt, Sam and Solomon are working on Fricassee, who’s not doing too well. Pratt starts cutting Fricassee’s chest to test for doneness. Pratt elbows Solomon away, because he’s standing too close, so Solomon goes over to Leatherface, who they had pushed into the corner to make room for Fricassee. He tells Leatherface that they’re going to find him a new room, then notices that Leatherface is unresponsive. He starts rubbing his sternum trying to get him to wake up as the camera pulls back to show that the area around Leatherface’s head, and the floor, are soaked with blood. Yikes. Better bend over, Luka. Sam looks over and curses “Son of a bitch, Pratt!” What, did Splinter just walk into the room? Sam tells Pratt that the “little head lac” is not so little as she raises the head of Leatherface’s gurney. Pratt’s busy with carving up Fricassee, so he can’t come over right then. He tells Sam to keep pressure on it and that Leatherface must have hit something arterial. Fricassee’s sats start coming up, and Pratt celebrates that he’s at least got one patient who’s stabilized as Haleh calls in to him from Trauma Green that they need an Attending in there. Pratt rushes in and looks at the ultrasound of Shrapnel’s belly that Ray is doing. Pratt says it looks like a hematoma and asks where Surgery is. Chuny says she’s paged them three times. Pratt asks if the vitals are stable and Haleh tells him that Shrapnel’s tachy but the pressure’s okay. As Pratt’s examining Shrapnel, the phone rings. Haleh tells him that he’s got the Burn Unit on Two as Sam runs in and says that Leatherface’s IV blew and they can’t get in the second line and that his crit is down to 29. Busy, Pratt tells her he’ll be right there. As Darlene walks in, Pratt asks her what’s going on with Uncle Eagerness and she says that he’s asking for a rib spreader. Pratt wants to know what the hell Uncle Surgeon Wannabe would be doing with a rib spreader, but Darlene’s not really sure. Sam asks Pratt what he wants her to do as Pratt spots Busy walking by with a rib spreader. A persecuted Pratt wants to know what’s going on out there and throws his gloves as Neela and Phoebe walk in, apologizing because they were stuck upstairs and asking Pratt what he needs. Haleh bitches that the Burn Unit is holding. Pratt calls for someone to page Luka, but Neela tells them not to bother because they just left him with a pelvic trauma and that the boy “crumped” in Angio, as the Overture of Overextended Attendings that has been playing in the background builds with Pratt’s frustration level. Pratt rubs his forehead, trying to get control of the situation. He tells Neela to take Shrapnel up to CT and that Ray will fill her in on the way. He then orders Haleh to transfer the call to Trauma Yellow, as he heads in there with Sam.

Morris and Standard Soccer Dad are still barking orders from the sidelines. Standard admonishes the ref that he missed a foul, and Morris tells him to come on, it’s “soccer, not water ballet”. No, it most definitely is not. I’ve seen the water ballet at the local Y performed by the Blue-haired Baggy Boobed Bathing Beauties … and believe me, it ain’t a pretty sight. And by “Y”, I mean the YMCA … I’m so not talking about Phoebe’s “Y” … don’t even go there. Ugh. He then yells to Tangerine to dig deep, and work that ball. Camera switches to the soccer moms, who are lounging in their chairs under a canopy, watching the game. A pink hoodied mom comes rushing up, apologizing to Tangerine Mom that she got hung up at work. Hey, it’s Elaine Hendrix … who played Dennis Quaid’s bitchy girlfriend Meredith in The Parent Trap. Tangerine Mom saved her a seat, which Meredith sits in, not at all ladylike, with her legs wide apart and resting her elbows on her knees. She asks how they’re doing and Soccer Mom One says that they are winning 2-1. Morris and Standard are still sideline-coaching. Tangerine Mom asks Meredith if she knows Morris. Meredith doesn’t and asks who he is and Tangerine Mom fills her in that apparently he’s a friend of Tangerine’s, and they share a “hmmm” look. Meredith channels Sam and Botox-scowls as she looks over at Morris. She says she’s never seen him before. Morris is really getting into the game and is yelling as Tangerine’s got the ball and is going towards the net. Tangerine scores and Morris throws his arms in the air celebrating and shouting “Gooooaaaal!!!” Meredith jumps to her feet cheering. Morris gloats in Standard’s face about how great Tangerine’s shot was, finishing with “That’s gotta hurt, right?” And I so want to hurt you, Morris. I honestly don’t know who’s more annoying, you or Uncle Irritating. Though to be honest, you’re like the gum-stuck-to-the-bottom-of-your-shoe type of minor disturbance, while Uncle Irksome and his Giant Superiority Complex are threatening to be the kind of major aggravation where I just want to jump through the TV screen and throttle him before pulling out a pair of tweezers and yanking out all of his stubble, one by one … Good times. Tangerine comes over to Morris and they’re all bumping chests over the goal, which Morris claims was giving them a taste of “’Max’-imum destruction”, and they do the male bonding growl at each other thing, before Tangerine goes to head off with his team. As he passes by, Morris smacks his ass in that way all jocks do as a supposed gesture of encouragement. We hear “Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!?”, and … Uh oh … Here comes Meredith and the Pissed-off Parent Posse. Morris doesn’t get who they’re talking to and Meredith gets in his face “You touched my kid?” What? I thought Tangerine Mom was Tangerine’s mom. I guess he’s got two moms, unless, considering the way she was sitting earlier, Meredith is “Dad”. Standard jumps in and asks Morris, “Wait a minute … he’s not your kid?” Morris is completed surrounded by the Steaming Soccer Superstar Sire Squad. Meredith bitches that she doesn’t know who this “creep” is, and I am so with you on that descriptor, Meredith. Though I could help you with your vocabulary, because there are much better terms, and I guess they didn’t let you know beforehand, but you are allowed to say “dick” on this show now. Tangerine is watching this with an “Oh, shit” expression. Meredith wants to know if this is how Morris gets his jollies, by “touching little boys in a park”. No, Meredith, Morris gets his jollies by touching my last nerve … and not just touching it, but tirelessly traipsing tenaciously totally torpedoing it. Morris tries to tell them that they are making a “big mistake”, but Standard’s having none of it and pushes Morris hard, calling him a “freaking pervert”. Backing up, Morris tells him to “back off”, but Standard keeps advancing. Standard wants to know if he’s too big for Morris, then channels me goes to punch Morris in the face. Thanks, Standard. Maybe you can head over to County when you’ve managed Morris’ mutilation and pummel Uncle Pestilence for me. Oh, and have you ever been to Africa?? … Except it looks like I’ll have to find someone else for the job, because Morris is able to sidestep Standard, shoving him instead so that Standard stumbles and takes a header into the sideline bench, getting knocked out in the process. Nice, Standard. You started out so well too. The Game Gaping Guarding Gang rushes over to Standard, trying to wake him up. Coach asks for someone to call 911and get an ambulance, and Meredith chimes in “And get the cops!” Morris pushes through the crowd telling them that there’s no need to panic. Another Soccer Dad stops him and Morris says that he’s an ER doctor, and Another lets him go. Morris tells everyone to back up and let him do what he has to as Meredith sucker-punches him and he falls to the ground. And I think I may just have found my thug-for-hire …

