Tuesday, March 13, 2007

ER 13.13 A House Divided

For those who have been emailing me asking, the answer is yes – I am trying to get caught up on the recaps before the next new episode. But seeing as what a sludge it was to get through this one, it’s seems I’ve lost quite a bit of whatever sort of knack I may have had for actually doing these things. So, I’m begging your indulgence as I overindulge frequently in a futile effort to track down the funny … or at least destroy enough brain cells to where it just doesn’t matter anymore … Considering what happens in the next ep on the list to recap, I may just have to move in next door to Sam’s Gaudy Ganja Growing Grandma Gracie just to be able to get through it … Shudders …

Oh, and to the person who commented on the last post asking if I quote NewsRadio in every recap – well, all I can say is that I am a cipher … cipher … wrapped in an enigma … smothered in secret sauce …

Previously on ER: Angela from Staff Services, who reminds me of Iman, asks Pratt if he worked on “a Edgar Dixon” today, which Pratt says he did and wants to know what’s up and Iman tells him that First Mission Baptist is dispensing meds without a pharmacy license; Luka tells a guilt-stricken Pratt that it’s a felony and that a man died; In the park with her son Mongo Joe Kovac, or MoJo for short, Abby meets Curtis Ames, aka Forest Whitaker, who played Charlie Parker in Bird but doesn’t know and thanks him for buying her a hot dog which he tells her was his pleasure; As Abby pushes MoJo’s stroller away, Bird yells out “I’ll catch you later, Joe!”; Sam asks her Gaudy Grandma, Gracie, how long she’s staying and Gaudy replies “Just till you throw me out, and not a bit longer”; At Ike’s, Abby introduces Luka to the guy she’s been talking to, who’s played by Fred Ward, who was ‘80’s action hero Remo Williams, though she doesn’t know his name so he has to supply it as “Eddie” and Luka looks none too happy to be making his acquaintance; Sam locks lips with Ben, the male nurse, played by Kip Pardue, who was Sunshine in Return of the Titans; Intern Tony Gates, aka John Stamos, aka Uncle Jesse from Full House, whom I prefer to refer to as Uncle Ego, or McEgo for his real-life and on-the-show self-love, is assuring Neela that “nobody called you a whore”, but Sarah who reminds of one of the Tanner kids from Full House so I’ve taken to calling her Deej, protests that her mom, McEgo’s live-in former bang buddy, Meg, played by Paula Malcomson, who was Trixie on Deadwood, did and a pissed-off Neela insists that Deej’s mom is mistaken; Luka tries to keep a heading-out-the-door Weaver from leaving by telling her that he’s going to find budget cuts somewhere else and that there is no way they are losing her for which Weaver thanks him but says “I resigned”, as a stunned Luka, and Pratt behind him, just stare at her.

Meanwhile, in Luka’s Bat Cave apartment, … which really has gotten much brighter and cheerier since Abby’s moved in, MoJo was born, and the full-time Hair Salon and Day Spa opened up – must be the sun lamps … Bitch … Abby is on the phone relaying a message for someone that she’s gotten lab results and that “he” needs to come in and discuss them. Behind her, we can see the widescreen flat panel TV is tuned to the Channel 6 news. Voice on the telephone tells her that she’ll give “him” the message and Abby thanks her and hangs up. Luka, who’s been listening, is standing over at the kitchen counter. As he pours himself some coffee and is purposely not looking at Abby, he asks in what seems like it’s supposed to be a conversational tone but is really a “this kind of irritates me” thing, “Since when do we call our patients from home?” Picking up an empty cereal bowl, Abby crosses behind him and says that she was “worried about this guy” and wants to make sure he gets seen. And Abby and Luka are wearing like the exact same monochromatic outfits – dark-colored turtlenecks and pants, though Abby’s is dark brown and Luka’s is black. They’ve been doing a lot of the color-coordinating, matching outfit things – even getting MoJo into the act when they were all family picture-y fashionably frocked during the hilariously nutty nanny nonsense interviews in Jigsaw. As Abby puts the bowl in the sink, Luka, with his back to her and moving towards the table, wants to know “Isn’t that the job for his primary care physician?” Abby answers that he doesn’t have one as she puts a gallon of milk in the fridge. Glancing over at her before turning back to pour what must be half-and-half into his coffee … because really, why would they have a quart of milk besides the gallon? … he tells her pointedly “Well, there’s no incentive to get one if you’re going to make ‘house calls’ “. Hmm … Could it be? … Is it possible? Is Luka actually … jealous? Sure sounds like it. Abby closes the refrigerator and chews on the inside of her mouth a bit while looking at Luka’s back … and I so don’t blame you for admiring that view, Abby … Bitch … Looking like she’s trying to decide how to approach his apparent annoyance, her expression says he’s probably not going to like what she’s about to say either. Turning on the water to rinse out the bowl, Abby decides on the sarcastic “it’s really not that big a deal” route as she explains that she phoned the patient’s hotel to make sure he comes in for follow-up. Luka ears perk up at this, and he turns around to look at her, asking deliberately “Hotel?” Uh oh … Luka doesn’t seem too pleased with this bit of information … probably because he was pretty sure that he was the only hotel-dweller she made house calls to … and that she best not be giving anyone else the special deep moisturizing treatment she gave him when she showed up at his hotel room in Flight of Fancy back in Season 7 … Bitch … Cleaning the bowl, Abby says “Yes … he’s from out of town”. Luka wants to know who this guy is. Abby tells him that it’s “Eddie Jackson” and reminds him that he met him. Luka doesn’t say anything, but sort of rolls his eyes as he turns back to stir his coffee. Knowing that he’s purposely not saying something, Abby asks “What?” Luka shrugs, not looking at her, and says in a tone that so implies otherwise “Nothing”. Luka licks his coffee spoon … and oh, how much do I wish I were an everyday stainless steel utensil right about now ... Abby wants to know why he’s acting weird as we see her backpack and some of MoJo’s stuffed toys on top of the white placemats on the table in front of Luka and a baby swing off to the side behind him. Speaking of … where is MoJo? Is he not up yet? Damn, I wish my kids would sleep long enough to allow me to finish breakfast and argue with Mr. Cranky in the morning. Little bastards … Still shrugging, and still not really looking at Abby, Luka tells her that he just thinks it’s “a little strange the amount of personal attention you seem to be giving to some guy … you met … in a bar”. Ooh … he really is jealous, isn’t he? He looks over and raises his eyes all mock innocently at her, pretending like it’s not actually bothering him for the reason it really is bothering him. Abby looks kind of amused in a sort of “you’ve really got to be kidding me about this” way, like she realizes exactly why this bugs him so much, and can’t believe it … Which I can’t either, because, duh, Luka … Have you seen you? Like she would choose a shar-pei, or anyone for that matter, over you … She’s not Sam, after all -- who’s got her own set of issues with the cuckoo for kicking you to the curb … Lunatic … I mean, yeah, Abby may have the dormant crazy gene from her mom, Manic Maggie, in there somewhere, but she’s never shown that degree of insanity … Except for the time she actually thought being with Carter was a good idea … That was certifiable … And nauseating … And did absolutely nothing for her hair … But because she’s been looking so fab since you two started playing Hairdresser and her Shampoo Boy on a 24/7, live-in basis … Bitch … I highly doubt she’s looking at craggy old fossils – no offense, Remo – for her highlights and body waves … Bitch … And considering Abby’s apparent amusement, I’m thinking she’s got to be just a bit tickled to get this kind of reaction out of him, seeing as how, deluded as she was at the time, she had once told Carter that Luka doesn’t get jealous – ever

McEgo is packing up his stuff as Trixie bitches at him for not telling Deej that he’s moving out. He claims that he didn’t see her, but it’s obvious that he’s just trying to make a quick getaway. Nice, McWalkout. Trixie thought he was going to talk to Deej “last night”, and he’s all with the excuses that he got home so late, and Deej was all excited about how she did on her history presentation, and there was an earthquake, and a tornado, and a hurricane, and his dog ate his homework, and he was dead at the time, and it was a vast right-wing conspiracy, and he had to take his roadkill facial hair to the vet … He says that he is going to tell Deej, but Trixie complains that he’s being saying that for a week. She tells him that Deej needs to hear it from him and to know that it was his idea, or she thinks “otherwise, she’ll never forgive me”. McEgo promises that he will tell Deej tonight, but Trixie just shakes her head, because she’s pretty sure he’ll just put it off again when the vet’s test results come back on the roadkill and prove that John Stamos Has Rabies

Ray and McEgo are at the Board, bitching about all the diarrhea and vomiting … Well, hey, maybe if you two shaved once in awhile, the McRoadkill and your pornstache wouldn’t induce gastrointestinal distress in me, Ray. McEgo complains that there haven’t been any decent traumas during his last three shifts and that “people are getting too damned careful these days”. I don’t know if it’s that, McEgo, or that they heard about you and Neela getting together and are going elsewhere because they really don’t want to risk being infected with the Egola virus … Sam, who is standing behind them, hangs up the phone and tells them that a chopper’s bringing in some kind of snowmobile accident. McEgo channels his first grade self … from last year … and slaps Ray on the shoulder, saying “Called it!” and rushing off towards the elevator. Ray looks after him with a “that is so childish” scowl, then gives into his own inner child and chases after McEgo.

At the elevator, McEgo is repeatedly pushing the elevator button. Like all of sudden the elevator’s going to think “Shit, there’s like a dozen people down there, I better get going” … McMoron. Ray passes behind him, shakes his head and hurries towards the stairs, hoping McEgo doesn’t see him. Before he can get there, the elevator dings. When it opens up, a typical flight nurse is bringing in a kid strapped to a gurney. McEgo asks if this is from the snowmobile accident and Typical says that it’s one of them and that the kid’s name is Clark Sunberg, he’s 13, and he lost control of the snowmobile and hit a fence. Clark says that it was an accident and he was trying to turn. Then he asks where “Dennis” is. Typical says that they are unloading the older brother, but he thinks Clark got the worst of it, adding that Dennis carried Clark almost a mile to get help. Well, he ain’t heavy … he’s your brother, huh, Dennis? Clark asks if he can be in the same room with Dennis as Ray checks his eyes. Clark says that it hurts to breathe and Ray tells him to try not to talk. Ray tells McEgo to go up to the roof and grab the next one and that he’ll take Clark. Then they both do the “Nah, I got this one” competition as Abby and Luka come down the stairs behind them. Uh oh … Luka’s in a scrub shirt. Never a good sign. And what happened to the yummy Hindsight-esque black turtleneck? I hope Luka’s Mood Ring/Shirt Choice isn’t implying that he’s still ridiculously reasoning Remo’s rival rating … Oh, Luka … Cute but clueless, as ever … They walk over to the gurney as Ray bitches to McEgo that Clark needs someone who knows how to treat him. McEgo says that he’ll call Ray if he needs him. Luka tells them to knock off the teenage tug-of-war and takes the chart from McEgo. Ray wants to know who gets this patient. With a “I am so tired of Jackass Junior High-jinks” sigh, Luka says “Me … If you’re going to act like babies, then that’s how I’ll treat you”. Hee. I love when Luka lays the parental smackdown. Abby tells Luka that Clark’s sat’s are dropping as McEgo and Ray glare at each other. Luka hands the ambu-bag to Typical and tells him to bag Clark, then tells Abby to run ahead and intubate as they move Clark’s gurney towards the trauma rooms. Getting on the elevator, Ray and McEgo bicker back and forth like my seven-year old twins with “It’s your fault”, “No, it’s yours”, “Nuh uh”, “Yuh huh”, “Shut up”, “You shut up”, “Mom always liked me best”, “Poopy head”, “You’re the Poopy Head”, “You’re a double Poopy Head”, “You’re a Poopy Head infinity” … Ray “Yeah, right” ‘s him. McEgo then ego’s, “I am right” and Ray wags a finger at him, admonishing “Don’t be an idiot”. McEgo “Poopy Head” ‘s him one last time with “Ass for brains” as the elevator door closes, thus ending today’s edition of Romper Room.

