ER 13.9 Scoop and Run
Previously on ER: Weaver is telling Courtney, the TV Producer chick with the Tina Turner hair that “a glass of wine and a hot bath at the end of the day help” and Tina, all down with the Weaver love flirtingly answers “Sounds good to me”; Pratt opens up his bathroom door to find his little brother Chaz with his arms around a mostly naked guy, dressed only in towels and playing Turkish steam bath; Neela is reminding Intern Tony Gates, played by John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, aka McEgo for the enormity of his real-life self-love, that he lives with someone; a teary Meg, aka Paula Malcolmson who plays Trixie the Whore on Deadwood tells McEgo “We love you” and he responds that he “can’t do this anymore”; Neela then has to remind McEgo that there’s a little girl involved; Curtis Ames, aka Forest Whitaker, who played Charlie Parker in Bird is sitting in Jumbo Mart, watching Luka, Abby and their son, Baby Mongo Joe Kovac, aka MoJo, across the street; Luka tells a policeman, who used to have a severe buzz cut but is now sporting a little hair so is known by me as Officer Former Buzz Cut, that Bird used to be a patient of his and that he followed Luka’s “wife”, as he mistakenly though obviously wishing it were true called Abby, and child to the park; Luka implores Officer Former Buzz Cut, “Help me protect my family”.
In Trauma Yellow with a patient in a neck brace on the table, Sam tells Abby that her mom “used to put it in a trash bag with chicken broth and a can of Crisco”. Put what, Sam? Your hair? ‘Cause it’s looking pretty Kentucky Fried these days … Abby says “Yikes” because as part owner of the Hair Salon where she and Luka act as Hairdresser and Shampoo Boy … Bitch … she knows just how bad that is for the follicles. McEgo says to throw it on the barbeque and “you’ll never go back”. Oh, is that what the problem is, McEgo? And here I thought that you just don’t own a razor … I didn’t realize the beard stubble was actually charcoal ashes from the barbie … As Abby examines Neck Guy’s eyes, she says that she heard that brining keeps the juices in. Alright, Abby, even though your hair’s been looking pretty good lately, I’m thinking you just might need a refresher course at the beauty academy because, really, salt water just does nasty things to the hair. Luka walks in and puts an x-ray up to view. Abby turns to him and asks “Hey, did you remember to take the giblets out of the marinade?” As much as I’m all over Luka’s giblets and want to hear about their marinading, I’m thinking that’s a pretty personal question to be asking in a trauma, Abby, especially in front of Luka’s ex-girlfriend. Luka can’t believe she’s bringing that up at work either, because he turns around and asks “Take ‘what’ out of ‘what’???” He tells her that Neck Guy’s c-spine is clear. Abby says to him “Well, we should at least try to pull off the gravy”. Now you want to pull the gravy off his giblets, Abby? You really didn’t learn anything about appropriate workplace behavior at that all-day sexual harassment seminar you and the rest of the Breakfast Club were made to attend in Secrets and Lies, did you? Abby tells Neck Guy that she’s going to take his collar brace off and for him to let them know if anything hurts. As they roll him to get him off the back board, Neck Guy imparts the wisdom that “deep fried turkey is a religious experience”. Sam thinks that’s “gross” and he asks “You’d rather cook it in a trash bag?” Your mom cooked it in the trash bag, too, Sam? Wouldn’t the plastic melt? Or is that part of the flavor she was going for? I guess freshly melted plastic was complemented by the Crisco and chicken broth so that
Through the Trauma Room doors Abby spots Jane, aka Sara Gilbert, aka Darlene from Roseanne, in the hallway and rushes to catch up, as Luka watches her scurry out. Abby calls after her and Darlene turns around. Abby asks her if she’s supposed to carry the Transport Pager overnight. Darlene says she is. Abby tells her that it just went off, and says hopefully, “I was thinking maybe you could just … take it” and holds it out to her. Darlene checks her watch, makes an “mmm” sort of considering noise, then says “no” and starts to walk away. Abby’s not accepting that and follows her. Abby asks her why not, and says that in five more minutes it would have been Darlene’s call anyway. Still walking, Darlene shakes her head and tells Abby that it doesn’t really work that way. Abby wants to know “What ‘way’?” Darlene says that if the pager goes off during your shift then you have to go. Abby protests “Yeah, but I just want to spend Thanksgiving with my kid”. Considering MoJo’s only about six months old and most likely only has like one tooth, so therefore really can’t partake in the traditional binge eating that accompanies this food-related holiday, and the fact that he’s probably still recovering from Croatian Independence Day, I’m thinking that’s not a very good argument, Abby. And though I do think it’s sweet that you want to spend MoJo’s first Thanksgiving with him, I’m sure it’s just an excuse so you can go marinade Luka’s giblets … Bitch … Darlene goes into how this is like the story of the guy who’s hunting dinosaurs and he strays off the path and steps on a butterfly … Ooh, I know that one – Ray Bradbury’s short story A Sound of Thunder. Great story, made into a horrible movie. Any film that casts Ed Burns as the romantic lead is just assured of being such a huge hit at the box office. Darlene goes on how when he does that, everything in the future is ever so slightly different, as Abby scowls because she doesn’t get it and questions “What?” Hee … Guess you were soooo paying attention, Abby, when Carter was trying to explain chaos theory to you in … uh, Chaos Theory. Not that I blame you. For one thing, you’d just spent two weeks locked up with him, which had to have fried some brain cells, and then there was the loud gurney sex and back-tattoo slurping, which probably fried the rest of them, as well as destroyed your character, and your hair, for the rest of that season. Ugh. Darlene tells Abby that it’s “bad karma to mess with the universal order of things”. Abby grits her teeth and stares after her as she walks away.
At Admit, Abby spots Ray and asks him if he’ll take the run and she’ll owe him big time. Ray says that he’d “love to” and Abby’s all “great”, until Ray explains that Pratt thinks he’s losing too much ER time and banned him from transports, as Abby pouts, slumps her shoulders and turns away. Luka’s the ER Chief, couldn’t he overrule Pratt, who’s just an Attending? But I guess you don’t want to put Luka into an awkward position … at least not out of the Salon … huh, Abby? … Bitch … Pratt walks up and says “I just like having you near me, Ray”. Oh, no. Please don’t tell me Pratt’s going to swing the way of his brother and we’re going to see him and Ray do the steam bath thing, ‘cause … Ewww … Though even that would be preferable to the McEgo – Neela … Egola … Mildew Fest in the shower a couple of weeks ago … Yuck … Pratt says that he’s working because Morris begged him to switch so that he could “spend time with his kids”. Well, I for one thank you, Pratt, because you are a thousand times more preferable than Morris. Especially after the smackdown he laid down on McEgo last week, I’m still filled with the Pratt love. Standing next to Weaver at the board, Pratt asks why she’s there and she says that Henry went to
After funky opening graphics montage, Abby, in the blue transport jumpsuit and carrying a flight jacket and gloves, is walking towards the elevator with Luka and giving instructions on cooking the turkey, telling him that the "book says three hours at 450 ... and don't forget to baste". He asks her how often, and she frowns, grimacing because she has no idea, then suggests two in thirty minutes. She presses the elevator button and faces him, grinning and saying that she'll probably be home in time to mash the potatoes. He asks "Okay, what do I do with the pumpkin?", and she's all like forehead-slapping "Oh, I forgot about the pie". The elevator dings as Officer Former Buzz Cut interrupts to ask Luka if he's got a minute, and Luka motions to him, saying “just a second” and Abby gets on the elevator. Luka's wearing Luka Blue, but it's got a check pattern on it and I'm not really liking the dotted tie. I also didn't like the shirt and tie combo he had on last week, so I'm thinking if they really don’t want to follow my advice and take a break from the Hair Salon to start playing Dry Cleaner and Steam Press Boy, maybe they can at least play Window Dresser and Mannequin Boy. Or re-enact Project Runway and do Fashion Designer and her Male Model Boy Toy, because unbelievably, considering last year’s Coat of Many Zippers, Abby’s actually been quite stylin’ this season … Bitch ... But I’m guessing since apparently Abby’s been marinating Luka’s giblets, they’ve been doing Top Chef instead, as Head Chef and Bus Boy … Bitch … And if you really do want to do that show, Abby, all I have to say is “I’m not your bitch, Bitch!". Luka leans in, holding the door open. Their faces are real close and he whispers that he thought pumpkins were for Halloween, as she has her hand on her hip, pursing her lips and considering something. She smiles at him flirtingly and says "You know what? Screw the pie. I never really liked pumpkins anyway" and he leans closer and kisses her ... Bitch ... He pulls back and smiling, teases her "You know, you sure you don't just want to order Chinese?" She tells him no, and steps back further in the elevator grinning and saying "But baste". As the door closes, she leans over following it telling him "Remember to baste" ... Hee … They’re very cute ... Bitch …
Luka, who had been leaning to the left, following Abby as the elevator door closed … Bitch … straightens and turns to Officer Former Buzz Cut and says “hey”. They start walking and Officer FBC tells Luka that he went to see Bird yesterday and says that Bird didn’t know anything about any kid’s toy. Luka wants to know if Bird admitted to following Abby and MoJo to the park, and Officer FBC says that Bird didn’t know what he was talking about. Luka’s not pleased with this, walking with his hands on his hips and his lips pressed together grimly. Officer FBC says that Bird’s had a pretty tough time of it and he’s “barely getting by”. Luka says heatedly that he realizes that but it’s “no excuse for messing with my family”. Officer FBC’s opinion is that Bird’s too busy trying to feed and clothe himself to mess with anyone. Luka takes this in, and looks down, saying “Right”. Officer FBC pats Luka on the shoulder and walks away, leaving Luka to ponder prettily.