After commercial, Abby is still sitting on the bench with the Brazen Bimbo Babysitter Bunch, leaning her elbows on her knees and snacking on stuff out of a plastic baggy. Jorja and Paris are now sitting on the bench with their travel mugs, too. Jorja is blabbing that her employers spent about a million dollars on fertility drugs to “have this kid”, then gestures towards a toddler with the Pebbles Flintstone hairdo and scoffs “Look at her … that’s not a million dollar baby”. Well, no, of course not, Jorja … Everybody knows that was Hilary SwankParis nastily adds “Right, like ‘Take the hint, lady’ … maybe there’s a good reason why Mother Nature doesn’t want you having kids of your own”. Nice, Paris. Too bad your mother didn’t heed that advice. The Catty Caretakers collectively chuckle. Magenta starts Spanish-ing again, and Yellow interprets for Abby that Magenta’s boss is a bitch. Abby is listening to all this intently, but with her brow furrowed, as she’s digesting the belittling backbiting bitchiness. Come on now, Abby. Considering the hospital’s gargantuan gossiping grapevine, are you really that surprised at these gals griping grossly? Yellow goes on that Magenta felt sorry for the husband because he seemed so lonely and Bitch was always going away with her friends. Then doing the little head-shaking “mm hmm” movement” Yellow judges “And all she did was shop”. Jorja reveals that her boss has closets full of clothes she never wears, which is good for her, indicating the slovenly slop she’s wearing. Good move, Boss. I wouldn’t wear ‘Ho Hobo Haute Couture either. Because Abby’s not too swift on the uptake, she wants clarification “So you wear her clothes?” Jorja gives her a “duh, of course” face and asks “You don’t?” Abby shakes her head and says “no”, so Jorja delves deeper “You fool around with her husband?”, and Abby says a little more declaratively, “No”. Yellow’s all sympathetic, “He’s ugly?” Ooh, you better watch it with floating that word anywhere near a conversation about The Pretty, skank. Abby rightfully protests, “No … oh no …”, then looking down and sort of chuckling and blushing at the same time, she grins and makes it clear that, “He’s hot”. Hee. And that is sooooo a massive understatement, Abby … Bitch … Smiling to herself, Abby continues “He’s a doctor”. Jorja’s worked for doctors and explains that they wanted the kid safe so they let her drive the Lexus, and they went away a lot so she could always use their apartment. Still snacking, Abby sits back, raises her eyebrows and knowingly states “Which they didn’t know about”. Jorja replies laughing, “Of course not”, Abby smiles and chuckles sarcastically, shrugging her shoulders and repeating drolly, “Of course not”, before looking away with a sardonic grin. Hee. I love that they’re letting Maura Tierney be funny after all the uber angst of the first couple of episodes.