Bunch of people dressed in dark colors are milling around a house, eating food. We hear Pastor Watkins saying that the only thing Edgar ever talked about was football as the camera pans over to show a somber-suited Pratt looking out the window. He turns as he hears Pastor relating an Edgar story. Pratt takes a deep breath and enters the room where Pastor is sitting with a few people, one of them being Mrs. Edgar. Pastor’s saying that he offered to help Edgar with a problem, but Edgar didn’t think he could help. Pastor told him that he knew someone who can, and that “God always listens” as Mrs. Edgar and the fellow mourners “Amen”. Pastor had been holding a picture of Edgar and puts it back on the table behind him. He spots Pratt and acknowledges him. Pratt tells him that it was a nice service and Pastor thanks him. A sad Pratt makes his way over to Mrs. Edgar and passes on his condolences. Pratt tells her that he just wants to let her know that if there’s anything he can do, please don’t hesitate to call the hospital. Mrs. Edgar reaches her hand to clasp Pratt’s, thanking him. She thanks him again in a tone that pretty much lets him know that she’s absolving him of blame for Edgar’s death, even though Pratt doesn’t look like he’ll be absolving himself any time soon as the Opening funky graphic montage starts.

After commercial, Pratt walks out of a doorway onto the sidewalk. Pastor follows, calling after him. Pastor tells him that the Medical Board called him and they’re issuing a letter for them to cease and desist their drug program. Pratt’s not surprised at that, but is when Pastor says that he told the Board to “go to Hell”. Nice, Pastor. Kiss your congregation with that mouth? Pastor explains that the Board doesn’t understand what they’re doing, but Pratt thinks they have a pretty clear idea now. Pratt admits that he likes what Pastor is doing but doesn’t think it works, because people need a continuity of care and the church clinic isn’t open every day. Pastor asks him how many people he thinks they’ve helped since they started this program. Pratt just says that he’s sorry. Pastor tells him that they’re not giving up on the program, but Pratt thinks Pastor’s headed for trouble. Pastor protests that his people have nowhere else to turn and insists “they’re already in trouble”. Pratt shakes his head saying, “I’m out”, and walks away.

In Trauma Yellow, Sunshine tells Abby that Clark’s sats are drifting into the ‘70’s. Oh, you so don’t want that, Clark. Bell-bottoms, disco, platform shoes, thinking fluorescent orange and lime green actually go together … Shudders … Sam says “C’mon, Clark, stay with us” as Abby’s still trying to intubate. Luka asks her if she wants him to do it, but she says “no”. He asks if she’s sure and she looks up at him pointedly hissing, “Yessss … If you want to help, you can give me some crichoid”. Luka glances at her and poutily purses his lips as he applies pressure to Clark’s neck. Sunshine asks Luka what he wants and Luka starts to order CBC, LFT, chem 7 and Abby interrupts, “I’m in … Bag him”. Luka eyes her again as he adds “UA and a blood gas”. Abby says “He’s probably not going to need that”, as Sam’s looks at her like “Uh, did you really just contradict Luka’s order?” Luka’s definitely not happy about it, but because Abby apparently never gave him his balls back after they saw Napoleon Dynamite and then decided to play Schoolgirl and her Tetherball Pole, he doesn’t say anything, as usual. As he puts on his stethoscope to listen to Clark’s chest, he glances over at Abby, who’s moved to the other side of the table, doing the same thing with her stethoscope. Luka says that it’s decreased on the left and tells Abby to pull back the ET tube, but she comes back at him that she stopped just past the chords. Looking at her purposely, Luka superciliously says that it’s obviously not and repeats for her to pull back on the tube. Abby raises her eyebrows like she’s just possibly gotten a whiff of something barnyard and sports an “oh, okay, so that’s how it is” expression, realizing that Luka’s High Horse of Moral Superiority may be just about to trot on in and since she’s really not wanting to clean up after it, she reaches for the tube. Oh, I get it … the theme of this ep so far is poor professionalism perpetuating pointlessly pre-pubescent playground pissing contests. Considering Abby and Luka partook in a similar competition last episode, and the seemingly imminent return of the Equus, I’m thinking it must be another new Salon spice-up game they’re playing, Gladiator Girl and her Human Chariot … and I am so with you on the Luka in a loincloth thing, Abby … Yum … and … Bitch … Sunshine says that he’s going to call the blood bank as Sam, who totally gets that whatever is going on between Abby and Luka has nothing to do with this patient, tells him she thinks that’s a good idea and moves away, probably because she knows a bit about ancient Rome and is afraid onlookers may get tossed into the lion’s den … Listening again with her stethoscope, Abby says that the breath sounds are still decreased and calls for sterile sixes and a chest tube tray. Luka tells her to hold on and not “jump the gun”. Abby comes back at him that Clark has a bruise and bad sats, and she’s “not jumping the gun, it’s a pneumothorax”. Luka prettily purses his lips again, staring at her as she gives him a challenging look back while she rips off her gloves. Sam says that she’ll call for a portable chest. Really, Sam, I don’t think this is the time to be contacting your plastic surgeon about your order … unless it’s for the Botox, because, honey, those wispy bangs you got going on sure ain’t sufficiently covering the perma-scowl line tattooed on your forehead … And are you going for the whole boobs-n’-booty ensemble? Because there’s probably a discount on the package deal and looking at these compared to your those and that, I’m thinking you might want to look into it … Luka thinks that’s good, probably because he’s seen Sam’s accoutrements up close and knows they could use some aid ... Though, you know, Abby is already annoyed enough with you as it is, Luka, so unless you want your Salon privileges permanently revoked I’m thinking you might not want to show so much interest in your ex’s proportional enhancements while your current Stylist is in the room … Just saying … Abby says that 20% of all pneumothoraces are missed on x-rays, then looks at Luka gloatingly like she’s about to get him with a zinger and says in a wry tone, “You taught me that”. Luka nods condescendingly to her and answers sarcastically, “Nice to know you were listening”. Hee. I so love snarky Luka. Abby stops and stares at him with a eye-widening, eyebrows-up look that’s both a little surprised that he came back with that and actually topped her … because she was evidently pretty confident that she still had his balls safely stowed away … and also maybe a wee bit admiringly giving him kudos for doing so. She holds his look for a second like she’s trying to figure out how long this snotty skirmish is going to go on and whether she should rent the togas for another week. Luka then says patronizingly that they have time to look at the films before they start cutting, as he never stops looking at her, his lips pressed together tightly like he’s either suppressing a belch … and if so, then curtailing the expulsion of gas from the digestive tract has never been so sexy … or he’s trying to convey to her just how displeased he is with what’s going on. Sunshine asks “What about the sliding lung sign?” Abby breaks her stare away from Luka to look questioningly over at him, and Luka does the same, probably because they’re wondering how he dares to break up their snitty party … And I’m really feeling sorry for you, Clark, because not only are you screwed by being in Trauma Yellow, which is so not the trauma room of survival on this show, but you’ve got Mr. and Mrs. …. Oh wait … they’re not married … they just act like they are … Mr. and Ms. … or really, I guess it should be “Dr. and Dr.” … Snippy McPissyPants sniping at each other under the pretext of actually providing proper medical care for you … Yeah, you’re really getting dicked … Clark …

Looking at x-rays in Trauma Green, Ray says that there is no hemothorax or rib fractures. He moves over to the table to examine a kid, who must be Dennis. Dennis is looking over into Trauma Yellow and wants to know what is happening with Clark and why he isn’t sitting up. Lily tells him that they’ve put a tube down Clark’s throat to help him breathe, as Ray looks at Clark’s eyes and McEgo listens to his belly. McEgo says that Dennis has good bowel sounds. Dennis says that Clark had the wind knocked out of him and that he had to carry him to the road. Ray thinks it’s a good thing that he did, as we see into Trauma Yellow from Clark’s point of view, just in time to catch The Battling Bickersons glaring at each other yet again. McEgo presses on Dennis’ stomach and asks if anything is sore, but Dennis isn’t paying any attention to him – which I am so with you on, Dennis – and is instead focused on the fact that Clark kept begging him to let him drive the snowmobile and that “his father’s going to kill me”. Ray’s pornstache thought that Dennis and Clark were brothers. Dennis explains that they’re stepbrothers and that his dad died when he was little and his mom remarried in August. He says that his stepfather already thinks he’s a screw-up, so this isn’t going to help. Didn’t they do this storyline already? Back in Season 8 in Partly Cloudy, Chance of Rain with Mark Greene’s and Abby’s patient whose little brother almost drowned and the stepdad blamed him? If they really are revisiting that ep, no wonder Luka’s in such a bad mood – that was the one where he found out his kleptomaniac charity project/live-in pseudo-girlfriend Nicole the Fired French Floozy was pregnant. Though it would explain the whole bad vibes and irritation thing going on in the Salon, because with that storyline it was Abby that was bitten by the jealousy bug … McEgo presses on something that makes Dennis cry out “Ow!” McEgo tells Lily to call Surgery, but Ray thinks that it’s not a contusion, it’s an abrasion. Intern McEgo can’t believe that Third Year Resident Ray could possibly know what he’s talking about and retorts “He’s guarding!” Ray examines Dennis’ belly, says that he’s hemodynamically stable and his crit is good. Ray wants to get a CT of the belly and thinks that if it comes back normal, then they won’t have to waste the surgeon’s time. McEgo, still incredulous that Ray is not bowing to his swollen-headed supremacy, tells him that he’s going to have to disagree with his assessment. In a “so exactly why should I care?” tone, Ray says “Ah … okay”. McEgo moves to go into Trauma Green to “run it by Kovac”, but a pissed off Ray tells him “Let’s not”. McEgo turns around and gives him a “you dare to challenge my pretentious prevalence???” look. Ray says that he decides when they present to an Attending. Jeez … They really are returning to the past, aren’t they? I didn’t like this arrogant audacious authority accosting agitation when it was Resident John Carter and his Sanctimonious Smirk of Condescending Righteousness vs. Attending Luka Kovac and his High Horse of Moral Superiority back during their Juvenile Jealous Jousting Jaunt over Abby’s affections throughout Seasons 7 & 8 … Some things just really don’t need repeating, ER … Ugh … Especially since I seriously don’t care enough about Pornstache and the Roadkill to come up with nicknames for their similarly stupid swaggering sovereignty stances …