Abby and a crusty older guy with slicked back hair and wearing a flight jacket are walking down a hallway. Crusty is asking Abby if she gets airsick, and she says “no”. Then he asks if she gets claustrophobic, but Abby’s had enough of the Q&A and looks over at him, saying “Maybe you should just tell me about the patient”. Crusty says she’s an 88 year old female with an anterior MI. He goes on crustily, “I can’t tell you how many docs think they can handle this then freak out at altitude”. Abby thinks that since she works in the ER, it’s pretty hard to freak her out. That is, unless you’re her relative … and bi-polar … Crusty then patronizes “You okay with heights, honey? … Loud noises?” as Abby smirks and answers “Yeah … but mice make me jump on a chair and say ‘Eek’ “. Hee. Me too, Abby, though I’m much more likely to use another word ending in “k” if I see a rodent …
Crusty opens up the helicopter doors and tells the guys inside “Meet Dr. Lockhart” as Abby climbs onboard. She says “hi” as a guy in headphones tells her to sit, then starts buckling her in. He instructs her not to stand, or to disembark until they tell her to. Abby smirks at how these guys don’t seem to trust her to be able to do anything herself. As Headphones puts headphones on Abby, he tells her to keep her headset on at all times. He shows her how to activate the intercom if she needs to speak to them, as Abby sneaks a peek out the window to watch the helicopter taking off. He shows her a button not to press because it transfers over the radio as Abby looks up at this. Crusty just stares at her. The Pilot looks back at Abby, sort of leering, and says “This baby is tight”. Nice, Pilot Guy. Abby’s all “Excuse me?” Pilot Guy explains that it’s the copter’s first time out after two months of upgrades. Oh, yeah, that explains your obvious ogling. He’s all excited because it’s got a satellite phone, GPS, new hoist, all the “cool toys”. Pilot Guy says his name’s Jasper and motions his chin towards the co-pilot, saying his name is Evans. Evans says “hey” and Abby waves. Jasper asks her what her name is and she tells him. Still looking like he’s checking her out, Jasper starts singing real exaggeratedly, “Come fly with me … let’s float down to Peru …” Abby grins at him, then looks away as she unwraps the headphones on her iPod. As much as I’m with you on the wanting to listen to something other than Jackass Jasper’s jerky singing, Abby, he’s really not that bad. Whereas your own piss poor performances of “Silent Night” and “Should I Stay or Should I Go” … and let’s not even go there with your insufferably insipid inharmonious incantation of “Afternoon Delight”, which is still quite a mind-bogglingly bad choice considering the barely bedraggled butterfly sheets with Carter, which I would think was anything but “delight”-ful… you really shouldn’t be judging anyone’s crooning. And I guess you’re not really into Sinatra because you’re used to being serenaded by Manilow with a Croatian accent … Bitch … Jasper keeps going “… In lama land there’s a one man band … and he’ll toot his flute for you”. Crusty’s amused by Jasper’s singing as well, but keeps eyeing Abby, sizing her up. Jasper gazes back at her and lounge lizard’s “Come fly with me … Abby”. She just looks at him, probably because she knows this guy’s just wasting his breath, considering whose giblets she’s got marinating at home … Bitch … As Jasper warbles “Let’s take off in the blue”, Abby drowns him out by putting on her earbuds under the headset, making the much better decision to listen to Ryan Adams “When The Stars Go Blue”. Abby looks out the window as Ryan sings “… Dancin’ out on seventh street …” We see her view, looking down on the city, “Dancin’ through the underground …” The camera angle changes to show us Abby through the copter window, grinning as she watches the scenery “Dancing with a marionette …”. Camera pulls back to follow the helicopter flying through the city “… Are you happy now?”
Lulu is on a bed in the Curtain Area and McEgo is examining her stomach. She tells him that she’s thirsty as Darlene comes up, hair wet and wearing a hideous patterned pastel scrub top, telling Lulu that it’s too bad because she’s NPO. Lulu wants to know what that is and Darlene tells her that she’s “nil per os”, which is Latin for a medical instruction meaning to withhold food and fluids, but Darlene jargons some stuff about what food and fluids can do causing McEgo and Lulu to just stare at her. Lulu apologizes for throwing up on Darlene. Darlene sarcastically says that she doesn’t mind that she had to take a shower to get the chunks out of her hair, but she just doesn’t know how she’s going to survive a whole shift dressed like that. McEgo tells Lulu he’s going to order a few tests and Darlene comments about her attire “I mean bunnies … puppy dogs … I’m like breaking out in hives”. McEgo tells her to let him take it from here and sort of motions her away. He asks Lulu if her parents are on their way and she says they are. He walks away with Darlene and jokingly tells her that he thinks it’s “hip” and “fetish-y” and that she “totally pulls this look off”. That, McEgo. What a charmer. Darlene tells him to “shut up” for me. Thanks, Darlene. She walks away as Sam walks up with her son, New Alex, or Newlex, but now because of my suspicion that he’s the love-child of Neela’s dead husband, Michael Gallant, previously aka Plank for his wooden acting but now known as Deadwood, I shall forever refer to the Son of Sam as “Splinter”. Splinter is carrying a big plastic covered tray of something and still sporting his awful ‘80’s bushy hair. McEgo tells Sam that he needs a CBC on Lulu, then says hi to Splinter and asks “Don’t you have anything better to do than hang out with losers like us on Thanksgiving?” I’ve been asking myself the same thing as I sit and watch your scenes, McEgo. Because trees can’t talk, or make anything remotely looking like a facial movement of any kind, Splinter doesn’t react. Sam fills McEgo in that Splinter would just be playing video games all night if he were sitting at home. Yeah, probably something like Wario’s Woods or Happy Tree Friends, eh, Splinter? Sam thought she’d drag her stump in and make him do some “community service”. Well, it’s winter, so all of his leaves are gone, and he’s a little short to provide shade anyway, so I’m at a loss as to what kind of service he can provide, Sam. McEgo thinks that’s cool, and Splinter actually is able to string a sentence together enough to bitch about how uncool “handing out cookies” is. I could swear he said he’s handing them out a “to stick people”, which would make sense considering his own family tree. Did you make the cookies, Splinter? If they’re maple cookies, then I guess you did. Sam tells him that it could be worse and he could be one of those “sick people”, which I guess makes even more sense since they are in, you know, a hospital and all. Splinter dumps his cookie box on the Admit Desk as Neela in her surgical scrubs and cap comes up and bitches to McEgo about paging her four times in the last twenty minutes. She wants to know what the crisis is and sighing he tells her “Oh, no crisis, just …” and starts spouting off a list of patients that all need her attention but that I couldn’t care enough about to transcribe their illnesses. I think I’d much rather deal with the stick people. They’re walking and talking and Neela thinks McEgo is making this all up and he says that he wishes he was. Because obviously more has rubbed off of McEgo onto Neela than just razor burn, she conceitedly believes it’s just an excuse to keep her down there. McEgo sarcastically says that he would never dream of wasting her time like that. They walk into Trauma Yellow and he quick looks around before asking her “Must you look so hot all the time … even in that ridiculous hat”. She chuckles as he stumblingly tells her that he can’t concentrate and he can’t even talk. And you can’t act, McEgo. And you obviously can’t shave either. Neela laughingly says “enough of this harassment, I have work to do” and walks out, leaving McEgo to smile after her, all proud of himself for getting her flustered.
