Letter to Santa
Dear Santa Claus,
Hey, guess what? I saw Mommy kissing Rudolph underneath our tree last night. They didn’t see me sneak downstairs to have a peek. They thought that I was tucked up with my assorted frogs in my mustard-yellow colored bedroom, fast asleep. And I guess it didn’t occur to them that I’d be sneaking, probably because I don’t know how to even crawl yet. Let alone type or spell … Hmmm … You know, Santa, I think you might want to tell Rudolph that he better watch out, better not cry … Don’t think “a laugh” is what it would have been if Daddy had only seen … Although I have to say how I was actually very impressed with Rudolph’s manual dexterity – he was very quick with the unwrapping for someone on all fours.
Anyway, I have been very good this year. What with, you know, almost dying and all shortly after my birth, I’m thinking I probably deserve some really good stuff. And I’ve been a real help to my mommy and daddy – I make sure I quiet down fairly quickly when they sing The Clash, not only because they’re really both pretty terrible and it’s better to get it over with as quickly as possible (for my sake, you should probably bring them Singing Coach this year) but also because they sure seem to get testy if they don’t get to maximize the volume in the Hair Salon as often as possible. Talk about cranky. Maybe you can bring me my own Playmobil Beauty Salon so I can see what all the fuss is about … Though if I’m going for career toys, I could play superhero like Mom with the Playmobil Air Rescue Chopper.
Please bring all this stuff for the people in my life:
For my mommy, please bring her:
Warning: Elf With An Attitude” coffee mug, for when she partakes of Daddy’s Turkish mud
A client subscription to Crimpers, Management Software for Fine Salons & Day Spas, to help her budget her time between the Salon and the ER – though Daddy’s her boss and he apparently doesn’t seem to mind all the time she spends in the Spa …
For my daddy:
A gift certificate to Bird-Be-Gone, so we can get rid of that pesky stalker guy and maybe Dad can chill out
A bubble-shield set, complete with an apartment-sized dome for the
Maybe you can give Dad some peace-of-mind in general by just equipping our
Dual Identity Bat-sensor (to keep out two-faced exes that are currently out of the country)
Bat-analyst (also called Bat-analyzer, lists the chemical components of an item using ultraviolet light – Mommy and Auntie Susan might have found this useful when they were analyzing Dr. Chen’s Monica Lewinsky sweater a couple of years ago)
Bat-spectrograph Criminal Analyzer (records biological information of anyone in close range – convenient for proving my paternity to smirky skeptics)
Bat-sound Analyzer (analyzes background sounds – Um, probably have to keep this equipment out of the Salon)
Automatic Bat-alarm for Detecting Phone Detecting Equipment (would need to be specially modified for Mom’s red cell phone)
Diversionary Bat-phone Lines (prevents tracing of red cell phones from third-world countries )
Brainwave Bat-analyzer (checks the areas of the brain one at a time for tampering – would have to have shut-off switch in the unlikely case of Uncle Archie visiting)
Electronic Translator (give it foreign writing and it displays English text on screen – could come in handy for Mom when Dad gets going in the Croatian)
Emergency Bat-tunnel (leads from
Bat-naps (for cleaning dirty bat-costumes, but I think it could be modified for dirty bat-diapers, too – I think both my parents would appreciate this)
Electronic Hair Bat-analyzer (would be useful for identifying bad hair days in the Salon)
Criminal Analyzing Bat-sensor (also good for detecting overly active egos within the vicinity)
Electronic Bugging Devices (in the shape of small amphibians – my frog collection would be perfect to convert for this)
Anti-crime Auxiliary Power Generator (supplies power and illumination to the
Bat-scanner and Homing Transmitter (the transmitter is placed on the object wished to be tracked and the signal is picked up by the Bat-scanner – I think Daddy would require a couple of transmitters – one for Mom’s red cell phone and one for my diaper backpack; I would suggest them for my frogs, but I tend to lose them on a regular basis)
Compressed Steam Bat Pole Lift (for carrying Batman and Robin up the bat poles, but apparently Mom and Dad plan other uses for this …)
Automatic Costume Change Device (the mechanism which changed Batman and Robin into their crime-fighting attire as they slide down the bat-poles, and vice versa, but I think Mom and Dad could use this for quick Christmas costume changing)
Bat-extension (a second Bat-phone that can be carried around the Bat Cave when working up in hard-to-reach places – could also double as a baby monitor, because Dad was wrong, we do need one)
Bat-spot Analyzer (used to detect bald spots and thinning hair within a one-mile radius of the
For my Auntie Neela, because she’s really been putting herself at risk of catching something nasty lately:
Full body armor
Complete round of vaccination shots
A year’s supply of Raid
A waterproof face guard – to protect against the stubble burn and the mildew
For Uncle Ray:
A copy of Dad’s book: "Win, Win - Loser": How to Come Out on Top in a Love Triangle, by Dr. Luka Kovac
- Learn why Q-ratings aren't obstacles to true love.
- Don't let shower scenes get you down.
- How to fake your death at a pivotal moment.
- The importance of symbolic Christmas gifting.
- How to make the most of longing looks and backward glances.
- And much, much more.
- With a Foreword by David "Snowglobe" Zabel
Then maybe next year you give Auntie Neela and him Start Your Own Hair Salon and Day Spa
Speaking of books, maybe you can send my dad’s sleazy ex, Sam,
An automatic tweezer from Tweezerman, since she’s got some serious Splinter removal to do
And now for me … This year, I hope you will bring me some good loot. Some things that I would like this year are:
A new squeaky elephant, since the one I have is kind of squished – and that’s just gross Mom and Dad … Ewww …
A membership in Amphibians Anonymous, because I’ve really got to get a handle on this frog fetish
Since Daddy says girls don’t like guys who wear their food, I could definitely use one of these bibs
And once I get the slobbering food thing under control, I’d appreciate that hot Brazilian nanny, please … though Mom didn’t seem as fond of her as Dad did … So maybe I should just ask for the Russian Dominatrix nanny instead … and then:
I left you some milk and cookies, if Rudolph and that skanky dwarf I saw him with earlier didn’t get to it first. I also left a pair of night-vision goggles on the table for you to use – it can get pretty dark in here sometimes.
Mongo Joe Kovac