Close-up on Clark’s unconscious, beat-up face being bagged as we hear Abby say, kind of sarcastically “No lung sliding”. Camera shifts to show us the rest of the trauma as Sam asks Luka what the hell lung sliding is anyway. Luka, looking at the monitor while moving the ultrasound wand over Clark’s chest, grumpily mutters that normally there is lung movement on ultrasound, as Abby, still on the opposite side of the table, watches him again. Sunshine adds that if the movement’s not there, the lung must be partially deflated, as Abby looks quickly over at him, and then away with a disgusted kind of look on her face, like they’ve just proven what she knew all along. Sam looks at Sunshine and kids “Show-off”. He glances over at her, as she smiles and looks over towards Luka who is saying “Okay … chest tube tray to Abby”. Abby’s a little surprised at this, raises her eyebrows sardonically and just looks at him. Noticing her expression, Luka asks cynically, “What? You don’t want to do it now?” Still eyeing him with a slight wry grin and an air of “I told you so”, Abby replies dryly, “I wanted to do it fifteen minutes ago. A not-pleased-to-have-been-proven-wrong-and-lose-this-round-of-the-chariot-race Luka, gorgeously glum, glances over at her. She holds his look for a second, probably because she’s expecting a little acknowledgement from him for the fact that she was right, then shakes her head a bit disappointedly at him as she starts to prepare to put in the chest tube. Sunshine heads over to the phone, leaving an uncomfortable Sam bagging Clark, and standing in the line of fire. Sam waffles in the ill-fitting and unfamiliar role of peacemaker as she tries to alleviate the tension in the room by curiously channeling crazy chirpy cheerleader characteristics and saying a little too brightly “Well, it looks like Abby was right … and Luka confirmed the diagnosis … radiographically”. Luka, still prettily peevishly piqued, peeks over at Sam, then focuses his attention back on Clark, deliberately avoiding Abby’s gaze as she keeps staring at him, trying to get him to look at her. Sam, continuing the little Susie Sunshine routine - which she really should just give up, considering she and Sunshine have only had one kiss and it’s a little presumptuous of her to already start contemplating changing her name … or personality – bouncily rah-rah’s, “Good work, team”. Luka and Abby, too engrossed in their Roman role-playing racket, don’t seem to recognize or react to Sam’s transmogrification … Seriously, who is this Sam replicant? And did they really think they could switch them and we wouldn’t notice that she hasn’t been screeching like a howler monkey or tossing sutures kits all season? …

In the trauma hallway, McEgo is bitching into the phone because no one from Surgery has come down for the consult yet. And of course he just went ahead and disobeyed Ray … McMutiny … Neela approaches and asks if he called for a consult and he smarmily quips “No, actually I dialed the ‘Hot Surgeons Hotline’ “ … Ugh … McSexualHarrassment … Neela doesn’t respond to this and asks him which room. He’s a little put off that she isn’t swooning in the face of his self-designated magnificence and commenting that he looks “sexy in that white suit”. Maybe Neela’s actually found an Egola vaccine, because she just ignores him and keeps going. He stops her and asks what’s wrong. She sarcastically asks him “you mean besides the fact that the last time I saw you the woman that you live with practically assaulted me and her daughter called me a ‘whore’?” I think you might be exaggerating a little, Neela … well, not about the ‘whore’ part, because let’s face it, if you continue to indulge in your facial fur fetish, I’m sure I’ll be calling you a lot worse … but I don’t know that Trixie “practically assaulted” you – unlike the fact that McEgo actually did assault her when he roughly threw her up against the wall … McBatterer … He says that he told her that he was sorry, and adds that he doesn’t live with Trixie anymore, or not for long anyway. Neela just looks at him skeptically. She asks how Deej is and McEgo, rather than admit his McAvoidance on that particular front, says that they’re working through it.

Back in Trauma Yellow, Abby says that there’s no blood out and it’s not the chest because there’s zero form in the thoraseal. Luka thinks it could be a cardiac contusion. Eyeing Abby, he says to get a 12 lead and hold off on the blood until the tests comes back. Sunshine tells them that CT is ready and that he’ll take Clark up. Abby says that she’ll do it. Sunshine asks if she’s sure and she says “Yup … in case he crashes”. Luka’s still watching Abby and she shoots a “do you have a problem with that?” glare over at him as she gets the gurney ready to move. Having won this round but not getting her victory lap dance, … And I’m so with you on being disgruntled about that, Abby … Bitch … a thoroughly annoyed Abby pushes Clark out the door, leaving Luka standing there with his head down, but eyes following her. Luka throws a quick “there’s absolutely nothing wrong here, everything’s just peachy” fake grin at Sam before heading out. Sam moves over towards Sunshine, who comments flippantly “Well, that wasn’t awkward” as they both rip off their gloves. Sam thinks it’s further proof that workplace romance is a bad idea. Really, Nurse Ann Landers? Well, with you … yeah I’d think it so is. Sunshine seems a little put off by her saying that and replies “Is that so?” She tells him that he caught her off guard with that kiss the other night. Oh really, Sam? So whose lips were those that were kissing him back then, Nurse Denial? She then says that she has “a rule” against dating people from work. Oh, yeah, Sam? Since when? Guess it was more of a guideline really then, huh? Because you soooo followed that rule, Nurse Wretched, when you were taking Luka’s manhood … literally and figuratively … for two excruciatingly painful seasons, for him as well as the audience … Ugh … Sunshine asks “You do?” and she says that it’s “kind of a new rule”. Nice, Sam. I’m with you on the sentiment that those rules don’t apply to Luka, because let’s face it, the rules of nature don’t apply to Luka … yum … But since you ludicrously kicked the penultimate Pretty to the curb, Nurse Nutjob, you really should just take what you can get. And Sunshine’s kind of cute, in a corn-fed white-bread Bible-belt kind of way. He smiles a little uncomfortably as she tells him that it’s a “solid rule” and he gives her a quiet “that’s cool, really”. Yup … Don’t dip your pen in the company ink, that’s what I say … Don’t punch a clock with a timecard in your pants … They walk off in separate directions, but not without both looking back towards the other as they go.

Ray walks into Trauma Green with Dennis’ wicked stepfather. Ray introduces him to McEgo and Neela, whom Ray is obviously rather surprised to see there. Wicked asks where Clark is and McEgo tells him that they took Clark upstairs for more x-rays. Ray asks Neela if this is a “social visit”, but she tells him that McEgo asked for a consult, which does not sit well with Ray. An annoyed Wicked starts in on Dennis, who’s avoiding looking at him, “I hope you’re happy now”. Dennis tells him he’s sorry and says that they were being really careful, but Wicked thinks he apparently wasn’t since he put Clark in the hospital. Wicked says that he wants to see “his son” and demands to know where he is. Ray asks Lily if she can take Wicked to see Clark. Wicked points his finger at a scared Dennis and threatens “You better pray he’s alright” before walking out with Lily. Damn, Wicked really is wicked … and an asshole. Ray apologizes to Neela that she was brought down there and tells her that Dennis doesn’t need a consult. She says that she’s here now and she’s almost finished. Ray asks her if she can explain to McEgo why Dennis isn’t a good candidate for surgery. Neela replies “Actually, I’m suggesting we admit him for observation” as a smug McEgo turns to look at him superiorly … Ugh … McCarterWannabe. Ray wants to know why because Dennis’ kidneys look good and his liver and spleen appear to be normal. He sarcastically asks if he missed something on the CT. McEgo loftily declares that an occult injury could take time to declare itself and Neela agrees that he’s right. Ray protests that he’s not. From his lordly position, McEgo looks down on Ray and proclaims that the surgeon agrees with his assessment, then magnanimously bestows his favor upon Ray by telling him “Don’t worry, boss, I’m not one of those ‘I-told-you-so’ kids”. God, could they make him any more unappealing? Not content to just be on my last nerve, he’s got to throw it into the mosh pit and slam dance on it … It’s basically the same technique 60 Minutes uses to get that guy to admit he’s selling heroin to preschoolers … Ray asks Neela if he can speak to her outside. McEgo starts to go with them, but Ray tells him “Not you!”

Gracie the Gaudy Grandma and Sam’s son New Alex, or Newlex … but better known by me as Splinter for his chip off the old Plank type acting style that I just know he inherited from Neela’s dead wood husband, Gallant … walk into the ER. Sam says hi to them as Gaudy gets all excited about seeing Sunshine standing there and Splinter sullenly stalks off to plant himself in a chair at Admit. Sunshine asks Splinter what’s up, but he totally ignores all of them, even turning with his branches facing away. Sam says that Splinter is signing up for the “Volun-teen” program today. Gaudy mockingly says that he’s real excited about it, then tells them that she practically had to drag Splinter there by his leaves … I mean, “ears”. Sam tells him that even if he only volunteers a couple of hours a week it will still help on his college applications. Where’s he going to go, the Tree College of Knowledge to study forestry? Splinter sasses back “Why don’t you keep telling yourself that, Mom?” Gaudy tells him that when she was his age, she had two jobs. Splinter wants to know doing what, “milking the T-Rex?” Oh, Splinter, that is just so disrespectful … but … Hee … Gaudy tells him that she worked on a farm before school “smartass”, and at night she worked in a bakery. Sunshine offers to take Splinter to the Volunteer Center and show him around a bit. Sam thanks him, but Splinter thinks that he probably knows the hospital better than Sunshine does. Sunshine thinks that’s great and that Splinter can give him the tour because he “still can’t find the gift shop”, as he grabs Splinters bark, yanks him out of the chair by his roots and pretty much drags him away. Gaudy thinks Sunshine gets cuter every time she sees him. Gaudy tells Sam she should be going after him, but Sam thinks it’s a little “tricky” dating someone you work with. Gaudy wants to know what’s “tricky” about it, “Having sex without getting caught?” Nice, Gaudy. Kiss the trailer tramps with that mouth? Sam’s all “Gracie …” and Gaudy tells her that she knows what her life has been like, because all the women in their family are the same. What, white trash with a felon fetish, anger mismanagement tendencies, and serious hair issues? But no, apparently they are “fertile, allergic to chestnuts, prone to bladder infections … and we all have that damn gene that predisposes us to ‘bad boys’.” Will Smith and Martin Lawrence? Well, whatcha gonna do when they come for you, then Gaudy? Gaudy thinks that life is short, Sam deserves to be happy and she deserves a “good man”. Well, Gaudy, she not only had a “good man” she had the “perfect man” and she proved that the other thing that must run in your family is derangement because the dope dementedly dumped him. Gaudy thinks that if she likes him Sam should bask in the Sunshine.