Nighttime now and Abby and Crusty are pushing a gurney through the doors into
Ray and Malik walk out of Exam 2 with an elderly couple, the man wearing huge Roy Orbison dark glasses and holding an ice pack to his elbow. Elderly Woman is telling Ray how for 52 years, rain or shine, Elderly Roy drives her around the lake on a tandem bike after Thanksgiving. Awww. That’s sweet. Malik agrees with me. Ray tells Elderly Roy that he’s blind and maybe he should let his wife drive. No … ya think? Besides the blind thing going on, Elderly Roy must also be with the senility, too, because he answers how that wouldn’t work at all because he can’t “carry a tune”. Huh? Elderly Woman chimes in that Elderly Roy drives and she sings and that it’s tradition. I know you’re up there in years, Elderly Woman, but you can walk and talk at the same time, so I’m thinking if you put you’re mind to it, you could probably ride a bike and sing simultaneously, too. Just a thought. Ray sends Malik with them to Radiology, saying to call him when the films get back. Ray turns around to see Sam walking beside a gurney with a big woman on it who’s holding a towel over her brow and wincing. Sam asks Ray to write an order and asks Big Woman if it’s migraines. She says that she gets one every Thanksgiving, adding that “it’s the stuffing”. Ray and I want to know “Then why do you eat it?” Big Woman adds that it’s amazing and that her mom makes it with bacon and almonds, and it lands her in the hospital every Thanksgiving but it’s worth it. For the love of God, is stupidity the theme of this episode? I think someone scooped their brains and ran. Honey, ain’t no food worth a migraine … except maybe chocolate … Ray looks as disbelieving of this as I do. As Big Woman is wheeled away, Ray and Sam share a grin. As they walk towards Admit, Ray tells her that holidays weird him out, “special foods, little rituals” are not his thing. Sam says that when she was a kid, Thanksgiving was just an excuse to stay home all day and watch TV. Guess Crisco Bag
Blue Scarf asks Abby if there’s any chance she could be wrong about this. Oh, Blue Scarf. Abby? Wrong about something? Do you not watch this show? Abby admits “yes” but starts to say that based on her experience … as Red Sweater gets in her face asking “Well which is it?” He says that first Abby said that Old Lady won’t survive the trip and now she says that she might be wrong. Abby tells them that she knows this is hard, but she thinks it’s important that … as Crusty interrupts, telling her that “time’s up”. He’s got Old Lady all packed up on the gurney and ready to go. Abby rolls her eyes impatiently and tells him to wait. He tells her to find the clerk, sign the consent, and they’ll be at County in 45 minutes. Blue Scarf protests that Abby just said they should think about this and Crusty in a bored tone replies that it’s her mom’s only chance as he writes on the chart. Abby turns around to stare at him with a “what did you just say?” look as Red Sweater tells them to take Old Lady, then immediately hustles Blue Scarf out of the room. That was weird. Abby’s not happy as she heads over to the gurney. She angrily tells Crusty that Old Lady’s going to die and he looks at her and says “Uh huh”. She retorts that she’s doing her best to facilitate a “good death” for Old Lady. The camera pans quickly back and forth between them as they snipe at each other. Crusty: “It’s not your job”. Abby: “Not … your … call!” Crusty then tells her how it works, “the referring hospital refers, the accepting hospital accepts, and we’re just the deliverymen”, then holding up his hand corrects, “Sorry … delivery people.” Frustrated, Abby holds up her hand and bitches at him that he’s denying the responsibility that comes with his job. He thinks he’s not the one who’s in denial here. As they start to push the gurney out, he says to her “Good death? There’s no such thing, babe”, as Abby scoffs at his patronizing endearment. He tells her that if she thinks she can make this a good experience for the family, then “You’re even more arrogant then I thought”. You think she’s arrogant, you’re just lucky that the rules kept McEgo from going, Crusty. As they walk the gurney down the hall, the family follows behind, with Blue Scarf telling Old Lady that they’ll see her in
After commercial, Old Lady’s in the chopper as we hear monitor beeping and Headphones says that the systolic is holding above 80. Sitting in the same seat as before, Abby responds sarcastically, “Yeah, on 20 mikes of dopamine”. Crusty thinks that still counts as Abby just looks at him, then back over at Old Lady. Shrugging exaggeratedly, Abby concedes “Alright … You know … Maybe you were right … Maybe she …” as Crusty cuts her off, telling her not to say it, blustering that there’s “Nothing more painful than listening to a lady eat crow”. Abby comes back at him that she’s not “eating crow”, which reminds him that he is starving, and he pulls out a tin foil wrapped sandwich. He tells Headphones that it’s turkey with cranberry sauce and his wife even baked the bread. Abby inclines her head towards Old Lady, bitching, “We’ve got a patient here”. Headphones thinks she’s fine. Crusty tells Abby that he feels sorry for her “old man”. Hee. Me, too, Crusty … Bitch … Abby scowls at him and wants to know what that’s supposed to mean, but he just chuckles knowingly. Abby folds her arms across her chest, annoyed as Old Lady’s monitor starts beeping crazily. Abby looks over at it. Crusty sees what she’s looking at and tries to say that it’s just the turbulence, but Abby doesn’t think so. She unhooks herself from her seat and moves over to Old Lady, telling Headphones to charge the defibrillator as she disconnects the breathing tube.
Neela and McEgo are with Lulu. Neela asks how long she’s been vomiting. Lulu says that it started during the salad. McEgo scoffs at salad for Thanksgiving and thinks Lulu’s family is weird. Lulu’s not really paying attention to him, which I’m so with her on, but her distraction is caused by the sight of Splinter dropping bark … I mean “passing out cookies” … to the other patients in the Curtain Area. Lulu agrees “Tell me about it”. Neela asks McEgo about the white count and motions him away for them to confer. Splinter expressionlessly drops a cookie on the stomach of an unconscious guy before making his way over to Lulu. She asks “Are those chocolate chip?” Splinter, realizing that she’s not just whistling through the woods but is actually talking to him, monosyllabically monotones, “No”. She asks if she can have one anyway. Splinter is all shyly, “yeah, sure” as he comes over to her. Lulu’s a little flirty ‘ho. She tells him that this holiday’s a lie and he’s all intrigued “Really?” Lulu says that the only thing the Pilgrims shared with the Indians was measles. Splinter thinks about this, but doesn’t seem to get it and just says “okay”. He’s sort of smiling at her. At least I think it’s a smile. I’m not used to any kind of facial movement from him at all so he’s either smiling or he has gas. Lulu introduces herself and thanks him for the cookie. As she goes to eat it, Sam spots her and rushes over to grab it from her. She nicely tells her that she can’t eat that because she’s NPO. Lulu’s not too happy that it’s Thanksgiving and she can’t even eat. Sam sort of glares at Splinter, but trying to keep her tone civil in front of Lulu reminds him what she told him about asking the doctors and nurses before giving away the cookies. Sam glowers at him before she walks over to Neela and McEgo, handing them Lulu’s labs. Neela says that the white count’s 14 and wants to get a CT. Sam says she’ll call the scanner as McEgo and Neela head over to Lulu. McEgo tells her that they talked to her mom on the phone earlier and she gave them permission to give her a “very special x-ray” on her “tummy”. For chrissakes, McEgo. The kid’s a pre-teen, not in pre-school. McAsshole. Lulu asks “She didn’t want to talk to me?” Neela and McEgo exchange a look and then he tells Lulu, now talking to her like a toddler, that her mom told them to make sure they treat her like a V.I.P. Neela’s sure she’ll be there soon. Lulu thinks that’s okay because Splinter can wait with her. Splinter’s like “huh?” and Lulu says “Right, Alex?” And actually showing a bit of animation and becoming a “real boy”, Splinter smiles a little disbelievingly, probably because he didn’t think a cute girl like Lulu would actually have a tree fetish, and says “Yeah”. How about that? Lulu’s turned Splinter from wood to woody … Neela and McEgo grin at the pre-pubescent puppy love … or since it’s Splinter, should it be pulpy love? And they call it, pulpy lo-o-o-ove … Oh I guess they’ll never know … How a plant part really fe-e-e-els … And just why I love fir so …And they call it, pulpy lo-o-o-ove … Just because we’re in our teens … Tell them … Please tell them it isn’t fair … To take away pine cone-ly beam …
Back in the Copter of Crashing Cardiac Coots, they’re shocking Old Lady’s heart. Headphones says that she’s still in v-fib, and Abby curses “Damn it!” Crusty tells her that Old Lady is 88 years old and Abby retorts that she tried to make that point an hour ago, but that they’re committed now. Headphones says that the lido’s in and Abby calls for another mig of epi as she does compressions on Old Lady. Crusty says that she’s had five rounds of meds and Abby comes back at him “Yeah, well let’s make it six”. Shaking her head, Abby mutters to herself, “We never should have brought her up here”, to which Crusty replies, “Darlin’, it’s the job”. Abby’s getting really pissed and angrily tells him to spare her the platitudes. She tells Headphones to go again, and he shocks Old Lady. Now we hear the monitor flatline as Headphones yells “Nothing!” Abby looks over at Crusty, who’s still bagging Old Lady. She reaches over and holds the ambu-bag, stopping him. He lets go and she then disconnects the bag from Old Lady’s tube as the monitor still drones. Someone turns off the monitor as Abby looks away, obviously affected by what’s just happened. She sits back and looks over at Old Lady, then pushes the microphone part of her headset away from her face with an annoyed gesture, so that she can play with her hair unobstructed. She pushes it out of her eyes as she looks away again, seeming like she really doesn’t want to deal with Crusty and the others right now, because she knew that this was going happen.