Pratt is stapling up Leatherface’s head, telling him that the staples need to come out in seven days. Leatherface thinks he could probably take them out himself, but Pratt tells him that he needs to come in for a wound check. Leatherface wants to know if there’s any chance he can be with Crush. As Sam moves his gurney, she tells him that she doesn’t think so, but they can get an update on his condition. Neela comes in and tells Pratt that the CT’s back on Shrapnel and he’s got a breakthrough splenic lac. Pratt tells her to consent him for Surgery and he’s all hers. Neela apologizes and says that Moby wants her to observe Shrapnel down there for a while. Pratt bitches that she just told him that Shrapnel tore his spleen, but Neela says that there’s no free blood and stable crits. Pratt argues, and Neela tells him that the OR is full and they can’t take him right now anyway. Pratt comes back at her that they can’t keep him down there because they’re getting slammed and he’s tying up a Trauma Room. He suggests putting Shrapnel in ICU, but Neela replies that Moby said they can’t use up their last bed in ICU. Pratt doesn’t think that’s Moby’s call. Neela looks at him and smiles, asking “What do you want me to do?” Pratt tells her he wants her to get rid of him. Moby? Yeah, me too, Neela. Maybe I can let you borrow Meredith after she finishes the “jobs” I have for her. Neela responds that if Shrapnel’s crits stable for six hours he can go to Telemetry. Phoebe comes in and tells them that Shrapnel’s grenade … I mean, “girlfriend” … is there. Pratt says that he has to go find Uncle Mortuary before he kills somebody. He tells her that when he gets back, Shrapnel better not be there.

Uncle Downtime is reclining with his feet up on the desk in the hall, talking into some kind of a microphone thingy. Pratt comes up and asks him what he’s been doing, but Uncle Dismissive holds up his index finger with a “wait a sec” gesture while he finishes what he was saying. Pratt asks what that is and Uncle Explanation tells him that he’s dictating his notes. Pratt wants to know if he’s kidding and says there’s no time to send the notes to a transcription service and he needs Uncle Decipher to fill out his charts now. Standing up and moving down the hall, Uncle Organized says that he finds it so inefficient to write things down. Pratt tells him that’s how they all do it and Uncle Individualist better figure it out. Remembering what he wanted to bitch about originally, Pratt asks what Uncle Slice and Dice was doing with a rib spreader. Uncle Innovative tells him that one of the explosion victims came in with metal wrapped around his leg and he used the rib spreader to get the metal off and it seemed safer than using a blowtorch. Pratt grabs his arm to stop him walking, and Uncle Evasive pulls his arm away with a total “don’t be touching me” move. Uncle Smugness is smiling and nodding all condescendingly as Pratt tells him that he gets it, Uncle Fonzie is the cool guy, the paramedic who became a doctor and all the Residents are eating up his “war stories and tales from the streets”. Uncle False Modesty says that he doesn’t tell “war stories”. Pratt comes down on him that this is the ER and there’s a curriculum for shaping young doctors, even him. Uncle Arrogance asks if that’s what this is about, that Pratt feels the need to “shape” him and why doesn’t he just “teach” him, because Uncle Geometry likes the shape he’s in. Really, Uncle Self-Love? I’d have thought that swelling of your head has made it quite misshapen and could use some deflating. Pratt thinks you can’t teach somebody who thinks they know everything. Isn’t that almost exactly what they said about you when you were an Intern, Pratt? Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it? Uncle Unaware doesn’t know what he’s talking about and Pratt explains how Uncle Independence was running around unsupervised “putting in central lines”. Uncle Protest argues that Pratt was busy in a double trauma and Uncle Hero saved some woman’s life and a guy’s foot. Pratt questions what would have happened if Uncle Terrific had messed up on either one. Uncle Ignorance doesn’t know, and Pratt explains that it would have been his ass on the line. Pratt asks if they’re going to have to go through this “every damn shift”, and Uncle Nonchalant answers “I don’t know … You gonna ride my ass every shift”. Ewww … Thanks for the image, Uncle Rump Ranger. Yuck. Uncle Superhuman thinks Pratt is missing the point, because Uncle Omnipotent didn’t screw up. Pratt tells him that’s not the point, and that’s Uncle Disobedience’s problem. A woman in a labcoat who looks a lot like a Lt. Saavik type Vulcan from the Star Trek movies comes up to them and asks who’s got the urisepsis case. Uncle Rico Suave introduces himself and adds “at your service”. Lt. Saavik bitchily questions that the patient’s still on dopa, and Uncle Lofty says that she’s holding her pressure “like a champ”. Of course Lt. Saavik is all pacified by Uncle Impressive, and compliments him “nice work” on the early goal-directed therapy. Then all weirdly flirty, Lt. Saavik tells Uncle Flawless that she’s loves the dictation and she can never read anyone’s writing down there. As they walk, Uncle Information fills her in that he’s using Bluetooth and shows her that you speak into it and it prints up instantly at the desk, as Pratt trails behind. Lt. Saavik likes it and thinks the ER needed an Attending with some initiative. Pratt corrects her that he’s the Attending and Uncle Perfect is an Intern. Uncle Kiss Ass tells her that the Bluetooth was Pratt’s idea, as she walks away. Pratt tells Uncle Brown Nose that he wants to see the rest of his charts, now. As he walks off, Uncle Triumph gloats “I’ll bet you do”. Ugh. Coming over to Admit, Pratt asks Usher if they still put people’s names on hats and stuff in the Gift Shop. Usher thinks so, and tells Pratt that if he wants to write his name in his underwear or something, a Sharpie works just as well. Hee. Pratt says he needs to get a gift for somebody as he spots Morris coming in with Standard, in a neck brace, on a gurney. Pratt asks Morris what happened to him, and Morris, with a black eye, says that he was attacked by Ninjas. More like Ninja Turtles … the Teenage Mutant type. Morris says that Standard’s got a blunt head trauma with LOC, breathing on his own, normal vitals, and asks Pratt what’s open. Pratt wants Morris to explain, but Morris says there’s nothing to talk about – Standard came after him, he defended himself, now he’s patching him up. Pratt asks why Standard came at him and Morris asks him if he’s ever been to a kids’ soccer game and that the parents are crazy. You think the parents are crazy at soccer games, Morris, you should see them at PTA meetings. Talk about bloodbaths …