Ray confronts Neela that the least she can do is give him an honest and professional opinion and she thinks she did. He scoffs at that and she wants to know how he would know because he’s not a surgeon. He retorts that neither is she, and she raises her eyebrows, disbelievingly. He starts to apologize and tell her that they established that she shouldn’t have come down there but she’s not listening because she’s bitching at him that she came down because she was asked for her professional opinion. As they continue to talk over each other he comes back at her that her opinion isn’t professional – it’s personal. She thinks if he’s going to disagree with her opinion that’s his prerogative as he continues that her visit down here was personal instead of professional as well. Pratt, who’s doing paperwork down the hall, overhears them arguing. As she’s saying that what he can’t do is accuse her of … He goes on without hearing her that “The reason you are siding with Gates is … because you’re SCREWING HIM”. Oh no, he di’n’t!!! Neela looks at him all shocked, and under her breath contemptuously spits out “I can’t believe you just said that!” A look of total understanding crosses Ray’s face and he says “So it’s true …” Neela protests “No! And even if it were, it’s none of your damned business!”, and thinks that it certainly has nothing to do with this case. Ray calmly thinks that it does if it’s clouding her judgment. She and Ray just stare at each other as McEgo bursts into the hallway, saying that maybe they should get an Attending to weigh in on this. Without breaking their glares, Neela and Ray both yell “No!”, causing McEgo to just turn around and head back towards the trauma room until he hears Pratt coming down the hall asking what the hell is going on. Nobody says anything, so Pratt goes all Vice Principal-ly on them and asks “Oh, so everything’s just all good now, huh?” Unless they want a week’s worth of detention, he thinks somebody better have a good explanation, and calls on Ray. Ray starts explaining Dennis’ condition, and tells Pratt that he’s got a normal CT, stable crit and BP. He says that McEgo wanted a surgical consult, even though Ray told him they didn’t need one, and McEgo decided to call Neela down here anyway. Playing class suck-up, McEgo asks Pratt, “Better safe than sorry, right?” But that shit don’t fly with Principal Pratt, who tells him that he was wrong and it wasn’t his call to make because Ray’s above him, and that if McEgo has a problem with a Resident or disagrees with his judgment, then he should call an Attending. McEgo protests that he wanted to present to Luka, and Ray says that he didn’t and that Luka was busy with another trauma anyway … and brandishing his sword for battle with his No So Vestal Virgin and Beautician … Bitch … Ray then tells Pratt that now Neela and McEgo have taken the hospital’s last surgical bed, and I really don’t need to know what kind of animal testing they’re going to be doing on it … Ewww … McEgo thinks Dennis needs 24 hour observation, but Pratt stops him and addresses Neela, telling her that she cannot give up the last surgical bed. Neela says that she needs to do a thorough exam and Pratt tells her to do it down here, but she comes back that they are already full up. Ray chimes in that then they should send Dennis home and have him come back in 12 hours for re-exam, and Pratt agrees. Neela gets her Surgeon on and starts with the pomposity “You know, I’m trying to help you guys here”, but Pratt thinks if she gives up the last bed to this kid then they can get stuck boarding a “real surgical trainwreck” down here for days. Pratt says that Dennis is Ray’s patient and it’s Ray’s call. Neela bitches “Fine, keep him down here. It’s less work for me”, and throws Ray one last icy glare before storming off. Ray thanks Pratt for backing him up, but Pratt just tells him that he’d “better be right”.

Luka’s walking down the hall, looking at a chart when Pratt comes up besides him and asks “Luka …” Since when does Pratt call Luka “Luka”? I don’t think I’ve ever heard Pratt refer to him as anything other than “Dr. Kovac” or just “Kovac”. You know, actually, I kind of like it. I like the relationship that Pratt and Luka have developed over the seasons and that they can talk to each other know as colleagues rather than as teacher-student. Pratt asks if Luka had a chance to talk to Iman about Edgar Dixon. Luka asks “Who?” and Pratt fills him in that Edgar was the patient from the church clinic. Luka remembers now, and rubbing his right eye a little tiredly, probably because fighting with Abby really wears him out, and not in a good way … Bitch … he tells Pratt that Iman said she’d look into it. As they approach Admit, Pratt tells Luka that he’s a little concerned because someone called the Medical Board and the Church. Luka assures him that he’ll talk to Iman again. They pass by the Board as Abby walks up and over to the chart rack. Luka and Abby are only a few feet away from each other, but don’t acknowledge each other’s presence. Timmy, the desk clerk who reminds me of Usher, comes up between them to use the laptop, sees Abby’s expression and asks her if she’s looking for something. She looks at the board and tells him that she’s looking for a patient. Usher moves away, asking “Which one?”, leaving Abby and Luka standing next to each other. She’s about to say, but stops when she notices Luka looking at her. She raises her eyebrows, tilts her a head a little and makes a sort of “oh well, you know how it is” grin at him. He just grimly stares back at her, not pleased. Abby turns around when she hears Pickman the Paramedic calling out that she’s got a Hockey Dad with a “puck vs. face”. Yikes. Abby comes over as a kid in a hockey uniform corrects Pickman’s version by saying it was a “slapshot”. As she holds some sort of contraption up to Hockey Dad’s, Pickman tells Abby that Hockey Kid is his son. Hockey Kid’s all grossed out, saying that Hockey Dad “spit out his teeth”. Yuck. Hockey Dad’s really a bloody mess. Even Abby’s staring at his face looking a little grossed out as she tells Hockey Kid that they’re going to fix his dad up and that he gets to play x-Box as she asks“Margo” the random nurse to take Hockey Kid. Abby asks Hockey Dad how he’s doing and he mumbles that he can’t breathe. Well, really, if you can talk, you can breathe, Hockey Dad. Schmuck. Pickman tells Abby that it looks like a fractured jaw, multiple broken teeth and that his pulse ox is down to 88. Abby says that he’s going to need an airway. Abby, either making a point or just being a brat, calls over to the desk, asking Pratt if he wants “a piece of this”. Pratt’s surprised that she’s asking him, and glances over questioningly at Luka, who just gives him a pursed lips “Yeah, that’s how it is” look back. Still confused, Pratt says “um … sure” and follows her, leaving Luka to watch after them, annoyed, agitatedly tapping his pen. Luka sighs, then realizes he’s being observed, turns with a whole “what?” attitude to see Usher giving him a “mmm hmm … and just what did you do?” judgmental face.

Ray goes back into Trauma Green and sees Dennis watching Abby and Pratt work on Hockey Dad in Trauma Yellow. Dennis wants to know why they didn’t bring Clark back. Ray thinks they may have moved him to another bed to free up the trauma room and assures him that can be a good sign. Ray asks if Wicked’s come by, and Dennis just scoffs “No”. Ray asks why Dennis didn’t tell Wicked that he wasn’t the one who was driving. Dennis doesn’t see what the point is and thinks Wicked would still find a way to blame him, but thinks that at least now he can’t get mad at Clark, too. Ray asks if they’re close, and Dennis says they are, and that Wicked’s really strict on Clark and thinks Dennis is a bad influence. Dennis says that sometimes he lets him do things his father doesn’t, like drive the snowmobile. Ray tells him he’ll find out how Clark’s doing and Dennis thanks him.

In Trauma Yellow, Abby is having a hard time trying to intubate Hockey Dad. She’s trying to suction out his throat and tells Pratt that they need to forget it, because they’re never going to see the chords. Pratt says to bag Hockey Dad and prep the neck for a crich. Ray comes in and asks Abby what Clark’s status is. Abby says that the CT showed perisistent pneumo and that “Kovac” put in a second tube. Oh, so it’s “Kovac” now, is it, Abby? Just like Pratt doesn’t usually use Luka’s first name, you don’t very often refer to him by his surname. Seems to me that the last time you were in a relationship where you only called your boyfriend by his last name it ended in a missive from the third-world telling you that you weren’t worth wasting the kerosene for … Considering Luka obviously thinks you’re worth improving the lighting in the Bat Cave for … Bitch … I don’t know that I’d risk returning to the need for night-vision goggles just because you’re a little irked with him at the ‘mo. Abby tells Ray that other than that, Clark’s good and to try Exam 3. Ray thanks her and heads out as Iman comes in and tells Pratt that she’d like him to stop by her office at four today. Pratt asks if she’s talked to Luka yet and Iman says yes, and that they need to have a quick sit-down with the hospital lawyers about Edgar Dixon as Abby puts a needle in Hockey Dad’s Adam’s Apple. Yuck. Abby calls for a guide wire as Pratt tells Iman that he was at Edgar’s funeral today and spoke to Mrs. Edgar and that she’s not pressing any charges. Abby starts inserting the guide wire as Iman tells Pratt that isn’t the problem. She says the Board is not too happy that Edgar was getting his medications through his church, adding “medications that you distributed”. This causes Abby to look up at Pratt, totally surprised. Pratt wants to know who got the Board involved in this, but Iman doesn’t know. She reminds him about four o’clock and leaves. Abby looks at Pratt like she wants to says something as he sighs over what Iman just told him and gives her the inducer. Abby starts to say “Greg …” as Dawn the nurse comes in and tells Pratt that they’ve got a “hot MI five minutes out”. Abby again starts “… uh … Greg” … Uh oh, what did you do, Abby? … Pratt’s attention is already drawn away and he tells Abby to get a chest x-ray, page head and neck, and to come find him when she’s done as he heads out. Abby watches him walk out, looking quite a bit guilty …

Sunshine walks up to Admit with Gaudy and Splinter. Sam asks Splinter how it went and he just so enthusiastically replies “Spectacular”. Gaudy thinks sarcasm is a poor substitute for wit, proving that she must be as much a non-fan of mine as I am of her … Gaudy asks if Splinter knows who said that and he asks if he cares. Sam admonishes him “Alex, don’t be rude … say you’re sorry”. Splinter tells Sam to just relax, which Sam doesn’t like very much. Gaudy thinks it’s time they went home. Sam gives Splinter the evil eye as Gaudy leads him away. Sunshine, who saw the whole thing, makes like he’s going to say something to Sam, thinks better of it, and just walks away.

Out in the Ambulance Bay, Ray is waiting on the incoming. Pratt comes up and asks if he’s finally gotten things sorted out with Neela. Ray doesn’t think there’s anything to sort out. Pratt chuckles and asks if he’s sure, because it looks to him like they’ve got some sorting out to do. Pratt starts to tell him that if he needs his advice, but Ray cuts him off that he doesn’t want Pratt’s advice. Ray reminds him that he took his advice and gave Neela time and space, but gave her so much time and space that she started seeing somebody else. Both laugh as Ray sarcastically thanks him for the advice and we see Splinter and Gaudy come through the doors.