Sam is pushing in a gurney with a flannel-shirted girl on it who from this angle reminds me a bit of Tina Fey. Flannel Tina has what looks like a Christmas star tree topper impaled in her abdomen and is bitching at two women walking alongside her that if “the scar shows up on her bikini”, she’s suing both of their asses. Sam calls over to Admit that she needs some help over there as the two women start sniping at each other. The older Annie Lennox-short haired one tells the younger skanky one that they’re in a hospital now and it’s time to grow up. Skanky tells her “Don’t tell me what to do, grandma”. Annie Lennox doesn’t like that, “Grandma??? You bubble-headed little bitch!” Hee. You tell her, Annie. Pratt’s all “whoa” and telling them to settle down as he asks Flannel Tina what happened. Flannel Tina accuses Skanky of pushing her into the display. Skanky protests that she fell. Sam explains that these three were fighting over a bag at “Bovard’s Midnight Sale”. Darlene doesn’t get it because it’s not even eight o’clock yet. As they wheel Flannel Tina over to the Curtain Area, Annie fills her in that the name is just tradition and the sale starts at four in the afternoon now. On Thanksgiving? Shouldn’t you be home stuffing your faces? Greedy bitches. Can’t even wait until Black Friday like all the rest of us before you start the time-honored Christmas shopping brawling, can you? Skanky holds up a bag saying “Fendi brioche – 80% off” and Flannel Tina tells them that bag is normally $1800. Oh, well, I think I might give up the cranberry sauce for that kind of discount, too … Annie chimes in “They only did a limited run”. Sam says that somehow in the scuffle Flannel Tina fell into the Nativity display. That’s a pretty tacky star for a Nativity scene. Flannel Tina complains that she was pushed. Pratt can’t believe the display is up already since it’s only Thanksgiving, and Sam tells him that’s when the Christmas decorations go up. Considering you think Gourmet comes in a Glad Bag, it’s pretty obvious you don’t shop, Sam. Everyone knows the Christmas stuff goes up the second the Halloween stuff is taken down … if not before. Sam sarcastically says “Impaled by a fiberglass Star of Bethlehem”. Pratt tells Darlene to call Surgery. Skanky magnanimously says that with all that’s happened, she can’t keep the bag now, and gives it to Flannel Tina. Annie tells her how sweet that is, then quickly grabs the bag and takes off. Skanky chases after her yelling “Give it back, Evil Grandma Whore!” Hee. Did anyone actually pay for that bag? Darlene looks after them, saying “Wow … this is really sad”.
Camera focuses on Old Lady, who not surprisingly is still dead, as we hear a phone dialing for a few rings, then hear Luka saying “Hello?” Camera pulls back to show Abby talking into the headset. She says “Hi”, then tells him that she was just calling to say that it’s probably still going to be a while. He asks her if she’s okay. She hesitates, like she’s not sure what to say, then looks over at Old Lady as he says “Abby?” She still hasn’t answered, because she’s clearly not okay and hearing Luka’s voice made her realize just how much she’s not. We hear him again say “Abby?”, then a little quieter and gentler like he can tell there’s something wrong “… Are you there?” Crusty then tells him “Don’t worry. We’re taking good care of ‘your girl’”, as the rest of the guys smirk. Abby asks them if they’re listening and they all start chuckling. We hear Luka ask “Who’s that?” Uh oh, Copter Crew. Better watch your step, because I wouldn’t piss off Luka if I were you. He doesn’t seem to take too kindly to guys who mess with Abby. They’re all still smiling and Abby tells them “You guys are assholes”. Luka again says “Abby?” She tells him that she’ll call him when they land, then curtly tells Jasper to hang up the phone. He protests cheekily that she didn’t say goodbye, and she pissily tells him again to hang it up, crossing her arms across her chest standoffishly. Jasper unconvincingly says that he’s sorry about that and that he accidentally mixed up his channels. Abby bitches “What are we in fifth grade here?” Sounds more like Jackass Junior High to me, Abby. A dispatch call comes over the radio asking if they’re available to respond to a call about a vehicle over the side of Highway 16 and Neosha Ravine. The Copter Cronies just pass looks back and forth. Abby wants to know why they’re not answering the Dispatcher. Jasper replies that they’re about to “time out” and Headphones says that pilots are only allowed to fly for a maximum of 12 hours. Jasper says that he’s been up for almost 11. Dispatch hails them again. Abby looks over at Crusty, who just stares back at her. She asks Jasper if he’s just going to ignore the Dispatcher. Crusty tells her not to worry because another unit will get it. Abby protests that they aren’t far from Neosha as Crusty continues to stare at her. Disgusted, Abby shakes her head and wants Jasper to tell Dispatch where they are. Jasper looks over at Crusty and Abby tells him “You don’t have to look at ‘daddy’ for permission. Just do your job and tell her where we are”. Jasper tells Dispatch that they are at Highway 12 and
Chief Surgical Resident Dustin Crenshaw, aka Moby for his shiny chrome dome, is examining Flannel Tina. Pratt tells him that it looks like the star missed the peritoneum. Darlene tells Flannel Tina that “The Thanksgiving sales, the parades, the blockbuster movies … Those are all just to prime you for the bald-faced commercialism of the holiday season”. Moby stares at her, probably because he’s a little sensitive about it and doesn’t like the word “bald” used anywhere near him. Moby holds his hand out towards Darlene and asks for a syringe. She hands it to him and he asks for 1% lidocaine. She holds the vial out to him and he motions that it needs to be turned upside down over the syringe and she does it. Pratt tells Flannel Tina that her wounds are superficial and that she got lucky. She scoffs that by the time she gets back to the sale all they’ll have left are bad colors and big sizes. Darlene sarcastically tells her that she was impaled while fighting over an “oversized vessel for credit cards and lipstick” and asks Flannel Tina if that doesn’t “sorta, kinda feel like a sign?” Flannel Tina looks at her like “who are you?” and Darlene tells her to “wake up”. Moby keeps staring at Darlene, but not antagonistically, but rather kind of affectionately. Hee. I guess there really is someone for everyone. I mean if Splinter can find someone, than why not a Dick like Moby. But in his case it’s Guppy Love … Though considering it’s these two, their song would more likely be The Replacements “Androgynous” … Here comes Dick, he's wearing a skirt … Here comes Jane, y'know she's sporting a chain … Same hair, revolution … Same build, evolution … Tomorrow who's gonna fuss … And they love each other so… Androgynous … Closer than you know, love each other so … Androgynous … While watching Darlene, Moby goes all caveman-like, trying to impress her by just ripping the star out of Flannel Tina’s abdomen. Flannel Tina “Owww” ‘s it and Moby, never taking his eyes off of Darlene, asks for a gram on ancef, 3.0 silk and an irrigation tray. Darlene just looks back at him impassively. Pratt smiles at Moby’s attempts at flirting and tells her to “stay and assist the doctor”, then walks away chuckling and shaking his head. So what would be their shipper name? Darby? Molene? Hee … Well every time I pull you close … Push my face into your hair … Cream rinse and tobacco smoke …That sickly scent is always, always there.