Leatherface is explaining to an upset couple that he would never do anything to hurt his grandson. Upset Mom wants to know what Leatherface was thinking, because Crush is only five years old, and shouldn’t be anywhere near a chainsaw. Pratt comes in as Leatherface protests that he wasn’t but Upset Mom wants to know why Crush is in Surgery then. Pratt introduces himself. Upset Mom bitches that they only leave their son with family, and this is how they are rewarded. Well, if you don’t mind someone raiding your closets and airing your dirty laundry to strangers, Upset Mom, I’m sure Abby can get you the names of some potential babysitters. Pratt tells them that everything is being done for Crush and says he’ll have a nurse take them up so they can be with him when he gets out of Surgery. They start to leave, and Leatherface pleads to Upset Dad that he’s sorry. Upset Dad says he knows, and follows his wife out. Pratt checks Leatherface’s head wound, and Leatherface explains that he raised his two boys by himself and it wasn’t easy being a single dad and he doesn’t think he was any good at it. He thought he could make up for it by being a terrific grandfather. Oh yeah, my dad so tries that trick, too, Leatherface. Doesn’t work though, because it’s obvious you all are just old people trying to get into Heaven. Leatherface thinks he’s blown that also. Pratt’s about to give words of comfort and encouragement, but Sam comes in and asks if he has a sec.

Out in the hall, Sam tells Pratt that the police are here for Morris in connection with an assault, and that there are two moms with the cops saying that Morris is a child molester. Pratt’s all “what?”, as Sam points over to the Curtain Area where Officer Former Buzz Cut, the Cop du Jour these days, is talking with Meredith, who is in a bed, with Tangerine Mom and Tangerine standing next to her. Sam’s got a feeling that the “white mom” has a boxer’s fracture. Pratt asks what Morris’ problem is and Sam says “brain damage is the first thing that comes to mind”. Hee. And you would know all about that, Sam, considering the monosyllabic communication skills and faraway gaze of your own offspring. Sam walks off and Pratt starts to head over to Meredith’s bed when Phoebe comes running up to tell him that Shrapnel losing his airway. That’s probably something you’d want to keep better track of, Shrapnel.

A Nondescript Nurse hustles Grenade out of the room as Neela ask Pratt why he didn’t intubate prophylactically, but Pratt says he didn’t seem like he had respiratory issues. And boy, this side view is showing that Haleh is really packing on the pounds again. Neela tells Phoebe to page Moby and Pratt tells her to get someone from ENT down there. Pratt calls for a smaller tube, but Neela thinks it’s too late and he might need an open trach. Haleh tells Pratt that the heart rate is dropping as Grenade comes back in, crying that Shrapnel was just talking to her. Pratt can’t get the smaller tube to pass, and Neela again says that Shrapnel needs a trach. Phoebe says that ENT is doing a radical neck dissection and nobody can come down right now. Neela says this guy needs an airway and Pratt asks if she’s sure she can do it. Pratt tells her she better know so and asks how many she’s done, and she says that she’s assisted on several. That’s right –Dubenko talked her through putting in the trach for ALS patient Nate, Abby’s favorite med school professor, aka James Woods, in Body & Soul last season. Pratt’s conflicted, but realizes she’s pretty much Shrapnel’s only shot, so he says “Alright, OR Girl. Please do not make me regret this”. Neela tells Phoebe to get betadine and sterile sixes. Pratt tells Haleh to take Grenade to the Family Room. Neela starts to do the procedure as Pratt shakes his head, apprehensive.

Moby bursts in bitching that he thought there would be a reasonable explanation for their incessant paging, “But you know what? This is not it”. Neela tells him that she had to do a trach as she finishes sewing up. Moby wants to know who told her to do it because he sure didn’t. Neela replies that nobody did and that her Chief didn’t answer his pages. Moby asks her if she did it without any supervision and not looking at him, says that Dr. Pratt was there. Moby thinks that is so great, but unfortunately, her little “ER forest friends don’t count anymore” as he bodily moves Phoebe out of his way. Ugh. I can take arrogant asshole surgeons when they can at least bring the funny … like Romano. But Moby’s such a dick … Maybe Luka has some of the Shark Repellent Bat Spray hanging around in the bat cave … I’m sure it’s applicable to all outrageously obnoxious offensive oceanic organisms. You know what your problem is, Moby? Just like Dave Nelson, you are like one of those diseased fish at the pet store that has to be kept in its own little separate tank all by itself … The only problem is you’re still with the other fish … Moby wants to know if Neela wants to be a surgeon, a “big girl” doctor, then bitches at her that this isn’t “Barbie’s Dream Doll Hospital” that she’s playing in. They have that? Oh, man … that sucks. I was stuck playing with talking Crack ‘Ho Barbie and Pimp Daddy Ken. But at least they came complete with bitchslappin’ action, pimp mobile, and said stuff like “Me love you long time” and “Who’s your daddy now, bitch” … Good times … Pratt says that he’s an ER Attending and Neela was just following his orders. Moby snarks “Oh, hello. Dr. Pratt, is it? I’m sorry … I took your silence for subservience” as they move Shrapnel out of Trauma Green. Moby tells Pratt disdainfully that not a lot of ER attendings have the skills to do a trach and adds bitchily “Very impressive, Dr. Pratt”, as Pratt raising his hand with a “what can I say” kind of fake modesty. Pratt tells him to “take care of my girl here and we’ll call it even”. Moby, with his scrub pants hitched up really high because there’s nothing there to impede their progress, doesn’t think Pratt needs to worry about that because “Dr. Rasgotra” gets plenty of his attention as Neela smirks at him. Moby tells them that he thinks he can handle it from here and says why don’t you “girls” finish up down here because he thinks they’ve done more than enough. Neela and Pratt smirk at each other as Pratt jokes that they’re so lucky because Moby seems like such a great guy, and Phoebe laughs “yeah, right”. Neela says she’s going to find Grenade and tell her what’s happening, as she and Phoebe walk off.