Splinter angrily kicks a trash can and stomps off. Gaudy calls after him to stop acting like a baby. He yells back at her, asking why she’s even here and that nobody invited her. Gaudy thinks it’s time Splinter started showing a little respect and he tells her “And you need to mind your own damn business, bitch!” Doing it for the whole viewing audience, Gaudy hauls off and smacks him across the face. You go, Gaudy!!! I’ve been wanting to do that through not one but two Alex’s now … She starts to tell him “Don’t you ever talk to …” when he slaps her back. Yikes!!! Splinter’s finally come to life, only to go from being defunct wood pole to fucked up asshole. Splinter tells her to never touch him, as Ray and Pratt, who witnessed the tree slapping, start hurrying over. Gaudy grabs Splinter by the moss growing on both sides of his head and tells him that if he ever raises a hand to her, his mother or any other woman, she’ll break every last twig in his shrubby nettle bush … or something to that effect ... He pushes her away and strides off. As she follows, Pratt says, all impressed, “Grandma’s got some game”. Hee. Lily comes out and tells Ray that Dennis isn’t looking too good. Pratt asks in an ironic tone if this is the one Ray insisted didn’t need surgery, as Ray shoots him a look before heading back in.

Sam is in the lounge, picking a bunch of charts up off the floor as Sunshine comes in. He comes over to help her, and she apologizes about Splinter. She excuses that Splinter isn’t always like that and that he’s had a rough year. Sam just doesn’t want him to think and Sunshine breaks in “… that he’s what? A teenager?” Sunshine tells her that he was a holy terror at Splinter’s age. He relates a story about how when his principal suspending him for fighting, he slashes all the tires on the guy’s Corvette. Corvette??? I thought principals only drove K-cars or woody wagons … Sam thinks he was a delinquent, as starts looking a little hot and bothered, evidently turned on finding out that Sunshine has criminal tendencies. He admits he was a real piece of wood … sorry, confused him with Splinter for a second … I mean “real piece of work” … Sunshine tells her that his mom raised him by herself too, so he knows that it’s not easy. He says that they fought every day for at least ten years. Now, they talk at least once a week, and that they’re “best friends”. Aww, that’s sweet, in a creepy Norman Bates keeping-mom’s-corpse-in-a-rocking-chair kind of way … Sunshine thinks that in time, she and Splinter will be, too. What, in a remake of Psycho? Can totally see that … Or maybe Throw Momma From The Train … Or a Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Abby exits out of Trauma Yellow into the hallway, looking for someone. She runs into Usher and asks if he’s seen Pratt, and he tells her that Pratt’s in the Ambulance Bay waiting on a rig. Abby thanks him and heads off. McEgo comes up to her and says that he’s got a “Wharton girl” with a mandible dislocation and he’s tried everything and wants to know if she has any tricks, adding “No pun intended”. A distracted Abby asks if this can wait 10 minutes, but McEgo says that he’s already paged Luka and Pratt but they’re all tied up. Ooh … together? Good thing I got my Scout Slipknot Badge … and a camera … McEgo tells Abby that the girl is already pre-medicated. Abby looks towards the Ambulance Bay, considers, then follows McEgo, who insists that he’s tried everything, but it just won’t budge. He says that he gave her 100 fent and Abby tells him to add some midazelam as they head into the exam room.

Abby asks a really sleazy leather-clad stringy platinum haired bimbo who looks like she could be another of Sam’s relatives, “How’d you do this … Big yawn?”, referring to Sleazy’s wide open-mouthed lockjaw. Um, yeah … I’m so sure that’s how she did it Abby. McEgo explains that it’s an oral occupational injury that Sleazy got while “performing a service”. Gee, so nice to see that ER’s 14 year-old staff writer is back … Abby dons the purple rubber gloves, which I’m sure in her line of work, Sleazy is used to. Abby, who’s obviously not too swift on the uptake, finally gets what McEgo was referring to and is like “Oh … okay …”. Oh yeah, like you’re so shocked, Abby. And if you are … well, no wonder Luka’s so grumpy … Just saying … Bitch … As McEgo pushes the meds, Abby asks “Did you try it from behind?” There’s dead silence and Abby looks over at McEgo. He didn’t realize she was talking to him. Hee. Abby explains that she means for relocating the mandible, as she examines Sleazy’s jaw. Abby says that from the back, you’ve got better leverage for downward force and you can put your weight into it. McEgo thinks that makes sense. As Abby moves to get behind Sleazy, she says that “you also get a better grip”. Sam walks in with Deej and tells McEgo that he has a visitor. He wants to know what Deej is doing there, as Abby kneels on the bed behind Sleazy. Deej says that she went up to his room, saw the boxes, and wants to know why he didn’t tell her. McEgo looks back and forth from Abby to Deej, then moves over to Deej and tells her quietly that he was going to. She bitches that he lied to her, which causes Abby, who’s got her hands in Sleazy’s mouth, to look over at him kind of disapprovingly. McEgo tries to tell Deej that this isn’t really a good time and tells her to go with Sam to the breakroom and he’ll be there in a few minutes. Deej is having none of it and yells at him that if he wants to leave, then leave and that she doesn’t care anymore as she turns on her heel and leaves. Sam asks McEgo if he wants her to go get Deej, but Abby tells him to go ahead, and that she’s got this. McEgo rushes out. Abby grimaces as she pushes down, trying to fix Sleazy’s pried open mouth. She finally gets the right angle and Sleazy’s jaw clicks back into place. Nasty sound. And speaking of nasty, it’s probably a real good thing you’ve got those gloves on Abby … who knows where Sleazy’s mouth has been … Maybe Neela should use them on her entire body, because the same rule applies to the McRoadkill … Sleazy grabs her chin and starts moving her jaw around, I guess making sure that it still works and she won’t have to go on short-term disability. Can she get workman’s comp since she was injured on the blow … job? Abby asks her if she’s okay and Sleazy nods, holding her sore mouth … or is that mouth sores? …

McEgo chases after Deej, telling her to stop and listen to him, but she says that he can’t tell her what to do because he’s not her dad. McEgo tries to tell her that he’s her friend, but she thinks friends don’t leave. She’s starts to cry and he pulls her to him, and hugs her.

In Trauma Green, Dennis ain’t doing so well. His abdomen is rigid with fever. Ray thinks it could be a bowel perf or peritonitis. He calls for blood cultures and zosyn, 3.375. Lily asks if she should get McEgo, but Ray says no, and that he needs Surgery down there. Lily’s already called them. Ray tells Lily to page Neela and tell her that he needs her down here now.

McEgo brings Deej a soda in the breakroom. She ignores him, so he pretends to be her and says “Thank you, Tony”, then answers “You’re welcome, Sarah”. When she still doesn’t respond, he tells her that she can’t be mad at him forever. Sure she can, McEgo. I’m pretty sure I will be for you coming on my show and subjecting me to having to see you in various states of undress while at the same time depriving me of the joy of watching The Pretty do the same … Honestly, ER, it’s been over a year … Luka better get naked soon as I’m totally suffering from serious withdrawal from not needing a cigarette in ages … Deej wants to know why she can’t be mad at him, and he replies “because of this” and makes a pathetic “I’m completely constipated” face, that I suppose is his feeble attempt to pass for the all purpose “boo-boo” pouty face that my three year old pulls on me whenever he wants something. Deej isn’t looking at him and asks what he’s doing. He tells her it’s his sympathetic doctor face, but really, he just looks totally blocked up. Bran flakes and Metamucil will work wonders, McMilkofMagnesia. Deej glances over at him, channels me, and tells him that he looks stupid. He thinks it’s time to bring out the big guns and starts to try to make her laugh with by grabbing her by the lapels and getting in her face and doing this whole smell-the-fart overly dramatic soap opera acting of how you would tell someone that they’re going to die. I imagine that this is supposed to make him totally endearing, because Deej is starting to laugh at the ridiculous faces he’s making, but really it’s just annoying. She tells him to stop, and tries to say that it’s not funny. She tells him sincerely that she’s mad at him. Getting down to her level to look her in the eye, he tells her that he knows she is, and says he’s sorry and that he wanted to tell her, but then conveniently leaves out the part where he’s a spineless thoughtless prat so he didn’t … McDickless … She wants to know why he has to go, and he tells her that it’s the right thing. She asks if it’s because of Neela. He doesn’t answer because Deej spots Trixie outside the door and can’t believe he called her. McEgo says that Trixie was worried about her.

Neela bursts into Trauma Green and asks what’s happening. Holding up an x-ray, Ray says that there’s free air in the diaphragm and Lily tells her that the systolic is only 90 after two liters. Neela says that they’re going to throw in a subclavian and take Dennis right up to the OR. Ray asks where Wicked is and Lily says that she sent Dawn to find him. Ray thanks Neela for coming down and she tells him snidely that it’s her job.

Pratt is looking at an x-ray in the hallway as Abby comes out of Sleazy’s exam room. She spots him, sighs with a “here we go” face, and walks over to him and asks a little shamefacedly if he has a minute. He asks her what’s up as they start walking down the hall. Abby just jumps right in and admits “It was me … I called the Medical Board about Edgar Dixon”. He stops and asks “You?” as she nods and looks at him apologetically. He asks why the hell she would do that and she tries to explain that when she heard Edgar was getting his meds from the church she thought it was some unlicensed crackpot, not a licensed crackpot like him. He says disappointedly “Abby …” and starts to walk again and she keeps up with him and tells him how sorry she is. And she really does look it. He rubs his hand over his face, then tells her that it’s alright. She apologizes again and tells him that she thought she was doing the right thing. He assures her that she was and “… we both were … Sometimes you do the right thing and still get shafted”. As they get to Admit, he tells her not to sweat it. Luka is standing at the desk with two stony-faced guys, one salt-and-pepper haired the other bald. Luka spots Pratt and tells him that these “detectives” would like to talk to him. Oh no. Pratt wants to know about what and Bald Detective tells him “Your involvement with a patient named Edgar Dixon”. Oh, nice going, Abby. Luka tells Pratt that he called Iman and she’s on her way down, as Abby ruefully watches the whole scene. Salt-‘n’-Pepa Haired Detective asked Pratt if there’s someplace they can talk in private. Pratt tells them “Yeah … sure”, then leads them away, moving like Dead Man Walking, as Luka and Abby look on, not believing this is actually happening.

Usher comes up to Abby and tells her that he’s been looking for her. He hands her a piece of paper saying that the patient she was asking about phoned as Luka watches. Abby thanks Usher and he walks away. As she looks at the slip, Luka, deliberately not looking at her, sardonically says “Let me guess … your friend Eddie again …” Abby looks at him, squinting disbelievingly and calling him on “What are you … jealous?”, then starts to walk away from him, annoyed at his behavior. He follows, protesting unconvincingly, “No …”, then sounding exactly like the jealous teenager that he’s become, he mockingly needles, “… I just don’t understand why you’re giving this guy so much attention”. Honestly, Luka, infantilism just doesn’t become you … though most everything else does … Just saying … Yum … Heading towards the Lounge, Abby looks over her shoulder at him with an expression and tone that say just how ridiculous she’s finding his attitude, “He’s a sixty-year old man with lung disease … I’m just trying to help him out”.