Back to the Hovering Helicopter Harbinger of Happening Hazards. Headphones says that they should be close. Jasper looks out, squinting to see anything. Abby scowls out her window, watching the copter’s lights illuminate the trees below. As the light passes over a road, it comes to a drop-off. Abby looks more closely as she spots something. The spotlight shines on what looks like a bus, flopped on its side and hanging on the edge of a cliff, people scrambling out of it. Yikes. Headphones yells that Dispatcher said “vehicle” not “bus”. Crusty replies “Cheap trick”. Well, feeling alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin’, Crusty …Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you cryin’? … Abby wants to know how they’re supposed to get down there. Crusty stares at her for a second, then shares a look with Headphones and Jasper. Cut to an exterior shot of the helicopter over the bus and what looks like someone descending from a rope. Camera switches and we see that it’s … Abby! Wow … Wonder Woman! All the world is waiting for you … And the power you possess … In your satin tights … Fighting for your rights … You’re a wonder, Wonder Woman! Jeez, really chivalrous and macho of you Helicopter He-men, letting the girl do it. Jerks. Except Wonder Woman flew in an invisible plane, not a helicopter. I never quite understood the purpose of the invisible plane – I mean, you could see through it, but Wonder Woman wasn’t transparent, so you could still see her. Annoying. Though, you know, I’m thinking with that flight jumpsuit and helmet you’re wearing, you look more like the Bionic Woman, Abby. I hate to tell you, but she was outfitted in that same type of garb when she had her tragic skydiving accident that caused them to have to rebuild her … better … stronger … faster … in the first place. Since you are playing Bionic Woman, don’t forget your “mission purse”, Abby. No rescue operation is complete without one. And I know for sure that you do aspire to be Jamie Sommers, because no self-respecting cheesy retro doll collection would be complete without the Bionic Beauty Salon. Does that make Luka the Six Million Dollar Man? Or the Bionic Shampoo Boy? I wonder which parts of him are enhanced??? … Hmmm … Bitch … And yes, I did watch way too much TV as an impressionable young child, in case you were wondering. At least I wasn't a social outcast in Junior High because I didn't know the difference between Pinky Tuscadero and Leather Tuscadero. So anyway, whatcha doin’, Abby? Oh, just hangin’ ‘round … Camera angle from above follows Abby’s descent over the dangling bus, and though I know that it’s CGI, it’s still a cool effect and pretty scary looking.
Pulsating Percussion of Perilous Precipices pounds as we hear the copter blades whirring and see boot bottoms coming towards as Abby’s ready to land on us. Camera pulls back a little so she doesn’t actually whack us in the face with her feet. Thanks, ER camerman. Abby finally makes it to the ground. She looks up at the crash scene as the camera pans around behind her so that we can see it from her point of view. What a mess. Jerky camera movements, bodies lying around, people wandering about, not knowing what to do, bloodied people screaming, others continuing to climb out of the bus. All we need is a tropical island beach, a couple of sweaty, hot-looking guys, and frustratingly endless storylines that never get resolved and this could be an episode of Lost … or Days of Our Lives … Abby takes off her helmet so she can better see the wreckage and the carnage. She unhooks herself from the harness and starts checking out the injured. Behind her is a woman who is lying face down on the ground, her head and back bloody. Abby kneels down and feels her neck, looking for a pulse. Crusty is walking towards her through the brush. How did he get down there? Abby just unhooked herself from the harness and I doubt they’d be lowering two of them at a time, besides the fact that Crusty’s coming down the hill. Annoying. Crusty shouts to her that if she’s taking that long to find a pulse, it’s not worth looking. He tosses a red pack to her and tells her not to waste time with resuscitations. He starts to yell “Help the people you can help”, and she cuts him off “I know how to triage!” He nods condescendingly “O-oh”. Abby attaches the pack around her waist, and reaches inside it. As she pulls on rubber gloves, Crusty tells her that the bus is unstable and to keep triaging “till the cavalry gets here”, and heads over towards the bus. A guy holding his right arm and saying over and over “It won’t stop. I’m telling you it won’t stop” comes over to Abby. She tries to get him to let her look at it, but he won’t let go. She pulls his hand away, and the camera closes in on the wound of his arm, blood spurting out everywhere. Nice. Abby makes him sit down and tells him to keep pressure on it. Well, duh, Abby. That’s what he was doing until you pulled his hand away. She tells him to elevate it. He complains that he’s going to freeze to death out there and she tries to reassure him that they’re going to get him out of the cold soon. Well, where’s your coat, Arm Guy? It’s November in
Work boots coming in through the top of the bus. Since the bus is lying on its side, a door has kind of been pushed down so that it’s acting like a ramp. Abby steps down on to it, bending down to shine her flashlight down the length as we hear the kid saying “Stay awake … somebody’s coming”. Should you really be on that bus, Abby? Don’t think you’re actually trained at these type of rescue situations. Besides the fact that the kid is in the part of the bus that’s, you know, dangerously hanging on the edge of a cliff. So, I’m kind of thinking that this wasn’t too smart of you. In the bus, seats are on their sides, luggage and personal belongings are strewn everywhere. Kid, at the opposite end from Abby, is yelling “Mom! … Mom?!?” Abby comes all the way in the bus and tells him not to move and that she’s coming back there, as she heads towards him. Kid tells his mom to hang on, and that it’s going to be okay. As she walks down the aisle, and we hear the creaking of the bus as it shifts slightly, Abby startles as she passes a grey-haired guy dangling from a seat almost all the way above her. Yikes. That reminds of Aliens when they find all the dead colonists hanging cocooned from the ceilings in the power station. Good times. Grey Hair’s head is bloody, and his eyes are open, gaze fixed, which I think so sucks for him. Abby feels for a pulse. Duh, Abby. Obviously you, and Neela, since she did the same thing in Two Ships, don’t watch enough horror flicks or you would know how unnecessary that is. Kid is yelling “Hello?!?! Abby finally realizes that Grey Hair ain’t among the living, and continues back towards Kid. She asks if he’s hurt, too, and he says that he isn’t and it’s just his mom. He begs Abby to get her help as we see Kid’s Mom lying on the floor, trapped underneath fallen debris. Abby tells Kid to hang on as she keeps trying to get back there. Kid’s got on a knit ski cap and is wearing a heavy jacket, so obviously has more sense than the fools on the hill. We hear Kid’s Mom say “
Lulu is coming out of the scanner, arms behind her head and reclining like she’s enjoying it or something. Splinter comes over to her and says that he told her it wouldn’t hurt. Funky ringtone goes off and Splinter pulls out a green cell, telling Lulu that it’s his mom and complaining that she won’t stop calling him. You should be glad she cares enough to call and check on you, Splinter. You know, if a tree falls in a forest, and there’s nobody around to hear it, it doesn’t matter if it finally just came to life one day … Lulu thinks Splinter is lucky because her foster mother only keeps her for the money she gets from the state. Well, Sam only keeps Splinter around for the backup kindling in case of firewood shortages in the winter or running out of charcoal for the grill in the summer. Lulu says that when she started barfing during dinner, Foster Mom loaded her in the ambulance, then went back to her ham. Ham??? On Thanksgiving? No wonder you barfed. Though considering Splinter’s going to be subjected to Trash Bag Turkey Tetrazini later, I’m sure he’ll be joining you at the vomitorium, Lulu. Showing his superior deductive reasoning skills, Splinter says “So … she’s not coming?” Camera angle changes to the point of view of McEgo and Neela, who are watching the tame teenage tryst through the window. McEgo thinks Splinter is “splittin’”. Uh oh, Splinter. Better get some wood glue then. Oh, maybe he said “smitten” because Neela thinks boys are “easy”. McEgo tells her that Trixie and her daughter Sarah, who I call Deej because she reminds me of the Tanner kids that McEgo lived with back when he was Uncle Jesse, are out of town tonight. Neela ignores this and says that Lulu’s liver looks good as we can see Lulu sitting up and swinging her legs around the table so she can stand up. McEgo says that he has the place all to himself. Neela wants to know why he’s telling her that. He tells her that it’s over between he and Trixie. Neela gives him a look and says “I thought you weren’t together”. He says that they weren’t but now they’re even ‘not together’ anymore. Neela scowls as she looks at Lulu’s scan. Where’s the Tech who listens to Supa Crew who usually runs the scans? Why are Neela and McEgo doing it? Annoying. Neela says that there’s “fat surrounding her cecal phlegmon”. McEgo thinks she’ll need the OR and Neela picks up the phone to call Moby.
We hear copters flying overhead and mass chaos of people crying and yelling as Abby leads
Another victim, strapped to a stretcher, is being carried away by firemen. Walking through and surveying the scene, Crusty updates the Fire Chief that there are four dead, nine critical, fourteen minor injuries, and eleven “delayed”. Abby is following them, trying to catch up, as Crusty says that the driver had a passenger manifest and the numbers all match. Fire Chief pats him on the back and tells him “good job”. Fire Chief asks if all the criticals are off site as Abby jumps in and asks if that includes the woman on the bus. Fire Chief says that no one is going back on that bus until it’s stabilized. Abby wants to know how long that’s going to take. Fire Chief replies that the anchors aren’t holding and it could be hours. Abby doesn’t think she can make it that long. Crusty crustily yells at her that there’s nothing they can do about it, and they are not going to endanger their guys. Abby looks at him and tells him to calm down. Fire Chief tells her adamantly that nobody’s getting back on that bus. Abby’s looks away, frustrated.