Smiling, Pratt calls after Neela to tell her that she “did good” and she thanks him before continuing off, as Luka bounds down the steps behind Pratt, hands in his pockets. Luka thinks it must be quiet if Pratt has time to stand around. Pratt asks Luka how Crush is, and Luka says that it looks like he’s going to pull through and asks about Leatherface. Pratt says he’s a little worried, but he’ll be okay. Luka asks “You make out okay down here?”, and adds that he heard Pratt had two more traumas come in. Pratt boasts that it was nothing he couldn’t deal with. Luka grins and says “Well, if it’s that quiet, maybe I’ll leave a little early tonight. Abby could probably use some help with the baby”. Awww. How sweet is he? And even though Abby’s not in this scene, it has to be said … Bitch. Pratt tells him to go for it. Luka asks he’s sure and Pratt assures him that he’s all over it and “this place practically runs itself”. Luka grins and starts to walk away, when Sam comes up, grabs at his arm and asks if one of them could take a look at a suspected hand fracture. Luka comes back over and asked who ordered the films and Sam answers that she did. Luka and Pratt just stare at her, and she looks between them, whining “Everybody was busy”. Pratt takes the x-ray and walks away. Luka leans over towards Sam and concerned, asks quietly if she found Splinter. Sam bitches that Splinter was shedding leaves with the other trees in the forest… I mean, ditching school with a friend at the mall. Same difference. Luka empathizes with her … and who ever knew sympathy could be so sexy? Sigh. He tells her that “I guess I have all that to look forward to, huh?”, as she playfully hits his arm, laughing and saying “Yup”. And what did I tell you about the touching, Sam? Hands off, ‘Ho! … Don’t make me sic Meredith … or Pimp Daddy Ken … on you, Sam.

Phoebe’s all impressed with Neela and telling her that she saved Shrapnel’s life. Neela said it was terrifying and Phoebe, getting in touch with her inner surfer, tells her, “Dude, you rocked”. Phoebe asks if Neela saw the look on Moby’s face and Neela asks if she means the one that suggested he’s going to punish her for the rest of her natural life. Phoebe tells Neela “You spanked him”. Oh, Neela … I know it’s been a while since you’ve gotten any, but … Moby? Ewww … Phoebe thinks deep down … where he’s soft … like a woman … Moby probably likes it. They exchange a look and Phoebe says “seriously”, then continues that it’s always those Type A guys that are so wound up that they go home and put on a diaper, or want to be led around by a leash. Oh, for the love of God … And thanks so much for that image, Phoebe … Ugh … They both are laughing as Ray comes up to them, wanting to talk to Neela. He introduces himself to Phoebe. Ray tells Neela that he’s still getting some of her mail, and she apologizes, saying that she had tried to change everything over. Ray says sincerely, with a bit of a lovesick puppy look, that he doesn’t mind, but he thought she’d need some of them. He smiles at her, but Neela’s not really paying attention to him, so he excuses himself, telling Phoebe it was nice meeting her, then walking off. Neela goes through her mail and Phoebe asks her “You two lived together?” Neela explains that they were roommates and Phoebe hopes she had “benefits”. Neela says that it wasn’t like that, they were just friends. Phoebe wants to know why because she thinks Ray is “smoking hot”. And I think you must have been smoking something, too, Phoebe, to say something like that. Neela looks up and grins with an expression like she’s thinking what I am: “Are you talking about Ray?” Phoebe wants to know if he has a girlfriend. I’m surprised she’s not enquiring about Ray’s dining habits. Skank. Still looking at her mail, Neela distractedly says “Not that I know of”. Her expression changes as she sees something in the pile of letters, and tells Phoebe that she just remembered something and will catch up with her later.

Neela goes into the drug lock-up and opens one of the letters. It’s a $12,000 check from the government to pay for Plank’s wood chipping. Neela takes in that’s it’s her husband’s death benefit disbursement, then looks off, sighing heavily.

Officer Former Buzz Cut is talking to petulant Morris, who is sitting slumped on a bed in an Exam Room. Officer FBC tells him that witnesses confirmed that Standard started it and that Morris just pushed him away. Morris says that he told him that, as the camera shows Tangerine Boy looking through door window. Officer FBC tells him that it doesn’t explain Morris touching the kid. Morris protests that he wasn’t touching him and explains that his relationship to Tangerine is complicated and leans in saying “It’s sort of a secret”. Yeah, that’s going to go over real well in a child molestation investigation. Moron. Officer FBC shoots him a look as he writes something down on his pad. Morris realizes what that sounded like and tries to correct it.