Abby opens the door to the Lounge and strides in with Luka swaggeringly sauntering in behind her, like he’s embracing his inner grade-school gangsta and is gearing up to do more “yo mama”-thon type one-upmanship battling with her. Neither notices Weaver standing at her locker, looking wistfully at a Polaroid of her deceased partner Sandy, her, and their son Henry with Abby in the NICU on the day the baby was released from the hospital. Very nice touch, ER … especially since Laura Innes directed that exceptional episode. She says “Hi” to them, preemptively preventing protracted puerile pissiness. Seeing her there, Luka uncomfortably says “hi” back. She eyes him speculatively, as he is clearly discomposed by her presence. He looks over at Abby, who is standing at her locker, and now thrown off his game, reluctantly says that they can talk about this later. Abby shrugs and sasses, “Or not”. An intrigued Weaver looks back and forth between them, seemingly amused by their blatant domestic discord and the fact that Abby doesn’t seem the least bit bothered while Luka is evidently discombobulated. Luka gives Weaver a quick little embarrassed grin, then scampers out of there with his tail between his legs … I guess because he’s got to have something there in the interim until Abby lets his balls out on parole … Standing with her hand on her hip, Abby watches him leave, before turning back towards her locker and taking off her labcoat to put it away. As Weaver packs up her things, she asks Abby if everything is alright. In an “I really don’t think I want to get into it” tone, Abby says that it’s just a disagreement about a patient. Getting that she shouldn’t ask, Weaver wisely just says “Hmm … gotcha”. Abby puts her stethoscope away, closes her locker and sighs, looking like she’s trying to figure out what to say to Weaver. Crossing her arms in front of her and leaning against the locker, she faces Weaver and tells her “I still can’t believe that you’re leaving”. Weaver says that it feels a little “weird … scary, but exciting”. Smiling, Weaver tells Abby that she’s actually going to miss this place, but the look on her face says that she really means that she’s going to miss Abby. Abby looks at her for a second, then Weaver goes back to gathering her stuff. There’s a pregnant pause as neither knows exactly what to say to the other. Then they simultaneously turn towards each other and Weaver starts “You know, I …” as Abby says “Listen … I just want to”. They both tell the other to “go ahead” a couple of times until Weaver looks at her fondly, inclining her head for Abby to start. Abby grins at her, hesitates a second, then shrugs and moves closer to her. Abby smiles, ducks her head a little shyly, and says, sounding a bit emotional, “I just wanted to say that I think you’ve probably seen me …”, then she looks up and smiles again while continuing “… at my best … and at my worst”. With tears in her eyes, but smiling tenderly at Weaver she tells her more fervently with each successive statement, “… and even though we didn’t always see eye-to-eye … you helped me go from a nurse … to a med student … to a doctor … to a mom”. Awww … that is so sweet. And really very touching, as the Poignant Piano of Forever Friendships accentuates the apparent affection between these two. An obviously moved Weaver smiles and gently kids her “I’m the one who’s supposed to be upset here”. Abby chuckles sheepishly, looking away and voice wavering a bit says “I know … sorry”. They look at each other for a moment, with both unconcealed endearment and the bittersweet recognition that they will no longer be working together or seeing one another often. Weaver shakes her head slightly, like she can’t believe she is truly saying goodbye to Abby. Quietly and earnestly Weaver tells her “You were always there … as a nurse … and a doctor …”, then more tearfully and lovingly, “… and most importantly … you’ve always been here … as my friend”. Oh man, that did it … I was already starting to get a little choked up, but that just totally pushed me over the edge into verklempt … Talk amongst yourselves … I’ll give you a topic … Rhode Island – it’s neither a road nor an island … Discuss … Not allowing that question to be answered, nor giving me a chance to regain my composure with a break in the tear-jerking, they smile at each other, then Abby moves towards Weaver and they embrace. As they hug for a long moment, Abby asks her “Do you think this happens to the guys when one of them leaves?” Hee. They both chuckle. Squeezing her tighter, Weaver smiles and says “Carter bawled like a baby when he left”. Abby and I both laugh out loud at that, probably because neither of us is the least bit surprised that Carter’s such a girl. Still hugging, Abby tells her genuinely, “I’m going to miss you”, which touches Weaver, who whispers sincerely, “Thank you”. Oh, I am so glad they let these two have a proper goodbye. I’ve always loved their interactions and I think I am going to miss Weaver as much as Abby will. Just a beautifully done scene. What makes it all the more special is how the real-life friendship between Maura Tierney and Laura Innes really shines through. Every line is spoken with such heartfelt emotion and unmistakable fondness that it’s as if they are no longer acting, but actually saying these words to each other. Absolutely lovely.

McEgo, Trixie and Deej walk out into the Ambulance Bay, all Full House/bad ‘90’s sitcom-esque chummy, as if McEgo hadn’t manhandled Trixie and pushed her forcefully up against a wall last ep. Uncle McConvenientBootyCallSlapper. Ugh. Trixie tells Deej that it’s time for them to take care of themselves, and that she can still hang out with McEgo, but Deej doesn’t think it will be the same. Trixie tells her that she can go to McEgo’s place when “I get on your nerves”, and McEgo says to take it easy, he doesn’t want Deej living with him. Deej asks if she can stay at his place sometimes and he says as long as it’s okay with Trixie. He tells her that he’s going to have a “swinging” bachelor pad, which makes perfect sense because aren’t hairy apes all into the swingin’? Because he’s always wanted to be Josh Baskin and wishes he were Big, he says that he’s going to have a big screen TV over the Jacuzzi, a trampoline, and a shark tank. A philosophical Trixie thinks that nothing stays the same forever and that it’s all part of growing up. McEgo tells Deej that in a few years she won’t care about him anyway, that she’ll marry that “Horn Dog” guy that’s she’s going out with and they’ll have six kids, but Deej tells him that she and Horn Dog broke up. McEgo tells her that he never liked the guy and she informs him that it was her fault because Horn Dog found out she liked someone else. McEgo’s all mock shocked and calls her “Jezebel!” Deej and Trixie laugh, then Trixie tells her that it’s time to go. McEgo gives Deej a hug as a forlorn Trixie watches, then has to look away.

Neela takes Dennis up to Surgery and tells Ray that she’ll call him when Dennis is out of the OR. Ray follows her out and says that he needs to say something to her. Not getting it, a nonchalant Neela tells him that he doesn’t, because he did what he thought was right for the patient. He says that’s not it, and uncomfortably starts to tell her that this probably is the wrong place and time, when McEgo interrupts, wanting to know why no one paged him about Dennis. Ray says that they handled it. McEgo asks what happened and Neela says that Dennis has a perforated viscous. McEgo all holier-than-thou’s “Really?”, then turns to Ray and says “Good thing we didn’t send him home, huh, Rock Star?” Ray chuckles mirthlessly, but doesn’t say anything, or smack the smug off McEgo’s face like I would have done. Ugh. Neela noticing that Ray’s not taking the bait, jumps in to defend him anyway and tells McEgo that it wasn’t a small bowel perforation and had nothing to do with what they were wanted to observe Dennis up on the Surgical Floor. McEgo doesn’t get it and Neela explains that small bowel doesn’t cede the peritoneum like this, and it’s colonic, maybe diverticular. She starts to walk away and McEgo’s all fake interested and asking her to tell him more. Neela glances back over her shoulder at Ray before embracing her inner zookeeper and heading off with McRoadkill. Ray watches them leave as Wicked comes up and demands to know where they’re taking Dennis. Ray tells him that he’s going up to Surgery, adding nastily “If you really care”. Wicked wants to know what the hell that is supposed to mean. Ray’s pissed because he sent a nurse to find Wicked 30 minutes before. Wicked protests that he was with his son, but Ray bitches at him that “this one needed you too”. Wicked thinks Ray’s out of line and that neither of the boys would have been in there if Dennis wasn’t screwing around. Ray informs him that it was Clark that was driving. Wicked doesn’t believe it. Ray comes back at him that it’s true and Wicked just blamed Dennis without bothering to ask. Wicked wants to know why Dennis didn’t say anything, and Ray asks Wicked if he would have believed him. Ray tells him that Dennis was trying to protect his little brother and that’s what big brothers do. This must hit Ray close to home or something, because he’s really taking this case personally. Wicked thinks Dennis should have known better, and Ray reminds him that Dennis is only 15. Ray lets him know that Dennis carried Clark almost a mile to the road to get help. At least Wicked has the grace to look ashamed after hearing that bit of news. But instead of leaving it at that, Ray keeps going and tells Wicked that instead of coming down on Dennis, he should be thanking him, because he probably saved Clark’s life. Ray tries to walk away, but Wicked grabs his arm and tells Ray that he doesn’t like his attitude, but Ray doesn’t like the way Wicked treats his kid. Wicked wants to know where Ray gets off talking to him like this and asks to see his supervisor. Ray scoffs at that. Wicked doesn’t think that Ray knows a damn thing about him or his family, but Ray tells him that he’s wrong, because he knows Dennis is a good kid “… and I know that you … are an asshole”. Hee. You are so right on that one, Ray. Ray thinks that Wicked should think about treating Dennis better because one day soon he’s going to be bigger than Wicked, he’s going to remember everything Wicked’s done to him and then he’s going to kick Wicked’s ass. Ray strides away, leaving Wicked panicking and hoping it’s not too late to get Dennis to take up smoking … or drink coffee … or lift weights … or a combo of all three … anything to stunt his growth …

Salt ‘n Pepa Detective wants to know if Pratt has a valid medical license. Pratt’s insulted by this and says that of course he does. Bald Detective asks if he has a pharmacy license, and Pratt says that his medical license allows him to write prescriptions. Salt ‘n Pepa tells him that diverting controlled substances to an unauthorized distributor is a felony. Pratt doesn’t think he was diverting anything, he was just treating patients. Bald Detective says that it’s an illegal clinic and Pratt thinks they are getting carried away. Pratt justifies that he was helping out at a church where most of the congregation doesn’t even have health insurance. Bald Detective chimes in “Like the man that you killed?” Pratt wants to know if one of them isn’t supposed to be the “good cop”, but they just impassively stare at him.

Weaver calls out to Ray as she approaches Admit. Before she can say anything, Ray, who must think she’s about to come down on him, jumps in with the explanations that he’s spent the whole day with this great kid who saved his brother’s life. Without taking a breath he says that when the stepfather came in and started to berate and belittle him in front of everyone … then breaks off as Weaver gives him a “what the hell are you talking about?” look. He finishes that he guesses Wicked just reminds him of someone he used to know. Weaver explains that she was just coming to say goodbye. Ray looks sufficiently foolish, realizing that he wasted a perfectly good explanation on Weaver and hopes he can remember it when he’s up facing his converging Croatian comeuppance. Tongue-in-cheek, Weaver tells him that she may have done a great disservice to the “world of rock” by keeping him there, then adds “but you could be a great doctor, Ray”. He smiles and says that he kind of thought he was, as Weaver gives him a patronizing “sure you are” grin. A bumbling Ray says that he’s kidding, “sort of”, before finally becoming serious and honestly thanking Weaver for everything. They grin at each other, and he wants to know what they do now “Hug? … Kiss? …” Weaver holds out her hand for him to shake. Hee.