Abby calls out to Melanie as she makes her way over to her. Melanie’s not looking so good now. She’s conscious, but looking very pasty and weak. We hear the helicopter overhead, and it’s light shines through above as Abby asks Melanie if she can hear her, and she leans over Melanie and checks her pulse. Abby tells her that everything’s going to be okay. You really need to stop saying that, Abby, just because you want it to be true. Melanie’s crying that it’s not okay. Abby stands up and grabs a broken off pipe and starts pounding it against the roof, although since the bus tilted over, I guess it’s technically the side. She yells that she needs an IV and a liter of NS in there. Melanie haltingly says that Milo’s dad is in Milwaukee and starts “Would you please tell him …” as Abby, pulling a syringe from her pocket, interrupts and tells her that help is on the way. Abby pulls the cap off the needle with her teeth. Melanie’s having a hard time getting words out, but wants Abby to let his dad know that
Ray is on the phone at Admit calling Phoebe and telling her that he thinks she has his cell phone. He asks if it’s okay for him to come by later and pick it up. He must have gotten her machine because he asks her to call him before he hangs up. Moby comes over and starts handing him some charts, updating him on surgical consults on the patients. When he finishes, he asks Ray “What’s the deal with the new nurse?”, and looks over to the Curtain Area where Darlene is with a patient. Ray asks if he means “Jane” and Moby says he does. Ray wants to know “What about her?” Moby tries to pass it off as nothing and that he was just wondering. Ray grins and says “You like her”. Moby, still looking at Darlene, scoffs and tells him “Quiet you silly infant” as Ray chuckles. Moby walks away and Ray mouths “infant?” as Sam and Malik walks by. Sam asks Malik if he’s checked Radiology because Splinter loves the fluoroscope, but Malik says he went there and no one has seen Splinter. Sam asks if he can check MRI because the tech there lets Splinter man the controls. Malik rightfully tells her that he’s got work to do, as he grabs a chart and walks away. You go, Malik. Let Sam keep track of her fallen leaves herself. A random paramedic is bringing in a girl named Jasmine who fell down a couple of steps, and a positive LOC. Ray introduces himself to her and Sam asks what happened. Jasmine says that they were doing hits of nitrous from whipped cream cans at “grandma’s”. Oh, I am so with you on the Redi-whip addiction, Jasmine. That’s a family tradition at my grandma’s, too. Of course, she just thinks we really love the dessert topping. A guy walking next to the gurney says that Jasmine went a little overboard and then passed out on the basement stairs. Ray says that it should clean up just fine. Sam tells him that she has to go find Splinter, and walks away mumbling under her breath “Teenagers are such idiots”. Um, yeah, Sam. Remind me again how old you were when you actually did the nasty with and got knocked up by your ex Steve? You know, that convicted felon who shot up the ER, incurred my wrath by kicking the face of The Pretty, killed his partners in crime, raped you while his pre-teen son slept nearby, then you blew him away in cold blood while he was passed out? Good times.
Abby is on top of the bus, trying to pull out Melanie, who is strapped to a stretcher. Helicopter hovers overhead, shining a light on her. Bus jerks again and Abby almost loses her balance. She regains her footing, and yells down to Crusty to “hoist harder”. Crusty is below in the bus, face contorted from the effort of pushing. Considering how small Abby is, I guess Crusty is bearing most of the weight, so no wonder he looks like he’s straining. Abby blows out a breath as she tries to pull harder, but the stretcher doesn’t seem to be budging. Frustrated, she yells down “Come on!” Crusty gives a huge heave and it finally moves out. Abby grimaces as she now is bearing most of Melanie’s weight. The bus starts shaking and Crusty is thrown forward. Abby’s gets a good grip on the stretcher, and is able to lay it down on the top of the bus.
McEgo is in the lounge sitting next to Splinter. He asks if he can have a cookie, and a smiling Splinter, who is still actually kind of animated, so maybe Gepetto got his wish after all, says “Yeah, but they really suck”. Oh, I guess Neela must have baked them. Splinter opens the container and McEgo takes one, looks at it, then says “Eh” and tosses it back in. Nice, McFoodCritic. He tells Splinter that Sam is looking for him. Splinter thinks he’s in trouble now. McEgo thinks Sam will understand. Yeah, you obviously haven’t been on this show very long, McEgo, or you would have a sense of just how “understanding” Sam really is. I hope for Splinter’s sake there are no Sutures Kits within reach for her to throw at him. Splinter thinks that everything he does makes her angry. Really, Sam? What could he possibly be doing? Besides photosynthesizing, dropping acorns, or shedding leaves? Unless he’s got fungus, tree rot, or Dutch Elm disease, I really can’t see what you have to complain about, Sam. Neela comes into the lounge and McEgo watches her as he tells Splinter that sometimes you have to go the extra mile for a girl. McEgo thinks Sam will “get it” and tells Splinter to trust him. Neela tells Splinter that Lulu is in Recovery and that she’s doing fine. Splinter thinks that’s good. McEgo knocks on wood, tapping Splinter on the chest all male bonding like and tells him to “go get her”. Splinter says “yeah” and jumps up as fast as his adolescent hormones will let him and hurries out. Neela tells McEgo that they’re getting a critical in from the bus crash and she has to go meet a helicopter on the roof. He says “alright”. Cut to:
Neela and McEgo exiting the elevator onto the roof. She’s bitching at him “Don’t you need to be in the ER or something?” He tells her that his shift ended hours ago and she wants to know what he’s still doing there. He tells in a “duh” voice “Waiting for you, dummy”. You know, I was totally with you on your crush on The Pretty back in Season 11, Neela, but I’d have to agree that you are in fact dumb if you are now all into The Ego. He just stares at her as she tries to tell him that it’s going to be a while, because she has to get a sign-out, then she has to take the patient to CT … He interrupts telling her “Here’s the deal. You’re going home with me tonight”. She smirks at him and wants to know why that’s “the deal”. He says it’s because there’s nobody at his house, it’s Thanksgiving and Neela chuckles. He smiles at her as we hear the helicopter approaching and tells her that he really wants to make her … dinner. Ugh. I’d so not want you touching my food, McEgo, considering whatever kind of particles could possibly fall into it from the scraggy overgrowth on your face. Yuck. He leans towards her like he’s going to kiss her, and she turns away towards the helicopter, like she’s just now noticed it coming, even though the whirring’s been pretty clearly audible. Annoying. Though not nearly as annoying as if I had actually had to be subjected to any lip-smacking between Neela and McEgo … Egola … Ugh. They look up at the helicopter overhead.
Weaver and TV Tina are at the table in the Lounge, looking kind of cozy. Tina is feeding Weaver some chocolate-cherry pie as Pratt comes in. Tina asks her “Amazing, right?” and Weaver makes a yummy noise and says “Wow”. Pratt says that it looks great to him as he approaches them. Weaver says hi to him and he introduces himself to Tina, and she reciprocates. Weaver explains that Tina is her producer. Pratt’s all smiles at Tina as he goes to get himself some coffee. Tina says that she thinks she might be able to hang out there for a while if she can get her neighbor to let the dog out. She gets up saying that she’ll “give her a call” and pats Weaver on the shoulder as she leaves. Pratt, all down with the Tina love, asks Weaver pointedly “Who is that?” Weaver looks at him knowingly and says that she just told him who Tina is. He sits down at the table with her and tells her to “Come on now … hook a brother up”. Weaver tells him that his “gaydar” is terrible, “even for a straight man”. Hee. Pratt’s face falls when he realizes Tina plays for the other team. He chuckles as he tells Weaver that she has “excellent taste in women”. Weaver deadpans “Of course I do”. Hee. I love Weaver. Pratt wants to know if he can ask her something personal. She tells him “maybe” and then frowns a little, wondering what he’s going to ask. He starts to ask “how”, then switches it to “When … did you know you were gay?” Weaver looks at him pointedly and asks drolly “Are you coming out to me, Greg?” Hee. She grins as he says “no”. Then he goes on to explain how he came home and found his brother with another guy. Weaver nods and asks “Really?” Pratt tells her that Chaz says that he’s just experimenting and it’s only a phase. Weaver smiles meaningfully and asks him what he thinks, but he doesn’t know and asks if a straight guy can go through a “gay phase”. Weaver thinks it’s more likely that Chaz is gay and that he’s telling Pratt what he thinks Pratt wants to hear. Pratt protests that today Chaz is taking some “hot girl” from school to the family Thanksgiving and why is he doing that if he’s gay? Weaver tells him that she doesn’t know his brother, and she doesn’t know what’s going on in his head, but she does know that when she was that age she brought a lot of boys home to meet her parents. Pratt takes this in and asks “You did?” Weaver replies “Hell, yeah” and admits that she was 30 before she faced up to being gay, but tells him sincerely that her life got a lot better once it did. Pratt sighs as he thinks about this.