Pratt’s looking at Meredith’s x-ray and tells her that her hand isn’t broken, just sprained. Meredith thinks it would have been worth a fracture if she had “knocked out that freaky little leprechaun’s teeth”. Hee. Tangerine wants to know what’s going to happen to Morris. Tangerine Mom explains that Morris is going to jail. Pratt asks Tangerine what he thinks about that. Tangerine looks over to see Officer FBC leading Morris away and he yells for them to wait, saying “Don’t arrest my dad”. Meredith asks “What did he say???” Tangerine Mom wants to know what’s going on. Pratt quickly makes his getaway before the fireworks start and wishes Morris good luck. Tangerine addresses one then the other “Mom … Mom … This is my dad. Dr. Archie Morris”. Morris waves to them and says “What’s up?” as Meredith’s and Tangerine Mom’s jaws hit the floor in surprise.

Pratt asks Usher if he got “it”. Usher gives him a box and says he didn’t get a chance to wrap it, but Pratt doesn’t care. Pratt’s grinning from ear to ear as Uncle Heartthrob walks by. Pratt hands him the box and tells him that he has a present for him. Uncle Suspicious wants to know what it’s for and Pratt tells him it’s so people know who he is. Uncle Thankful sees that it’s a labcoat and touched, is all “Hey, you didn’t have to do this”, as he takes off the one he is wearing to put the new one on, while Pratt just grins and says “yeah, I did”. Uncle Ungrateful puts it on and noticing that there’s some material missing says pissily “What the hell is this?” Pratt tells him that students wear short coats and it helps remind everyone, including him, that they are still learning. Uncle Indignant wants to know if Pratt feels better now, and with a toothy grin, Pratt replies “I feel great”.

Close-up of a baby monitor on a side table next to Luka’s black leather couch in the bat cave, along with a baby toy ring of beads thing, a couple of cloth books and a glove, in pastel green of course, with animal puppets for the fingers. We can hear a fussing MoJo as the camera pulls back to show Abby straightening up the apartment, and listening. Luka certainly has a lot of knick knacks around, which are visible behind Abby. Some small framed pictures, another vase of dried flowers, some more phallic symbols, and … wait a minute … Do I see a snowglobe? What is it with these two and their snowglobes? Besides being their Christmas gift of choice to each other, like Luka giving Abby the deer one that played “Greensleeves” as her Secret Santa gift in Hindsight, then Abby giving him the Jumbo Mart plastic Chicago skyline last year, the water domes always seem to be lurking in the background in their apartments, too. That’s why I asked the Executive Producer, David Zabel, what the significance of them was in the online blog he had after the Season Premiere. And apparently, since he actually chose to answer that question, as well as the one I asked about how far in advance they plan their storyline arcs (evidently, at least a year), and since he actually started the whole thing when he wrote Hindsight, snowglobes really are a significant thing between these two characters, and not just the ER prop guys having some fun. Abby tosses some stuffed animals, including what looks like yet another frog, into MoJo’s Pack n’ Play as Luka comes in the door and says “hey”. She says “hi” back and sits down on the couch. Taking off his suit jacket so that I can sneak a peek at his pecs … Thanks, Luka … he asks Abby how long MoJo’s been crying. She says about ten minutes. I guess MoJo’s at the age where they’re starting to try to see if he’ll be able to calm himself down to go back to sleep. Abby thinks he’s settle down. And since we only hear MoJo through the monitor and not live in stereo coming from the bedroom, I guess the apartment’s not as small as you thought and it’s a good thing Abby had the baby monitor on her shopping list after all, huh, Luka? Abby asks Luka how his shift was and he replies “Ah, the usual”. He then starts to tell her about Crush, but Abby stops him because she really doesn’t want to hear any stories about bad things happening to children. Luka holds up his hands in a placating gesture and assures her that Crush survived. Luka plops down on the sofa next to her, and they both lean their heads back tiredly. With his eyes closed, Luka asks about her day. Turning towards him and smiling, Abby rolls her eyes mock heavenly and says facetiously, “It was divine”. Luka chuckles a little and rests his left hand on her right thigh. Bitch. He tells her that he’s been thinking, and that maybe she’s right, maybe they should get somebody like a nanny, and before he even completely gets the words out, Abby jumps in quickly “No thanks”. Hee. Suppose you won’t be needing the Help Wanted ad I placed for you now after all, will you, Abby? Luka’s cutely confused and starts “But I thought you wanted …” as she cuts in again “I changed my mind”. And I am so with you on keeping the naughty nympho nannies nowhere near The Pretty, Abby. MoJo fusses a little louder, as Abby looks over at the monitor, then back at Luka as he sighs. Abby says “No nannies”, moves closer to Luka, takes his right hand from her leg with her right hand, and wraps it around her shoulder as she leans into him. She smiles as she looks at him and says “Just us”, then still holding his hand, she leans in and kisses him for a long moment. Awww … They’re sweet … Bitch. And Luka’s actually wearing cufflinks. Whoever thought ornamental button-type man jewelry could be so appealing? Note to self: Christmas shopping at Tiffany’s for adornments for husband’s suit … Other note to self: Buy husband a suit … and some Croatian language lessons … and a snowglobe … She leans back a little, looking down, as they both listen to MoJo’s wailing. Luka says that it doesn’t sound like he’s settling down, and Abby nods her head in agreement, then grinning, looks up at him hopefully and pointedly. He smiles and chuckles, getting that there’s no way in hell she’s getting up off that couch, as she smiles at him. Hee. He tells her “I’ll get him” as she moves his arm back over her head and still smiling, he looks up at the ceiling and sighs, like “gee, thanks, this is the first time I’ve sat down all day, too”. Hee. He gets up and heads up to MoJo as Abby stays resting on the couch, listening to the monitor. After a little bit, we hear Luka talking to MoJo and asking him “What’s all that crying?” Abby looks over at the monitor as she listens to him. She gets a slight quizzical look when Luka starts quietly singing “Should I stay or should I go now?”, as I thank God that London Called, and that Abby has obviously broadened his musical horizons and moved him out of Easy Listening and into Brit Punk. You Rock the Casbah, Luka. And considering you’re getting MoJo all into The Clash, Abby, did you go with Strummer as his middle name, too? Abby smiles and laughs affectionately at how adorable it is as she listens to Luka getting into the song, but charmingly messing up the lyrics singing “If I stay it will be trouble … If I go it will be double…” Hee … Cute scene.