Pratt is being led down the hall in handcuffs. Yikes. They walk past a surprised Luka sitting in a chair at the Nurses Station. He jumps up and wants to know what the hell is going on. Salt-n’-Pepa tells him that Pratt is under arrest as they keep walking. Luka asks what the charges are. Detectives don’t stop. They escort Pratt past Admit, where he shares a look with Weaver. Salt-n’-Pepa tells Luka that Pratt’s being charged with violating the controlled substance act. Luka can’t believe they had to handcuff Pratt but Salt-n’-Pepa tells him that it’s a felony charge. Luka thinks that’s ridiculous and is all “Oh, c’mon guys … you can’t do this”. As they walk out the doors, Salt-n’-Pepa tells Luka to back off as Bald Detective warns over his shoulder, “Unless you want to go with them”. Luka in handcuffs? … Hmmm … Luka and everyone at Admit disbelievingly watch them leave. Cranky’s completely content considering camera closes in on the pleasingly pulchritudinous perplexedly perturbed Pretty … Sigh …

Sam’s walking down a hallway carrying a bag of groceries as we hear Gaudy’s gratingly loud voice getting louder as she approaches a door. Sam Botox-scowls as she hears Gaudy’s telling some story and saying “… suddenly we hear this God-awful scream and we see this Billy goat has Sammy by the pigtails”. Hee. Sam’s hair must have been just as atrocious back then, considering goats eat trash … white trash … We hear laughter as Sam enters the apartment to find Gaudy, Sunshine and some old guy sitting at the kitchen table. Sunshine, drinking a beer, explains that Gaudy invited him. Sam says hi to “Mr. Owen”, the old guy. He tells her not to worry, he’s not staying for dinner, probably since he’s a neighbor and has had occasion to unfortunately smell her culinary specialty, Turkey ala Hefty Bag. Old Guy grabs his cane and limps unsteadily out. Gaudy tells Sam how she was just telling “the boys” about how the goat ate her pigtails at the petting zoo. Sam’s all sarcastic, “Great”. Sam asks where Splinter is and Gaudy says that he’s in his room doing his homework, adding “At least he’d better be”.

Abby enters a smoky bar where Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “I Never Dreamed” is playing … I never dreamed that you would hurt me … What’s Abby doing in a bar? And leave me blue … I really can’t imagine that her silly sophomoric squabbling with the Shampoo Boy would drive her back to drinking. But it seems she’s not interested in knocking back a few as she’s checking the place out, obviously looking for someone. I’ve had a thousand, maybe more … She spots Remo over at a pool table, taking a shot. She walks over, looking at him expectantly, and says “Nice shot” ... But never one like you … He wants to know what she’s doing there. She asks why he didn’t come back to the hospital … I never dreamed I could feel so empty … He eyes her appraisingly, his demeanor markedly different from the overt friendliness he’s shown towards her previously. Now he’s acting very cautious. They are on opposite sides, but are mirroring each other’s movements, warily assessing one another, as they each walk down their respective sides of the table. He’s curious as to how she found him … But now I’m down She tells him that a guy at his hotel said he might be there, as he prepares to take another shot. He takes it as she tells him in a wry tone “… and in case you’re interested … the test results show that your lungs aren’t expanding properly” … I never dreamed that I would beg you … Abby tells him that his lungs have become fibrotic. He shakes his head like “tsk tsk” and puts a cigarette to his lips, saying sardonically “I guess I’ll have to switch to menthols” and goes back to playing his game … Woman I need you now … Abby’s eyes narrow at him, puzzled. Focusing his attention on the table, Remo tells her that she didn’t have to come there and calls “8 ball in the corner pocket” … It seems to me I took your love for granted … Abby looks at him, trying to figure out his cavalier attitude and explains that he’s not getting enough oxygen in his blood. He sinks the shot. He puts his cue back on the rack, ignoring her as she continues that he’s going to need an echocardiogram to check his cardiac function. He collects his money from the guy he was playing against, telling him “Better luck next time, chief”. Abby watches him, confused by the way he’s acting … It feels to me that this time I was wrong, so wrong … She keeps trying to get through to him that he needs to see a specialist, as he continues to pay no attention to her. He holds up his winnings to make sure it’s a real bill before putting it in his pocket, taking a swig of beer, and telling her “No more doctor stuff”, all the while still not looking at her. She puts her hand on her hip determinedly as she tells him that they need to find out what’s causing this. … Oh lord I feel so lonely … Gulping some more of his beer, he finally turns to face her, saying that they don’t. He starts “Abby … listen …”, but she cuts him off, because she can’t understand why he would have the tests if he wasn’t planning on following through. I say “Woman, won’t you come back home … He walks over towards her, saying that he doesn’t care about his “damn lungs”. He moves closer to her, telling her that he didn’t keep coming to see her for health reasons. Uh oh. Abby starts to back up a little, seeming a bit uncomfortable with how close he’s standing to her. She wants him to talk to her and tell her what’s going on. He looks at her for a second, like he’s considering how to start, backs away slightly and puts his beer down as he tells her that he’s been taking care of himself all his life, “usually at the expense of others”. He moves in close to her again -- too close. Remo’s really starting to creep me out. Abby backs up again, disturbed by the fact that Remo apparently hasn’t seen Dirty Dancing so doesn’t know not to invade her personal dance space. Gazing at her intently, he says that he appreciates her concern, but that he doesn’t deserve it. He then reaches out to touch her hair. Oh, no, no, no. Dude, you are sooooo lucky her big beautiful Balkan boyfriend bodyguard/barber isn’t there to see this. Your lungs wouldn’t be the only body parts on you failing then. Abby bats his hand away with a “You cannot seriously be making a pass at me, especially since you’ve seen my lusciously lovely live-in lover (… Bitch …) who can A) beat the living shit out of you, and B) well, I mean, come on, do I really have to explain B) to you?” expression. She shakes her head, partly at him and partly at herself because she’s realized that Luka was right. Admonishing both Remo and herself, she says, “You know, I shouldn’t have come here”. She turns away from him, still shaking her head, and storms out. Remo watches her leave, sighs and rolls his eyes disgustedly at himself, understanding that he’s just made a huge faux pas.

Outside the bar, Abby looks up and down the street, trying to find a cab. Remo, who’s thrown his coat on, comes out after her, calling her name. Not looking at him she holds her arm out straight in a “keep your distance, jerk-off” gesture and tells him to stay away from her. He wants to explain, but she doesn’t want to hear it. Walking away from him, she tells him that he doesn’t have to, it was just a mistake. He walks alongside her saying that he knows what she’s feeling and she chuckles bitterly that she doesn’t think he does because she doesn’t know what she’s feeling. Instead of being furious with him, yelling, screaming or any of that, Abby seems to be taking this all on herself. Like she’s chastising herself for making such a grave error in judgment and for not listening to Luka, she tells Remo that he was right, she didn’t need to come here. Then in a tone that says that she can’t believe she was so stupid, she exclaims, “I shouldn’t have come here”. Keeping up with her, he admits that he lied to her. This causes her to look over at him and he continues that he didn’t want to scare her off. She stops and looks at him, trying to get what he’s talking about. With his hands up in a supplicating gesture, he comes clean that his name isn’t “Jackson” … Uh oh … Looking at her apologetically, he says “It’s Wyczenski” … Oh no … Abby’s just staring at him as he adds “I’m your father”. Abby’s dumbfounded. Remo reveals that he talked to Maggie a while back, going on three years now. The initial shock worn off, Abby just shakes her head and starts saying “No” over and over as Remo tries to tell her that he got caught up on what was going on with her and her brother Eric. He starts saying how Maggie then started screaming him, but Abby’s not listening to anything else but the voice in her head berating her for allowing herself to connect with this guy. She puts her hand to her head, rubbing her temple like her brain is hurting and about to explode from all this. Abby shakes her head decisively, declaring “No, this is not happening” as she starts walking away again. Remo tells her “Yeah, it is” as he follows after her. He says that Maggie told him that Abby was working in the hospital here in Chicago. Ohhhh … so that is why he seemed so delighted to hear she was a doctor when they first met in Reason to Believe – when he talked to Maggie, Abby was probably still a nurse. Abby stops to face him and demand “Why are you doing this???” He tries to say that he wanted to see for himself and she asks incredulously “After 30 years???” He stammers that he wanted to see what sort of person she grew up to be. Abby has had enough and yells as much at herself as at him “Oh God! I can’t do this!” and walks back out into the street to hail a cab. Remo, still trying to explain, says that it took him years to work up the nerve to come and visit as Abby again says angrily “I cannot do this!” Not looking at him and raising her hand for a taxi, she just keeps shaking her head as he says that one of the nurses at the triage desk pointed her out to him and he got cold feet. A cab drives by and Abby tries to get it, but it’s off duty. Remo, still attempting to talk to her, says that if she hadn’t walked into the bar that night, he would have left without ever speaking to her. Getting more and more agitated, Abby keeps trying to get the hell out of there. Remo tells her that when he met her, he wanted to know more but he didn’t have the guts to tell her the truth because he thought she’d tell him to go away. Abby finally turns to him and incredibly pissed off, says, “Well, guess what?!? You were right … Go away … Go AWAY!” She turns away from him again and finally flags down a cab. He pleads “Abby … Abby, please” as she moves to the taxi. He grabs her arm, and she forcefully throws his hand off, telling him to just leave her alone. As she gets in, she spits out at him “You don’t get to do this … It’s not fair” and slams the door. The cab drives away, leaving Remo in the street watching after it, wondering what Eric might be doing right about now …