Abby, dressed in scrubs and with her hair clipped in an updo, is on the elevator alone, leaning against the wall, totally lost in thought. A little startled when the bell dings, she looks up at the floor numbers, and watches as the door opens. She hesitates a little, playing with the water bottle she’s holding, before finally exiting. She walks towards Admit, unhappily absorbed as the Plaintive Piano of Conspicuously Close Calls plays. She plays with her hair, still looking preoccupied, as Sam comes up behind her and says “hey”. Abby turns around and grins slightly at her as she returns the “hey” and they continue together towards Admit. Sam asks if the transport went okay. Abby fumbles a little “Um …” then quickly says “Yes” and glances at Sam. Sam thinks she should be grateful that she got to skip out on “this freak show” and that it’s been a real madhouse around here, as Abby nods knowingly, grinning a little and saying dryly “Just got lucky, I guess”. We hear a male voice call “Hey, Lockhart” and Abby turns around to see Crusty on the other side of the desk, holding a clipboard. He tells her to “hurry up and sign this” before he gets called out again. Abby chews on her lips, giving him a wry look before walking over to him. She picks up the chart and signs it as he watches her, very slightly grinning. She hands it back, not looking at him and says “bye”. He takes it and starts to walk away towards the elevators as she says to him “… And, thanks”. He turns around, nodding at her and admits “You’re pretty tough … for a girl”. She gives him a little lopsided grin as the elevator dings and he starts towards it again. She calls out good-naturedly, “Go to hell”, and he laughs as he gets on the elevator. Hee. Nice scene. I like how they just totally acknowledged each other. If they were on a playground, they would have just punched each other in the arm in the universal kid-code “you know, you’re all right” gesture. She watches him leave, then looks over and spots Blue Scarf and Red Sweater waiting in Chairs. Abby closes her eyes for a sec, realizing that they still don’t know about Old Lady and that on top of everything else that’s gone on, she’s got to go break that news to them now. She heads over to them, as we see her through the doors, trying to explain what’s happened and the harsh truth hitting them as they realize that they’re going to have to start cooking Thanksgiving dinners by themselves from now on.
Neela knocks on a door with the number #22 on it. McEgo, dressed in a dark button-down shirt answers the door. And … big surprise … he’s still not shaved. He tells her that he was afraid that she wasn’t going to show up. Well, you’re the only one, McEgo, because I’m pretty sure the rest of the viewing audience was hoping she would start rubbing together whatever brain cells she had left and stand you up. She apologizes that Moby made her do an I&D on the way out. He smiles at her and leads her in, telling her that he hopes that she’s hungry. He said that he couldn’t do the turkey, so he made tacos, because nothing screams “Thanksgiving” quite like tortilla shells, ground beef, salsa and sour cream. McMoron. He moves towards the kitchen, then turns around to look at her as her realizes that she is still standing by the door. He walks back over to her, and leads her in, telling her that it’s homemade salsa and that he got the tortillas from this Salvadorian market on Fulton. He asks if she’s ever been there as he pours her a glass of wine. She says nervously that she doesn’t think so as she takes the glass and gulps it right down. He smiles at this and asks if she’s okay as he fills her glass again. Neela giggles a little, totally ill-at-ease. He asks if she wants to take her jacket off, and she says “yeah” and does. He asks her if she’s sure she’s “cool” and if she doesn’t like Mexican food, she just needs to “say the word”. What word? Asshole? Though considering the dead animal that’s seems to have taken up permanent residence on McEgo’s face, maybe the word’s “Roadkill”. Ugh. McRoadkill so does not make for a “Happy” Meal, Neela. Neela says it’s fine, and stammers that she just hasn’t been in a situation “like this” for a long time. Like what, Neela? You mean a situation where you have to make sure all of your vaccinations are up to date? She tells him that it feels a bit weird standing there “knowing that we’re about to do what we’re about to do”. What are you about to do, Neela? I do hope you’re about to call PETA on his ass about the intolerable treatment of the furry animal on his chin. He pretends not to know what she’s getting at and says “What? Have dinner?” She tells him that she really does want to be there and that she’s thought about it … a lot. Ewww. Who knew Neela had a Furby fetish? She corrects “Not creepy ‘a lot’ .. but …” that it’s definitely been on her mind and she didn’t want him to worry that she didn’t want to … then trails off as he moves in to kiss her. Ewww. He, of course, isn’t worried, because he is The Ego after all. He tells her that they can take it as slow as she wants. Neela must be pretty desperate because she risks serious rug burn by leaning forward and kissing him. Either that or she really doesn’t like tacos. They continue with their patented closed-mouthed kissing and she backs him into the counter behind him. He takes the wine glass out of her hand and puts it in the sink, then puts his arms around her as they continue to make out, never opening their lips. Which I guess is a good move on your part, Neela, as it minimizes the chances of catching anything.
Ray is at the Nurses’ Station as Phoebe comes up behind him. She says “hey, Stranger” as she places a tray of brownies next to him, his cell phone lying on top. Ray thanks her for returning it and asks what she’s doing there. She says that she’s working and he thinks that surgeons are such bastards making med students come in on Thanksgiving. He thinks that’s really, really low. Phoebe says that it’s actually the “bastards in the ER” who scheduled her for this. Who you calling “bastard”, bitch? If you know what’s good for you, you best not be referring to the ER Chief, otherwise known as The Pretty. I know I don’t take kindly to defaming The Delicious, and considering the day Abby’s had, I’m thinking she could seriously mess you up for slighting her Shampoo Boy … Bitch … Ray’s all “what?” and Phoebe tells him that she started her ER rotation tonight. Ray’s not too happy because Phoebe said she was never going to do an ER rotation and Phoebe tells him that Radiology fell through at the last minute and she got reassigned. Oh, that’s convenient, Phoebe. Skank. She smiles as she tells him not to freak out because she’s not stalking him. Yeah, there are much more seriously stalkable specimens there than Ray, Phoebe. Though you’ll have to get way in the back of the line if you’re even considering doing any lurking of The Luscious … behind me … most of the free world … Bird … and I guess, Abby … Bitch … She’s starts walking away and he follows, reminding her that he can’t evaluate her. She thinks they’ll work it out. He starts to say “And I can’t have these people thinking …” as she cuts him off, again saying that they’ll work it out. Smirking, she pats his ass as she walks off, and he turns around looking all shocked and indignant.
Ray continues to Admit, carrying his brownies, which he never even said “thanks” for. Nice, Ray. He comes up to Abby who’s filling out paperwork and asks what took her so long, she was out all night. Not looking up, Abby says facetiously “Well, you know … sometimes these things can take hours”. Ray asks her “Sure you weren’t just having sundaes with ‘the team’?” Abby scoffs and looks over at him as he explains that the last run he did they burned off the whole shift at The Plush Horse. Abby nods and says sarcastically “Good for you, Ray”. Malik comes walking up saying “Well, well, well … look who’s back”. Darlene, who’s behind him, chimes in bitching how Abby got to soar over
Neela and McEgo are in bed. McUgh. This is just incredibly cruel to be doing to your audience, on Thanksgiving no less, ER producers. People look forward all year to enjoying this food-centered holiday, now you’re causing them to revisit their meals, and not in a good way. It’s just not the same coming up as it is going down. McYuck. Parminder’s skintone-matching body stocking is visible. Totally with you on using that protection, Parminder. Of course, if it were me, I’d probably be wearing body armor … or a Hazmat suit … You might want to consider some kind of prophylactic measures as well … You know, like getting a preventative rabies treatment. You don’t know where that facial roadkill has been. You also might want to have some Neosporin handy … What with the razor burn and all … And speaking of razor burn, seeing as McEgo’s a bit sweaty, that’s totally like rubbing salt into the wound, too … McBiohazard … We hear the sounds of voices coming closer. McEgo pulls away from Neela and looks over, just in time to see Deej and Trixie coming up the steps. Deej channels me and looks at what Neela’s doing in horror. She says “Oh my God” as Trixie just stares. McEgo pulls the blanket up a little bit higher and blows out a breath, as Neela looks like she wants to crawl under a rock, which would be much more preferable to being under McEgo. Instead of getting a little indignant that they didn’t knock or yell up the stairs before coming up, McEgo plays host and flatly introduces them, “Meg … Sarah … this is Neela”. Neela is totally mortified and won’t look at them, or at McEgo. Deej leaves, disgusted. Trixie’s got her right hand on her hip and is checking out her fingernails. She smiles wryly, walks over and picks up a glass on the table and sarcastically says “How many times do I have to tell you, Tony? When you leave the glass directly on the wood, it leaves a stain”, then turns to leave. Neela closes her eyes and shakes her head, like she can’t believe what’s just happened. McEgo scratches his head then pets the roadkill as he raises his eyebrows like “Oh well”. McSchmuck.