Uncle Studious is sitting at a desk, burning the midnight oil, but gets sick of it and tosses the book on the floor as Trixie comes over, carrying a pile of laundry that she drops on the chair next to him and says “That good, huh?” and he moves over to the stereo. He thinks that maybe he should have stayed a paramedic, but she thinks that doctors are sexier. And if I thought you were speaking of the Supremely Splendid Sexy Slav, I’d be so with you, Trixie, but considering the lustful looks you’re lobbing at Uncle Loathsome there, I’m thinking you’re either really hard up or you’ve been lobotomized. Trixie, holding a glass of some amber-colored liquid, asks Uncle Mistreated if he’s had a bad day and he tells her that one of the Attendings has it out for him. Then because it’s just so inconceivable and he can’t imagine that anyone could possibly not be, Uncle Legend in His Own Mind says “either that or he’s in love with me … I can’t tell which”. Trixie sits down on the pulled out sofa-bed. This attic-y Greg Brady-esque bachelor pad must be Uncle Groovy’s bedroom. Uncle Interested asks how her “temp gig” went, and she woe-is-me’s that it was the “same thing, different people” and that “nobody really knows you … nobody really talks to you”. She says sadly that it’s like being “the office ghost”. Oh, I thought that was Slimer? She asks Uncle Teetotaler if he wants a drink, but he doesn’t and says that he has to study. We hear Deej say loudly “Knock knock” and asks Uncle Tighty Whitey if he’s decent, and he answers so appropriately “I’m in my thong”. Deej comes up and asks “Guess what?” as Trixie bitches “I take it your homework’s done”, either because she’s still pissed about the clothes thing or she’s now pissed because Deej interrupted her seeing for herself if Uncle Thong was telling the truth. Deej tells her that it is and that she left some stuff that she has to sign for school on the table. None to happy, Trixie leaves, telling Uncle Leftover that there’s lasagna in the fridge if he gets hungry later. Deej tells Uncle I Told You So that he was right about “Adam Horner” and that she ignored him all day and tonight he Instant Messaged her. Uncle Teasing is all “horn dog” comes through, as she hits him and corrects “It’s Horner” and he complains that he bruises easy. Deej asks Uncle Resuscitate if he saved anyone today and he tells her that he separated Siamese twins. Deej thinks it must be gross to see all that blood but Uncle Dracula thinks he saw more blood as a paramedic, but because he’s half vampire and half stuck in the 70’s, he kind of “digs it”. Deej wants to know if Uncle Tutee wants her to help him study, but he wants her to work things out with Trixie. She says that she’d rather shave her head and Uncle Five O’clock Shadow tells her that he has a razor in the bathroom. Really, Uncle Bristly? Must still be new in the package. Starting to drag her towards the bathroom, Uncle Cherokee thinks they can shave her hair into a nice little Mohawk. Deej relents and says she’ll talk to her. As she goes to leave, Uncle Affectionate kisses her head and tells her “goodnight, baby girl”. She leaves and Uncle Blasé, holding a beer, sits on the bed, turns on a tape of a medical lecture about abdominal pain in an elderly patient and puts his head in his hand, already bored.