Luka, coat on like he’s leaving for the night, exits into the Ambulance Bay. He sees something and calls out “hey … Kerry”, then jogs to catch up with her. Carrying her box of belongings, Weaver “hey” ‘s him back and says that she didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to Pratt. As they walk, Luka tells her that he’s on the way to the police station to bail Pratt out. How come Luka hasn’t offered to carry the box for her? Nice, Luka. I expected a bit more from you than that – I guess chivalry really is dead when you of all people allow a lady to carry a heavy box. Jeez. Weaver comments that it’s one of the parts of the job that they never tell you about -- one of the many parts that she says she’s not going to miss. She keeps going, like she’s trying to avoid having an actual conversation with him, but he looks like he has something to stay, so he reaches out and touches her arm, trying to get her to stop. He starts to say that he never had a chance to tell her …, but she interrupts him that she’s done talking about this, pleading “Really … please”. Smiling and letting her know that’s not it, he declares “You … you hired me”. Weaver realizes that he wants to tell her something, so she just grins a little and lets him continue. Chuckling, he tells her that he still remembers his first day and how an oxygen tank rocketed through the ER and almost killed him. Recalling that, Weaver laughs, then jokes that no one ever said this was the safest place to work. He looks at her seriously for a moment, then tells her earnestly “You changed my life by giving me this job”. Weaver’s taken aback a little and looks truly touched when he tells her with genuine feeling “… You maybe even saved it”. He continues passionately, “I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t found this place”. Aww … how sweet. He’s letting her know how grateful he is to her not only on a professional level, but on a personal one, as well, because if Weaver hadn’t taken the chance on him, he wouldn’t be part owner of the Hair Salon today … Abby’s name’s not even in mentioned in this scene, but … Bitch … He then tells her honestly that she’s taught him a lot, too. Weaver’s fond expression tells him how much she really does appreciate what he’s said, as she quietly thanks him. They look at each other for a second, then Luka holds his hand out to her. Weaver looks at his outstretched hand, puts her box down and moves to embrace him saying “C’mere you big Croat”. They hug for a long moment, Luka holding her tightly and lifting her off the ground. When he puts her back down and releases her, she has tears running down her face. Damn if Laura Innes is not getting to me again. Talk amongst yourselves some more. I’ll give you another topic … The Thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master … Discuss … Weaver tells Luka not to get caught up in the politics because a good hospital is about people and medicine. He nods at her like he’ll remember that. She wipes her eyes and starts to retrieve her box, but Luka beats her to it and picks it up. She thanks him as she takes it from him. They smile at each other again, and she tells him that she’ll see him around sometime, and he sighs a little sadly, “Yeah”. They both nod, then she walks away while he watches her go, then he starts to head back towards the hospital. Huh? I thought he was going to the jail to get Pratt released. Weird. Weaver stops and turns, calling out to him “Luka!” He faces her, and she tells him “Take care of this place for me”. He promises that he will, and they share one more smile. Weaver throws one last look at the hospital, then goes on her way. Another exceptional scene. I love that Weaver had real and meaningful farewell scenes with both Abby and Luka. Not only fitting because of how long they’ve worked together, but also because she had forged such significant relationships with each of them. Once again … Bravo, Laura Innes. You will be sorely missed.

Pratt sports the Hugh Grant-esque “I cannot tell you how much this sucks” face as his mugshot is taken. Put into a holding cell, Pratt leans against the bars, not believing that this is really happening.

Sam and Sunshine are all cosy by candlelight on the couch. He thinks it’s getting late and he’d better get going. Sam protests that they don’t even work tomorrow but he says that he’s like Gaudy and he needs his “beauty sleep”. Sam, apparently not familiar with that term, decides that now is a good time to start working on her tan and tells Sunshine that he could sleep there tonight if he wants. Sunshine reminds her that she has that rule against workplace fraternization, and she finally admits that it’s more of a guideline than a rule, and that it applies more to doctors than to nurses. Sunshine thinks that’s good to know, but asks if Splinter and Gracie would be okay with it. Sam sort of shakes her head like “Of course not”, then sits up and tells him to “come on”. She blows out the candle, takes his hand, and setting in motion a Springer Show waiting to happen, leads him to her skanky sanctuary.

Splinter, proving he really is the antichrist, is in his bedroom doodling disturbingly detailed drawings depicting demonic devastation. He hears Sam’s bedroom door close, then loud music plays, tipping off a pissed Splinter as to what’s happening on the other side of the wall.

Neela and McEgo are in Abby’s apartment – though I guess at this point Abby’s officially moved her salon supplies into the Bat Cave, so I guess I should really start calling it Neela’s apartment. McEgo is looking at the real estate section of the paper, telling Neela about a two bedroom place on Lakeshore with a concierge then facetiously says that he’s always wanted to live in a building with a concierge. Neela, who’s pouring some wine, tells him that he can’t possibly afford a place there and he tells her that it’s $3600 a month. She starts to “see, I told you so” him when he informs her that it would only be “$1800 a piece”. Neela, not wanting to be the McRoomie, jokingly asks if he’s going to split it with the concierge. She giggles and he’s all “oh, make yourself laugh there?” laughing and moves in to kiss her, when thankfully for the viewing audience, his cell phone goes off and interrupts them. He answers and it’s Deej. In a panicky voice she tells him that she thinks Trixie is really sick and she can’t wake her up. Oh no. McEgo asks where they are and Deej says that they’re in the car. He wants to know where, but Deej doesn’t know. Camera switches to show Deej in a car with an unconscious Trixie, trying to get her to open her eyes. Deej is getting hysterical and begs McEgo to do something because she thinks Trixie’s dying. Yikes.

Splinter comes out of his bedroom and goes into the living room, where the music coming from the Love Shack is not so loud. He jumps on the sofa and turns on the TV and The Lift’s video of “War Parade” is on … Watching them perspire … Sweat it out … Splinter notices a box of matches on the table, along with a couple of bottles of alcohol and a few used glasses that Sam just left out in her haste to let the Sunshine in … Who will be the giant? … Splinter proves that he really does only have bark between his leaves because he takes a match out, lights it, and watches it burn … Ooh, really bad idea, Splinter … only you can prevent forest fires … Leading the alliance … Who’ll get shot? … The time to hesitate is through, no time to wallow in the mire, so he throws the lit match into a glass half full of alcohol and watches it burn baby burn … Diso Inferno … Burn baby burn … Burn that mutha down … Splinter’s staring at the fire for hours and hours while he listens to The Lift play their love songs all night long … Time to pick your battles … Oblivious to the simple fact of nature that, you know, wood’s pretty flammable and fire does indeed get hot, Splinter stupidly picks up the glass and then immediately drops it when he burns his branch. The glass tips over, spilling the flaming liquid and the table erupts in flames … Three hun-dred six-ty five de-grees …Burning down the house … Realize what mattersTurn the cheek … A shocked Splinter starts looking around frantically – at least I’m sure that’s what the stage direction told him to do, but he’s really only managing something between comatose and lethargy as The Lift only get halfway through the line .. Pick your favorite monkey … before the scene switches to:

Abby entering the Bat Cave, carrying a crying MoJo in his baby seat. She’s trying to calm him down by telling him that she’ll get him out of the seat in a second. She closes the door behind her, tells the now wailing MoJo, “sorry, honey”, and moves down the steps, shhhhh-ing him as she makes her way towards the dining table, all the while talking to him. She puts him on the table, rocking the carseat and reassuring him with a “just one sec” as she picks up the phone and starts dialing. She takes off her coat, saying wishfully “C’mon, Luka … pick up” as she listens to it ringing. She gets his voice mail and heads over to turn on the light as she says into the phone “Hey, it’s me … I’m home … I just got Joe from Ellen’s”. She says “Can you call me as soon as you get this?” Whoa, wait a minute!!! Jesus … Is that Bird behind her sitting in a chair??? The camera stays with Abby, making me think that maybe I didn’t just see what I saw, like that ghost kid in the background in the movie Three Men and A Baby. Creepy. Abby, clearly still upset with what happened with her dear old dad, Remo, and really wanting to talk to Luka about it right now, continues “… it’s kind of, uh … it’s kind of urgent”. She says “thanks” then hangs up the phone and goes to get the still crying MoJo, who is sporting a matching striped sweater and hat with adorable pom-pom tassles, out of the seat. Abby removes the hat, takes off his straps and picks him up, rubbing his back comfortingly and talking to him, hoping to settle him down. She turns and starts to rock him, kissing his head, when she looks up. She and I both startle and gasp when she notices Bird sitting there. Yikes!!! I really had been hoping that was a figment of my imagination. I’m sure Abby’s wishing that about now, too … Abby instinctively grasps MoJo tighter, protectively, and turns her body a little so that he’s that much further from Bird. Bird stares at her for a second, then gesturing with his good right hand, holding something that I can’t quite figure what it is but hope to God it’s not a gun, he calmly instructs her, “Call your husband”. Understanding that now is not the time to correct Bird on the actualities of the living situation at the Hair Salon, Abby let’s the “husband” thing slide and explains, “I just did … he’s not picking up”. Bird, not quite succeeding at keeping up a calm exterior and looking like he’s barely containing a simmering rage, demands “Call him again”. Camera focuses on an unsure, wide-eyed and frightened Abby, holding MoJo tightly as we fade to black listening to MoJo’s distressed whimpers.

Oh my God …


At 12:36 PM, March 13, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a surprise! Thank you Cranky!

At 12:59 PM, March 13, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You did it again! A masterpiece of crankiness, to go with the crankiness in this episode. Thanks so much for making it more fun to read than to watch.


At 1:36 PM, March 13, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for another amazing recap! Please, don't hurry to get caught up before next new episode. I'll wait for ever. Don't leave people to bother you bc of the updates.

At 5:53 PM, March 13, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No apologies necessary, loved the recap although I do think it will be hard to find the funny with the next one.... The Poor Pretty, the hand, the face... ohh I pity you cranky - good luck and god spend!!!!

At 8:16 PM, March 13, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh huh...and 'oh my god' is exactly what I said at that closing scene. AWESOME recap and well worth the wait. I will gladly make your tea and hold your hand through the next recap, Cranky. Soccer games and practices and tournaments be damned. It's not going to be easy but I can't wait to read your take on Bird and the Pretty. You are the best!


At 2:54 AM, March 14, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loving the Newsradio references! This recap was great, Cranky! I think it was actually one of my favorite ones.

At 1:03 AM, March 15, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the recap as much as I loved the episode. And "oh my God" was my same reaction at the end.

At 2:22 AM, March 16, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Cranky,

From what I read, you seem very stressed out with the writting, but girl, you're worth to take your time to write each episode, I know how demanding it could be and if I have to wait, I will wait very gladly.

Good job as always!!!!

Lima, Peru, Southamerica

At 9:27 AM, March 16, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nobody said art was easy, Cranky! Thanks for the continued efforts, looking forward to more when the muse visits!

At 1:45 AM, March 17, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another great one Cranky! Take your time. We appreciate them much more when we have to wait longer for a new one.

At 9:05 AM, March 19, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you sure deserve your master in crankyness!!
just amazingly funny and very funny!!
"slow and steady wins the race" so take your time to come up with the next one!


At 2:15 PM, March 21, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

believe me cranky u have not lost it!

At 2:16 PM, March 21, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well remembering next weeks episode i think this is not the time to give up smoking...drugs...biting nails..whatever gets u through!

At 10:44 PM, March 23, 2007, Anonymous lubyrules said...

keep up the good work cranky


i have added a money and shop system to LR http://z7.invisionfree.com/LubyRules/index.php

At 7:07 PM, April 02, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cranky, I love your recaps - you've helped catch me up on all the wonderful Luby goings-on in the last few seasons (I had a three year break from the show, but I'm loving it more than ever now!) with your perfect balance of wit, snark, and affection for the characters. Cheers for all your hard work.



Post a Comment

<< Home