Sam and Splinter are walking down the hall. She asks if he’s hungry and he says he’s starving. She tells him to just let her get her stuff and they can pick something up at the “chicken place”. What? No trash bags? They go into the lounge to find a bunch of food spread out on a decorated banquet table, complete with Thanksgiving themed paper products and lit candles, and Ray, Phoebe, Malik, Pratt, Tina and Weaver all helping themselves and chatting convivially. Camera pans over towards the lockers where there’s another table set up and decorated for dining. Luka’s sitting at the opposite head of the table, next to Abby, who has MoJo standing on her lap. MoJo’s looking back at her and she’s tilting her head, talking to him and smiling as Luka’s leaning in close and playing with MoJo. Awww … They look so cute and such the happy family. Luka looks up and sees Sam and Splinter. He calls over “Happy Thanksgiving” to them and points them over to the food, telling them to help themselves. Did Luka do all this? Awww. How amazingly wonderful is he? Since Abby couldn’t get home to them, he brought Thanksgiving to her? How sweet is that? … Bitch … Sam thanks him and she and Splinter head over to the buffet as Moby and Darlene enter. Moby’s carrying something and calls out “Tofu-rkey” anyone?” Everyone at the food table turns and frowns at this latest offering and Pratt pretty much speaking for most of them says “Uh … no”. Tina smiles and says she’ll try it. Darlene seems impressed and asks Moby if he’s really a vegan. He thinks that surgeons just shouldn’t be carnivores and it’s a known fact. Darlene smiles at this … Now, something meets Boy, and something meets Girl … They both look the same … They're overjoyed in this world …Same hair, revolution … Unisex, evolution … Tomorrow who's gonna fuss … And they love each other so … Androgynous … Everyone’s grabbing up all the food. Malik asks “What the hell is that?” and Ray says that it looks like “milk Jell-o”. Phoebe says that it’s “coconut flan” and that it’s “killer”. What a spread … Good job, Luka. Though I’m not seeing any marinated giblets … Guess you’re saving those for Abby … Bitch … Phoebe asks Weaver if she remembers her and re-introduces herself. Weaver shakes her hand and asks how she is. Phoebe says that she started her ER rotation about an hour ago. Weaver hopes Ray is giving her the “lay of the land”. Phoebe says that he is, definitely. Hee. Pratt smirks and gives Ray a look. Weaver’s asking Tina how she how she can stay so skinny and eat so much. Tina says “Look who’s talking, little Skinny Minnie” and pinches Weaver around the waist affectionately. Pratt chimes in that it seems like good genes to him. Weaver and Tina grin at him and Tina asks him if he wants to come over and watch some football with them tomorrow. Pratt looks at Weaver, shaking his head and muttering “Damn, you’re lucky” as Weaver gives him a “Don’t I know it” smile. Hee.
As everyone clears away from the table to go sit and eat, Abby, MoJo and Luka walk over to it. Abby tells him that she can’t believe he made all of that. He charmingly says “Well, maybe I cheated a little” and grins at her. Damn, Luka’s looking hot in his Flight of Fancy-esque t-shirt-under-grey-sweater and jeans ensemble. Yum. Abby’s holding MoJo, who’s clothed in camouflage again, though in the brown palette, rather than the assorted “Luka Blues”. And this version of MoJo is adorable, too. He’s staring up, mesmerized by something. I thought it might be Luka who is so captivating him, in which case I would so be with you, MoJo, but he’s looking in the wrong direction so I have to conclude it’s a light fixture or the microphone that’s got him so transfixed. Abby looks down at MoJo, considering something. As the Poignant Piano starts up again, she turns to Luka, saying to him quietly and heartfelt, “If anything happens to me, you’ll remember that Joe likes strawberries but raspberries give him hives, right?” Wow … Abby really was affected by what happened with Melanie. Even though it wasn’t too bright of her to run back onto that unstable bus, it seems like she’s really realized how close she came to buying it today. Luka wants to know what she’s talking about as she goes on “And if you put the ceiling fan on in the bathroom, he doesn’t cry when he’s in the tub”. Luka touches her arm and assures her that he knows that. MoJo’s reaching up and touching her mouth as Abby grabs and holds his hand, telling Luka that it is “absolutely mandatory that he be exposed to everything Stevie Wonder recorded in the ‘70’s”. Oh, I am sooooo with you on the pre-I Just Called to Say I Love You/Ebony & Ivory, Stevie, Abby. The man’s a musical genius. Luka gets that there’s something very wrong and looks at her a little troubled, wondering what’s happened as Moby, at the table behind him, tells Abby that the trauma she choppered in did well in the OR. Abby seems really relieved to hear that Melanie’s doing okay. She tells Moby that’s great. Luka hasn’t taken his eyes off her, worriedly watching her. He turns a little towards Moby when he says that Melanie required over 12 units, but is holding her own in Recovery. Abby thanks him as MoJo has his head tilted all the way back now to get a good gander at whatever the hell he’s looking at. Abby again looks at Luka as he asks her tenderly, voice full of concern, “Are you okay?” Still gazing intently at her, he asks how the transpo went. Abby shrugs, obviously bothered but trying to be nonchalant, then looks over at the dining table, where everyone’s eating, joking, teasing each other, and genuinely having a good time. Abby grins and shrugs again, before looking back over at a worried Luka. Not wanting to ruin the holiday, she smiles at him and trying to brush it off, says that it’s Thanksgiving and she’ll tell him tomorrow. He doesn’t look very comforted, but realizes that she doesn’t want to talk about it right now and carrying two drinks, follows her as she heads back to their seats. Just drinks? Aren’t they going to get anything to eat? Weird. Abby sits down, though Luka hasn’t yet, as Pratt stands up and proposes a toast to Dr. Kovac, “or ‘Chef Kovac’ as he wants to be called” as Abby looks up at Luka, grinning kind of proudly at him as everyone raises their cups in salute to him. Nice scene and a touching ending to a very well done episode.
posted by CrankyRecaps @ 7:05 AM
14 comments
14 Comments:
ohh Cranky,
you're a real Xmas angel!!!
now I'll have some interesting reading to keep me busy.
Merry Xmas and happy new year!
I missed you, realy.
Thank´s for the recap.
And Merry Xmas!!
Yay, yay, yay!!! Oh, how I've missed you, Cranky. Fantastic recap, as usual. I love the continuous NewsRadio references. Thanks so much for remembering us. Hope you have a naughty Christmas of your own.
Thank you for taking the time during this busy season. I've been checking every day! Great, as usual.
That was great! funniest yet!
I was reading this in the library, so I couldn't LOL like I wanted to. Very well done - as always.
SWEET reading, Cranky! You just gave me the bestest Christmas present ever!! Have a good one yourself...
Larue
guess what I asked Santa this year ????
"Steam Boy" complete with accessories!
have the best Xmas ever!!
I loved your recap! I really can't wait for your next two, especially City of Mercy...lots of McEgo there...:) Have a great holiday!
As someone who may have a wav file of the Wonder Woman theme song on my desktop at work I have to say...best recap ever. Long time reader first time responder. Great work Cranky! You simply rock.
Another great recap! Me and my friends are hooked with your recaps and use your style of thinking in our everyday life. We like to call ourselves "Crank Heads".
Anywho, we'll be patiently waiting for your next installments because it's not like we check the page every 5 minutes every day to see if the new one is up. ;)
So take your time Cranky. We love ya!
Thanks Cranky for an amazing X-mas present!
Merry Christmas for you and your family!
Just one small correction, if I may, Cranky. Jamie Sommers spells her name "Jaime," which of course should be pronounced HI-may, but for some reason isn't.
How do I know this? Because my small brain is crowded with useless 70s TV trivia, as is yours. Also, my sister and I received the bionic woman and man dolls one Christmas.
Otherwise, great blog as usual. Happy holidays to you and the whole Cranky family!
this was the funniest recap ive read! i was laughing like an idiot while reading it. i love the references to other shows and the names you gave people from them. hillarious! great job!
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