Pratt’s congratulating himself as he reviews the board, saying that there are no pass-ons, there was no tragedy, and no death. He asks Usher if Uncle Exit is still there, but Usher says that he just missed him, and Pratt wants to see his charts. Usher of course thinks Uncle Stupendous is a good doctor, but Pratt thinks there is plenty of room for improvement as we see Morris walk behind him. Busy tells him that she heard that some guy attacked him and wants to know if he’s okay, and he tells her that he “turned the other cheek” then adds “You know what Jesus said …” When Busy doesn’t chime in, Morris tries to think of something as Pratt watches this. Morris stumbles about “you know … those guys … who … trespassed against him” as Busy watches, earnestly waiting for some word of the Lord. Morris scratches his head and quickly says “like those who trespass against us” then turning to Pratt and Usher asks “Can I get an Amen?” Usher plays along, but Pratt just chuckles. Busy says “Amen”. She tells him that she has a patient waiting, then adds “Good night, Dr. Morris … God bless you”. Morris answers as she walks away “God bless all of us”, then watches her for a second before turning to Pratt and asking if he wants to get a bite to eat with Tangerine and his “moms”. Pratt asks if they worked everything out and Morris says they did and continues boasting that if everything goes well at Ike’s they might really work things out tonight, “You know what I’m saying?” Pratt asks him if he know they’re a couple and Morris answers “Yeah … a couple of lesbians”, and he thinks they are in desperate need of a “Morris sandwich”. Would that be a baloney, turkey, chicken, or just plain cheese sandwich, Morris? Pratt asks Morris “You know you’re sick, right?”, but Morris doesn’t get it. Pratt starts to leave saying “Goodnight, Archie”.

As he passes through the Curtain Area, Busy asks if he can help her with a two-layer closure. Pratt protests that he’s off shift and that Weaver will be there any minute. He keeps walking, then stops, and like he’s realizing that he’s an Attending now and like Luka told him, if the Residents fail, it may be his fault for not really teaching them. He turns back and begins to really talk Busy step by step through the procedure, encouraging her every step along the way. Nice scene. It’s been really great to see Pratt’s character growth. I hope they continue it.


At 3:29 AM, November 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Cranky, so glad you're back, and I hope you're feeling better.
This recap was awesome! Loved the newsradio quote. (happens to be my favorite Lisa line ever!)
Loved all the Uncle Jesse nick names.
Cant wait to see what you do with "Ames V. Kovac". Im sure you have a reason for why Abby was wearings pretty little silver earings in only two of her scenes. . .

At 5:55 AM, November 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

took me 3hrs to read your recap ... couldn't catch my breath, barking and giggling.
guess it will take me some time to stop laughing (my abs aches and my vision' all blurry with tears).
just loved the whole thing!!
looks like your special treatment in the hair salon with Shampoo Boy did wonders.

it's good to have you back all witty and cranky!!

thanks a billion for an amazing recap!!

At 7:14 AM, November 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

absolutely awesome, cranky as we all like it and everything (well almost) I needed to start this Saturday!!

Cranky, hope you don't mind that I "stole" some of your references ... just couldn't resist the urge to share it with others!

Now that you seem be back on your feet let us have some fun with Shampoo Boy and give us his page number. we too need some special care and attention!

At 12:22 PM, November 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well if you're looking for a French teacher I remember Luka speaking (though not very fluently).
how come you don't know that ???
what have you two been doing the past 2 weeks ???
glad to have you back!
that was just perfect!!

At 1:43 PM, November 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yay! You posted. Glad that your doctor has allowed you to get out of bed already :)
Amazing recap as always and so happy that you also noticed Abby's shoes. You are really the mistress of details :)

At 5:32 PM, November 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been SO waiting for this recap!! Wondered if you would have noticed the snarky shoes on Maura AND the brightened atmosphere in the Bat Cave. Not disappointed in either account. Glad to see that your time in the hair salon has only served to sharpen your wit and enhanced your humor! Keep plugging, Cranky! You definitely brighten my weekends.

At 5:44 PM, November 04, 2006, Anonymous josie said...

As ever, another pure dead brilliant recap. I counted over a hundred different "Uncles". Really, does the show need any of the remaining cast now that the Ego has landed?

At 10:09 PM, November 04, 2006, Blogger Reina Borg said...

Glad you are back Cranky. I miss you. I think many of us did.
Great recap us allways.
Thank you.

At 8:09 PM, November 05, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Must make for a fun time when they take a break from the Salon and the Hairdresser and Shampoo Boy game to don the helmet lamps and ropes to play Spelunker and her Cave Explorer." Hilarious! Thanks for another great recap!

At 1:54 AM, November 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Cranky,

I was waiting for this recap so long, you are incredible and the details were awesome. I liked especially the recaps about those bitches at the Mommy and Baby Class and with the nannies.

You're the best my friend, the Treatment of the Pretty is doing great on you. Could you give me his number, I really need that treatment too...

I can't wait for Ames vs Kovac recap.

Thanks again!!!

Lima, Peru, Southamerica

At 6:37 AM, November 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolutely wonderful! Thanks so much for the new recap, I was so looking forward to it and it was fantastic, as usual. I loved all the Uncle Jessie nicks, you crack me up girl, you are the best! Can't wait to see what you are gonna do with "Ames vs Kovac".

At 4:38 PM, November 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your Recap is Absolutely fabulous and I'm glad you're feeling better and that your doctor is taking very good care of you.

thanks a billion!

At 7:47 PM, November 06, 2006, Anonymous kittythegolfer said...

Thanks for the "Believe it or not, George isn't at home" Seinfeld reference. I remember just busting up when I first heard that; I busted up again. :-)


At 10:58 AM, November 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a real work of art!!
what did Shampoo Boy used for your treatment, it seems to have a magical effect!
got only one wish on my Xmas list and it's to get Luka' pager ...
wanna help me ?

At 4:15 AM, December 08, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm French and sometimes I don't get everything that is said on screen (aren't actors supposed to articulate??)so I personnaly use your recaps as a "Foreigner guide to US medical shows"
merci, merci!


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